wife loving husband yeahhhh

𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐘𝐨𝐮 ↠ 𝐋.𝐉𝐇

anonymous asked: Hi, may I request for 16 & 6 (angst to fluff) for tbz hyunjae, please? Tysm!

pairings: non idol!hyunjae x female!reader

prompts:

6. “I’m so happy you’re finally mine.”

16. “In the end, I cared about him so much that I thought he deserved someone who loved him more than I did.”

requested.

wc: 2.9k

warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol.

genre: exes to lovers!au, angst, fluff.

↬ ❝𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐲.❞

song recommendation: lonely by prettymuch, before you go by lewis capaldi, let me go by avril lavigne (feat. chad kroeger), back to you by selena gomez.

A sigh left your lips as you looked around the small coffee shop you were supposed to meet your friend at. It wasn’t even Valentine’s Day and you were surrounded by couples as if they knew that you had recently broken up. At the thought of your breakup, you felt a shiver running through your body as you shook your head to push away the thoughts. Every time you thought about it, it broke your heart even more.

The door of the shop opened and you saw your best friend, Yoora walking inside looking around for you. You waved at her and she smiled walking over to your table sitting next to you.

“Sorry I’m late, I was with Younghoon discussing where our wedding is going to be held.” Yoora said and you smiled.

Yoora and Younghoon were both your friends, they met each other through you and they instantly clicked. They were such a cute couple, they were like the couples you watch in Dramas.

“It’s okay, did you decide on the place yet?” you asked but she shook her head.

“No, but anyway, I’m here for you, I want to know how you’re doing,” she replied, and with her words, your smile fell.

“I’m fـــ”

“Cut the shit Y/N, I know you’re not okay! I have known you basically our whole life, you think saying this would make me believe that you’re truly okay? I know how much you loved him...” she said and you looked up closing your eyes her words touching you.

You were on the verge of a breakdown but held yourself together, but with Yoora, if she even asked you if you were sad you would just cry until there are no more tears left.

“I know that’s not the right time to say this, but Jaehyun isn’t doing great either,” Yoora said and you looked at her, the sharp words hitting you in the heart.

“How could he act like this? Acting like he is the victim?” you wondered and sniffled trying to stop yourself from crying.

“Y/N, he is a douche yes, Younghoon is giving him the cold shoulder and the rest are basically on your side, even Juyeon. They know he shouldn’t have done what he did.” she said and you felt slightly comforted by her words.

Out of all Jaehyun’s friends, you were closest to Juyeon, he was like your older brother you two had a playful relationship and before you and Jaehyun got together he tried to set you up.

When he heard of your messy breakup, he was there to comfort you, he told you that Jaehyun didn’t deserve your tears and it was his loss. But the words your ex told you had already gotten to your head and they made you feel bad about yourself.

“I loved him so much Yoora, I really did. He was my world and what hurts the most is that he made me believe I was his,” you said finally crying, you weren’t going to stop the tears anymore and Yoora let you pour your heart out.

“I don’t know he was a good actor till the breakup, how easily his new co-worker at work got him mesmerised, every time he came home he would talk about her all the time even when we were on dates he talked about how amazing and professional she was. Then, he would leave all night because he is with his friends. Gosh, how could I be so blind?” you mumbled brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“All these signs and I waited in this fucking relationship, I took all of the toxicity just because I wanted to save us. I can’t believe it.” you said and you looked truly confused and finally realising how naïve you were.

Yoora looked at you uncertain, she knew Jaehyun was the one who messed up badly, but you two needed each other, the problem was that you let his words get to you making you believe every word he said.

You wiped your tears with the back of your sleeve and smiled blankly at the wall ahead of you and said.

“In the end, I cared about him so much that I thought he deserved someone who loved him more than I did.”

Yoora felt her heart breaks by your words as she hugged you tightly, you buried yourself in her arms your broken heart aching in your chest.

All you wanted was for the pain to go away, but that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon, Jaehyun brought this upon you both, and he had to face the consequences of his actions.

At the bar, Jaehyun sat pathetically drinking his god knows his drink number what, he was just trying to numb all of the pain he was feeling that was caused only by him. His stupidity was the reason why he is sitting like that.

His vision was blurry due to crying so much for the past three weeks. His life turned upside down the day you walked out of his life. He lost everything on that damned day. He closed his eyes more tears pouring from his eyes as he replayed the cruel words he told you.

“You’re suffocating me all the time! All I want is to speed some time with my friends but no! Because of you bitching and complaining about me being gone all the fucking time I had to sit here miserably with you!” Jaehyun screamed at you causing tears to fall from your eyes instantly.

“I haven’t seen you in five days Jaehyun, you’re always busy with work and I missed you, I just wanted to spend some time with you.” you whispered and he groaned.

“There you go again! You’re crying and complaining to make me feel had and apologise then drop the night with my friends! But no not this time, you can cry all you want I don’t give a fuck, I’m going out and you can wail about this all night for all I care.” Jaehyun said as he grabbed his keys and was about to leave your shared apartment.

“Lee Jaehyun!”

Your voice stopped his movements as he turned to look at you with a bored look on his face.

“What has gotten into you?!” you yelled and he just huffed, “You know what? Just go, but by the time you come home I will be long gone.” you whispered not wanting to feel like a burden on him.

He rolled his eyes and spat, “Oh please do that, we both know that you’re going to come around in no time. Because of your clinginess.”

And he left.

“Hyung?”

Jaehyun turned next to his side and saw his best friend, Juyeon looking at him with a disapproving look as he looked at all the shots he took.

“Juyeon? What are you doing here? Did your girlfriend dump you too? Hey! Bring some shots!” Jaehyun slurred and Juyeon rolled his eyes.

“You’re so wasted, come on, let’s take you home.” Juyeon said but Jaehyun shook his head violently.

“No! I won’t take a step inside that house ever again!” he snapped and Juyeon furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because as long as Y/N isn’t there, it’s not home.” he whispered weakly. Juyeon felt his heart breaks at his best friend’s words.

He knew how broken you two were without each other, but he knows Jaehyun brought all of this upon himself. He doesn’t blame you for breaking up with Jaehyun, the words he told you were cruel and hurt you so bad.

“I want her back Juyeon,” Jaehyun whispered again and Juyeon looked at him and cursed, he took out his phone dialling a phone number.

“Hey Bora, is Y/N home? Great! I’m coming over, but don’t you dare tell her.”

You sat watching a new Netflix series on your laptop, you saw your roommate, Bora grabbing her keys as she put on her shoes. Furrowing your eyebrows you looked at her questioningly.

“Where are you going at this hour?” you asked and she looked at you sceptically.

“Juyeon called me, he wanted me to meet him.” she said and you smiled slyly at her.

“You and Juyeon, huh?” you asked and she blushed shaking her head at you. She left the apartment before you could torture her any longer.

A few minutes have passed and before you could start the next episode of the show, the door knocked. You rolled your eyes knowing that Bora had forgotten her keys once more.

“For God’s sake Bora, how many times do I have toـــ Jaehyun? What are you doing here?!”

You were startled by the sight of your ex standing at your doorstep, he smelt like alcohol and he looked wasted, he almost fell on you but you were quick to hold him.

“Oh my God!” you breathed as you held him by his waist and closed the door then laid him on the couch, he fell asleep immediately.

You looked from your window to see if someone dropped him at your place, but all you saw was an empty street. Looks like he got to your place by taxi.

You walked to the living room to see Jaehyun lying on the couch and sleeping comfortably. You cursed and grabbed your phone and went to your bedroom calling Yoora.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” she asked.

“No, Jaehyun is sleeping on my couch outside!”

“Say sike.”

“Yoora not helping!” you hissed.

“Sorry sorry! What is he doing at your place?” she asked and you sighed.

“I don’t know! He is drunk for sure, I think he took a taxi and told him the address to my apartment.” you said running a hand through your hair sitting on the bed.

“And how does he know that you’re staying at Bora’s?” Yoora asked causing you to roll your eyes at her bad memory.

“He knows Bora and every time we fought I always stayed at her place.” you explained.

“What are you waiting for then? Kick him out now!” Yoora said.

“What? No! I can’t just do that, it would be too rude.” you mumbled and Yoora cursed you.

“Fuck you and your good morals, Y/N.”

“I will wait till the next morning then kick him out, yeah, I will do that.” you said still feeling slightly bad.

“That’s my girl, now don’t interact with him at all. Keep me updated, bye!” she said as she hang up.

You sighed for the millionth time and laid on the bed, you decided to check on Jaehyun, you left your bedroom and walked to the couch again. He was shivering like crazy and his face was clenched like he was in pain. You quickly grabbed a blanket and covered him, he was mumbling some words.

“Please don’t go.”

You felt your heart stop thinking that he was awake, but luckily he was still asleep, so you closed your laptop and went to your bedroom to sleep, dreading the next day.

***

You couldn’t sleep, how could you sleep when your ex was right outside sleeping on your couch? You heard some movements from outside declaring that Jaehyun was finally awake.

Your stomach twisted and you stood up and opened the door seeing your ex looking around the apartment confused.

“You’re awake.” you whispered and be whipped around to see you.

Seeing him for the first time after a whole month had your heart racing, despite all the words he told you, your heart was still beating because of him.

He didn’t look so good either, he wasn’t the same mischievous, handsome boy you met. This one seemed to be depressed like he lost all his life. He looked unhealthy and he looked like he hadn’t bathed in a long time.

“God, what happened to you?” you asked quietly, your feelings getting the best of you.

You walked over to him as he looked at you examining your face, he hadn’t seen you for a very long time and you were still as beautiful as ever, you didn’t look pathetic like him.

You were still the same kind girl who helped him get to the campus when he was lost on his first day of college, being the new student took its toll on him, but you didn’t leave his side not wanting someone to pick on him or anything.

“Jaehyun you look pale when was the last time you ate?” you asked feeling concerned, he didn’t answer you all he was doing was staring at you. “Jaehyun?” you whispered.

The banging in his head was getting stronger and due to the reduction of sugar in his blood, he looked like he was going to faint any time. You quickly sat him down on the couch as he tried to breathe.

“Hey hey, it’s okay I’m here, you’re okay.” you tried to calm him down because, by the looks of it, he was about to have an asthma attack.

You grabbed some juice from the fridge and a glass of water and walked to him again, you poured some juice in the glass and gave it to him.

“Drink it, you’re going to be okay, it’s fine, just breathe,” you whispered as he drank the juice till the last drop.

After a moment of him calming down, you gave him so pills to take, he looked at you confused.

“Painkillers, for your headache.”

Jaehyun took them from your hands, throwing them in his mouth as he let his back rest against the couch.

He couldn’t understand why you were so kind to him when he broke your heart, he knows you like the back of his hand, your kind nature always got the best of you, even if your enemy was about to die, you would help save them.

“Are you okay?” you asked quietly and he nodded.

He wanted to tell you how sorry he was and how badly he wanted you back in his life, he was lost without you, he needed you to guide him back to himself.

“Why are you helping me?”

That’s what he managed to ask, you kept quiet not knowing the answer to his question. You asked yourself the same question, why are you helping him when he hurt you? Why don’t you hurt him back?

“I don’t know... I guess I still love you, despite all the shit you did I still fucking love you,” you said tearing up.

Jaehyun got on his knees in front of you, taking your hands in his as he looked at you his eyes filled with tears.

“I know I hurt you so bad, I know I’m the most messed up person on earth I know I treated you like shit, but what hurts me the most I broke my promise to you,” he said looking into your eyes as he gave your hand a squeeze.

“I promised to never hurt you or break your heart, I broke it.” he whispered as he let his tears flow down his face.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, life’s been kicking my ass ever since you left, I’m so lost without you, you are the light of my life. Without you I’m so lonely, surrounded by the darkness letting it swallow me.” he confessed, his sobs rocking his body.

You took him in your arms as you let yourself cry, you hadn’t realised that you missed him so bad until you were embraced by him. You should’ve known better, it’s him and it will always be him, no matter what happens you will always go back to him.

“Forgive me Y/N, I love you please, I’m sorry, I promise that if you give me a second chance I will prove to you that I deserve you, just please, come back to me,” Jaehyun begged as he pulled away from you.

You looked into his eyes searching for any lie, but all you saw was regret and a hint of hope. You wiped his tears away as you kissed his forehead.

“I forgive you Jaehyun, I’m lost just like you, my life isn’t the same, you used to brighten up my day, and I miss that. I miss you, your affection, I even miss your stupid jokes! I miss us.” you said and he wiped away your tears.

“So, you’re going to give me a second chance?” he asked.

“And it’s your last too.”

He smiled widely before capturing your lips with his own. You sighed into the kiss as you tangled your hand in his hair. The familiar butterflies flew around your stomach as Jaehyun placed his hands on your thighs squeezing them lightly.

You pulled away from his lips as he smiled widely his eyes still closed he whispered,

“I’m so happy you’re finally mine.”

You smiled back as you helped him up a he sat on the couch. You got up and he looked at you scared that if you left his sight, he would lose you again, tapping his hand lovingly you said.

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

How can you tell them that you want them and that you care for them but you can’t be with them. I’ll always be there for you. when it is 3am and im drunk or when its 2pm and im working. I’m there. always there. it’s you; it’s always been you since I met you five months ago. The way you make me feel is insane. It’s an indescribable feeling. You made me feel every single fucking emotion. You made me so happy but you managed to make me so sad. Luckily the happy outweighed the sad. Maybe one day we will cross paths, you’ll see me, i’ll see you, we’ll meet up and reconnect and talk like we never stopped. Our passion was like fire. Bright and hot. We loved hard for five months. We definitely fought to be together. You picked me. You wanted me instead of her. I picked you over everyone. You understood me. I remember staying up for nights in a row just to talk to you until morning. Our silences were so calming and weren’t awkward. I could sit there and listen to you breathe and be so content with life. I wish we were in my car and I was driving doing something stupid and you just laughed like I was an idiot but I really knew you were falling in love with me with every little moment we spent together. From the waffle house dates to playing monopoly to getting lost in Narnia a.k.a. IKEA to sitting in my room just talking to being on facetime and you making music or you showing me your favorite songs. God I miss you. To be honest, I don’t think i’ll ever stop missing you. You were something special. You didn’t know how to open up to me. I struggled because i knew you wanted to let me in but you couldn’t. You didn’t want to get hurt. You didn’t want someone to learn so much about you that they could hurt you. I wasn’t ever going to hurt you. I never planned on it. But you, you hurt me. You destroyed me. I’m broken because of you. But there you are, partying and getting drunk with random people you don’t know, probably fucking some girl in your room, to suppress your feelings; but here I am, getting drunk and crying my pitiful, sad tears all alone to let out my feelings. You’re numb. You put up these walls that I spent five months trying to break down. I let you in straight away because i’m too trusting. I care too much. I love too deeply. I get attached too easily. It fucks me up. Maybe one day i’ll learn to not do that to keep my heart from being broken and crushed. You ripped my heart out of my chest tonight. I’ll be numb too, just like you. But eventually i’ll be okay. I’ll find someone who won’t make me feel like this. You’ll still be sleeping around trying to forget your hurt and pain. I wonder if you’ll lay in your bed at night tossing and turning because you can’t sleep because you’re thinking of me and if I still miss you. If you’re wondering, I do. We both have some growing up to do. We both were changing. You couldn’t handle having someone there to help you through it. You didn’t want to change together. You didn’t want to grow with me, I did. I wanted to go through everything with you; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You were scared you were going to hurt me so you let me go. It was more painful to know you didn’t want to try with me. You tried to spare my feelings. I’m not some fragile fucking doll. I am a damn human. I am strong and I can take what you throw at me. I wanted us to work out. In all honesty, it got to the point, for me, where I was day dreaming about our future together. Our house, our jobs, our kids, our wedding. All of it. But it doesn’t matter now. You threw it all away… But I hope you can be happy and successful just like I hope you wish the same for me. I won’t talk bad about you because you were and still are what I wanted. You’ll forever be engraved in my heart and my mind. You taught me how a guy should treat me, how I should be loved, and I can’t thank you enough for it. Hopefully, I taught you something too. Maybe you can love your next girl even better and treat her even better. Maybe she will be more than what I could/ did give you. I hope she does you well. I hope she checks up on you while you’re drunk. I hope she likes your music and she supports you. I hope she doesn’t get mad when you need to be alone because you’re going through something you can’t explain. I hope she knows your favorite colors, that you only like Chickfilas diet lemonade and that’s all you will drink from there, your slightly unhealthy obsession with Selena Gomez and butts, that you love choking people and that it is your job, that you can eat seven plates of food and still be hungry, that your favorite movie of all time is Dead pool, that you’re insecure about your calves and only you can make fun of them or you get upset, that you and your sister are really close, that you and your dad share college stories, that you love memes and deadlifting, that your favorite animal is a penguin, that you believe in aliens, that even though you are lactose intolerant you still choose to eat area 51 ice cream because that is your favorite place, that you also really love chicken nuggets and I think if it were possible you would marry them, that you love waffle house, that you love crazy crew socks, that you love being dressy and you love playing dress up, that when you start tapping your fingers to the beat of a song you are playing the beat in your head and trying to figure it out, that you’re weird but it makes you ten times funnier, that you are charming, that you are the perfect gentleman, that it is hard for you to open up and let people in, and I hope she gets to know more of you than I got to know even if I wanted to know every detail about you; from the day you were born to the very day and moment we are in right now.

Why can’t you get drunk and text me that you miss you like I do when i’m drunk. It doesn’t seem fair that you hold it together so well while i’m barely holding on by a thread, just dangling there waiting for someone to cut the string. You remember how this whole thing started? It started with Grey’s Anatomy. You tweeted, “what’s so hype about greys?” I replied, “hot doctors and crazy cool illnesses.” You said, “hmm maybe i’ll watch an episode.” A few days later, I dmed you because it gave me the perfect excuse to talk to you. Of course you said you didn’t watch it. I remember the first thing you told me was that you thought your middle name was weird and then you randomly told me your middle name. we talked every day from that night. We made so many memories starting from that night. and now… now it’s all over. Both going through the same cycle. Heartbreak, sadness, possibly anger, happiness. But then we just start over with someone new and then go through that cycle with them. I didn’t want to have to start over. I didn’t want to go through the heartache or the breakups or the sadness. I wanted to be with you and only you. I wanted to wake up at 4am and look to my left and see you laying next to me. I wanted to make breakfast together in our cute apartment/ house. I wanted to cuddle up next to you on our couch eating dinner and drink some sort of alcoholic beverage enjoying each others company watching some weird ass show I probably found. I’ll always wonder what you’re doing. If you’re talking to some new girl. If you’re having sex with some girl to fill the void like you do. I’ll wonder if you’re okay. I’ll wonder if you wonder about me. I’ll wonder if you want to get back together with me. I’ll always wonder. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I miss you and I hope you miss me too. 1/22/2017 2:05am 1/24/2016 11:03pm You texted me today. I replied with I miss you. You didn’t reply. I drove to all of our places today. I cried and I laughed because of our memories we made. Im sad because I know that it’s completely over between us and I wish it wasn’t because we had so much growing to do that we could have done together. I know you want to be with me but right now it’s too hard. We could have been something special, ya know? Really special. We could have given each other the world. I miss you so much. Its only been four days but all I do is cry. 1/27/17 8:07am I am in class. It’s boring. And all I’m doing is thinking about you. I still miss you. It’s been 6 days, almost a week since we broke up. I’m still sad but I’m better. I hope we can try again one day. You were and still are my favorite person. You make me so happy. You said you wanted to be with me but you couldn’t. It hurt but it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as when you said you are trying to detach yourself. That broke me. I’m sorry for talking about my feelings and oversharing and just missing you. I don’t really know what to do. I have this feeling that we will get back together but in my mind we won’t. I have not been able to get the thought out of my head that you are fucking some other girl and the thought of that makes me sick. Like honestly sick, like I could throw up at any moment. I had a dream last night: you came to my house with flowers, talked to my mom. You didn’t tell her we were broken up because you knew that I never told her in hopes of us getting back together and I didn’t want her to not like you. You came to my room and asked if we could talk and I said get the hell out because I didn’t want to speak to you because you broke my heart. You didn’t leave. You came in, shut my door and sat on my bed. I sat up and said I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say because I was sick of your bullshit. You talked to my anyways because you knew I would listen. You said, “I want to be with you, Anna. I miss you and I keep coming back to you. You are my favorite person. I would do anything for you. I care about you so much. Do you miss me? (as if you didn’t already know the answer).” “Of course I miss you, Braeden. How could I not? You were so special to me and I don’t think you realized it. But I am so sick of your bullshit excuses and I’m tired of running back to you just so you can break my heart again and again and again. You showed me something about myself that I didn’t think anyone could show me. You showed me how I should be treated by everyone that came into my life and I can’t thankyou enough for that.” “Do you wanna go for a drive with me”, you asked. “Yeah, I do.” We got up to leave. My mom said be safe and that she loved us. We got in your car and started driving. You told me why you left and that there was no ulterior motive behind it, that you weren’t lying. I am so appreciative of the fact that you are so honest with me. I stared out the window while you were talking to me. I couldn’t look at you without crying. I just wanted to hug and kiss you but I knew I couldn’t do that. That it wouldn’t be fair to me or you. I am always looking out for you. I always have and will put you and your feelings above myself even though I know I shouldn’t do that. You looked at me looking out the window and you smiled. I saw it in the reflection of the windshield. I said what. You said, “I have to tell you something and im not sure how you will react or how im going to react after the words come out of my mouth.” I said, “what is it? Are you gonna tell me you slept with 15 girls in the matter of a 2 weeks and then got back together with Mallory?” “No I wasn’t going to tell you that. Why would you think that? I never even thought of sleeping with someone else Anna.”, you said. I said, “ that’s what you do Braeden. When you are single, you fuck. That’s all you do is fuck.” I knew when I said that, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I apologized for saying it. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. You told me that it was okay; that you knew I was sorry. You acted like it didn’t affect you. I hate when you do that. You put up this façade and act like nothing matters to you and that nothing hurts you and that you don’t care. I do it too. I am trying to stop it. You said, “can I tell you what I was trying to tell you ten minutes ago?” we are in horn lake somewhere, I don’t remember driving that far. “yes you can, Im sorry.” Im always apologizing for something. “don’t be sorry, Anna. But * long pause* I think I love you.” I sit up and I finally looked at you. “what?” “Yes, Anna, I really do.” “Since when Braeden because you sure as hell don’t act like it,” I said. “since I met you. I knew it on our first date that I was gonna fall in love with you.” “oh…,” I said. Then I woke up and Im not quite sure what happened after that.. I know that this dream will never happen in real life. I know that you don’t love me like that. I know you don’t want me. And that’s okay. I’m eating. More than the last time we broke up. Im not drowning my feelings and filling my veins with alcohol like I did before. Im better. I might be sad but im better. My mom asked about you Friday, I had to tell her and she got mad at me for not telling her sooner… Telling her, made it seem so much more real. I didn’t want her to know because it gave me some sort of hope in us getting back together. I didn’t want her to not like you but she still likes you even loves you. I had another dream; all you did was text me about some hockey player attatched with a picture. It was weird and I don’t know what’s happening to me. Its been 4 days and I still haven’t cried.. its been a week and one day since we broke up and it still hurts just like it did the first time you broke up with me. Day 11 since we broke up… 2/1/17 10:31am Well its our almost what would have been six months of being together. 3 months of officially dating. But that doesn’t exist anymore. I got sad yesterday and of course im still sad today. I think about you all the time. You never leave my mind. It’s literally impossible to go a second without seeing thinking of you. I see you in everything I do. It hurts me but somehow makes me happy at the same time. I still have all our pictures and videos because I can’t seem to delete them. It would make me sad to know that I could never look back at all the memories we made. I am honestly surprised I am doing as well as I am. When we broke up the first time, I was a mess. I didn’t eat or sleep or anything really. The only thing I did was drink and drink and drink. Its all I did for a week straight. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t breathe. I felt sick. I missed my home. My comfort. My safe place. You were my home. I never felt safer than when I was in your arms. Your hugs made me feel warm and happy. No matter what I did or how I felt, you were always there for me. It’s hard to do things without thinking of you or it bringing back memories. I can’t listen to certain songs or go to certain places or order certain things without crying or feeling sadness because it is all associated with you. I remember every little detail about you and our relationship. It’s a constant cycle of me just replaying our memories in my brain. It’s never ending. You are on my mind when I wake up, all day, when I go to sleep, and even in my dreams. I can never get away from you no matter how hard I try. I know it’s not over for us. I feel it in my bones, my heart, my brain, my blood, everything. We are nowhere near done; not any time soon. I was talking to Meagan last night. I know what you are thinking; your best friend. My Mallory has told me over and over that all you did was use me for sex. But I don’t think you did. If I did, you wouldn’t have stayed with me for five months. You would have left me the second after we did stuff together. I think you genuinely cared for me and showed me how I should be treated and I cant thank you enough for that. I am so appreciative of you. I know you know that I am always there for you no matter what and that I will always care for you and that you will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I told her that I think we were getting super serious too fast and it scared you. You aren’t used to something like that. You take your time but I think you realized that you were falling and falling hard and fast and you didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. Im terrified. I didn’t know what I was feeling or how I was feeling. My emotions went crazy. I think I realized that I was falling too. I’m scared of being happy. Scared of being in love. Scared of fully opening myself up to someone. I know you are too. I don’t think you and Mallory or any of your exes had a connection like we did. I don’t think you felt like this with anyone but me. I really do hope you are doing okay because im not. Im doing horrible. Im constantly being asked if I am and I say yes but I know I am lying and I think they know im lying too. They still like you. They hope that we get back together. They want you to come over on super bowl Sunday. My dad asked about you… He said he missed you and he never says that about anyone. Im sorry I feel the way I feel. Im sorry I couldn’t help you get through what you needed to get through. I told Meagan that she could read this one day but I don’t think I will let her. Maybe one day I can stop writing because A) we get back together or B) I finally get over you. Man, I hope it is the first one. I really do. But for right now, I’m not done writing and I won’t be anytime soon.. I Love You So Much. Its 3:03am on Friday February 3rd, 2017. You sent me a song yesterday that you remixed. It was another one of your breakup mixes, you know, the ones that make you a lot of money and get you a lot of views… yeah one of those. I don’t know why you did it. Was it to hurt me? To remind me of you and that you still existed? Either way it was still good and I really like it. But I decided to look up the meaning of the lyrics and it hurt me. “fighting flames of fire hang onto burning wires we don’t care anymore Are we fading lovers?” It makes total sense. We had hardships in our relationship. A lot, actually. We are fading; we don’t talk anymore. We hung to burning wires; clinging for us to stay together. Fighting for what we wanted and needed. I cried for so long today. My mom is worried. I don’t know how long it will take me to be happy again. I’m getting drunk tonight, and Saturday and Sunday. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take my feelings and emotions and the pain. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stepped on by a bunch of elephants. You were like the ocean and I was drowning. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how I’m functioning. I am a functioning depressed person. I hope you regret it. I hope you regret leaving me. I hope you realize you made a wrong choice and that you come back to me. I hope that you think about me everyday.. and what we could have been. You texted me today.. 2/9/17.. you asked about your red jacket. I know you knew I didn't have it, or so I thought? Was it just an excuse to text me, to see me? What was it? Because i cant keep having you text me randomly when you miss me or when you feel like. Its fucked up on your end knowing how much I care for you.