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roetrolls · 16 days

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(Psst! This write happened first!) (And this one's happening beside it!)

Learned Behavior

“Benjin?”

Veylin’s gentle voice dips into the room at a volume somehow even softer than usual. Her melodic tone is laced with sympathy, and the sound of it twists Benjin’s stomach into knots. Does he really deserve that right now?

He casts his eyes to the floor as she joins him on the bed, smoothing her skirt as she sits.

“You don’t need to be here,” he objects weakly. “You don’t need to subject yourself to… y’know.”

“I have felt worse.”

The reassurance lays heavy between them, neither of them willing to acknowledge the full weight of it. He knows she has. God, he knows. The guilt sits in his gut like a stone.

“I wanted to hit something,” Benjin admits, eyes trained blankly ahead and fingers laced together in his lap. “I felt… possessed.”

He feels her shoulder bump lightly against his own. His throat tightens.

“I wish I was possessed. I… I don’t want that to be me.”

“You are allowed to feel things, Benjin.”

Veylin’s movements are delicate as she reaches for him, angling to place one palm atop his tense and trembling hands.

“You shouldn’t–” he chokes, ripping his gaze from the floor and turning to his moirail just as her skin meets his. Barely a second has passed before her face is wash with tears, cheeks laden with round, heavy drops that roll to her chin in a procession of shimmering blue.

When Ben opens his mouth to apologize, Veylin simply shakes her head. “You are allowed to have feelings,” she tells him again, voice shockingly steady in light of the tremendous emotion he has inadvertently shared with her.

“I felt violent, V. I don’t know what…” he pauses. Swallows. Starts again. “Did it…”

The question has barely formed in his mind when it catches in his throat. He can’t bring himself to ask. He doesn’t know if he can live with the answer.

“No.” Veylin gives Benjin’s hand a squeeze, his tears still pouring from her eyes. “It did not feel the same.”

A dry sob tears itself from his throat, accompanied by the faintest of tremors as he tugs his hands free of hers to wipe haplessly at his eyes.

Though sweeps of conditioning have rendered his own face completely dry, he cannot stymie the pitiful whimper that tumbles from his lips as the empath sets her arms around him and lays a gentle caress upon his back.

“There is nothing about you that feels like him. Nothing.”

“I felt like him,” he mewls. “If I had given in… If I had done what my body was telling me to do…”

“You didn’t.”

“I wanted to.”

“And instead you chose to exit.”

Benjin buries his face in his hands, taking a shuddering breath and fighting to ignore the pressure mounting in the bridge of his nose, hot and unnatural. “It scared me, V. It terrified me.”

She wraps herself around his arm, leaning softly against his shoulder. “I know this is rather rich coming from me… But you cannot expect to control your emotions. Only what they drive you to do.”

Her palm finds its way to his cheek, and she turns his head to face her.

“Benjin… It is natural to learn from one’s environment. You spent sweeps––formative sweeps––watching anger become violence. That is what they taught you. That is what they wanted to teach you.”

His vision starts to blur, finally overcome with the mist that he has been fighting to prevent.

“But that is not all you learned,” Veylin continues. “You know what it is like to be subject to that violence. You know exactly how easy it is to make someone feel unsafe, or frightened, or small. You know as well as he does.”

Ben squeezes his eyes shut, another tearless whine bubbling from his chest.

“But he wants that. He wants to hurt, Benjin. That is the difference.”

Even with eyes closed, he can feel as a single tear looses itself from the corner of his eye and rolls slowly down his face. Veylin’s thumb brushes it away, and soon her lips are on his cheek.

“You are kind. He did not take that from you.”

“I’m scared, V. I’m so scared,” he squeaks, pressing his face into the crook of her neck. “What was he thinking?”

Though he does little to indicate the shift in subject, his moirail has no trouble following along. She pauses briefly, considering her words with even greater care than usual. When she finally answers, there is a layer of guilt to her voice.

“He is scared too,” she admits quietly, almost pained to be breaking her cardinal rule regarding the sharing of other trolls’ emotions. “I… I do not believe he was hiding it, so much as… Hiding from it. The way I do.”

“This isn’t the kind of thing that disappears if we don’t look at it.”

“He knows. He is… embarrassed.” She averts her gaze, shoulders heavy with shame. “It is humiliating to make the wrong choices. Moreso to be confronted with them. But he knows.”

“I don’t want to be mad. I’m just… worried. If he can’t come to us… What about next time? What about when it really matters?”

“We are lucky to be faced with this now, then. If there is one thing Mallum has shown us, it is a capacity for change.”

#hiii #benjin writing #veylin writing #flashback #veyben #writing

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trollcafe · 2 years

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🎶por favor....

I cannot guarantee I'll find multiple songs for everyone but LISTEN.

Icarus - With Confidence ; For Benjin. One of my all time favorite songs first off. The written lyrics don't capture the absolute agony the artist sings with. Listening to this song is cathartic, it always made me think of my troll Jawska but I have recently thought of Benjin! I think once his nerves settle a lot, everything chills to where he sin't in survival mode, and he can really face the trauma, his agony will feel similar. This song is about an abusive lover but I think it really can reflect other forms of abuse, such as what Harlan put him thru.

Face the sun, face the sun Face the sun and fall You'll be the one, be the one Be the one, tomorrow Please remember me, I was seventeen Break your neck, break your neck Break your neck and follow

Rehab - People Planet ; For Kat. Okay so tbh I didn't remember the name i had to dig thru all 2k of my liked songs for it because i remember it being so. GOOD. so KAT. Specifically about her and Mallum!!! Song starts as reflecting over the abuse, although the artist wants the lover to go to rehab I think it can be rehashed into just. Getting better. And is still incredibly similar in wording to how Kat feels she is the issue, how Mallum repainted himself to be perfect for her. Allsssooo the ending is very good very spicy :)c

Please just go to rehab baby -- Pull yourself together Then come home so I can relapse Like it's you and me forever 'cause without you baby, I've been feelin' quite under the weather Ask me not to leave again, I promise you I won't And if you kiss me now it's over 'cause there's nothing more I want And baby I know that you think about how well we got along

Sleep Walking - Cinders ; For Veylin - This song has a very bitterly hopeful vibe to it. I also feel like it has potential for VeyBen ;)c The chorus lyric being "Something breaking and I don't know what to do Am I breaking down, or am I breaking through?" really fits Veylin, alongside the singer's occasional break in positive tone.

'Cause it all falls down, it's true That statement is long overdue It's not a bad thing, just an observation Hosted by my mind, I'm guilty by association It all falls down, I know So just sit back and enjoy the show Nothing to do but accept and allow What goes up will always fall down

#ghost.ask #I HAVE THE BEST TASTE IN MUSIC!!!#youve fallen into my trap of me showing music.#for others

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