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spicycreativity · 3 years

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A Place Where I Can Breathe - Ch 1

Chapter: 1/7 Rating: T (for language) Content Warnings: Canon-typical Remus behavior. This chapter only: "delusional" used as an insult Characters: All Pairings: N/A Additional Tags: Canon divergence, post-AA, retcon (name reveals, outfits, etc), all characters sympathetic, misunderstandings, Virgil is trying his best, Dark Sides are friends dammit, gratuitous references to Cats the Musical Summary: After Virgil is accepted by the Light Sides, he hopes to use his newfound position to bring Janus and Remus up with him. Hurt by his perceived betrayal, they push him away before he even has the chance to try. Virgil does his best to adjust to life without his oldest friends, but misunderstandings abound, and he soon finds himself going behind the Light Sides' backs in attempt to keep them safe from what he fears is a wicked revenge plot orchestrated by Janus.

It was hard to breathe in the basement. The air was heavy, thick with tension, and Virgil’s breaths came in uneven gasps and shallow paroxysms that made his lungs ache. He sat, paralyzed, on the couch with his legs drawn up to his chest, his eyes glued to his phone.

Janus’ snide congratulation still echoed in his head, the way his voice had dripped with jealousy: “Congratulations on your newfound acceptance, Virgil. You earned it.”

Virgil resented the way Janus’ words had implied that his decision to duck out had been nothing more than a successful attempt at manipulating the ‘Light’ Sides, as they called themselves, when they both very well knew that Virgil’s actions had been in earnest. Virgil’s unhappiness with his role had always been a point of contention between them. It wasn’t just about having his voice heard, no matter how hard Janus tried to pretend that was it; Virgil had grown to genuinely care for Roman, Logan, and Patton, and he wanted to spend time with them that didn’t involve antagonizing and scaring them.

Of course, Remus found that nearly intolerable, but he was far more direct than Janus could ever be. He teased Virgil and demanded assurances that Remus was his favorite Creativity and always would be, and Virgil gladly gave him what he wanted. But lately, the teasing had grown more intense and less enjoyable, and Janus’ remarks grew more cutting and bitter with every additional hour that Virgil spent upstairs. He had taken to avoiding the topic altogether in the hopes of somehow skating past the unpleasantness, hoping that Remus and Janus would eventually get used to Virgil’s new habits.

The sound of knocking pierced the silence and kicked Virgil’s pulse into overdrive. He was in motion before he even registered what was happening, vaulting off the couch toward the stairs. His mind caught up with his body just before his hand touched the doorknob and he made a concentrated effort to calm himself down. Three semi-deep breaths. One hand smoothing down his hair. Then he opened the door.

On the other side stood Logan, wearing his usual neutral expression. Earlier in their relationship, Virgil had mistaken it for perpetual boredom, but he knew better now. Logan was always thinking, and spared little energy on social graces.

“Hello, Virgil,” he said, nodding shortly. No trace of eyeshadow lingered on his face, but Virgil couldn’t help the guilt that twisted in his stomach at the memory. Maybe Logan was here to end their friendship.

“Hey, Logan.” Virgil glanced over his shoulder in case Janus or Remus had come to interfere. He saw no sign of either of them, but that only meant that they weren’t going to meddle. It certainly didn’t mean they weren’t listening. “You good?”

Logan paused before answering, thinking back to his flashcards. “Yes, Virgil. I’m gucci.” Virgil clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter and Logan continued, unperturbed, “I’m here to invite you to dinner.”

“Really?” Virgil asked,

“Yes. Is that surprising?”

“Unexpected,” Virgil said, unsure if he was agreeing or disagreeing. “Now?”

“Yes. Unless you have something you need to attend to.”

Virgil spared one last glance over his shoulder. It wasn’t like he was planning on eating with Janus and Remus tonight anyway; Janus was totally-not-sulking and Remus was… Well, Virgil didn’t know the details, but the bangs and the haunted-house shrieks emanating from Remus’ room indicated that he was definitely unavailable. “Now’s fine.”

“Excellent.” Logan smiled at Virgil. “Shall we?”

Virgil nodded and followed Logan into the living room, letting the door slam shut behind him.

While the living room and the kitchen were technically common areas, Virgil hadn’t spent much time in either of them. The basement had a kitchenette, a TV, and a couch, and all its inhabitants vastly preferred that over the idea of a strained ceasefire with the Lights. Of the three of them, only Virgil had been able to let go of his resentment and insert himself into the Lights’ regular meetings on Thomas’ conduct and decisions. Still, he didn’t exactly feel at ease as he crossed the threshold into the kitchen.

Patton’s joyous salutations and Roman’s begrudging regards were enough to pull Virgil out of his own head. He let Roman pull up a chair for him and nodded hesitantly when Patton offered to serve him.

He heaped an unreasonable amount of tuna casserole on Virgil’s plate and beamed at him. “So, uh Anxiety.” His smile wavered a bit. “We just wanted to apologize again for being so…”

“Put off by your off-putting demeanor,” Roman supplied before he could stop himself. Everyone looked at him and he almost doubled down before catching himself. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Go on, Patton.”

“Well, for being so harsh,” Patton said. “We didn’t realize how important you were to Thomas’ functioning.”

“I did,” Logan said under his breath. Roman flicked a pea at him.

Patton only had eyes for Virgil. “Um, anyway, we’re sorry. We value you a lot and we’d absolutely love it if you spent more time with us!”

Virgil nodded, thinking about the display of monitors and VHS tapes in his room. Much like the others, his mere presence was usually enough to keep Thomas on track, but sometimes he utilized the cameras to allow him to focus on specific aspects of Thomas’ surroundings to keep an eye out for danger. And sometimes , when he was feeling bored or unheard, he would pop “ Cringe Compilation: 7th Grade Edition” into his VHS player. They all had power focuses that linked inherently to their function, allowing them to magnify it as necessary. But when the Lights felt that Virgil’s function was impeding their own to an unacceptable degree, they would push back, and Virgil’s monitors would go black as all the lights dimmed. It was the same for Janus' and Remus' focuses and it hurt . “So does this mean you’re going to stop repressing me?” Virgil asked. The Lights didn't know the extent of the damage they did, and Virgil was determined not to be the one to break the news.

Patton nodded. “We’ll try to help you work through your feelings instead.”

“Wow.” Virgil’s cheeks ached with a smile he was fighting hard to suppress. Maybe there was hope for Remus and Janus too. “What about Dec--”

“Anyway!” Patton said, pretending he hadn’t heard Virgil speak. “We were thinking about watching a movie after this! We do weekly movie nights. Do you want to join?”

“Oh, um.” Virgil tapped the nail of his middle finger against the pad of his thumb. He wanted to push for acceptance for Janus and Remus, but what if that made Patton and the others angry? What if they kicked him out? Then he would be right back to square one. Maybe if he played it smart , if he was patient and good, then he could help his friends out too. “Sure, that sounds great.”

“Yay!” Patton clapped his hands. “We already decided to watch Anastasia tonight, but we should let you pick the next one!”

Logan launched into an explanation of the historical context of Anastasia, punctuated by the occasional interruption from Roman. Virgil was content enough to sit back and listen to the bickering, interjecting every now and again to take Roman down a peg.

When it came time to say goodnight, Roman cornered Virgil in front of the basement door wearing an unusually serious expression.

“I need to talk to you.”

Virgil leaned against the wall, taking pains to sound more nonchalant than he felt. “Gee, Princey, I’d have thought you’d be better at love confessions.”

“Oh, spare me,” Roman said, sticking out his tongue. “This is important.”

“Well, don’t keep me waiting.”

“Patton wants you to move upstairs.”

“Oh,” Virgil said, taken aback. “ Oh.” He swallowed hard, unsure of what to say. “I-- Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I know Patton won’t,” Roman said, impatient. Virgil hooked his thumbnail under one of his canine teeth and bit down, thinking. He wasn’t sure how to say no without stepping out of line. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to say no. Roman continued, “And I… Well, I--” he ran hand through his hair-- “I see your value now.”

“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” Virgil sneered, hoping that Roman would pick up on his teasing.

But to Virgil’s surprise, Roman blushed. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I think you’re pretty alright, Anxiety. I want you to move upstairs, too.”

Virgil took a deep breath, screaming internally all the while. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t want to leave Janus and Remus, but he didn’t want to turn down Roman’s offer, either. He couldn’t have it both ways. What was the middle ground here? He stared right through Roman, panic wiping his mind blank.

“You do want to, don’t you?” Roman asked. He hated how unsure his voice sounded, even to his own ears. Surely Virgil didn’t enjoy living with that two-faced snake and Remus.

“Of course I do!” Virgil hissed, trying to shout without actually raising his voice.

“Then what’s the problem? Say yes!”

“It’s not that simple!”

“Seems plenty simple to me. We’re extending a hand to you, Anxiety, the least you could do is take it.”

“I need to think about it,” Virgil said. Surely Janus and Remus would understand if he just explained himself. Janus might even approve . It wasn’t as sneaky and duplicitous as Janus’ plans usually were, but Virgil wasn’t Deceit. And he was working with the tools at hand. They had to understand that.

Roman threw his hands up. “Fine. I don’t know what there is to think about, but I suppose overthinking comes naturally to you.” He sighed and shook his head. “I guess that’s it, then. Good night, Anxiety.”

“Night, Roman.” Virgil heaved a sigh of his own and opened the door to the basement. The air was cool and still. Virgil ordinarily found it pleasant, but tonight the chill went bone-deep and made him shudder. He zipped his hoodie as high as it would go and shoved his hands into the pockets. He watched his feet as he descended the stairs and remained so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice Janus and Remus on the couch until Janus cleared his throat.

Both Remus and Janus were glowering. Virgil ducked his head like a guilty teenager, trepidation closing like a fist around his stomach. He knew a trap when he saw one, and the fact that Janus wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it meant that he was well and truly furious.

Virgil sat down in the armchair lateral to the couch and glowered right back. “What?”

“I have to say I’m impressed with you, Virgil,” Janus said in his usual silken drawl, aiming straight for Virgil's heart. “I knew fear was part of your function, but you’ve reached a truly unprecedented level of cowardice.”

Virgil exhaled slowly through his nose. “You don’t mean that.”

“And how can you be so sure? Because friends don’t turn on each other ad libitum?"

“I’m not turning on you!” Virgil insisted. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I have a plan?”

“You told Roman you wanted to move upstairs,” Remus said once he’d unclenched his jaw. They all knew Virgil abhorred lying both morally and from a practical perspective; it made him almost too anxious to function. “You’d choose them over us.”

“They’re listening to me now!” Virgil tried to explain. He could forgive Janus his judgement, forgive Remus his anger even now if they would just listen . It was all a misunderstanding. “They even said they’d leave my cameras alone. Maybe I can get them to do the same for you.” Vigil scratched at the fabric of his jeans. “I thought-- Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same, Janus. I know you would.”

“If I could tolerate the presence of those delusional do-gooders in concentrated doses, maybe so,” Janus said. “With one key difference. Even if I could forgive them for what they did to me, I could never forgive them for what they did to you and Remus. Every smile, every last moment of camaraderie would be. an. artifice.”

“We’re supposed to be family, Virgil,” Remus added. “And now you want to leave us for… what, a chance for a roll in the royal hay with Roman? Patton?”

“So what, you want me to be just as petty and miserable as you two for the rest of my life?” Virgil demanded, heat rising in his chest. “Forget it. I’m trying to do something nice for you, the thing you’ve been fighting for since you got branded as ‘Dark’ Sides. If you can’t recognize that, that’s your own fault. I’m going to bed.” He got up and strode out of the room without another word.

“Traitor!” Remus called after him.

Silence fell. The refrigerator started to hum.

“He’s going to get hurt,” Janus muttered, tapping his knuckles against his bottom lip.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #this is my first time cross-posting my writing to tumblr im so nervous hhhh #spicywrites #idk what would be best for people trying to find other chapters in the future ummm maybe a special tag #spicywrites a place where i can breathe #that works #credits:#pics are from unsplash #the virgil cosplayer is my roommate #im his primary online presence so it's rly not worth it to tag his other accounts lmao #you can follow him on tiktok as patchwork.boy if youre into that

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