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magic5ball · 4 years

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Nature Trail to Hell Arc III: The Blood Curse of Tako Shak

Chapter 1: Roadside Hysteria

As the saying goes, I went into the Underworld a midget, came out a giant. At least, I think that’s a saying. I also came out covered in wood dust and all those other things you get from falling through a ceiling, but that’s not the point. Anyway, when F-Bomb and I got up, I realized I’d smashed a house under my foot. Now normally, in these types of situations, I’d have no idea where I was, but this place, tiny as it was, actually looked too familiar. Back when I was a nano-Watt, my parents would take me to this toy train museum out in the country. We did this so many times, I memorized the whole way there. So I can swear on my Mother’s grave I tell you the truth when I say this looked exactly like the Pennsylvanian countryside, complete with horse and buggies, anthracite mines, old timey towns, and in the distance, the perfect view of the Statue of Liberty.

“Oh. My. God!” I gasped. “F-Bomb, I think we went through puberty!”

To which my good friend slapped my face with his free hand (the other was cradling a much worse for wear Sailor Moon) “No, we didn’t get growth spurts, Turd. I mean really,” he cried, picking up a tree. “These stupid things don’t even go up to our ankles. Did you honestly think people grew like that?!”

I opened my mouth to speak.

“On second thought, I don’t need an answer. You’re Turd, of course you thought it was some kinda growth spurt.”

“Well, we were in the Underworld a pretty long time.” I said, tipping over the world’s most adorable little water tower “Maybe the world just shrunk while we were away.”

“Watt, Watt, Watt. That’s not how it works. Everyone knows time works different in the Underworld. What was weeks to us down there was probably only a few days up here. Besides”

He pointed to the horizon. “Last I heard, the Pennsylvania countryside wasn’t protected by childproof glass!”

“So… what are you saying?”

F-Bomb glared at me “Do I REALLY have ta spell it out for ya, Turd?! Look around. Since when did planes just fly around in circles?! Attached to wires?! Since when did this country have trains from five different decades riding around at the same time?!” He pointed to the miniature houses, filled with smiling, laughing couples with their kids. “Since when did this country have so many functional relationships?!”

Before F-Bomb could finish, the sky grew dark (well, except where we’d fallen through the roof) and a spotlight illuminated the giant Statue of Liberty. In the distance, the most angelic voice I ever heard belted out ‘God bless America’. It was so beautiful, a single tear crept down my face. But like all things beautiful and patriotic, it couldn’t last. A minute later, it was morning again.

“A-and THAT THING just happened! Don’t you get it, we’re in some kind of model train display!”

I wanted to protest, come up with some witty comeback line, but I had nothing. F-Bomb was right. As much as I wanted this to be real, there was no way the real America would ever be this patriotic.

Good thing an army of thimble sized people started marching out of their homes, gathering around us like ants at a picnic, or I mighta gotten depressed. F-Bomb looked down at the miniature horde gathered at our feet. Outwardly, he was his usual hard clawed, serious self, but inside I could tell he was thrilled to see someone even smaller than him for once.

“Who the fork are you weenies?” He exhaled from his nostrils was so strong it blew some of them into the next county, all of five feet away.

At the front of this group was a bearded guy wearing a straw hat, suspenders, and several other fashion choices that the 1800’s were inevitably gonna call and demand back. In fact, everyone was dressed in clothes my Grandma probably picked out of the Goodwill bin when she was little.

“Greetings, good neighbor! It is I, Abraham Fisher, good disciple of the Heavenly Father. And I thank you and the heavenly, the merciful, the almighty Lord for coming to our aid!”

The crowd erupted into cheering. In the back, several couples burst into tears and started hugging each other.

Confused yet? Because I sure was. In fact, I almost voiced my confusion, but before I could say ‘What the heck is going on here?’ F-Bomb had already connected the dots and shut me up good. Now, before we continue, just know that the Deinono are known for being the greatest grifters in the Underworld (at least, on their turf) because, man, did F-Bomb pull the grift of an (after) lifetime! I’ll try to word it best I can, but trust me, it was a lot more believable when he said it.

First, he took his hands and spread them out like he was peeling back an invisible curtain.

“Dang straight, worldly peons! It is I, Archangel Michael, sent by the Heavenly Father himself to smite the evil that besieges this unhallowed realm! And with me are Jesus Christ” he pointed to me and my dumbfounded face “and the Virgin Mary!”

“I knew it!” Cheered an amish kid, pointing at my underworld souvenir. “‘Tis the same shirt he wore during the resurrection!”

The crowd let out another hurrah! All except for some schmoe in the back with a raised hand. F-Bomb pointed to him. “O heavenly child, speak up!”

“N-not to be t-that guy, but why is the Virgin Mary dressed in such a small miniskirt? Surely such a revealing outfit is blasphemous in the eyes of the almighty Lord!”

But just as whispers started to bubble through the crowd, F-Bomb was already twenty steps ahead. I was just wondering how the fork the guy who used to drop twenty F-Bombs a sentence learned so many big boy words, and made a mental note to ask him for help on my next spelling test (if I ever went back to school, that is).

“Ah, but she is wearing a dress long enough to reach the floor, in fact. But such a dress can only be seen by those most pure of heart and free of heinous, lustful thoughts most foul!”

Though nobody said a word after that, many soft prayers could be heard in the back.

“So why is it, O devout children, that we have been called here?!”

The nerd who called himself Abraham bowed his head so low I’m surprised it didn’t go through his legs.

“Archangel Michael, what ails the good folk is a crisis most dire!” He gestured toward an enormous (at least, by their standards) mountain in the middle of the countryside. On second glance, I realized it was one of those slanted doors you see outside of cellars all the time, just covered in green fabric and fake trees. “A terrible giant arises from the depths of Hell and takes away our trains!”

“And what, exactly, does he do to these trains?”

“Oh, it’s terrible. They come back, but when they do, they’re all polished and shiny! Worse, they come back… WORKING AGAIN!”

The shock and horror displayed by the citizens at this was so ridiculous F-Bomb nearly broke character. “And this is bad because…?”

“Do you not see, O Archangel? We are the good folk! It is our duty to reject fancy things and embrace self-sufficiency, which this demon has taken from us! And, he comes from below. Therefore, how can he not be evil?!”

The crowd nodded in agreement.

“Very well, peons! The Lord looks kindly at you on this day! We shall smite the evil and drive it back to where it came from!”

No sooner had we said this then the steel doors of the mountain opened, revealing…

A repair guy.

For a moment he stared at us the way I’d stare at the chalkboard whenever the class started doing long division. Then he took a cellphone the size of a cinderblock out of his dirty overalls.

“Hello, security? There’s a kid in the middle of the layout with some kind of –Ooouuugggh!”

F-Bomb wasted no time delivering a claw to the guy’s face.

“O fouled hellspawn, God has sent you a message, and that message is DEATH!”

The cellphone skidded across the ground, not stopping until it ran through a town, probably causing half a million in property damage.

“You take care of the rest!” F-Bomb shrieked, heading for the phone.

I got real nervous from that one, let ,e tell you! I may be Christian, but I barely knew a thing about old Mr. Christ, other than that I got my middle name him, and if my Dad was so eager to name me after the guy, he must be important to some degree. Maybe he invented puppies? I wasn’t sure. What I did know was that I couldn’t let the cheering thongs at my feet lose faith in their religion, so I did what most little kids would do in this situation: I realized I didn’t have to be Christ, I just had to deliver divine justice my own way.

And nothing said ‘justice delivered’ quite like pumping a janitor full of underworld lead, curtesy of my tommy gun..

The crowd cheered as blood flowed from the body, forming little, then very big lakes at the foot of tiny mountains. I opened the door in the mountains and put him under before the poor guy flooded the whole countryside.

Meanwhile, F-Bomb was busy on the phone, imitating the maintenance guy’s voice so well I almost thought the guy had come back from the dead.

“Yes, sir! Everything’s bo diddley! Oh, don’t mind me, that screaming earlier was just a… cramp? And no, that’s not a crowd cheering over a dead body in the background. Crazy what static will make you hear!” With that, F-Bomb hung up, triumphant.

Together, we looked at the lands we had arrived in, from the Statue of liberty to the little pueblo villages in the back. We had defeated a great evil, and saved it all. At our feet, the tiny citizens of this world bowed their heads.

“O, mighty emissaries of the Lord, O great vanquishers of evil, is there anything we can do to show our gratitude?”

F-Bomb put a claw to his chin as his face contorted into a hideous upward sickle that I think was supposed to be smiling. “Anything, you say? Well in that case, I and Mr. Heavenly Son over here could really use a foot massage…”

#My writing #Nature Trail To Hell #velociraptor #sailor moon #jesus #roadside america #model trains

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