#ugh i just wanted to jot down some timeline points but it grew into some vague Writing Piece and took 2 hours to write down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

urlocallesbiab · 1 year

Text

for a long time i couldn't settle on a precise timeline of when exactly do dirk and todd each fall in love and then realize the feelings, and what do they do about it, and now i think some things have finally clicked into place

for dirk, it's the instant he meets him. it's a nebulous feeling then, somewhere between boundless excitement about a new friendship and a giddy crush, too large and joyous to be fully examined and understood; it simply is, and it's fuck-off happy.

throughout the next few days, he gets pangs, deep and fluttering and breath-catching pangs, when todd agrees, helps out, acts brave, accepts, when todd chooses him, despite everything; but it doesn't fully settle until that day in the woods. they're so close, having actually great time, side by side; they nearly die together; todd's hands are soft on his face — and it washes over him, crystal clear, decisive, as he sees this man stand before him in full light, open and honest and ugly and trusting and raw, the truth simply reveals itself to dirk: "i am in love with this man. i love him."

but still, it's more of a friendship to him at that point; having a friend is so new, incredible, mind-blowing, and todd's platonic affection is so dizzyingly tangible, and "i am your friend" is everything dirk could have ever wanted in his entire life. he is perfectly, absolutely happy, and honestly doesn't wish for anything else.

then he's alone; he's alone for quite a while, and he begins to want. he fantasizes about what he can't have, and since he can't have anything, he thinks about everything — his desires reach further, encompass more; the dreams grow more frequent, more tender, closer. "he's perfect" with a hopeless, breathy, utterly-in-love edge to it.

and finally they meet, and god, the want does not go away. s1 is a crush developing into a bright, sure love, and s2 is love developing into a lovesickness; s2 is when dirk pines. he casts yearning looks after todd; can't help but think, forlornly, unthankfully, "oh, but what if he kissed me. what if he kissed me. oh, please, please"; reaches out to catch todd's hand and never does; puts space between them, bristle and brittle and too-close-to-something; hopeless. he gets awfully drunk, professes undying love, makes out with todd harder than he ever did in his whole life, and in the morning pushes it all away and under the rug; it was all magic, wasn't real, didn't count — not in the way dirk wanted it to count. and then altogether too many awful things happen, and he mostly worries about that.

when todd is back by his side, it is such awesome undescribable joy, there's no space for anything else; they're alive, alive, alive! and they scramble to stay alive quite a bit, after that. when dust and horror and otherworld strings settle, it's neither peaceful acceptance nor painful longing; dirk is happy, warmly fully brightly soaringly happy, and also hopeful. he wants some things for himself. he's not fully sure how to go about that, but he does, and he will.

***

for todd, there’s not a certain moment of falling; it's all a mess, frankly, a whirlwind, an ugly mix of apprehension and annoyance and hatred and trust and excitement and lies and truth; it's too much to think about. he doesn't have a perfect understanding, or a good label, but he does have a ratty t-shirt, a dry mouth and a swoopy stomach, determination, and some earnest words. "i'm here because i'm your friend," — whatever it might mean between them. it means everything.

then it's even worse of a mess, despair, sleepless nights, running, chasing, some shapeless feeling haunting him, some vague suspicion rising in his stomach, restless, a romance growing and snapping, settling into a soft "lets not talk about it", some vague suspicion tensing in his chest and lungs, something, almost; and then, somewhere inbetween seeing dirk in the middle of some fucking field and losing his mind with delirious glee so badly he just screams, and making an indignant face at the question of "you blew up life for this?" (what, like he wasn't meant to? like there ever was another option? like there's any life worth living that isn't this?) — somewhere inbetween that, it becomes, suddenly and fully, so very clear. he is in love.

it's a simple feeling, one he doesn't examine, because there's not much to examine; it's bright as day, calm, steady, existing. he doesn't feel guilty about it, or conflicted, or pained: frankly, he's got more important things to worry about. he folds his hands around dirk like a hurt bird, gentle, careful, gives him space but coaxes him out, confronts but comforts him, plays their little jokes and gives their grand speeches, stays just behind and dashes forward, saves him, saves him, saves him, with all he's got. he speaks his mind for dirk, honest (almost; to the plea of "why, why, why—", "this is all for amanda" is a good lie, an almost-truth, stable, a reasonable choice). he does, with all his heart, the right thing.

even when they kiss, he almost doesn't feel guilty — if he scrunches his eyes real hard, he can nearly convince himself that it's all magic's fault, that things happen, that dirk has (should have) probably forgotten, that it's alright; that he shouldn't bother his best friend with all these weird feelings when dirk's mentally struggling and that he won't, that it's okay, really. soon enough, he's got much worse things to worry about; and much worse things to actually feel shameful over.

when dirk swoops back to save his life, radiant, this gets maybe a little bit harder to control. it's still devotion, steeled, forged, but maybe a little more fervent, with grasping touches and unchecked decisions and unfiltered words; affection spills out of him, unbound, bold, feverish, when he looks dirk in the eyes. it's unclear whether dirk sees it or not; it doesn't matter at all.

they emerge utterly victorious. they celebrate, and hold each other, and todd doesn’t have the space anymore to pretend that he would choose anyone, anytime, over dirk. the future before them is unpredictable but so hopeful, so promising, and he feels alright, truly, actually alright; and his inhibitions feel maybe a little bit cracked under the exultant weight of everything, and especially dirk's hand. he'll figure it out, he guesses. honesty is the game.

and i don't know yet what'll happen in my version of s3, but that’s for Sure the season where they confess and get together, though not without drama, obviously — a lot of drama, as is due.

#dghda #dirk gently's holistic detective agency (tv 2016)#brotzly #dirk gently #todd brotzman #dghda meta #(i think?)#vikarambles #vika's personal dghda tag #i love me some run-on sentences it's a stylistic choice #ugh i just wanted to jot down some timeline points but it grew into some vague Writing Piece and took 2 hours to write down #and now ive got only 4 hours to sleep before the alarm. good fucking lird #these gay men will be the death of me #writing

83 notes · View notes