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lethargicdeceiver · 7 years

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i need to vent.

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i won’t be able to take this much lonfer.

it’s been going on for a year now, and i’m just not strong enough.

i’m feeling worse and worse everyday, it’s been almost a year since i last cut but i feel like i may relapse at any moment.

it’s horrible to think how much time has passed, but three years ago, my mental health issues started to manifest itself. abour three years ago, i lived through the worst summer in my life, a horrible period of time when i was literally drowning in selfloathing and textbook depression, and it was also the time i guess i started to slowly realize that my parents are emotionally abusing me. i overcame it, locked it in, and lived through another year hating myself only casually, mostly just surviving, until a year after the first time, it all started to come back, i started selfharming and i also started seeking professional help. but at that time, at least i had so many people around me that loved me, cared about me and were always there to help me.

there were a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were so worth it, and even though i was literally a mess, especially during summer because i wasn’t on antidepressants yet, i had times when i could be genuienly happy. i decided to make this summer way, way better, i met friends, went to conventions, did stuff i loved and tried my best. when i felt like shit and wanted to die, which was often, i had people i could go to. i felt loved. i felt like i belonged.

i went through it all, it started to get better, and i was so happy. i could see it getting better, and even though it was kinda scary and unknown, because i forgot what good were, in the long run, it made me feel so good, and i could push through life and all of it’s hardships, all of the challenges it plus my mental illness put in front of me.

but at this time last year, it all started slowly going to shit again.

yeah, i graduated higschool with mostly no problems. i also lost a lot of friends thanks to it. it’s just not the same when you don’t see each other in the school halls every single day... and especially since i went to another city.

i mean, i really was thinking about staying at home for at least one next year, but i desperately wanted to get away from my parents, and for that, i am super glad i did, because even if they don’t change, at least i don’t need to listen to their bullshit everyday. only on the weekends and holidays.

but with that i also lost the people around.

even if we try to stay in touch, it’s just not the same. there’s a distance. with everyone.

there’s even distance with people i even thought i would get closer to thanks to the circumstances.

and it’s growing, between me and every single person i know, the gap is getting larger and larger.

i grew apart with everyone to the point that i myself can’t believe it.

and i don’t know why it happened, it may have been my fault, it may have been their, it may have happened naturally.

but it’s change. and i hate changes with burning passion.

personally, i never wanted to find new friend in college, and to be completely honest, i still don’t really want to: i would just like for the old ones to come back to the same kind of relationship we used to have. is that too much to ask?

but i didn’t even really find friend in college either, because i am unable to socialize properly. it started okay, then it went to shit, then it seemed okay for a minute too, but now it’s just... i don’t know. lots of people i thought i was gonna become friends with ended their studies, which is also a huge bummer. and generally, the socialization has never been going well, and is never going to go well, now i know, but still, it sucks so much.

so i’m alone, i have a roommate that literally doesn’t talk to me more than “hi” and “bye” (which is funny bcs in czech we even use the same word to greet and say goodbye, so it’s like literally one word we speak, it’s fucking unbeliavable) and at this point, almost no friend, and the few i have left... it’s not enough, it’s not what i would like, and mostly, it’s not what it used to be, and that hurts the most.

i feel extremely disconnected and both alone and lonely.

i don’t feel like there’s any point in living.

i regret everything.

i’m going to be twenty. and i accomplished nothing.

i have stories i want to write, games i want to make, song i want to cover, books i want to read, anime i want to watch, languages i want to read.

and yet, i am doing literally nothing. i feel like i’m just wasting every second of my goddamn life.

i’m getting older, time’s not going backwards, and i am missing opportunities with every second, and i will never even be able to accomplish anything.

i don’t know what i want from life. i always take up some hobby or so, but i always give up. i never finish anything. i don’t have motivation, and i get discouraged super easily. and yet, i would love to do great thing...

but i can’t even handle the fucking school. one, it’s very hard for me as a person. second, it’s very hard for me thanks to my mental illness. thirds, i’m fucking stupid and lazy and procrastinate and keep putting stuff off and then i just sit and cry while still not getting anything done. i don’t even know if they’re going to let me pass this semester, and to be honest, probably not, because it’s miracle that i got through the first one... but i’m not really sure what will i do if that happens.

i’ve watched my life crumble in my hand twice already, when i literally hi my rock bottom. but beside that, i have written a suicide note, i have hurt myself, i went through a lot of despair, i doubled my medication so i could just fall asleep and not think about stuff, i lost a lot of people, i withstood shitton of abuse from my parents, bullying in every school i went to. when i came to college, i had a hard time with taking in how everyone just accepted me as a normal person, as someone equal and not lower or vastly different, because that’s what i’ve been tought to be from all the people around my age.

even though it still all sounds kinda fake to me, i’ve gone through a lot. these two times i consider me hitting my rock bottom, i survived and pushed through, and stuff got better over time.

but that happened already twice, and now, it is supposed to happen for the third time?

i’m feeling worse and worse. it’s not really.. urgent, it’s more like i’m slowly losing my will to live.

i am very good at pretending that i am ok to my family and at school, and somehow even with friends, if i talk to anyone, i guess.

when i get the opportunity i drink myself to the oblivion, and i have been eating like a pig lately. i had a period of time when i got kinda addicted to cigarettes, but it passed and i don’t think will come back because the wonderful eu stopped making other flavors then mint, and i got too used to the sweetness and mildness of the blueberry ones that even the mints make me want to puke now.

but i shouldn’t drink because i take permanent medication, and also because i am starting a diet in a few days, so i also shouldn’t eat a lot, and not the comfort food. and now i don’t even have cigarettes, so how the fuck am i supposed to cope then? you are taking all the joy from my life away, i will have to result to cutting again to at least somehow release all the emotions.

i’m tired, everything pisses me off, and i split left and right, hating everyone, hating life, for not being the way i want, hating myself afterwards.

it’s all just piling up, i’m anxious a lot, but i am starting to get more and more lethargic to everything, and feel more and more dead inside. and i don’t know what to do. i have no idea, i’m lost, no clue what step should i take.

i don’t know if i find all this bullshit worth it.

i lived through the ultimate shit twice already, but the third time? i don’t want to. i’m not strong enough. i’m tired. i can’t handle it again. i won’t be able to survive this, if this continues, and oh if a miracle that i’m waiting for won’t happen, it will continue, because it’s been going on for a fucking year with literally no sign of getting even slightly better.

the moments of happiness are short lived, and getting shorter and shorter, and the cons of being alive are slowly outweighting the pros. it’s not worth going through all of this again, just to see everything fall into pieces and go into shit.

i don’t want to go through it again. i want to end this vicious cycle.

but i don’t know, i guess i’m even lowkey suicidal at this point. i’m mostly just wishing i would get hit by a car or something, rather and actively thinking of ways to kill myself. not saying that doesn’t happen too.

i just want everything to end.

because nothing is perfect and that’s the main problem.

and even though it may seem like i’m trying no blame people or something, it’s not, this is not a guilttrip and i don’t want to call anyone out or any of that bullshit. i’m just saying how the situation is.

tl;dr, from horrible times and complete mess, my life actually started to get better and i was very okay with that, but for the last year it has been only going downhill and i don’t know if i want to go through that cycle again. i may not survive it this time. i don’t know if i want to survive it for this price.

#personal

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hell-and-pepsi · 7 years

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what is a tagged can you eat it

I guess I was tagged by @ilwinsgarden ? That was a surprise, people don’t tag me in stuff too often, thank you very much!

Rules: Answer all the questions, then add one of your own, and tag as many people as there are questions

1) Coke or Pepsi? I never drank coke in my life. I tried Pepsi once so I guess Pepsi.

2) Disney or Dreamworks? I’d say Dreamworks, especially since my brother is a huge fan of How to Train your Dragon

3) Coffee or Tea? Tea, in all forms and quantities - from a cheap-arse tea bag put in a bucket of hot water to exquisite brands prepared by the rules of the Chinese traditional tea ceremonies

4) Books or movies? First read the book, then watch the movie based on it. Never vice versa (except if the book is really crappy compared to the movie)

5) Windows or mac? Windows! Also doors. Illuminators. Ceiling lights. Ventilation vents. If you can punch a hole through a wall, that’s nice too.

6) D.C. or Marvel? Not a fan of either.

7) Xbox or PlayStation? Never had neither of them.

8) Dragon age or mass effect? I never played neither of them and I don’t even have friends that played any of these :(

9) Night owl or early riser? Early riser. If you can manage to, which doesn’t happen to often to me unfortunately.

10) Cards or chess? I can barely play any card games, I don’t even know the names of the card suits in Russian (but I know them perfectly in English because Homestuck.) So chess, even though I haven’t played chess either in a very long time.

11) Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate any time.

12) Vans or converse? I don’t care much for fashion so either is fine

13) Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar? Low Sorbian? Volapük? Or are those not weird language names?

14) Fluff or angst? Both. Both is good.

15) Beach or forest? Um. Have you looked at my username. Well, I guess you should just look at it again

16) Dogs or cats? Cats! Especially my cat, Sebastian. Though dogs are cool as well.

17) Clear skies or rain? Clear sky! I am basically a reverse vampire, I can’t live without a blue sky and a bright sun up above. Also, stars at night *_*

18) Cooking or eating out? I’m broke, so cooking.

19) Spicy or mild food? I like spicy. But honestly, it all depends on the ability of the cook. Mild food can be very tasty too if done right.

20) Halloween/Samhain or solstice/yule/Christmas? @ilwinsgarden while answering this question said that they don’t celebrate Hallowe’en in Czech Republic and I relate - we don’t celebrate it in Russia as well save for the occasional shop sell.

But here we go even more extreme - we don’t celebrate Christmas either! In the Soviet times the main winter celebration shifted to New Year’s Eve, and that’s what we celebrate mainly up to this day. Christmas is a religious holiday solely, and moreover, because Russia is mainly an Orthodox Christian country and not a Prothestantic/Catholic/Anglican one, we celebrate Christmas two weeks later than Catholics (January the 7th).

Actually, even putting cultural differences aside, I don’t like the themes of both holidays. The modern media has generalized and cheapened them so that Hallowe’en is merely pumpkin spice and costumes instead of being a spiritual day, and Christmas is merely presents and trees instead of an important Christian milestone. I guess I enjoy Christmas a little bit more.

21) Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? Uhhh, that’s a tough one! But I am actually often a little too cold (including today), so if I choose a little too hot perhaps it can cancel it out? :D

22) If you could have a superpower what would it be? There are so many choices! Super intellengence would be helpful. Teleportation would allow me to travel anywhere in the world for free. If I could create plant life or accelerate its speed of growth, I could end famine.

23) Animation or live action? Both have their perks. Currently I’m more invested in animation, but I would really like to explore live action movies and even create ones myself.

24) Paragon or renegade? Okay, so I learnt a new English word today! Paragon, huh. And as much as I love the sound of that word I choose renegade. I’m a rebel by nature.

25) Bath or shower? Showers are cooler and more eco-friendly, but when you’re tired all you want is a nice hot bath. So both once again, depending on your state.

26) Team Cap or team Ironman? Like I said above, I’m not a fan of Marvel.

27) Fantasy or sci-fi? Don’t make me choose like this! But when I was younger I definitely enjoyed sci-fi more, and I know there’s still a lot of classic authors for me to explore.

28) Do you have 3 or 4 favorite quotes if so what are they? Oh boy, you came for a treat. “Fears are caused by a lack of understanding. And in the world we live in, you have unlimited information out there. There’s no reason you should be afraid of anything” - Ethoslab, my most favourite Youtuber and Minecrafter ever. I don’t remember the exact episode, but I believe it was in his Let’s Play series around 390-410 ish, when he was building Sandy City.

“I mean, I know you want it to stay pleasant around here, but — there are so many things … that are so much better. Like silly, or sexy, or dangerous … or brave. And every one of those things is in you all the time, if you just have the guts to look for them.” - Bud Parker, from the movie Pleasantville. Go watch it. It’s a true piece of art. I watched it in my English class in detail and it was absolutely delightful and amazing and so, so true.

“I never let school interfere with my education.” - (incorrect, I think) Mark Twain. Sums my feeling about school perfectly.

“Every moment is the moment, and everything you lose, you lose forever.” - my teacher. He told us once to remember this saying very carefully, even if we don’t understand it fully, because there may come a time where it will be very, very true for us. It is one of those quotes that you do not memorize, but which memorizes you instead.

29) YouTube or Netflix? I don’t have a Netflix account and I don’t even know whether the site is available in my country. But I spend endless hours on Youtube.

30) Harry Potter or Percy Jackson? Look at my nickname and my avatar yet again... plus I never quite got into Percy Jackson. I think I only read one book. Its fans make cool fanart though, with many different ships.

31) When do you feel accomplished? When I do something that’s supposed to be “in my field” and I do excellent on it. Also, contrariwise, when I have to go through something I’m scared or unexperienced to do and perform well.

32) Star Wars or Star Trek? Okay, please don’t kill me for this, but I never watched a Star Wars movie in my life. I also didn’t watch Star Trek, but I relate to it a little bit more because I’m a fan of Doctor Who which is a show from the same time. Plus Star Trek is responsible for a lot of modern sci-fi tropes, its fans started the modern fanfiction culture (including the concept of shipping), and it’s a historical and innovative piece in general.

33) Paperback books or hardcover books? I don’t have a strong opinion of this, and I read books online mostly nowadays. In my experience, different kinds of books are more prone to being in a hardcover or in paperback. Both of those types can be very enjoyable.

34) Fantastic beasts or Cursed child? Seen/read neither. (I feel so ignorant while answering those... haven’t seen that, haven’t read that...) But from what I saw and heard, especially from my little brother, Cursed Child is a hectic fanfiction piece somehow gone canon (and Rowling had barely to do with it anyway) and Fantastic Beasts is, well, a fantastic piece of work. Also Americans got their own Potter movie. (like A Very Potter musical wasn’t enough)

35) Rock or pop music? My music taste is dictated by artist, not style. That being said, nowadays I have more favourites in pop than rock.

36) What is the most important thing in your life? Keeping close to my principles/morals. Expressing those principles and morals in one way or another, because I find it something important to show to other people. Trying to help the people I call my friends. Trying to make sense in this big mess of things we call the world.

37) Mountains or sea/ocean? Tough question again! But I guess I’ve been to the sea like, thrice in my life, and never been to the mountains, so sea/ocean.

38) How do you express yourself? Mostly in words and sometimes in action. But my ultimate goal is to create content through which I could successfully express my view of the world.

39) What’s the first book/film that really counted to you? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. When I was little I never cried at books at movies. But there was something in chapter 34 (where Harry has learn the truth about himself and goes to the Forbidden Forest to be killed by Voldemort) that made me shed my very first tear. The name of the chapter was The Forest Again, so, well, you can see how big of an impact it was for me.

40) What’s your element (air, water, etc.)? I want to be the Avatar! :D But seriously, I can’t really choose. By my star sign, Leo, it’s fire.

41) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Is “everywhere” an option?

42) If you had any job in the world, what would it be? A teacher in a school that is actually a good school. Not that those exist. Or a cartoon/anime/movie director/screenwriter.

43) If you were granted three wishes, what would they be? I guess all unlimited wishes hacks are banned, so:

1) World piece 2) Unlimited food to end world famine 3) Unlimited eco-friendly power source to end (most of) the world’s ecological problems.

44) If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza! Because you can put anything on a pizza.

45) What’s currently the most pressing issue on your mind, and what’s stopping you from fixing it? Is “everything” an option” [2]? But seriously, it’s probably my unpreparement for the uncoming exams and the search for my future career. The first one is caused by just lazyness and the boringness/objective unimportance of the exams, and the second time always takes time, naturally. So they are pressing, but at the same time I don’t worry too much at “failing” them.

46) What is your dream companion animal? A cat! Or a cool bird, like a jay or an oreole.

47) Raptors or songbirds? Raptor songbirds. Just imagine.

48) Do you think there is life on other planets in universe? “Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. “ Arthur C. Clarke sums my opinion on this pretty welI

Woah, that’s a lot of questions! It also took me a lot of time to answer them, it’s super late for me now. Here’s my question:

49: If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, what would be some of the things that you do?

And I can’t possibly tag 49 people, so here’s just some: @polyglotplatypus, @kuufox, @artisticprotector, @cultureklub, @crap-iccioso, @glannniglaepur, @stefan-stefansson, @moonpaw17, @klavierr, @antialiasis, @johannesviii and basically anyone else who wants to do this. And if you don’t want to do it, of course you’re not obliged in any way. @ilwinsgarden thank you so much for tagging me once again!

#this was much fun!#tagged #tag meme #ask meme #personal

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