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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Alaska Doesn't Know (Katlaska) - a-tresia

She doesn’t know when it happened. But it happened. Quietly. Gradually. Gently. Unknowingly.

AN: I was rewatching All Stars 2 on a 14 hour plane ride to Europe and wrote this on the plane ride home because I couldn’t get it out of my head. It’s unedited and messy and basically a scattered brain on a long haul flight manifested in a 3,000 word story.

And, uh, if you like it – let me know. Turns out, sitting in a plane for half a day is great for *productivity*. So there’s another story in this same universe if you guys decide you like this.

My Craquaria fic is still being written – just had to purge a little.

—

Alaska doesn’t know when it happened — when she started calling her Katya (proper, formal, professional) then Ka-tee-ya (drawn out vowels, markedly Alaska) then Kataya (“My mom didn’t know how to say her name for a while and was calling her Kataya,” she said in an interview and it became a running joke but really it was just endearing) then Kati (Only Alaska calls her Kati, as far as she knows. And only Alaska can call her Kati. Because why would they? That’s not her name). Sometimes it’s an irreverent butchering of her name but she does it with the purest of intentions. And only in public. Now it’s just Brian. Or some sort of an overly sappy, teeth-rotting pet name. And it sounds more natural. And real.

It wasn’t until she lost her phone — in a cab, or the airport, or a plane, or another airport, in a car, in an event venue, a hotel room, wherever, whenever, whatever — that she realizes that Katya’s constant texts or phone calls or video calls, seemingly a continuous stream of consciousness, has stopped being Too Much and Infuriating to her.

(Alaska asks Trixie how she does it. How she can keep on listening to Katya go on tangents about anything and everything and not want to strangle her.

“Oh, you think I don’t?” Trixie laughs. “I constantly want to strangle her. Or kill myself. Which I think would be an easier option.” Trixie shoots herself in the mouth with two finger guns.

“TRACY!” Alaska laughs — screeches, really — and almost falls off the stool as she does.)

She doesn’t know when it happened. But it happened. Quietly. Gradually. Gently. Unknowingly.

(After a show, with everyone scrambling to get out of drag, trying to get the fuck out of this place and into bed, Katya’s going on about something or another on some sort of a live video. Alaska’s observing her from afar. She zones out of her (one-sided) conversation with Detox and focuses her attention on Katya. She laughs as she finally catches the gist of Katya’s seemingly endless and nonsensical story.

“Why are you laughing?” Detox asks, pulling Alaska back into THEIR conversation.

“What?” she asks automatically as she focuses back on Detox.

Detox looks at Alaska’s reflection on the mirror. Then at Katya’s. “I can’t believe people actually stay up to tune in to that,” she says. “Bitch gives me a fucking headache.”

Alaska laughs. Because it’s true. The bitch gives everyone a headache. Except her. Not anymore, apparently. “Verbal diarrhea. Like she’s dumping her psyche online,” Alaska explains. “Makes her more relatable, I guess. It’s cute.”

“When did you start finding that cute?”

Alaska locks eyes with Detox on the mirror, scrunches her nose, and pouts her lips. “I don’t knoooooow,” she drawls. And she really doesn’t.)

And now she’s uncomfortable at the sudden peace and quiet. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s usually on the phone with Katya as soon as she lands until she’s pulling up to their apartment. She just knows she needs to get home. Home to Katya. To Brian. A new phone can wait until tomorrow.

She comes home to an empty apartment. It’s as tidy as it will ever be. There’s mail on the floor. Why Katya didn’t pick it up, she doesn’t know. There’s an unwashed spoon and bowl in the kitchen sink, still with oatmeal left, almost calling out her name for a wash. There’s a cheap pair of heels, superglue, and some crystals on the coffee table. There’s also a new addition to their plant babies on the windowsill. Oh no, another mouth to feed. Alaska moves to admire them but is stopped by the sudden sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

Katya’s on the bathroom floor, head resting against the toilet seat. She lifts her head to see Alaska’s worried face. “Mother, I’ve been having morning sickness again,” she manages to say before Alaska could ask. She’s been in and out of the bathroom the whole morning, throwing up everything she takes in, so she’s decided to camp out instead.

Alaska grabs a towel before sitting on the floor beside Katya. “It was ONE time. Are you telling me I should have pulled out?” Alaska says with a straight face. Katya laughs — it’s weak, but it’s there, and the effort hurts. “Because, honey, you know that’s not how it works, right?”

“I didn’t go to fucking school for math.” Katya laughs again, more force this time, and Alaska joins in. She leans her head against Alaska when they finally calm down. “You’re home,” she says kissing Alaska’s shoulder.

Alaska nods. She kisses the top of Katya’s head. “I AM home,” she says. “And I lost my phone.” Alaska thinks she’s been trying to get in touch. Katya mumbles something about getting a new one tomorrow and Alaska agrees. That’s not important, for now.

It takes them a while to get up from the floor. Mostly because Katya has to throw up again. And again. And again. Each time finding herself crawling back into Alaska’s lap. All the traveling has Alaska’s back hurting but she doesn’t want to get up until Katya feels better. Solidarity. Poor, Kati. Alaska offers to take her to the doctor but Katya refuses. “Can you just call my mom? Or my sister?” Katya suggests.

She remembers that Pat’s a nurse. And she can help. She’s probably the only legitimate medical professional Katya trusts. “Your mom, okay,” she agrees. “But why your sister?”

Katya sits up to look Alaska straight in the eyes. “She’s a veterinary pathologist,” she explains, enunciating each syllable as if that would explain how she could help Katya at the moment.

“Exactly! She’s a veterinarian - AN ANIMAL DOCTOR!” she says trying to get up from the floor. She doesn’t know why Katya insists on deferring to the medical expertise of her sister whenever she has a medical issue because well, she’s not a human doctor, but Katya is Katya. She’ll indulge her sometimes. Not today though, not when she looks like she’s dying and dead. “You’re not a dog, Brian,” Alaska reminds her, AS IF she needed reminding that she is indeed of a different species.

Katya gets up on all fours. “But I AM an animal,” she pants before literally rolling on the floor laughing. Alaska has to laugh along with her because she walked right into that trap.

Alaska doesn’t know when she’s come to accept that nothing that comes out of Katya’s mouth will ever be as expected. But she always expects to be surprised.

(Another flight delay in the chronicles of touring drag queens. No one is happy but they’re trying to keep the beast mode to a minimum. It’s a silent but solid agreement that only one queen can lose their shit at any given time. None of them are having a breakdown at the moment. And that’s good. No one needs whiny ass bitches right now.

Katya opens a bag of Skittles and settles in. “Let’s get serious here for a moment,” she says turning her body to face Alaska. She mirrors Katya’s position, knees touching knees. She agrees and takes Katya’s candy to share. “What exactly do you want to wake up to everyday?” Katya asks very seriously.

With Katya, you never know what you’re going to get. Some days, it’s all nonsense. Some days, like today, it’s this. Smart. Deep. Existential. Alaska’s quite taken aback by the question. She thinks for a moment, as she chews on her Skittles, that maybe her tired brain can’t handle these types of questions. She considers a shallow answer. But shallow is not what Katya wants. “Warmth,” she answers. And frankly, she can’t believe that she’s comfortable enough with Katya to be this candid with her. Katya furrows her brows as if prompting her to elaborate. “Not in the literal sense, as in heat,” she starts to explain. “But, as in, the feeling of warmth and contentment. Whether I wake up alone or next to someone, I just want to wake up to a feeling of warmth, positivity, comfort, and safety.”

Katya is surprised. Genuinely surprised. “Wow,” she says blinking at Alaska. She grabs Alaska’s shoulders. “May I remind you, ma’am, that THIS is an airport,” she says seriously, raising her hands to solidify her point. “I came here to catch FLIGHTS, not feelings.” Katya abruptly gets up, leaving Alaska dumbfounded, thinking: feelings?)

Alaska calls Pat on Katya’s phone while she unpacks and Katya showers. They both agree it’s because of Katya’s shitty food choices. “He was filming with Trixie yesterday,” Alaska offers. It was a dumb explanation but it made sense to them both. Pat laughs. She knows. Everyone knows. All Katya takes in when she’s filming is caffeine and sugar. Nothing substantial. Nothing nutritious. Alaska promises to sneak in more greens.

Katya’s mom tells her what medicine to buy and what flavor of Pedialyte to get “because Brian gets very particular about that.” Alaska knows. “I’m sorry you have to live with a child, Justin,” she says in jest. Alaska agrees. Completely. She doesn’t mind though.

Alaska catches up with Pat for a bit while she sorts through her stuff. She doesn’t know when talking to Katya’s mom became like talking to her own — it’s comforting. She tells her they’ll try to come visit soon. Katya catches the tail end of their conversation, only to sneak in a hi mom, love you, bye, before the call ends.

She thanks Alaska for calling her mom, declares that she’s feeling so much better now that Alaska’s home, and starts to help with the unpacking. No, not really. All she’s really doing is playing with Alaska’s feather boa.

Katya makes a show of plopping herself onto the couch with a dramatic sigh. Alaska looks at her suspiciously. “I feel like there’s something you want to say.”

“I don’t want to be dramatic but —”

“Let me stop you right there.” Alaska holds her hand up to stop Katya from talking. “I can tell you right now that you are physically incapable of not being dramatic. You may continue,” she says with a hand flourish.

Katya crosses her arms and looks away. “I have feelings, you know. And you hurt them.”

Alaska crosses the room to sit beside Katya. “Uh, Brian,” she says, unsure. Her heart is pounding in her chest. She must be genuinely upset. But Katya being Katya, this can also be one of her stupid antics. She hopes it IS just one of her stupid antics. Katya refuses to look at her. She moves closer, enveloping Katya in a hug. “Brian, what’s wrong?”

“Alaska Joanne Elizabeth Thunderfun,” Katya starts. Alaska sighs in relief. This isn’t serious. But she’ll keep up the charade until Katya’s done talking. “Well, you’ve been home 4 hours and you haven’t even properly kissed me yet.” Katya pouts. “I brushed my teeth, mama. I don’t have vomity breath.” Serious enough, Alaska thinks. She shifts Katya’s body to face her. “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” Katya insists.

“A certifiable disaster.” And Alaska doesn’t know any better but to oblige. Again. And again. And again.

(Alaska catches Katya in the dressing room taking off the last of her lipstick. She removes her wig and settles herself on the seat beside Katya to remove her nails. She doesn’t know it but she’s making a face. That face. The things-didn’t-go-my-way-I-want-to-cry-and-I’m-about-to-throw-a-tantrum face.

Katya eyes her carefully. “Are you okay?” Alaska doesn’t respond and it makes Katya uneasy. Their friendship has definitely changed in the past few months. And Alaska has never been this quiet around her. Not since All Stars. “Alaska,” she calls out. Alaska’s brows are furrowed. “Justin,” Katya tries.

She looks up. She heard Katya the first time. And she definitely knows what Katya wants to know. She’s been in a sour mood the whole night. She wants to say something. She has just enough alcohol in her body to be able to feel things but sober enough to stop herself from doing or saying something stupid.

“Look,” Katya says as she put on her boy clothes. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” All Katya gets is a nod. It’s vague. It doesn’t really mean anything. But she knows not to push it. She reminds Alaska that the van is ready to leave and tells her she’ll be outside to smoke.

Alaska quickly changes into her boy clothes, leaving her face to deal with later. She follows the rest of the queens to the parking lot where Katya has been waiting for them forever. She watches Katya take a long drag off her cigarette before calling out to her. “Kati.”

That must have sounded pathetic because Katya definitely knows something is wrong. It’s unfair, really, how Katya can see right through her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She doesn’t want to talk about it. But she does, SHE DOES want to talk about it. “Kati,” she says slowly. She pauses. And Katya waits. Quite uncharacteristically patient and unmoving. “I need…” She takes a deep breath. “Please don’t make me say it out loud.”

Katya’s confused. She really doesn’t have patience for this right now. Alaska’s bad mood is contagious. “I’m not making you do anything, Alaska.”

Alaska thinks she would never have to tell Katya this. They’re friends, really great friends, and it’s amazing. Alaska even thinks she replaced Ginger as Katya’s best friend. She doesn’t know when it happened but this friendship, this warmth in her chest, is suddenly dense and heavy with feelings that she knows aren’t just for friends. It’s like Katya crawled her way into Alaska’s heart and made a home there. And tonight, Alaska is suddenly forced to open this floodgate. She is faced with the need to open herself to these feelings and just be true to herself. Because she really doesn’t need to see Katya flirting with everybody. She doesn’t need to see Katya STEALING. WILLAM’S. TRADE. In front of her. She doesn’t need that. Not when she’s already deep in this rabbit hole. Yes, Katya may not reciprocate. Because she never knows with Katya. And that’s not okay, she thinks. But it will be. It should be. They should be able to still remain friends.

It doesn’t help that Katya is just there, smoking her third cigarette, letting Alaska gather her thoughts. She’s quiet and Alaska isn’t used to a quiet Katya. Not when they’re around each other. “You really don’t have to tell me anything,” she repeats. “I can see that something’s bothering you but I won’t push. I can give you a hug if you need a hug or space if you need that.”

And Alaska knows that. But she has to get this off her chest. She looks Katya straight in the eyes. Katya senses that whatever Alaska wants to say is coming so she shifts her body to face her head on. “Kat — Brian.” She drops Alaska’s inflections. “You are the BEST human. Ever. And I like you way more than anybody, even myself. I really like you. You, Brian. And not just as a friend.” Alaska wants to stop but the words keep on coming. “If I don’t see you or talk to you, I get curious. I get worried. If you’re sad, I get upset. When you smile, when you laugh, it makes me happy. It drives me crazy. And maybe that’s bordering on love. I don’t know. But I really need you to stop flirting with everything that moves. Because I really want to kiss you. And I NEED you to like me back.”

Katya’s gathering her thoughts. She looks at Alaska skeptically as she stubs her cigarette. “Did you really mean that?”

Alaska looks a little offended. “You really think I’d pour my heart out like that if I didn’t mean it?”

Katya is silently looking at her. “THUNDERFUCKER!” This makes Alaska laugh. “I thought I was imagining things!” Katya shakes her head and turns to walk away but comes back quickly. “I’ve been trying to convince myself that there’s really nothing between us. That the shift in dynamic—“

But Alaska cuts her off. “This nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.”

“Ha! You’ve Got Mail! You’re such a girl!” They both laugh. And it takes them a minute to calm down. Katya takes Alaska’s hand. “I really want to kiss you, too,” she confesses. But she doesn’t move. She’s letting Alaska take the lead.

Alaska raises a brow and takes a step forward. She’s just gathered enough courage to kiss Katya when the van door opens to show a very pissed off Willam. “Let’s go! We’ve been waiting for you bitches forever!” she screams before slamming the van door shut.)

Alaska wakes up with Katya draped over her. She’s awake but Alaska tries as hard as possible to sleep in for as long as possible. Traveling does take a toll on the body. And honestly, she can feel the age settling in. It’s difficult for them to sleep in. They’re just naturally early risers, despite the late nights. “I’m so happy you’re back,” Katya says as she kisses Alaska’s neck when she realizes she’s awake too.

There are things that Alaska are certain of — That she has a warm bed to fall into at night although it’s not her own on most nights. That she’s got enough money to keep her comfortable. That she has a caring and somewhat overbearing family. That she’s got friends and sister queens who redefine loyalty, who love her in ALL her forms — tantrums or otherwise.

And Katya. At one point, she didn’t know what to make of her. She remembers Tatianna commenting on All Stars that Katya is very quiet but also really out there. Everyone in the room agreed. Including her. She still thinks Katya is an amalgamation of contradictions. But there is something so sure, so solid, about her. About them.

Katya starts to get up but Alaska pulls her in closer, “Don’t move, you’re warm.” And there it is. The warmth. She just wants to bask in the light that came off Katya because it’s warm and it’s good and it’s enough. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be cold anymore.

#rpdr fanfiction #katya zamolodchikova #alaska thunderfuck #domestic fluff #katlaska #atresia #canon compliant

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migleefulmoments · 5 years

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I'm from SC and to be fair, it's the Palmetto state. I'd feel like it'd be pretty easy to act like SC palms are LA palms. It's so weird to me that they use her as a source, nothing she says can be backed up or validated? Doesn't she claim to be a PR insider, or something like that? Why would she live on the opposite coast, in SC of all places

That’s an interesting tidbit-something I hadn’t considered.

No, her posts were never backed up with proof- she never provided enough information to make it possible to vet her posts. Here are a few from the last week of March 29-31, 2017. These are literally all the post that she wrote for that period- aka this is the the information her followers were getting except for a thread about Ben that I left out and the reblogs.

Nomie party (X)

You did????? When? Was I annoyingly perky or in professional mode??

That’s freaking awesome. We must have lunch.

Didn’t post the ask cause that was too many details on that party. 😂😂 already been in trouble thanks.

Glad I’m not the only one that thought he is an ass.

Anonymous asked:

You are gloating aren't you?

Who me? I would never……😇😇😇😇😇

Yeah okay maybe a little. 😈😈😈😈😈

Anonymous asked:

Just being nosey...what are you gloating about?

I might have overheard some of the highlights to a certain article and had mentioned them. The nomie didn’t believe me. 😁 guess they do now.

Anonymous asked:

Thoughts on the recent posts of the sock acct?

She seems like she has had a meltdown. Maybe she is high? Honestly not being funny here.

She is all over the place. One minute she is deleting. One minute saying his Fandom is over, another saying let’s be friends and nice to everyone no matter the ships, then next raging at everybody. Deleting even her favorite responders comment’s…

All this while insisting she isn’t able to be online. 😑😑

Anonymous asked:

You have overheard the lea's article??

More like… at the right party at the right time.

Anonymous asked:

I wonder where m is? And what's happening in the next couple days.

Couldnt tell you.

I mean in in La and in hollywood right now working. (Well not today I had a free day)

we hear different things here. Pr talk is a bit different here. Its kind of like…. everyone knows stuff. But it different than what or wants you to know. So I couldn’t even begin to answer what GA folks are being fed.

Anonymous asked:

You have overheard the lea's article??

More like… at the right party at the right time.

Anonymous asked:

When did you see them out? Details

Can’t really say where I was as it included what I was doing and with whom. But it was here after the first of the year

****************************************************************

These are typical posts she would make about her personal life- cryptic, over-the-top and full of BS. She claimed at the time that she was staying at the home of some uber-wealthy guy who was letting her stay there with the roomies and she had permission to take his BMW anytime she wanted- but she never did-she took Uber and posted about her favorite Uber driver. She claimed she was an working actress and model for Fenty among other companies. She had an IG which was full of Fashion Nova posts where she called herself an actress, model and influencer.

La chronicles day… I think I just live here now.

Feeling better yeah!!!!

On the list of things I never thought I’d say with such enthusiasm..

“I fought the housekeeper and won!!”

Aka I made dinner and it is full of veggies.

Because apparently some men don’t understand that I’m not 99% muscle

😑😑😑 they are acting like I demanded they be drawn and quartered. Eat the damn veggies you big babies.

Side note, you know that heifer glared at me, sighed and mumbled under her breath that I would mess up her kitchen. Bite me lady.

la life

eat the damn veggies

veggies won't kill you

Legit conversation that happened at lunch

Background. Met the rookmies 😄😄 (this just tickles me) for a late lunch before my shoot. As I’m sitting at the table waiting for them… cue ego tripping hetero male who apparently thought he was gods gift to manhood. (I didn’t get the memo) . He will hence forth be called male chauvinist jackass or Mcj for short …….

Mcj: hi babe, how you doing… Me: 😐 Mcj: I said hi babe how’s you?….

Me: I heard you I was just waiting for you to say hi miss or hello ma'am or something. Mcj: whatever. This seat taken (as he sits down)

Fill in pointless small talk. Me mostly using one word answers.

Me: yes actually Mcj: whatever so I was thinking, you me dinner then maybe head back to my place, watch a movie….

Me: no thank you. Mcj: babe, come on now, don’t you know who I am? Me: no, should I?

Mcj: why yeah I’m on tv. Me: so? I’ve been on tv and will be again.. your point?

Cue more pointless small talk me just nodding. At some point the rookies show up and are headed over to the table. And I point them out.

Mcj: look so I’m doing you a solid, you can go far being attached to me, so ditch the gay boy band. and let’s go.

This mofo actually pulls out my chair and takes my arm.

………

So what did I learn this evening?

1). 5 inches wedge heels apparently hurt like a bitch on ones instep. 2). Apparently some dudes think this is cute. 3). Don’t piss off the gay boy band, any one of them can kick your butt and not break a sweat. 4 ). Telling a woman to get a real job after I mention why I was busy that evening is probably not the way to get a date. 5) all of the above behavior is not the way to get a date.

I’ve totally summed this up. But for the first time I was able to project anger in photos 😂😂😂 usually I have problems going there lol.

la life

some dudes are idiots

So break in the shoot for some entertainment.

Overheard conversation

“Sandra…. sandra. Bring the butt pads.”

“The lifters or the volume?”

“She has lift, bring the volume” Then heard mumbled “ she’s black… how does she have a white chick ass? She has boobs for days but no ass.”

Then… you realize sandra is walking towards yours truly.

Well ya can thank my German ancestors for that one. Don’t blame me the stylist put me in this maxi dress.

Oy vey………

la life

I'm not bad I'm drawn that way

La premorning gameshow

When your sitting in hair and makeup, wondering if you think they think you can breathe through osmosis.

Omfg. Could you have picked a tighter pair of jeans?

I’m not exactly sitting … more like reclining with style.

FYI deserts before the sun comes up… are cold as heck. Holy crap. 😜😜😜

Ugh. La chronicles .. . time to catch up .

Paying for those two days off. Make up time. Shoot before the Crack of dawn (and i do mean before the crack of dawn) and one this evening.

la life

Busy busy.

Okay soooooooko Goes from cold to….. let’s melt you skin off. 😂

On the plus side. Done til 5pm and I get to do it all over again.

Beach side this time whooo hooo.

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welcometothepenumbra · 5 years

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JUNO STEEL AND THE STOLEN CITY (PART ONE)

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra. Take your seat, please, take your seat.

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

The junction lies just ahead, Traveler. If you’ll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

(CHUCKLES) Well, next stop? Hyperion City.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

A month is a very long time to stake out, but Detective Steel is nothing if not dedicated to his job. And so he sits on a rooftop, day after day, watching the Museum of Colonized History, waiting to see the gangster who is supposed to pay for a killing here, and absolutely nothing has happened.

Until today. Suddenly, the month of quiet has given way, and threats old and new are jumping out of every shadow. But when the metaphorical and literal Martian rain are both 90% acid, Detective Steel had better find cover, and quickly.

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES. DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

Our next stop: Juno Steel and the Stolen City.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): If you get up early enough and you catch it in just the right light, Hyperion City can be sorta beautiful. The billboards backlit by the early morning light, the dew-spackled trashcans, the sunrise shadows cast by highscrapers and floating mansions… it’s really somethin’. And every time I see it I wish I was dead.

My name’s Juno Steel. I’m a private eye, and I usually don’t see any side of the city that comes earlier than noon, but, lately I’ve been changing things up. Seeing a lot of sunrises. Drinking a lot of coffee. Saying no to old habits like sleep and… no, pretty much just sleep.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

RAMSES O’FLAHERTY (FROM COMMS): Juno. Status report.

JUNO: Oh, hey Ramses, it’s… been a big three hours since four AM, got some real exciting stuff to catch you up on.

RAMSES: Glad to hear it. You’ve only been staking out for, what? A month? (CHUCKLES)

JUNO (NARRATOR): I’d been following a lead for weeks on someone who was trying to sabotage Ramses O’Flaherty. And it all pointed here: the Museum of Colonized History, so far on the outskirts of Hyperion City that the building’s roof had to be rounded just to fit on the inside of the Dome. Even here, the buildings were jammed tight enough together you didn’t have room to breathe – and it was at this museum, under the cover of all that sprawl, where I’d supposedly catch a one-eared woman doing some shady business. Which you’d think would be pretty exciting. It sounds exciting, doesn’t it? But what it actually translates to is sitting on a rooftop from early morning to late night, watching a museum all day, every day, until you get so bored you wonder how hard you’d have to pull to take your toes off.

MUSIC: ENDS.

RAMSES: Are you listening? Do I need to get you a cybernetic ear to go along with that eye? I asked if you’d seen any sign of Yasmin Swift’s employer yet.

JUNO: Nope. But my foot fell asleep and I’m bored out of my goddamn mind. That’s the status report. Now entertain me before I take the ‘stir’ out of ‘stir crazy.’

RAMSES: Entertain you? Well, I suppose I’m already the city’s clown. Why not be Juno Steel’s, too?

JUNO: Oh, come on. It’s not that bad.

RAMSES: Not that bad. Would you like me to read this headline to you? Molly Chung, Uptown Bulletin: “Opinion: Ramses O’Flaherty’s Campaign Is As Old And Stale As He Is.”

JUNO: That’s just one—

RAMSES: Hyperion Chronicle: “Study: Pilot Pereyra’s Increased Funding to HCPD Doubles Prison Population, Halves Crime Rate.” That study is just so incredibly inaccurate, by the way. The Beacon: “Treasurer Insists O’Flaherty’s Budget Won’t Balance, Quote, ‘No Matter What Math Says.’” Elysium Times—

JUNO: Okay, okay, so it’s pretty bad. (SIGHS) Explains how Pilot won so many damn elections, anyway. Takes a lot of skill to smear your opponent without getting your hands dirty.

RAMSES: Oh, their strategy is a lot more impressive than that. Everyone knows Pilot’s a crook – but they’ve changed the conversation so that’s a plus. If we’re going to live in a city full of cutthroats, the reasoning goes, we should at least have a cutthroat on our side, too. That’s been their platform for years: the world doesn’t play fair, so why should we?

JUNO: Well, at least nobody’s tried to kill you lately.

RAMSES: Always be grateful for the little things, yes. I wouldn’t rest on those laurels just yet, though – whoever this is, if they’re after my campaign and not just me, their biggest strike will come at the eleventh hour. They still have four days before the election.

JUNO: Guess that means I don’t get to leave this goddamn roof, then. Which is fine, but I guess I just didn’t know doing good would look so much like doing nothing.

RAMSES: Juno…

Nevermind. Your physicals say your knife wound is healing. Are you, ehm… making progress in your physical therapy? They must have given you stretches, or something like that?

JUNO: Yeah, well… doesn’t mean I do ‘em.

RAMSES: You should. It’s not like you have anything better to do up there. You could at least make use of the care I pay for. I have to protect my investment.

JUNO: Yeah, I read about that. The cyber-eye is hooked up to my nervous system, so if my brain function stops, it stops. That’s a lot of creds down the drain.

RAMSES: I didn’t mean the Theia.

We’ve been working together for some time now, Juno. I truly hope that– by which I mean, I hope you don’t think that I merely think of you as… uh, well…

JUNO: Wait, Ramses – hold that thought.

RAMSES: Oh, thank God.

JUNO: I see someone.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Down in the alley by the museum… the woman with one ear! The Piranha.

JUNO (NARRATOR): She’d gotten away from me once, and I wasn’t gonna forget that. The Piranha, who’d nearly killed Maia King. The Piranha, who was all sharp teeth and a need to bite. If she was behind this, I thought, that would explain the methods used to go after Ramses so far. Roasting roller-coasters and killer criminal consultants seemed like the right kind of over-the-top from the mind that brought you the cat-bomb.

It took everything I had in me not to go down and get her right then. But sometimes you need bait. And sometimes that means leaving a piranha on the line in hopes you’ll catch a whale.

RAMSES: Well? What’s she doing?

JUNO: Just waiting around, it looks like, but… why?

SOUND: CAR DRIVES UP.

Hang on, a car just pulled up. Someone’s leaning out, it’s…

Uh… uh, Ramses?

RAMSES: Juno.

JUNO: You’re not gonna believe this.

RAMSES: You and your buildups. This had better be worth it.

JUNO: It’s Mayor Pereyra.

SOUND: DISTANT CAR DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS.

Mayor Pilot Pereyra is doing back-alley business with a killer, and I caught them red-handed.

RAMSES: Well. That was worth it.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Pilot Pereyra, Mayor of Hyperion City for four years running, was famous for their stiletto heels. They had a new pair in a new hideous color every week, and Pilot made killings off of ‘em. Both in the literal sense – just ask Sal Barone, found floating in Mars’s orbit with two of Pilot’s heels jammed into his throat – and in the financial sense – like how for a year after, every crime boss in Hyperion paid Pilot hand over fist for a pair like the one that killed Barone. Because Pilot Pereyra didn’t just organize crime: as mayor, they defined it. And if this was the whale the Piranha was gonna bring in… hell, maybe her getting away had been a good thing after all.

RAMSES: You’ve undergone the modifications to the Theia’s Rec Mode, haven’t you?

JUNO: ‘Course I have. I skipped physical therapy last week to do it. Theia, Rec Mode.

THEIA: Rec mode. Activated. Two hours of video storage. Remaining.

JUNO: That’s more like it!

THEIA: Error: Wireless uplink not found. Cannot transmit footage—

JUNO: What kind of low-rent eye did you get me, O’Flaherty?

THEIA: —Please connect to a physical uplink.

RAMSES: One day you’ll think of the Theia like your first car, Juno: all these quirks will just be part of its character. You’ll connect to a physical uplink later.

JUNO: And where the hell does that go?

THEIA: Caution: you don’t want to know.

JUNO: Fine, fine! Just zoom in, already.

THEIA: Zooming in.

SOUND: MECHANICAL WHIR.

JUNO: Damn it, they’re not even looking at each other. It’s like a junior high dance down there. If I could just hear what they’re saying…

THEIA: Suggestion: would you like me to activate. Lip reading protocol?

JUNO: Uhhh… s-sure… if you got a minute.

THEIA: Lip reading protocol. Activated.

SOUND: FUTURISTIC TECH-Y NOISES.

Compiling approximations of voices based on throat movement, infrared analysis, and audio recordings on public record.

SOUND: DING.

Application complete. You’re welcome.

SOUND: BEEP.

PILOT PEREYRA: Interested is definitely one word for it. It’s not every day that an employee tries to become a business partner. So. How much is it going to cost for that information to become my personal property?

PIRANHA: Oh, info’s been free for years, Mayor Pereyra. Information proliferates, see? Doubles, triples, and that don’t cost a dime. So the price ain’t on the info: that’s a gift. The price is on me applying that info for you, and that, well, that’s gonna cost a little more than you got on hand, I’m thinking.

PEREYRA: You’d be surprised how much I can get how quickly.

PIRANHA: (CHUCKLES) This is worth more. Used right, this little legend could be worth more than the whole damn city. And it could fit just right into your next big move. I just want to get in on the ground floor, see? Nothing wrong with that.

PEREYRA: (LAUGHING) Oh, buddy, I think you’re a little confused about what’s going on here.

JUNO: Whoa. Ramses, Mayor Pereyra just pulled a gun on her I– I think. It’s just a bulge in their coat, but… how long has that been there?

Uh-oh.

PEREYRA: What is it now?

JUNO: Theia, zoom in.

SOUND: MECHANICAL WHIR.

Big guy, brown jacket, standing under a lamppost. I think he might be watching me.

RAMSES: Of course. It makes sense that Pilot would have someone covering them.

JUNO: Well, they’ll have to wait. I still don’t have what I need.

RAMSES: Juno…

JUNO: Theia, lip reading again.

SOUND: BEEP.

PEREYRA: The payment’s a gift. Either you’re stepping away from this, or I’m pushing you off. Up to you, really.

PIRANHA: Oh, scary Mayor Pereyra, please don’t. (LAUGHS) I know you like to make inconvenient people disappear. That’s why I’ve made myself as convenient as possible. A luxury you can’t live without, see? Like air conditioning. Or those grocery carts that push themselves. (LAUGHS)

PEREYRA: Just remember who works for who, okay? I’ve got the entire HCPD in my pocket, and that means, I know how often little administrative mistakes happen. Real stupid things, like, uh, putting someone in solitary and losing their papers. Shuffling someone into the life-sentence pile when you meant to put them in the parking-ticket pile. Little stuff.

PIRANHA: I get it. Play nice or get off the court. Easy enough.

So what’s the plan? When do we do the job?

PEREYRA: Preparations are all set. You’ll be in there. Midnight.

JUNO: Midnight tonight?! …Ramses, they’re going to hit the Museum of Colonized history tonight!

…Ramses?

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

THEIA: Caution: your comms has been. Disconnected.

JUNO: What?!

THEIA: Transmission interference detected.

JUNO: You’ve gotta be—

…kidding me.

JUNO (NARRATOR): There was another person on the roof with me. They were over by the fire escape I’d used to climb up here hours ago. For a second all I could do was wonder how the hell they’d gotten up from the street so fast… until I realized it wasn’t the same person I saw down there. Brown coat, sure, but where the other was broad-shouldered and looked like somebody I might want to buy me a drink or two, this one was thinner, flightier, and more nervous. They were making a big point of not looking at me, scraping something off one shoe with the other, checking their watch, looking at the dome flickering overhead, trying to look… casual? I think? There was a bulge in their coat that might’ve been a comms jammer. Or a gun. Or a whole lot of other unpleasant things.

THEIA: Target is fifty feet away. Recommended course of action: blaster fire.

JUNO: You got real chatty after that update.

THEIA: Target. Approaching.

JUNO: I’m not gonna shoot ‘em, alright? Just keep translating what Pereyra’s saying. They’re getting to the good part and then I can get out of here.

SOUND: BEEP.

PEREYRA: All security in there’s got a panic button for instant lockdown, but, so long as you don’t get seen, there’s nothing wrong with a late-night visit to the museum.

So you’ve got the codex, huh? How many square miles does that thing cover?

PIRANHA: The whole city. (CHUCKLES) That’s a lot of information, Pilot. If we get it.

PEREYRA: When we get it. You have to visualize. You have to believe.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I couldn’t help it – hearing those footsteps, feeling my heart race: I glanced over my shoulder.

THEIA: Target is fifteen feet away.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The distance was bad – but it wasn’t the distance that made my blood run cold. It was what I saw on their chest as they pulled their lapel back.

THEIA: Firearm detected.

JUNO (NARRATOR): No, wasn’t that either. It was the thing right underneath the gun: a badge, with the letters HCPD shining on it.

And that was bad. Because to the dirty cops in the HCPD – so, most of ‘em – Pilot Pereyra was their ringleader. If I threatened Pilot, the cops wouldn’t bother with a trial. They’d pretty much go straight to the chair. Not the electric one, just one they’d shoot me in.

The cop had stopped pretending not to see me now. They pulled the gun.

VOICE: Freeze!

THEIA: Calculating distance to next rooftop.

VOICE: If you’re waiting for backup, you’re not gonna get it. I have this area checked. You’re alone.

JUNO: Nope, not waiting for backup.

THEIA: Next rooftop is within. Jumping distance.

JUNO: Just stalling on this next part, ‘cause I’m gonna hate it. Bye!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

VOICE: Hey! Get back here! I said freeze!

THEIA: For optimal timing, jump in three… two… one…

JUNO: (SCREAMS)

SOUND: THUD.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It was a beautiful flight. It was a beautiful landing. And, just to finish the set: the cop made a beautiful shot.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT.

JUNO: (GRUNTS)

VOICE: (DISTANT, FADING) Crazy idiot, jumping that far – don’t move! Not that you can! Oh, what a day, what a day, get a call from my landlord, now this…

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: SLAP.

VOICE: Wake up.

I said wake up.

SOUND: SLAP. DISTANT MUSIC.

JUNO: Wow, this alarm is annoying. You mind hitting snooze for me?

SOUND: SLAP.

Ow! Ow, okay, I’m up.

VOICE: About time. And if you want to stay awake, you’ll tell me what you know.

JUNO: I… don’t want to stay awake – that’s kind of what I just said.

VOICE: What? Don’t question my threats!

SOUND: SLAP.

JUNO: Wow, you got a lot of slaps in you, huh? This pretty much your whole playbook for interrogations, or can I expect some surprises?

VOICE: You want surprises, huh? Hm, I’ll get you some surprises…

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I wanted them off me for a second so I could get my bearings. I was tied to a chair in a room with concrete walls, cold, damp air, tools hanging from hooks across from me. My first thought was medieval torture chamber. My correct thought, a few seconds later, was suburban basement.

When the cop was on their way back, I got a look at the name on their uniform. “L-T L-O-O,” it said. Lieutenant Loo. Never heard of ‘em.

SOUND: DISTANT, MUFFLED VOICES.

VOICE (LOO): So, now that I’m prepared… do I have to send a laser through your head, or are you going to tell me what I want to hear?

JUNO: You’re a natural-born leader and that eyeshadow looks great on you.

LOO: What?

JUNO: Do you all wear coats like that? Yours looks a little nicer than your buddy’s on the street, but I—

LOO: Coats? My buddy on the str– what are you talking about?

JUNO: If you don’t know? Nothin’.

LOO: But—

JUNO: So what were you doing on that roof, anyway? Funny place to take a walk.

LOO: I was gonna ask you the same thing.

JUNO: Not very original of you.

LOO: It was my plan first!

You’re the one tied to the chair! Why am I answering the questions?

JUNO: I don’t know. Why are you?

LOO: Low self-esteem and a natural tendency to follow orders– oh, damn it! (GROANS) Look. I know you were watching Mayor Pereyra. What did you see?

JUNO: No idea what you’re talking about.

SOUND: SLAP.

Ow! Slaps? Again? You’re holding a gun!

LOO: Shut up! Tell me what you saw!

SOUND: SLAP.

JUNO: Ow, quit it!

LOO: Not til you tell me what you…

That looks like a cybernetic eye. You didn’t record anything, did you?

JUNO (NARRATOR): The hardest part of any interrogation is the balancing of information: figuring out how much the other person knows, how much they want to know, how much you know, how much you can make them think you know, and, most importantly, how little you can make them think you know.

LOO: So? Did you?

JUNO: Yeah, what’s it to you? Since when has recording people without their permission been a crime?

LOO: Send me the footage. Now.

JUNO: Rather not.

LOO: Send me that footage, or I pull the trigger.

SOUND: GUN COCKING.

JUNO: Not gonna help you any. Eye’s worked into my brain – that’s how it does all these weird things like make me shoot faster and speed up my reflexes and give me this one dream over and over again where I’m falling into a giant birthday cake that has my mother’s voice. You kill me, and all the data on it gets scrambled.

LOO: Just send me the footage, then.

JUNO: Love to, once we get to the station. Why didn’t you bring me to the station, anyway? I mean, this is a nice basement, but still. How’re the kids?

LOO: The what?

JUNO: You’ve got half a dozen sand-sleds up against the wall over there. I can tell at least three of your kids are little because one, those mittens are tiny and adorable, and two, all the left ones are missing.

LOO: Those aren’t… I-I’m not…

JUNO: Taking your dirty cop business into your home, huh? Pilot Pereyra covers your boots in mud and you track it all inside?

LOO: Mayor Pereyra? But I wasn’t—

JUNO: The hell are your kids gonna think of you, Loo? Embarrassing. A train wreck.

LOO: Oh! This isn’t my house!

SOUND: DISTANT, MUFFLED CRYING.

Damn it, now look what you made me do!

JUNO: You’re a cop who breaks into people’s basements for interrogations? What’s wrong with you?

SOUND: DISTANT DOOR OPENS. CRYING GETS LOUDER.

CAPTAIN KHAN: (DISTANT) Loo! What the hell is goin’ on down there?

LOO: (YELPS) Captain Khan! I-I-I-I didn’t mean—

SOUND: DOOR SLAMS SHUT. STOMPING FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: Captain… Khan?

KHAN: You done questioning him yet? You show up at my apartment with someone in a damn duffel bag and then you wake the baby?!

Oh, no. No, no– d-agh, God damn it, it’s you!

JUNO (NARRATOR): Omar Khan was a good guy – and that’s why he’s one of the only cops in Hyperion City that I never wanted to deal with. The other ones you could punch all you wanted and never feel bad about it, but Khan… was clean. And that meant I had to play nice, or else…

Nothing, okay? I’d just feel bad. I liked Khan. He was a good cop. He became the Captain of my old precinct after I left and he’d really turned the place around, or… so I heard. And that meant the world was a better place with him in it. Or whatever. Ugh.

Also probably worth saying that Khan didn’t feel the same way about me.

KHAN: Loo, you moron! You didn’t tell me the Nosy Nanette you brought in was Juno goddamn Steel!

LOO: Am I supposed to know who this is?

KHAN: Oh, right. You’re new.

JUNO: Come on, Loo. Didn’t anybody ever tell you that the first thing you’re supposed to do at a new job is catch up on the old gossip?

KHAN: We can’t trust a goddamn word Steel here says! Didn’t anyone tell you about the Hijikata case?

LOO: The… what? Please?

KHAN: You got spaghetti in those ears, Loo? Don’t they teach you curiosity in diaper-school anymore? Captain Hijikata! Of the one-five-one, our goddamn precinct! It was the case of the damn decade and this walking pile of nitroglycerin decided to—

JUNO: We really don’t need to get into the details, thanks.

KHAN: We can’t trust him. Especially when it comes to taking down someone reeeally big. Steel’s a glory-pig. Honor-hound. Wh-whatever. Anyway, why’s he here? You said this had something to do with our op?

JUNO: ‘Course it does, Captain. I’m gonna help you take down somebody really big.

KHAN: What?!

LOO: Uh… he’s telling the truth, Captain Khan. He— (GULPS) …saw the meeting.

KHAN: And where the hell were you?!

LOO: Seeing him… seeing the meeting.

Traffic was really bad and I got a call I had to take I’m sorry.

KHAN: God damn it! After months we finally get someone on the inside with Pereyra just to get the details on this meeting and you missed it because you were on the comms?! How the hell are we gonna pin them now? You got another sting ready to go, Loo? Do you? In the next four goddamn days?!

JUNO: So that’s what all this is? A sting to catch Pilot?

KHAN: Of course it is! The hell do you think we are, some kinda sneaky-sneak on-the-take-takers? No way. We’re— (COUGHING) We’re the good cops.

JUNO: …There are… only two of you.

KHAN: ‘Course there aren’t only two of us, blockhead! There are– I don’t know, four or five, at least.

LOO: Captain, there are more than five—

KHAN: Well, I’ve never counted, alright? Maybe you don’t give two ding-dongs about doing the right thing, Steel, but some of us are busy trying to make the world a little better! We’ve been tailing Pereyra for months, and I’m not gonna let you get in my way.

JUNO: Not planning on it, Captain.

KHAN: Oh. That’s– nice.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, uh… did you see what they were talking about?

JUNO: Yeah.

KHAN: You wanna tell us?

JUNO: Nah.

KHAN: I knew it! You weasel! You skink! You… momonga!

JUNO: Don’t know what’s got you so upset, Khan. I wasn’t lying. I’m not gonna stand in your way – I’m just not gonna say anything unless I get to come along for the ride.

KHAN: What?!

LOO: There might be one way around it, Captain. He said he recorded it all. On his… eye.

KHAN: On his…!

…on his eye. Hmmmm.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Hey, look at that. You didn’t have that last time I saw you. Where’d you get it, Steel?

JUNO: Left my real eye under my pillow and the eyeball fairy dropped it off.

KHAN: Doing something illegal is my guess. For one of your usual business partners. Valles Vicky, Clark the Shark, Cecil Kanagawa… something that’d leave a trail, I’ll bet.

JUNO: You’re close enough that your mustache is leaving a trail into my mouth, Khan. Back off.

KHAN: (GROWLS)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Lieutenant!

LOO: Yes, sir!

KHAN: I want as much data as you can get on everyone Steel’s talked to for the past three weeks. Pull from Security Office databanks, private camera feeds, everything. How long’d that take you?

LOO: About two days, sir.

KHAN: Meanwhile I want you to get Goren to look into that eye: make, model, most importantly, how to pull the data out of the damn thing. Tell her she has a day and a half.

LOO: Yes, sir!

KHAN: Ha-ha! You hear that, Steel? We got you this time. Either you tell us what you saw, or in two days, we’ll know.

JUNO: Y’know, Khan, I got to hand it to you: that’s pretty impressive. Two days is fast.

KHAN: You bet your booper it is.

JUNO: But not fast enough to make it in time for Pereyra’s heist tonight.

KHAN: …What’d he just say?

LOO: I think he said… that Mayor Pereyra’s gang is going to do a heist tonight.

JUNO: At midnight, specifically.

LOO: At midnight, specifically.

KHAN: Yeah, yeah, I heard him.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Poor Khan looked like a balloon with all the air let out. Or, maybe just a balloon that was depressed. And that meant I was playing the interrogation game right. I’d given them just enough info to make them think I knew more – to make them want to work with me. And sure, I didn’t actually know more; but so long as they didn’t ask for anything else, that never had to be a problem.

KHAN: No, no no, wait, you know what – I don’t buy it. You could’ve just made that up. Might not know a damn thing, could’ve just made up some heist tonight to get us going. No. I think we’re gonna wait the two days. But thanks for the intel.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Well, so much for “not a problem.”

But interrogation’s like a high-stakes card game, and that means there are two ways to win. Either you actually get a good hand… or you bluff. Last card game I played like this, I wasn’t the one bluffing.

Wasn’t alone, either.

But no matter what I wanted, I was alone now. So I played my last card… and I bluffed.

JUNO: It’s in the Museum. Pilot told their gang to hit the Museum of Colonized History at midnight tonight and I know what they’re gonna steal.

LOO: Huh?!

KHAN: Huh. That’s… specific.

And if it’s supposedly tonight, it’s not like we’d have to wait long to find out if he’s lying.

LOO: But the Museum of Colonized History is huge, Captain! If it’s just the two of us, how can we be sure we’re going to check the right part? While we’re in the North Wing, the mayor’s gang could be robbing the South Wing.

JUNO: Captain, look. I know you’ve got a million reasons not to trust me on this. I know my reputation’s not exactly sparkling, and one time I tried to steal classified evidence off your desk, and later that same day I handcuffed you to a car, which was very funny, but also very wrong, probably.

KHAN: Steel—!

JUNO: And I know you probably have a million good reasons to take Pilot down and I might only have one but it’s a pretty damn good one, so I just. Need. To be there. Tonight. …Okay?

KHAN: (GROWLS)

LOO: Captain. This close to the election, this might be our last chance. If we could just get one person from Mayor Pereyra’s gang to talk—

KHAN: Alright, alright, fine. I’ll babysit the P.I. You happy?

JUNO: I’m happy.

KHAN: But listen up, Steel. When I’ve got the scent of something big, you’d better not get in my way. You try it, I’ll show you just how scary Omar Khan can get. Got me?

SOUND: DISTANT DOOR OPENS.

VOICE: Omar! We just got another one of those letters from the landlord! Do you want me to open it, or—

KHAN: Damn it, Noor, I told you I’m doing business down here!

VOICE (NOOR): Oh, do you have some friends over? Did you ask them if they want some pasta?

KHAN: I said we’re busy!

NOOR: Omar! What kind of a host are you! You drag them into the basement, let them make all this noise, wake the baby—

KHAN: ALRIGHT, FINE!

Do either of you want pasta?

(SIMULTANEOUSLY) LOO: No thank you. JUNO: I’m good.

KHAN: They don’t want pasta!

NOOR: What?

KHAN: I SAID THEY DON’T WANT PASTA!

Are you sure?

JUNO: Yeah, thanks, I’m all set—

LOO: Actually, I am a little hungry.

KHAN: Nevermind, I’ll come up and get two bowls in a minute, Noor! Thank you! I love you very much and I’m glad we’re working on our communication!

(PANTING) Ah– alright. So, like I said: all business, Steel. You’d better get used to that. First, farfalle; then, you and I take a little trip to the museum.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

JUNO (NARRATOR): In P.I. work, a real big lie is like a summer rainstorm: it comes on suddenly, it’s really hard to get out from under, and it’ll burn just all your skin off if you don’t get dry quick. Summer’s pretty rough on Mars.

I’d told a whopper of a lie back in Khan’s basement, and I’d gotten soaked before we ever made it to the museum. All it took was nine words, said while Loo was driving us:

KHAN: So where in the museum are they gonna hit?

JUNO: I, uh, told you, Khan, if I say that, you’ve got no reason to bring me.

KHAN: Yeah, whatever, keep your secrets if you want, I don’t care. But the Lieutenant at least needs to know which door to drop us off at.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The Museum of Colonized History is huge: blocks and blocks of dome prototypes and early terraforming pods and the mummified remains of the first space-colonists. If I picked a door at random, we’d miss the heist entirely, and there went my lead.

So what did I know? Not much. The Piranha shared some intel with Pilot, but it wasn’t enough on its own; there was something in here with information on it, and Pilot wouldn’t know how to read it without the Piranha.

One of the last things I’d picked up before Loo zapped me was a word: “codex.” A codex that covers the entire city. I had no idea what that meant, not yet, except for one thing: there was one wing of the Museum dedicated to things that covered the entire city.

KHAN: So? You’d better have something, Steel.

JUNO: The Hall of Maps. West entrance should get us there. Come on, Loo, you better speed this thing up; we don’t want to be late again.

LOO: I know, I know.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Loo dropped us off at the Hall of Maps at 11:30. We crawled through the window and crept past walls covered with old paper and flickering diodes, images of a thousand sprawling Marses measured and cut-up and categorized. There were maps from throughout the ages: before the telescope, before the terraforming pod, before the transgalactic travel engine.

It was beautiful, or whatever. But there was one thing that stuck out to me most of all:

JUNO: God, this place stinks.

KHAN: You get a free pass to the wonders of human progress and all you can think about is the smell?

JUNO: Yeah, basically. I hate that musty old hard drive stink. Just mold and motherboard-termites.

KHAN: It’s history, damn it! These are the maps that invented space colonization, Steel! You wouldn’t be here without ‘em!

JUNO: So that’s a con. Got any pros?

KHAN: (GROWLS) It’s not worth talking to a punk about the unpunkable. You couldn’t see the value of these maps if they reached out and tickled your whiskers.

JUNO: Anyway, why do you care? Aren’t you from Earth?

KHAN: (GROWLS)

JUNO: If you want history, Earth’s got thousands of years on literally anywhere else – you don’t have to travel thirty-four million miles to find history. People leave a mess everywhere they go.

KHAN: Sometimes a place means more than just itself. It’s an idea, or a promise, or… something. And even if that promise doesn’t get kept, it means you can go there and expect them to keep it. Demand they keep it. You know what I mean?

JUNO: I… huh, I-I do, actually, but, what promise—

KHAN: It’s like with my Little Mom. Made this curried lasagna every Tuesday for Big Mom. You do that long enough, it’s like a promise, right? Gotta keep a promise, or it goes bad. We’re all just like egg-noodles in the lasagna, skim milk in the sauce. Never should’ve thrown out that recipe.

JUNO: And hey, just like that, I lost you.

Found someone else, though. Hide!

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP.

VOICE 1: (DISTANT) Hallway B is clear. Moving on target.

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP.

KHAN: You get a good look at ‘em?

JUNO: It’s pitch black in here, Khan, of course I didn’t get a good look at ‘em.

THEIA: May I suggest. Night-vision mode.

JUNO: …Yet. Did not get a good look yet. Will in a second. Come on, follow them.

SOUND: SOFT ELECTRIC HUM.

THEIA: Night-vision mode. Activated.

JUNO: Looks like they’re armed, and… it’s hard to make anything else out from this far away.

KHAN: Gun sounds like a good reason to stay far away to me.

JUNO: Unless they’re one of the gang’s lookouts – then we can’t risk losing ‘em.

KHAN: Muh, alright. Then I guess we’ll just stay far away from close up.

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP.

JUNO: Wait, they stopped!

VOICE 1: Reporting in. Just heard a noise outside the First Light Room. I’m gonna go check it out.

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP.

JUNO: Damn it, damn it, damn it!

KHAN: Don’t get your petticoat in a twist just yet, Steel.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

Looks like our burglar oughta burgle some better ears. He’s walking away from us.

JUNO: He’s headed into that exhibit. Follow him.

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

VOICE 1: Didn’t find anything. Returning to group.

SOUND: WALKIE-TALKIE BEEP.

JUNO: You hear that? He’s going back!

KHAN: So?

JUNO: So we have to pick ‘em off one by one, don’t we? Learn what we can from each one, and then—

KHAN: Hang on. Something’s not right here.

What the hell are they trying to steal, exactly?

JUNO: I told you, I’m not gonna—

KHAN: —because you needed to come along, you said. Well, now you’re along. It sounds like we’re in the room they’re robbing.

JUNO: And while you’re wasting time, he’s gonna get away!

KHAN: So tell me, Steel. What are they stealing?

JUNO (NARRATOR): Sitting there in the dark, with Khan’s hand on my shoulder, all I could think about was that this was our moment and we were letting it pass us by. Because at the tail end of every failure case, there’s always one moment you can look back at and say to yourself, “I should have taken the shot.” A single mistake. A moment that you can beat yourself up about for years. Thinking about how if you’d just done it, if you’d just jumped when the time came to jump, it all would’ve worked out in the end.

Staring at that shadow in the doorway, I knew one thing: I wasn’t going to let this be that moment.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

KHAN: Steel, what– what the hell are you doing, Steel? Get back here!

JUNO (NARRATOR): “I’m not gonna look back at this and wish I’d done something,” I thought.

And I was right. Later I’d look back and wish I hadn’t done anything.

JUNO: Hmf!

VOICE 1: Oof!

SOUND: HEAVY THUD. RUSTLING.

JUNO: Alright, buddy, you’re gonna tell me what your gang is after, and you’re gonna tell me now.

KHAN: Steel, he’s reaching for something!

JUNO (NARRATOR): So I panicked.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT.

VOICE 1: (GRUNTS)

KHAN: …A gun? Where the hell did you get a—

When did you take my gun?!

SOUND: ALARM.

God damn it, what now?

PIRANHA: (DISTANT) Ugh, the alarm! Unless you want a laser through each of your thick skulls, you’re gonna find who hit that god damn alarm, see!

JUNO: Come on, we have to hide. We’ll let the Piranha clean up her own mess.

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

PIRANHA: Well? You see anybody?

PEREYRA: Hey there, no reason to get all excited. Looks like our party crasher just crashed.

KHAN: That voice… is that Mayor Pereyra?

JUNO (NARRATOR): It was. The Piranha. Two goons. And Pilot Pereyra.

What the hell were they doing here? Why the hell would a crime boss on Pilot’s level show up to their own heist?

It didn’t make sense. It didn’t make any sense.

KHAN: Oh, no. No way, no how.

JUNO: What?

KHAN: That fancy eye of yours make you soft in the cerebellum? Look at that gangster’s face! She doesn’t recognize that poor sucker you just knocked out!

PIRANHA: Well, well. Just who the hell are you?

PEREYRA: Looks like a museum security guard. And it sounds like he flipped quite the alarm.

PIRANHA: Damn it, I thought you said you knew the patrol schedule!

PEREYRA: Hey, Pilot Pereyra makes the trains run on time, but I never promised to make the guards do the same.

PIRANHA: (GROWLS) Alright. If that’s how you wanna play it… plan B. We’ll have to blow our escape plan, but—

PEREYRA: Leave the escape to me. Now. Show us how it’s done.

PIRANHA: Fine. Hey, you. What’s your name?

VOICE 2: His name’s Mike. He doesn’t talk.

PIRANHA: Good for him. Hold this comms, Mike. We’re gonna take a home movie.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The Piranha stepped closer to the guard I’d stunned.

And she pointed her gun right at his head.

SOUND: GUN COCKING.

The Piranha’s flashlight caught his badge and I saw his name and… I’d never unsee it again: Barton Pollock. Barton. Sounded like my brother’s name, if you thought it fast enough, if your mind was spinning around it. Bart to his friends, or Barty? Kids, husband, wife, friends?

I felt so sick that when Pilot stepped forward, hand up, I even let myself get hopeful for a second.

PEREYRA: Hey, hey now… let’s not rush in without thinking, alright?

PIRANHA: You said solve it my way, so I’m solving it my way, see? You have a problem?

PEREYRA: I do, actually.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Maybe they’ve got a soul after all, I thought. Maybe this city isn’t as bad off as I thought it was.

PEREYRA: Your blaster’s on stun. Better set it to kill – you can tell the difference on video.

JUNO (NARRATOR): That thought didn’t last long.

PIRANHA: Thanks, Mx. Mayor. Start rolling, Mikey.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEP.

Dear Museum of Colonized History Security Force, HCPD nightowls, late-night comms scanners and all other busybodies: we know right about now all you got blasted with a hell of an alarm from this exhibit, and we know you’d probably like to do something about it.

Well. Me and my associates invite you to consider a different option, see: we got about a half-dozen hostages here we was hoping to trade for clean getaway, but if any of you flash so much as a siren? Well. We might just have to do something to those good citizens. Something… like… this.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT.

JUNO: No way. No way, no way, no way…

KHAN: (GRUNTS)

PIRANHA: Your move, coppers. (CACKLES) We’ll call again in fifteen minutes. Cut the feed, Mikey.

SOUND: BEEP.

How’s that for style?

PILOT: Not bad. Just… make sure I don’t end up in frame.

PIRANHA: I’m a professional, ain’t I? Now let’s go check on the hostages – and our map.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

JUNO: I can’t believe… I can’t believe she killed him. While he was out cold. Khan, what do we do?

Captain?

KHAN: Never should’ve listened to you. Damn it, god damn it, I knew I should’ve waited. I knew it!

JUNO: What…?

KHAN: You don’t know a thing about this heist, do you? You didn’t know the guard. You didn’t know Pereyra was gonna be here. You knew a little, sure, enough to dupe me. But this was all just another Juno Steel lie, wasn’t it?

JUNO: The heist was tonight. So what if I didn’t know everything? You were gonna sit back and just let it happen.

KHAN: You think that guard’s kids care which of us was right?

I can’t even blame you. I’m the one who listened. I’m the one you took the gun from. Damn it, I should’ve waited. Damn it!

JUNO: Khan?

KHAN: Just shut up and give me my gun.

JUNO: …Okay.

KHAN: We rushed in, that’s the problem. And now we’re… here.

(CLEARS THROAT) But it’s not gonna happen again, Steel.

MUSIC: STARTS.

You hear me? From here, we do it the way we always shoulda: slow. And nobody dies anymore, you hear me?

JUNO: Slow? But Captain—

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Khan grabbed me by the coat and pulled me so close I could smell the pasta on his breath – and see his eyes twitching, wild. Scared.

KHAN: We do this by the book. And the book says nobody. Dies.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Khan was in the kind of mood right then that you don’t argue with, so I didn’t. Didn’t tell him what I thought: that I had no idea what book he was talking about, but any book that tells you nobody’s gonna die is lying. Because you can romanticize the past all you want; put it in a nice case with a tasteful little plaque next to it, but the fact is, that the book of time is written in blood. Elections, colonization, policework… you don’t get the fancy statues and the pretty maps without dropping a few bodies along the way. Which isn’t to say those people deserved to die, or that their killers deserved to live. Just, that history is only written by those who live long enough to write it.

Barton Pollock didn’t deserve to die.

Yasmin Swift didn’t deserve to die.

I can’t even swallow the idea that the Proctor deserved to die, not while there was a way around it. But the fact was that they were dead and I was alive, and that had been the price to get to this moment… for now.

I was sure it would cost more before we were done. It always did. The best I could hope to do was make sure the right person footed the bill… even if that meant paying up myself.

MUSIC: ENDS.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Kate Jones, Avi Meehan, and Joshua Ilon, and co-creator Sophie Kaner:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

SOPHIE: …Well I also think that, I’m sure, Joshua and Kate can, um, relate to… playing themselves. (LAUGHS)

KATE: What?

JOSHUA: I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.

AVI: Oh, can I say one more thing?

SOPHIE: Yeah!

AVI: Can I say one more thing? Can—

SOPHIE: Say two! Say three!

AVI: I think, another thing that was really exciting was, um I’m a non-binary hume [is this a word?], and getting the opportunity to play a non-binary character was sooo gosh-dang exciting for me, just because it’s sort of like, ‘alright, you’re small, you look kind of– you, you’re just a girl!’ And I’m like…

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Francie Liana, Charlie Spiegel, Minchowski, Lynné Herman, Jaimie Gunter, and the Princess and the Scrivener for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

This tale, Juno Steel and the Stolen City, was told by the following people: Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel, Elliot Sicard as Captain Omar Khan, Avi Meehan as Lieutenant Loo, Simon Moody as Mayor Pilot Pereyra, Sophie Kaner as the Piranha, Matthew Zahnzinger as Ramses O’Flaherty, and Kate Jones as Noor Khan.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Grahame Turner is our script editor. Noah Simes is our production manager. Alice Chung is our designer and financial manager. Original music by Ryan Vibert. Promotional art by Mikaela Buckley.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

#juno steel

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hardeepcox · 5 years

Text

The Chronicles of Hardeep Cox - Bangkok pt 1

Intro

Hi my name is Hardeep Cox, I may or may not be a guy born to an Indian mom and a white guy from Boston in the DMV area. Then again I may or may not be just an extremely immature adult with a ridiculous sense of humor. Quick warning: if you are easily offended then I suggest you just exit this shit right now and idk go watch cable tv or something.

I am writing this as we prepare for our first legit night out in Bangkok, as I and a dude named Paper awkwardly wait for my dad to finish showering so we can head out. Tonight’s destination is Above Eleven, but I’ll explain more later on. Let’s begin with our arrival.

Flight and Night 1

After about 20 hours of flying we met up with Paper, our guide/family friend (on my dad’s side). Paper picked us up from the airport and helped us hail a cab. My first impression of Bangkok when I stepped outside of the airport was that it seemed so similar to Los Angeles, I guess because of the weather and vegetation. Anyways, the cab dropped us off at the Doubletree where an enormous wooden figure of a football (soccer) sat in the lobby. To my unbelievable surprise, it turned out that Paper was actually going to be staying in the hotel room with us because he lives outside of the city (my dad of course manages to leave out important details like this when planning trips). Because of the timezone change we were hungry upon arrival, at 3 in the damn morning. So we did what any idiot American tourist would do, we went to 7 Eleven. I had to accept the fact that chili and cheese quarter pounders would no longer be an option, so I went with the spicy basil rice and fish sauce. I gotta say that it was pretty good, even though it was spicy as hell. After crushing my first meal in Thailand, we did our best to sleep for the next couple of hours.

Day 1

Sleep deprived but feeling ready to roll, we got ready and headed downstairs for breakfast. The buffet included the usual American stuff, sushi, dim sum, and some freshly made Thai dishes.The dim sum was by far my favorite, and today it was Chinese egg tarts.

We went to some Buddhist temples, hundreds of years old. There were so many Chinese tourists, and so many lame pictures being taken by them (sitting down in lotus position next to a statue of the Buddha, a chick looking dramatically and diagonally down at the floor while her boyfriend takes a picture for her instagram and you KNOW she’s gonna add some kind of bullshit philosophical caption to it). It was hard to get into the spiritual groove with all these tourists, and the only places where I could feel peace was in the praying rooms where I wish that I could have stayed longer. The best part was the Wat Phra Ram, literally the place where they filmed one of my favorite childhood movies Mortal Kombat. It was totally unexpected and spontaneous, the most interesting part about it was the dog that had managed to sneak up into the actual ruins and seemed to be searching for something at a calm pace. My pathetic attempts to whistle loud enough for the dog to hear me led me to run around the ruins hoping to catch a glimpse of it. I heard it howl a couple of times after that and I’ll always wonder why, maybe its spirit led it to the ruins to discover a link to a past life. Who knew I would have accidentally stepped into the Netherealm, but too bad I couldn't meet Raiden, Shang Tsung, and Liu Kang's dead brother (if you don't get this reference please find a time machine and go back in time to 1995, break into a Hollywood video, steal a copy of Mortal Kombat, watch it, go back into the time machine, return to the present time, and punch yourself in the fucking face).

Tired as hell we walked around markets near the Chao Phra Ya river, they were pretty generic developing country markets and I was extremely tired so I just wanted to go back to the hotel and pass out. We tried some sticky rice dessert that was pretty good so we bought some, and my dumbass ate my entire portion in the cab and felt even more like a piece of shit after. We made a stop for some roadside Pad Thai, it was delicious but again I was exhausted. Back in the cab again I pretty much passed out from exhaustion.

Night 2

I woke maybe 45 minutes later still in the cab but the sun was setting and the nocturnal city was coming alive. Suddenly it dawned on me that we had to be in Chinatown and my street-mode immediately turned on. After driving us through some beautifully sketchy streets, our cab driver dropped us off at a main road. All the lights made it look like it was an attempt at giving it a times square feel. I was now totally awake and ready for more exploring, and after walking for a bit we walked by a Chinese restaurant (Chinatown in Bangkok is an extremely fast-paced environment full of beautiful chaos, if you can’t keep up you might as well stay in your comfy apartment and drink lattes or something). The menu had so many choices, but no combination fried rice, general tso’s chicken, or lo mein (at this point I realized that I should just forget about these options because I’m not gonna find this delicious diabetes-maximus anymore). I got the egg noodles with roasted duck for $2, and the portion was just right for me since I was still full from that sticky rice and exhausted from the jetlag. Before the food coma took over, we took a tuk tuk to the nearest metro train station and made our way back to the hotel. The metro was actually very organized and technologically advanced, the DC metro could learn a thing or two from it. Because of the timezone change, the beers, sticky rice, and random stuff that I had eaten, I hadn’t really used the bathroom all day. Walking from the metro to the hotel at some point became truly difficult and I had tell myself just breathe man don’t shit yourself on your first night in Bangkok goddammit.

Now back at the hotel and totally relieved, our night actually began.

Nocturnal Adventure

We started out at the Queen Bee, a little bar across the street with shitty mojitos but a damn good blues band. From there we went to a place that my dad would not stop mentioning, Above Eleven, a local Peruvian restaurant. Probably one of the coolest restaurants that I’ve honestly ever been to. This was some upper class bougie shit as the kids say, but the view of the city was breathtaking and the food was absolutely delicious (and I am a picky fuck when it comes to flavors). The Peruvian food was authentic, the Pisco Sour was legit, and we got to meet Chef Omar Frank Maruy. Chef Maruy is the Japanese-Peruvian chef in charge of keeping the food quality at Above Eleven at its exquisite level. After downing a few Pisco sours, and devouring a few dishes (ceviche, jalea, and anticucho) we made our way to Havana Social. I could tell this place was throwing a good party as we walked to the entrance which was a random door in an alley with working girls in the corner. Too bad some of us were wearing shorts so we were ultimately denied entrance. Bummed out we walked to the nearest bar, Oskar, and had Lavender Pisco Sours. Seriously so creative and surprisingly delicious!

After downing these drinks we basically gave up and made our way back to the hotel. Maybe like 5 minutes away from the hotel we walked past a really sketchy alley and I shit you not, my dad says “let’s go into a small street shithole bar!” He’s already walking towards it so Paper and I say fuck it and we join him, plus I mean come on I gotta watch my dad’s back since hookers have been flirting with him for the past 25 minutes. We walk in and of course all these chicks are so psyched to see us, a very pretty hostess welcomes us so we sit at the bar and get some Tiger beers. With Youtube as our DJ, we start sipping on beers and my dad is just having a blast with these two chicks. They try to flirt with me but I’m like meh, I’ve honestly seen hotter escorts in Lima. Then one of them says, “I’m gonna bring my sister for you.” I’m like ok cool whatever, totally unimpressed as I watch my dad party at this little bar. This chick brings the pretty hostess over and introduces her as her “sister”, and I notice dude this girl is actually super cute and obviously not an actual escort. Me and her are both like uhh… hi? She’s not sure how to interact with idiot foreigners, but I can tell and I am just my usual super chill self with her. She gets a jack and coke, and I continue sipping on my Tiger. Her name is May, I was like “is it pronounced like the month May, or is it Mai like my?” She looked at me like if I was a dumbass but she was playful about it, and I start crushing on this chick because I mean duh I am a fucking idiot and I do shit like this. This all ended with a bill of almost $200 USD, an escort angry at us for not taking her back to our hotel, and me DJ’ing some old school reggaeton on their Youtube. As we made our way back to the hotel we ran into into girls selling booze on the sidewalk in what seemed like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo but cut in half the long way, and the girls turned the bottom half of the car into a mini-bar. As I took a whiz on a street corner, Paper points out that dude there is a toilet at this mini-bar on the sidewalk! I look behind a little curtain next to the mini-bar and there is in fact a toilet there, I mean not connected to any plumbing or anything, just literally a tiny toilet placed on the sidewalk. Did I whiz into this tiny toilet like 20 minutes later? Yes. Did I drink a few too many rum and cokes at this sidewalk mini-bar? Yes. Did I have any idea of what the hell to expect the next day? Hell no.

Night 3 - Let’s try not to die tonight shall we?

I’m skipping to Night 3 because the highlight of Day 2 is just me holding a lemur (by the way lemurs are freakin adorable and they have actual fingers and thumbs!), and realizing that my dad should move to the Thai countryside cuz he is actually genuinely happy there (he greeted random people from a canoe, including a naked fat guy who was in the middle of a soapy bath in the river).

On Night 3 we make another attempt at Havana Social (if there ever is a place with reggaeton and Cuban rum then you’ll probably find me there). The entrance is the #1 coolest that I have seen in my life so far, some dude gives you a code and you punch it into an old phone-booth, this then unlocks an old door next to it which you push open and find a little piece of Havana hidden within Bangkok. So there I am doing my thing downing Cuba Libres, dancing, and laughing at tourists dancing like idiots when I notice three pretty cute chicks dancing near us. I am not the most extroverted dude, but when I hear Latin music the beast is then awakened and I just let it take me places. So I slither over to these girls and pull off some of my signature moves, including one borrowed from my grandpa which I call the Egyptian knife hands. One of the chicks starts dancing with me and my first thought is “wow my dad is watching me spit some legit game, now I AM THE MASTER!” But anyways yeah we dancin and shiet. Suddenly she asks if I wanna go with her and her friends to another club, I thought it was a bad idea but the rum and Daddy Yankee had me saying “yeah screw it let’s go.” The four of us leave the club and somehow fit into a tuk tuk that says VIP on the seat and one of the girls say it’s free! RED FLAG - free shit usually comes with a price later on, and these girls seemed way too excited to have me along. One of the girls pulls out a wrapper with a bunch of pills and puts one in my mouth, my first thought is oh fuck I’m about to get roofied, or flooried, dammit Zack Galifianakis! I pretend to swallow the pill, then I look over into the street and spit this shit out. The girl is like are you feeling okay? I’m like yeah I’m great (meanwhile internally trying to think of an escape plan without freaking out)! We get to this club called Mixx, and this party is poppin. Every tourist is dancing with a local, and I’m thinking wow is every girl at a club in Bangkok an escort… like every single damn one?! My phone only has internet if there is wifi, and I tell the girl that I wanna call my friends to come but I need the wifi password so she hooked me up with her hotspot. Instead of figuring out how to use the wifi to escape, I’m in the bathroom FB messaging my friends back in the states how I almost got roofied and that I’m probably gonna die cuz I mean that is a brilliant idea right? I go back out there and one of the girls goes “if you wanna hang out with me it’s gonna be 3000 baht (like almost $100 USD).” Since I don’t wanna die I go “okay sounds good, let’s hang out every day this week okay?” Her eyes brighten up and she has a huge smile on her face, she tells her friend who then makes a face like “we did it bitch!” I’m thinking okay thank god I’m not gonna wake up tomorrow in a tub full of ice with my internal organs missing because they wanna take all my money throughout the week. Suddenly the Thai DJ starts playing the cumbia song “Colegiala”, and it was at this exact moment that I knew that everything would be okay! I stopped freaking out and danced the night away, didn’t sleep that night, and somehow found a really nice cab driver to take me back to my hotel afterwards (he charged me 300 baht but had no change so I just gave him my 1000 baht bill, really nice guy and really grateful). Yep definitely not doing that again, from now on I will assume every chick at a club in Bangkok is an escort. If you are asking yourself if I hit up that girl again to hang out and continuously pay her $100 USD throughout the week, the answer is dude of course not wtf.

#bangkok #party #hangover #zack galifianikis

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batflowerghoul-blog · 7 years

Text

The Chronicles of Wiesbaden & Munich

Okay, it's finally story time! I recommend you to make it yourself comfortable, maybe with a cup of tea or coffee, because this is going to be one hell of a long ass post. Here we go!

Wiesbaden, 09.04.17

For some reason I slept like a baby the night before, even though we're talking about my first Ritual ever! Anyways, I was excited as fuck, obviously and fortunately overcame dat ghost drama depression™ . I wanted to make sure to be front row, so I showed up pretty early in Wiesbaden and met up with the lovely @inamorata13, who I met through tumblr, and we settled at the venue. We were only a handful of people and it was like.. uh 12:30 pm, I guess. The weather was fantastic throughout the whole day, I even had to use sunscreen, especially on my new back tattoo, because I was only in my white summer dress at some point. White dress? Yeah, I dressed up as an angel just as I have planed for ages haha. Fun Fact: I refused to look at these ‘Ghoul's-identity-revealed-pics’ that have been going around in numerous facebook groups, because I mean, I know a lot.. lot about the old Ghouls, but the new ones??? Well, so I wanted to make the best out of this situation and get to know how it feels like to have no clue at all who's behind the masks. It didn't take too long, until I got to know how new Earth looks, though. He was basically strolling around the venue and I asked @inamorata13 “who dis” and I got my answer. He also waved to us and I waved back thinking like “I have no idea who you are, but he Earf”. (Okay, I guess I shouldn't write, while it's already past midnight.) Ma gurl's friends joined us soon and the wait was real chill with beer and keeping watch for Ghouls, who I had no idea who to look for (I could've suspected anyone haha) or him. At some point, apparently Fire made his way through the crowd and I missed him, good job Vanessa. I was shown a picture of him though and woah, dat boi's hot.

Nothing too spectacular happened then, until we finally got to be inside and BINGO BABY FRONT ROW. We were standing center-right, in front of Fire - whereas I was rather standing between Papa and Fire. The girls have seen Ghost a few times on this tour already so they knew their spot. The opening band Zombi was.. uh, okay. Not exactly my cup of tea. I really dig instrumental stuff, don't get me wrong, but I feel like something's missing in their sound, like a singer, who will lull you in some kind of daze with these hypnotic tunes in the background. But only the latter for 45 minutes was a little.. boring. Sorry.

Once they started playing Masked Ball, I had this "THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW"-moment and before I even could comprehend what was happenening, these fuckers already started out with Square Hammer. Saying that I was shook, is a bloody understatement. I honestly don't know, if I was "eye-fucked" by Papa or the Ghouls, I guess so (?), I was way too busy trying to take everything in though. Which is pretty hard with everything that is going on there. These ghouls are very animated and interact a lot with the crowd as well as with each other. Beforehand, I was really gutted, because damn, I got way too attached to the old ghouls (which is also partly Papa's fault for making them kinda important and establishing them as actual characters *cough*), so my heart got kinda.. ripped out? I would've given a limb to have gotten the chance to see these old nerds. I'd still do. But all of this shouldn't belittle how much these new ghouls kick ass. There's nothing to complain about - even Air wasn't sitting that much and played that Mummy Dust solo himself, well done.

However, around mid-show, there was a drunk guy pushing his way up to the front, until he was second row a little left from me. He was cautionend by the security numerous times (in my opinion they should've kicked him out right from the start) and finally, he was bad news. He would flash his finger at Papa and call him names, we even have him screaming "Stop fucking around!" on video, while Papa was giving a small speech (can't exactly remember which one - need to check on my stuff). Anyways, I got really mad at that guy, because sure, everyone is entitled to their very own opinion and if you don't agree with has been going on, that is absolutely okay, but nobody needs this bullshit. If you don't want to support Ghost, or more specifically him, anymore, no hard feelings buddy, you do you, but then just stay the fuck away from a concert, where people want to have a good fucking time. The show was sold out, he could’ve sold his ticket. Easy, eh? Oh, and he noticed. Papa noticed and I too noticed him noticing it. Notiception.

Like sometime inbetween he was kinda hissing, how was it, something like "I can see your face. Better change that." The sass is real. The sass got even realer, when one of the Mummy Dust bills fell on stage and Papa picked it up, folded it once, put it between his lips and was - what I would say - looking demonstratively at the crowd. Touché.

Also, Water was in front of us, and I was cheering at him and he threw his pick at me... aaaand I caught it! I'm really bad at catching things during concerts, but those were a+++ reaction skills of mine. Ah well, actually he threw it more or less right in my hands.

Ma gurl also gave me Fire's pick, because she already has one and ahhhh, thank you again ♥.

Overall, time has flown by and yes, apart from that fucktard on my left, I forgot about this whole drama llama shit and had the time of my life. Before Monstrance Clock came on, Papa asked, who was seeing them for the first time and I raised my hand, like "ye it me" and my friends also pointed at me. Then, he looked at me and started asking me questions how I like it and stuff and I was dying inside (the good kind). From there on, he gave his female orgasm speech (watered down though, his speeches weren't too long each, which is kinda understandable) and I still kinda felt addressed, being that red-faced, unsullied angel (these wings were annoying as fuck, even though they are super small).

And then poof, the show was over.

After grabbing our stuff, we went to the bus, waiting.

Pretty soon, Fire came out and let's just say that he is very, very handsome to say the least. He actually recognized my friends, since they've been on his side a few times already and I, well.. poof, my social skills where gone. So basically, I ended up being an awkward bystander, hardly able to ask them if they can sign my stuff. I mean, I have spoken to band members before, like super casually (ahh Avatar come back), because I like having a good chat (as much as I like writing lol), but sometimes.. yeah sometimes, my social awkardness level is going through the roof and I can't even hold a normal conversation. Good timing, I would say. Aether was really nice and seemed to be that outgoing, approachable guy, Water stayed in the Bus after walking by us. I didn't see Air or Earth either. But then, he came out. I was not ready.

In an attempt not to stare at him bluntly, I looked back at my friend and she told me to look at him as long as I have the chance to. He made his way through the - more or less - circle and he was about to reach us soon. I wasn't prepared, but I got pushed forward and from this point on things went downhill big time. He was looking at me and whatever was left from my ability to human correctly disappeared. I tried to tell him, that it was my first concert and very special to me (also, as an lowkey attempt, to see if he would remember talking to me in Papa-mode) and he was giving me the look. I have read a little about it already, that puzzled look. That "I-have-no-idea-what-you-just-said"-look. Ouch. I don't want to sound arrogant, but my english is pretty good, I've always had a thing for it and I've been living abroad for a little while last year, but I don't know man. I guess, I wasn’t speaking loud enough, or something. Ugh. The tragedy continued as - after signing my ticket - I tried to be funny and ask him if I may invade his personal space by hugging him. I tried. And fuck me - I got the look again, the look. That light forehead-wrinkle-look. I think, I tried to repeat myself and at least he got the word 'hug' and suddenly I was in his arms and I mean, that's super cute and the hug was tighter than I had expected, but I was just too confused from this whole situation and my mind has gone blank. If I would be a normal functioning human being, I would've enjoyed that hug a lot more, but I just wanted to die right at the spot (not literally, but I think, you get what I mean), haha. He thanked us all for coming out numerous times and from what I could observe (at least) he appeared to be just as I have heard. I would describe him as very polite and friendly, with some sort of professional detachment - if that's the right word. Sure, after current events, I would describe the whole atmosphere as kinda tense, not to speak of my apocalyptic mood on a side note. Anyways, it was a blessing to see him and to get hugged by him, but also kind of a curse - considering the 'how'.

I continued to whine about why I'm such a weird potato and that whenever something is really important to me I screw it up for a good 30 minutes, thank you friend for bearing with me. Now, that I'm typing this, I can't help but smile to myself. Eternally complaining about it will get me nowhere and it's kind of a funny story. A bit tragic, but peculiar. And that's where the ‘Wiesbaden’-part ends. Way to go.

Munich, 23.04.17

A bit more than a week before this ritual I had quite the accident and basically the whole left half of my face got bruised/injured – not to speak that half my left front tooth broke off, as well as a little next to it. They were reconstructed provisionally, at least – but I wasn't sure, how far my healing process would progress until the Sunday of the Ritual. Long story short, my bruises almost faded (except for the ones on my knuckles and knee), as well as my black eye, which is pretty good, but I got some sort of braces to stabilize my tooth (they will come out next week) and so, I involuntarily exchanged my angel costume with a 13-year old's costume, lol. They aren't too visible though, but let's just say that my self esteem sunk pretty much during these days and I wasn't sure if I could get all of this out of my head (thinking about the impact is still giving me goosebumps oops).

To get straight to the point: I had a fucking wonderful day! For this ritual I too met up with @inamorata13 and her partner in crime, as well as @music-is-the-passion and not least my brother.

I was the first one to arrive at the venue from our group, which was around 1 pm, there were only 4 more there and we had no idea where to start the queue. Once things were settled, we saved our spot with our bags and I waited for the others to join.

Apparently, Papa was seen by the others just a good minute before I showed up – once again, good job Vanessa.

An hour later or so, most of the ghouls went from their tour bus into the venue and passed by us. Water called us 'children', I think (cheeky much, huh), Aether took his time to sign some stuff and chatted a little with us, Earth came out again just to talk to us, which was a super nice surprise and I already got him to sign my ticket from Wiesbaden. He asked ma gurls (who have seen them a few times already on this tour) where they're from, whereas I was kinda deep in my thoughts, when I felt someone poking my shoulder. It was him and he asked me aswell, where I was from and guess what – this time I didn't fail on being a decent human being and gave him a comprehensible answer. We talked for a bit longer and damn, throughout the whole day my social skills where a+++ (by my standards) – nothing could stop me. Afterwards, he also went inside the venue.

Overall, the wait was super fun actually. The weather was a lot different than Wiesbaden, since it was windy and cold, but we had whisky and beer to keep us warm, haha. Also, despite everything that has happened recently, I was in a great mood and as bubbly as ever, so we were laughing a lot and took pictures, etc. Time was flying and the queue got longer and longer, but my spot in the front was saved anyway, so I still ran around like an idiot, because I couldn't sit still.

Sometime the window of the venue (2nd floor) was opened and I heard someone randomly yelling, before it got closed again. I haven't seen who it was, but somehow I suspect it to be Aether.

Shortly before they started letting people enter, I joked around because of my braces and asked the security guy, if I need to show my ID then, considering how young I look now. I didn't need to and we found ourselves at the same spot like in Wiesbaden. The stage was bigger though and a bit farther away from the barricade. It was also quite cold inside the venue, so we danced as much as we could during Zombi.

And then it begun. Finally. Obviously, we went batshit crazy – my brother to my left, @inamorata13 to my right once again. Even writing a novel about how great their show is wouldn't do them justice – so let's just say that it was phenomenal. The light show was beautiful – better than in Wiesbaden, which most definitely sterns from the bigger venue, the sound crystal clear, so a big shout-out to Ghost's light and sound techs! You're doing a great job!

I also noticed lots of things, I didn't during my first Ritual: Papa's infamous air humping, Fire and Water carrying out a dramatic battle, and so forth. During his speech before Body And Blood, while he was explaining, that these Sisters of Sin would give us a physical gif, he referred to my brother, that it's not that kind of physical considering him smiling lika a Cheshire cat – it was too funny.

Towards the end, he came down near the pit to thank us all and I cheered pretty loud, which led him to point at me and nod, if I remember correctly. I didn't catch anything this ritual, but since I already own two picks, there's nothing to object to. Once the lights went out, I made my way to the bar and drank a coke, as if my life would depend on it. My circulations was pretty fucked, after all haha.

Then, we went to the merch table and I bought the Monroe-shirt and I'm so in love with it! I also encountered two cosplayers (Papa Emeritus II and A Nameless Ghoul Air) and they looked so damn accurate that I asked them for a group picture, they were super nice and in this moment I felt like being at a Con.

Of course, we started waiting at the tour bus again and lemme tell you.. it was so fucking cold, holy shit. I thought, that I was warmly dressed, but nope, I've never been so wrong.

After a little while, Water came out and he actually signed stuff (???). He said himself that normally he doesn't, but he feels so sorry for us waiting in the cold and so there he was. I asked him to sign my brothers stuff, before he put the upside down triangle on my ticket (so I've got all of em.. except Air) and my nose was free enough to notice that he smelled like weed – not that I'm complaining. He also used my back numerous times for signing this and that. Once again, not that I'm complaining. Dude's super chill. We thanked him and he thanked us, before heading into the tour bus.

Another while later, Fire came out – I don't know where to start. There was a woman, who gave him some sort of present, that was intended for Papa actually and didn't really understand what he was saying and.. uh, the situation was really weird, I could go more into detail, but let's just say that I cringed a little (and yes, this time I wasn't the reason for it weeeh). At the end, she took the bun by asking him if he could give her a kiss on the cheek. And he did. Like, I could hear the smooch pretty clearly and in fact, I was impressed – he's not doing things half-heartedly. Aside from signing stuff, he also gave hugs and laughed while saying “free hugs”. He's just super sweet, period.

Once it was my turn, I asked him to sign the CD of my brother and I also whispered “I too am here for the free hugs”, being the creep that I am. He smiled and opened his arms. I hope, he didn't hear me gasp for air, because I was just so shocked (in the best way) about how tight I'd be embraced by him. Thinking back to it, makes my knees a little weak to be honest. Be assured, that if you ask him for a hug, it definitely won't be a half-assed one.

I can confidently confirm the same about Aether. He is just an ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART, hands down. Now, let me explain why: After Fire left, he came out and greeted us all, signing stuff, thanking everyone, etc. I too asked him to get my brothers stuff signed and (since I've got mine in Wiesbaden) I had nothing left to do, than ask him for a hug aswell, huehauheuha. He said “Of course!” and it was one of the greatest bear hugs I've ever been in. Like the ones, where you sway around a little, if that makes sense. Not to mention, of how good he smelled – woah, I should've asked him about what perfume he uses. He said that I was really cold, which wasn't a miracle considereing that we were standing for a good two hours outside already and once we parted, I could smell that nice scent on myself too. He stayed outside with us for so long and woah, we spoke a lot about various things. I don't wanna write out too much of it, because I rather want to treasure this more privately instead of screaming it outside into the world, if ya get what I mean, but I/we got to know quite some stuff about him and he is just incredibly nice and fun to be around. He talked about how difficult it was to remember the whole coreography onstage and during his first show as a ghoul he thought like ‘shit, I'm definitely in the wrong place now' and started to shuffle around, it was hilarious.

After having spent a good 40 minutes or so (?) with us, he too went back to the bus – it was cold as heck after all and so we continued waiting for the one and only Papa.

And we waited. And waited.

And suddenly Aether came back out again with lots of beers in his arms and handed each and everyone of us one, plus opened them. It was Belgian stout, because it might could warm us a little, he said and that was the absolute kindest gesture, I was mentally in tears. So equipped with bear we carried on with waiting.

The metros didn't run anymore and at some point I had to give thought to organizing a taxi.. our train departed at half past 3 and the venue was a good 15-20 minutes drive away from the train station.

Ultimately, my brother and I, we had to take the cab at 2:45 am and so we missed him unfortunately. So yes, basically one hour wait was kinda for nothing and I couldn't feel my feet anymore, so where the heck was homeboi T??? @inamorata13 could stay longer and I got to know, that he came out shortly after 3 am and didn't expect people to be still waiting. So, he apologized a few times and signed stuff, etc. before heading to the bus shortly after.

Man, I wish I could've met him once again to make up for Wiesbaden, but oh well, life isn't always a bowl of cherries. Meeting him would've been the golden cherry on top of a big-ass, insanely-delicious sundae that this day has been, so for the third time: I can't complain.

What followed was a heavy, fucking case of post concert depression, but I'm mostly over it now, especially since I've booked flights for Stockholm in September, huehauheuha.

Yeah, that's it. Thanks for reading, if you have reached this far. I've always loved reading these stories and now, that I finally got to seem them too, I just had to write these unforgettable experiences down :)

#ghost band #the band ghost #papa emeritus #papa iii #iii #fire ghoul #aether ghoul #water ghoul #earth ghoul #air ghoul #personal #took me forever

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