the guy i rejected when i was sixteen but always secretly wanted just got a girlfriend

I'm spiralling out of control again and I'm tired of watching my friends try to reach out only for me to reject their attempts to pull me out of my ditch, so I guess I'll spill my feelings here. I've been chronically depressed my entire life. When I was born, no one in my family seemed to consider what would happen when I grew up and found out the truth of where I come from and how it all happened. They didn't think that being an accident would affect me much because I was still a wanted pregnancy. However, being wanted almost makes it worse bc of the circumstances. In order to have me, my mother 1) had to put up with my father (I live w him now and idk why she picked him), 2) broke up his marriage w the mother of his two other kids, and 3) chose to have me despite knowing that she was drinking and doing hard drugs her whole pregnancy. Some women don't know they're pregnant for a long time. Some don't find out until they accidentally give birth one day. Biology is weird but that's not even the problem. You're tell me that 5 months in, you found out I was there and thought "well if I've been getting fucked up, it must be fine" and kept doing it. You didn't stop, you didn't think about "maybe this baby doesn't have as good a chance now bc of my actions", you just kept it moving til I popped out.

My brain does not produce the chemicals that motivate people to live. I have permanent damage that will only get worse as time goes on. I have cried my whole like that I wanted to die, before I even understood what having a life means to other people. Every day I ask myself what the point is. I don't even have the capacity for suicide. I'm just a miserable lump shat out on this side of the earth by someone who only cares about getting theirs.

My mom apologizes to me now about who she is and what she's done but I fucking hate hearing "sorry". It doesn't change anything. You can have remorse and still be aware that no matter what, you've fucked up and there's no undoing it.

Thanks to two irresponsible crackheads in the 90's I'm expected to work, pay bills, maintain relationships, and grease the capitalist cogs of our economy when all I want to do is consume. I do have interests and I want to find joy in life but when I look around me I just don't see the point.

I'm expected to do a good job when others seemingly aren't. I'm expected to be mature and we'll adjusted despite my traumas, pain, and illness when everyone else acts however the fuck they want and then I'm told to just accept it because life isn't fair. What is the fucking point????