help i've started and continue to wake up at sensible hours after going to sleep at reasonable times!! this is weird!!!

Hey.

For a while I feel like my friendship with this person has become inherently codependent.

I didn't realise how much I needed to be needed by him until recently. I put a lot of my self worth on him and in the process put him above everything else. And I felt justified because he was going through a tough time. And I don't want to judge him, but he isn't exactly the best person. He can be extremely cruel to other people and selfish. But I never questioned anything he did because I wanted him to like me. I didn't neglect any other things like school and stuff. I kept on top of it, but most of my free time was taken up for him, having conversations that I really didn't want to and I enjoyed myself most of the time but sometimes I felt like I outgrew his company. I made up versions of him in my head that were so much better than real life. This was aggravated because we were all in lockdown and I couldn't meet other people. I've only ever known him through phone calls for a while and the two months we actually met in in person school were spent with him feuding against my other friends in his quest for power. I always found it impossible to pick a side in these situations, because the others were right but I wanted to please him too. I was incapable of refusing anything he said. I always had to hide away a part of me because I was afraid he wouldn't like me then. And he could be very controlling too. He thought he was above everyone and the school director kind of favoured him too, so he had a lot of plans for a very unsafe event. But then schools shut down again and he became really depressed and was suicidal and tried to pin everything on me at one point, just because I respected my mother's words. I tried to be there for him, and this went on for four months. I agreed to everything he said because it was easier than fighting with him. Now stuff hit rock bottom and the director has shut him out and told him to just get back to academics. Schools are opening this week and now he's really scared again.

I don't know what to say when he tells me his life sucks and that he doesn't want it. He's out of the extreme phase now and he expects everything to be handed to him without working hard for anything.

I knew he was someone who didn't care about other people and took joy in the sorrow of others but I always excused his behaviour. When things got too bad I stepped aside.

But apart from all of this, I always craved for him to call me. My happiness depended on his. I needed him to talk to me. And me only. I got insanely jealous and beat myself up inside. I worried so much about him but he didn't seem to care about me at all. When I tried to talk about my feeling it resulted in us fighting continuously, with him saying I didn't deserve him. I never needed him to respect me or my boundaries because I knew he was incapable of caring about someone else and that it wouldn't be worth my time. But now I can't take him just using me anymore. At first I just thought that I had feelings for him which caused my jealousy, but then he came out to me, but these still seem to persist. I just need him to come to me for any problem that he has, but that took a hit today, when I couldn't deal with him at all. I've read up codependent friendships and I think that's what is really going on in my head. I don't like him romantically I think, I'm just really insecure.

I don't want to be that person anymore. He doesn't respect my boundaries, my family or my interests. I'm not allowed to have an opinion because anything that he doesn't agree shouldn't be said in his presence. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and unable to truly be myself. We are so different and my beliefs directly contradict his but I've never been able to express them to him. And he calls himself my best friend. Our other best friend, is kinda in between. She regularly argues with him and demands respect, but he doesn't even consider it. But when he has a problem we have to drop everything for him. And he accuses me of not trusting him. And he tells me not to say things that make him angry rudely but he doesn't do the same for me when I tell him calmly that I don't want to talk about something. He's really condescending too, and acts as of nothing matters but him. And because of the lack of going out, he was the only solace I have.

Despite this I still deeply care about him. This morning he was groaning continuously, and I told him that everyone had problems, he completely turned on me and said that I didn't get to say anything because my life was fine and that his was way more difficult. He acts as if he knows everything about me and assumes that I will be fine no matter how hard his words are. And he's kinda right, because I always come back to him. This same person told me a few minutes ago that everyone one in our grade was fine and that nothing was wrong and that someone should die, so that their life sucks. So he'll be fine if someone died and if they shut the school and the state, so that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He even has the nerve to whine about how he doesn't deserve any small hardship that comes his way. But life's hard and he doesn't seem to realise that there is life after your senior year in high school. He seems to think that this is all that matters. We're just sixteen and he acts like this is all we ever have. I don't know how to help him. He says he has a bad home life, but I don't know how that excuses him being a horrible human being to others for no reason. And he is privileged. I tell him to work hard this year, and next year in college he can do what he wants. But he says he wants the life of a film star without lifting a finger.

I feel like it's my responsibility to fix his issues, but he's the only one who can. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

Moreover he doesn't even care about anything that other people are going through stuff too. And he called me selfish for implying that the world doesn't revolve around him. I've always tried to be there for him, and I still want to, but I don't think it's good for both of us. We're toxic to each other. Sometimes I wish his problems were magically fixed so that we could go back to being normal friends instead of the complete wreckage we both are.

He says no one understands hima s if he was accusing me of not caring enough about him. But I felt like I hit a breaking point and that I couldn't just nod my head anymore. I'm human being with issues of my own but he doesn't give a damn.

I can't even talk to him normally, I have to thread around eggshells to keep him happy, but I'm never happy with him. He says I don't act enthusiastic to his ideas. I hate his ideas but I'm always nice about it. I don't shut him down. I hope he gets the things he wants even if they aren't to my liking. And today he calls me boring and attacks me for not liking marvel. I mean come on can't I even have an opinion on a movie? I said I liked a ship in it ( it was a comfort ship that helped me escape) and he said I didn't have a right to have an opinion because I hadn't watched all the movies. Fandom is something that gives me joy and keeps me grounded and today he attacked something that I thought no one could. My imagination. My ability to create worlds in my head. The worst part, we met because we were both Harry Potter fans. And now he doesn't even feel like that. I helped him edit and write his debut novel. I feel like that person who believed in something is gone. He even admitted to just using me for my knowledge in the beginning.

I still feel sorry for him though. I'm really sorry if I've rambled on for too long. This has become more about him that it has about me.

I still really like him and feel that we can be friends if he starts to try to help himself and if I get rid of my insecurity and jealousy when he talks to other people. My brain is illogical. I don't want to have to deal with all of his issues all the time with no regard for myself, but I don't want him to confide in some else either.

I hate this person that I've become. Who cares about no one but him. I tried to use his issues as a shield against the problems going on in my own life. I try not to let anyone see that I don't have my life together either, because I feel bad about bothering others with my issues, when they have a million struggles of their own, but isn't that what he's doing to me? He disregards my feelings but I'm still very much obsessed with him.

I've lost my sense of self respect completely, and I pushed away other people for him.

I need to stop being codependent on him, and start at least liking myself.

Please help me. I'm sorry if this is too long. I seriously needed to get this off my chest.

And I apologise if I bothered you with my silly problems. I know there are more important things in the world but I seem stuck here. I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything so I pretend that everything is fine. And honestly I feel like I can never be not okay with a wonderful mother like mine. Oh and he hates her too. I just can't seem to win with him. My dad though is a whole nother issue.

This guy gets on my nerves, but I still need him to be happy too. But I shouldn't have to carry that burden. Right?

Hey there,

Due to your Ask being so long, we kindly ask you to resend your Ask and try to keep to our new 700 word limit if at all possible. Long Asks are very difficult for us to answer as there is just way too much information for us to take into account which means that often the Ask will be in our inbox for a lot longer as we don’t always have the capacity to answer them.

We hope that you understand and we are sorry for the inconvenience!

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

Edie & Indie

Edie: Idc how but get me some hard shit from daddy dearest, yeah? Indie: how hard? Edie: The best he's got Indie: i'll jack what i can but the best gets shot asap like Edie: i don't care Edie: he owes me don't you think Indie: but one tax of his goods isnt gonna make up for it Edie: why not Edie: i'm easy, fuck the birthday cards and stupid shit i woulda asked for back then Indie: dont be a tourist it wont hit the spot cos he isn't here and what he's left behind is dregs Indie: you can still have it but not gonna get you how you wanna feel Edie: Don't talk like you know what would Edie: When you're missing the point so completely Indie: is it? cos from here I'm just making a point Indie: warning you the cupboards are bare Edie: whatever Edie: if i want to get high i've got plenty other means and ways Edie: jesus fucking christ Indie: Safe Indie: have at them Edie: No give me it Indie: don't switch, said you can have what's here Indie: come through now Edie: not even gonna drop off Edie: fuck's sake, really not gonna take over the family business are ypu Indie: if you were paying instead of playing I might Indie: Standard Edie: why should I Indie: not saying you should Indie: just why I'm not postman pat Edie: never had a problem coming here before Indie: not before now Indie: come or don't Edie: what's changed Edie: same old same for me Indie: that's beast for you Indie: you and the next man like Edie: boohoo Edie: if you seriously expect me to feel sorry for you, you've definitely got the wrong sister Indie: I don't expect anything from you, trust Indie: not trying to 2s with you about anything either Edie: Whatever Edie: What you been trying to do our whole lives Indie: allow it Indie: got enough fam without you Edie: If that makes you feel better Indie: facts innit Indie: no more or less Edie: nah Edie: you ain't ready to talk facts Indie: in good company Edie: you better shut the fuck up Indie: it's chill i know you can give out more than you can take Edie: you don't know anything, Indie Edie: because if you had a clue, we wouldn't be in this situation Indie: you can gimme as much are as you want, refuse to roll with me years gone but i've been here Indie: air* Edie: nah Edie: best of both worlds, you Edie: try and make out it was hard all you want but it's bullshit Indie: Jam, girl. I'm making out nothing Indie: you know what my world's been like and I know yours Edie: No, you don't Edie: you think you do 'cos you think you're one of them Edie: laughable Edie: i ain't so you definitely aren't Indie: I am though Indie: so are you Edie: No Edie: that's why you don't know Edie: never can Edie: its all fun and games when you got a name to go back to Edie: a white face Indie: nah Edie: Throw the shit down Edie: I don't need to be around you Indie: don't tell your mates Indie: don't need them trying me Edie: as if I care about protecting you or him Indie: skeen Indie: but if you want more in future dont be so chief Edie: you don't seem to understand what's happening here Edie: you aren't doing me a favour Edie: i'm taking them Edie: end of Indie: already done you a favor Indie: its been lobbed out the window Edie: if you want me to wreck your shit then i'll come up Edie: don't get it twisted Indie: don't get yourself in one Indie: jokes as it is that you reckon on there being anything to wreck Edie: my heart bleeds Edie: its your head that's avoiding the kicking, if we've gotta go there Edie: but nah, so gutted you ain't got a plasma Edie: poor baby Indie: innit Indie: if you wanna fight me you know where i am Edie: i don't wanna see your face ever again Edie: frankly Edie: needs must, baby Indie: on you go then Indie: you got what you came for and now you can run from these ends Edie: don't fucking tell me what to do Indie: hang around my corner if you like Indie: not bothered Edie: clearly Edie: good for a laugh if nothing else Indie: start beef with some hoodies easier than you can me Edie: know that ain't true Edie: not been one-sided has it indigo Indie: you name dropping now? Indie: grimy girl Edie: can't hurt to remind you of some hometruths Indie: of what you think is the truth in my drum Edie: I don't give a shit about your home life Indie: so why are you chatting about it Edie: its your name Edie: deal with it Indie: that nobody's trying to use but you Edie: you know Edie: someone should respect your dead ma Indie: you gonna start giving her props Indie: safe Edie: why not Edie: nother druggy he didn't give a shit about Indie: be banging for your ma if you do rep her well Indie: but have to get your stories matched Indie: cos that's bait Edie: well she's always been full of shit like Indie: nah Edie: ha don't make me laugh Indie: you're the one with jokes Edie: all you Edie: well say hi to the kid for me eh Indie: yeah