Born to be a freak about linguistics, forced to compete in a biology olympiad.

Im a freshman who is at TJ for bio (i love it) but I don't like and am not very good at math cs tech. I've found TJ to be incredibly stressful so far and am not sure if it's worth staying here as I don't love it and APs at my base school or the IB program may be a better fit. I also don't have many friends here. Im not at a breaking point yet and I don't want to leave as its a big permanent change and I dont want to have to start again at a new school. But I feel like im missing out on life

Response from Firenze:

If you don’t like math, cs, and tech, you don’t have to do nearly as much of them after freshman year. Nothing is required past foundations of CS and Design and Tech, and depending on what math class you’re in now you may be able to take AB Calculus as a junior and then be done with math entirely. So it gets better on that front; I can tell you as someone who can’t stand tech myself. If I were you, I would think seriously about whether the many biology electives TJ offers are worth it to you. You could stick around fill your schedule as a junior and a senior with DNA science and neurobiology and all the rest of it.

I’m sorry that you don’t feel like you have many friends, and I’m not quite sure what advice to give you there. Switching to a new school would put you almost back at square one on the friends front, depending on how many base school friends you’ve kept in touch with. And here, if you join Biology Olympiad and Neuroscience Society (and even Ocean Bowl, if you’re a zoology fan, we spend a solid amount of time geeking out about sea urchins and are less hardcore than Biology Olympiad), you might have a better chance of meeting people with whom you share interests.

In the end, leaving TJ or not is your decision, and I wish you the best wherever you end up going.

Response From Fleur:

Hi there! TJ definitely throws freshmen into difficult classes, and it’s understandable that it can be frustrating to struggle in these classes. I just hope that all freshmen understand that just because you’re not getting As in a class at TJ, DOES NOT mean that you are bad at the subject, stupid, or cannot be successful in that field. It just means that you might be struggling in that one class for reasons other than the material being presented. Heck, you can drop out of high school and end up changing the world, people do that all the time. What I’m saying though, is that general high school classes are not as hard as TJ classes. My freshman year, we were using an AP biology textbook for the introductory biology class. Freshman would get 5s on the AP bio exam too. Back then people would tell me that my freshman bio class was as hard as a college class. Now in college, in a way freshman bioYOLOgy at TJ was HARDER than my college introductory biology class! Can you believe it?! I can’t. I had no freaking clue what I was doing back when I was 14. I had no idea how to study compared to now. I thought I was dumb because I wasn’t doing great in TJ math. I only got like 3 As on TJ math tests the entire time I was at the school. And it was always because teachers were lenient in grading or curved or something because it never felt legitimate. It turns out I’m good at math, I was just lacking the broad knowledge of algebra that TJ teachers never taught me but magically expected me to come up with for the test anyways. In summary, if you’re having a hard time in certain subjects at TJ, it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable. I mean, you’re like what? 14? I know the type of classes they’re throwing ya’ll into and it’s far above the level of classes that 14 years olds typically take and should be expected to do well in. Plus you’ve got 7 of them, you don’t have the time to really invest in being super proficient at all of them at once. You can come out of the TJ experience for the better because you learn how to rough it out and take impossible tests and be incredibly resilient and survive weed out classes, but it can suck while you’re in the school feeling like no matter what you do sometimes it’s never good enough. And honestly, that’s OK, there are better things in life to be perfect at than TJ classes. You don’t need to be perfect at TJ classes to be super successful or be a wonderful well-rounded caring person. You will be beyond prepared for college if you go to TJ for an extended period of time, even if you’re like me and your GPA isn’t pretty. When I walked into one of my college classes, my professor said “some of you may have heard this is a weed out class”. While most people would freak out hearing that statement, the first thought I had was “Bring it, I survived my first weed out class when I was 14 years old. I’ve had more than enough practice.” So yeah, I’d challenge your belief that you’re “not very good at CS, math, and tech classes”. I think you’re VERY good at those subjects and in the future probably would have the capacity to go get a degree in one of them (even though you might not want to haha).

Secondly, being super stressed is understandable. And not everyone loves TJ (with VERY good reason). Some people like it at first and then hate on it more over time. Some people have a love-hate relationship with it. Some people think it really screwed them up. Some people hate how it took away their childhood. And of course there are some of us who don’t need to sleep and happen to LOVE going to TJ and wouldn’t trade it for anything! It happens. If you don’t like going to TJ, I don’t blame you, and I think you have a good head on your shoulders for realizing that and thinking about what you can do about it. It’s not a good idea to go through life feeling so horribly stressed. Finding solutions is in your best interest :) You’re far from being the only person who feels that way and it truly might not be “worth it” to stay at TJ or as good of an experience as going to a typical high school where you have free time and lots of opportunity to make friends would be. And in terms of feeling like you’re missing out on your childhood  

Thirdly, I did say that TJ teaches resilience :P and that’s a great skill to have, but sometimes it’s OK (and smarter! and healthier!) to not wait until you reach some sort of breaking point to fix the problem. I get that some people want to stay at TJ so badly that they will avoid transferring until their dying breath, but dropping out of TJ IS NOT THE END. People who drop out of TJ often are having a horrible stressful no good very bad time at the school. So I kid you not, the day you are FREEEEEEEEE from every one of those obligations TJ gave you and you can BURN all your left over TJ papers and homework, truly can be the beginning of the rest of your life. Dropping out of TJ as a junior was the best decision I ever made. Yes, it can feel like a pretty big life changing decision to make to transfer schools, and it takes risk and guts and courage and confidence to make that decision, so I’m glad you feel like you’re taking your time and considering your options.  Making a pros/cons list isn’t a bad idea if you haven’t already ;) 

At the end of the day, you absolutely don’t have to go to TJ. And I don’t think you’re going to be denied opportunities in life because you left TJ. I don’t think transferring would have negative implications for you post-high school, and I say this just because some people think they won’t be able to get into the same college from another high school they would get into if they graduated from TJ. Personally, after having gone through the college admissions process at TJ and graduating from TJ, I think most people probably would have gotten into the same colleges if had they gone to another high school :)

HUGS good luck to you!

TL;DR I apologize for the long rant. It’s totally understandable to feel the way you do.

Dwelling on The ‘WHY’

In the last three days, people seem like to keep on telling and teaching me something, although I know they don’t intend it so. I just see it that way because I feel it relate to me. Two days ago, I tweeted, out of nowhere, to my best friend  some sort of “I really can't forget everything. I’ll always remember.” What I meant by that actually was about my love story because she’s the one I’d shared to the most about it. But unexpectedly, my sister involved herself to this conversation and said more or less, “... but you FORGET EVERYTHING, don’t you? That’s your problem!” It suddenly caught my gut and in that moment I said to myself, “ She’s right. I’ve forgotten almost everything about myself.” As far as I can tell, in hindsight, I’d say that I easily forgot almost everything essential. I always forgot how far I’d come, what I’d done, what I’d struggled for, how many times I’d been through tough times... Yeah, she’s right.

Then, today I open my Twitter again and I see my friend has replied my previous tweet I’ve talked about above. She tells something about me who was able to compete somehow in Math, Physics, and Biology competition —at elementary school, middle school, and high school respectively— during my school period. She says that (the way I take it) she doesn’t know whether it’s my special ability or otherwise it’s an inconsistency side of me. And again, I say to myself, “She’s got the point. She’s right.” Although, like I’ve said before, I know she doesn’t mean this very way because there are another following tweets that make me think she doesn’t mean that way. I can’t know what’s exactly on her mind, can I? The point is I’m grateful to read those tweets. It makes me think of WHY I did those things at that period of my life? Now, let me think about it...

At elementary school I knew I liked Math. It’s the most accomplished subject for me because it was simply all about numbers and only needed logic. That’s what I thought about Math at elementary school and could still afford it with my adequate logic capacity. Then, when I levelled up to middle school, I thought I still wanted to explore Math so I enrolled to Math Club. The topmost reason why I, afterwards, decided to move to Physics Club was because I thought I could never get a chance to be ‘something’ in Math —Math at middle school was far more rigorous than at elementary school and I had far more superb competitors. I always said to myself, “If it comes to Math, the Olympiad or other competition question/case given is something that can’t be solved because I’m not a Math genius and will never be at that level.” Math concept is simple, but its variations of question/case are limitless and complex. And my brain couldn’t withstand it anymore. My logic capacity had come to its limit.

I met Physics at 8th grade and it seemed simple, at least from Mathematical side. I liked it because it combined Physical theory, Math, and proven by application in reality. In addition, my sister was in it when she’s at middle school, thus I thought it’s worth a try. And yeah, it’s fun, I mean, the Physics Club. There’s a place for me and the cases given were solvable so far. I couldn’t get to the same level as my club-mate  —one of my friends genius in Physics— I knew, but I enjoyed it anyway.

Then, I went to high school. I still wanted to involve myself in Physics, but there's no plenty of chances. There's no academic club at my high school. If I wanted to join and compete in Olympiad, all I needed to do was enrolling directly for school-level selection. Those who passed the selection would join a training to face the 'real' Olympiad at municipal level. I thought I was doing good enough at Physics class, thus I enrolled. However, the selection was tough and very hard for me and, to be honest, out of my logic capacity, even though I certainly understood the concept. As I half-expected, I was not chosen to be one of the candidates going to municipal level. I didn't really think much of it, though. And after all, I was still given a place to join the training. Yeah, I knew Physics teacher giving the training. He's the kindest teacher of all. And those happened at 10th grade where, as long as it’s ‘class’ level, I kept doing excellent in both Math and Physics.

Going to 11th grade, I attracted people’s attention with my Biology exceptional excellence. I had always done good in Biology since 10th grade, actually. As I could recall, I never faced any difficulty in Biology since elementary school. At 11th grade, then, I was given a chance to join Biology Olympiad squad. I didn’t ask for it though. Yet, my teacher told me to join and I thought there’s no reason not to try it. And I didn’t expect too much of it, thus there’s nothing to lose. 

We did the Biology Olympiad training and it was fun. I thought I was doing nothing significant, to be honest, until the day of the competition. But then when the result came out, gratefully, I got through to province level! At province, I had no idea what to do. So did my friends, fortunately. It rather felt like ‘just for experience’ and I didn’t regret anything for I wasn’t a prodigy in it. Yeah, I felt a sense that high school was a place of prodigies from some middle schools gathered. They were those students with some title from middle school on their track record. So, yeah, what did I expect? I was very grateful getting this chance and that’s all.

Therefore, after what’s been through, it’s not purely inconsistency, isn’t it? I know I didn’t give my all in both Math and Physics. But it’s caused by the fact that I couldn’t afford it anymore for Olympiad kind of competition. Meanwhile, yes, I always enjoyed Biology at class, yet I never thought to involve myself too far to Olympiad while unexpectedly I was given a chance. On one hand, it makes me seem like I can do everything. But, on the other hand, it makes me confused which one is my true strength and that I want to dig deeper for my life. 

Now, I’ve made up my mind. And one thing that I want to pinpoint: No matter what you want to dive in, you need to have commitment and embrace the process no matter how hard it is. Otherwise, you’ll never be going anywhere. Give it all you’ve got, all you have, and all you can. Don’t take every chance for granted. And lastly, be brave!

My Entire World & Existence Goes To You

For the record, this is supposed to be a monthly thingy. But since I've lost my precious, this won't be a big thing as it should be back then. Think of the person you love when reading this.

I know you're probably bored of my long texts about how i admire you so much. well, heres another one of your special features cause whats not to tell if you're really my kind of perfection?

Okay, where should i start? Oh. That eyes. of course.

The deathly stare of the whole galaxy with the most seductive way possible is in your eyes. The eyes said it all, it could almost rule me like it somehow hypnotized me. But, lucky me, i ain’t letting you take over the whole thing!:p Maybe thats one of the reasons why i can't lie to you. I can't tell a single lie TO YOU. No wonder i fell for it over and over since the first time i saw them. I’m weak for it just as i am for your lips.

The lips. omg. Can I just say that I could kiss them for years if that even possible and not causing them to rot from acids and whatever the hell are the enzymes in our mouth (honey, I can mention all of the biological substances but this is not another of my biology olympiads so lets just talk about you). Yeah. Though i have to actually tip toed a bit to reach them, but still, my total weakness is there BRO i’m really up for a kiss. For YOUR kiss. Do you still remember our first ever goodnight kiss? That was when you stay over at my house (jeez, how can you even gain my parents’ trust that easy??). Anyway, yeah, that was super awkward but i love it anyway. Theres this one time when my lips got all swollen up by all the sucking and i was gonna go to campus the next day. Ain’t gonna lie, that was really embarrassing thanks to you and those lips.

Whats next? Hmmm your body! Total turn on man i’m really a pro on you working out and all that cause that’ll make everything even better. Of course, you hike mountains. How can you not have a body like that?? No wonder, huh? And yes, it is very huggable and cuddle-able. I love snuggling up with you and falling asleep besides you. I love it when you hug and pillow me from behind. That is the most comfortable feeling in the world. I always feel safe around you. I love you I love you I love you!!!!

And the rest is your soul. You have the truest soul, i know. Even tho sometimes you can be a total pain in the ass and a jigsaw puzzled shithead i can never solve, you're still adorable and yet lovable. Oh, and you're always ambitious on what you're trying to achieve. Maybe we can work on that a little but thats one of your advantages as a hard worker in the future. I know you’ll be a great person someday. I can’t wait to see you in your glorious moments. I hope i’m still there to witness the whole thing (i hope we’re still together. i hope.). The “i can’t, i have work to do” and “maybe next week? I got assignments that are needed to be done by this week” and “holidays, i promise. as for now, i have to study” become something great. something that pays off your hard work and yeah a bit of my “okay”s with your excuses, i guess?

Honey, just know that i will always be there in your lowest and darkest days. I’m willing to help and if i can't, i hope we’ll find another way to solve things up. I’m always gonna be there for you. You’re my precious. I take care of my precious with my life. And even if we happen to not be together again someday, which hope will never happen, feel free to ask for my help. I will always love you and if theres a chance that we ever broke up, that will NEVER be my idea. That, i promise you too. My entire world and existence goes to you.

Anyway, happy 9th, sayang.

In case you forgot, this was written 3 months ago. I never got the chance to say this in person or in actual text to the person behind the ‘you’s in this long ass writings. But of course, again, feel free to think of the person you love when reading this.

For ‘The One’, love, I still love you and will forever be that way. Please come back home. Our routines missed you so much. I miss you. Too much i can't even go through a day without thinking of your well-being.

Please, come home.