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myectjourney · 6 years

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ECT procedure #27 (7/18/2018)

This is my twenty-seventh electro-convulsive therapy procedure & my fifteenth bilateral procedure.

Pre-treatment analysis:

This is my first appointment in 2 weeks which means I had a pretty long break.

To be honest, it really hasn’t been so bad! I had a day or two where I felt a lot of anxiety or depression mostly based on things happening around me but sometimes those kinds of things are unavoidable. I really felt like these last two weeks went pretty well and I was happy to notice some of my memories coming back to me. This is a huge deal for me because losing some of my memories was the hardest part of doing ECT for me. In fact, one of those days I was feeling a lot of anxiety was actually yesterday because I was/still am really nervous and doubtful about going to ECT today mainly because I feel like I’ve made so much progress with regaining memories that I am scared I am going to lose all of that when I go back in today. Part of me thought “maybe I should cancel and just stop doing ECT altogether. I am feeling mostly fine and my depression is manageable now (which is wasn’t before) so whats even the point of going back? I want to remember the things I forgot more than anything right now.” but then another part of me thought “I need to go back and finish what I started. There is a reason they tapper you off so you don’t go into a full depressive relapse. Do you want that? No. You have to go and take the risk.”. It’s never fun to be felt like your own brain is pulling you in two different directions.

So here I am, about to drive up to my appointment. I decided that it was worth the risk and even if it sucks to feel like you are recovering memories just to have them ripped from you again, it’s not worth being SUPER depressed all the time. It’s not worth feeling like you want to die all the time. It’s not worth sitting on your couch or bed wondering what is wrong with you because you have a mental illness or multiple mental illnesses and hoping that somehow you will just fade away from existence.

Remember that if you can when you are also feeling doubt about going back to your ECT appointments. Remember THERE IS A REASON THEY SCHEDULED YOU THE WAY THEY DID. This is the treatment plan they thought was best for you so you can have the best results and recovery.

I understand what it’s like to have that doubt and anxiety in your head that tells you “Is it worth going to if I feel crappy about going and that in its self is making me more depressed and anxious?”. I wonder that too and am going into my appointment feeling that way. “Is it worth it?” is the big question. I don’t have all the answers but I can say if you can manage to get past that doubt, I think it’ll be okay and you will make it through. If you can’t get past it, maybe you should stop because maybe that means it isn’t working out for you OR maybe your shock level needs to be upped or if you are doing unilateral, maybe you need to switch to bilateral. EITHER WAY, make sure you tell your doctor what you are feeling and thinking. Get their opinion on what to do next. Don’t just quit out without saying anything because that could potentially make you so much worse. I will always say this over and over again: communicate with your doctor! I can’t even emphasize how important that is. If you don’t, you will be stuck with that doubt forever and possibly spiral into that pit of fear and depression again and doctors can only help you to the best of their abilities if they know what is going on and you are fully open, honest, and receptive.

I plan on bringing up my doubts today before they shock me and will update on what they say if I can remember. If not, I will schedule an office visit to discuss these fears and doubts.

For all the people out there reading because they are getting ECT, STAY STRONG! You are doing your best and you GOT this! <3

Post-treatment:

I feel like this treatment session went well. I talked with my ECT doctor about my fear of losing the memories I am regaining and before they put me under for my procedure, they reassured me that one ECT treatment will not reset my all my progress with my memory. They also reassured me that my recollection of memories will improve as I go down on the frequency of treatments as well. Hearing that definitely helped me feel less anxious before the anesthetic was injected.

This confirms what I was saying earlier on how it is so important to talk to your doctors about how you are feeling not just physically but mentally. It can also be beneficial for you if you are already getting these treatments done because keeping it all bottled up and not having your questions answered can counteract your progress because it’ll make you feel more anxious and depressed.

That aside, after I woke up I felt fine. Just a hungry and a little spacey as usual. The rest of the day I was able to do things like run a few errands with the help of my partner. I didn’t feel like I lost much memory after this session. Maybe a little harder to recall the previous day but it wasn’t completely wiped from my brain or anything.

Over all, I’d say things went well.

Results:

Long-term Memory Questions: All questions answered correctly with minor hesitation.

Short-term Memory Questions: All but one question answered correctly with minor hesitation.

Slow cognition: Yes (minor)

Memory loss: Yes (minor)

Attention span: Good.

Tiredness: Yes (minor)

Trouble retaining newer memories: Yes (very minor)

Symptoms:

● Headache (moderate)

● Loss of balance (minor)

● Fatigue (minor)

~ End of ECT day #27 ~

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