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getallemeralds · 5 years

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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

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survivor-kalymnos · 4 years

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Ep. 4 - “What big legs you have! Well the better to carry my tribe with darling.” - Tristin

Sasha

When you get tribe swapped but never made significant bonds with anyone on your tribe so it’s whatever

Tristin

Fuck

cranjes

so i get put on a tribe with the person i want to blindside and the person who was gonna be gone if we lost again....great

Tristin

So a swap happened and I ended up swapping in the MINORITY with Franco who I LOVE

Rain

I’m fucked. I didn’t even get someone from my OG tribe that I particularly like.

Franco

JAY STOP PUTTING ME ON A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS I was just so happy about Eliza and I's plan to split votes being executed FLAWLESSLY, and then you do this to me. Swaps are scary enough, but THEN I GET PUT ON A TRIBE OF 5!! and Tristin and I are the only og Nera!! I'm not ready to be in the minority. I don't know how any of these people, and I feel like I'm starting at square one. I had such good relationships with everyone on nera now I gotta build that, at a disadvantage because of being in the tribal minority. I'm gonna have to put in some serious work sooner rather than later

FrancI already miss Michele and Eliza and Rain. The new Nera members are so quiet and I feel like I'm being annoying because they just! aren't giving me any tea! Ugh I hate this

lenny

I feel blindsided and anxious. This past tribal, two people voted for me and Gregg left me a message that made me feel really icky. I am sort of defeated right now and don't know how to deal with this swap or get my stamina up. :( :/ I want to cry. Not to be dramatic but I trusted people on my tribe and I feel naive for doing so.

lenny

trying to converse post swap. Not feeling like I am going to vibe with these people. they are not interested in getting to know me.

Elle

I really like the results of the tribe swap! Fae and Maxyne are with me which are two solid allies that I know I can count on. That means I am not in the minority at the moment! For now, though, I am scared about idols the other two may or may not have. Rain and Lenny are unknown factors which make them dangerous to my game. I need to use my social skills to get them under my thumb. I do not care if it makes me seem shady. I will take them out if I have to with a smile on my face. However, I know with this challenge that my tribe will certainly not be going to tribal council. I am very strong in this challenge so I have faith. My google account is trying to expose me. I forgot to logout of them so it showed my name when I logged into the google sheets. One other person was there. If they were smart then they could look up who I am. I hope it does not turn out that way. I hope they just ignored it and I can continue my alias identity.

Rain

Oy (and I cannot stress this enough) vey. Okay, new tribe. Me and Lenny are immediately a minority, so we need to win immunity because while voting her out is an option, if I do that I am CERTAINLY next to go. Except, what’s immunity? My least favorite challenge ever (aside from MAYBE lip syncs. Maybe). So basically... I’m fucked. Long term or short term. Who knows! So far, I think I like Elle the most of everyone on my tribe. Elle thinks I’m iconic for having mice. I also think I’m iconic for having mice. From what I’ve been told, Fae got separated from the people they bonded with as well, so that’s potentially helpful. But for now, once again, Oy (and I cannot stress this enough) vey.

Michele

Glad my new tribe is majority members of my old tribe. Eliza is my number 1 right now!

Franco

Okay so I'm gonna give a quick update about new Nera. I really like Cranjes, I think I like him more than most of og Nera?? Surprisingly? Like I really want to work with him on a close level, I just hope tribal lines doesn't act as an obstacle for that. We both already expressed to each other a desire to work together. Van seems kinda..... not all there. Like doesn't seem to take the game super seriously. I also think I notice some tension between Van and Cranjes, so i definitely wanna exploit that. Sasha is okay. They're super easy to talk to and have a very genuine personality. I love our conversations, but they even said themselves that they're not super active or invested in the game. At the very least they could serve as a number if I can get closer Tristin is still amazing. Besides Eliza and Michele I think I was closest to them on og Nera. And they're literally winning this challenge for us so I'm super grateful!! We both realize that we have to stick together now more than ever so we're doing that!

Maxyne

Well... it's over... i don't see why i should continue in this gane or fight to survive even when my heart lowkey isn't in this anymore and i don't think it would be fair for me to snuff the Nera minority just cause they're 2, there literally no reason why i should stay over them

Sasha

This challenge was just “I meant to contribute more to the group project but they did a bunch before I really got to it” but in an org for me tonight. At least we won so I wouldn’t have to face the consequences of that AND tribal.

Franco

we WON!!

by a LOT!! like a LANDSLIDE TBH!! i'm so excited. I'm one round closer to merge and being reunited with my allies. I really am starting to feel powerless, and it sUCKS because I was in a good position pre swap. but now I have at least a few more days!! and I intend to use them to my full advantage

cranjes

so we like kicked ass on that challenge, and i really like franco. that’s that. idk. i’m out of it. yay final 14.

Tristin

Me and Franco were in hot water after we swapped in the minority but I was determined to not to go tribal. After a frustrating attempt at the challenge, Tristin overcame as they masterminded a strategy to win, securing they and Franco’s safety. Oh I also told my tribe about an advantage for the challenge so next time we can win!! Hopefully I’m making strong impressions here. I also would like to say that I like Cranjes and think that they’re the strongest out of the 3 from Og Plati. Sasha is ok I guess and van seems useless as of now but coolish to talk to I guess???

Elle

It sucks that we have to go to tribal and that I had to do all the work for this challenge. However, I feel confident that I will not be getting voted out in this round. I have Maxyne and Fae on my side, and I have been making good connections with Rain and Lenny. In my eyes, no one should be plotting against me. In all honesty, I hope that, if its not either of the other two, that Fae goes because I have such a hard time connecting with them. They are someone I am willing to let go. Maxyne is my ride-or-die and I really feel connected with them, so I do not want them to go. Overall, I feel comfortable, but that is when I am most vulnerable. Let us hope that no one is plotting against me!

Tristin

So I am glad that Plati lost because the only people there from our tribe are Rain and um *checks blog* Lenny (forgot ab them cuz yk... irrelevancy.) Either one of them can go and I wouldn’t care. Hopefully they get out Elle which I doubt.

Tristin

Oh TRISTIN what big legs you have! Well the better to carry my tribe with darling.

Michele

I was really worried for that comp because I have never seen survivor but thanks to dumb answers and the alphabet I was able to help my team not lose!

Rain

It bears repeating. Oy vey. We lost. We lost and I’m in the fucking bottom a la random.org and I’m pleading my case and Elle has told me I won’t go home next round but if we go to tribal again and I vote out Lenny this round it’s way easier to go for me than their own tribe members!!! Oy fucking vey!!!

Michele

I really like Erick and Dusty! They really helped a lot in the challenge today. Sucks that theyre the top 2 on my current tribe hit list😈😈😈

Tristin

Y’all need to Trustin Tristin so we can Tristwin

Franco

okay so completely unexpectedly, Van just added Cranjes and I into an alliance chat. I wasn't anticipating this at all?? because I thought they didn't like each other, but I'm rollin w it!! It seems really fun, and at the very least I can ride it for a couple rounds and use it as a safety net

Lenny

Rain and I are scrambling to try and get majority. This is a mess and I know they are going to vote me out. I want to cry and I guess this karma for gregg osddndnncifud. I don’t know what to do. I need a hug.

Fae

[bernie sanders meme voice] i am once again asking you to change your pfp

Fae

So we swapped. I’m with Maxyne, Elle, Lenny and Rain. Sooo... I have an alliance with Elle and Maxyne, but I told Rain and Lenny I would gladly work with them. I have happily forced myself into the middle with an idol in my pocket. I’m sitting pretty, and not acting like myself.

Elle

I started an OG Plati alliance with Fae and Maxyne only because I feel that it is inevitable that we work together, at least for this one vote. We came to a consensus to get rid of Lenny rather than Rain. I attempted to pin the decision on Maxyne to keep my hands away from the situation. Plus, if I make other people feel in charge, then they will drag me along. I think I helped in this situation by lightly suggesting to Maxyne in PMs that Rain feels like they have a genuine connection with us. I also said that to calm Maxyne down. They are very nervous going into this tribal, and they know that the idol is gone from the Plati idol hunt. This signals to me that they do not have the idol. I am scared moving forward with this vote because I can feel a blindside in my bones. I just hope it is not me who is will be sacrificed in that scenario.

Lenny

Fae just suggested an alliance with them and Rain! This is big news. Last night, I approached Elle and Fae about why they should keep me. Elle said to not “count myself out yet” and now Fae did this. Of course I am still in jeopardy and don’t want to get my hopes up but who know what could happen now.

lenny

I've been reflecting on my friendship with Rain. During the first week, I was suspicious of them but now I am truly grateful to have an ally and someone to chat with. They are a really smart player and I hope they go far in the game if we can make this tribal work in our favor.

Dusty

So our tribes swapped and I could not have been luckier!!! I stuck with Erick, and even tho we were in the minority in terms of original tribe, I felt a lot better being with my closest ally. Not only that! But Eliza approached Erick saying she has the other half of the super idol! Now what the hell kind of good luck is that! Whew okay so now Erick, Eliza, and myself have formed an alliance, and i feel great about it!! I’m also really happy with the other members Worm and Michele, and we got a lot of bonding in through the challenge. Now this brings in the question who will i be working with moving forward. Will I stick with my original tribe come merge, or will i stick with my new tribe! All I know is that I will be working with Erick and Eliza until the end, well that’s my plan at least. I think that the tribal tonight will determine a lot. If original Plati sticks with the original tribe majority and takes out a Nera member, then sure that’s fine. But I would love to see smart players come together and maybe make an interesting play! I could see myself working with Fae come merge, and Elle I would be happy too as well for a bit, but losing Maxyne now could be more beneficial for me down the line. But hey! Theres so many possibilities and outcomes so I’ll just sit and wait and see what happens!

Eliza

Dear diary...

Jay asked me who I’d vote out if I had to so here y’all go I obviously don’t want to vote out Michele, A. I’m not interested in losing nera numbers right now and elfranchele is a group of people I want to work with at merge so keeping that intact is vital for my game right now. I don’t want to vote for worm because Michele wouldn’t agree and once again, numbers. I also love worm and find conversations come very easy when talking to them so someone I can bounce ideas around with is someone I want to keep. Dusty is someone who would come to my mind as a first vote but seeing as they have to other have of the super idol I can really do that, I decided to tell Michele about the super idol so that in case we lose she knows why we can’t afford to vote dusty out.

So numbers and idols wise that would leave Erick, only issue is, I really like Erick a lot and don’t want him to go. I could definitely see myself working with him in the future, but more importantly, I’d lose dusty’s trust if I voted out Erick, I losing dusty’s trust means losing any chance at having that super idol. So then we’re stuck in a position where no vote will benefit me and every single outcome would bite me in the ass, vote worm or Michele? Traitor, vote Erick or dusty? Losing a super idol. My best bet would be trying to have a heart to heart with dusty about why Erick has to go, but if dusty doesn’t agree with me and refuses to let Erick go? I’m royally fucked and would probably have to vote worm a good ally of mine out. Or I could trick dusty into giving me their half of the super idol although it’s unlikely it could happen but it’s not something that I think would happen realistically. So I’m simple terms, fuck

Eliza

Ndndbdbfbfh

Eliza

I forgot to say I have a steal a vote, that was meant to go WITH the key smash, oopsie

Fae

Sooo, I have successfully shoved myself into the middle. I am in the alliance with Elle and Maxyne, and the Kostas Alliance was just made. With Lenny and Rain. I also have the idol so I’m sitting pretty. Now I could completely get blind sided here. But I have chosen to work with Lenny and Rain. I trust them way more than I do the OG Plati.

“Erick”

So, tribe swap. I ended up on Vathis with Dusty, which was the luckiest coincidence of all time, thanks random.org for ur good will. Worm immediately said hey, followed by Michele and Eliza, and after Eliza and I talked for about one minute, she said she was happy to get the opportunity to talk to me because, one lucky coincidence after another, Franco was the person who got the reward from the other tribe and he shared it with her. She said upfront that she and Franco wanted to work with me and whoever I gave it to, which, Lucky Coincidence, is Dusty, also my most trusted ally here. But Eliza seemed sweet right off the bat, and I made an alliance with the three of us. I went looking for the idol and was afraid of the monkeys for a moment, so I didn’t approach, but I went back the next day and gave them an orange and they gave me a package with an idol in it!!!!!! I’m so blessed!! Lucky Fuckin Coincidence.

We started slow on the challenge, but made a killer comeback and took second when the third place tribe gave up two hours before results. It was an excellent tribe bonding experience where we roasted each other constantly for our idiotic mistakes. Michele is nice but was not contributing much, and what she did contribute was nominal. Worm is also nice but sometimes I’m at a loss of what to say to them. A lot of the time I talk they just respond “oooh nice” lol. But Dusty approached me today and said they found the place where the idol was, so I revealed it to them because I felt good about the situation, and because I think Dusty is too smart to have not considered that I may have been the one to find it. We have a nice little secret between the two of us now, and a bigger secret of the super idol between four of us. For the moment, I feel like we’re in a good place.

Worm

This tribe swap wasn't such a bad thing. I am very lucky that I am the only tribe that has a majority Nera members on it. This does have me worried because with us winning means that we are putting the rest of our old tribe members in danger so it does make me wonder that if it would every be a good idea to throw a challenge to keep some of them safe. Coming into Vathis with Eliza and Michele has me excited and slightly worried. I got pretty close with Eliza during the early rounds but I do still believe that her and Michele are very close based on how they interact in the tribe chat and how they mention each other in pms. But I do think that the still trust me enough to work with me over any of the new people. I'm also very happy that I have more time to strengthen relations with them, especially Michele. The two of us have been talking since day one but we never truly gotten over that hump of small talk so hopefully with us being trapped on a tribe together for a few more days will help ensure that we have a better working together. Now onto Dusty and Erick. So far I like them both and I do hope that they are good at challenges just for the sake of keeping our tribe safe. Honestly right now I have no opinion of one over the other of who I trust more. This kind of makes me nervous cause if I was swapped into a tribe as a minority I would be trying my hardest to connect with everyone as best I can to keep my ass safe. This has me wondering a little bit about if the other four are working together and if we lose then I'll be the one that gets voted out. Hopefully I'm just overthinking all this but only time will tell

Rain

So... Here we go. Vote is due in 1.5 hours and here’s how it’s going. According to everyone speaking to me. Elle and Maxyne are going to vote Lenny. Lenny and Fae are going to vote Maxyne. I love all of the people on this tribe. But I know If I vote out Lenny, I will be absolutely in the minority and near certainly the next to go. They can say it’s Fae all they want, but it won’t be. This early, tribes stick together. I’m leaning toward voting for Maxyne. I love Elle, but I think as long as I don’t vote her out, I can manage the damage (ooh that rhymes). And then we just don’t lose again.

Maxyne you iconic homie, you’re fun to talk to and I hope you succeed in redemption, but you won’t succeed for now.

Elle

I feel nervous all of a sudden going into tribal. I feel like people are lying to me, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I checked in with Maxyne and Fae. LEt's hope this goes well.

Maxyne

Okay, so this round could either end me or ummm end me later. I've been confessing to people that i barely did anything for the challenge which in hindsight is a TERRIBLE idea but i can't stay silent. I would hate for someone to take the heat for a mistake i made. It's the morals i guess, makes me stupid. So i've been telling the truth to people about how i'm feeling and what i've done. Basically to everyone except Lenny. Lenny is who we're planning to vote out. Or at least who I said should go. The OG Plati queens, Me, Fae, and Elle are sticking together. Obviously it irks me that The OG tribe is basically gonna Pagong the minority but my morals are only active to a point. I want Lenny out cause I feel like I could rally people to get him out. However, if the vote flips on me, I wouldn't be surprised. I feel like shit but if i can survive this round, I might start feeling better again. Tribal is about to start... wish me luck. MaxyneWASKFESACHFSCESHNCAWUSCKSJCASCFHUEHFCWYGIFWHY8OICIEJICESDCOI SHNUV BSYCB YSABC YHSAC YSHAJS Well that happened! I can finally take a nap. Sorry Jay. You know I can't win these games.

van

Yes this is late, but here we are. God this game is a whirlwind. WE WON THE CHALLENGE THOUGH. Actually fucking stomped the other tribes. I’m avoiding going to tribal with these tribes of 5 because honestly small tribes scare me. You never know what tf is happening. But it doesn’t looks like we’ll be playing the tribe line games on this one. Cranjes and I stuck together after the Big Alliance got fucking eviscerated by Jay’s expansion. We then recruited Franco because he is v scared of tribal lines and Cranjes and I think we can get him to vote our way to save his own ass. Yeehaw

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