thatfreshi
thatfreshi
Just writing some fanfiction
(She/Her), 19
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"Light-Headed"
A short sequel to "Undeserving," commissioned by @mosshugs
(Please note that the original piece dealt heavily with disordered eating behaviors and that this one is similar, but a happy ending <3)
It’s been a while since the fall of Cazador, and all your other adventures have come to an end. You’ve settled down since then, Astarion by your side. You stopped counting the days a long time ago, how long it had been since his old master had died. Maybe he stopped counting as well, but you know against your better judgement that he probably hasn’t. Since those times, your group has found new ways of life. Gale has started teaching young wizards, Wyll moved on with Lae’zel to help the army of Baldur’s Gate, and so on. You and Astarion though? You’ve spent a lot of time in your new home, organizing, collecting new trinkets, decorating, building, and overall enjoying having a home. This hasn’t stopped your personal ongoing struggles though.
The two of you have your own issues, things that didn’t end after Cazador died, and things that would probably never end. Especially in Astarion’s case, immortality leaves him with a lot of problems to solve, and a lot of those problems may never have solutions. One morning though, when the two of you are lying in bed, he manages to solve just one debacle.
“Darling? Are you awake?”
It’s slightly lit, the bedroom, with Astarion on the darker side of the bed. You are awake, having just woken up from a long slumber. Turns out being new homeowners is quite tiresome, leaving the two of you with much rest to catch up on.
“Yes, I am awake. Sadly.”
It seems a though shuteye is never enough these days, especially afte trying to catch up on all the missed sleep on your journey.
“I thought… and only if you’d want to of course, that we could try feeding again? I don’t know what it is but today, I feel better than normal. As if this pang of hunger is somehow, more delicate than it usually feels.”
You barely spoke about his feeding habits, but it has been quite difficult for him to find energy with his lack of drinking from you. You try every now again to let him drink your blood, but it never seems quite right. Even with Cazaor gone, the wounds are still there. It seems like maybe, some of them will always be there, no matter how hard either of you try.
“Of course my love, always.”
A common response on your end, one that he quite likes. It’s nice for him to know that there is always a source of food for him, that scarcity is no longer in existence. Security, what a luxury that should only be a necessity.
Somewhere in the middle of your thoughts, you feel a sharp pain in your neck. This process must have happened over a hundred times by now, so you’re used to the cold, the sting, and all of those fun metaphors people use in reference to vampire bites. While you’re thinking though, trying not to put any pressure on him, you ponder what is on the agenda today. There’s still much to be done, many more pieces of furniture to procure, a garden to start outside…
And after a while of listing things off in your head, you realize that for the first time in a long time, you’re starting to get light-headed. Soon after, he releases from your throat, and there’s a sense of joy in your dizzy state. You try not to make a big deal out of it, considering you don’t want to scare him with some big gesture or make it seem like a successful feeding is abnormal, but he’s the one to outwardly express it first. When you lock eyes with him, he’s actually tearing up a little.
“That was… good. It was good for once.”
“It was?”
“Yes.”
And that response brings down the dam, and he fully begins to cry. This isn’t something you see from him often, but this issue with him being unable to feed has been plaguing the two of you for months. You find yourself soon crying along with him.
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t know. Strong? Peaceful? Not like I should be punished?”
That word pangs in your chest, ‘punished,’ as if he should ever be punished for sustenance. Sadly, you know that reality was all too real in the past.
“Good. You should feel strong, because you are.”
He takes one of your hands in both of his.
“Thank you my dear. Maybe I’m stronger than I thought I was.”
Is every other feeding from then on perfect? No, of course not. Healing is never quite as linear as we would like it to be, and it certainly isn’t as pretty either. There are horrible moments in the future, but also grand ones, ones like these that pull at your heartstrings and remind you why you ever fell in love. And slowly, day by day, the grand moments outweigh the horrible ones, and your dear Aster becomes better and better because of it, and the two of you become better because of each other.
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"Undeserving"
Hi! This was an expedited request by @mosshugs who asked that I go more into my headcanon of Astarion having ED behaviors. I want to preface this by saying I have limited experience with ED behaviors, and most of my experience and knowledge is from people I know with eating disorders, and I apologize if something I've written here doesn't feel correct for the experience.
So, BIG TW for eating disorder talk on this one.
If you'd like to have an expedited request, please check out the pinned post on my blog! (The masterlist can now be found under the tag freshimasterlist.)
When it comes to survival, it is difficult to foster nurturement, to find the strength to nourish even the smallest part of yourself. It is especially difficult for those who never had a nurturer, those who grew up without the protection of a mama bear, those who were ripped away from safety and forced into survival primarily, to find the strength to care, even if it's for themselves. While it seems like common sense, some part of you couldn’t ever fully understand the phenomena of nourishment and survival. That is, until you were faced with the conundrum head-on.
Astarion had somewhat perfected survival at this point, despite the fact that it was mostly not his choice. A more proper word choice might be endurance, the ability to persevere through torture despite your undying presence. Even now, he had endured all the way to the city, all the way to the legendary ‘Baldur’s Gate’ that you had been fighting towards for weeks. The two of you understood each other quickly, smoothly, reading each other like tea leaves. But, just like premonitions, not all of the details unfold as quickly as others.
Your vampiric lover had been feeding on you almost every evening since you found out about his little ‘secret,’ that he didn’t quite hide as well as he thought he did. Of course, it started when you were merely aquaintances, continued on when you were friends, and then turned into something more. Now, feeding on you is a romantic ritual of sorts, a sign of trust, a moment of recluse and safety. Safety is a word that Astarion is unfamiliar with, the feeling at least. But those moments he has drank from you, he has finally started to understand what exactly it means to be safe. That is, until he suddenly stopped.
You were waiting to face Cazador, a being who had now become one of multiple banes of your existence. Sadly, things on a wild adventure don’t necessarily schedule themselves neatly, which was making both you and Astarion jittery, anxious.
“We should rest soon you know. Plenty more villains to get around to.”
He isn’t fully listening, something you’re quite used to dealing with.
“I know.”
He’s more exhausted these days, moreso than usual. Everyone is tired obviously, but you’re more tuned into his energy than the others.
“Have you fed recently? It’s been a while since you’ve asked me.”
“Of course. How many people have I killed just today? Plenty of blood has been going around.”
He stands in the opening of the tent, staring off into nothing while you sit on the ground.
“You and I both know you don’t stop for long enough to get enough out of any of those fools.”
“And you take me for a liar?”
Astarion’s tongue is sharp, and he finally turns to face you.
“I take you for a liar, but not usually a liar to me. Now, come, drink some.”
You’ve had plenty of banters like this, where he has been difficult with you, but the night air doesn’t sit peacefully like on those nights. He’s not staring at nothing, but at the past, the future. He doesn’t bend to your whim.
“Really, my darling Tav, I am alright. Perhaps you should go to bed without me, I might be up for a while.”
Distant. He’s only distant when something is truly bothering him, just like he was in the beginning, just like he was when you met him on the beach.
“Astarion, why don’t you want to feed on me?”
Out of the myriad of things he doesn’t like, he doesn’t like direct confrontation from you. When it comes to safety, survival, nourishment, he likes to be elusive. He likes to hide from you, because sometimes you let him. He wasn’t allowed to hide before, when he was still living at the palace. Sometimes though, you can’t let him hide.
“Who said I don’t want to feed on you? Why, your blood is delightful! Delectable even.”
And there he goes, that slight seduction in his tone, a distraction.
“Then why haven’t you drank from me in days? Over a week at this point?”
Now comes the moment when he realizes there is no way out, that you’re onto him, that he can’t dance around it with his words any longer. He makes his way to be next to you.
“I… I’m not really sure Tav.”
A very rare occurrence, where Astarion sounds entirely clueless.
“What do you mean?”
“I, I mean I do want to. I’ve told you so many times before how much I delight at our feedings, I just-”
You give him a moment.
“I feel, wrong.”
“Wrong?”
“Wrong. Like it wouldn’t be right to feed from you.”
“Aster, I’ve told you how many times that I’m okay with you feeding on me. It’s even enjoyable at times! And besides, it’s good for you, and it strengthens our bond-”
“I don’t think any of that is what this is. And I do hear you, but this… this is different. Maybe it’s because we’re so close to confronting, him.”
Both of your faces change slightly at the thought of Cazador.
“Are you nervous? Because that seems entirely natural.”
“Well, yes. Of course I’m nervous, not that I would tell anyone else that. I think this though, is perhaps a feeling of being undeserving of something.”
“Like what?”
“Freedom, love, more than rats. I have wanted to feed on you numerous times, but I find myself being held back by this feeling of being… undeserving.”
“My dear, you are entirely deserving of feeding, especially on me.”
You move to comfort him, a light touching arm.
“I suppose it doesn’t feel that way right now. You know what I was forced to drink from before: flies, rats, other vermin. And of course, when you first offered for me to feed from you, I was so incredibly taken away by a luxury I was never given. Now though, I simply wonder if I should’ve ever had that luxury at all, or if I should have that luxury even now.”
“You are deserving though.”
“I don’t think that will fix it my love. I don’t know if anything that you say can fix this.”
One of the hardest truths of love, that your words cannot always fix their wounds. That sometimes, there are things you will never be able to heal by yourself.
“Then… how do we fix it? How do we make you feel deserving of feeding?”
He fumbles with his hands.
“Time? Patience? I don’t honestly know darling.”
You move a hand over to his wandering ones, hoping to ground him a little.
“Maybe, now that I know, we could at least try? Even just a little?”
There’s a hint of optimism in his demeanor, something you’ve seen more of over time.
“Alright then, we can try. But that’s all I can promise, an attempt.”
And so, he moves to prepare as you lie down, a much easier way to get your life’s essence taken. It’s a little more tense than usual, which makes sense following a conversation like that. There’s a moment where his teeth pierce your skin, and a piece of time where he does feed, and then there’s a sharp pull away. He seems almost nauseous when you sit back up. You cover the rip he just made on your neck with a nearby piece of cloth.
“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t tonight. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, you tried. That’s all I said right, that we should try?”
You move back over to him and wipe at a tear, one made from an apology he never should’ve had to give.
“Right. And maybe we can try again tomorrow?”
“Of course my love, of course.”
When the two of you lie down finally, there isn’t much said for the rest of the evening. You’ll never quite know exactly what he felt in that moment, what tasting your blood was like, how it made him ill and scared. One thing you do know is that you’ll be there again the next evening, and the evenings later, even if it takes a lifetime to repair that relationship with feeding from you. And maybe eventually, there won’t be that feeling of being undeserving anymore. Maybe one day, there will be nourishment instead of survival, but for now, you can try and make survival as nurturing as you can.
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New Request System!
Hello everyone!
As of now, I am changing how my requests work. I just cleared out the box because it got really overwhelming (I had over 50 requests), and I also would like to implement a donation system! I am a little tight on money right now, so I figured doing small donos through here might be an extra way to make a little bit of cash.
This is entirely optional!!! I want to stress that! There is a chance that if you put a request in my box without a donation, that I may still write it, but now if you donate a dollar or more I will guaranteed write your request within seven days! You can also donate without wanting a request if you so choose to be that kind :)
So, how it works:
1. Send me your idea, either in DMs or in my request box
2. Tell me in my DM or in my request box what account you donated from (your venmo handle for example). If you do end up for some reason telling me in the request box what account you sent the money from, please make sure it is attached to your original request! Although it's probably easier just to DM me.
3. Boom! Your fic will be done within seven days!
I don't really have many rules when it comes to fic requests. I don't like writing dadstarion, and don't want smut requests, that's pretty much it. Other than that, I am open to almost any astarion x reader requests, and will also be doing Main 6 headcanon posts. In general, if it's similar to something I've been requested before, you can probably ask for it.
If you have any questions or would like to run your request by me before donating, don't be afraid to reach out!
I am currently taking donations via Venmo and Paypal
Venmo - @lunas_aura
Paypal - @thatfreshi
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Something about Astarion pushing you down onto the dirt he had to claw out of. Staring at you, alive and breathing and looking up at him with nothing short of adoration from within the very dirt he choked on. You, your love, his love like a flower blooming out of the ashes of his torment and misery and death. Finding pleasure and comfort, the likes of which he probably didn’t think was possible for him anymore. Not discarding his past, growing out of it, through it, climbing up through the weeds into sweaty, messy, beautiful life.
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astarion: when you've lived as long as i have, you develop thick skin
gale, walking by: vermilion isn't really your color
astarion, holding back tears: vermilion brings out my eyes you PRICK
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bg3 au where Mystra's chosen have to dress like this
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accurate post game sleeping arrangement
[textless ver below the cut]
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I'm feeling what straight men feel when they see lesbians kissing with this ship.
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Every character has some kind of disability and I will die on the hill that it was done on purpose. Shouts out my disabled and chronically ill homies
As someone who suffers from chronic pain, I really identify with Gale. That's something a lot of people seem to gloss over. He's in PAIN but they don't care. Or maybe they don't even notice. I tried to explain that to my friend but she told me he's just being dramatic and annoying...
Show this to your friend.
Gale's pain is glaringly difficult for him to handle. I'd also make the same argument for Karlach and Shadowheart. All three of them clearly suffer from chronic pain. Just because we don't see it 24/7, that doesn't mean it isn't there.
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Fun fact, my art history teacher told me that all the fanfiction we write ends up in a digital library and there's someone that has to read through it and sort it for historical purposes. We're in the library folks, we did it.
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Very important to remember that in addition to our favorite ‘practiced tongue’ line, Gale also offers up this 100% pure, unfiltered rizz:
…sir…
…SIR…
…SIR…
…SIR. 😳
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A Post-party Interlude (Uni AU P. 19.5)
Hello everyone! Here is an interlude to catch up with our characters after the fated Halloween party, divided by hours of the night.
TW - mentions of self-harm, mentions of grooming, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of alcohol, extensive talk about sexual trauma in the 5AM section
-1 AM, the RU Rooftop, Gale and Shadowheart-
"You want a hit Gale?"
"No, not now."
...
"I'm sorry I dragged you out there like that. You can't just say that kind of stuff about people. Especially not about me."
"That's hardly fair, considering how you've been about Mystra."
"Two entirely different situations."
"Shadow, you're hurting yourself."
"So are you."
...
"I just don't get why you can't be happy for me."
"Because, she doesn't love you. Not like your friends do, not like your mother does, not like I do. I've been your best friend for how long Gale, how long? And you don't trust me on this?"
"But you clearly don't trust me either."
"It's different! Things at the church are very-"
"Very what? Private? Painful? You've been different ever since you stepped foot in that place, and I just stayed quiet. I just never thought it would go this far."
"It's a religious reminder Gale-"
"Bullshit, it's a way for her to control you all."
"And Mystra isn't controlling you?! How you're always on the phone with her at her beck and call? You're no better than me, so don't get on your high horse as if you can judge me. School is hard, studying medicine is hard, I need something."
...
"I can't watch you hurt yourself."
"Then don't. Maybe someone else will get it, but you don't have to. Go cry to your girlfriend about it."
-2AM, Lae, Shadow, and Tav's Dorm, Lae'zel-
(This conversation has been translated from Lae'zel's native language.)
"Yes?"
"You haven't called in a while. You're supposed to call."
"Yes, I know. I've been-"
"Training, right?"
"Of course, what else would I be doing?"
"Really? Because a little birdy told me you've been slacking. You think those 'injuries' are really that serious, don't you? You think you're allowed to make the K'liir family look like this?! We're warriors! You're, a warrior!"
"Of course. I will not disappoint Grandmother. I shall be healed soon."
"Perhaps it should be 'Vlaakith' to you for now, until you can earn the right to call me kin again, if you ever earn it again."
"Yes Vlaakith, I'll call you back soon."
-3AM, Karlach's Dorm, Karlach-
"I know Coach won't stop bothering me about it, but should I really do it? It's tricky I guess, seems more like she's threatening me than anything. Purposefully injuring people in my matches isn't enough for her I suppose. Steroids though? What even are the side effects of that?
...
Aggression, stomach pains, sleep problems... is that really so bad? I have those sometimes. Everyone has a good ol' bout of insomnia from time to time... right?
...
If I don't though, and she kicks me off the team... I can't get kicked off the team, I would lose all my funding, my friends, Shadow... I'm sure it'll be fine, right?
...
Where did she even find these? Are they safe? I mean, she wouldn't want to kill her best wrestler, right? This is to enhance my performance not, uh, de-hance it. So, I guess I just go for it? Maybe one to start, it's not like there directions on this thing right? Nope, thought so.
...
No turning back now I guess. Tell Coach, secure my place here, get to stay with my favorite people in the world... it'll all be perfect.
...
Right?"
-4AM, Wyll's Bedroom, Wyll-
"Deal Wyll Ravenguard, I'm Professor Mizora, although I'm sure you know me more as an administrator. I've seen your work around campus and would love to offer you the opportunity to do more good, especially since your father doesn't get many things moving around this school. Please reach out if you're interested, in haste if you can. I look forward to hearing from you. Best Regards, Professor Mizora.
...
Huh, odd. I've never heard of her before. You think my father would've mentioned her at some point. Then again, he doesn't talk much to me anymore, so I guess not. I cannot believe Astarion said that to me at the party. I mean, he wasn't wrong, but still, how impolite.
...
Maybe I need to hear it though. That perhaps what my father and I had... it's beyond repair. This Mizora character though, she seems to know about how he is now, and she clearly knows about me.
...
Dear Professor Mizora..."
-5AM, Astarion's Dorm, Tav and Astarion-
You wake up to pacing around the wooden floors, trying to turn in a bundle of blankets and sheets that have been strewn about. You sit up and try to wipe at your eyes, only crusted over from a few hours of sleep.
"Aster?"
Your voice comes out a little torn up from laughter and words shared hours prior. You certainly spoke for a long time, and not all of it you can remember. It is him pacing, as you could only assume in your half-asleep state.
"Hm? Oh, I didn't mean to wake you darling. You can go back to sleep."
"Are you alright?"
He pauses, stopping his eyes from darting around for your question.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because, if your pacing woke me up, then it's probably not just for fun."
"No dear, I was simply cleaning a little. I woke up, I figured I'd do something useful with the time."
"Don't start this out this way."
Your sentence comes out more strained that you would've liked, but it's true: you don't want to start things with him with secrets.
"You didn't lie to me before, don't lie to me now."
You pat his side of the bed, beckoning for him to come sit. He follows reluctantly.
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
You furrow your brow and pick up a nearby pillow, threatening to start a fluffy fight.
"You know what! C'mon, talk to me."
He sighs, and you put down your weapon.
"Fine, if you insist on being open and honest or whatever... I got a little more drunk at that party than I wanted to admit, especially after I told you I can handle my liquor and all-"
"Out with it Astarion."
"Hey, don't you full name me."
You try not to smile at his banter, but it feels nearly impossible.
"I'm serious, out with it."
He runs his hands through his hair.
"We didn't... we didn't do more than kiss, did we? Ugh, that sounds ridiculous, I sound ridiculous!"
He gets up to anxiously move around again, and you get up to go after him.
"Hey, hey, no, that's not ridiculous! That's not ridiculous at all."
Astarion turns to face you.
"Why do you think that's ridiculous?"
Your question sounds meek, sad.
"You know... I mean I've slept with plenty of people, and I don't really talk about it with you because I didn't want you to see me that way, but I know other people have probably told you, and I know what happened when we met and I-"
You lightly grab his hands.
"Hey, as if I'd listen to other people. The only facts I've ever taken about you, are from you, okay? And sure, I've heard things, but it doesn't matter. And no, we didn't do anything else, and I wouldn't have done anything without your clear consent to do so, I hope you know that."
You gently pull him to sit back down with you on the edge of the bed.
"It just... it wasn't really up to me before. It was a survival tactic, you know? For money, because Szarr told me to... And that night? I only did it because I was scared you'd go off and tell someone the wrong thing at the wrong time, that it would only end up worse for me, and so I did what I always do. I did what I've always been taught to do."
"And you didn't want to do that this time..."
He seems embarrassed, as if he's trying to close up away from you.
"I don't think I've ever really had a healthy relationship with that kind of thing? And I just got really- really scared that I did what I've always done, that I did something I wasn't ready for. That just feels so stupid though."
"Why? Why does not wanting to sleep with me have to be stupid and ridiculous?"
"Because! Because you could go hook up with anyone you want. Everyone at this age, we're all doing it all the time. I'd be the weird one, right? I'd be the weird one, and you'd run off to someone else who actually wants to do something with you and then I would've ruined this before we even started it."
You pause, trying to find words.
"And this is why I didn't want to say anything."
"But if you didn't say anything-"
"Yeah. Yeah, if I didn't say anything, I suppose..."
He starts to choke on the sadness a little, that overwhelming feeling he's been trying to keep bottled up for hours.
"Astarion, look at me."
He does, with a look in his eyes as if he's been punished.
"I would never want you to do something you don't want to do, ever."
"But-"
"Nope, there's nothing else. You just never have to do anything you don't want to, ever again, unless it's like homework, or I don't know... not murder someone? Starting now, your body is entirely yours again, as it always should have been. Okay?"
He wraps his arms around you.
"Okay."
A mumble into your tattered adventurer's shirt from the night before.
"To be very clear though, I still want to kiss you, often."
You laugh as he leaves a kiss on your cheek, still crying some, your face matching.
"Of course."
You go on to talk for a while that evening, about boundaries, about various little things, even about how apparently one time he dyed his hair in middle school. Somehow, you get him to show you a picture. It's one of those nights, or rather, mornings, you know? One of those mornings where you laugh a lot, and then go back to crying, and you share that one traumatic story you thought you'd never remember. He tells you a lot that evening, good and bad, and you share a lot of tears. They're good tears though, tears that mean something. That morning, the good and the bad, it all means something.
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Just a small teaser, the Uni AU is going to have a small interlude where we catch up with all our characters' personal situations, done in almost an 'Until Dawn' hour chapter style! Here's what we can expect for each of the small sections :)
1AM, Gale and Shadowheart meet up after the party on the RU rooftop
2AM, Lae'zel and her grandmother catch up on the phone
3AM, Karlach struggles with a tough decision
4AM, Wyll reminisces on his childhood after a strange email
5AM, Astarion and Tav have a scary conversation about what they did... and didn't do
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