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trinuviel · 5 years

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Was the Stark Ancestral Sword Ice the Original “Lightbringer”?

In a recent interview Nikolaj Coster-Waldau hinted that there might be a deeper meaning to the fact that Jaime Lannister and Brienne Tarth wields Valyrian steel swords made from the Stark ancestral sword Ice.

(The HuffPost)

Ice was a great sword of Valyrian steel that has belonged to House Stark for times immemorial. We see Ned Stark wield it in his capacity as Warden of the North in the very first episode of season 1 and he is decapitated by his own blade in episode 9 of the same season.

In season 4, Tywin Lannister ordered Ice melted down and reforged into two new swords meant for his son Jaime and his grand-son Joffrey Baratheon - so that House Lannister could once again have Valyrian steel (House Lannister lost their Valyrian sword Brightroar in when King Tommen II sailed to the ruins of Valyria).

That was a rather painful moment for fans of House Stark - seeing a symbol of their House appropriated by their enemies. Ice was made into two new swords. Joffrey named his sword Widow’s Wail (because he’s a little shit) but Jaime gave his sword to Brienne of Tarth who named it Oathkeeper.

There’s a beautiful sort of poetic justice to the fact that the remnants of Ned Stark’s sword are going to be wielded in defense of Winterfell and Ned Stark’s children. However, NWC’s words seems to hint that the deeper meaning of these two swords goes beyond the emotional resonance of this. In fact, his words reawakened a theory that has been puttering about at the back of my head for a while: What if Ice was the magical sword of the Lightbringer myth? It may sound like a bit of a reach - and maybe it is - but I have several reasons for thinking that Ice may in fact have been the original Lightbringer.

JAIME’S DREAM

According to the Jade Compendium, Lightbringer burned fiery hot when wielded in battle - it was, in short, a burning sword. Burning swords appear multiple times in ASoIaF as I’ve elaborated on in this essay. One of these times is during a dream that Jaime has in ASoS. When an injured Jaime is being escorted back to King’s Landing, he has a vivid dream whilst sleeping with his head on the stump of a Weirwood tree. In this dream, Jaime wields a burning sword:

“I gave you a sword,” Lord Tywin said. It was at his feet. Jaime groped under the water until his hand closed upon the hilt. Nothing can hurt me so long as I have a sword. As he raised the sword a finger of pale flame flickered at the point and crept up along the edge, stopping a hand’s breath from the hilt. The fire took on the color of the steel itself so it burned with a silvery-blue light, and the gloom pulled back. (ASoS, IV)

Brienne appears in his dream and she, too, is given a sword that takes flame:

Brienne’s sword took flame as well, burning silvery blue. The darkness retreated a little more. […] Brienne moved her longsword back and forth, watching the silvery flames shift and shimmer. Beneath her feet, a reflection of the burning blade shone on the surface of the flat black water. (ASoS, Jaime IV)

What is especially noteworthy here, is the fact that the two swords burn with a silver-blue fire!

This is a significant detail since the prophecy of Azor Ahai come again calls Lightbringer not only a burning sword but the Red Sword of Heroes!

"In ancient books of Asshai it is written that there will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him." - Melisandre (ACoK, Davos I)

I’ve previously argued (here and here) that the prophecy of Azor Ahai may not be what Melisandre and the audience think it is. It is very possible that GRRM will subject this part of the story to a epic Prophecy Twist - and that the prophecy is not the promise of a saviour but rather a warning.

Now let’s get back to Jaime’s dream. In this context, this dream may foreshadow both he and Brienne will wield Valyrian swords in the Great War - but the fact that the swords burn silver-blue sets them apart from the prophecy of AA coem again. Jaime has this dream before he returns to King’s Landing where Tywin gives him one of the two Valyrian swords that he had made out of Ice, the ancestral sword of House Stark.

Jaime gives this sword to Brienne when he sends her on her mission to find and protect Sansa Stark. He asks her to fullfill the oath he gave to Catelyn Stark and that is why Brienne names her sword Oathkeeper.

The second sword made from Ice was given to Joffrey who named it Widow’s Wail. It is unclear what happened to this sword after Joffrey’s death but it is assumed that it is kept in trust for Tommen until he grows older. Will Jaime eventually wield Widow’s Wail? I find this quite possible given this dream - and since Jaime does indeed wield Widow’s Wail in seasons 7 and 8, the show might just have spoiled this particular plot point.

However, Jaime’s dream might also hint that the two Valyrian swords made from Ice are special in a more magical sense. They burn like Azor Ahai’s magical sword Lightbringer burned, according to the myths and legends. Yet they burn with silver-blue fire as opposed to the red flames of the prophecy of AA come again. Thus, through this dream imagery, the remnants of Ice are connected to Lightbringer on the level of associative logic.

THE LAST HERO

The myth of Azor Ahai and the legend of Lightbringer are stories that have come out of Asshai, on the far end of the world. So could Ice actually be Lightbringer? This is where we have to take a look at the figure of the Last Hero, which is the character who is credited with leading the defense against the Others in Northern lore. The story of the Last Hero goes like this:

How the Long Night came to an end is a matter of legend, as all such matters of the distant past have become. In the North, they tell of a last hero who sought out the intercession of the children of the forest, his companions abandoning him or dying one by one as they faced ravenous giants, cold servants, and the Others themselves. Alone he finally reached the children, despite the efforts of the white walkers, and all the tales agree this was a turning point. Thanks to the children, the first men of the Night’s Watch banded together and were able to fight—and win—the Battle for the Dawn: the last battle that broke the endless winter and sent the Others fleeing to the icy north. Now, six thousand years later (or eight thousand as True History puts forward), the Wall made to defend the realms of men is still manned by the sworn brothers of the Night’s Watch, and neither the Others nor the children have been seen in many centuries.(TWoIaF, Ancient History: The Long Night)

(The Last Hero. Art by Roman Papsuev)

Who was the Last Hero? No one really knows but I’ve argued that you can make a case that the Last Hero was none other than Brandon the Builder, the legendary founder of House Stark, the architect of Winterfell and the Wall as well as the Hightower in Oldtown and Storm’s End, the ancestral seat of House Baratheon. Why do I think that the Last Hero was Brandon the Builder? It was this snippet of text in The World of Ice and Fire, the companion book to the series, that lead to my identification of the Last Hero with Brandon the Builder:

Maester Childer’s Winter’s Kings, or the Legends and Lineages of the Starks of Winterfell contains a part of a ballad alleged to tell of the time Brandon the Builder sought the aid of the children while raising the Wall. He was taken to a secret place to meet with them, but could not at first understand their speech, which was described as sounding like the song of stones in a brook, or the wind through leaves, or the rain upon the water. (tWoIaF)

In the myths of the North, the Last Hero sought the secret cities of the Children of the Forest - and now this piece of information from Maester Childer’s book Winter’s Kings or the Legends and Lineages of the Starks of Winterfell places Brandon the Builder in those self-same hidden cities. That is too much of a coincidence in my humble opinion.

If the Last Hero was indeed Brandon the Builder, founder of House Stark, then how does Ice come into the equation? Interestingly, in ADwD the text reveals another intriguing piece of information:

I found one account of the Long Night that spoke of the last hero slaying Others with a blade of dragonsteel. Supposedly they could not stand against it.” “Dragonsteel?” The term was new to Jon. “Valyrian steel?” (ADwD, Jon II)

Thus, the text hints that the last hero wielded a sword of Valyrian steel and that a weapon of this material could slay a White Walker. This is something that the show confirmed in season 5 when Jon Snow killed a WW with Longclaw, which is made from Valyrian steel.

The question now is this: How did the Last Hero/Brandon the Builder get a Valyrian steel sword before the rise of Old Valyria (the rise of Valyria and the Dragonlords is generally placed after the Long Night in the historical chronology of GRRM’s world). Furthermore, if Ice was the original Lightbringer, then what is the connection between the legend of Lightbringer and Valyrian steel swords?

THE MYTH OF LIGHTBRINGER AS AN ALLEGORY

I have previously written about how the legend of Lightbringer works as a subversion of the trope of the Magic Sword on a meta-textual level. Many readers fail to realize that magic swords already exists in Westeros!

GRRM has specified that Valyrian swords require magic for the forging, which means that every single sword made of Valyrian steel is, in fact, a magic sword!

However, he doesn’t specify what kind of magic is required to make Valyrian steel. Some fans have speculated that dragonfire was necessary to forge Valyrian steel and while I understand the reasoning it doesn’t strike me as particularly practical in its application. Instead, I think that there’s a clue hidden in the companion book in the section on the Free City of Qohor because the smiths of this Essosi city still know the secret to rework Valyrian steel:

The properties of Valyrian steel are well-known, and are the result of both folding iron many times to balance and remove impurities, and the use of spells—or at least arts we do not know—to give unnatural strength to the resulting steel. Those arts are now lost, though the smiths of Qohor claim to still know magics for reworking Valyrian steel without losing its strength or unsurpassed ability to hold an edge. (TWoIaF, Ancient History: Valyria’s Children)

It is a secret jealously guarded:

Maester Pol’s treatise on Qohorik metalworking, written during several years of residence in the Free City, reveals just how jealously the secrets are guarded: He was thrice publicly whipped and cast out from the city for making too many inquiries. The final time, his hand was also removed following the allegation that he stole a Valyrian steel blade. According to Pol, the true reason for his final exile was his discovery of blood sacrifices—including the killing of slaves as young as infants—which the Qohorik smiths used in their efforts to produce a steel to equal that of the Freehold. (TWoIaF, The Free Cities: Qohor)

This is an interesting story though it should be taken with a grain of salt, especially since Ice was reforged in King’s Landing by Tobho Mott:

Tobho had learned to work Valyrian steel at the forges of Qohor as a boy. Only a man who knew the spells could take old weapons and forge them anew. (AGoT, Eddard IV)

Mott, however, used magic when he reforged the ancestral Stark great sword Ice into two new Valyrian swords for House Lannister :

But Valyrian steel is stubborn. These old swords remember, it is said, and they do not change easily. I worked half a hundred spells and brightened the red time and time again, but always the color would darken, as if the blade was drinking the sun from it.(Tobho Mott to Tyrion Lannister, ASoS, Tyrion IV)

Whilst Mott was trained in Qohor, I seriously doubt that he could get away with killing someone unnoticed. However, it is possible that some kind of blood magic is involved in reworking Valyrian steel. Blood magic doesn’t have to involve murder as Melisandre demonstrates with the use of blood fattened leeches.

This brings us back to the myth of Lightbringer, which is the story of how Azor Ahai forges a sword in the holy fires of a temple and then quences it in the heart’s blood of his faithful wife Nissa Nissa:

A hundred days and a hundred nights he labored on the third blade and as it glowed white hot in the sacred fires, he summoned his wife. ‘Nissa Nissa,’ he said to her, for that was her name, ‘bare your breast, and know that I love you best of all that is in this world. She did this thing, why I cannot say, and Azor Ahai thrust the smoking sword through her living heart. It is said that her cry of anguish and ecstasy left a crack across the face of the moon, but her blood and her soul and her strength and her courage all went into the steel. Such is the tale of the forging of Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes.” - Salladhor Saan to Davos Seaworth (ACoK, Davos I)

(Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa. The Forging of Lightbringer. Art by Amok)

The role of myth is a recurring theme in ASoIaF. GRRM plays with the idea that ancient myths contain a kernel of truth, a truth that has been distorted over millennia of retellings. A lot of fans seems to think that the myth of Lightbringer functions as a kind of recipe to create an extra-special magical sword. However, while myths contains kernels of truth in GRRM’s universe, they are not necessarily to be read in a literal manner. I don’t think that a prophesied hero will have to kill a loved one to make a magical weapon. I suspect that the myth of Lightbringer is to be read allegorically rather than literally.

The myth of Lightbringer tells us two things about the creation of this magical blade:

There is smith craft involved - “Azor Ahai labored sleepless in the temple, forging a blade in the sacred fires.” (ACoK, Davos I)

A blood sacrifice is involved - “Azor Ahai thrust the smoking sword through her living heart. It is said that her cry of anguish and ecstasy left a crack across the face of the moon, but her blood and her soul and her strength and her courage all went into the steel.”

This actually dovetails nicely with what GRRM himself has said about the making of Valyrian steel:

Q: A brief question about Valyrian steel - is it the metal that makes the sword so special (provenance, age, etc), or is it the forging (spells, techniques)

GRRM: Forging techniques and spells, actually. There is magic involved in the making of Valyrian steel. (x)

If we read the myth of Lightbringer allegorically then the sacrifice of Nissa Nissa signifies what type of magic was used in the creation of Valyrian steel, i.e. blood magic.

Let’s get back to the the legend of the Last Hero. As said, Sam discovers an ancient text in the library at Castle Black that states that the Last Hero slew a White Walker with dragonsteel, i.e. a Valyrian sword. In this context, it is worth noting that in Old Nan’s retelling of the story, it is specifically mentioned that the Last Hero loses his sword during his quest:

He set out into the dead lands with a sword, a horse, a dog, and a dozen companions. For years he searched, until he despaired of ever finding the children of the forest in their secret cities. One by one his friends died, and his horse, and finally even his dog, and his sword froze so hard the blade snapped when he tried to use it. (AGoT, Bran I)

A frozen blade shattering in the cold sounds a lot like what happened to Ser Waymar Royce when he duels with a White Walker in the prologue of AGoT:

His blade was white with frost; the Other's danced with pale blue light.

...

Ser Waymar Royce found his fury. "For Robert!" he shouted, and he came up snarling, lifting the frost-covered longsword with both hands and swinging it around in a flat sidearm slash with all his weight behind it. The Other's parry was almost lazy.

When the blades touched, the steel shattered.

A scream echoed through the forest night, and the longsword shivered into a hundred brittle pieces, the shards scattering like a rain of needles. (AGoT, Prologue)

The Others bring a cold so intense that it shatters steel swords. Only a magical blade might stand a chance against their ice swords.

If the Last hero was indeed Brandon Stark, and if he did indeed wield a blade made of Valyrian steel, then it is most likely that this sword was Ice, the ancestral blade of the House he founded. If this is indeed the case, the its very name, Ice, could obliquely refer to the fact that it was used to kill a being that was essentially “Ice Made Flesh” (I’ve argued elsewhere that the text implicitly depicts the Others as beings of embodied ice).

THE HIGHTOWER

Let’s just assume that Ice was indeed the dragonsteel blade that the Last Hero (Brandon the Builder) wielded against the Others. The question remains: how did he get his hands on a blade of Valyrian steel when the Valyrian Freehold did not yet exist? In this context, it is worth noting that the myth of Lightbringer and the prophecy of Azor Ahai come again appear to originate in Asshai and not in Valyria. Maybe the secret to forge Valyrian steel wasn’t actually discovered in the Valyrian freehold but in Asshai? This is where this essay gets even more speculative.

In this section, I’ll be drawing on a four part theory that the user u/sangeli published on reddit a few years ago (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4). The gist of this theory revolves around the hypothesis that the Valyrian Dragonlords weren’t native to the Valyrian peninsula but that they were the descendants of the Great Empire of the Dawn, which u/sangeli locates in Asshai. The chaos of the Long Night cause an Asshai’i diaspora (possibly because Asshai was ground zero of some kind of magical catastrophe that rendered the place sterile, which I’ve written about elsewhere). One of the places where the Asshai settled was the Valyrian peninsula and the companion book does offer some weight to this argument:

In Asshai, the tales are many and confused, but certain texts—all impossibly ancient—claim that dragons first came from the Shadow, a place where all of our learning fails us. These Asshai'i histories say that a people so ancient they had no name first tamed dragons in the Shadow and brought them to Valyria, teaching the Valyrians their arts before departing from the annals. (TWoIaF, Ancient History: The Rise of Valyria)

However, u/sangeli goes further and theorizes that some of the Asshai’i also settled in Westeros, more specifically in the location that is now known as Oldtown. It is one of the oldest, perhaps even the oldest of the cities of Westeros and its origins is lost in the mists of time. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it was founded by an Asshai’i disapora but u/sangeli presents the mysterious structure of fused black stone that constitutes the foundation of the Hightower as a piece of evidence for their theory:

Yet mysteries remain. The stony island where the Hightower stands is known as Battle Isle even in our oldest records, but why? What battle was fought there? When? Between which lords, which kings, which races? Even the singers are largely silent on these matters.

Even more enigmatic to scholars and historians is the great square fortress of black stone that dominates that isle. For most of recorded history, this monumental edifice has served as the foundation and lowest level of the Hightower, yet we know for a certainty that it predates the upper levels of the tower by thousands of years.

Who built it? When? Why? Most maesters accept the common wisdom that declares it to be of Valyrian construction, for its massive walls and labyrinthine interiors are all of solid rock, with no hint of joins or mortar, no chisel marks of any kind, a type of construction that is seen elsewhere, most notably in the dragonroads of the Freehold of Valyria, and the Black Walls that protect the heart of Old Volantis. The dragonlords of Valryia, as is well-known, possessed the art of turning stone to liquid with dragonflame, shaping it as they would, then fusing it harder than iron, steel, or granite. (AWoIaF, The Reach: Oldtown)

The base on which the Hightower rests is made from fused black stone in an unknown technique the is eerily reminiscent of the magical arts of Valyria. Yet the architectural style of this edifice shares no similarities with the architecture of Old Valyria:

The fused black stone of which it is made suggests Valyria, but the plain, unadorned style of architecture does not, for the dragonlords loved little more than twisting stone into strange, fanciful, and ornate shapes. Within, the narrow, twisting, windowless passages strike many as being tunnels rather than halls; it is very easy to get lost amongst their turnings. Mayhaps this is no more than a defensive measure designed to confound attackers, but it too is singularly un-Valyrian. (TWoIaF, The Reach: Oldtown)

I must admit that with evidence like this, I do find u/sangeli’s theory that the Hightower was founded by an Asshai’i disapora both interesting and convincing. As do I find their claim that House Hightower may indeed descend from these people, especially since the companion book also raises the issue of the origins of House Hightower:

The reasons for the abandonment of the fortress and the fate of its builders, whoever they might have been, are likewise lost to us, but at some point we know that Battle Isle and its great stronghold came into the possession of the ancestors of House Hightower. Were they First Men, as most scholars believe today? Or did they mayhaps descend from the seafarers and traders who had settled at the top of Whispering Sound in earlier epochs, the men who came before the First Men? We cannot know. (TWoIaF, The Reach: Oldtown)

The reason I bring up the Hightower in relation to the Last Hero and the secret of Valyrian steel, is because Brandon the Builder had a connection to the Hightower as the purported architect of its upper levels. Furthermore, the Hightower is associated with the Night’s Watch through the image of the Lighthouse as a positive image of fire - a beacon in the darkness, which I’ve written about elsewhere.

(Left: Hightower in Oldtown. Art by Ted Nasmith, Right: Sigil and Motto of House Hightower)

If we accept that there’s usually a kernel of truth in the myths and legends within GRRM’s fictional universe, then we may speculate that Brandon the Builder did indeed visit Oldtown and the mysterious fortress that forms the base of the Hightower. If u/sangeli is correct in their theory, then the people who inhabited this mysterious structure of fused black stone may have been Asshai’i refugees from the GEotD - and they may have known the secret of forging dragonsteel steel. The Hightower may indeed have been the place where Ice was forged.

All of this is, of course, highly speculative, if the Last Hero did indeed wield a blade made of Valyrian steel before the Valyrian Freehold existed, then I haven’t come across another theory as to why he would have had such a blade.

(GIFs not mine)

#asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #game of throne #lightbringer #ice #valyrian steel #azor ahai #the last hero #oldtown #the hightower #asoiafmeta #asoiaf meta #gotmeta #got meta

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habibialkaysani · 5 years

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The Devil in Star City (Laurel/Nyssa; T) - Part IV

Ships: Laurel/Joanna, Laurel/Tommy

Summary: “My name is Laurel Lance. When I was eight years old I was in a car accident that left me without sight. But in the process, my other senses were heightened.

By day, I am a defence attorney, ready to fight for justice in the courtroom on behalf of those who the law has failed. By night, I am someone else. I am something else.

I am Daredevil.”

Part I

Part II

Part III

A/N: I'm moving back and forth in the timeline a fair amount, but hopefully it's clear when this is set if you've watched the first episode of Daredevil. Essentially Laurel and Joanna are newly qualified as lawyers and their new client turns out to be someone Laurel knows.

Thanks to @amidalas-shadow for helping me when I was stuck.

Read at AO3

“So remind me how you got this case again?” Laurel asked Joanna as they were led through the police precinct to Interrogation Room 2.

Thankfully - for Joanna, that is - she didn't have time to answer. They had reached the room and already the cop on duty was opening the door for them - but only an inch, just enough for Jo to get a glimpse inside.

“I'm in the middle of an interrogation, counsellor.”

“I can see that.” Laurel knew now that Jo was craning her neck to take a better look at the person inside. “You wanna tell me why you think the cuffs are necessary for a man with no priors, Detective Boland?”

“Mr Merlyn was found red-handed at the scene of a murder,” the detective replied. “And I don't mean that metaphorically. So yeah. They're necessary.”

Laurel groaned inwardly - what had Jo gotten them into? Nevertheless, she was a lawyer, she reminded herself, as of twelve hours ago. She had a job to do.

“Did he resist arrest?” Laurel asked.

“Why is that relevant?” Detective Boland shot back.

“Just curious.”

“No, he did not.”

Laurel folded her arms. “Then can you at least allow our client the dignity of being uncuffed while you give us the room?”

“She just rolled her eyes, for the record, Laurel,” Jo said.

“Fine.”

There was a click as the handcuffs on their client were taken off him, and then the detective held the door open for Laurel and her partner.

“Thanks,” Laurel said, but Tina didn’t reply, just huffed a sigh and left the room, shutting the door behind her with a little more dour force than required.

“Dinah? Is that you?”

Shit.

She recognised that voice. Hell, she could have recognised it when he murmured “thank you” to Boland after she took his cuffs off, but Laurel hadn't been paying attention at that point. And to do what she did, Laurel had to pay attention.

Now, though, while she didn't need to feign her surprise, she did need to pretend not to be too annoyed that it was him.

“Oh my God. Uh. Tommy, right? Hi. It's been a while.”

“Wait, you know this guy?” Jo demanded, and Laurel had to mask a slight smile because it almost sounded like Jo was jealous.

“Not exactly.”

“What exactly does ‘not exactly’ mean? And I thought you didn't like being called Dinah?”

“I never said I didn't like it. And it's just what I go by during AA meetings.”

“Oh.”

Laurel could tell Jo felt bad, then, and she was about to say something to her partner, only for Tommy to finally get a word in edgeways. “Who are you?”

“I'm Joanna de la Vega, and this is my associate, Dinah Laurel Lance.”

“We've met,” Laurel said unnecessarily. “And I prefer Laurel. We're your lawyers.”

“I can't afford a lawyer,” Tommy said.

Jo barely skipped a beat. “See, Mr Merlyn -”

“Tommy. Please.”

“Tommy - that would have been a dealbreaker for me, but I have a feeling my partner’s not gonna give up that easily when she’s trying to save the world.”

At this Laurel couldn’t think up a witty remark in time, and Tommy asked, “How did you even find me?”

Laurel straightened a little and nudged Jo with her elbow. “That's an excellent question, Mr Merlyn, one that I'll let my partner answer.”

Jo shook her head and sighed. “Okay, fine - I may or may not have asked the desk sergeant to tip me off if anything interesting turned up.”

“And me being suspected of murder counts as interesting?”

Now Laurel resisted the urge to laugh, because only Jo would do that. “You gave Mckenna’s mother cigars again, didn’t you?”

“It’s a free country, and we need our first client, so unless you have any better ideas, hun -”

“Jo, sweetie, can I have a word with you privately, please?”

“Sure. Give us a second, Tommy.”

Laurel got to her feet and went to the corner of the room with Jo at her heels. “What the hell is this?” Laurel demanded. “I thought the whole reason we left Landman and Zach was because we wanted to do something better.”

“And you know I love you dearly for your idealism, but we can’t live off it. Besides, what happened to ‘innocent until proven guilty’? What happened to the idea that everyone deserves representation?”

“But he’s a criminal.”

“How can you know that for sure?”

Laurel couldn’t say anything now, about how she could hear Tommy’s heartbeat going as fast as a jackhammer and she knew he was hiding something, or that she just had a bad feeling about all of this - not when she knew Jo wouldn’t believe a word she said. And even if she did, Jo was right. They needed a first case. One way or another.

“I don't,” Laurel said finally.

“Exactly. Give the poor guy a chance. At least hear him out.”

Huffing a sigh, Laurel knew already that she was going to give in. “Okay.”

Brightening, Jo put her hands on Laurel’s shoulders. “All right! Now, you’re gonna listen to your best friend, and you’re gonna waltz on over and tell Tommy how honoured you are to represent him.”

“Why can't you do it?”

“You have an in with him.”

“It was one meeting, over a year ago, and it kind of defeats the purpose of the whole anonymity thing -”

“And I don’t want to ask you when I know it’s a sore subject -”

“It’s not,” Laurel cut across her.

“Fine. A sensitive one, then. But you have something in common. So use it.”

Laurel groaned. “Why do you hate me?” But still, she straightened up, made her way over to - God help her - their client and said reluctantly, “Tommy, we would be honoured to represent you. How would you like to be our first client?”

“Maybe you shouldn't have led with that,” Joanna said from beside her as she pulled out her chair and sat down.

“Wait, so you've never done this before?” Tommy said. “I thought you said you were -”

“We are fully qualified for the job, I assure you,” Laurel cut across him. “We’re also smart and quick learners. Why don't you tell us what happened, Tommy?”

“I already told that cop, I didn't do it.”

Laurel was surprised. His heartbeat had slowed, enough to make her doubt herself.

“I believe you,” she said before she could think about it, and she knew Joanna was glaring at her now. “We believe you. Don’t we, Jo?”

A sigh, then, through gritted teeth, “Yeah, we do,” from Joanna.

“And we're gonna help you with this,” Laurel said. “I give you my word. But you'll have to start from the beginning, please.”

“I don't know what happened, okay? I - I was meeting Max after work last night. I'd offered to buy him a drink.”

“You're referring to the murder victim, Max Fuller?”

“God, I still can’t believe he’s -” Tommy halted, and Laurel knew that his eyes had tears in them - just another way that he surprised her.

“You cared for him,” Laurel said slowly.

“He was a nice guy,” Tommy said.

“How did you know him?”

“Work. I’m the finance administrator for Union Allied Construction. Max is - was - in the HR department.”

“And why did you meet him?”

Silence. Tommy shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.

Then Jo said, “We can’t help you unless you’re honest with us. You know that, right?”

“We were just friends going for a beer after work.”

“I take it that means you’ve fallen off the wagon, then?” Laurel blurted before she could stop herself.

She regretted it almost instantly, but by then the damage had been done as Tommy scoffed bitterly.

“Probably more accurate to say I was never on it to begin with. Let's just say the programme didn’t really work out for me.”

Silence fell - the dense, deeply uncomfortable kind that Laurel felt she could have cut in half with a knife.

“So what happened?” Jo cut in, to Laurel's relief. “With Max?”

“I don't remember,” Tommy said, his heartbeat steady. “One minute we were talking and the next - everything was spinning and I blacked out.”

“And it wasn't because of the booze.”

It hadn't been a question, but Tommy answered it anyway. “No. I'm long past the point where two beers can do anything for me.”

“What were you talking about?”

“Why does it even matter?”

“A man is dead, Tommy. Surely that's reason enough for everything to matter?” Laurel was guilt-tripping him now, she knew that, but she also knew that there was no way this was the whole story.

There was a sniffle and then Laurel was the one feeling guilty. “You don't need to tell me that.” Then he paused, before saying, “Okay. We were out for a drink because I haven't been at this place long and honestly it's hard to meet people in the city. Especially when you're always working. It gets lonely. So we talked, not a whole lot, about work, about family. He has - had - a wife. Two kids. He was saying how the little one was keeping him up at night. And then the next thing I knew, I was in my apartment, covered in blood. His blood.” Tommy was crying now - Laurel could hear it in his voice and practically taste the salt of tears in the air as he gulped and said, “I didn’t do this. Please. You’ve gotta believe me. I’m not a murderer. And I don't know why you're both here - especially you, Dinah. I mean - Laurel.”

“It’s okay,” Laurel reassured him. “I’m fine with either name. Listen… Jo, can you go get Tommy some coffee?”

“Sure,” Jo said, getting to her feet and leaving the room. Laurel waited for the door to click shut before she took a deep breath.

“How’d you know I needed coffee?” Tommy said.

“You’re restless. Hands shaking. Feet tapping. I can hear it.”

“You must have good ears, then.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Laurel muttered under her breath. “I also think you need to clear your head a bit. Hell, sober up.”

“I'm not drunk. I already told you."

“But you are an alcoholic.” Laurel hesitated now. “Tommy, have you ever been - really wasted? I mean… to the point that you remembered nothing, absolutely nothing, because you just completely blacked out?”

“More than once,” Tommy said, far more readily than Laurel expected.

“Yeah. So have I. And I remember… waking up and feeling so awful, but also filled with horror because I didn't know what I had done during those missing twelve hours. And then - then I felt relief, because I realised I was in best friend's apartment and she had driven me home with me passed out in her backseat the moment she found me in my favourite dive bar in the city. And I realised that even though I felt like shit, I also had someone who could account for my every action even if I couldn't.” Laurel waited, but perhaps it just hadn't clicked for Tommy yet. “I had an alibi. Right now, you don't."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that you're going to be staying in jail overnight because right now things don't look too good for you, Tommy." Her client's sharp intake of breath was audible even to a normal person's ears, so she quickly added, "And I'm saying that if there is anything you're not telling us, anything at all, now is the time to tell me."

At that moment Joanna walked back in and shut the door behind her with a click, bearing a cardboard cup of coffee. The chair scraped on the floor as Jo sat back down and handed the coffee to him, and Laurel knew - or, rather, she hoped - that this time their first client would be more forthcoming with his new lawyers.

More than that, though, Laurel hoped that she could make good on the promise she had made Tommy Merlyn, one she was now doubting she could keep.

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2u9hLoU via Viral News HQ

#IFTTT #Viral News HQ

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ravingsofajunkie · 7 years

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“At least you’re still alive”. It’s almost as bad as “at least you’re sober”. I really have no idea what those mean to me. Alive…dead…sober or high, I don’t see importance of one state over another. Suicidal, I am not. I’ve been suicidal before because I thought that’s what you do when you’re depressed. A suicidal thought would cross my mind saying life would be much easier if I weren’t here. I would go with that thought believing it was real. But if there was any amount of known pain involved in a certain method of suicide I wouldn’t want use it. So the best way was Tylenol. Right? As if! Twice even!

My belief system had been this: I’m capable of thinking a thought therefore it must be true and I have no choice but to follow that one path. I really didnt know, deep down, I had a choice about everything…and I mean e-ve-ry-thing until about 2013. My first lesson was in 2004. Being sober for almost a year I found some solace at a Methodist church in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. I attended an orientation class for those who were curious about becoming more involved with that specific church. The straight pastor who had been suspended from serving this church for marrying gay couples said, “we’re more universalist than Methodist here. Some of us actually believe that Jesus didn’t rise from the dead which doesn’t mean youre not a Christian.” I knew what he said was Truth yet still I was flabbergasted and gratitude radiated from my body like light from the sun.

The second lesson was in 2011. I had been using crystal meth off and on for about a year. My most personal and revealing tweak was carpet combing. I would spend hours (in total adding up to days and days) combing through my carpet to see if I or anyone else had dropped any crystal meth whether or not it was used in that part of the apartment. The sense of lack in my life was fierce. Lack of choices. Lack of friends. Lack of money. Lack of worthiness. I wanted more T and that shiT was expensive. Letting the cat out of the bag and revealing my tweak to a “friend” he said, “You have a choice. You need to tell yourself to get up off the floor and do something else. That shit is pathetic”. Why did he have to add THAT at the end? My sense of lack was so loud I had neglected my truer instincts.

I have never understood concepts such as a God based out of major religions, baptism, funerals, I am supposed to give a shit about the plight of every human being (especially when I could imagine aspects unknown to my experience and without judgment), and the importance of “at least I didn’t die”. Gosh, I must be a heartless person. That’s not what most people have told me, though. My first sponsor (in AA) of eight years mentioned that I was very altruistic at least once in every conversation, always trying to affirm my worthiness. I had no idea what that meant, at first, so I looked it up. It meant I was a very giving person with no expectation of reward or reciprocity? Please. No one…absolutely no one I know is the perfect model of altruism. A reward always awaits in anything we do or are with the simple release of the feel -good-chemical dopamine. I had started to hate all people because I gave too much of my energy trying to be friends with everyone. I sat on the term, altruism, for quite a long time trying understand why he would say that. My sponsor also sat on a pedestal where i had placed him until it came crashing down during the “relapse” or “revolving door” years between 2009-2012. I recall six major flaws in our relationship. 1. He would always forget routine activities that had been happening for years. 2. When I started “relapsing” on Crystal Meth his ignorance and lack of curiosity of what I was going through climaxed with “you were gone for three months and you still have your teeth”. 3. He actually meant “intuitive” or “empathic”…not altruistic…u’s, t’s and i’s…I see it. (And yes ive had almost all UTIs…LOL) 4. The statement, “you are now a chronic relapser” stung. 5. I was way too sensitive. 6. I placed him on that damn pedestal…he’s not perfect.

In 2013 my experiences had been traumatizing enough to bring me back to sobriety and rehab for what I had thought would be the fifth and last time. I had been attending back to back workshops at Haymarket, the boot camp rehab center in Chicago’s West Loop (two blocks away from Oprah’s Harpo studios) for poor and mandated-by-court patients.The difference between previous rehab experiences and this one was I had sensed an overwhelming flood, an abundance, of worthiness with no external motivation but the observation of a few opinions being thrown my way. Id, ego and super-ego were bookended with the father, son and holy spirit in a matter of a couple hours. Accompanied by my “mind, body, and spirit” theories floating around in my head I had made the connection between the holistic, religious, and psychiatric examples. They’re all the fucking same. Fuckers. Everyone. The whole bit. We, as human beings, have come to a place of identification and political correctness, no matter how liberal or conservative, dividing ourselves into the most lonely of separation. It’s all the fucking same. We’re all the fucking same. A fun bitterness accompanied those thoughts and feelings…just pure instinct, knowing, curiosity, and worthiness. Or was I just close enough to the A-Ha energy emenating from Harpo Studios? Who cares?! Naturally, bitterness arrived in the grieving process of letting go of old conditioning, assumptions and ideogy later on but I knew I had touched on Truth. Without knowing I had set out on a mission to choose my own belief system. The excitement of a clear internal motivation allowed me to hear the quiet “no of all nothing” (e.e. cummings) and the little guide posts externally along the way, aka synchronicity. A common phrase in AA made more sense to me then and now. “These (ideas, thoughts, 12 steps, clichés) are merely suggestions. You can take them or leave them”. Now if they, as one example of a recovery community, actually knew how to do that I would still be involved.

Ironically, despite my internal spark, two pieces of advice that I can give anyone today to achieve this state of mind, of knowing abundance, are not of my own making.

1. Set a hoola-hoop around you on the ground. Whether or not you have done this literally or in your mind’s eye, the only thing you need to worry about is inside this hoola-hoop. Dudes…all that gobbledeegook out there, i.e. media, government, gossip, your neighbors, etc are mostly a distraction. Everyday, all day, little by little, I gave this thought and asked myself, “why am I doing this? What is my motivation”. I have a tendency to over do things but the importance of being able to take all of my attachments and examine them overwhelms me with gratitude. My goal was to identify and keep my sense of inner motivation. Ironically I discovered that abundance after quitting injecting crystal meth on my own yet still getting high as a kite. More on that later.

2. Get religion out of ‘spirituality’. I don’t give a fuck if you’re atheist, muslim, naturalist, scientist, evolutionist, creationist, christian, or a devil worshipper. It’s all the same and 99% of all people can relate to this definition. The most important thing next to feeling worthy is being able to communicate our worthiness to each other. Just retrain your brain. Easy, right? If you’re too lazy to do it, fine. Ive been super lazy about lesser important things about which most people have pigeon-holed me into a being bad person. True, external motivation/inspiration exists but I cannot give you your worthiness. You have to feel that all on your own. So, take it or leave it.

Spirit - that life-giving source…the spark of life…energy everywhere…infinite microcosm….infinite macrocosm…atoms…universes…the unknowable thing that makes you or me breathe or get up in the morning or feel or do or be or the fact that scientists say that energy cannot be destroyed.

—“I’ve got spirit! Yes, I do! I’ve got spirit! How 'bout you?!”

Spiritual - expressing that energy. For all people and things something is being expressed. Even a rock.

Spirituality - experiencing the energy from within and from without. The sharing of that energy. Giving and receiving. Selfishness and selflessness. Reciprocity. The flow. Not Aunt Flo….but…The Flow.

What does this have to do with the phrases “at least you’re still alive” and “at least you’re sober”? Because I feel that it’s all the same, life, death, energy. To say otherwise is to imply shame or that I am not as good of a person for being high or dead. I’ve given myself the chance (time and space) to experience where motivation, creativity, inspiration, passion, love, hate, boredom etc comes from. All of these are within the realms of the abundance and gratitude I feel. I think it’s a lot like the idea of Zen….that energy and motivation are coming from the “no of all nothing”. Relax and go. And it’s even okay to question it all because I am naturally human, merely a doubter, a forgetter, blinded by my ability to separate, organize and categorize. In that painful distraction I can experience an even more powerful understanding that “it’s all the same.” Through the Flow of every experience, high or sober… dying or living, I can allow my humanness to evolve into knowing a little better than the last time I forgot. I have come to accept that, over time, I have seemingly no choice but to evolve in any state of being through some higher purpose…or inner purpose…or. Maybe I’m limiting myself by saying I have no choice in the matter. But until that discovery my options seem endless. And only by experiencing and expressing will I be able to see and know those options.

I am existence. I am energy. I am expressing my True Self through the tool of categorization (aka the Ego or Original Sin) and with each glorious experience. I choose to believe in my worthiness through the abundance of my expression without as much filter of seperateness and as many boundaries as I need.

Life is a paradox. I am a paradox.

May The Force be with you.

#charity

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trinuviel · 6 years

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Azor Ahai, The Prince that was Promised and the Red Sword of Heroes (part 6)

This is the sixth and final installment in my series of metas on the subject of the prophecies of Azor Ahai and The Prince that was Promised in George R.R. Martin’s epic fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5) In my previous post, I came to the conclusion that the priesthood of R’hllor has misunderstood the prophecy of Azor Ahai come again. Rather than being the promise of a saviour, the prophecy should be interpreted as a warning of the coming a destroyer that will bathe the world in fire.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the stories of a hero battling a destructive darkness with a burning sword are entirely wrong. Rather these are stories that contain a kernel of truth but this truth has been embellished and transformed into a number of similar but different narratives as the story wandered from Westeros to Essos. Thus, in light of this context I want to take a closer look at the myth of Lightbringer in relation to the Night’s Watch. This is by no means a new theory but I’d still like to explore this issue as the concluding chapter of this series of metas.

THE LAST HERO

Could it be that the myth of AA and his burning sword is a fiction and that the priesthood of R’hllor has misunderstood the nature of this myth completely? I’m not saying that the myth of AA has no basis in fact, but rather that the facts have become distorted as the story of the Battle for the Dawn travelled east. The first war against the Others took place 8.000 to 5.000 years before the present storyline – and it most likely took place in Westeros since it is the only continent that is connected with the frozen Land of Always Winter in the far north of the world.

What exactly happened during the first Long Night and the Battle for the Dawn is shrouded in mystery and legend but the stories of the North differ markedly from the stories of the Long Night that are told in Essos. In the North stories are told of the Last Hero who according to legend played a crucial part in the defeat of the Others.

So as cold and death filled the earth, the last hero determined to seek out the children, in the hopes that their ancient magics could win back what the armies of men had lost. He set out into the dead lands with a sword, a horse, a dog, and a dozen companions. For years he searched, until he despaired of ever finding the children of the forest in their secret cities. One by one his friends died, and his horse, and finally even his dog, and his sword froze so hard the blade snapped when he tried to use it. And the Others smelled the hot blood in him, and came silent on his trail, stalking him with packs of pale white spiders big as hounds—"

All Bran could think of was Old Nan's story of the Others and the last hero, hounded through the white woods by dead men and spiders big as hounds. He was afraid for a moment, until he remembered how that story ended. "The children will help him," he blurted, "the children of the forest!" (AGoT, Bran IV)

(The Last Hero. Art by Roman Papsuev)

According to the stories and songs, the Last Hero didn’t defeat the Others singlehandedly. He sought the help of the Children of the Forest (the original inhabitants of Westeros) and he fought together with the first men of the Night’s Watch:

How the Long Night came to an end is a matter of legend, as all such matters of the distant past have become. In the North, they tell of a last hero who sought out the intercession of the children of the forest, his companions abandoning him or dying one by one as they faced ravenous giants, cold servants, and the Others themselves. Alone he finally reached the children, despite the efforts of the white walkers, and all the tales agree this was a turning point. Thanks to the children, the first men of the Night's Watch banded together and were able to fight—and win—the Battle for the Dawn: the last battle that broke the endless winter and sent the Others fleeing to the icy north. Now, six thousand years later (or eight thousand as True History puts forward), the Wall made to defend the realms of men is still manned by the sworn brothers of the Night's Watch, and neither the Others nor the children have been seen in many centuries. (tWoIaF)

It isn’t stated directly but the stories imply that the Last Hero may have been involved with the creation of the Night’s Watch. His identity and his fate are unknown but what is interesting is this story tells of a man who played a crucial part in the defeat of the Others, not because he had been prophesized to do so but because he choose to seek help from beings that were intimately connected to the living land.

THE CHILDREN OF THE FOREST

The Children of the Forest are a non-human race that along with the giants were the original inhabitants of Westeros in the dawn of time. It is a long held belief that they have died out but Bran encounters several CotF in the cave beneath an ancient weirwood tree where he is instructed in the magic of greenseeing and warging by The Three-Eyed Crow.

The relationship between the CotF and humankind has been a fractious one. The First Men and the Children engaged in a prolongued war because the human settlers cut down the sacred weirwood trees. Eventually, the Children and the First Men made peace with the Pact of the Isle of Faces.

The CotF are intimately connected to the living land in a way that humankind is not. They live in harmony with nature and their magic is rooted in nature as well – their most powerful magic users were the original wargs and greenseers. Bran Stark possess the same powers but how certain people of the North came to inherit these powers is shrouded in mystery.

The greenseers were more than that. They were wargs as well, as you are, and the greatest of them could wear the skins of any beast that flies or swims or crawls, and could look through the eyes of the weirwoods as well, and see the truth that lies beneath the world. - Jojen to Bran, (ASoS, Bran I)

It was the CotF who carved faces into the weirwood trees so their greenseers could look out of the eyes of the trees. The weirwoods were sacred to the Children and they became sacred to the First Men after the Pact.

The connection between the weirwoods that the greenseers go even deeper. Their spirits literally become one with the living trees when they die.

“The singers of the forest had no books. No ink, no parchment, no written language. Instead they had the trees, and the weirwoods above all. When they died, they went into the wood, into leaf and limb and root, and the trees remembered. All their songs and spells, their histories and prayers, everything they knew about this world. Maesters will tell you that the weirwoods are sacred to the old gods. The singers believe they are the old gods. When singers die they become part of that godhood." - Jojen to Bran, (ADwD, Bran III)

Their closeness to the natural word is also echoed in their language, which is completely different from any kind of human language. In their own tongue they call themselves those who sing the song of the earth – and their language is the sound of nature itself.

Their song and music was said to be as beautiful as they were, but what they sang of is not remembered save in small fragments handed down from ancient days. Maester Childer's Winter's Kings, or the Legends and Lineages of the Starks of Winterfell contains a part of a ballad alleged to tell of the time Brandon the Builder sought the aid of the children while raising the Wall. He was taken to a secret place to meet with them, but could not at first understand their speech, which was described as sounding like the song of stones in a brook, or the wind through leaves, or the rain upon the water. (tWoIaF)

There’s an interesting nugget of information hidden in this quote. Brandon the Builder, the founder of House Stark, sought the help of the CotF to build the Wall and met with them in one of their secret cities. This could be a clue to the identity of the Last Hero – he also sought the secret cities of the CotF to plead for their help. Exactly what kind of help the CotF gave the Last Hero is unknown but part of it could be the magic that infuses the Wall and keep the dead from crossing it.

(The building of the Wall. Art by Chase Stone)

The Last Hero is connected with the first men of the Night’s Watch who man the Wall that was built by Brandon the Builder. Was he the founder of this ancient order? Perhaps. However, there are enough clues to suggest that the Last Hero may have been Bran the Builder, the founder of House Stark and the man who built Winterfell. If is, of course, quite possible that Brandon the Builder was a purely mythic figure, which GRRM himself coyly hints:

No one can even say for certain if Brandon the Builder ever lived. He is as remote from the time of the novels as Noah and Gilgamesh are from our own time. (x)

Legend or not – these stories suggests that the Starks played a crucial part in the first war against the Others – and it is quite clear that the Starks will play a crucial role in the war to come, especially Bran Stark and Jon Snow.

THE SWORD IN THE DARKNESS

When it comes to the Night’s Watch, there is an interesting connection between the wording of their wows and the legend of Lightbringer. When the recruits pledge themselves to the Night’s Watch, these are the words they say:

"Hear my words, and bear witness to my vow," they recited, their voices filling the twilit grove. "Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come." (AGoT, Jon VI)

It is particularly the phrase THE SWORD IN THE DARKNESS and how it is connected to the imagery of fire and light. The imagery suggests that The Sword in the Darkness is a burning or shining/glowing sword. That actually sounds a lot like the legendary Lightbringer – the red sword that makes its own light and fire.

If Night Night’s Watch is Lighbringer – in the metaphorical sense – then the one who wields the Sword in the Darkness is the Lord Commander. Who’ll hold this position when the time comes for the final confrontation with the Others is still up for debate. In the books Jon Snow holds the position of Lord Commander until he is killed and in the show he leaves the NW after his resurrection.

Does this mean that there is no actual burning sword? The answer is both yes and no.

FROZEN FIRE

There may not have been an actual burning sword during the first war for the Dawn, but the CotF most likely entrusted the Last Hero and the first men of the Night’s Watch with the secret that obsidian blades kill White Walkers. Obsidian is also called dragonglass and it has a special meaning in the Valyrian language.

"Dragonglass." The red woman's laugh was music. "Frozen fire, in the tongue of old Valyria. Small wonder it is anathema to these cold children of the Other." (ASoS, Samwell V)

Dragonglass blades kills White Walkers quite effectively. It is as though the blade itself, or rather the material it is made of, is inimical to Others on a fundamental level. Their icy “flesh” is completely destroyed when it comes into contact with dragonglass.

You can do it, you can, just do it. And then he was stumbling forward, falling more than running, really, closing his eyes and shoving the dagger blindly out before him with both hands. He heard a crack, like the sound ice makes when it breaks beneath a man's foot, and then a screech so shrill and sharp that he went staggering backward with his hands over his muffled ears, and fell hard on his arse.(ASoS, Samwell I)

When he opened his eyes the Other's armor was running down its legs in rivulets as pale blue blood hissed and steamed around the black dragonglass dagger in its throat. It reached down with two bone-white hands to pull out the knife, but where its fingers touched the obsidian they smoked. Sam rolled onto his side, eyes wide as the Other shrank and puddled, dissolving away. In twenty heartbeats its flesh was gone, swirling away in a fine white mist. Beneath were bones like milkglass, pale and shiny, and they were melting too. Finally only the dragonglass dagger remained, wreathed in steam as if it were alive and sweating. (ASoS, Samwell I)

Notice how the dragonglass dagger causes the White Walker’s body to boil, steam and smoke. Then the dagger is described as if it is almost alive (with fire). Now if we compare this to the description in the Jade Compendium of Azor Ahai using Lightbringer on an unidentified monster:

“The pages told of Azor Ahai, Lightbringer was his sword. […] Once Azor Ahai fought a monster. When he thrust the sword through the belly of the beast, its blood began to boil. Smoke and steam poured from its mouth, its eyes melted and dribbled down its cheeks, and its body burst into flame." (ADwD, Jon III)

This description is very similar to how the White Walker died after being struck with an obsidian dagger. So you can definitely make the argument that the Red Sword of Heroes wasn’t a literal burning sword but rather a blade made of the “frozen fire” of dragonglass.

My point is, that the story of the Last hero, the Night’s Watch and the use of dragonglass blades against the Others has been garbled and altered throughout the millennia as it travelled from the far north of Westeros to the far east of Asshai where the prophecy of Azor Ahai reborn hails from. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the prophecy is not genuine. The problem with visions and prophecies is that they are difficult to interpret – and it is quite possible that an ambiguous vision about a Warrior of Fire was misinterpreted on the basis of a story that in itself was incorrect. That could certainly be a reason why the prophecy of AA reborn is interpreted as the promise of a saviour rather than a warning of a destroyer. Such a misinterpretation could have been further entrenched through R’hllorist dogma.

If the prophecy of AA reborn is a warning, does the same apply to the prophecy of the Prince that was Promised? Only if the two prophecies refer to the same person. There’s very little concrete information on the prophecy of tPtwP and most of what we know seems to dovetail nicely with the prophecy of AA reborn. Thus, the text itself implies that the two prophecies refer to the same person. We don’t know where the prophecy of the promised prince hails from. Maester Aemon indicates that it is written in Valyrian. If so, then it is quite possible that the prophecy of tPtwP is an old one that comes out of Valyria before the Doom. If that is the case, then it is quite possible that it simply is another variation on the prophecy of AA reborn.

However, I find it very interesting that GRRM has chosen to withhold a lot of information about the prophecy of tPtwP. That could indicate that the prophecy itself as well as its wording may drive a significant plot twist. I have previously argued that tPtwP and AA very likely refer to the same person but I won’t dismiss the possibility that the two prophecies may refer to different people. We simply haven’t enough information to make a definitive judgement in this matter.

#azor ahai #the prince that was promised #lightbringer #dragonglass #the night's watch #asoaif #meta #a song of ice and fire #prophecy

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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