WV is such a good and interesting character and I love him so very much. The Warweary Villein. The Wayward Vagabond. The Wastelandic Vindicator. Just Some Guy who looked at the world and watched as it burned around him and said Not Anymore. A revolutionary built from nothing, who raised an army to fight against their king, who was a bastion for hope amongst the carapacians. He's so important to me.

This post is NOT about the Mayor.

The Legend of Frosty the Snowman REVIEW:

Hello there everybody. My name is JoyofCrimeArt and welcome to the third review in my month long "Deviant-cember." special event. If you where here last time you would of seen my review of the 1992 holiday specials "Frosty Returns." But as I said at the end of that review, we're not done with Frosty the Snowman just yet. Because there's not just one, but two Frosty the Snowman sequels that came out after the fact that weren't created by Rankin-Bass. One was "Frosty Returns" and the other was 2005's "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman." which we are going to talk about today! 

 "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman," as previously stated, was a 2005 special direct to DVD special created by Classic Media and Studio B productions, and was designed to be a "broad strokes reboot." of Frosty the Snowman. Other then that, there's not much history behind this special other then the fact that they use to show this all the time on Cartoon Network when I was younger. How does this special hold up to the other entries in the Frosty mythos? Well, let's dive in and find out.  The special opens up in the dark and creepy attic of an old man...  ...Not the best place to start.  All jokes aside, this is where we meet our celebrity narrator, this time played by Burt Reynolds. He introduces us to the story, just like all of the past narrators have done in these specials, and he has an advantage over Johnathan Winters because he is not a scary gremlin man. So points to this special right off the back.  The special starts with a series of chained up crates being magically opened, with Frosty the Snowman's hat locked inside. The hat, free from it's shackles, flies out the window. The narrator tells us that Frosty the Snowman always goes where he is needed. We then get to see our main character of the special, Tommy Tinkerton, (played by Kaith Soucie.) Tommy, and his brother Charlie, are woken up by there father Mr. Tinkerton, and told to get ready for school.  Now might be a good time to talk about these three characters. Tommy, our main character, is rather bland. Now granted the main kid characters in all of the Frosty special where bland, with Holly from "Frosty Returns." being the closest to not bland, but still not quite making it. So Tommy being the boring "generic kid" character isn't really that much of a surprise. Tommy's brother, Charlie, on the other hand I actually kinda like. He's the stereotypical "big brother bully" character but with the added twist of, rather than being a delinquent he's actually a of a stickler for the rules, which is an interesting combination of traits that you don't see that much of in characters. It gives him a bit of depth, or at least by Frosty the Snowman standards, which is not much.  And then we have Tommy's dad, Mr. Tinkerton. He is the mayor of the town (called Evergreen) and also one of the whitest humans to ever white. This is appropriate because he is voiced by Tom Kenny, who is also one of the whitest people to ever white. This guy is a control freak, to a cartoonish extent. Granted, that's obviously the point of the character, and it's used for comedy, but still. It's a bit insane. He goes outside to inspect the city, I guess, and he goes to make sure that the sun rises at exactly six am. (Which by the way is frickin' earily for the sun to rise in winter.) He licks a sidewalk (to test how clean it is.) And then he "convinces." a flower to be in bloom despite it being winter. This Mayor is frickin' nutty to say the least.  He then goes back inside his house to "inspect." his family before the kids go off to school. Now I know this is all suppose to be played for laughs, and Tom Kenny's voice does make it much harder to find this scene terrifying, but all I'm saying was that if you put these scenes and played them off a little different it would come off as a LOT more cultish. It kinda comes off like that one dystopian future run by Ned Flanders in the fifth Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode.

(Look at those eyes. Those are eyes of true fear.)    Mr. Tinkerton inspects his kids and they they go off in there single file line off to school. The narrator tells us that the kids in this town never stepped out of line, unless it was on accident. Then as there walking they all slip on some ice, causing a massive chain reaction causeing Tommy to knock over a mailbox, which makes a car swerve into a fire hydrant. The fire hydrant burst releasing a massive flood of water that instantly freezes, causing the kids to slip more until they crash into city hall. And do you want to know what the messed up thing is? The special heavily implies that it was FROSTY who did this. Because right as Tommy is getting up after crashing into the wall of city hall, he see's the hat fly by and land on the school statue. And this special establishes that in this incarnation Frosty can use magic without being built, because the hat itself is sapient and magical in it's own right. And Frosty's consensus is held there.  What the heck Frosty, what did you do all of that for? To show them about non conformity by forcing them out of there line? I mean yeah, you did that, but you also nearly killed these kids! And what about that guy driving the car? He easily could of died, and now he has to ride the bus everyday to work! Frosty is just a being of pure Chaos!

FRICKIN' REK'D SON! (Part Deuce!)   Tommy goes and talks to his nerdy black best friend, Walter. (Cause you have to have a nerdy black best friend. "Danny Phantom" taught me so.) And talks about how he's going to ask out his crush, Sara, out. Walter teases Tommy, saying that he says that everyday by Tommy tells him that "There's something different about today."  Tommy makes it to school where he sees the flying hat again, and tries to tell the school principal, Principal Pankley, about it. Unfortunately for Tommy the head fly's off before the principal can see it, and he yells at Tommy telling him to get to class.  In the classroom we see that things are just as strict and cultish as they are outside. It seems that Principal Pankley is just as strict and uptight as Tommy's dad is, only he's a lot meaner about it. He also seems to stalk the classrooms watching the students just to make sure that the students are acting in line. Shouldn't he have like, paperwork to do, or something? Tommy once again see's the Frosty hat, this time outside the school window. But since hes in class there isn't much he can do about it.  The school day ends Tommy tries to talk to his crush, Sara, but he strikes out. We then cut to Tommy's house at dinner time where Tommy and his brother compete in an...table etiquette themed game show? WTF! (Which, by the way, stands for "What the Frosty." in this context.")

So yeah, just in case we haven't drove home the point that Mr. Tinkerton is a frickin' maniac, this scene is here to reiterate that this guy likes rules. Tommy's brother Charlie dominates the game and Mr. Tinkerton ends up giving him a number one pin for winning. While this scene is...dumb, it does sort of serve a point. Shocking, I know, but hear me out. This scene shows, in a kinda subtle way, that Mr. Tinkerton as a lot more in common with Charles than he does with Tommy, showing a bit of a parental favoritism. I wish the special dove more into this, but sadly it does not.  After dinner, Tommy is seen looking out the window and the hat appears to him one more time. This time Frosty shows off one of his many new superpowers. This version of Frosty can create an astral projection of himself, cause why the heck not, am I right? I mean if Elsa can use her ice powers to somehow make herself a dress in "Frozen" then I don't see why Frosty can't use his ice powers to make an astral projection of himself.  Tommy see's the astral snowman beckoning to him, but Tommy tells Frosty that he can't go outside because he's scared of getting in trouble and disappointing his father. This is very different from the most realistic response of "OH MY GOD! THAT FLYING HAT CREATED AN ASTRAL IMAGE OF A SNOWMAN OUTSIDE MY WINDOW! WHAT THE ACTUAL F#&K!" But I guess somethings never change with these specials. (I swear I think the traffic cop is the only one who ANY of the Frosty specials to actually react to Frosty!)

 So the hats like "Ugh, whatever, screw this kid." and flies off to find a kid who's more willing to be a main character! So Frosty's hat flies over to Tommy's best friend Walter's house instead. We see a bit into Walter's home life. We see that Walter is a very nervous child with a very loud and demanding mother, who Walter is kind of afraid of. Walter see's Frosty's hat tap on his window and...wait, what the heck is wrong with that map behind Walter?

(So is that weird land mass in the lower right hand corner suppose to be Australia? Or is this confirming that this special actual exist after some kind of nuclear Armageddon ravages the land and ends up reshaping the continents #CARTOONCONSPIRACY)  Anyway Walter opens the window and grabs on the hat, only for the hat to fly off with Walter holding on to the hat. Taking Walter flying over the city. Tommy see's this and opens the window asking where Walter is going. Walter response that he doesn't know. Tommy then proceeds to do nothing to help his friend and is nowhere to be seen for the rest of the scene. Man between Tommy and Holly I think there might just be a tradition of the main character of Frosty specials to be massive jerks to there friends.  So after Frosty kidnaps this child he then proceeds to bring him to the middle of the forest. #happyholidays. Walter admits that the flight across the city was fun a proceeds to put the hat on a snowman, thus reviving Frosty the Snowman, this time played by Bill Fagerbakke. In case you don't know Bill Fagerbakke is the voice actor of Patrick Star in "Spongebob Squarepants" and his voice really works for Frosty in this special (Though it can get a bit grating when he yells, though luckily that's not that big of a problem here because Frosty actually whispers a lot of his lines in this special.) As typical at this point Walter only seems slightly surprised to see a talking snowman. Though to be fair he did just fly across the city riding a hat, so by comparison I guess this isn't really that out of the ordinary.    So Frosty shows Walter about all the fun one can have in the snow when there not to concerned about rules and safety and the like. They have a snowball fight, the race down a hill, Frosty makes it snow (Showing off more of his reality warping Godlike powers.) And then Frosty walks Walter home. Walter talks about how he's scared to go inside, because he's scared of how his mother is going to react. Frosty ask why Walter would be scared of his own Mom, and asks if Walter's mom is some kind of hairy monster or something. Walter tells Frosty that his mom is just a normal lady and Frosty wonders why Walter would be scared of a normal lady. This gives Walter the bravery to go inside his house.  This is what I really like about this iteration of Frosty. He manages to combine both the dim witted nature of the original Rankin-Bass Frosty with the wisdom and insight of the "Frosty Returns" version of Frosty. He comes off as an idiot, but he actual ends up having some sage advice for the kids, weather on accident or on purpose. In fact, do you want to know what this version of Frosty the Snowman reminds me of? A better version of "Uncle Grandpa." Think about it for a second. He's a magical entity who shows up out of nowhere who only interacts with kids, and takes them on adventures where they learn about themselves while also acting kind of like an idiot. It's a pretty apt comparison! I remember at one point the creator of Uncle Grandpa said this during an interview with the website Cartoon Brew about the character of Uncle Grandpa.

He talks about how at the end of the day you don't know if Uncle Grandpa is an idiot or if it's all really planned. The thing is though, is that when you watch "Uncle Grandpa" it's made pretty frickin' clear that he's an idiot. We see him when he's not with kids and he acts like an idiot there to. However, I feel like this version of Frosty fits this description better. It is kept vague. There is a bit of mystery around Frosty, and how much he knows. You really don't know if his advice comes from genuine wisdom, or ignorance or both, and that's what I really like about this version of him.  So Walter walks inside and when his mother asks him where he was, he just says that he was "out having fun." and walks off. This disobedience causes his mother to faint. The next day Walter goes to school and, because he stayed out after curfew, is considered "the bad boy." of the school and everybody takes noticed. Including Principal Pankley and Tommy's dad. And because Walter stayed up past curfew, Principal Pankley decides to give him detention, which is...way beyond his jurisdiction. A principal can't punish a student for something they did after school. Also why is Tommy's dad here? He's the mayor! While he may have some kind of ability to punish Walter for breaking curfew he has no power to punish him in the school. Evergreen seems to be pretty much a dictatorship where the mayor and the principal have the power to do whatever the heck they want.  During lunch Charlie ends up threatening Walter, warning him that if he keeps up this delinquency he'll be sorry. Unfortunately Charlie pounds the table, knocking Walter's food off it, and the food lands all over the principal and Charlie ends up getting detention too. Mr. Tinkerton ends up removing Charlies number one pin. Mr. Tinkerton and Principal Pankley ask Walter where he was the following night and Walter tells them that he was hanging out with a talking snowman. Mr. Tinkerton has a weird reaction to this, but Principal Pankley just says that that's nonsense.  While all of this is going on, Tommy tries to stalk er, I mean "follow" Sara into the forest so he can tell her how he feels about her. But unfortunately for Tommy, he chickens out yet again. We see that Sara is building a model city out of snow in the forest because she dreams of being an urban planner. But her mom does not want her to become an urban planner, because even urban development is to much fun for the people of this town. But then, for like the ten billionth time in this special so far, Tommy see's Frosty's hat. Only this time he actually decides to chase the hat down. The hat ends up flying into the local library. Tommy runs around trying to find the hat only to trip on a secret lose panel in the library, leading to some kind of secret passage way.  Okay, now here is when things get a bit confusing. Even though we just saw the hat fly into the library we immediately see a fully formed Frosty outside the school window. (Which by the way how is he fully formed. Who built him the body this time? Did the hat just fly all the way back to where he left his body before showing up?) Charlie and Walter see him and leave detention through BECAUSE THERE'S NO TEACHER WATCHING THEM! (like I know they locked the door, but they where still able to leave the room through some off screen other door I guess!) and they go outside to go see Frosty. They goof around and Charlie begins to warm up to Frosty.  Then we cut right back to Tommy, meaning either this special is telling events out of order or that the scene with Walter and Charlie took place in exactly zero seconds. He's still at the top of the stairs that he started descending in the last scene! He goes down the stares through the secret tunnel in the library where we see Frosty's hat again! This leaves only three options, either  A.) The scene with Walter and Charlie takes place after this scene, and the specials telling these events out of order. (Which the special gives no other hints of.)  B.) Frosty entered the library (in hat form.) Then left the library and met up with Charles and Walter (in snowman form) and then came back to the library (in hat form again.) all in the span of time it would take Tommy to walk down the steps. Which would be like a couple minutes at MOST!  Or C.) THERE ARE TWO FROSTY'S #CARTOONCONSPIRACYAGAIN!  Anyway Tommy ends up finding a comic book in this library. This comic book happens to be a comic book ABOUT Frosty the Snowman, telling of his origins! (D-Don't ask why. Just roll with it.) We learn of the story of a small little boy who is the son of a magician (a magician who you may recognize if you've seen the original Frosty the Snowman, though they change his name.) This kid grew up never believing in magic since, being the son of a magician, knew how all the tricks where done. This was until he ended up putting his father's hat onto a snowman, and the snowman came to life. But after his first meeting with the snowman was unable to find Frosty ever again, and assumed he made it up.  It's a cute re-imaging of the origin story all things considered. Though in some ways it does seems like a bit of a self insert fanfiction, replacing Karen with this new kid. But whatever, it's neat.  But then Mr. Tinkerton enters the library and the librarian informs him that his son is here. Tommy quickly runs out of the secret basement and meeting up with his father. Mr. Tinkerton tells Tommy that he needs to rely on Tommy to help him keep order, and tell him if any more mischief comes up. He also tells Tommy that all of his rules are there to make sure that people don't have any unrealistic expectations when it comes to things like magic. Mr. Tinkerton gives Tommy the number one pin and gives him a hug. It's a nice scene that puts Tommy in the situation where he has to pick between his father's acceptance and what is actually the right thing to do. (Also I think the voice acting really sells it. This special might not be that "good" but it does have some great voice talent.)  That following night we see Sara, working on her piano scales, which she does not seem to find much enjoyment in. She tells her mother this, but she does not seem to care. That, or course, is when Frosty shows up. Sara mentions that nobody seems to listen to her and Frosty says it might be because she's talking to loudly. Because to paraphrase Frosty "The quieter you talk, the more attention you have to pay just to hear what your saying." See, this is what I like about this version of Frosty. He has this air of wisdom to him. It's a good lesson, as the loudest people aren't necessarily the ones who you should be listening to.  Sara says she wants to learn how to ice skate and Frosty obliges. He demonstrates more of his Godlike powers my making THE FRICKIN' MOON SHINE ON THEM, MAKING IT THERE OWN PERSONAL SPOTLIGHT! (Why can Frosty control the moon? This goes way beyond the power of ice and snow. Also Frosty vs Elsa "Death Battle" please.)

(Or maybe Frosty is just trying to activate his Oozaru Form.)    The next day at school it seems that all of Tommy's friends have turned against him because, now that he has Mayor Tinkertons number one pin, they believe him to be the enemy. Tommy mentions that Frosty's powers steam from his hat and walks off, unsure if he should chose his friends or his father to follow (even though his friends are kinda being jerks here, in all honesty.)  That night Tommy walks into his family room to see his mother scrap booking when he see's a photo of the boy from the comic book. It turns out that the boy from the comic book, the one who originally created Frosty was none other than...Tommy's father.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvcoly2i-3M

(Except, y'know, it was pretty dang obvious.)  The next morning Mr. Tinkerton goes outside to do his inspection and nobody is listening to him. The sun refuses to rise at 6 am (rising at 6:01 instead. Which I think is less a sign of disobedience and more just a sign of the season changing.) and nobody is following the rules. Even the adults, for some reason. Even though later we see that the adults are just as upset about the disobedience as Mr. Tinkerton is. 

(Here's something my older brother pointed out. This special is basically "Footloose with Frosty." It's Frostloose!)  Anyway this mild chaos makes Mr. Tinkerton spiral even further into his madness. Principal Pankley goes up to him and tells Mr. Tinkerton that he does not have what it takes to quell this rebellion, and so Principal Pankley decides to take matters into his own hands. Pankley ends up seeing Frosty while he was spying on the kids playing in the woods. (Which sounds a lot more eff'd up now that I right that sentence down.) and decides to take action. You see throughout the special Walter has been getting progressively more and more jealous of the other kids for stealing his time with Frosty, to the point to where he kinda becomes that clingy girlfriend type who always wants you to themselves. Principal Pankley see's this and tell's Walter that if he wants to have some time with Frosty all by himself he should go after dark when there less people around, and Principal Pankley agrees to chaperone the excursion since it's set after curfew. Walter ends up agreeing to the arrangement, even though this entire special has made it really clear that Principal Pankley is even more of a rule freak than Mr. Tinkerton is, and has made it pretty clear that he would never do something this nice to anybody ever.  Then, in case things weren't out there enough Principal Pankley decides to basically just, declare himself mayor of the town, in order to more efficiently take down the menace of Frosty the Snowman. Y'know I don't think a snowman running around is really worthy of bring out this kind of marshal law. And of course everybody in the town just kinda rolls with it, because why wouldn't they.

That night Tommy is reading the comic book, trying to looks for some kind of a solution when suddenly some more pages of the story are magically reveled to him. The books shows that the reason that Frosty never returned to Mr. Tinkerton as a kid was because another, jealous child had found the hat and locked it up. And that kid happened to be Principal Pankley! And the comic also reveled that Walter was at the lake with Principal Pankley right now. Thanks magic comic book for waiting this long give give Tommy the answers he needed. If you just had all your pages from the start maybe we could of avoided this, but no, you had to wait till the very last minute give us all the information we needed, because you wanted to be dramatic! Also how come Frosty waited this long to leave the trunk that Principal Pankley locked him up in? I mean he just kinda broke out of the box at the beginning of the special. It's not like anyone let him out. Why did it take twenty years to escape?  But whatever. We see that Walter is out in the middle of the woods...at night..with Principal Pankely...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgJYTeBynqA

And Walter is skating with Frosty. (Principal Pankley is hiding behind a tree so Frosty doesn't see him.) But while there skating the thin ice breaks and Frosty ends up falling into the water. What would of happened if the ice didn't break? This plan isn't very thought out at all. After Frosty melts Principal Pankley grabs the hat and leaves laughing.  Later all the kids have noticed that Frosty stopped showing up, and everybody assumes that it was Tommy who got rid of him. The think this on the ground that Tommy never spent any time with him, he has Mr. Tinkerton's number one pin, and he would have the knowledge on how to destroy him because he mentioned knowing his origin earlier. Principal Pankley begins to revel in his new found power. But Tommy decides that he has stop being scared and do whats right and save Frosty! He get's Walter to confess to his accidental role in Frosty's destruction and the hatch a plan to bring him back. He shows the comic to all the other kids and gets back to there good graces and then they storm to school to retrieve Frosty's hat. (Which is just in a frickin' glass case in the middle of the school where everyone can see it. Cause that'll stop the hat that broke out of like six chained up trunks.)  Principal Pankley chases the kids back to the frozen pond where they engage in a snow themed chase and snowball fight that is way less epic then the specials says it is. Everyone in town hears the commotion (because the glass case had an alarm.) and goes to the pond as well. The kids rebuild Frosty the F#&k Boi and all the adults see Frosty for themselves, including Mr. Tinkerton. He and Frosty reconnects and Tommy gives the pin back to his father. Frosty ends up hitting Walter's mother and an entire snowball fight with all the kids and adults break out as all the adults learn the error of there ways. As for Principal Pankley...

(Okay that doesn't happen, but let me have my version dang it!)  And the special reveals the shock twist. That Tommy ends up growing up to become...Burt Reynolds! Er, I mean the narrator. The narrator is a grown up Tommy. I like the twist, making the narrator have more of a point then just being some random guest star. Though it is a bit weird that the narrator isn't some kind of horrid uncanny valley version of Bruce Willis. It just feels like it's breaking Frosty tradition. Oh, and we learn that Tommy ended up marring Sara, and I definitely...don't care.  Oh and what happens to Frosty? Um...In don't know. They never really say what happens to him once the winter ends. Also they never really say what happens to Principal Pankley. I guess he's still the principal? And will continue to make life for the student miserable at school? I dunno, who cares? The special is over now.  So that was "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman." is it any good? Well, probably not, but it has some good parts. The voice cast is pretty good, including Burt Reynolds, who has a really good voice that adds a lot of gravitas to the narrator. (Also Bert Reybnolds sings, which is probably something that you won't here in Dukes of Hazard.) The animation is okay, kinda generic looking but they kinda make up for it by having a lot of nice colors, with lots of blues and whites. Also I really like this version of Frosty. I don't know if I like him more or less than the "Frosty Returns" version of him (as Bill Fagerbakke loud and oafish sounding voice he gives Frosty can get a bit grating at times, like I said previously, but It's prety good for like 90-95 percent of the film) I still think the voice is a perfect fit for what there doing with this version of Frosty, there are just a couple of times where it sounds a bit to much like Patrick Star yelling. (By the way, I like how this special has Bill Fagerbakke still being friends with Tom Kenny.) I love the idea of Frosty being this world traveler and I think this special does a good job combing elements from both the original and the "Frosty Returns" incarnation. It's a good reboot even if it's not the best story.  Unfortunately the film has a lot of problems to. Most of the kids are fairly generic. Charlie and Walter are kinda interesting but Sara and Tommy are both rather bland. Tommy has a good conflict in the story, and a good arc, but outside of that he's just a generic kid. And there love story felt very tacked on, like I think they only speak to each other a couple of times in the whole movie and they don't have any chemistry. We don't get a reason on why Tommy likes her other than "cause I'm the main character and she's the token girls so I guess we're suppose to be together! Also the story is pretty dumb and full of plot holes. They go to cartoonish lengths to show how uptight the adults are but it doesn't come off as funny. It's just another 'fight the establishment." story that we've seen many times before. Also Principal Pankley, while having some goofy and amusing moments is nowhere near as fun of a villain as Mr. Hinkle or Mr. Twitchell. Also this special is sixty six minutes long and it can be a bit of a drag by the end. They probably could of cut it down to forty four if they cut out some of the more filler-y scenes.  So do I recommend this special? Well, it depends on who you are. I think you can tell by reading this review if it's something that would be up your alley or not. It's dumb, cheesy and kind of bland but there are some creative elements in it that might warrant you checking it out. It available on Netflix and on DVD if you are interested.  So I hoped you liked my review. It's a bit longer than I was expecting but what are you going to do? Have you seen "The Legend of Frosty the Snowman?" and if you did what do you think of it. Tell me in the comments. I think discussion is a great way to never fall into a echo chamber so I'd love to start a discussion. Where does it rank with the other Frosty special? And what are some of your favorite Christmas specials that not that many people talk about? Do you have any ideas for things for me to review in the future? Leave all of that or any other thoughts in the comments down bellow and feel free to fav and follow if you liked the review. As you can hopefully see I put a lot of thought and time into so I would be very appreciative. I'll be back next Friday for the finale of "Deviant-cember." with the "2016 year in REVIEW!" Hopefully see you guys then and have a great holiday. (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review all credit goes to there original owners.)

https://www.deviantart.com/joyofcrimeart/journal/The-Legend-of-Frosty-the-Snowman-REVIEW-652910204 DA LINK

Unlikely Heroes | Wes & Michael

Plotted Ahead! | @lightoforre

He never thought he’d have to deal with this shit again. He was certainly prepared for it – so much so that when news broke out about the return of Cipher, all he could do was rest his hand on his forehead and heave a disappointed sigh – but dammit, it’s not like he wanted this to happen. This was the third time now – three times… far too many; two times more than was absolutely excessive by now. He was beyond frightened; he was beyond angry; he was just… fucking tired. And it was sad, too; he once thought of Cipher as the more advanced group – they, who created the technology that would be able to trap negative emotions of abuse and neglect and torture within a Pokemon and hold it down by chains, and prompt that animalistic, angry fight-or-flight response in them perpetually; Cipher did that. They created a disgusting research lab that monitored their abuse scientifically – studied the dark auras that radiated off of these Pokemon they had afflicted. They had Snagem under their thumb – those buffoons who’d decided they’d do just about anything for Cipher if it meant they could steal their fill and sell off the rest to the Under’s black market where those hostile Pokemon would be released to the masses to create chaos. Snagem, who, compared to Cipher’s brilliance, seemed like a bunch of fucking chimps running circles around their masters for a banana. Cipher had that much power. That much prestige. That much reach. That. Much. Genius.

And they were all just dumbasses like the rest of them.

Honestly – not even Snagem put up that much of a resistance at this point. Snagem – who was known for their brutality and their scrappiness, being able to exist like the worms they were in every corner of the great sand dunes that were Orre like coyotes waiting for a kill – yes, even they gave up when Wes himself squarely kicked their collective asses and showed them just who the fuck they were up against. They realized they fucked up. They called it quits. But Cipher? Cipher – no. Call it resilience or call it tenacity or whatever the hell else you’d like, but it was nothing more than sheer stupidity. Tenacity suits a group straggling on its last legs trying to put on a brave face in front of adversity beyond compare. It’s calculating your regrowth and regroup so that you can rise at the perfect opportunity with full force and full ambition. And certainly – most certainly – the attack two years prior was just that: it was calculated; it was cunning; it was unexpected and it was at that very same perfect opportunity. It was… honestly brilliant. Still failed – but. Brilliant nonetheless. But this time around?

Needless to say, Wes just didn’t fucking understand it; it seemed to him like the most neophytic and ragtag of moves. Where, previously, they had spent five years slowly building and building and improving, now there… wasn’t any sense in it. Second time around, they made a goddamn island as their base of operations; for Christ’s sake, they created a Shadow Pokemon that, without Krane’s recent breakthrough in Shadow Purification, would’ve been irreversible. Honestly, Krane never had a reason to continue his Shadow research as anything more than a whim and a precaution – all the same reason as why Wes kept his Snag Machine with him at all times after all these years, rather than destroying the damned thing like he honestly should. Had that man not been curious; had he not been cautious and wary of this very same thing, that… Lugia – that XD001 – would’ve been something far greater than Wes ever could’ve handled. But… now?

Well, first and foremost, Wes was certainly more prepared this time around. Two years ago, he wasn’t even here; he was halfway across the subcontinent at the time, living his good life ready to be married to the man of his dreams. Orre decided that slaving around one man to be a martyr and a hero wasn’t enough anymore – now that he was gone and had snuck himself away off to Unova to live his happy life; how dare he – and that the best thing that they could do was scrape up another hero to look to like the Superman that’d solve all their problems.

The second resurgence of Cipher only ever tore Wes up inside, especially now looking back. His affairs in Unova only ever led him to nothing – nothing but heartbreak and a bunch of other bulllshit he’d rather not dwell on – and it only served to make the situation at home all the more embittering. He could’ve spent all of that time in Unova building himself up and building himself up – gathering memories of the happiest days of his life – only to have them crash and burn, and for him to fall from his perch – fall from his high horse; his peak, his mountain – and go and taint and ruin all of those memories that he once held dear; or… he could’ve spent his good time back in Orre, taken his lumps and meet with mayors he didn’t care for, become the Thief Hero of Orre, the poster boy that anybody – anybody – could be a hero if they go through enough shit and get screwed over by the system enough to get desperate and be at the right place at the very wrong time and decorate it around as herodom. It made him sick. After Poster Boy #1 got sick and tired of being flanderized and his struggles glamorized for the news and media, they just went and got another fucking kid – he was seventeen at the time – quirky and starry-eyed; he’d seen pictures of the kid and his bright smile and bright red hair, though he never quite got around to a name – they’d called him the Light of Orre; where Wes had been decorated around as an under-the-radar, renegade hero, this kid was all polished and dolled-up well enough that he could’ve been sparkling porcelain – a much better picture to hang up on the walls and flash around the news that the kid was the hometown hero that Orre needed.

And Wes could only ever have preferred that… it was still him. Not for the stardom, no – God, he could give less of a shit about that – but… because he knew. He knew what it was like to be a bright-eyed kid at eighteen, much more naïve and… susceptible to it all (except, well, Wes was an eighteen-year-old of a far less innocent shade by then), being grabbed up by the masses and swallowed up with their demands; he was the purified liquid fountain that the desert-swept region had never before experienced, and they all rushed at the chance with greedy, dirty hands to scoop up whatever opportunity they could to use him and take what they could from him when they could. It was… exhausting. Physically, mentally; but… Wes knew himself; he could tolerate it all. He wasn’t knocking this kid, nor any ability to take his own lumps – this new Poster Boy #2 and his cocky grin, no – but… he wouldn’t have wished that incessant publicity on anybody, let alone the conflict itself. Wes saw terrors beyond his imagination; he saw torture, beatings, abuse; he was threatened within an inch of his life and beaten himself and scarred – took too many knocks hiding Rui behind himself to defend her so he could take the brunt of it and she could save herself. Despite their idiocy, Cipher and Snagem were… terrifying; they were dangerous and they were brutal and they were real. And that poor kid – that starry-eyed, idealistic kid – had to go at it alone. He had to fend for himself with nobody there beside him; goddamn it, Wes’s heart already lurched for the kid and what he must’ve gone through.

That was why. That was why he still wished to be the Renegade Hero – Orre’s first and Orre’s only; it was… glamorization and it was photoshoots and it was interviews with Ancha just about every other fucking week, but it was a burden, above all, that he never would’ve wished for anyone else to have to hold on their shoulders. And maybe… maybe battling it out with these resurging dumbasses was a way of setting that record straight – that Wes Wagner was fucking back to beat their little resurrection back into Hell where it belonged, and that he would always be there, hunting them down underground or waiting above the surface for them to show up so he could beat them back down again.

And he was not running away this time. Not now. Not ever again.

He’d heard stirrings of a small resurgence brewing up in an abandoned military base out by the north side – past what was known as the Cipher Key Lair through the crags. He packed his team lightly – the old familiar six – keeping only Umo with him. Yes, it was unfamiliar for a region where carrying two is the norm, but he knew Cipher by now and knew them well – no matter how scraped-together their team might be only two years after licking their wounds, they would not be unprepared. He traveled out as far as he could, stocking up on items in the Outskirt Stand – plenty of Pokeballs; plenty of those – until he came past where the wind blew so fast and so heavy, the sand swept across in great waves and gritted across Wes’s forehead and his cheeks, billowing through and leaving the rocks bare and sunbaked and jutting out like jagged horns. It was only a way’s past when they began to form like blunted thorns through their own hedge maze of rock that he began to see what this little military base was all about. And yes – it was… teeming with activity.

Clad in their stark-white outfits – stark-white and purple and blue; so obvious against the drab brown sand even in the dead of night as it was – those Cipher Peons wandered about their makeshift base as lookouts, searchlights beaming down high, high above and cast down for any intruders – like him, for example. He made sure to park his bike a far, far distance from anywhere near that tin building, Umo stealthily padding beside him with his yellow ringlets dimmed down to black. The two were invisible in the night – all but Wes’s skin tone and hair and the slightly-lighter blue color of his jacket, sidling the building beneath a window that he might dare to look inside.

But he found his plans cut short. Within earshot, in the distance, he heard a voice – loud and accusatory and… British, among all things – shouting and approaching with heavy footfalls. “Oi! Cipher! You’re not getting away with it this time!” The voice shouted, and for a moment Wes could only believe it was some poor schmuck trying to play hero, but those fast-paced footsteps only approached faster and faster towards… him of all people – and soon, he was met eye-to-eye with a tuft of fiery red hair just as tenacious as this kid’s spirit, and his bright, attention-seeking yellow jacket, his green eyes blazing and teeth and fists clenched with anger towards… Wes? Wait – no; was he… being serious?

Wes could only look to the kid with bewilderment, his body tensing at the force this kid brought by his conviction alone – and God, he was… still shouting; Wes couldn’t even gather what he was saying past the kid’s accent and past his own shock that the kid honestly thought he was Cipher – that the only thing he could do was… react. His arms shot out and he spun the kid around, pulling his arm flush across the kid’s shoulders and reaching his other hand to cup over his mouth. “Shut up!” He hissed, his voice low, but not without a viper’s bite, “Shut up! Shut up and just listen. I am not part of Cipher. My name is Wes Wagner; I’m the fucker that beat these assholes seven years ago. Now you will do well to shut the hell up before we’re both spotted and get captured because of your loud mouth. I’m not even wearing the right uniform for Christ’s sake – and why in God’s name would I be trying to bust into my own building if I was Cipher, huh?” 

He knew who this kid was right away. The bright green eyes and bright ambition – yeah, it was all still there, just the same as it was on the front page of the news. It was Poster Boy #2 – the Light of Orre – though he was certainly not light on his tone. But, well, light was only one part of the storm – after that always came thunder, loud and booming and without care nor consideration for anybody or anything else. He only hoped that the thunder of this kid’s voice wouldn’t serve to screw them both over now.

The Simpsons: The Lost Season

Tree House of Horror XXIX For their 29th Halloween special the Simpsons family takes on the Horror and Science Fiction classics such as The Big Bang Theory, Hell’s Kitchen, and Fifty Shades of Grey. Snow Money Snow Problems Bart and Grandpa Accidentally sign up both themselves and Santa’s Little Helper in the Iditarod. While the three of them are braving the Alaskan wilderness as well as colorful cast of competing dog sled racers, back in Springfield Homer is brought onto a Hypnotist’s stage show and has a recovered memory of being sexually abused by his mother. A Moe Fashion Love Song Moe’s Tavern gains critical success with the new addition of a Karaoke machine. However this fame is cut short when special guest star; Singer songwriter and standing of president of ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers) Paul Williams threatens to shut them down for unpaid song royalties. Sparking a town hall debate over fair use and intellectual property laws. Meanwhile after taking on a class assignment involving family history and genealogy Millhouse discovers his parents may be cousins. The Sinking Love of Lisa Simpson Lisa becomes infatuated with a passionate young Journalist who is a filming a VICE style expose on  the Nuclear power plant and decides to run away from home and secretly follows him on his trip cover the sinking of the Maldives islands and the UN complacency in offering aid. Lisa The Puppet Master After writing a series of successful speeches for Mayor Quimby’s reelection campaign Lisa is promoted to campaign advisor. However she slowly begins to sell out to constituents and other lobbyists and becomes corrupt with power with Quimby acting as her political puppet. Krust-acolypse NOW Krusty is shot down over Afghanistan while performing in a series of USO shows and videotapes of him being tortured by ISIS insurgents begin to leak onto the internet. Bart and his fellow classmates plead with the US government for the hasty rescue of their beloved idol but their pleas fall onto deaf ears prompting Bart to go on a national campaign to raise awareness of Krusty’s plight and legacy. However Bart soon discovers that Krusty’s kidnapping was a hoax in order to garnish publicity and merchandise sales. Bart by Gaslight While sitting through one of Lisa’s feminist group studies Bart learns about the concept of “Gas lighting”. Intrigued by the idea that you can subtly manipulate someone into thinking their losing their grip on reality he attempts to put the process into effect on Homer. However Homer is well aware of Bart’s tactics and confesses that he’s been doing it to his own father for decades. The two of them band together to see how many people in town they can bend to their will. Marge vs the Internet The family discovers that Bart has been secretly documenting them for years and uploading their daily escapades onto Youtube. At first Marge is excited about the notion of being a modest internet celebrity however she is shocked and appalled at the overwhelming amount of lewd fan art and literature based on her and her family that are floating around the web. After a very vocal cease and desist campaign blows up in her face and creates more of an internet backlash she takes her case to congress and demands that the internet either be heavily regulated or shut down entirely. Rita Hayworth and the Bart-shank redemption In the face of severe punishment Bart agrees to participate in a scared straight reality TV program where juvenile delinquents are to spend a week in a maximum security prison. Confident he can coast by without any problems  Bart is shocked to discover he’s to share a cell with Sideshow Bob, who takes every opportunity to violently berate and humiliate both him and his fellow students. However Bart slowly develops Stockholm Syndrome for Bob and aids him in an elaborate prison escape plan. The cutting edge of Homer In a vain attempt to keep up appearances at work Homer falls in league with Springfield’s technophile crowd and becomes obsessed with getting the latest and greatest Apple I phone, and goes to such lengths as cashing out his savings and camping out in front of the Apple store to get one. However upon purchase Homer is outraged that he got the wrong color and insights a riot. meanwhile Marge and Ned Flanders accidentally go to the wrong church retreat and find themselves being recruited into the Westbouro Baptist church. Springfield History X Bart is blamed for an accident that Homer caused in Herman’s antique and Army surplus store and is forced to work off the debt. While cleaning up, Bart discovers a hidden room containing Herman’s collection of Nazi war relics and is confronted by Herman who paints the fascists in a sympathetic light. Herman continues to manipulate Bart to become the poster child for his neo nazi/ alt right hate group. Things quickly escalate when Bart and his followers plan to sabotage a peaceful college protest and turn it into a full on a race war and it’s up to Homer, Lisa and Grandpa to rescue Bart and show him the error of his bigoted ways. Gumble and Son A clean and Sober Barney Gumble becomes a rehab councilor and takes in a young addict who he has reason to believe may be his estranged son. However before Barney can find out the truth the young man relapses and dies of an overdose. Homer and Barney use what little information they have to go with and embark a humbling cross country road trip in search of closure.   Marge Simpson’s Monday Morning Podcast Marge becomes absorbed in producing a podcast that no one listens to. Homer finally listens to it and is deeply saddened by the realization of how lonely and clinically depressed his wife really is.

Things They Didn't Tell Us at My Fancy High School

I'll admit it, I was blessed to go to one of those super-posh, elite boys' schools where someone with gray hair stands up in chapel and says "Gentlemen, someday you will rule the world." Or something like that. I couldn't entirely hear him over my handheld electronic football game. And mumbled recitations of the Shema. But some people clearly took it seriously. Just in my time there, we had the guy who runs ABC, the Mayor of Los Angeles, the creator of Mad Men. We only had 129 boys in our graduating class and one has already had a studio movie made about his life story. And he wasn't even a serial killer. Did I mention, I went to school in Los Angeles not Central Florida? Though in Central Florida's defense, there was one movie about a murderer from my school. But it starred Judd Nelson, so all in all, we've had a pretty decent homicidal maniac-free run. Our class slogan was "Greatness!' Yes, we had a class slogan. I always thought it should be "Where Smart Boys Go to Feel Stupid." But I can also see where theirs is slightly more aspirational. That said, even I left there with the wholly unearned cockiness of youth, convinced that the adult world would naturally bow before us. The following are some observations of what my adulthood to this point has actually been like. It's the things they didn't teach us (and we may never have left high school if they had.) You will fail at life. Often. Often spectacularly. Sometimes even in Deadline Hollywood with a photo so unflattering you'd think the story was about exotic chin-removing techniques. You will work hard, try your best, and sometimes still get fired. Occasionally, by friends. Sometimes for not having been on Friends. But you will have a Zen approach to being fired and never think about it again. I'm sorry. I meant to say, you will think about it all the time, dream about it more, and even momentarily consider purchasing an online voodoo doll-making kit from the set decorator of Gilligan's Island. Someday, you will start going to more funerals than weddings. This is not long after you'd gotten used to the idea that you were going to more weddings than Taco Tuesdays. You will cry over the notion of your kids leaving not long after they arrive. Then again, when it's actually close. Then again, when watching the end of Toy Story 3. You will always think you are the same age as the cutest girl at Starbucks. At least until she says, "Excuse me, Sir, I think you dropped your banana." You will remember the names of every peripheral character from every Brady Bunch episode and all the '75 Cincinnati Reds, but have no recollection of the name of the person you met with half an hour ago. You may reach a point where you are more concerned with finding your voice or protecting your legacy than making money. While still being acutely aware that neither voice nor legacy pay for juice boxes or a condo in Tarzana. You will never wear your high school letterman's jacket again, except to a 50's costume party. Also, you'll never go to a 50's costume party. There is no moment where you definitively feel "I've made it!" There is no moment where you definitively feel "I'm a grown up." In fact, no matter how old your kids get, you're still always secretly wondering when the real grown ups are going to get there. If not to take over, at least to drop off the handbook. You can have almost no friends in grade school and 25,000 Twitter followers now and both feel roughly the same. Unless you graduated from Trump University, nobody cares where you went to college. Believe me, I try to wedge Brown into sentences that have nothing to do with Brown. Like that. See, you didn't care. Over time, your body will change. You will spend a lot of time trying to get back to your high school weight. You will spend a lot of time trying to get back to Meat Loaf's high school weight. At some point, you may even accept that you probably won't play shirtless frisbee in an Abercrombie ad. Along similar lines, you may find yourself trapped in your own wet suit in a public beach bathroom. You may also momentarily consider blowing a drifter to get you out of said wet suit. The first time. The second time is more common beach courtesy. Right? That's what he told me. Friends will marry people you don't like. Friends will marry people you like too much. Classmates will die way younger than predicted by any actuarial chart or senior page quotes about living forever. The girlfriend you profess eternal love to on your senior page will almost definitely not be your girlfriend by the time you see the proofs of your senior page. Your real soulmate will never be who you thought it was going to be. But unlike all romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks books, the success of your marriage is less a function of how cute you met or the intensity of your passion. And way more a function of whether you remembered to go to Trader Joe's or unload the dishwasher. Your back may someday be so tight you sleep on a heating pad and a gallon of Ben-Gay. And no, you didn't suffer a ski accident. Or even a pickle-jar opening mishap. You'll learn that how people present themselves to the world or on social media isn't always how they feel inside. Often it's the polar opposite. You may learn that, too. Your professional life may feel like high school. But not in the sense that hard work equals good grades equals selective college of your choice. No, more in the cool, popular crowd still gets rewarded for being cool and popular and having nice hair. And for living in the Palisades and vacationing with development execs. Similarly, people who never opened a book in high school will make exponentially more money than you will. Never underestimate the words "family real estate." You may, at some point, suffer from depression, severe depression or Pennant Fever. As important as the names Martha Quinn and Kajagoogoo were in your teen years, the names Lexapro and Xanax will be in your forties. You'll romanticize literally everything that happened before you were 30. You'll stop eating because you're hungry but to blunt the pain of general existence. Or because Baby Ruths make you feel better than carrots. You'll need to learn to talk to girls. Not just at them or about them. You will reach an age where you think women in their fifties are "cute." And an age where your body will suddenly fail you in ways that didn't existed. Like gallstones. And liver failure. And skin so yellow that people think you're Ned Flanders' stunt double. You'll eventually realize that your babies are only babies for an incredibly short time. And that most of the time you know them will be as fellow adults. Some days breaking a half hour sitcom story feels like forever. And everything else literally just flies by. You'll fail more than you succeed. And bouncing back from failure will sneakily be your greatest success. You may knowingly experience pain because it's better to feel the panoply of human emotions than it is to band-aid over them with bong hits and Peanut M & M's. And with any luck, you may someday reach a point where you don't give a shit what anyone thinks about. You'll present yourself to the world as you honestly are without trying to put up a facade of success or well-being. And you'll be okay with that. That, I think, is where true freedom lies. And I can't wait to get there.

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