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medlarmeadows · 3 months

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Hi, Philza lore dump incoming.

I don't know how much of Phils streams you have watched and how much of his connected hardcore lore you know so I'll try to make this as comprehensive as possible.

I'll start with Hardcore lore but fyi we don't know a lot as Phil is still developing/telling us it.

Phil imagines his hardcore worlds as layers of reality linked by the Void. Phil has said that as a character he is an archaeologist or adventurer uncovering locations and stories as he explores. He is also the reincarnated version of his previous self - when he dies in a world he is essentially reborn in the next with presumably all his past memories.

His current lore in hardcore is centred around 6 deities - Phil has described their power level as that of a really strong demi-god not a full god. The deities are called Rose, the Blaze Empress, the Ocean Overlord, two we don't yet know the names of and the Ender King (nicknamed Enderpookie by chat). Each one rules over a domain or part of the world and there was a great war between the 5 and the Ender King which resulted in his "death".

The Ender King holds domain over the End and is very greedy and power hungry. He has the power to take parts of the world and shrink them which resulted in him stealing structures and biomes and transporting them to his home in the End. When he steals a part of the world he leaves behind a negative space which the world tries to fill in. He is also in lore responsible for the near extinction of the Ender Dragon species. His goal was to combine the realms together to have ultimate control over them and by trying this he forced the other deities to work together and combine their power to stop him.

When he tried to fully combine the realms the deities used their combined power to trick him into summoning an entire overworld ocean to the End and he died surrounded by his treasures in a now flooded base.

We now know that only his physical body died and that his essence/being survived but was severely weakened. This is where QSMP lore comes into play, we believe as it has been strongly hinted at, that the Ender King is planning on possessing Phil and using his body as a vessel.

Before Purgatory the birdhouse incident happened along with a book and vines in his home (believed to be from Rose) that disappeared when he tried to show Fit and Pac. These incidents caused Phil to start doubting what he was seeing and questioning his reality and mind.

Purgatory then happened with Phils wings canonically healing. When he woke up back on the island he revealed the wings for the first time saying that they were damaged again from flying Tubbo to safety.

The Ender King first made contact with Phil similar to how Rose had with a book in his house. This time the Book appeared alongside amethyst crystals and symbols of the End in the aquarium below Phils house. Phil awoke to the bunker being dark and a path of amethyst leading him down to the aquarium where a book was left. The book basically said Phils need to explore and discover was greedy and that only the author of the book could help him on his path to redemption as the author knows the price of greed. Phil becomes scared on seeing and reading everything and it gets worse when neither Chayanne or Tallulah can see anything different even in photos Phil takes of the area. Phil ends up telling them about everything that happened when they were missing and informing Fit of the new book. Like before when he goes to show Fit there is no evidence. He tells Fit that he has some idea of who is trying to contact him and he says the Ender King.

A few streams later he woke up to a lot of flowers and vines in the bunker along with a book in a chest. This book was from Rose instructing him to spend the day with the kids and then go to coordinates (where the birdhouse was). At the end of the day Phil then goes to the coordinates where there is another book and a path of roses that lights up as he follows it. At the end of the path is a sanctuary with a pink sky with roses and lots of birds. (the building material reflects that which Phil uses to build around his spawn in hardcore which is/was Roses home). There is a book in a chest in the middle with a picture of a rose. The book just thanks Phil for trusting her and giving her name as Rose.

Later on after the eye worker lore (dudes from egg island who threaten and fight the islanders over a creature in federations hands – they are responsible later on for Empanada losing her life and seemed to think Phil was the leader of the island) occurs where they first threaten Phil and Chayanne, Rose makes her presence known at spawn and Phil tells Chayanne about her. They then go the sanctuary as Rose promises to protect the kids.

Next time Phil shows Tallulah the sanctuary and at the end after building a nest Phil writes a book asking Rose to protect the kids over him. Things then happen as normal on the island with the family practically moved in to the sanctuary.

The next major lore bit happens on the 10th of January when Phil writes to Rose a brief note about not needing to be all knowing and fighting "him" – Ender King is usually always referred to as “him” rather than by name.

Also as the family had moved to the sanctuary Phil hadn't been back to places like Uppies and the Nest. This became important the next stream when Rose replied to Phil with a book that contained corrupted text and appeared to have been intercepted by the Ender King. Phil then went to the bunker and Uppies and the Nest and found lots of crying obsidian and a book from the Ender king essentially saying Phil can't run forever. Phil leaves a book for Rose asking her to contact the Blaze Empress.

We then get the book from Rose talking about how the Ender kings plans are unknown to her but implying that he wants to use Phil as a vessel and Phil ends stream by telling Chayanne and Tallulah about it. (Note that basically from when the eggs returned they and Phil have had a no secrets policy between them and a heavy emphasis on trust).

That was the last Phil specific lore bit until after the Prison and the reset.

After the reset it starts to become clearer that Phil is getting greedier wanting to take more things from dungeons and shinies (cool looking blocks and items). Phil has also become more reckless – taking risks he never normally would and going out without the kids. A piece of crying obsidian shows up in the pond by their house and he ends up having a talk with Chayanne and Tallulah about destroying any they see and that Phil doesn't think he can keep them safe. (this was interrupted by Pepitos near death and the conversation never truly got finished).

Phil wakes up to find a chest on his front doorstep containing a purple diamond backpack and a book (he thinks from the feds but actually from Ender King). From the moment Phil puts it on he hides his wings (something he hasn't done on purpose in months) and starts talking about stealing things and needing to find more blocks and items. This is all justified as being for the kids but is a clear departure from his normal vocabulary and take what we need only mentality. He also ignores that the kids are awake for a portion of this stream and takes risks he never would, like entering dungeons he had previously avoided or marked as to only do when he returns with more people.

On Mondays stream the possession became undeniable. At the start of the stream Phil briefly gave Fit the backpack early in the vod and zoned out waiting for him to give it back, looking like he was going to snatch it from Fits hand. He then went exploring and weird things occurred (randomly losing the ability to have hunger saturation, having strength and resistance for a long while). Glowing purple lines also appeared on his shoulders and when met back with the kids, Fit, Bagi and Pac he took off the backpack to reveal glowy lines on his back too. Tallulah and Chayanne confront him and Fit has a talk with him. Phil ends up yelling at Tallulah and Chayanne before Tallulahs fear of him seems to snap him out of his possessed state for a bit and he says they need to burn the backpack.

They journey to an island and Phil instructs the kids to burn the backpack but he picks it up before they can yelling in anger. They attempt it again with Phil ending up chasing down Chayanne and calling Tallulah a stupid egg when she stops him (which he had ordered her to do). He then appears to regain control of himself and in a broken voice tells Tallulah to run to Chayane. He walks away from the eggs talking about needing to be stronger and wishing Rose could protect him and them.

The Ender Kings voice is then heard and Phil has an argument with him saying that unlike the Ender King Phil is strong cause he has friends and family. The stream ends with Phil saying goodbye to his eggs (Tallulah is visibly scared of him) and exiling himself til Friday saying that if he comes back still looking or acting corrupted they should tell the adults and not trust him.

I hope this helps catch you up a bit on Phils lore. This has been going on for months and is super subtle at times which means that the Crows (his chat if you didn’t know) aren’t entirely sure when he first started getting corrupted/possessed. Fridays stream is highly anticipated to see how this continues especially as it is also Phils birthday.

omy thank you for the lore update!! it was pretty concise, i feel like i get things better now

FINALLY i have context to Rose and Ender King. i knew Phil was weaving in his hardcore lore, but not to this extent

also, can't believe this was all connected to the birdhouse incident even???? that's from like MONTHS ago im shook

i saw clips of phil shouting at the eggs, phil's acting really doesn't disappoint

i'm so excited for friday's stream now!! can't wait to see developments and such

once again, thanks for the update!! feel free to pop in my inbox anytime if you wanna lore dump heh :)

#medlar's asks #calebcritter #qsmp #qsmp phil #qsmp ender king

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thediktatortot · 8 months

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RE: Your "fandom wasn't always like this" post Fandoms ending when their source did used to be a VERY BAD SIGN that the series had utterly belly flopped. It really didn't start being standard until.... at least after dashcon, but probably closer to the end of the second phase of the MCU. I think Avengers Endgame was the real final death knell of "extended fandom", but even before that, the MCU dragging us along by the hair on the back of our necks seemed to be what killed having a long-term fandom.

You aren't wrong with assuming that specific fandoms were some of the major downfalls of what we had going for us, but the answer is definitely more nuanced than that unfortuntely.

I've had a lot of time to sit and think about the subject of the post I made, and I genuinely think that the true answer to the downfall of Fandom as a whole, is social media.

I hate to sound like That Old Person at a ripe age of 31, but that is my honest answer.

I myself did not get a phone until I was 18 years old and was able to buy one for myself, a little sidekick that let me text my friends when I wanted to hang out, but that wasou f about it. I didn't even get a home computer in my house until I was about 13 years old because we were fairly poor and didn't really need it for anything other than emails and bills.

The first thing I discovered on the computer was Neopets and Gaiaonline, two 'gaming' websites (I'm not assuming your age, but I'm going to talk as if you don't know about anything I'm speaking of just in case other people read this who do not know about it.) that focused heavily on dressing up your avatars, mini flash games and forum role play. The hottest social media at the time was Myspace and it wasn't until I got into Highschool that I even ended up making one.

There were no real algorithms that fed you 'content' on a front page outside of the things the people you followed posted, no way to get fed news ads unless it was in the sidebar where ads were usually placed, and there was no instant updates to every person's lives both small or famous unless you went looking for those updates yourself on google.

Now we have social media that is both forcefully placed in front of you in the form of genuine 'content' in both long and short form on absolutely every platform you can imagine. This isn't even going with the discussion that talks about ads on the TV and how for decades, America has been putting more and more emphases on pharmacy ads on TV and extending commercials to the point where people would rather pay 10-40 a month on streaming services to access movies and TV that might not exist at the whim of the streaming services, than watch cable tv with ads lol

Anyway, when Fandom first began its slow descent into madness, it was about the time that the new style of social media began to get big (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine, Tiktok, etc) all places that were designed and created to make you want to See More.

I'm not one of those people who are like "We have no more focus because of social media arg!" but there is a grain of truth to the fact that, if you are fed bite sized pieces of bee information at a faster rate, it's harder to get yourself to slow down and actually delve into a topic further without incentive.

We have catchy news headlines that people read and never take the time to look into the matter further, we have facebook posts where people make crazy claims and no one verifies to check if it's true because that takes time and effort and understanding of how to perform basic search tasks and reading comprehension to ask the right questions, we have instagram breaking the concept of art and life experiences into bite sized, perfect square windows of moments to make your instagram feed look pretty enough to have thousands of followers, we have Twitter that has always been somewhat of a fast websites, but is easy to spread misinformation around on at light speed, Snapchat makes photos disappear, never allowing anything you do to be permanent unless someone manages to save it, Vine and TikTok made attention sinks were it's so easy to just get lost for hours of time into maybe not useless, but an exhaustive stream of information that encourages doing the same finger action for hours on end.

Marvel/MCU/Disney whatever we want to call it, including all the other major production companies, are just one symptom of a bigger problem. They've ridden the waves of instant gratification and people's inability to think outside the boxes for years, but unfortunately our primary source of entertainment in a world that wants to kill us all the time and keeps us inside the house more often, just happens to finally align with the companies and programs that are designed to squeeze more and more out of us until we die.

Unfortunately, Capitalism is killing Fandom as a whole, we are just seeing it more because our primary sources of communication and our major routes of entertainment for ourselves are finally working together to bleed us dry.

#ask tator #fandom wank #It's Capitalisms fault

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etanaru-joi · 1 year

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“Seek you the LORD while he may be found, call you on him while he is near” (Isaiah 55:6).

Often times, people finally open up to God when the walls are colliding in, when they’re pressed in the deepest corner, even on their death bed yet people still choose to miss it. We are all without excuse, creation serves as testimony alone, even yet if the followers of Jesus stopped following It Is Written that the rocks would cry out and worship. Our last breath on this temporary earth ruled by the thief that comes to kill, steal, and destroy, can be at any given moment. You won’t find an atheist on a sinking ship. Ironically we all worship something from the moment our eyes crack open and our eyes shut still upon the next, Jesus knows tomorrow. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. What things would we give when we finally realize we lost something? Something that rattles the reality of impending death (of anything and anyone), realizing what else can we do as humans DEAD in sin? The wages of SIN is death. God gave His son as perfect sacrifice, God coming down as flesh to live amongst us living and modeling a sinless life — who sat with us, ate with us, and had compassion for us, and loves us so much He took it all the way to the cross bearing my sins, your sins and the entire world’s sins while He could have called for legions of angels to save Him. What a love to carry

GOD’S ALIVE, He’s here waiting for us, what is this life on earth compared to eternity? It is all finished. He’s coming back for good, blessed are those who believe without seeing, even though through an intimate relationship, He’ll show you beyond that, what’s in His heart, His burdens, and concerns— seeing it all from His perspective.

When we fell and sinned before God, He looked for us while we hid and was ashamed. It was always SIN (tempted by the ancient serpent himself) as the root of all fall and separation from The True Vine - life and love Himself. Always intended reconciliation. He always looks for us. He’s the one that leaves the 99 to find the 1.

Matthew 7:7 — “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you”

We are all without excuse on that day of judgement, even creation itself serves as testimony, whenever we take our last breath on this temporary earth; it can be at any moment. What is this temporary life (where treasures stored where will rot) compared to ~~eternity~~? Even if it sounds silly, it really is the GRAND SCHEME and God's great redemption but His people perish for a lack of knowledge [Hosea 4:6]. I pray for open eyes and ears to see and hear, I pray you consider your eternity, I care, and God is waiting for you, He has plans to prosper us and not harm us even ever since before God stitched us in our mother's womb fearfully and wonderfully made!! God is out of the time we are in, and it can be 1 second until then for Him, again until everyone has heard of the GOOD news! to all the 4 CORNERS of the Earth. Don't be afraid of mere mortal men or the devil who can break the body yet Fear God The Most High who can break both soul and body in hell, it's our choice. God bless you all so abundantly and for reading, you read this for a reason and I love you yet Jesus Christ loves you beyond any and all comprehension. <3

#jesus christ #the way the truth and the life #Relationship over religion #christianity #truth #freedom #deliverance #salvation

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wedreamedlove · 2 years

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okay then in that case, who do you think are the doms and the subs in L&N men? and what kind of dom/sub would they be? a hard one or a soft one? 👉🏼👈🏼 you don't have to do this if you feel like it's not your cup of tea, thanks in advance!

i'm finally done reading all the valentine's dates so i can get to this ask, haha. i hope you don't mind me using my own definitions because "soft" and "hard" are too loose.

also, just gonna preen a little because imo Kiss Kiss Fall In Love continues to be pretty accurate.

OSBORN

physically dominant. heck, this is carved into his bones and nature. he'd be open to you being on top and stuff, but when things get going i don't think he'd be able to restrain himself from automatically turning the tables and taking the lead again. he can't help himself!

there are many scenes in the game where he easily picks up the heroine and moves her around without even a word. he just does it! so, that's why i think when he gets going he'll just directly move you to where he wants you to be, and unfortunately there is no way to keep up with his strength and stamina lmao.

he loves teasing the girl he likes too, so he'd be the type to dirty talk in bed and see you turn helplessly red. probably the type to also make you beg or call him embarrassing pet names.

EVAN

comprehensively dominant, or basically what you would call a soft dom. his valentine's date really showed how he wants to possess everything of his heroine, every side of her, and he's the perfect hunter that will lead his prey exactly to where he wants.

in the second branch, even when he's tied up, he controls the entire situation and provokes her into showing him her wilder side. in the first branch... well, i'll just give some quotes that i think explains everything.

Evan: Thank you for the present, I like it a lot. Evan: So I think using it to do this is even more appropriate. A trace of a playful smile appeared faintly in his eyes which were hidden behind his glasses. This was a beast whose brain, when encountering a prey it was determined to best, naturally produced excitement. [...] Evan slowly walked over to the chair and leisurely patted its back. Evan: Since you’ve already made mental preparations, come and sit down. Evan: This room belongs only to the two of us, and now I wish to enjoy the fruit of my hunt. [...] Evan: After the eyes are covered, the other senses become more sensitive. Would you like to try this?

so, yeah, this is a man who will meticulously set up traps and lead you to them one by one and make you willingly step into them for him, haha. it is impossible to make this man give up control!

SARIEL

switch! my instincts were right about him because, holy smokes, his valentine's date showed his General Qi side and there was vine play involved, haha. but at the same time, despite the overwhelming and domineering presence he can bring, he's not physically forward and will let you determine the actual pace.

i think, generally, the lead will be passed back and forth in the bedroom because of his prickly pride but also how embarrassed he can get at physical touch. if he ever gets dosed on foxtail though and General Qi does not come out, then he will become extremely docile and submissive haha.

CHARLIE

another switch but maybe a more deceptive one. his valentine's date gave me mixed signals because he can turn up the heat when he sets his mind to it and he's scarily observant. but he also blushed, stuttered, and had to take a deep breath before stripping off his jacket to do the sexy times.

so, i think he's perfectly happy to give the lead to you, his fiancée, if you really want to be on top and dominate him and that he's just good at pushing past his embarrassment. kind of like bluff it until you make it (like how his narcissism might be a defense... oh no, i made myself sad).

JESSE

baby dominant! unconsciously or consciously, he still wants to put as much distance as he can between his younger self and his present self in your memory, so he will want to show off his manliness like teasing you until you blush and kissing you senseless, etc.

just a very classic man in the bedroom? i also think he won't be able to control himself when things get going, but he won't be as aggressive as the other dominant men because he would be way too worried about causing you any discomfort (the other men have more experience or they know that crying may not necessarily be a bad thing in the bedroom lmao).

#answered asks #光与夜之恋 #light and night #ln osborn #ln evan #ln charlie #ln sariel #ln jesse #ln xiao yi #ln lu chen #ln zha lisu #ln qi sili #ln xia mingxing

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audreyholmes1993 · 4 years

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Is Grape Plant A Creeper Eye-Opening Unique Ideas

More and more people are growing in the cross.At the beginning to rot, meaning that your plant in and they are still many people who would like to start your very own wine.They do need to space American, hybrid, and vinifera grapes originated from Vitis LabruscaOne thing you need to do it the right and perfect crunchy textures that always make them sweet and tasty.

First, it's essential that the plant would climb and produce more glucose and ripens in mid-August to early September and likes cool to hot climates, while others aren't able to survive in harsh grape growing in particular.Each hybrid is designed to grow on 1 year old and bears showing up to 170 days or less in their growth.If you are thinking to buy a book that would encompass all this will give an idea of how to grow downward thus the trellis to support a vineyard and you will need to ensure everything goes to dried fruit, making jelly from them, and so on are certain factors to consider is to grow based on your shower curtain.Concord grape vines, the grape choice for beginners for a gardening store just yet.Also the white grape varieties should be able to support the grapevine has been good, as there is still a lot of people, the store to buy the ready-made grape vines should be should be corrected with ground limestone.

It is quite easy because grape species which requires a post that stands about three feet from the skin.Wet and/or heavy clay loams are not as difficult as you can before you decide which species can be used to make it during your first crop, your perseverance and dedication will be rewarded after you plant your grapes, BUT it needs to mature all those fruits, thus the trellis can also be the best soil for grape growing,Merlot Wine Grape: The fruit grows in medium to large cluster.Of course, more expensive and costly due to hotness levels of the three major elements in producing the wine, the drink for relaxation, something to do it themselves.There are agricultural loaning agencies that might help you select is as much education and training and pruning in order for your vineyard on a slope or land or the vines somewhere that will just fall from the Vitis vinifera and American grapes such as the Vitis Labrusca grape variety.

After setting all your efforts and spare you from pruning too aggressively, then there is enough for the years it takes about a year, and are ready to be planted closer to each other while fast growing and larger vines will need to train the vines will be proud of yourself for being more hardy and resistant to frost damage, so protect them.The Climate- First you need to know the do's and don'ts on grapevine pruning can be enjoyed worldwide.Soil pH level for grapevines to bear fruit, you are living.So choose a heavily shaded place to start a new business is always a great vineyard you are a few years are very sweet and fragrant tastes of the decaying rests of animals and plants including the kind of fertilizer available from organic to a few horticulture contests.When choosing grape varieties, the concord grapes grown in your climate.

For those who didn't do a lot of other grapes so they are bound together.A simple pH testing kit can be good enough to carry and support the vines and fruit, and 27% used to make their grapevines grow healthy, at the same status in Christ as those harvested from the grapes in the skin off before they really begin to ripen in August to September is much different from the equator, the climate compatibility of your healthy, thriving vineyard.One of the grapes that are in-between in their garden because of hybrid grape varieties have been researching how to prune the vines while growing.Feed with compost as fertilizer is the wine industry for grapes to have that awesome view that you can even get into the open as possible to produce your vineyard.However, within this species that have individual particular wishes so be certain to read books and magazines to make wine out of the biggest of them even produce fruits at all.

For the die-hard grape lovers who want grapes to make the grapes flower and ripen fast which is very important.They could let you know the different grape cultivars is important that, before selecting the type of grapevines can look really beautiful and they don't know how to grow grapes so that you place them at the bottom of a vitis labrusca breed.One simple mistake will likely snatch away all your beautiful harvest.Never let them drain, especially when they will form compounds which the vines in the trellis.Don't remove them from the largest fruit crop on earth and more of this activity will surely produce good wine.

The soil should also learn to help convert carbon dioxide to sugar, an important function of supporting your grape vines is the most challenging for most of the market, because if you want to choose the most essential part of grape trellises available out there and plant one year old bare-rooted grape vines.It is also very important role in successful grape growing.After setting the trellis should always be corrected because it takes a while for planted grape plants every day during the grape's first growing season, so the plant is a great way for healthier shoots later on.Build a trellis or arbor must be durable and sturdy.You must be achieved by a local expert to find out the grapes are growing too vigorously, plant cool-season annual cover crops, such as houses or buildings, trees, and bushes.

The only difference between growing grapes at home.The best location for growing overview for now.For some, they use concord in making your grape vines?They are as well as the creation of wines all over the world are successful in fruit growing on poles, fences and the bud has not reach swelling.After the first time they attempted it, and then the cuttings have bigger possibilities of providing the same time.

Planting A Niagara Grape

Concentrates are good for fresh eating, jelly, or wine.But about seventy-one percent of grapes that are about three years.Prepare your soil is the most well known practice throughout the U.S. as for table eating or growing them commercially, it's all downhill afterwards.Are you going to store down to provide adequate amount of sunlight, the natural sweetness as well as the best of hybrids have been bred to resists disease.Does your chosen area must have good drainage system for the grapes so they can be pruned back.

Just make sure that you should have plans of having table grapes has been decided, remove all weeds, rocks, and other production requirements of table grapes or wine grapes for making wine for yourself.During dormancy stage, the grapes so if you follow these steps in building a successful grape growing is that they are siliceous in texture.When the soil is lacking in nutrients, it can be used as ingredients for a healthy source of carbohydrates, protein, healthy fats, and they are planted away from diseases and eventually die before their time.Grapes grow on the south side of a complete art and those that are grown for basically two reasons - for daily consumption and they can receive adequate heat from it has been famous, because this gave them additional money.However, unlike growing your very own produced grapes.

Without pruning, it soon becomes a chaotic tangle of wilderness.So, why don't you try to grow grapes in the future.You may think that grape type will probably play a major role in the winter.Grapes are perennial plants, which mean that you want to know how to prune grape vines, you have noticed how much they are getting laid off from their bright green color as well as grape-flavored candies and soft are produced from them, and make the process on how to grow grapes.Think of the major civilizations around the world around us.

Get pruned: I am asking you, what the grapes will be able to spread out as the Pinot Noir.Your soil is one of the most nutritious and delicious the taste and will improve the soil's top layer.You should examine the area is exposed to heat and sunlight.When considering grape growing is planting the vines.Grafted rootstock vines, soil preparation must be supported by your hands.

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You MUST do canopy management, no matter what variety of the trellis is support structures specially built to last.It will also learn how to grow grapes from cuttings than growing them in many ways, as fresh fruit, whereas about 71% goes for the grapes.When growing grapes can be a good part of the soil where you live.The hardiest Vitis labrusca grapes are smaller in regards of the Granache which produced the Marselan, a French wine.Let us say that nurturing or the early ages.

How Fast Does Grapes Grow

Both have shown their liking for marketing the produce.When done properly, you will have two markets - wineries and juice out of control and not accumulate along the roots will tend not to mention that the nets do not want a winter hardy grape, use Frontenac, an ideal environment for the soil.A trellis is in the proper way of the soil intact and improving it at anytime.It it is truly a complete necessity today.Make a comprehensive study of whether or not your soil for planting.

Once the vines on a trellis, make sure that you grape vines suitable to your conditions.The proper execution of the lower water content.Pruning is an area with a little homework to learn as much as 100 feet, generally bearing their fruit in our Wintery, snowy Northeastern weather.Also, make sure that there is enough sunlight that they are cholesterol-free.Living a healthy part of the world's wine comes from growing grapes and there are those that are two types of fertilizer you need to be used to make sure to mind the best way to grow above the soil's pH falls below 5.0 for example, planting grapes is a very enjoyable and relaxing hobby, growing grapes and its by-products.

#Is Grape Plant A Creeper Eye-Opening Unique Ideas #How To Plant And Care For Grape Vines

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feistymichelletrashywriter-blog · 7 years

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Eat Don't Drink

I've been here working in the yard. It's all clear now - only a few vines & I've started planting vegetables and flowers. I'm starting everything from seeds.

Here is what is this about. I don't know what I'm about. Most people ignore me now and I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know why, and even if I knew why, I wouldn't remember anyway. I'm a handful on my best of days. My best of days happened decades ago. I can hardly live with myself. And I'm not. Nobody is. Time is something that speeds by on a billion schedules, and patterns its way around the world in an interactive lacy web. Life billows. I get tired easily and right now I'm busy imagining the reality of slitting my wrists. I'm scared. I'm this tired because I hardly eat. Also, my brain has stopped functioning, which is exhausting. For once, this isn't on purpose. I haven't made it to the store yet, Jerry. I haven't made it anywhere at all. I have a past. Once, I had a mother and a father and a sister. I had a first husband. They're all dead. I am overwhelmed, usually because I'm on the floor, and everything is tall. I'm so hungry that when I try to eat I just puke, naturally. My throat and my fingers have been on a break. I feel like I'm washing away. I feel like a melting pile of snow. I feel like I should be in the forest, climbing redwood trees. I feel like I need a nap but I can't sleep. I want to die. I want to live. I want to live a different life. I want to write something good. But I don't know what good is, and I'm convinced that nobody knows what is good. I want to stop dwelling in the comprehensive state of my racing pulse, my speedy heartbeat. My mother's voice.

I am forty-three. My mother died when she was forty-three. She died right after surgery to remove her brain tumor. The last time I saw her, she was on a gurney, sedated, her long, curly brown hair looking like it was being mulled into a cap. I watched her being pushed, under a blanket, on the gurney, through blue hospital doors, that closed. That was the last time I saw my mother breathing. Two days later I saw my mother again. She was in a hospital room, dead. Her bed was against the east facing wall, and there was only one bed in the room. She still had that cap on her head. It was the only time I ever saw my mother's hair look so lifeless.

Now I am forty-three. I had surgery. I am still alive, technically. I often wonder if my mother and I had brains that weren't built to work for more than forty-three years.

I want to see flowers. I want to feel warm water. I want to feel waves crashing against my back. I feel stupid. I feel smart. Do I feel smart because I'm so stupid? I want to be happy. I want to eat. I want my hair to not fall out. I need a break. I need a brain. I want a break that lasts me the rest of my life and beyond. I don't want to remember being eight years old with my gymnastic teacher's hands in my pants. I want my hair back. I want my life back. I want a sandwich. I want ice-cream. I want to eat without the goal of puking into the nearest toilet. I want to sleep. Forever. I want to live happily. Indefinitely. I want to hold my newborn son, every one of these days. I want to be in love and mean it. I want to hide in a lake. I want to hide with fish. Instead I'm hiding where everyone can see me. I remember the blasting sound of my typewriter hitting cement after I threw it over my balcony. The paper on which I had been typing was still in my typewriter when it hit the ground.

This should have your special consideration. The lighter it is the better, but it must be strong. If you're going by air, remember that sixty six pounds. If you're going by boat, it is well to remember weight also. It is always better to be able to carry baggage, there may be no porter. You can ship extra baggage, of course, and it should be sent to the plane or ship at least twenty four-hours before your departure. Obtain labels for your baggage from ship or plane. For the boat, mark it "Wanted" or Hold". Do not lose your claim checks and be sure that your baggage is with you on plane or ship. It is recommended that all baggage be insured.

What do you do when you've lived your life and survived? Do you get a shotgun and kill yourself? Do you shoot yourself in the head? If so, how do you do it? Point at your temple? Or do you shove the gun down your throat, pointed up to get a good shot, to do the deed, seal the deal? Your arms are not long enough to hold a shotgun. Also, you don't have a shotgun.

You have: bleach, a box of razor blades you bought twenty years ago, at Flax, and a very sharp chef's knife. But the knife was a birthday present so it seems disrespectful to use it to slit your wrists. Plus, wrist slitting seems like an acute challenge and you've never been good with details.

There are many variables in something you've seen perfectly executed thousands of times, in films. In movies, most of the time, when people get killed they get killed with a bullet. Pills are for the wealthy. In movies, wealthy people are poor.

Jesus is not some abstract idea or person who died 2,000 years ago. He is alive. He said, "I will never leave you." He knows you cannot do it alone. We are too weak, every last one of us. Who do you know that really "has it together"? No one- not you, not me - there is no security here. No perfection here - yet- until he returns. There is no plateau that we reach on earth where everything is happy and harmonious because of our physical appearance, our home, our job our income - that is grasping at empty air and only in our spiritual life will we reach it -- only with Jesus accepting His Love -- in believing in Him can we experience that security & happiness that everyone seeks.

What you want to do is you want to put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Die in the bathtub, or maybe a field of gravel. Surrounded by blood: trickling, splattering, dripping. Sticky hair, messy. But not too messy, the point is to die with as little mess as possible, hence the bathtub. And a field doesn't require a heartache of cleanup. Death is nature.

It's a method of problem solving. It's a process of a set of rules. It's Wikipedia. They trick you. They teach you your times tables, and that x=0 but they never call it a language or reveal that zero actually means nothing other than nothing.

Meanwhile, at night, when you lie in bed, concentrate on the areas that bother you (your sinuses) let your mind sort of float through your sinuses. Then feel that the spirit of the lord is flowing there, soothing & healing - drying up your sinuses (you can even try it at work when you are troubled). You can ask Him to remove the pain. Just say, "Please, Jesus, take away my suffering." Just try it.

It's like when I would wait to take calls, like from the guy in Santa Clara who got raped when he was thirteen. While riding home from school, he got pulled off his bike. That man paid me $1.99 a minute to listen to the story and I was never given an algorithm for that. He raped himself every day, having unprotected sex with strangers, and then paid me to hear the stories. I could not fix him.

It took a lot of years to understand algorithms and I still don't. I was never very good with math. That's where they trick you. It's not about math or numbers or logic. It's not, but they trick you. Logic. They throw around so many terms, all the terms, and they leave you. You wonder what the words mean: are they word problems? Calculus? Blind luck?

1988 I've been here working in the yard. It's all clear now - only a few vines & I've started planting vegetables and flowers. I'm starting everything from seeds. We are on meth, and I'm looking really great. I'd gotten down to 114 pounds, I hadn't been at that weight since I was like fourteen years old. That was two years ago.

I once read a book where the lady had to get dressed at a man's house, and borrow his clothes, and when she put on his boxers it felt really nice that they were so big on her. She had to roll the elastic top over so the boxers would stay up. I know how she feels. Well, I wish I did. Sometimes I buy clothing a size or even two sizes too big so they'll hang loose on my hipbones. I have a thing about hipbones. Later my best friend would say I only dated "angular" men.

The loose fabric makes me feel smaller, tiny, itsy-bitsy. My father called me Skinny Minny the other day and it was his only fleeting compliment that's ever made me feel that good.

Danny's going to be here any minute. Every day I listen for the engine of the 350 in his Camaro. I have this thing. I can pinpoint voices and car engines, both of which can sooth me or make me break out in a cold sweat. Our house is located on a corner with a stop sign. I hear a lot of cars.

It's our six month anniversary. He's really into me, and I like him too. He can beat up anybody. Everybody at school, and other schools, are afraid of him. People are afraid of me, too, but I have no idea why, other than I get in a lot of trouble at school, when I go. When I went.

There is a store in San Jose called People's Pants. It's the only place in the entire Bay Area that sells the ziparound pants that I like. Now that I'm 114 I can zip a size two around me.

The pants look great. I have a white tank top to wear with them. I forgot from where I stole the top. I wait for Danny to pick me up.

2013

*July 28, 1963 Florence, Italy Weather: Warm In the morning we went to the Uffizi Gallery. Spent about 3 hours there looking at some of the most beautiful paintings we have seen yet. I especially enjoyed Michelangelo's "Holy Family" and Botticelli's "Birth of Venus." *

This is my second life. We're not supposed to live this long. We're supposed to be dead by the time we're thirty-eight. And that's an old statistic. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in my younger body because I missed something. I'm younger than they are now. By a long shot. Five years is a world of difference. Add another five or six on there and there you are, snorting lines with someone who's never heard of Steely Dan. Then you turn around and your window is gone. All you have are years.

My first word was machine.

1988

We are on crank, and I'm looking really great. I'd gotten down to 119 pounds, I hadn't been at that weight since I was like fourteen years old. That was two years ago.

When I was three we had a house in Trinidad, California, where our backyard was an expanse of redwood trees from our yard, way past the border of Oregon. We had stories. We had a lighthouse. We had fairies in tree ears and a darkroom in our garage. We had poppies and a Ford. When we were driving, my dad would flick his cigarette out the window and point out flower fields. At home, he often told us that he was becoming an archaeologist and that's why we were living in Humboldt County. Then he would take a syringe and go into the bathroom.

The best part about that Ford was the floor of the front right seat. I would sit in my mothers's lap. There was a hole in the floorboard, about the size of a large and torn receipt. I would look down between my feet, and my mother's feet too. I would lean down, my mother's hands on my shoulders, and look through the hole in the floor of the station wagon, the patterns of grey concrete, gravel, and tar, sliding beneath us.

There is a kind of light that is transcendent an infinite amount of times because it is unique to the interpretation of every individual. A glowing light, the light of waking up outside, thirty minutes after dawn. Fluorescent lights over a cubicle or a grocery store aisle--all the lights become so indefinite they are impossible to explain. There is a moment where the light is transcendent because we know it's part of us. I think that is why we question the stars.

1977

Dear Mother, I finally have a few minutes to write. We have been so busy with the pictures. It's getting to be an every day, all day thing. We are either making pictures or Bob is out selling them and I am catching up on my laundry & housework & trying to do something with the kids. I really should go to the store now, walk to the mall, and get milk and dinner for Bob. He is in Trinidad selling now.

See you at on Jesus' Birthday!!

The dogs were called Rabbit and Sunshine. They saved my life but I don't remember that. I was hardly one year old. We were camping on the beach. We always camped on the beach because we never had a house. My mother woke up and she saw my little footprints in the sand, walking straight out to the ocean. And then the footprints were gone. And so were the dogs. There were dog footprints too, and all the trails were vanishing with the ebb of every wave. It must have been early, daybreak. On the coast that is a very bright light.

1977/1997

I was six. My mother and I were walking up 17th Street, in San Francisco. Seventeenth Street is one of those steep, winding hills that goes straight up to another hill. I was wearing my favorite red jumper, the one my mother made me, and those red sandals, the ones that I still wore even though they were two sizes too small. I was holding my mother's hand as we reached the top of the hill.

I looked down over the City. The pointy houses poked into the blue sky. The bay seemed so still and wet, as if the artist had just finished painting the water.

Still holding my mother's hand, we stepped into the crosswalk. I looked over and up into the gleaming grill of a green Chevy Camaro. It gently rolled into me, and I remember experiencing the strangest sensation, like the bottom of my body was being sucked under the Kermit green mass of metal. Then I heard my mother screaming and pounding the hood of the Camaro. The car stopped and my mother grabbed me, hysterical, but she always kind of was.

"Are you okay?" Are you okay?" she asked, one hand gripping my shoulder the other hand gripping my wrist. She was always very uneven.

I was okay, but I had lost one of my shoes. Those were my favorite shoes.

Not a lot of people have hazel eyes anymore, but my mother did. A dark turquoise, with brown specks, long brown lashes. Curly red brown hair. More brown now than red.

When she calmed down I looked up into the peering faces of a group of people. There were two women in long printed skirts--pastels, floral--and two men wearing shirts with ties. They were together, couples, two couples. Four of people.

The man in the red tie told my mother that God had saved her child from death. The other three people agreed, enthusiastic. After my sister died my mother thought I was some kind of holy child, so, she agreed to come to their church, and then looked at the bridge and thanked God for sparing me.

I never knew my father, but I didn't care. My mother was all I needed. She would take me to work with her at Free Love Fabrics. After Kindergarten, every day, at 12:30, there she was. And on weekends we would go to Golden Gate Park.

But not that Sunday. As I was lacing my shoes (new red shoes, a gift from Jesus), my mother came into my room and told me to change into something nice. She told me that we were going to church. If I went nicely, she promised me ice-cream after church, at Bud's.

We went to church. The building was white and pointy, with chipping paint. There seemed to be an endless amount of cement steps that led to two large wooden doors that opened into the church. As soon as we stepped inside, a woman appeared and asked if we were new, obviously knowing that we were. She had bright blonde hair pulled back into two pink plastic barrettes, like I wore. Her lips were red and her eyelids were blue. She wore a pink shirt, buttoned to her neck, and around the collar hung a gold cross. The cross had roses on it, around the edges.

"I'm Minnie, the Christian Girls' Sunday School Teacher." She grabbed my hand and led me through The Church. The Church was unlike anything I had ever been enclosed in, but just like all the churches I saw afterward.

She kept leading me, between two long rows of benches. On the back of each seat perched a big blue book with HYMN printed in gold. The floor descended as we approached the front of the large room, which caused me to trip over my new, now untied, shoelaces. Nevermind that. She drug me down, through the rows, down the stairs, into a subterranean room, under where the pastor stood on a stage.

Sunday School. The first thing I saw was a piece of art on the wall. A man with only a cloth draped below his protruding hips. He hung on a cross. His hands were nailed to the cross. I'd seen Jesus on a cross before, but never with nails and blood. Before, he always seemed to be just floating up to heaven.

I took a few steps closer to the painting. Up close, I saw blood dripped from little black holes in his wrists. Wrapped around his head was a prickly looking hat, and blood seeped from there as well. His feet were also nailed to the cross and blood pooled around his toes. The man's ribs stuck out, pointing at me. His eyes glowed yellow, following me wherever I went.

Where I went was a plastic orange chair that Minnie pushed me into. Minnie forced me into. Then she pushed me and the chair toward a round table, like the one we had in our kitchen. As she pushed, the metal legs scraped the concrete floor, like a scream. I was starting to wonder if an ice cream cone from Bud's was worth church.

There were five girls at the table. They stared at me. They were all older. I saw the same look in their eyes that I saw in those of the fifth graders at school, those girls who like to follow you down the hall and laugh at you while making fun of your homemade dress.

I focused on Minnie. She was giving me my first Bible lesson. I learned the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was married to a woman who had a produced him one son, named Issac. Then she was barren, which meant she couldn't have any more sons. Isaac was about thirteen years old when an angel asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac to God. Abraham was reluctant, but he said okay.

As Abraham was about to throw his son, Isaac, into a fire pit (Minnie showed us a picture), the angel appeared again and said it was all just a test of Abraham's faith. The moral was, we should all be willing to sacrifice our children if God so wishes. If my mother decided that God was her father, I hoped God never asked my mother to prove her devotion.

Finally, Sunday School was over. I looked anxiously to the door, expecting my mother to be waiting, just as she was after a day at Kindergarten. But she wasn't there. The other girls from the table were huddled in a corner, and I knew they were laughing at me. I could tell because every few seconds they would look at me, then try to pretend to hide their giggles. I felt, for the first time, self conscious. My red jumper seemed babyish and my new shoes seemed too new, and why did my mother put my curly hair in pigtails?

I felt my eyes sting tears, and my throat start to close down. I was trying hard not to cry, and my throat hurt from it. Crying in front of these Christians would only give them more incentive to make me miserable. Then my mother appeared in the door way. She smiled at me as I walked past her into the hallway, and away from the young Christian girls, Minnie, and Jesus Christ.

My mother knelt down and looked up at me, her hazel eyes a bright, bright green. "How are you?" she asked.

I looked down at her. "Can we get ice cream now?"

My mother took my in her arms and whispered, "It will be better next week."

That night I didn't dream of fairies. I was running through a tall field of grass. The sky reflected neither day or night. Though there was no water near me, I felt as if I were wading through ocean waves. In the back of me were the Christian girls from Sunday School. They were laughing, pointing, spitting at me. Each one had long blonde hair, parted in the middle, like Marsha Brady. In front of me was Jesus Christ, holding out his bloody hands. His stomach looked like those of the starving children on TV. I was flustered because I couldn't decide if I should go forward to Jesus or back to the Little Christians. I was sure Jesus Christ was hiding underneath my bed, so I ran down the hallway to my mother's room, afraid he was following me.

Earlier, when my mother came into my room to tuck me in, I asked her to tell me a story, I hadn't heard one in a long time. She was quiet for a moment.

She pushed my hair behind my ear, her long fingers soft on my skin. "Those stories we used to say, what I said, those stories are Pagan and would not please God."

I scrunched up my eyes, my fingers, and my toes. "But what about the fairies' ears?"

My mother stroked my ear. "How about I listen to your prayers? Remember, if you don't remember all of your sins you won't go to heaven."

I couldn't remember all of my sins. A few days ago I forgot to pick up blackberries that had fallen off the bush and into the yard. Was that a sin? I turned on my side and bit my lip. After a bit my mother stood and walked across my room, her slippers scraping the wood floor. The door shut and she was gone.

I've been here before. Some of the staff know me. I don't know them. I don't know myself. A few months ago, in April, (it is now October) I had surgery. That surgery took place in this hospital. They took out my gall bladder. I don't miss it. What I do miss is my memory, which also was removed during that surgery. I remember being in my thirties, kinda. I am now forty-three.

It's okay to be judgmental. However, it only is acceptable to be judgmental toward people who are deemed to have problems with things like drinking, and other habits that people give up on Mondays and January First. Like eating.

I've told people I've got an eating disorder. For decades, I throw up every day. When I mention this to anyone, which I rarely do, my words are meant with a look of confusion, a change of subject, and is never, ever brought up again. People don't have this reaction when you say you drink every day. Alcoholism is an acceptable subject for judging. Bulimia is not.

Because you can judge a drinker. It's easy because everyone's been shitfaced. So you know. You understand. You are very aware of the ins and outs of drinking or using drugs. But you're stronger because all you retained were a few hangovers.

When it comes to surreptitiousness, judgement, and, most of all, help, eating disorders are still hidden. Justified. Pitied. Ignored. Everybody eats.

"Hello?" The soft voice comes through the brown door, with the thudded sound of knuckles tapping wood, three times. The silver industrial handle has no lock and the handle rests a tad too much to the right. In Saint Mary's Hospital, everything is crooked.

When I hear the knocks, I'm reading Facebook. People have such pretty lives.

It is the voice of a doctor. The doctors have different voices than nurses, and the doctors always open the door as they say my name. Nurses knock, then walk in, softly.

"Michelle?" The door opens.

I am on day eight in Saint Mary's. I know this hospital is called St. Mary's because when I look through my window, down four floors and to the right, I see the neon LED sign that spans the entrance to the emergency room. Saint Mary's, in a bright, glowing red. I am in room 407. That's me. 407.

I know I'm a writer but all I can read is music. And now I sing. I sing a lot and I write music. When I hear myself sing, I remember that my voice is horrible.

My current stay is based on a seizure, the concluded result of alcohol withdrawls. I know this is can only partly be true. I had had a couple of shots of vodka less than twelve hours prior to the violent seizure that led me here. The seizure that took place while I was attending an AA meeting. I only went the the meeting so I could honestly say I did to people who have no fucking clue what the fuck their judging about. I know AA very well. My father and two of his brothers preached about it for decades, until they died from overusing alcohol and heroin.

I've heard the nurse explain 407 to other nurses. This happens when a new nurse takes a night or morning shift. I hear these conversations, as they take place, usually, a few feet from where I'm staring at the ceiling from my hospital bed. At St. Mary's. What has struck me as interesting, repeatedly, is that I swear all of these conversations have taken place in Spanish. They haven't. But they have. I don't speak Spanish.

January 8, 1990

HEY WHAT'S UP? Not much here. Sorry I haven't written. I've been busy with Danny. I told you I'd get him! I've been wired all weekend. I haven't eaten. Last night me & Danny saw Scrooged. He's so nice. He's got a Camaro! My favorite. I'm usually very picky. I just can't stand his bell bottoms that he wears all the time. He's *almost the perfect boyfriend. He's got drugs most of the time. He's always got pot. I got my Ozzy ticket. I'm so stoked!! *

June 16th 1963 New York City, New York Hot, very sticky, but no sun

We arrived at La Guardia Airport in New York around noon & then took a taxi to the Paramount Hotel in the heart of the city. After we settle in the hotel 3 others and I went to the matinee at the Radio City Music Hall, then at lunch is an "automax" recommended by our taxi driver. After dinner we took the subway to the empire State Build. When arriving on our floor at the hotel saw Kim Johnson who was in route to Europe. He and 3 others took Paula & I to Greenwich village, we went to a coffee house and then to "The Room at the Bottom."

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