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astrum-aetherium · 9 months

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seeing the degradation thing, maybe he's fucking you real rough and he's saying multitudes of mean things and when you come down, you start crying because you actually think he means it like (in your words) a: you faithless, filthy waste of breath, and good god, just shut it… you filthy-mouthed, disobedient thing, a stupid whore, a desperate, pathetic little brat, for examples sake. i know i'd find it so fucking hot during sex, but after i'd reflect on it and, as a chronic over thinker, believe it

oh, i get it. in a manner of speaking, degradation is not for the weak, i suppose, especially the anxiety-ridden and slightly self-doubting overthinkers of the henry-infatuated bunch. completely understandable.

even if you did start crying afterward due to having convinced yourself of his words ringing true, you see, my sick self would still want him to laugh at me and call me pathetic for having done so, stupidly. but that's just me and my therapy-craving inner world. i genuinely need him to be mean to me to the point i'd feel numb, it's something i question frequently. i just love a rude, apathetic, ruthless man with no redeeming qualities for some freudian reason.

in a more gentle scenario that i think would appease a broader selection of people, though, there is potential for a profounder kind of aftercare from henry. i do believe he wouldn't be able to know what to do or say around a crying individual (i believe him to be on the spectrum), but if it was someone he cared about, i sense he would at least try. he wouldn't ask what's wrong — he'd know, i think, based on the roughness he had previously inflicted upon you and the words he had spat at you — and merely hold you, wordlessly, thereby reassuring you of his remaining support and adoration. that would mostly be it.

oh, and he'd boil you some tea afterward. nothing like a warm rag and slightly warmer chamomile tea after sex so rough and verbally degrading you'd be left weeping.

#henry winter imagine #henry winter x reader #henry winter thirst #indulgent thoughts #astrum asks #henry winter ruthless degrader agenda #i said what i said #unpacking my trauma! just kidding #this clueless mf #but yes i agree on the overthinking part #i'm just not a crier let alone in front of others #so i'd just bitterly suck it up and then explode when i'd get home

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angelsdean · 1 year

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anyways i think dean WOULD hate his younger self (at first) because he DOES see his younger self as both HIMSELF (so it doesn’t count !!) but also as a stranger he doesn’t recognize anymore (esp if it’s a pre-hell version of him) and feels a lot huge cocktail of shame / guilt / jealousy for ruining the future for his younger self AND for the fact that his younger self still hasn’t made HIS mistakes and he’s still pure and good and better than older dean thinks he’ll ever be. and also, sex work for survival and being a victim of sex abuse can make you feel shame / regret and older dean (who has neverrrrr had a chance in the narrative to deal with ALL the trauma he’s faced) likely would still carry some negative feelings toward his younger self for making those choices (even if they weren’t really choices ! even if he was often the victim !) bc older dean, even being in his 40s, has not yet learned to cope and process and heal and untangle the complex feelings of those experiences (also hell trauma and Michael possession trauma definitely retriggered and added to the trauma he already had re: his body and autonomy). And I think it’s just much more complex than dean meeting his younger self and just seeing a kid to protect. I think it can be both that AND he’s also grappling with a lot of internalized self-hate and guilt and shame. And I think exploring those themes is fun and good and narratively interesting.

#sorry is this causing drama? i just. i don’t mean it in that way but. i just think these things should be nuanced #and are not just cut and dry black and white #there are shades of grey. esp when it comes to the complex way dean views himself and all the trauma and things he’s never beeen able to #properly deal w/ and unpack #and I think it also depends on what version of late seasons dean you have meeting a younger dean #if it’s post canon and he’s happy and been to therapy then yeah he’s gonna love the kid #but before that? he’s got soooo much shit and conflicting issues w/ himself and his past to unpack #and most of the fics that have him being shitty (at first!) are abt him dealing w/ those issues #and coming to terms with himself both who he is and who he was #and learning to love and forgive himself #anyway these are all themes that I’m personally interested in exploring and I love when dean gets to heal by learning to love himself #vic.txt

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the-casbah-way · 6 months

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i suppose i owe it to myself to not die but also to stop talking myself out of things that might make me happier because i would be a much better person for everyone around me if i were able to navigate the world in the way i want to because insecurity and bitterness and constant suicidalness do just make you not as kind sometimes i think. i would like to be confident enough in myself to speak and be seen and therefore be as kind as i feel i am on the inside. i hold back so many things because i am scared of being perceived so maybe if i let myself do the things that will help me be ok with being perceived then i will put more good out into the world. i always get hung up on the fact that i so badly want to be good and kind and i care so so much about other people but as it stands currently most people would not really bother too much if i wasn't here anymore because i'm so cut off from everything emotionally and physically. someone send me c.300 quid so i can pay for therapy and you can stop being subjected to posts such as these, by the way.

#who am i kidding the cheapest therapists here are 45 quid for one session and i have a lifetime of unpacked trauma #there is no hope for me #even today i was sat at this desk with two seats right #and these two girls came in and couldn't find two seats next to each other so they had to sit at separate desks #and i wanted to ask if they would like to swap seats with me so they could sit together #but i was already having such a bad and dysphoric day that the idea of someone hearing my voice was making me tear up in public #so i just didn't do anything. and then couldn't concentrate on my work because i felt guilty #i do this with literally every conceivable interaction by the way. i <3 being me #maybe my problem is that i pretend i do not care about anyone or anything but i am in fact the most sensitive person on this earth

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justanotherblogger · 2 months

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★ Soul Searching ★ 1

(Oh, look! Another Tang au)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(TW some descriptions of throwing up, but it's very brief)

Sunlight shines onto Pisgy's early in the afternoon, bathing everything in a warm, cozy light. The sign outside is shown brightly to the busy streets.

The weathering on the door and outside counter gives it a homey look. Everything to the way the windows are opened just enough to let the smell of noodles out, to the chalk announcement board with swoopy letters making its charm.

Inside the hole-in-the-wall restaurant, the sound of bubbling and the flickering lights above add to its atmosphere. The growing pile of to-go orders now shoved to the side so the chef can see the lobby.

Barely anyone is actually sitting in the restaurant. Just the chef in the back, with a green teenager and an older looking man with glasses sitting at the bar.

The chef seems to be fed up with the both of them. "Can't you two do something other than taking up valuable space while I'm working?!"

The man in the glasses just shrugs and smirks at the outburst, continuing to sip some noodles he grabbed from the ever growing to-go pile. "Pisgy, Pisgy, Pisgy. If we were to leave, who would give you such riveting conversation? And besides, we're patiently waiting for Mk to come back."

Pisgy just glares at the man before speaking up louder than the first time. "Mei is waiting for Mk to come back." Pisgy gesture with a wooden spoon to Mei, who's looking at her phone with an unserious expression.

The man with glasses just raises a brow in response. Pisgy sighs heavily before continuing his rant. "And heck, so am I! He's left so many orders here, I could probably afford to fire him if I sold 'em all myself!

"Now what are you even doing? Mooching off of Mk's generosity for free noodles, and just sitting in front of me with a smug look on your face like I'm an idiot, which I'm not! Your so lucky I don't kick you out any time you set foot in here Tang."

Tang just laughs in response, spilling some sauce onto the ground as he readjusts his glasses to look at Pisgy. "Oh please Pisgy, you know you love me~" He said in a jaunty tone, smirk never falling. "If you didn't, I would've been in the hospital by now! Probably with a wooden spoon lodged in my head."

Tang continues to chuckle, with Mei joining in soon after Pisgy stomps off back to the kitchen, grumbling up a storm.

"He's always so grumpy! Maybe he's a bit more ticked today because Mk 'ain't back yet for all those orders." Mei says to Tang absent-mindedly, eyes focused on her screen as she slouches on her stool.

Tang huffed, amused. "Hah, maybe. I just think he has his apron in a twist all the time." He giggles at his own joke before pulling a stained and well-worn book off the counter.

"Journey to the West ", a classic in Tangs' personal opinion. He immeadietly flips the long time annotated pages to a specific bookmark, stopping right on top of a bright red post-it note.

Most of his scribbles were how inaccurate some of the legends were, how the stories were twisted to be seen in a good light for an easier consumption, Tang guesses. It hurt him to see so many people enjoy these fake stories, but at least he knew most of the truth.

However, there were parts that were kept somewhat accurate. Those were the ones Tang liked to reread the most, ones marked with bright red, from the only version available in metrapolis.

1, 2, 3.

4 red post-its fly past his vision as he takes in the legends, smirking at some passages before the next page was turned.

An hour had passed if Tang had to guess. The pile stopped growing after Pisgy gave up on Mk coming back in time. He's now sitting next to Tang on the bar, with Mei sitting at one of the nearby tables, seemingly still scrolling on her phone.

Tang had been working on his fifth bowl of to-go noodles when the ground started to rumble violently. It shook everything in the shop; things like chairs toppled over and loose kitchenware fell to the floor.

Mei screamed as her phone flew out of her hands and onto the table, Pisgy tried to stabilize himself on the counter while swearing up a storm, and Tang held up his bowl so nothing spilled out, one hand on the bowl the other holding on the counter for dear life.

It finally subsides after a couple of seconds, leaving the shop in disarray. "What the heck was that?!" Pisgy shouted as he righted himself back onto a bar stool.

"Ugh, I don't know, piggy. That was definitely stronger than a mega street race or an out-of-control party at the anti-gravity arcade." Mei answered as she sprawled across the table to take back her now cracked phone. She let out a small Aww, man! afterwards.

Tang had been gasping the entire time, seemingly trying to regain lost breath from the mysterious earthquake. "I don't know how *huff* you guys recover *huff* so quickly like that! Phew. It took all my strength just to save these precious noodles!" Tabg held up the bowl as some sort of proof, with half its contents missing.

"Maybe that's just because you're old, Tang." Mei smirked at him. Tang just scoffed after her with Pisgy giving an amused huff in the background.

Tang put his bowl of noodles back onto the counter before bending down to retrieve his book. It had a few noodle stains, but it's been through much worse than that. It isn't that bad.

Just as Tang sat back onto his stool, the restaurant doors burst open with a winded Mk in the middle of them.

"Mk! Where have you been? We've been stacked through the roof with noodles that were ordered ages ago! Our customers have already given ZERO STARS Mk!" Pisgy said, grabbing Mk by the ear and sitting him down across from him at one of the tables.

"Now you better have a good reason for this, or else I'm cutting your pay for a month with full work hours."

Mk seemed to go through a mix of sheepishness, awe, confusion, and shock before he answered in long winded rambles.

"Pisgy, Mei, Tang, the legend of the Demon Bull King is real! The Demon Bull King family took Monkey Kings staff off his prison, which I took in return to defend myself, and now he's probably out there wrecking everything! And now he's probably after me too because I have the staff and all those legends Mr. Tang told me were true, and now I'm freaking out!" Mk finished his ramble by lifting up the red and gold staff in his hand.

The restaurant was silent... before hysterical laughter from Pisgy and Mei filled the restaurant. "Bahahaha! You can't expect me to believe that kid! Those are all just legends!" Mei spoke up. "Hahahahah! Yeah, Mk! Are you sure you didn't get a concusion from that earthquake?"

Mk pouted as he raised the staff once again. "But I'm telling the truth! This is the Monkey Kings staff, and all those legends were true! You at least believe me, right Mr. Tang?"

But Tang didn't answer. He just stared at the staff blankly. His hands dug into the pages of his book until they were wrinkled beyond repair. "Mr. Tang? You okay there?" Mk asked in concern.

"That's... that's Sun Wukongs staff." Tang whispered through short breaths, still staring at the staff.

Mk quickly turned around to Pisgy and Mei. "See? At least someone sensible believed me."

Pisgy scoffed before challenging Mk. "If that really is the Monkey Kings staff, then why don't you show off some of its oH MY-"

But it was too late, as the staff elongated quicker than light and smashed straight through one of Pisgy's tables.

Mk showed them a bright smile. "Haha! See that?! That was freaking monkey power -"

Sounds of scraping metal and something hitting the floor stopped Mk mid sentence. Everybody turned around to face the bar.

Tang was on the floor, shaking violently with laboring breaths between small mumbling. His stool and book strewn to the sides as Tang kept staring at the staff, eyes unseen behind the reflections in his glasses.

Pisgy rushed over quickly, reaching out to shake Tang on the shoulder. "Woah, woah. Tang, are you doing alright there?"

But before Pisgy could even tough Tang's shoulder, his arm was swat away with a surprising amount of force. Pisgy cursed as Tang gasped and mumbled something out in response. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, Pisgy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; I just, I was shocked to see Sun- erm, the Monkey Kings staff in person like that, with the implications of the Demon Bull King back out again in out city."

Pisgy just huffed, "You're fine, Tang." Pisgy slowly put his hand around Tang's shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze.

"Thanks, Pisgy. I'll just... I'm gonna need some time for a moment. Go get Sandy; I'm sure he'll have some ideas about this." Tang gave a wobly smile as he slowly stood up.

Pisgy gave a scrutinizing look before seemingly giving up. "Yeah, you're right. He would know what to do." Pisgy turned back to the worried looking Mk and Mei. "Were gonna go meet my friend Sandy. He was THE MOST blood thirsty person I knew before..."

Their voices faded out of the restaurant as Pisgy ushered them out, with Tang left standing in the lobby. He just stood and let his smile drop for a moment. Eyes seemingly glazed over as he slowly walked back to Pisgy's bathroom.

His thoughts became louder and louder as he got closer and closer, collapsing as they started to become akin to stabbing his skull. Tang grits his teeth in pain as he lurches forward. Tears ran down his face along with black liquid out of his mouth, dripping onto the tile. He threw up.

Dark liquid and chunks of what looked like characol flooded into the toilet. He coughed violently before sagging onto the floor, mouth tasting like ash.

Tang takes off his glasses and puts them to the side as he puts the toilet seat down and flushed it. He sat on the toilet seat and forced himself to take deep breaths.

He thinks back to Pisgy, Mei, Mk, and that fucking staff... he hopes they'll be ok.

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#lmk tang #lmk #lmk au #tang #tang monkie kid #soul searching au #lego monkie kid #I have thought about his one for a while #probably a bit more angsty than the other #will still be updating all of my works here #wooooo #there's so much lore to unpack you people dont even know #i am so tired #but i love it #*pats this Tang* this little guy can fit so much MORE trauma!

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