ough

im havin that 3am leftovers, some reason i cant sleep, woke up abd remembered that i didnt eat but one small meal and a coffee yesterday, so i decided to eat the chicken and rice that i cooked for someone else who aint eat it, then im eating it now, and i am havin trouble eating and im having triuble eating recently and i have work in 3 hours and my body hurts so terribly and i got the flu so fucking hard and i never had time to rest, i dont think im sick anymore but my body was so wrecked and i never rested the whole time because im so fucked, then i had to fucking crawl my way through two shifts and go home to clean and die and cook for others and then two days of just the worst absolute shit, i was supposed to rest yesterday and the day before and now i have this permanent cough and like a splinter in my heel that never came out and it just hurts forever and my knees hate me because im so fat and im so fat because im so broke and ridden and now my body is sore again and i haven't been eating and i havent been sleeping and i havent been resting and i haven't been living and i havent been making art which feels like breathing so it feels liek i havent been breathing. and so ill eat the goddamn leftovers because there cannot be food wasted and money wasted and in my heart it tears at my soul to throw away an animals meat and i know ill cry like a fucking dumb idiot bitch if i let this birds muscle go to waste. poor thing probably died thirsty for freedom. i sometimes feel like i owe it to all the birds and cows ive eaten to be wrecklessly free. like a slave to freedom. like this cant end well free. dont think about it free. because i fail at everything i do, so i dont think im the soul on earth wholl use freedom to help anyone. it seems like every time i try really really hard to help someone they either treat me like a snake or they cage me like a bird. so wadda hell bulnasaur. eat the fucking chicken you idiot. permanent cough lets hope not i picked the wrong fucking time to be forced to quit smoking i fucking have a goddamn pattern id like to stick to and i think being forced like this is gonna make it so much worse. before id smoke for like a month and quit for two years. and it works for me, no one believes me and thats fine i know cigs are scary but fuck i didnt care because it worked pretty well and i hardly ever thought about it. but now im supposed to trust someone who patently doesnt believe me about the way my goddamn guts are stitched together and forces me to fucking stifle my heart, no cigs, no fire, no electric experiments, and no glass juggling. this is fucking shit man i have no right being this still all the time. no loud music, no incense, no anything that i love what the fuck. okay this was too much actually. the joys are worth it though, im no goddamn fool