I think mistakes are some of the most important things you can do in life, and I dislike heavily how they are thought of as inherently bad or something you shouldn't do.

180 Flip

Okay folks, are you ready for a long one? *insert inappropriate joke here*

But no really this may be long. So as of the last time I blogged, I was fed up. I was at one of the lowest points I’ve ever been in my life, experiencing challenges I didn’t know how to mentally deal with although I felt I handled it as well as I could. I was literally a day away from having a friend lend me money to book my flight home to California, and then there was a decision about whether to stay in California or go back to Ohio which was weighing heavily on me for a good week with sleepless nights, migraines, and everything in between.

 I met up with Eta, my friend I met at the barista course, and one of her friends for drinks when I told them about my plans to go home. Both of them, without even knowing me for very long, began searching for jobs, sending me links and phone numbers for gigs and offered to become my housemates. We laughed, sang, talked, and read birth charts over a bottle of wine, and upon leaving, I asked the bartender if they were by chance hiring (they were, and I took an hour tram ride the next day to talk to the manager for approximately 2 minutes and she never called back, but the sheer notion that my mind switched back into a state of hope, thinking “I’m going to give this one more shot”… this was the best thing that could have happened). I also messaged one of the numbers Eta had sent me for a café gig, but my expectations weren’t high. I handed out my resume to another three or four cafes, lit some incense, candles, and said a little prayer to the universe that if I was meant to stay here in Australia, it needed to show me in the next three days or I was really done and going home.

            I talked with my host about how I was feeling because I couldn’t be bothered to do any housework for at least four days, and I broke down crying not knowing what else I could possibly do; I had tried and failed here. He told me that I had to stop listening to the voices in my head telling me this was the way my situation was. I told him about a mantra I had been trying to repeat to myself every day: I am not a product of my circumstances, I am product of my decisions and actions. He also told me that this was all temporary and I had to remember that nothing can stay bad forever. Lastly, he told me to think about exactly what I wanted (this was in terms of work, but I implemented it into a general life view/what I wanted out of my time here).

            I went to sleep at 8pm and woke up at 10am the next day. This was the day I decided to stop being sad. I thought about my best friend Skyla after her breakup with the guy she was with before she met her husband. She told me that she felt so low and worthless, but then she started to do things for herself that he used to do for her and began doing things on her own—she fell in love with herself and learned about who she was. I knew this was my time for that exact same thing. I had been trying to work on and love myself whilst here, but it wasn’t quite working-- if anything I felt worse. I was always being a critic of myself as opposed to learning to love exactly who I am-- stretch marks, acne, my addiction to pastries and espresso martinis, impulsive behaviors and all. Out of all the issues with money and work and housing… loneliness has been the major killer. I guess I use other people as a way to avoid all the things I don’t like about myself, but how can I possibly expect them to like me if I don’t like me? You all know I’ve been in relationships the past seven consecutive years and before that was in on and off long term relationships for four years. This whole being on my own thing is verrryyy foreign to me. If my last fling here hadn’t ended, I don’t think I would’ve realized how attaching myself to someone makes me lose the opportunity to enjoy my own company, and come to terms with the fact that I am enough for myself and anyone I choose to be with.

            So back to my revelation morning; my mind was still on the notion that I may be leaving the following week, so I wanted to see everything I could in Melbourne and surrounding areas before I left. I planned to adventure to the Victoria and Albert Museum in the city (which p.s. IS IN LONDON, and I mixed up a conversation I had with a cute British boy back when I was there). Once I realized I could not go to London, I hopped off at Melbourne Central which I had never been to before. I got lost trying to find my way out, venturing deeper into retail stores and arcades I never knew existed. I came across a stand called Grandma Funk, and the most GORGEOUS pair of hiking/travel boots I had ever seen. I no longer wanted to find a way out of the station, and I gravitated over to the stand, picked up the boots and read their size…. You can guess. Yep, they were my size and the only pair because this place was a second hand vintage shop selling items that essentially had never been used. The shop attendant saw the starry look in my eyes and said “these boots will take you around the world”. Well shit. It was in this moment that I thought “I can’t take these home with me, I don’t have room in my bag. If I choose to buy these boots, I vow to travel Australia and continue traveling in them.” I haggled the price down a bit, and I was off with a new pair of boots and a completely new direction in life than 20 minutes prior.

I began walking… I didn’t really know where to but just walked down some side alley streets. I came across a board with pamphlets for Spanish classes which Eta and I had discussed practicing together since we may be in Spain at the same time (I’ll get to that bit later). I took a pamphlet. I walked by some tables set up with flyers for a protest against Trump the next day. Grabbed one of those and talked with the people running it. I explored an exhibit in the Victoria Library about the history of one of their famous radio stations, and thought about how my Dad would love to see this. Next to the inside bookstore, I saw some flyers for open air cinemas around town and a Latin Festival happening that week. Stuffed them in my bag. I was staying, and I was making sure of it by whatever means of conviction necessary whether it be that I couldn’t miss the protest, or I HAD to see Lion at the MCG laying on the field. I eventually came to a park and sat for 40 minutes before I had to take a class for my RSA certificate or responsible service of alcohol which you have to have to work at a restaurant that serves any alcohol (which I bought on impulse when I decided to stay 5 days earlier and then changed my mind seventeen times). I thought about how much I’ve come to sincerely love this city with all of its incredible quirks, people, nightlife, scenery, art, etc. I had been a little sad earlier that morning thinking I was exploring the city so I could say goodbye to it. By the evening I was happy, and that’s how I knew it was the right decision.

I worked my waitress job Friday night and was so exhausted mentally and physically from my day that I ditched my plans for the Latin Festival, but made plans the following evening with some people from a Facebook group I joined. There was also a pub crawl happening beginning at a hostel around 8pm so I figured I’d go to that, have a drink, then head over to meet my group at 10pm like we planned. Life never goes as planned.

 I played giant Jenga, the gin and tonics were $3, and a cute guy said it was a crime that I was sitting, alone so I joined his group. We ended up doing the entire pub crawl together with his friends, and went to a Latin dance club. I got to dance after all! We also went to this creepy ass bar down some sketchy graffiti alley that ended up being a 1940’s hospital theme, with grey cement walls, sterile white lighting, syringes in the drinks, and even a hospital bed in the bathroom! Definitely need to figure out where the hell I went because I’m still not sure. Anyway, the conversation flowed so easily with this guy and more importantly for my self-esteem, he reminded me that I’m a helluva catch. I really needed to be shown that after feeling like absolute garbage thinking I couldn’t do anything right or be the right person for anyone. Not sure what will really come from this if anything, but plans for this weekend are brewing…

I got home around 5am after the kind gentleman accompanied me on my hour tram ride home from the city. I had work at noon so that sucked, but I had to power through because the St. Kilda Festival was happening! Not only this, but I received a call from that number I had texted about the café position for a trial on Tuesday (basically show him I know how to make a latte). Not only THAT, but I managed all of tables on my own at my restaurant without any mistakes for the first time! After work I headed down to the beach, listened to some bands, ate delicious truck food, and bought some hippy bracelets for a few bucks. I met up with Eta and also ran into the group of people I spent New Years with at the Tanglewood Festival. By the end of the day, I was feeling pretty damn good, but really f””king tired since I had 4 hours of sleep.

Oh you thought the blog would end there? No no. You love my writing. You want MORE. In my previous fragile state, I had made plans to see the Great Ocean Road before I went home to CA. It was with a guy I met on the Facebook group and two other girls were supposed to come but bailed last minute. This worked out though because we were able to talk about all of our travels, what we went to school for, shared music, and played Shape of You by Ed Sheeran on repeat while admiring the stunning coast of southern Australia. It was cold, windy, and rainy but it made the day even more memorable when the sun finally appeared as we reached the 12 Apostles. We bantered like we had been old friends and it was really nice to just enjoy the company of a fellow traveler without any kind of sexual tension or expectations honestly. He left for Sydney the next day, and now we have this awesome memory/story that we will share with other people.

On Tuesday I went to my trial, was immediately offered the job/asked to start work the next day, got a text from my MCG barista job that the Gun and Roses concert was tomorrow night so I’d be working it, AND I picked up an extra shift at the waitress job. All the monies! I knew I needed to move down to the city as quickly as possible because there was no way in hell I was making the hour tram ride every day this week between 3 jobs. Leaving my workaway was bittersweet, and I absolutely hate goodbyes. But I couldn’t have asked for a more understanding, supportive, generous, and all around good human being to be a part of my life and welcome me into his despite all of the hardships we endured during our time together. My time there will always be looked upon fondly for years to come.

I decided I wanted to be in a hostel to meet more people and get the travel vibe back in my life. I want to remember that I’m not just here to work and be stressed like I would be at home. My new job is a lot of work for very little pay, but I’m so lucky to have it right when I needed it most and I’m doing something I love in the best ranked city IN THE WORLD. I’m happier not only because everything worked itself out with a complete 180 flip in a matter of a week, but I can visibly see how I’ve grown from all of this craziness we call life. I’ve finally began to enjoy my own company, visiting museums, doing bike rides to local beaches, lounging in park hammocks and eating gelato whenever the hell I feel like it without anyone to judge me.

OH YES. And to top it ALL off, I had almost given up on the idea of working for Stoke Travel because I hadn’t heard back from them in a while. They finally did contact me for the final step in the hiring process, and also threw in that I should submit my photos to be in the running for their travel photographer position this summer which would be an absolute dream. This is why I said I wanted to take up Spanish with Eta since a lot of the festivals they set up at are in Spain  ;) I don’t know where I’ll be in the next couple months or what awesomeness may surprise me, but I trust the universe knows what it’s doing. I never thought I’d get here, but here I am. And here you are, a champion for reading through allllll of that. Thanks, you’re a legend for putting up with me.