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#when my mental started acting up
azurexsnake · 11 months
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Me, kicking my feet: I love my friends so much 🥰
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uncanny-tranny · 9 months
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I think more people ought to accept the idea that mobility aids do not always look like they're specifically "for disabled people." An aid is, at the core, something that helps to empower disabled people to live more comfortably, more easily, more pain-less/pain-free, maintain quality of life, or anything else.
A disability aid might not be obvious to you. It might even seem silly to call some things "disability aids," but that doesn't change the fact that they are helping that person live more comfortably and freely. Not every disabled person will have aids that are "not standard," but for the disabled people who do have non-standard aids, we ought to treat them well and include them in spaces. We can accommodate a vast array of disabled people, and the effort to include them is worth the time it takes.
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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calamitydaze · 2 months
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
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#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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insanityisfine · 21 days
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Lowkey pissed at how erectyle dysfunction has become commonly known across several languages as "impotence".
Like.
I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating and alarming and worrying, especially if it happens to someone younger. I'm not trying to minimize that.
But do you know what impotence feels like?
It's despair, it's understanding why Sysyphus' punishement was insanely cruel well beyond physical fatigue.
It's seeing someone you love suffer and knowing there's literally nothing you can do to help, not even hold or confort them, because they're in so much pain there's no possible relief. There's no meds you can buy that haven't already been bought, there's no appointments you can make that you haven't made already.
You have done something, hell, you've done all you possibly could. And it still changed nothing. All you have left to do is wait. And it kills you. Ever. So. Slowly.
That's impotence.
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rustbeltbabey · 2 days
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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.
#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them#would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me#i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like#i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone#im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a#fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and#that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early#in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming#to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about#howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking#stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it#even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i#probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like#i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽
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linagram · 4 months
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[ 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚒𝚗 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚜: 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝟷 ]
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(i hope the image isn't too eystrain-y AAAAAAAAA)
wooooooo i'm finally done with these
okay basically these voice dramas are about what happened to the prisoners three days before their crimes and they're supposed to reveal more about their life, what kind of people they are and all of that stuff. they will be separated into two parts bc the voice dramas are pretty short, so this part includes akio, aimi, shun, naomi and kei and the next one will include eiko, asahi, yurika, riku and reina.
warnings: a mention of bullying and an implication of a child being seriously injured in aimi's vd, shun is being a stalker, a description of physical and emotional abuse in naomi's vd, mentions of torture and homophobia in kei's vd (there's also some implications of the latter in akio's vd, but like, if you squint really hard)
[ Akio's Confession ]
(the sound of a school bell ringing)
(the voices of other students can be heard in the background)
Akio: *sighs*
Akio: *thinking* "This class was way too easy.. All classes were too easy so far, honestly."
Akio: *thinking* "Though that's just something I have to deal with as a genius that I am, haha.."
Akio: *thinking* "It's just.. I thought that an elite school like this would be more interesting."
Akio:*thinking* "But when I look at my classmates.. Yeah, I can see why the teachers would go easy on them. How did they even get- Oh, right, probably because they're rich and all."
Akio: *thinking* ".. My parents have worked so hard so that I could attend this school and now I'm complaining.."
Akio: Hm...
(sounds of someone's footsteps getting faster and faster)
Arata: Akioooooo!~
Akio: *screams*
Akio: W-what are you-
Arata: Come on, you promised that we'll have lunch together! 
Arata: Come on, get up, get up!
Akio: C-can you-
Akio: *whispering* Can you.. you know.. be quieter? This is embarrassing, everyone is staring at us.
Arata: *whispering* I know, I'm acting like this on purpose.
Akio: Wha-
Arata: Okayyyy, let's go, let's go!~
Akio: I-I haven't even brought anything with me-
Arata: It's okay, as your boyf-
Arata: Uh.. 
Arata: *clears throat* Ahem, as your best friend, I have prepared something very special for you myself!
Arata: Now let's go!
(sounds of footsteps)
Female classmate: These two are.. really close, aren't they?
Akio: I still can't believe that out of all the hobbies you could have, your hobby is.. cooking.
Arata: What, I don't look like a perfect housewife? You're breaking my heart..
Akio: Ugh..
Akio: C-can't you just act.. you know.. normal?
Arata: Nope. Now say "Ahhh~"
Akio: I am not a child-
Akio: !
Arata: See? Tastes good, doesn't it?
Akio: B-but again, everyone is staring at us..
Arata: And? They're just jealous.
Arata: You know, you look so plain, but you've got someone like me as your boyfriend! You're so lucky!
Akio: Plain?..
Arata: U-uh, I find that cute about you.
Arata: Also, you stole the "most popular guy" title from me! You're so cool!
Akio: We both know you weren't popular because of your looks or intelligence or anything.
Arata: Haha, yeah, being the son of the headmaster kinda makes you popular by default..
Arata: But like, not for a good reason.
Akio: You're still creepy though, obviously they would find you intimidating.
Akio: And you also have a lot of power in this place, so..
Arata: Y-you think I'm creepy?!
Akio: Yes.
Arata: So cold!.. But that's what I like about you!
Akio: Also, about me stealing your title and all..
Akio: .. That title also was stolen from me recently.
Arata: Huh? By who?
Arata: .. Oh.
Arata: You're talking about that guy, right?
Akio: *nods*
Arata: Well, he joined us only a few months ago and he also used to be homeschooled. I think it's his first time actually going to school?
Akio: Yeah, because of his health problems.
Arata: Of course a guy like him would get everyone's attention.
Arata: They just feel sorry for him. Don't worry about it too much~
Arata: I mean, have you seen his grades? A guy like him won't survive in this place.
Akio: Should I remind you about your own grades?
Arata: Ahaha.. At least I have you~
Akio: You're not dating me just because I can do your homework for you, right?
Arata: Well, that's one of the reasons why I like you, but..
Akio: I'm breaking up with you.
Arata: No, no, wait!
Arata: Also, Akio, aren't you dating me because I can make you look good in the eyes of the headmaster?
Akio: ...
Arata: He likes you a lot! He said that our school really needed a student like you. 
Akio: ...
Arata: You really are a genius, Akio. I'm sure you'll become famous in the future.
Akio: .. B-but I want to be famous now.
Arata: And you will! I can just make everyone here bow down to you if you want. 
Arata: Both figuratively and literally.
Akio: .. I hate him, Arata. I hate him so much.
Arata: I know. 
Akio: Sometimes I wish I just could-
Akio: ...
Akio: Never mind.
Arata: Hm? What is it?
Akio: I said, never mind!
Arata: Come on, say it, say it!
Akio: Shut up already-
Arata: Say it, Akio.
Akio: ...
Akio: .. Wouldn't it be nice if he just..
Akio: You know..
Akio: .. Died?
Arata: ...
Arata: Haha..
Arata: Ahahahahahahaha!
(sounds of Arata laughing and falling on the ground)
Akio: .. Yeah, I can't just ask you to act normal again, can I?
Arata: S-sorry, sorry.. 
Arata: It's just.. I've been waiting for you to say it.
Akio: Huh?
Arata: I don't know, something about you hating him so much to the point of wanting him dead..
Arata: It's just so exciting, you know?
Akio: .. There must be something wrong with you.
Arata: With you too. That's why we're perfect for each other!
Arata: So, how do you want him to die?
Akio: Arata, for God's sake, can you just not talk about murder while we're having lunch and there are other people around?
Arata: Nope, talking about murder is fun.
Arata: Also, you still have some food left. Open your mouth.
Akio: Why would you find talking-
Arata: Anyway, we should head back to class, the break is going to end soon.
Akio: R-right..
(sounds of footsteps)
???: Ah! Akio-kun, Arata-kun!
Akio: ...
Arata: There he is.
???: I've been looking for you two everywhere! I just thought it'd be nice to have a lunch together, haha..
???: B-but it looks like you two are already going back to class.. I'm so slow, haha..
Akio: .. I thought I told you not to call us that.
???: What?
Akio: We're not your friends. Why did you even think we'll agree to spend even the moment of our precious time with you?
???: U-uh..
Akio: Seriously, this is why you always have no choice but to eat alone. You're so stupid-
Arata: Now, now, calm down, Akio. 
Arata: Please forgive him, he's not in a good mood today.
???: Really? Why? Did something happen, Akio-kun? C-can I help-
Akio: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
???: ...
Arata: ...
Akio: *breathing heavily* We're not.. friends, Kitami.
Akio: I don't even want to hear you say my name. 
Akio: Don't stand in my way. Arata, we're leaving.
Chise: ...
Chise: .. Hey.. 
Chise: That's not very nice of you, Akio-kun..
Chise: You know I've worked really hard on this, right?
Akio: D-do you think I care?
Chise: Judging from the way you stutter, I think you do.
Akio: ...
Akio: (to Arata) W-why are you still standing here?! I told you we're leaving!
(sounds of Akio and Arata leaving)
Arata: The guy looked like he was about to cry. Are you proud of yourself?
Arata: Not judging you, by the way.
Akio: ...
Arata: Hey, are you listening-
Akio: Why?
Akio: Why does he want to be friends with me?
Akio: He just wants to annoy me, doesn't he? He's just jealous of me and he's trying to make me angry on purpose so that I'll end up yelling at him and ruin my reputation because he's everyone's favorite right now?
Akio: Why do people even like him?! He's so pathetic, so weak, so dumb, so..
Arata: Hey, calm down. 
Akio: ...
Arata: You're better than him. Remember that.
Akio: I KNOW THAT, IDIOT! I JUST WANT OTHERS TO REMEMBER THAT TOO!
Arata: Well, I know for a fact that you're better than him. You're better than everyone here~
Arata: .. Hm? What's wrong?
Akio: .. Ahaha..
Akio: He really doesn't know his place, does he?
Akio: So annoying..
Arata: ...
Akio: Hey, can you help me out with something?
Arata: ...
Akio: Come on, I know you like me.
Arata: .. Haha, so now you're accepting the fact that we're a couple.
Akio: Oh, I was just acting shy. 
Arata: So.. Do you want to.. 
Arata: You know.. 
Akio: I just want to teach him a lesson. Nothing more than that. I'm strict, but I'm not evil. 
Arata: ... Oh. 
Arata: Well, our school's lucky to have a king like you. 
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[ Aimi's Confession ]
(The door opens)
Aimi: I'm back! 
Aimi: ... 
Aimi: Hey? Is anybody here? 
Aimi: ... 
Aimi: "Haha.. It's like I have no choice but to be alone.."
Aimi: "Just what did I do to deserve this-" 
???: Oh, there you are! 
Aimi:"Great. Out of all people, it had to be him."
Aimi: Nii-san!
(sounds of Aimi and her brother hugging)
Aimi's brother: Sorry, I was wearing earphones and didn't hear you.
Aimi's brother: If you're wondering where mom and dad are, they went to check on the park, they've heard it's been doing.. not so good.
Aimi: Really? What happened? 
Aimi's brother: One of the rides suddenly stopped working and two kids fell off. One of them is fine, thankfully, but the other one ended up in the hospital. 
Aimi: Oh.. 
Aimi's brother: Also, Yori is walking Maru and Mochi right now, just so you know. 
Aimi: Oh, right, I got scared for a second, haha.. 
Aimi: By the way, why are you wearing an apron? 
Aimi's brother: Oh, Fumiri wasn't feeling well, so I offered to cook today. 
Aimi: You can cook? 
Aimi's brother: Okay, rude. 
Aimi's brother: You're not gonna eat then?
Aimi: No, I will! I'm okay with whatever Nii-san decides to make~
Aimi's brother: I'm almost done, so you don't have to wait long. Go wash your hands.
Aimi: Oh, right! I forgot, haha.. 
Aimi: I didn't know you were this good at cooking. It's shocking, really. 
Aimi's brother: *laughs* Why are you so mean to me today? Did you have a bad day at school?
Aimi: ...
Aimi's brother: Oh.. 
Aimi's brother: Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to-
Aimi: N-no, it's okay, it's okay! It's just..
Aimi: It's.. Um.. 
Aimi: M-my classmates.. 
Aimi's brother: ... 
Aimi's brother: *sighs* What did they do this time?
Aimi: Well, um.. 
Aimi: Haha.. 
Aimi: Emi-chan said that I'm too violent and because of that others tend to avoid me.. 
Aimi: And.. She said she thinks I'm.. 
Aimi: Scary, haha.. 
Aimi's brother: ... 
Aimi: Am I scary, Nii-san? 
Aimi: Am I violent? 
Aimi: I always try to be kind to everyone I meet! I would never want to scare anyone or hurt them! 
Aimi: I'm not violent! I'm really not! 
Aimi's brother: I know. I know. 
Aimi's brother: Why do you think she called you that? 
Aimi: I don't know!
Aimi: I don't want to say that she.. 
Aimi: Uh.. 
Aimi's brother: You don't want to suspect her, right? 
Aimi's brother: You don't want to believe that she had bad intentions, right? 
Aimi: ... 
Aimi: W-why would she? 
Aimi: I mean, she's not evil or anything.. 
Aimi's brother: Well, maybe she's jealous. 
Aimi's brother: Maybe she's jealous of your wealth or your looks. 
Aimi's brother: Maybe she wanted to provoke you and make you act "violent" in public. 
Aimi's brother: You know, like that time with Sao.
Aimi: I-I didn't hit her on purpose, I swear! 
Aimi's brother: Of course, I know that. 
Aimi's brother: But that's just how the world works. If somebody doesn't like you, it doesn't mean that they will be straightforward about it. Maybe they will just try to make it look like it's your fault for making them hate you.
Aimi's brother: It's not their fault for being mean to you. It's your fault for getting angry. That's how their thought process goes.
Aimi: BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! 
Aimi: I JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH THEM! 
Aimi: Would they like me more if I wasn't so rich? Would they like me more if I wasn't so pretty? 
Aimi: I always was so nice to them! I bought them so many gifts, I always offered my help when needed..
Aimi: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS! BUT THAT'S NOT HOW FRIENDS ACT! 
Aimi: ... 
Aimi's brother: Aimi, dear, I understand you. I understand your feelings so well. 
Aimi's brother: This world is full of evil people. You're one of the few people who stay kind no matter what. 
Aimi's brother: And most people prefer to just ignore all the evil others do.. 
Aimi's brother: But I don't agree with that. Honestly, I think people like that don't deserve to live. 
Aimi: .. "Don't deserve to live"?
Aimi: So what you're saying is.. 
Aimi: ... 
Aimi's brother: Just trust me, okay? You can always rely on me. 
Aimi: B-but then.. 
Aimi's brother: I'll go wash the dishes. How about you play with Maru and Mochi when they come back? 
Aimi: Nii-san, you're not going to.. 
Aimi:Do anything to my classmates, right? 
(sounds of Aimi's brother washing the dishes) 
Aimi: Ugh, he can't hear me.. 
(sounds of dogs barking in the background)
Aimi: Oh, is that-
Aimi: They're back! I'll go greet them, hehe~
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[ Shun's Confession ]
Shun: I see. Thank you, this helps a lot.
Old woman's voice: You're welcome. To be honest, I did have my suspicions about that boy..
Old woman's voice: But you seem really nice. I'm sure she still misses you.
Shun: Ahaha.. Thank you so much. I hope so too.
Shun: Have a nice day.
(sounds of footsteps)
Shun: ...
Shun: *sighs loudly*
Shun: God, that was so scary..
Shun: Ugh, socializing shouldn't be this hard..
Shun: But at least I've learned more about her..
Shun: .. Shouldn't I have known that already if she was my girlfriend?..
Shun: N-never mind.
Shun: Okay, let me just go through my notes-
Shun: !
Shun: I-I almost dropped my phone..
Shun: Okay, so.. 
Shun: Inaba Hina, 21 year old. A university student, psychology major, also has a part-time job as a babysitter.
Shun: So she's good with kids, huh.. Haha, they're going to love her.
Shun: Was born on August 28th, lives alone, but regularly picks her little brother up from school since her parents can't do that because of their job and his school is very close to her apartment.
Shun: Come to think of it..
Shun: R-right! She's supposed to pick him up soon!
Shun: I have the address written down, hold on..
Shun: That's it, I'm finally going to meet her!..
Shun: "Okay, I'm finally here.."
Shun: "Huh.. It looks like her brother isn't here yet.."
Shun: "I guess I'll have to wait."
Shun: "Oh, maybe I should try to become friends with her little brother too? If I show her how good I am at taking care of kids, I'm sure she will fall in love with me again!"
Shun: Ehehe.. This plan is definitely going to work..
Shun: I should just wait until her brother-
Shun: Oh, isn't that..
Shun: "Okay, just act normal."
Shun: Hello there. Sorry for asking, but you're Inaba Renji, aren't you?
Renji: .. Um..
Shun: I know this may sound weird, but I'm your sister's.. friend and-
Renji: W-why do you know my name?
Shun: Your sister told me! She loves you a lot and she told me that you're a very good kid so I thought-
Renji: .. And what's your name?
Shun: O-oh, uh..
Shun: I-it's Ishizu Shun. You've probably heard it before.
Renji: Nope. Never heard a name like that.
Shun: ...
Shun: "S-she.. Never told her brother about me.."
Renji: Hey. I don't know what your deal is and I don't know anything about your relationship with my sister, but like..
Renji: C-can you.. leave me alone?
Shun: Oh, uh, s-she asked me to pick you up from school since she's too busy today!
Renji: ...
Shun: ...
Renji: Dude. That's like.. What all child kidnappers say. 
Shun: What?! No, no, you got it all wrong! I swear, I really am her friend-
Renji: I am going to scream if you don't leave me alone.
Shun: But-
Renji: *takes a breath*
Shun: Okay, fine, fine!
(sounds of Shun running away)
Shun: *breathing heavily*
Shun: That.. did not go well..
Shun: .. So she.. never told her brother about me..
Shun: .. Did she even love me?
Shun: And if not.. Why did she even date me?
Shun: I'm not that attractive and I'm not that smart..
(sound of a phone notification)
Shun: Hm? What's that?
Shun: O-oh, right, I forgot about Merurin's stream!
Shun: At least I have her to comfort me..
Shun: Did I bring my earphones with me-
???: Here you are!
Shun: *screams*
???: I've been looking for you everywhere!
???: Did you even read my messages?
???: Or did you forget as always?
Shun: .. I-I forgot.
???: *sighs* You have work today, you remember that?
Shun: .. I forgot.
???: Why are you like this..
???: Let's go. We're gonna be late, but honestly, I don't really care.
Shun: ...
???: Don't look at me like that. I'm not doing this because we're friends or anything.
Shun: O-oh, right. Sorry..
???: Hey, what were you watching anyway-
A voice from Shun's phone: Hewwo, my adorable little kittens! How are you all doing today? 
Shun: ...
???: ...
A voice from Shun's phone: Aw, I wish I could just give you all loooooots of headpats!~
???: .. You know what, I think you'll be fine without my help.
???: See you at work. 
Shun: W-wait!
Shun: ...
Shun: ".. Fine. I'm going to see Hina soon anyway."
Shun: "Or actually.."
Shun: .. Ehehe..
Shun: "Maybe I should invite her new boyfriend instead?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Naomi's Confession ]
(sounds of children laughing and running around can be heard in the background)
Naomi: Okay, okay, everybody, sit down~ We can't have a tea party while you all are running and jumping like this, right?
Naomi's students: Okay, Chiba-sensei!
(sounds of children sitting down)
Naomi: Great! Now, I didn't forget about anyone, right? Everyone has tea to drink and snacks to eat-
Female student A: Chiba-sensei! Natsu ate my cookies while I wasn't looking!
Naomi: (to Natsu) Really? Did you do that?
Natsu: .. *nods*
Naomi: Come on, that's not a good thing to do. If you wanted some, you could have just asked me. 
Natsu: .. S-sorry..
Naomi: Here, you can take these. But please apologize to Rimi-chan, okay? 
Natsu: (to Rimi) U-um.. I-I'm sorry.. They just looked really good..
Rimi: Hm.. Fine, I forgive you! But never do that again!
Natsu: I-I promise!
Naomi: *laughs* Here, Rimi-chan, I still have some for you left.
Rimi: Yay! You're the best, Chiba-sensei!
Female student B: Chiba-sensei, why other teachers are so boring and strict compared to you?
Female student B: You're so nice!
Male student A: Yeah! You're like a friend to us, but like, a friend that's much older than us!
Naomi: Haha, are you saying that I'm old?
Female student C: Ugh, boys are so rude..
Naomi: Well, um.. I don't know, I just.. I don't want you to see my classes as something.. bad, I guess?
Naomi: I don't want you to be afraid of me or hate me.
Naomi: And also, I try to treat you all with respect, because that's what you all deserve, even if you all are much younger than me.
Naomi's students: Whoa..
Female student D: Chiba-sensei is so cool!
Female student B: How can anyone hate her-
???: .. Ahem.
???: So what you're saying is that you don't want people to see you in a bad way? 
???: You're afraid of people hating you, right? Even if those people are just kids?
Naomi: ...
Female student C: Way to kill the mood.. 
Naomi: Haha.. Come on, Tao-kun, you know that's not true-
Naomi: A-and even if it is true, what's so bad about it? Nobody wants to be hated-
Tao: Yeah, but you're an adult.
Tao: And you're still trying to please everyone and never say no to anyone.
Tao: I don't think it's because you're so kind, but because you're just too scared of being hated.
Tao: Do you really like us? Or do you like us because it's easy to manipulate us and make us think you're the nicest person in the world?
Naomi: ...
Male student B: What's your problem, Tao?! 
Female student C: That's why nobody likes you.
Female student B: Chiba-sensei is nice to us because she loves us. Simple as that. 
Tao: You are not her kids! We're just her students. There's no reason for her to love us.
Female student C: Well, she loves us more than your parents love you, that's for sure.
Tao: !
Tao: Shut up-
(the door opens)
???: Chiba-san? Someone wants to see you.
Naomi: .. O-oh. S-sure, I'll be right there.
Naomi: *stands up* Please wait for me, okay? Don't eat everything without me~
Naomi's students: Okay!~
(sounds of Naomi's footsteps)
Naomi: *thinking* "But who could have possibly wanted to see me-"
Naomi: ...
Naomi: .. Mom?
Naomi's mother: Well hello there.
Naomi's mother: What's with the kids laughing and screaming? I thought you were supposed to have classes today.
Naomi: U-um, we planned to have a tea party today, since everyone's been doing so well lately and we also finished working early, s-so..
Naomi: I just thought it would be nice to reward them with something, you know?
Naomi's mother:Is that a cookie crumb on your cheek?
Naomi: .. Oh. S-sorry.
Naomi's mother: You're so unprofessional..
Naomi: M-mom, I am a 30 year old teacher. Stop visiting me like this. It's embarrassing.
Naomi's mother: You're a bigger embarassment. I have no choice but to check how you're doing.
Naomi's mother: Seriously, you act more like a child than your students.
Naomi: ...
Naomi: B-but they seem to love me-
Naomi's mother: They don't see you as a teacher, Naomi. They see you as another child. You're a friend to them, not a teacher. You won't be able to become a good role model for them.
Naomi: I-I just want them to feel safe, since most of them come from.. families with all sorts of problems.
Naomi's mother: Nobody can be safe with you around. I literally keep visiting you exactly because of that.
Naomi: ...
Naomi's mother: Don't look at me like that. 
Naomi: Please, just.. leave. My students can hear us.
Naomi's mother: And what exactly are you so afraid of? It's your fault for being like this.
Naomi's mother: If you wanted to become a teacher to make me proud, then at least act like one.
Naomi: I-I'm trying..
Naomi: But someone keeps distracting me from doing my job-
(a sound of Naomi being slapped)
Naomi: ...
Naomi's mother: Don't you ever blame me for doing this.
Naomi's mother: I'm doing this for your sake. You have left me no other choice.
Naomi: .. Someone could see you doing this to me, you know.
Naomi's mother: Oh, so now you're blackmailing me. Seriously, you should be more grateful.
Naomi's mother: You don't have to "worry" about me. With my reputation, people would never think I'm in the wrong for doing this.
Naomi's mother: .. They never did.
Naomi's mother: Now, go back to work.
Naomi: .. You really just came to traumatize me again? The hell is wrong with you?
Naomi's mother: .. We'll discuss the way you talk to your own mother later.
Naomi: I am not a child-
Naomi's mother: Again, I have no choice but to treat you like one. 
Naomi's mother: Now, go and play with the kids your age.
(sounds of Naomi's mother's footsteps becoming quieter)
Naomi: ...
Rimi: Chiba-sensei..
Naomi: Ah!
Naomi: Rimi-chan.. what are you doing here?
Naomi: D-did you see-
Rimi: *nods*
Naomi: ...
Naomi: I'm so sorry. That was.. not a teacher-like thing to do-
Naomi: !
Rimi: .. W-when I told you about my parents, you hugged me. You hugged me, even though I was so loud and annoying and couldn't stop crying..
Rimi: S-so, um.. I-I thought that maybe this can help you feel better too.
Naomi: ...
Naomi: C-come on, an adult should be comforting a child, not the other way around..
Naomi: Let's go back, okay? I'm sure everyone is waiting for us.
Naomi: ".. I just hope Tao didn't see this."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Kei's Confession ]
(a woman's screaming can be heard in the background)
Kei: Shh, it's okay, it's okay~
Kei: Can you smile for me, please?
Kei: Or, actually, never mind, your expression is already perfect. 
Kei: Anddddd we're done!~
Kei's boss: Seriously, you're enjoying this way too much.
Kei: I just love my job a lot, is that bad?
Kei's boss: Well, your job is to take photos of people in the worst conditions imaginable. Most people wouldn't really like this job, unless they've got some screws loose.
Kei: Haha, come on, you know that with a father like mine, I'm used to this.
Kei's boss: True..
Kei: Also, I'm sure this cutie over here has already fallen in love with me-
(the woman's screaming gets louder)
Kei: .. Maybe not.
Kei's boss: Anyway, just take the money and leave. 
Kei: Oh, you know I'm not doing this for the money-
Kei's boss: Ahem.
Kei: Got it, got it. 
Kei: (to the woman) See you later, sweetie! Uh.. If you survive, that is.
(the door opens)
Kei: Ruka, I'm home!~
Kei: Ruka?..
Kei: "Where could he be?"
Kei: "Nothing happened to him while I was gone, right?.."
Kei: !
Kei: RUKA!
Kei: "What if they've done something to him while I was-"
Kei: Huh?..
Ruka: Oh, you're home.
Kei: .. What are you doing?
Ruka: I'm taking a bath. I thought it was obvious.
Kei: .. While fully clothed?
Ruka: Of course. I remember doing so even when I was alive.
Kei: .. O-okay.
Kei: *breathes out* I was so scared..
Ruka: Why?
Ruka: I won't drown or anything. And I won't try to kill myself. I'm already dead anyway-
Kei: I know, I know! It's just..
Kei: Well, uh.. You remember what happened.
Ruka: .. Oh.
Ruka: You can come here, if you want.
Kei: Again, while fully clothed?
Ruka: What's your issue with clothes? Do it, coward.
Kei:*laughs* Fine, fine.
(sounds of Kei getting into the bathtub)
Kei: This feels so weird.
Ruka: Hearing that from a guy like you sounds weirder.
Kei: .. Am I really that weird, Ruka?
Ruka: Yeah.
Kei: But why?
Ruka: Every single thing about you is weird.
Kei: Well, name one then!
Ruka: You're sitting in a bathtub with me right now and we both have our clothes on.
Kei: .. That was all part of your plan?!
Ruka: Yep.
Kei: .. *laughs* Then you're just as weird as me.
Ruka: Probably. I'm dead anyway, might as well do whatever I want.
Kei: .. Maybe it would be nice to die, actually-
Kei: No, no, what am I saying, haha..
Ruka: Nope, you have to live.
Kei: Huh? Why?
Ruka: Uh..
Ruka: 'Cause you have a job and I don't?.. And well, we still need money, so..
Kei: *laughs* How do you just.. Let things like this come out of your mouth?
Ruka: Maybe that's because of your influence.
Kei: .. Ruka, you love me, right?
Ruka: Dunno.
Kei: Meanie.
Kei: .. I don't want to leave this house anymore. 
Kei: Everyone is too mean.
Kei: They're too mean to us.
Ruka: Listen, your friends' reaction was understandable-
Kei: It was not! They were so rude!
Kei: I probably should have expected it, they were always saying weird things about guys who like guys..
Ruka: *sighs* It's not because of me being a guy.
Ruka: Actually, I'm not even sure if I'm one-
Kei: You are one. At least, uh.. physically. Your gender is up to you to figure out though.
Ruka: Sure, whatever. Anyway, that's not because they acted like that.
Kei: THEN WHY?!
Kei: Ugh, the water is so cold..
Ruka: You just noticed?
Kei: They were so mean...
Ruka: .. Are you going to cry?
Kei: Shut up.
Kei: I wish I could prove to them that my way of showing love is normal..
Ruka: I doubt you can do that.
Kei: .. I think I have an idea.
Ruka: He has an idea. Great.
Kei: They always said things like "Kei, come on, you're going to steal our girlfriends at this point!" or "Seriously, our girlfriends are going to fall in love with you, if you keep at it!"
Kei: I think that's because they knew that their girls would gladly choose me over them.
Kei: So.. Why not invite them here? I can give them as much love as they want from me~
Ruka: Oh no, I'm feeling so jealous..
Kei: You sound more emotionless than ever.
Ruka: Anyway, I'm against this.
Kei: Why?!
Ruka: You should just forget about your friends. Seriously. 
Ruka: Do you even see them as friends?
Kei: Um.. Not really..
Kei: But..
Kei: If I want to appear "less weird", I need to have friends..
Ruka: .. Hey. 
Ruka: .. Have you ever had friends? You know.. before them?
Kei: .. I think I had one.
Kei: But I don't really remember him that well..
Kei: H-he probably left me or something, haha..
Kei: .. Hey, the water is way too cold. I'm getting out.
Ruka: You're not actually going to invite them to our house, right?
(sounds of Kei getting out of the bathtub)
Kei: Why not? I can treat those girls better than their boyfriends.
Ruka: Kei, I don't have a good feeling about this.
Kei: Aw, so you really are jealous!
Ruka: .. You already have me. You don't have to try and get those guys' trust back or whatever.
Kei: ...
Kei: I don't like the way wet clothes feel. I'll go change.
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rosicheeks · 2 months
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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paradife-loft · 3 months
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"I guess maybe some people just have a weird relationship with fear," says Gerard Keay.
......*delicate cough* :')
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whysamwhy123 · 4 months
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Julia really misted Daniel, huh...
...Well. Shit. I guess I have to write that Dead Dove fic now... 😬
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indigo · 9 months
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living with other people really fucking sucks sometimes
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lem-argentum · 5 months
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i’ve been so focused on art n life stuff that time keeps going by ridiculously fast hfkdnfh <33 hello world today was good yesterday was good :D <3
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every day i inch closer and closer to writing the ybc fic,,, every time i listen to miss missing you i am crushed by a wave of Thoughts,,,,, after ttid i will no longer have to hold myself back istg-
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bonetrousledbones · 2 years
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anyone wanna powerwash my brain for me real quick pls. like just full blast
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queer-crusader · 1 year
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Nothing brings me closer to the edge of "huh maybe I do have a touch of the autism" than shopping
#anne speaks#as in i fucking DESPISE it unless it's specifically catered to me#i need to be warned about it in advance. i need to know what time we're going. ideally i need to know what time we're done#i have to mentally prepare myself and dedicate a specific amount of energy for the act in advance#and so help me gods if i bring my mum i will full on rage quit within two hours#she's one for 'oh this piece of clothing might be good for you' then holds up the least me thing in the world#or goes all 'uhh i dont know...' concerned if it either shows too much cleavage or is not neat and feminine enough#and then on top of that is like#okay but that costs money so how about we go to an extra store that you werent prepared for to see if they have the same thing but cheaper#you CANNOT add to my mental list of what im expecting im running FAST out of my prepped energy and i WILL start snapping at u#she asked what i would like for my bday and i was like 'well okay i do wanna refresh my wardrobe a little'#she asked what im thinking of style wise but like a) how do i say mum you cant buy me clothes without me feeling like a silicon valley wife#and b) how do i say 'i want butch i want gender i want playful i miss my theatre days i want artist i want boho'#anyway. i have now been convinced to go shopping with my sister who is a lot more tolerable bc she's young and hip and less scared to play#but im still like 'okay what time? okay give me a second to think if i want to go? i need to mentally adjust'#and my mum kept saying 'oh you can go then and after youll come back together' THATS NOT A TIME MOTHER#i need to know! when im going!! so i know how much time i have to mentally prepare#anyway. this is my essay on why shopping makes me autistic#there is Very Little that does this to me. usually i embrace chaos#but oh man. yeah no thanks#anyway fingers crossed everyone that i come back from town looking artsy and gender
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Words cannot express how much I love the Gloucester brothers from King Lear
#ramblings of a lunatic#i am so mentally ill about sibling relationships in art#I REWATCHED ACT 5 W MY MOM FOR REVISION REASONS AND IT MADE ME INSANE ABOUT THEM AGAIN#on my third rewatch I've basically developed a new like. realisation? theory? that edgar is being set up as the true king from the start#and now I'm really invested in him as a character (along w edmund)#the fucking. bit where edgar says that the gods in this play are just (one of the biggest topics of debate in my class all year)-#-its just that the people in this play have brought their misfortune on themselves via their own hamartias#and that's why his father ended up blinded#metaphorically and literally#THE FACT HE'S SAYING THIS TO EDMUND AFTER HAVING BEEN BETRAYED BY HIM AND THEN FIGHTING HIM#IT'S A FUCKING OLIVE BRANCH!!! HE SAYS THAT THEIR DAD FUCKED UP!!! NO MATTER HOW MUCH EDGAR LOVED GLOUCESTER HE SEES THAT!!!!#HE SEES THAT BECAUSE BC OF EDMUND'S DECEPTION GLOUCESTER ENDED UP TREATING EDGAR LIKE HE TREATED EDMUND#WITH CONTEMPT AND SUSPICION AND A LACK OF FATHERLY LOVE#EDGAR DOESN'T FORGIVE HIS BROTHER BUT HE UNDERSTANDS HIM NOW#AND ONLY THEN DOES EDMUND REALIZE HE WAS LOVED!!!! YES BY THE WOMEN HE MANIPULATED AND PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER#BUT ALSO BY HIS FUCKING BROTHER HE BETRAYED!!!#at the start of act 5 he'd began to pretend that he was a Right Honourable Gentleman#when in act 1 his attitude seemed more like he'd accepted societys label of him as Less Than and said ''if you treat me like a villain-#-bc of things i can't control then i will BE a villain to get what i want''#he seems to try and distance himself from his origin in act 5 right as he's about to win it all#BUT HE GOES BACK TO ACCEPTING THE AWFUL THINGS HE'S DONE AFTER EDGAR ACKNOWLEDGES WHY#IT DOESN'T MAKE THINGS BETTER BETWEEN THEM. THEU STILL STABBED EACH OTHER#BUT IT'S CATHARTIC#AUGHHHUG#<- this is just my personal reading and I'm just a highschool student trying to blorbo-ify an old ass play to cope with exam stress#feel free to disagree. just remember that i am small
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