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werepartofthemasterplan · 3 years

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Episode 6: Normal Life.

Yes, I already watched the episode... Not sure what to think. Yes, it's Axel-Pol centred, that's why I don't know what to think. If you think Axel is hot and so on (as Hector seems to think), then you would love it. I'll be posting the summary some time in the evening but it's difficult because I have a lot of things to do in the real world today. Sorry! Ok, let's start.

First edit: Intro.

Pol is at the doctor's and the doctor tells him that he's doing really well (the viral charge has gone down so much) and he encourages him to begin living a "normal life".

Pol asks him what is that supposed to mean since nothing that is happening to him is "normal". "Can I tell people? Can I fuck the person I like? Can I have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I tell them this, just like this?".

The doctor tells him that a lot of couples live with HIV and that if his viral charge is this low, he can even have sex without a condom :-O.... Pol is not convince at all, he thinks that people are only going to see him as the AIDS guy.

The doctor tells him that if he wants anything with anyone, he is going to have to tell them. Pol says that for him, that "normal life" is cohabitate with the fear.

Second edit:

Pol arriving home from the doctor and Alfonso asking where he went.

Pol tells him that he went to collect his notes to a friend's house and Alfonso gets mad because he knows he's lying but cannot say anything.

Alfonso asks him once again if he's ok and Pol tells him yes, he is ok and also, he got the scholarship.

Pol leaves to college and Alfonso and Gloria talks about Alfonso confronting Pol when he's ready....

Bolaño's class. She asks if it is correct to keep on listening to Michael Jackson's music after what it was discovered about him molesting children. Most of the class is against it because they think it's unmoral.

They talk about the justice in judging the work of a person through his private life.

And of course, Rai doesn't agree with the rest of the class. He separates the work from the person. They all agree that everything is rotten and nobody is free from having a censurable behaviour. Oti says that her granny is the only one who is really honest. And Rai gets mad and says that she cannot know that even because she could get excited by throwing stones to the rabbits when she was a little girl.

The class is over and Axel is waiting for Pol in the corridor to invite him to go to the Ampurdá to meet his parents. He wants to take Lucky to meet them and he thought that Pol would like to come too... as friends. Axel says "you wouldn't come as my boyfriend because you're not.... right?"... NO COMMENT.

Axel tells him that there are plenty of beds at the house, that he should not worry about that....

Pol tells him that he doesn't know if that would be the normal way to do it and Axel asks him what normal means to him...

Pol hesitates for a second but agrees to go with him.

Third edit:

Rai's home. Alfonso and Vicky bonding.

Minerva's flat. Amy and Arnau are half naked and in bed but they have not fucked because Amy just says that it wouldn't be right to fuck a flatmate. (I really don't understand what is the reason for these two to even appear...).

Meeting with the dean at college and Biel tells Bolaño that Pol is not coming (because he's with Axel in the Ampurdá). Meeting is boring af and I'm not going to describe it.

Pol and Axel get to Axel's parents home. And WHAT A HOUSE... WOW.

Pol meets Axel's mum and grandpa first. When Axel introduces him and Lucky to them, Axel's mum says "Let's see how long this one lasts this time" and the grandpa says "Yeah, she's not talking about the dog, you know that, right?"

Axel goes to see his father and they talk. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Axel'm mun asks Pol for help to dig out a hole for a tree. She explains him that the thing they have tomorrow is a memory ceremony in the name of her mother, who would turn 90 that day and that they are going to plant a tree to honor her. It was Daniel's idea, Axel's ex, to give her a tree as a present.

Axel calls out for Pol. Pol tells him that his mum has told him about the ceremony and that it was Daniel's idea. And Axel tells him that Danuel was his ex, and asks him if he doesn't have any exboyfriends Pols says NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY EXBOYFRIENDS... (CLARO QUE NO, CHATO....).

Axel tells him that he's really glad he's there and they go for a walk by bike.... (Hector Lozano has seen "Call me by your name" too many times and he believes he's a Guadagnino because the following montage is just the same as when Elio and Oliver ride their bikes to the river.... just identical... in fact, we can call Luca right now, show this to him and he could claim author property rights for this one.... like really....).

Fouth Edit: (OK, this part is really difficult to sum up but I am going to do my best).

Pol and Axel at the beach.

Pol tells Axel that he doesn't understand why he lives in Barcelona if he has this and Axel tells him that he doesn't want to live with his family. Pol tells him that he lives with his dad and Axel answers "Wait a couple of years....".

Axel kisses him.

Pol seems kind of lost and Axel asks him if he's OK. Pol shakes his head no and suddenly Pol gets up and says "It's been a while since I swim in the sea...." (YEAH, WE KNOW HOW LONG, POL DARLING... WE ALL KNOW HOW LONG AND BRUNO DOES TOO....). Axel tells him that the water should be really freezing.

He stars pealing his clothes off near Axel and Pol asks him if he likes his body. Pol takes good care of his body and at first look Axel couldn't tell that he's sick. And he runs to the water, where he screams underwater, and cries and kicks... Underwater Pol montage.

Axel sees this and asks him loudly if he's OK and Pol goes back to him and tells him that he's HIV positive. Pol tells him that he doesn't know why he's telling him. Maybe it's because he likes him and he has the right to know.

Pol start to cry and he says that he doesn't understand anything. He doesn't understand this has happened to him and that Axel sees his body and Pol knows that he's attracted to him because he sees how Axel looks at him and Pol only wishes he didn't have that body. Pol just wants to escape from himself. And even though he takes care of himself, he exercises, he eats well and the doctor tells him that everything's going ok, he has to get used to the infamous "Normal life", in Pol's case means don't tell anyone because if he does tell anyone, then it wouldn't be normal...

Pol says that he is so tired of growing up the hard way. He doesn't remember his mum, he keeps loosing people (WHUUUUUT????? I CHOSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS A REFERENCE TO BRUNO AND NOBODY IS GOING TO BLOW THAT UP, OK???? THANK YOU!) and when he gets the diagnose he though "Fuck Pol, you too?", but it seems he can live with that and if you have someone to fuck, it's better to say it. Pol tells Axel that that is what he has been wanting since the day the went to collect Lucky.

Axel kisses him hard and hugs him and tells him: "Look, greyhounds are blue and melancholic but they learn how to be happy really quickly. Maybe you're like a greyhound somehow". Pol tells him that maybe he's right and he promises that he'll be more discreet with Axel's family and Axel tells him that it's OK as long as he doesn't tell his father he doesn't like classical music.

More kisses and hugs.

(AND WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EPISODE)

Fifth edit:

Rai's home. Vicky and Alfonso bonding.

University: Maria and Silvia cross ways in the hallway and they have a little talk. Seems nice. Silvia asks her if she's ok and Maria tells her that she's better....

University bar: Oti, Biel and Rai are talking. Biel wants Rai to enter the debate thing.

Maria and Laura and Laura's boyfriend keep looking for flats for them to rent. Still no luck.

Alfonso and Gloria at a hospital. A nurse comes to them. She's a friend of Gloria. Gloria leaves so that her friend and Alfonso can talk. Alfonso wants to know if Pol is going to die and Gloria's friend tells him that there are more than 3000 HIV positive patiences in that hospital and all of them are living a "normal life", some of them are more optimistic, some are more pesimistic but none of them have been admitted in the hospital and as far as she knows, Pol is ok.... (don't aks me how she knows it)...

Axel's parents house, at the dinner table. They are talking Mozart and so on and so forth...

Axel's grandpa wants wine.

Axel tells them that Pol studies Philosophy.

Axel's grandpa asks if Daniel is coming the next day and Axel tells him that of course he's not and that he doesn't know anything about Daniel for quite a while now.

Axel's grandpa says that there was a philosopher who predicted his own death. They all think about who this might be and Pol says "Democrito". Axel's grandpa says "that's him, yes!!!".

Axel tells Pol that he has won his grandpa heart.

After dinner, in Axel's room (there were a lot of beds, of course....). Pol asks about Axel's granny and Axel tells him that she died 8 years ago and that his grandpa still doesn't want to bury her ashes.

Pol asks him if he comes to the house often with his hook-ups.

Axel tells him not with hook-ups but that he did come very often with his exboyfriend, the one that is not well, asks Pol. The one with depression, yes, answers Axel. Pol asks him how long they were together and Axel says that he doesn't want to talk about him and kisses Pol hard. Pol breaks the kiss and looks worried and Axel tells Pol that he doesn't want to fuck or pressure him in any way....

And they kiss again, Pol asks him if he doesn't have anything and if he gets tested regularly, Axel tells him that he doesn't have anything and that he gets tested, yes... and one thing leads to another and they start to make out big time. There is a moment when Pol hesitates a little but then he recovers and he takes the lead...

Alfonso and Gloria are in bed and Alfonso says that Pol has told him that he was going to spend the night at a friend's parents house and wonders if he has taken his pills with him.

Alfonso is really taken back and starts saying that young people are supposed to be given all the sex info and STD prevention in the world, that they have access to it. He doesn't get where HIS Pol went to get the HIV. Gloria just hugs him and he starts to cry. It's a really sad scene.

Next morning, they plant the tree. Axel doesn't want to participate in the ceremony.

Sixth edit:

On the way back, Pol asks him if the reason he didn't want to participate in the ceremony was because it was Daniel's idea to plant the tree.

Axel asks him what he wants to know. Pol says that it's normal that he wants to know things since he feels that Axel's family really love Daniel. "Well, I don't", says Axel.

Pol asks him how long they were together - 7 years.

And you were living together? - Yes, we lived together, then he started with the depression and I left him. Do you want to make me feel bad just like my parents?

Axel is an asshole, mind you... He tells Pol that he is treating Pol really tactfully and he has no reason to complain.

Pol tells him that whether Axel thinks he has to be grateful for Axel to accept him as he is...

Axel tells him that not everybody would be so understandable.

Pol gets pissed. Of course. Pol tells him that Axel is complaining because he cannot handle sick people.

Axel tells him that if Pol is the victim now.

Pol tries to explain to him that he is not comfortable with what Axel has told him. "you had a boyfriend, you were together for 7 years, you had your life built and then, he gets sick and you leave him" (BRAVO POL, OLE TUS HUEVOS!).

Axel tells him that Pol hasn't lived with another person as a couple, he doesn't have any idea of how it is, so he cannot talk about it.

Pol is really pissed and tells him that Axel should look for another guy because clearly Pol doesn't suit him at all. Pol feels good with him but Axel should find someone who not only sucks him but also can fuck him. And he shouldn't worry about him because he will fuck someday.

Axel says that ok and that he will leave Pol at college because he surely has homework to do.

Rai's house. Vicky is talking to her posh friends about her vertigos. She tells them that Alfonso took care of her and the posh friends start gossiping about that. Vicky tells them to shut up because Alfonso is a better person than any of them. Of course, Alfonso is listening.

Pol arrives to class... Silvia is talking about Descartes. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

University corridor and Pol meets up with Axel. Pol asks him if he is calmer and Axel tell him fuck you. Pol tells him that he wants to focus on his degree and that's it. Axel tells him that he is going to be his unsolved issue (asignatura pensdiente in Spanish).

Maria is in her office and Octavi comes saying that Laura is waiting outside for Maria. Octavi says that Laura told him that she thinks that Maria is fed up with her because Laura doesn't make things easy with the flat hunting (it's the opposite, of course.... it's Maria who is being a pain...).

Silvia and Octavi blah blah blah. Silvia has asked Octavi to take care of Maria for her....

Maria at her house, going through all Laura's clothes when she was a baby.

Minerva's flat. BLAH BLAH BLAH... Biel and Amy hook up.

Oti and Pol at the library studying. Rai comes and tells them to go to study somewhere else because that place is pathetic. He takes them to the W lounge at the W Hotel, I believe because I was there and it looked familiar. And Pol talks about love, happiness, life...

FIN.

OK, I don't know why but I've got the feeling that Pol is beginning to miss the people that are not in his life anymore. Like you never know what you had until you lose it" kind of feeling.... AND YES, THAT MEANS BRUNO... OF COURSE IT MEANS BRUNO... WHO ELSE?

#merli sapere aude #merli sapere aude season 2 #merli sapere aude spoilers #pol rubio #it's sucks #really sucks #and why not?#BRUNOL #merli: sapere aude

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ofstarsandvibranium · 3 years

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personal venting below cut

trigger warning: depression, suicide, self harm, toxic family

ignore if you want

i first want to preface this and tell you that i'm physically okay.

this past month, i've been back at my home in northern california. for the past 10ish months, i've been living in southern california with my brother, for school. moving out and being away from my home has been great. i feel so free and at peace.

a few months ago, my grandma fell into a stroke. she was at the hospital for a month and afterwards, she was able to come home. since then, my mom and auntie have been working hard to take care of her while waiting for the paper work for home health services to go through.

i decided to come home to help them out for two weeks. i ended up extending my trip to a full month to continue to provide help, but in doing so, it also made my depression and anxiety increase.

my home isn't ideal. i have a toxic, hoarding father and a shopaholic mother. that combination has resulted in my siblings and i living in a pigsty of a home. if you've seen the show hoarders, it's kinda like that, but not as gross. we can barely see the floor, things are piled high to the ceiling. my parents refuse to get rid of stuff because of "sentimental value" or "saving it for others". it's bullshit.

anyway, any time i'm home now, i'm overwhelmed because it's all cluttered and messy and it's like cleaning doesn't help at all.

and then the situation with my grandma. i don't mind helping but at the same time, my grandma is stubborn. she doesn't let my sister and i do much because she wants my mom or auntie to do it. my auntie is also moving out of the house she's renting because the owners are selling and one her sons, my shitty ass cousin, isn't helping while his brother, my other cousin, does all the work. my shitty ass cousin, while his mom and brother are struggling to move out, and his grandma needs help being looked after, is off partying with his friends and going to tahoe and texas. like what the fuck. and when we call him out on his shit, he plays the victim and makes it all about him. fuck that guy.

anyway, i'm pretty much being surrounded by so much stress, toxicity, and negativity that my mental health has completely depleted.

which lead to my episode yesterday.

yesterday, i woke up and felt absolutely suicidal. i was supposed to go to my grandma's and because i was feeling so shitty. i didn't. i just kept driving while sobbing and going through this mental war with myself. i was thinking about driving off the rode and offing myself. and i almost cut myself with knife that i keep with me for self defense.

my mom and sister were expecting me at my grandma's at 3pm and when i didn't show up they started texting and calling me but i didn't answer because i put my phone on silent. i drove about an hour and a half away from home and called my mom. she asked me where i was and i told her. i told her what was going on and i told her i didn't want to be home. so she said to go do what makes me happy: shop.

so i went to the nearest mall and walked around. bought a few things, got ramen, and came home. i didn't hurt myself, i almost did, but i didnt.

I'm physically fine, but mentally I'm not. I'll still put a smile on my face and joke around with my family because that's what i do best is pretend that i'm not hurting when i'm really am.

now, we come to today.

my dad talked to me, asked me how i'm feeling and i was honest. i still feel shitty and i don't want to be here. so he asked if i wanted to still come back home after going back down to celebrate my brother's birthday on the 30th (i'm driving down with my sisters).

because i said i don't want to go back, my parents now have to cancel their anniversary trip that they planned for the week of 4th of july. they didn't do anything on their actual anniversary because an emergency house repair needed to be done and it's their 25th year anniversary. granted, my dad honestly didn't want to do anything because he's experiencing his own depression rn. my dad said that him and my mom are okay with not going on the trip. they said that it's fine and that their priority is me. my dad said i shouldn't feel guilty. but i still do feel guilty.

i'm so used to putting others' needs and feelings before myself that when i do put myself first, it feels wrong and selfish. i can't help but feel like im disappointing people by putting myself first and i hate it. being selfless is always seen as a good thing until you find out that i'm neglecting myself a lot in the process.

anyway, because im not coming back home, that means my sisters need to fly back up and my sister started to complain about how she has to rethink about what she needs to bring and can't bring on the trip and i feel so bad. like i could see how annoyed it made her, and i got upset with myself, for being so fucked up in the head that i made thinks difficult for her and everyone else.

i hate being this way. i should probably start going to therapy again and getting medicated again because i just can't do this anymore.

#tw: suicide #tw: self harm #tw: toxic family #tw: depression

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #465

“the old man then prepares to die regretfully / that old man here is me”

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten? No, but I had a guy who wouldn't leave me alone since pre-k. Did you ever read the Magic Treehouse series? OMG I forgot about those!! I loved them!!! Did you ever watch The Land Before Time movies? AHHHHHHHHH yes!!! :') Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Stickers. My dresser was COMPLETELY covered in them. Who did you look up to most as a child? Steve Irwin, 100%. He was my hero. Did your parents let you drink soda when you were little? Some, yes. I wish they hadn't, with the dependency I have now. Did you ever watch The Powerpuff Girls or Dexter’s Laboratory? Of course! I strongly preferred the former, though. Did you watch Blue's Clues? HOW TIMELY. :'''') I did! My little sister and I loved it. What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid? Just gimme a good 'ole double chocolate cake and I was one happy kiddo, ha ha. Did you ever want to grow up? Sure didn't. I was smart. How often do you listen to classic rock? It varies, really. Sometimes I'm in the mood for it and binge it, other times I want newer music. What about country? Just about never. What is the most amount of money you have ever lost? Not a whole lot. I'm very careful with money. Have you ever hurt yourself just to get attention? No. Whenever I did it in the past, it was always to relocate the pain I was experiencing, and because I felt like I deserved it. Last person to get on your nerves? I'd rather not give it the time of day. Are you in any pain right now? No. Last thing you ate? It was one of those chocolate chip Clif Thins things. I HATE every Clif product I've ever tried until these, so they're a good option if I really want something sweet that's actually decently healthy and doesn't taste like I'm eating pure fiber, like most of their products. Name three things apart from trust and loyalty that you need in a relationship. Open, honest communication, similar interests as well as morals, and pro-LGBTQ+, if I'm just naming three. How far away are you from the place that you were born? Like... not even ten minutes. Do you live near anybody who creeps you out? Nah. Then again though I know pretty much nobody in my neighborhood. Is there anywhere that you are too afraid to go to alone? Where? Hm. If for whatever strange reason I had to, I would absolutely not want to go into a men's restroom alone. Would you be upset if you had a child who decided to make “adult films?” Despite the fact I don't negatively judge porn stars if they are smart, cautious, an informed about what they do and how to stay safe... I think I'd be very, very scared if my child wanted that, especially if it was my daughter, because she can actually get pregnant. Yes, abortion's an option, but... still. I don't want her to have to be faced with that decision. I also would be terrified of my hypothetical son getting someone pregnant, especially because he's then not the one with say on what happens to that child. So ultimately, if I was ever in this situation, I feel like I'd need to be alone with my partner to just cry for a while and then talk with them and look at the situation factually and with regard for my child's happiness. What pizza topping would you never, ever, EVER eat? Sardines. /gag What annoys you most about your computer? The microphone is broken. Do you prefer to read blogs or watch vlogs? I'm not huge on either, but watch vlogs. Do you know anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas? No. Do you own a snowglobe? I wish I did, they cute. What was the last thing that upset you? It was more disappointing than upsetting, but I was nevertheless super bummed that my bf had to scoot us hanging out a day back today when I was v excited for it. What is something you are behind on? It sounds unbelievable, I know, but I am IMMENSELY behind with Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Like, I'm somewhere around four episodes in. It's so hard to explain: like, I want to watch it badly, but I don't want to set aside time to sit in front of the TV to actually do it? It makes very little sense. I'll catch up eventually, I just... haven't yet. Who DO you go to for advice when you need it? Mom, Sara, my therapist... Will you go caroling this year? God no. Never have, never will. Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal? Bro what the fuck, of course I would. Would you rather have a daughter or a son? Daughter. Did you get bullied more as a child, a teenager, or an adult? I'm very grateful that I was never truly bullied. If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist? FUCK YES. Are you allergic to your favorite animal? I wouldn't know; I've never been near one. :( What’s your favorite country besides the USA? Lol what a presumptuous question. Probably Africa. Did you get senior pictures taken? No, even though I wanted them. :/ I don't remember why I didn't? How often do you like to have sex? I don't care. Whenever it feels right. Are you any good at math? OH MY GOD NO Do you like Dairy Queen? I fucking love Dairy Queen. Ever had their Oreo Cupfection? *chef's kiss* If you had to get advice from someone of the opposite sex, who would you go to? Girt. Or my psychiatrist. Really depends. Does talking about sex make you feel uncomfortable? GODDAMN RIGHT IT DOES. Few things make me MORE uncomfortable. Are you more scared of going to the doctors or dentists? Doctors. Dentists are ezpz for me. At the doctor, meanwhile, I'm scared of them finding something seriously wrong. Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? I've only met one, and that was YEEEEAAARRRRSSS ago. He was chill, though. Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? omfg YES Do you enjoy board games? Not really. Do you need a haircut? I actually just got one the other day. It's shorter than I would've liked, but it's whatever. Hair grows back, and mine does fast. Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Yes. They've got the same right to be here as we do. What’s the longest stretch of time you’ve spent completely alone? A week or two when my mom and sis went to the beach (I think?) for a dance competition. Have you ever been in a situation where you needed a lawyer? Yes, when I presented my disability case. Do you know anyone who has been evicted? My mom, sister, and me because we couldn't keep up with rent. What’s your favorite macaron flavor? Never tried one. How often do you have friends over to your house? The only "friend" that comes over to my house is my boyfriend. Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Front flips, yes; never back flips, because I was scared of breaking my neck. What about a flip off of a diving board? No. Does your country have free healthcare? No, but it fucking should. What is your sexuality? Bro I don't even know anymore lmao. I just say pansexual. "Queer" might fit me best, though. I really don't know, but it doesn't really matter. What’s the last show you watched? Attack on Titan w/ Girt! I'm actually keen to see more of it. The darkness and heartbreak of it is right up my alley. How is your road rage? I don't really experience road rage because I'm too engulfed by terror to focus on anything else, honestly. Do you have any facial piercings? Yeah; I have a vertical labret in my lip. Have you ever been to a rehab center? So this is dumb as shit, but all the psych hospitals I've been to doubled as rehab centers. Which made NO goddamn sense because those who are suffering with mental illnesses leading to suicidal thoughts/tendencies are unique from those dealing with addiction; both require individual treatments and should not be grouped, imo. How long did your shortest relationship last? Not even a day. What would your life be like if you had married your first love? That's... scary to imagine. Sometimes, that was all I wanted. But seeing as he left because of my depression... it probably would have been catastrophic. He was the only person I ever wanted kids with, so there probably would have been children involved in all that madness, which no little one deserves. Him leaving ultimately led to my healing, too, so I don't know where I would've been mental health-wise if he stayed. What is the most difficult or time-consuming thing you’ve ever cooked? Would you make it again? I don’t cook. I need to learn, though... Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? He's my boyfriend now, ha ha ha. Is there anything about a person’s sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them? Yes. I'm too lazy to get into that stuff rn, though. If someone asked your closest friends/family members what career path might suit you best, what do you think they would say? I'm almost certain they would all say veterinarian. How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? Slow down buddy, we haven't even been together a month lmao. Who was the last person to make you a home-cooked meal? What did they make? Mom, but I don't recall the last thing she made from scratch. Girt is doing that tomorrow, though! :') He's making grilled chicken stuffed with jalapenos and spinach and something else I can't remember and it sounds BANGIN'. What’s the weirdest, rudest, or most ridiculous thing a guest has ever done in your home? Hmmm... I'll have to get back to ya on that. Has anyone ever told you you’re manipulative? I think someone has, yes. Do you know anyone who owns their own business? Yep. Who was the recipient of your very first kiss? Jason. Do you prefer shrimp or crab? SHRIMP. Crab is mushy and disgusting. Do you prefer fiction or non-fiction books/movies? I strongly prefer fiction. Have you ever seen an eclipse? Plenty of lunar eclipses, yes. Who is your favourite video game character? Pyramid Head, Spyro, Cynder... I have a lot, those three are just panning out as strong contenders. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? lol Do you have commitment issues? Not at all. What was the last thing you felt nostalgic about? uhhh Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? OMG one time in his prime, Teddy got loose on a snowy night and went on a full-blown adventure. I was SOBBING. My dad had to chase him down. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan knows Jason, Jason knows Juan and Girt, and Sara knows Girt. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Vaccines cause autism." Fuck out my face. What was the very first election you voted in? This most recent presidential one.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''the unforgiven'' by metallica

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whatzappening · 5 years

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The Zappadydoodah

Hello! I’m Jenny – I am 38, married to a beautiful (in all the ways) lady for five years. We have a son who is nearly two and another baby on the way. I’m writing this down because I’m in a transformative time of life, with deliberate hope for change occurring around some treatment for my Stuff. I’m feeling super overwhelmed, massively restless and thought it might be a) handy to channel it all into a writing area, and b) useful for anyone else in a similar sitch.

The Stuff

So here’s my stuff. Fibromyalgia since 2005, Chronic Fatigue diagnosed since 2011, Depression and Anxiety diagnosed since 2012 but probably always. Definitely always.

Here is a list of some of the things I have done to try to manage/fix/deal with my stuff:

SSRI’s

Meditation

Herbal supplements

Naturopathy

CBT

Psychotherapy

Protein shakes

Exercise Therapy

Counseling

Hydrotherapy

Acupuncture

Pilates

Yoga

All of the Elimination Diets

Gym

Walking

Alexander Technique

Kinesiology

Psychics

Hypnosis

A thousand doctors

Graded Exercise Therapy

Narrative Therapy

Rheumatologist

Physiotherapy

Massage

Reiki

All the other stuff I can’t remember

Short of fish slapping that’s all I can remember right now (I did not try fish slapping). I want to be clear that a lot of these things have been extremely helpful in managing my life and keeping me as upright and mobile as possible. The ones who promised me that they could fix me, did the opposite and caused catastrophic setbacks, in every single case. I don’t feel like me listing which ones are which is helpful because every human reacts differently to different options depending on who they are and what their experiences have been.

I will say, however, that my current team members around my health are counselor, physiotherapist, massage therapist, acupuncturist/TCM practitioner.

So that is my stuff. Read on if you fancy!

What’s happening now, and how and why?

So a couple of months ago we were taking our kid for an outing on a Sunday morning. We thought we’d head to a local market about half an hour’s drive and visit our friends who were selling food there to raise money for the local wildlife shelter. Cute! Fun Sunday outing! He fell asleep five minutes from our destination so we kept going, because sleep is golden and we had no place we had to be, and ended up driving past my sister’s place.

We hadn’t seen them for a little while (she lives there with her daughters who are 19 and 20, both at uni this year so sometimes not there) and pulled up in the driveway, waking them up because they don’t live with a toddler and get to sleep in. I have no bitterness about this, it’s just something worth mentioning.

Her youngest daughter, my niece has had severe fibromyalgia for several years now. The list of things she’s tried are varied and include things like hospital stays, ketamine infusions, morphine – and they didn’t help. Morphine didn’t touch the sides of her pain. I won’t go into too much detail but her quality of life was non existent and she was cut down at her best and brightest. It’s horrific and unfair and all the other things. I have not seen colour in that kid’s face other than green for a number of years.

When we rocked up, she was pink cheeked and was about to go out for brunch with a friend.

Let me pause there – every part of that sentence was not possible for years. So after mouthing OMG at my sister when my niece wasn’t looking, we sat down at my sister’s dining table after her she went out with her friend and my sister took my hand. She teared up and said will you please, please think about trying this thing. It works. Look at her.

And then my heart skipped a beat. It had literally not occurred to me that anything could work. That was certainly not my lived experience. I knew they were trying a thing, and I was ready to support them as much as I could (and knowing that sometimes I need to keep a stronger boundary, to protect my sense of self and eschew self pity) when it inevitably didn’t work and their desperation in scrambling for something, some relief, would continue.

“things don’t work for people like me”

That was the sentence that was ringing in my head, loud and clear as a bell. I had believed one too many times when someone had promised me they could make it all better, and then as time went on the prices would increase and the narrowing field of ways I could be pressed in on me and the possibilities vanished when things that weren’t actually physically possible for me to do (and no, I couldn’t push through or engage in mind over matter, get fucked if you think that’s a thing that can happen in this situation, frankly) and I was a bad, naughty client who wasn’t complying so their promise no longer applied. By then they had all of the money and my sense of self was at rock bottom. Snake oil merchants for the win.

Four or so years ago I had a massive breakthrough with a fabulous narrative therapist I was working on my health management with. One day she asked me how it would be if I could just accept my limitations and not place pressure on myself to be capable of anything more than I could do. That I have a serious illness that impacts every single area of my life, and the more I ignore it the louder it gets. How would it feel to accept that?

Because I was ready to hear it, and because I trusted her, and because I knew everything I knew by that stage, I took it in and really imagined how it would feel. And my shoulders dropped about fifty metres and I felt relaxed and calm.

That year I had my first winter since my diagnosis where I didn’t have a severe depressive episode. I rested more, I kept myself warm, I didn’t push myself to not be such a big whiny baby. I cared for myself. I didn’t pretend I wasn’t unwell. I acknowledged it and acted accordingly. Bloody hell – it was absolutely life altering. I will always be grateful to that therapist for that revelation. Then she went and decided to help the refugees on Manus Island with their myriad of psychological issues resulting from trauma and abuse, which I understood but felt a bit miffed about in a selfish way.

So that huge shift had informed the way I went about caring for myself. What a relief to not feel the pressure of turning every stone over just in case. Wearing myself out going to All The Appointments. Never stopping because if I did that meant giving up.

Stopping is brilliant and should be compulsory for all people in all situations.

So now I have my team around me. Every member is crucial and I’m pretty happy most of the time. I’m a great parent and wife and friend and relative, I think.

The thought of messing with that? Oof. SO risky. Terrifying. But my sister held my hand and asked me to think about it. So I did.

I don’t mean to vaguebook atcha. The thing is called TMS and is usually provided to people who have severe depression. The kind where no medication works and everything is hopeless. It’s non invasive, and uses magnetic thingamebobs to retrain the pathways in your brain that have died off due to illness. So for people with fibro, the pathways of normal sensation are often replaced with pain pathways. Recently when I was extremely distressed about a work situation and I could not deal with what was happening, my brain told me that whenever I took a step I was at risk of my ankle shattering. My ankle was not at risk of shattering, but the pain felt extremely real and terrifying. And so on and so forth. So the TMS thingo (and to be honest it’s a little bit tinfoil hat to avoid the government reading your thoughts) is a metal cap that goes over your hair on the place where the specific neural pathways are, then magnetic waves are sent through the thing which stimulate your brains. It’s habit forming, so doing it once a week isn’t going to do squat. But 3-5 zaps a week (each zap is 30-60 mins) will be highly likely to have an impact. 5 will work faster, 3 will still work the same amount but will take a little longer.

They recommend about 30 sessions and then you can taper off and see how you respond. Here’s the kick. I live 90 mins from Melbourne CBD and it’s the closest place I can go for treatment. A three hour round trip a day isn’t possible for me (both in terms of fatigue and available free time).

My work is quite seasonal so I had planned to close off my books from May for a few months, and we were all going to go as a family to rent a house for a few months and just smash it. But then we both realised my wife’s pregnancy wasn’t getting easier and sooner would be better than later. So the compromise is as follows:

Kicking off this month with a week together as a family for calibration and a couple of treatments, and then I’ll head to Melbourne Tuesday morning til Thursday middle of the day allowing me three zaps (Tues – Wed – Thurs) and on the way home I get acupuncture so I can decompress a bit before arriving for family time at home and don’t just dump all my emotions all over them. I’ll have had time to process and chat a bit. Fridays the kidlet is in daycare, Saturdays and Sundays as per usual, Monday with the wee fella. Tuesdays drop him off at daycare late on my way in to town. We’re getting some help with kid wrangling on Wednesdays from daycare pickup to bedtime so my beautiful pregnant wife won’t have to be too exhausted after working all day. There’s a lot going on. Did I mention we’re married but not legally so we’re going to do that in a few weeks as well? It’s a big time.

I turned it all over and over and over in my head, spoke with some key people and most helpfully talked with my love. You don’t owe us anything, she said, and meant it. You try it, you don’t try it, we love you. Your body and health changes, or doesn’t, we love you. If you try it and it doesn’t work and it creates massive turmoil for you then we cross that bridge. You’ve dealt with worse.

So forward we go.

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acsversace-news · 6 years

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The first thing you need to know about FX’s American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace is that it’s not really about Gianni Versace. While O.J. Simpson—and his fame, his race and his abusive history—were central to Ryan Murphy’s true-crime anthology in its first season, this story focuses on the man who killed Versace and the society that aided in that murder.

The new season is based on Vulgar Favors: Andrew Cunanan, Gianni Versace, and the Largest Failed Manhunt in U.S. History, a 450-page tome the journalist Maureen Orth published in 1999. Much of the book is devoted to the life story of Cunanan, the 27-year-old spree killer who shot Versace in 1997. Her reporting is thorough and revealing, but much of her analysis is dated. When Orth explores Cunanan’s demimonde of meth, escorts, sugar daddies and BDSM, it feels as though she’s unaware that this milieu isn’t representative of gay male culture as a whole.

Especially considering that Murphy—who is gay and has created some groundbreaking queer characters—has also been known to perpetuate the occasional homophobic stereotypes, the interplay between the book and the series is bound to give us plenty to discuss. At the very least, Vulgar Favors is handy for determining which parts of the show are confirmed fact and which are purely conjecture. (I’ll also be using Deborah Ball’s House of Versace, a breezy history of Gianni, his family, and the brand from 2010, along with a few other sources.)

I don’t want to call these recaps “fact-checks,” though, because fiction doesn’t have any responsibility to stick to the official record. Instead, I’ll look at how the discrepancies between what Orth dug up and what Murphy depicts reveal the show’s real agenda. These pieces may take a different form from week to week, but since the premiere was mostly a reenactment of the crime and its immediate aftermath, we’ll start with some pretty basic background stuff.

July 15, 1997

Orth’s book ends with the death of Versace and the intensified hunt for Cunanan, who had already killed four men by the time he came to Miami Beach. American Crime Story begins with the murder and goes backward from there. It’s a promising approach, because the real suspense here is in the question of how the smart, charismatic, cultured young man we meet in flashbacks ended up on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

The show sticks fairly close to the facts in recounting what happened on the day Gianni Versace (Édgar Ramírez) died. He really was returning home from an early-morning excursion to buy magazines when Andrew, played by Darren Criss in a performance that’s already riveting, gunned him down on the steps of his palatial home (more on that later). One bullet also killed a turtle dove—a symbol that initially led authorities to suspect a Mafia hit. While Versace’s longtime partner, Antonio D’Amico (Ricky Martin), stayed at the designer’s side, the couple’s neighbor Lazaro Quintana chased Andrew until Andrew pulled a gun on him. Versace was rushed to Jackson Memorial Hospital, where he was declared dead at 9:21 AM.

Cops really did spot someone who matched Andrew’s description on the roof of a parking garage around the same time, but he escaped. (Orth doesn’t mention them tackling the wrong man.) It’s not clear what he was doing later that day, when police found the stolen red truck Andrew had abandoned and he became the suspect. The scenes that show him changing into fresh clothes and watching gleefully as the media descends on Versace’s house aren’t just plausible; they underscore how easily Andrew blended in among the town’s gay beachgoers.

One character to keep an eye on is FBI agent Keith Evans (Jay R. Ferguson). The Bureau was searching for Cunanan long before he killed Versace, and Evans was its man in Miami. Sadly, he was also inexperienced and unfamiliar with the city’s gay community. Sgt. Lori Wieder, the lesbian cop played by Dascha Polanco, wasn’t on the scene that day, but the officers who were there did find boxes of undistributed Wanted flyers in Evans’ trunk. The scene where the pawnshop owner complains to police about the legally mandated transaction form she’d filed a week earlier, which included Cunanan’s full name, is another embarrassing real-life detail. But the emphasis Murphy, who directed the episode, places on Evans’ neglect of his assignment is crucial, because it’s the first suggestion that law enforcement’s homophobia—its literal fear of engaging with gay men—contributed to its failure.

October 1990

Did Versace really know his killer? Well, sort of.

It’s true that Versace designed the costumes for a production of Capriccio at the San Francisco Opera, and stayed in the city during its run in 1990. At the time, Cunanan was living rent-free in Berkeley with his friend Liz Coté (Annaleigh Ashford), who Orth describes as a “rich and spacey debutante,” and her husband, Phil Merrill (Nico Evers-Swindell)—the couple we see in the flashback. A fixture in SF’s gay scene, Andrew met Versace at a club called Colossus. But, Orth reports, it was the designer who approached him: “I know you,” said Versace. “Lago di Como, no?” he asked, referring to his Italian lake house. It was, most likely, a flimsy pickup line. Andrew, who’d never been to Italy but had also never heard a flattering lie he couldn’t get behind, went along with it. On another night, Versace, Andrew, and a local playboy named Harry de Wildt were spotted together in a limo.

That dreamy encounter after the opera, though? It’s pure fantasy, although Andrew was known to lie about his Filipino father knowing Imelda Marcos, owning pineapple plantations and having a boyfriend. What’s important here is the conversation about Andrew’s future. “You are creative?” Versace asks, and his date answers in the affirmative. In fact, the only things Andrew ever created were fictions about himself, passed off as fact. (I won’t get too deep into that, because his lying is sure to come up later in the show.) “I’m sure you’re going to be someone really special one day,” says Versace. The distance between Andrew’s ambitions and the life he ended up with—as well as the reasons why he was such a failure—is going to be important.

The Family Business

The episode’s strangest divergence from the facts comes during the same scene. Versace explains the history of his company’s Medusa logo, recounting that he first spotted the image while playing in ruins as a child in Calabria. In fact, as Ball notes in House of Versace, he borrowed his logo from a door knocker at the Milan palazzo he bought in 1981. Perhaps we’re supposed to suspect Versace is a liar, too, but I’m inclined to believe the line is pure exposition, a hint of the designer’s humble beginnings that will soon become relevant to Andrew’s story.

Meanwhile, Versace’s mourning siblings/business partners, Donatella (Penélope Cruz) and Santo (Giovanni Cirfiera) provide some insight into the company’s status in 1997. Poor Cruz, normally a fantastic actress, has a thankless role (and a distracting accent) in this episode. All she does is sob, scream and provide dry background info that writer Tom Rob Smith doesn’t bother surrounding with believable human dialogue. For the record, it’s true that Santo, the oldest Versace sibling and the company’s most pragmatic voice, wanted to take the business public. And Gianni, after accepting a large dividend to subsidize his lavish lifestyle, agreed to do so. The plan was to make an initial public offering in the summer of 1998. It never happened. Two decades later, Gianni Versace S.p.A. remains a billion-dollar private company. None of this is particularly interesting, so here’s hoping it becomes relevant to the Cunanan story eventually!

Gianni Versace’s Fucking Insane House

There isn’t much art in this workmanlike premiere, but it does begin with a shot of the clouds painted over Versace’s bed that leads to a lovely, nearly wordless sequence contrasting Gianni’s civilized morning with Andrew’s primal scream. If you paid attention to the Renaissance-style art and the stained-glass windows and the gold accents and the massive tiled courtyard, it probably occurred to you that Versace’s home was totally off the wall. (“If Donald Trump had taste,” I said to myself, “this is what Mar-a-Lago would look like.”) Surely it was exaggerated for TV?

Actually, it was not. Built in 1930, Casa Casuarina, as the home was known, was inspired by Christopher Columbus’s son Diego’s residence in the Dominican Republic. In the courtyard of the 20,000-square-foot villa were busts of Columbus, Pocahontas, Mussolini and Confucius (all of which Versace kept). After Versace bought the property in 1992, he spent a million dollars restoring it. An army of artists and artisans filled the place with murals, mosaics and baroque furniture. Versace published a typically bizarre coffee-table book about his many bonkers properties in 1996, and in it you can find photos of the family frolicking poolside at Casa Casuarina alongside busy interiors and shots of naked men ironing. My favorite page shows a close-up of a burger, fries and a milkshake served on gilded Versace china, atop an ornate gold table. America! If you can’t track down a copy, this Google Image search should give you an idea. Look, here’s a bare-assed dude with a lampshade over his head! See you next week!

#acs versace #vice #recap #review #article #2.01 #january 2018

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lizabethstucker · 3 years

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Some of the Best from Tor.com 2019 Edition

This was a free collection on Amazon at the time that I stumbled across it while browsing science fiction selections. While I’ve always liked both Tor and Baen publications, I was amazed by how very much I enjoyed almost every short story and novella in this collection. Such high quality, and some authors that have been added to my TBR list. 4.5 out of 5.

CURRENTLY FREE ON AMAZON AS OF THE DATE OF THIS POSTING!

“Deriving Life” by Elizabeth Bear

Marq Tames is contemplating suicide or becoming a Host, unable to cope with being alone again after their spouse dies. Tenants bring many benefits, including being pain-free, living a bit longer, making better decisions for themselves. Unfortunately the Tenants ultimately consume their Hosts. Unlike most potential Hosts, Marq is healthy. Wow. A really detailed look at grief, cancer, loneliness, and the choices we might make for happiness. Intense. Could be triggering for some who are themselves dealing with grief. 4.5 out of 5.

“For He Can Creep” by Siobhan Carroll

The Great Jeoffry the Cat helps keep the demons away from the humans in the madhouse. His favorite is the Poet who is trying to finish the most important Poem for God. If only his creditors would leave him alone, stop pushing for the satiric content he once wrote. Then Satan himself comes to speak with Jeoffry. Satan deems the Poem to be out of favor style-wise, and not very good. He wishes to have the Poet write him a poem, one that will drive religion out of the minds of the masses. To do that, he needs to speak with the Poet without Jeoffry’s interference. It is, as they say, a devil’s bargain. Jeoffry may, for the first time since kittenhood, lose. He must consider and consult. The fact that this is based on a real poem written by Christopher Smart, who was incarcerated in St. Luke’s Hospital for Lunatics, circa 1763, adds an extra layer of interest and curiosity to the story. Needless to say, I spent the evening researching the poet online. 3.5 out of 5.

“Beyond the El” by John Chu

Connor struggles to recreate his late mother's dumplings, never quite reaching that bit of perfection. He really doesn't need the stress of his cold abusive sister back in his life. Although maybe he does. Very low key. The relationship between Nick and Connor was more interesting to me. As to the use of magic to prepare foods, was it really necessary? 3 out of 5.

“Zeitgeber” by Greg Egan

Sam is searching for why his daughter Emma's sleep patterns are suddenly and radically off phase. It isn't long until this issue with sleep cycles begin spreading throughout the world. At first it was just puzzling and annoying. Now there are more and more accidents and deaths. Life moves on, people adjusting as best it can, with cures both fake and possible appearing.

Truly fantastic tale. Scary as well, especially considering how we are waiting for a cure for COVID-19 with trepidation and distrust of the very organizations, such as the CDC and FDA, that are supposed to protect us. Add on top the discussion of just how much conformity society demands of us. 4 out of 5.

“One/Zero” by Kathleen Ann Gorrnan

The war made its way to Vida Zilan's home in Kurdistan, ending with her parents, aunt, and grandmother dead. Now Vida is on the run with her three year old brother, traveling with other terrified and displaced children. Mai Davidson has retired in Washington D.C. after years of helping with various issues through the agency she had given her life to, until her husband died and she began to look for something different. Her life is becoming increasingly regulated as the AIs begin taking control of medicine and senior care and transportation, among other things. Or are the SIs, the rumored super intelligent computers now moving out into the world? Be careful what you wish for has always been what is said in regards to those who can grant wishes. Perhaps with the right teachers, the right guides, the SIs can help fix the world for the children, with the assistance of the children. If only, if only. Magnificent look at how Hal might not be the villain of the piece. After all, he just wanted to save both himself and his astronaut charges. 4.5 out of 5.

“Skinner Box” by Carole Johnstone

A trip to Jupiter and back, scientists caught up in their personal cycle of pain and hatred, an engineer who brings some comfort and support. And a Skinner box filled with nanites. There are layers upon layers upon layers in this intense story of experimentation and conditioning, the cost of freedom and, ultimately, love. In essence, there are three reveals. The first was expected almost from the start. The second was almost suspected after we met Boris. But it was the third that, for me, saved the story from the coldness. 3.5 out of 5.

“The Song” by Erinn L. Kemper

The world is moving from beef to whale meat, expensive as it is, taking abandoned oil rigs and converting them to whale meat processing centers. As the ecowarriors grow increasingly violent, killing those involved in killing the whales, the people on SeaRanch 18 are stranded without relief personnel. One of the last new scientists to arrive is Suzanne who is staying the changes in communication patterns among the whales. She tells Dan, a deep sea diver and welder, of attacks by the whales, how humpbacks and blues were congregating for the first time ever seen and apparently communicating. Whales and dolphins are so very intelligent, yet humans think they can do whatever they want to them. I don’t understand. Needless to say, I was primed for this story. I thought I was prepared, even hopeful. But the ending was beyond tragic. 4 out of 5.

“Articulated Restraint” by Mary Robinette Kowal

(Lady Astronaut 1.5) After an accident leads to a lunar rocket slammed into a space station and the airlock jammed, the moon’s astronauts must figure out how to rescue them before their air runs out. First, they’ll need a plan of action and see if the plan can work on their mockup rocket. They need a way to get them more oxygen and a way to get a life raft to the vehicle. Complicating procedures is Ruby’s nasty ankle sprain, especially after she needs the foot restraint which requires her to twist her feet to get into position. Something snaps, but she perseveres, unwilling to let her injury prevent the rescue of her friends. In some ways this reminds me of old time science fiction, a neat adventure with threads of backstories I want to know more about, such as the Meteor and what’s going on back on Earth. Luckily I discovered that this is part of a series, so there is a possibility of learning more. Although I have a few other of Kowal’s works in my TBR pile (freebies back in the day), I hadn’t as yet read any of her works. Definitely want to read more based on what I found here. 4.5 out of 5.

“Painless” by Rich Larson

Mars is a child when he is first found by the men who have been searching for someone like him, a genetic mutation who cannot feel pain. There’s an organism put inside his body, that can make him stronger and able to repair himself, even grow body parts back. He is trained to be a soldier, a mercenary, a killer. He yearns for freedom and someone to be his friend and family. The story jumps a bit from present to past and back again. It took me a while to get into the author’s rhythm, but once I did it was well worth it. I can see so many countries and organizations who would kill to have someone like Mars under their control. Good read. 3.5 out of 5.

“Seonag and the Seawolves” by M. Evan MacGriogair

Seonag was considered strange almost from the moment she was born, but she still loved her homeland. So much so that she hides when her parents make plans to sail to Canada, unable to afford the croft rent. Once they leave her behind, Seonag goes to the town bard for help and advice. She is told about the wolves that were driven out of Ireland. He tells her to swim west until she can hear the wolves. The advice is cruel, certain suicide. Knowing all that, Seonag still decides to do so. An old style story, a myth, a fable, a fairy tale. A story about those who only want to belong, yet are different enough to be pushed to the sidelines. Mystical and magical. 4 out of 5.

“Any Way the Wind Blows” by Seanan McGuire

The Cartography Corps explore and map the parallel universes in order to determine if any ever go missing at a future date. In this Manhattan, they find an intact Flatiron building, but no killer pigeons in this universe, so win-win. Then a group of locals ask to meet the Captain. This should be a television series! I’d watch each and every episode and cackle at the crew’s adventures. The only thing I was disappointed by was the length. It was too short. 4.5 out of 5.

“Blue Morphos in the Garden” by Lis Mitchell

Vivian does love Dash and Lily, their daughter, but she continues to refuse to marry him, unable to deal with what his family goes through upon death. If she officially marries into the family, she will become a Karner in all ways. When it appears that Viv may be dying, she will need to make a decision sooner than she had hoped. Stay, but remain a terminal. Marry and, once she dies, become something else. Leave, with or without Dash and Lily. There's a beauty to having one's death transform into something useful or beautiful or both. Frankly, I don't understand Vivian's concerns about that. 4 out of 5.

“His Footsteps, Through Darkness and Light” by Mimi Mondal

Love comes in many forms, some never spoken out loud. Binu had found a home and a job with the Majestic Oriental Circus. He became a trapeze master, soon heading his own team. He also continued playing Alladin in Shehzad Marid’s illusionist act. He was happy and content. Until he helped the wrong person. There is so much hinted at and more left unsaid. But it will always be known that Binu was a good man and a loyal friend. Bittersweet, yet in that time and place, perhaps the happiest ending(?) one could hope for. 4 out of 5.

“Old Media” by Annalee Newitz

John was as free as he had ever been under his latest Master, a lady scientist who provided him franchise papers that granted him full rights within the city before she went into hiding. Med, a fan of John's journal on Memeland, becomes his friend and roommate. She is also a robot and professor, as well as the lady scientist's research partner in the project that caused the woman to flee. John and Med try to navigate the idiosyncrasies of living among humans, both clueless and bigoted. 3.5 out of 5.

“More Real Than Him” by Silvia Park

Morgan Ito is working on her own robot, one that resembles her favorite actor who is currently doing his two years of military service. This is the first story in the collection that I struggled with. Frankly, it read like bad fanfiction, and I'm a fanfiction reader and writer. I didn't like any characters except Stephen, but he was barely in the story. I finally gave up, not caring what would happen to pretty much anyone. DNF

“The Hundredth House Had No Walls” by Laurie Penny

The King of the country of Myth and Shadow is incredibly bored after five hundred years on the throne. He does what any ruler does in his situation, he decides to travel incognito to the imaginary land of New York City. There he runs into the Princess of Everywhere and Nowhere.

I had a hard time at first dealing with random phrases, words, and letters made bold. This was a strange story. Once I got past the random bolds, I quite liked it. Feminist overtones with a message about freedom and allowing each individual to write their own story. 3.5 out of 5.

“The Touches” by Brenda Peynado

Life is separated into clean and dirty. Clean was living virtually, locked into a tiny cubicle from birth, cared for by an assigned robot, and hooked up to an all-encompassing system for hours at a time. Dirty is the real world, filled with plagues and viruses and what the narrator calls filth. Things get more complicated as robots glitch, an accident puts the narrator into quarantine, and a phone number leads to something scary. There's a layer of disconnection due to a lack of physical contact that cannot be fulfilled by robot hugs and virtual touches. Add to that the narrator's extreme fear of the dirty world. She actually has counted the number of real physical touches in her life. Very intense, more so during our current Pandemic and the separation of friends and family. Also extremely weird. I don't know what to say about this one, but I suspect it will linger in my memory for quite a while. 3.5 out of 5.

“Knowledgeable Creatures” by Christopher Rowe

Investigative dog Connolly Marsh is hired by human Professor Thomasina Swallow after she kills a coworker who was threatening blackmail. Things become increasingly screwy. The body is missing, the learned mouse who is also Sparrow's adopted father believes historical research into the history of knowledgeable creatures and humans shouldn't be forbidden, and Marsh can't make himself leave the case alone. Huh. Another strange story with a lot of dangling threads left behind and even more questions. Yet this isn't a set-up for a longer story or even a series. It is complete within itself, with a somewhat sad ending for one character. Intriguing, almost a noir type of story. Fantasy with just a touch of science fiction. 3 out of 5.

“Blood is Another Word for Hunger” by Rivers Solomon

Anger boiled in the heart of fifteen year old slave, Sully. When she heard that her master had been killed during a battle, she drugged all five of his family members, slicing their throats. Her actions cause a rift in the etherworld, drawing Ziza to her. Sully is a product of her life, the cruelty of her upbringing. She may also hark back to a creature from the country of her ancestors. Sully shouldn’t be a sympathetic character, but she is. I wanted her to find, if not happiness, at least a form of peach. And maybe she will with her revenants, especially Ziza. Be aware that this isn’t an easy read by any means, but I found it surprisingly satisfying. 4.5 out of 5.

“The Last Voyage of Shidbladnir” by Karin Tidbeck

Saga learns the ship she serves on is a living creature who is outgrowing her shell of a high-rise building. Saga and Novik, the engineer, are determined to save Skidbladnir from being sold for meat. She needs a new shell, so they'll find her a new shell. This gripped me the moment I realized Skidbladnir was alive. I'm a sucker for stories like this. So enchanting. I wish it had been longer or had a sequel, but that is just me being greedy and not wanting to leave Saga, Novik, and Skidbladnir behind. Lovely from start to finish. 4.5 out of 5.

“Circus Girl, the Hunter, and Mirror Boy” by JY Yang

Lynette first saw Mirror Boy the night she was almost killed after fighting off a rapist when she was barely 16 years old. After she survived, Lynette found a friend to unload her pain, her disappointments, and her dreams to the boy who appeared in place of her own reflection. Once she left the circus she had grown up in and worked for, Lynette had never seen him again. Until now. The boy is worried that a serial killer is after her. A perfect story for the month of October, with a wraith, a witch, and a supernatural hunter who made assumptions that led to so many innocent deaths. An ending that, while I guess it might be coming, was also so satisfying. 4 out of 5

“Water: A History by K. J. Kabza

The surveyors badly judged how compatible the colony of Isla would be for the humans who left Earth on a one-way trip there. The colonists adjusted, but being outside too long led to cancer deaths during the early years. Marie, in her 50s, is now the last person who has direct memories of Earth. She has been extraordinarily lucky in that her frequent trips outside hadn’t led to an early death. A younger colonist, born on Isla, longs to go outside as well. She wants to smell the planet’s dirt and feel the breeze on her face. Lian finds a friend and support in Marie. But no one can expect the good times will last forever. Deeply emotional and tragic, yet somewhat hopeful as well. Yet the story needed more depth, more content. Good, but not as good as many of the others in this collection, in my opinion. 3 out of 5.

“As the Last I May Know” by S. L. Huang

Nyma was just ten years old when she was selected to be the Carrier. In order to impress the consequences of using seres on another country, the Order choses to hide the codes in the body of a child. To obtain access, the President must personally kill the child Carrier and rip her heart open. AS the enemy forces draw ever deeper into the country, Nyma waits. Oh, this one was gut-wrenching. Seriously gut-wrenching. And yet, the logic behind the Order's idea was extremely logical. Force the President to basically live with the child he must kill to get access to the seres that will kill millions, make it real. And Otto Han is disgusted by the Order, but it is what it is. Again, the idea makes sense, but that doesn't mean that it isn't horrifying. Not to mention torturous for the child who must live with the idea that they can be killed at almost anytime in order to kill millions of other people. 4.5 out of 5.

“The Time Invariance of Snow” by E. Lily Yu

When the Devil's mirror splinters, it enters the hearts and minds of mankind, spreading hate and violence despair and depression. G and K are in love, but G is wary of the violence of men. When K makes a comment on how he would kill her, she protests his cruelty. He leaves. Despite knowing how the story will end, G goes on a quest to save him from the Snow Queen.

A subversion of fairy tales and a treatise on both them and the treatment of women. I have to admit that I was annoyed by the use of footnotes in this fictional short story. I barely tolerate them in non-fiction books. That said, as I struggled on, once G and K came onto the scene it became an easier read. I think I would've enjoyed this more if it had been expanded. My least favorite in the collection, but still worth reading. 3 out of 5.

#book review #Some of the Best from Tor.com 2019 Edition #science fiction #fantasy #collection

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floralreddie · 7 years

Text

falling in love with Richie Tozier: Part 5 (when they’re adults)

this is a kind of rev up for what’s to come (fighting IT, getting to Mike’s and talking) and is also my own interpretation of chapter 2, though leaving quite a bit out. it would take about a billion more of these imagines to write what I hope/think is to come in that, so I’m squishing it down lmao

you feel like vomiting after Mike hangs up

you don’t

instead, you cry

you push yourself into your kitchen, which is white and black and red and full of little trinkets hanging from the ceiling and walls, and you pour yourself a gin and lime and down it in one

because

what the fuck

how could you forget? you knew, you always knew, that Derry wasn’t a normal town, without normal adults, but you don’t know how you can forget something as important as the place where you grew up

and the people in it

(The Losers)

and It

because suddenly you’re in the woods again and you’re thirteen, and you’re seeing that shape of the scaly, slithering thing that looks like a snake but kind of looks like a human and then...then it’s a fucking clown with yellow eyes and a drooling grin

and Mike...Mike had said it was back

(and you had choked and gasped and said sorry so many times, because you said you would call him and you never fucking did and you forgot him and he’s been there for years and he was (is) your best friend)

you book a plane ticket straight after the phone call, terror seeping in to you that you had always hated as a child; one that you had worked so hard to outgrow

because you save lives

you’re a fucking boss of a surgeon

but you’re suddenly so scared

but you book that plane ticket to Maine, hand shaking as it hovers over your laptop and the other holding that glass of gin to your lips

you think of times when you had been on the verge of remembering those boys and that girl, and you wonder what their blurred faces look like now

how could you love people so intently that you didn’t even remember?

you book time of work (not an easy thing considering your profession, but you made a fucking pact when you were thirteen and suddenly your palm is tingling and, Jesus, how could you have forgotten?)

you pack a bag and dress yourself in black jeans, a loose black shirt and a leather jacket and as you leave your apartment, you made special sure that you let that firefly necklace sit atop your shirt

and your heart hammers

because you’re...you’re seeing someone you forgot about, and all you remember is a laugh and a song and a nervous breath as he told you he loved you

the plane ride is long and tedious, but you shove on a a few episodes of Game of Thrones and ride through it, and suddenly you’re renting a car and hopping in it and shoving the music on as loud as it can go (and you wait until you find a station that’s playing something old and rocky, because you need to listen to something that reminds you of your youth)

and suddenly you’re remembering a sewer

and a boy with a stutter who lost his brother

and a creepy fucking house where a small and brave boy broke is arm

and you gasp and choke and drive just a little faster

you don’t know that he’s just a few miles ahead of you, just on the boarder of Derry driving some obnoxiously brightly coloured car and listening to the same station as you

you follow Mike’s instructions and head for the Chinese restaurant you remember your parents used to enjoy, and your heart feels heavy as you look about at the old building and the paint work of the shops that has changed so little and yet so much

and fuck

Bev used to live in that flat at the top of that building? (and you’re laughing because, fuck, you remembered her name after all these years)

and you used to ride your bike there with the boys with the blurred faces

and that’s where Eddie threw up on that street corner the first time he tasted vodka and that’s where Stan finally laughed at one of your jokes

and you’re remembering their names

and you shut off the music and park down the street, heart hammering and palms sweaty and tugging at your long hair and patting your cheeks because, shit, you’ve always hated being scared

‘oh, fuck,’ you mutter, because it’s fifteen minutes past and you’ve been staring out of the windscreen for far too long and why the fuck are you such an idiot?

you tug at your necklace and think...think of who will be in there

because there were eight of you, right?

...yeah

you slam the car door and lock it, and curse the fact that you’re probably going to be the last one walking in and why the hell are you such a nervous wreck, you’d gotten over such things when you...you befriended them

you surge into the restaurant, brown bag hanging over your shoulder with one single badge hanging off the strap (its a The Cure one, because you don’t know why the hell you’ve always loved that damn band)

(and that song...Love Song, was it?)

the restaurant is dimly lit and full of people, because it’s a Friday, and you can’t quite believe you’re in fucking Derry, a town you had only ever remembered as being boring and friendless and you don’t know how, because you’re remembering days at the Quarry and star gazing with your boyfriend (because, fuck, you’d had one, hadn’t you?) and (had they all forgotten, too?)

and you weave through tables, searching the faces and panicking that maybe you won’t recognise them (because it’s been so, so long and the last time you saw any of them you were eighteen)

but then you turn

and you stop

because through an archway, past a waitress who’s leaving the room, is a table filled with six adults

(but shouldn’t there be seven?)

and they’re laughing

and they’ve already ordered their drinks (the fuckers)

and you eyes meet brown, brown eyes, and they’re crinkled mid-laugh, and suddenly they widen and soften

his hair is curlier and longer and pushed back from his face, and he’s wearing a loose fitting white shirt and loose black tie and there’s lines around his face and stubble on his jaw and his nose is longer he’s still so scruffy but so well put-together and

(‘Y/N!)

and they all turn

and the man who called your name is dark skinned and tall, with greying hair and bags underneath his eyes and he’s standing

and you’re laughing as you rush over to him, almost tripping over the heeled ankle boots you’re wearing

and he’s wrapped his armed around you and he is warm and big and you’re breathing against his cheek and huffing out a, ‘Mike!’

and next is a woman with curly red hair to her shoulders, who smells of cigarettes and perfume and has dressed in dangly earrings and a loose black dress and you gape at her before yanking her toward you and smooshing a kiss against her cheek and she laughs

‘Jesus, (Y/N), you miss me?’

you snort. ‘I’m pissed, Bev. you left me alone with these assholes for five whole years’.

and then a shorter, but still taller than you, dark haired man with large brown eyes and a half-smile is standing from his chair and rounding the table to you. he’s pale and freckles and both handsome and adorable at the same time. ‘you weren’t complaining when you begged to sit with us that first day back’ (after that summer of hell)

‘Kaspbrak,’ you snort, letting him pull you into a hug. ‘I did not beg, Ed’s’

he stiffens and sighs. ‘Oh, don’t you start!’

you snort

a man behind Bev who is tall and handsome but maybe a little too skinny sidles around the pretty but tired looking Beverly Marsh and you gape, whilst the others laugh. ‘Ben?’

‘I know,’ he shrugs and laughs and his hug is strong and solid, and then Bill is hugging you and his stutter has gone but his blue eyes are still the same (but his hair cut is a little better) and, fuck, you haven’t seen him in so long

and then it’s his turn

and you understand so profoundly who he is as he raises from his seat (and he’s grown even more since he was eighteen, he must be 6′3 now) and his moves with that awkward, lazy grace that was so like Richie Tozier that you almost choke on your breath as he brings a hand forward, touches the necklace resting against your chest, scoffs, and then pulls you to his chest just like he used to, with his arms wrapped so securely around you you’re sure you might suffocate (and he still smells the fucking same)

his voice is low and drawling when he talks against your hair. ‘saving the best ‘till last, doll?’

(and you remember that time you heard him on the radio, because you understand that it was him, now)

‘shut it, Tozier,’ you breathe, and he’s home and light and the reason you haven't bothered looking at or touching anyone else, because whilst he filled the void with girlfriends and boyfriends, you couldn’t possibly do the same

because

he’s Richie

and the others are quiet for a moment, before you’re snatching yourself away from him and laughing and he does the same, but his eyes linger on you as you take the free seat beside Mike near the head of the table and opposite Richie and Eddie

the waitress comes over and you order a gin and you ask them all what they’ve been doing (and Richie makes some comment about how you should have come on time, then you wouldn’t have missed that part)

you flip him the bird

and he pretends to catch it

and they’ve all done so well

all of them (us, you think, us)

you tell them you’re a Doctor and that you live in L.A

and Richie stares at you the whole time you talk, but you pretend that you haven’t noticed

before he breathes out slowly, ‘The fuck, (Y/N). I live in Beverly Hills’

and you gape as he shakes his head and laughs, running a hand through his mop of hair (and, fuck, you always loved his hair)

and Mike rolls his eyes

and Bev looks at Ben as he asks if anyone got married

you eye Bev as she struggled around describing her boyfriend (because you worked with women like her in the Hospital and in your training, and you know an abused partner when you see one)

and you watch how Ben watches her

and you and Richie (you both watch each other closely when it’s your separate turns) breath out selfish sighs of relief when you reveal you’re both single

‘did it wrong too many times,’ he insists to Bill, and you wonder what his life has been like without you

‘being a Doctor takes up a shit load of time,’ you shrug out

and you all

slowly

talk about that summer

and you put the pieces together

because you remember that Bowers kid died

and you remember you all saved this shithole of a town

and Bev remembers how adults would see Greta and the Bowers gang fucking with her, and never did anything

and you remember the first time you ever saw them, as they helped Ben with his injuries and you remember, as Bill talks (but his stutter is slowly seeping into his voice) the day at the arcade when all of you were fighting after Eddie broke his arm (’yeah, and Tozier fucking snapped it back into place. don’t think I’ve forgotten that, Richie’), in which you befriended a bespectacled and trashmouth Richie Tozier

and everyone is listening so intently to Bill as he picks apart the things you have all forgotten (Mike insists he remembers more, because he never left and that’s how things go to shit with forgetting) and Bill nods and swiftly asks questions (because after all these years, he’s still the Leader) you look across the table, past Eddie who had mentioned earlier a marriage that you all knew he didn’t want, and you catch Richie’s eye

because he’s staring at you

and you’re staring at him

and you both smile at the same time, and it’s such a fucking bittersweet smile that you almost start crying there

and when you all leave the restaurant later, a little tispy and a little confused as to where the fuck Stan is, you find yourself walking by Richie’s side as Mike gives directions to his house (but you all know where he means, because suddenly you all remember Derry so vividly) and you nudge Richie and he looks down at you, a dark curl falling into his face and his brown eyes slowly filling that void within you, and you frown and say,

‘I told you I’d kill you if you ever got contacts’

and he smiles and rolls his eyes and says, ‘Sorry, doll. I guess I forgot’

you frown and brush your hand against his, and his pinky catches yours, and you see Mike and Eddie wander off a little to the left to give you both some privacy, and Ben and Bev and Bill seem to be migrating toward each other, and the absence of the boy with the curly hair and neat shirts and biting words is so eerily real. ‘Yeah,’ you breathe, frowning and swallowing. ‘I guess we did, huh? no matter how much we promised we wouldn’t, Rich’

and the way he looks at you then....you know whilst it has never been over for you, it hasn’t for him either

#areyoureddiekids #richie x reader #richie tozier #it (2017)

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astoldbyacertifiedunicorn · 7 years

Text

Too Young, Too Soon

@kepnerssavery wanted fluff!! and all of you who kept me…motivated? :P I’m kidding! Love you girls! Oh and @averysanatomy for answering all my annoying medical questions (sorry!)

ENJOY!

He woke up when the sunlight hit his face, making it slightly uncomfortable for him to continue sleeping. He grumbled, turning his face away from the sun, but peeked at the alarm to check the time just in case. He knew his new job meant waking up with the sunrise, so chances were he had to get up, even if he didn’t want to. He saw the digital alarm on the floor next to him flash 7.00 am. He groaned once more, knowing full well that the alarm would ring any second. He pushed his arm out, and turned off the alarm. He hated waking up to it anyway, but his beautiful wife was convinced that it neither of them would get out of bed in time if it wasn’t there. He didn’t want to, but he had to admit she was right.

Speaking of her, she lay beside him, one arm thrown around his waist, her body turned around to face his. She was pressed up against him, and he sighed at the feeling of her pressed up against his chest, and the way her legs clung on to his. He stroked her back with the arm that she was laying on top of, and she squirmed a bit, pushing on to his body further, although she continued to remain asleep.

He smiled. He was starting to sweat because it was a really hot morning and his wife made no move on releasing him. Not that he wanted to. He’d rather be pressed up against her right now, and feel like he was stuffed inside a furnace, than move away from her. But he had to, because they both had their first shift in about 1.5 hours. They were starting their internship at Mercy West Hospital, and they were both excited. They’d spend a good month since they’d done their interviews, patiently hoping and praying that they’d get into the same programme. It definitely made things easier.

“Sweetheart, wake up.” He nudged her softly, his free hand tickling her hipbone. She mumbled something to his chest.

“What?” He asked, placing his fingers on her chin and lifting it up to face him. She kept her eyes close, but a sleepy voice answered him back.

“Don’t want to.”

He chuckled, as she settled herself against him to fall back asleep.

“Well, you really don’t have a choice there.”

“Why?” She mumbled petulantly.

“Well, for starters, I think it’s a waste of your 4 years in med school. Also, because there’s this contract you signed with Mercy West that says you have to come to work today. But, mostly because I might have to kick you out of the apartment if you don’t pay your rent.” He teased.

“Shut up.” She laughed, the sounds getting muffled by his skin, as she swatted his chest.

“Come on, sleepy pants.” He nudges her once more, and she shifts slightly away from him. He takes the opportunity to softly roll her off the bed and she falls on the floor with a thump and a gasp.

“Did you just push me off the bed ?” April asks, her eyes wide and a mixture of anger and amusement in her eyes.

“Our bed is like an inch off the floor.” He rolls his eyes at her exaggeration.

“Still!”

He laughs, and she shakes her head, biting her lips so as to not give him the satisfaction. It’s true they’ve been here for about a week now. Their new apartment. It felt great being able to live together, having a place of their own, that they bought from their own money. Sure, it was a studio apartment. One tiny bedroom, an even smaller bathroom and a barely there living room. But it was theirs. And it was perfect for the two of them. Although, they really ought to buy a bed, he thought, looking around at the almost fully unfurnished room.

She slowly got up, and walked up to the chair he’d owned since medical college, that he’d made a decision to bring with him. It was old and ratty but he’d reminded a blushing April how it held a lot of good memories. She picked up his Harvard sweater, and popped it on, walking into the bathroom. He chuckled wondering why she kept stealing his sweater, when hers was just next to it.

He left the bedroom, walking into the kitchen area, which was really a barely there pantry. He pulled coffee beans from the shopping bag they permanently kept on the floor and made a mental note that a fridge was long due. They wouldn’t be getting anything done for the next two days, because of the dreaded 48 hour intern shift, but he would make sure to do all this in the weekend. She had done much of the work, trying to make the place look as hospitable as possible, but he’d been slacking on the one job he had, to purchase furniture. All he had to do was drive her to an IKEA really. But he kept trying to convince her that there were better things to do with their time. It wasn’t entirely his fault, she was easily manipulated.

He puts the machine on brew, and leaves the room. She had insisted he get a coffee machine, chastising him for throwing away his money on lattes when he was perfectly capable of making one at home. He wanted to tell her it’s unlikely he’d go broke for buying coffee, but gave in. He does that a lot with her. Not that he minds one bit.

He walks into the bathroom and finds her standing in front of the mirror, her hair in a messy bun, those weird eye patches she loves under her eyes, brushing her teeth. He gazes lovingly at her reflection, and walks up to her, sliding one arm across her waist and finds his brush on the counter with toothpaste already on it.

“Ready for today?” He asks, as she spits, and looks at him in the mirror.

“Nope.”

“That’s the spirit.” He jokes.

“It’s not my fault you’re so charismatic and have great social skills. I am terrified of meeting new people. I make horrible first impressions!” She whines, and starts to remove her clothes to get into the shower.

“What? You made an amazing first impression on me!” He jokes, following her into the shower.

“Um, you hated me the first day. You thought I was really annoying.” She points out, and sticks her tongue out at him.

“And you thought I was an asshole.” He tells her, pouring some shampoo into his hands, and rubbing it on her head.

“Yeah I did. You were a major dick.” She laughs, humming when his hands massage through her hair.

“Well, I make up for it by having a major d-” But he doesn’t get to finish his sentence because she playfully pushes him back, chastising him for his attempt at a double innuendo.

They dry up eventually, and leave the apartment in a mess of nerves on April’s side and a lot of yelling at him for losing his keys and making

“You’re both late. I don’t like it when people are late on their first day.”

They did eventually turn up to the hospital running inside. He had wanted to pull her back for a good luck kiss, but he’d be lucky if she didn’t punch him good luck. He shrugs his shoulders, because frankly they’re only 10 minutes late. He hears April apologizing profusely for their absence, making sure to only include herself in that apology. She makes up a story about the fuse going off, and having to call the landlord in, attempts a feeble joke and stumbles her way through the rest of the lie, that she, including everyone else knows is a terrible lie.

“What episode of Friends is your excuse based off of?” Their resident, with the rather unfortunate name of Dr.Lindsay Lindsay, asks him.

“The episode where Ross gets stuck in traffic.” He remarks, and they all laugh, earning him an eye roll from his wife who disapproves of his ability to get off of things too easy.

“Alright, come on. Let’s move.” They all file behind her in a pack, and he moves his arm towards April, who swats him away and gives him a pointed look.

They’d decided early on that they weren’t telling anyone about them. They weren’t necessarily denying it either, but unless they were explicitly asked, they would keep mum. It was way easier than the plethora of questions that got shot at them whenever someone found out they were married interns. A phenomena vastly discouraged in the medical world. So, they both preferred keeping at least some things personal for as long as they could.

He smirks at her and follows behind their resident, while she runs forward to catch up with the front of the pack. He smiles and shakes his head, ever impressed with her ability to be constantly enthusiastic, even with all her nerves.

“Hey man, I’m Charles. Charles Percy.” Jackson looks to his left and spots a big, burly, looking man talking to him.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jackson.” He purposefully avoids his last name, because it raises some questions about his lineage he has no intention of answering. It wasn’t anything he was proud of, anyway.

“This is a bummer, huh. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited to be here, but the 48 hour shift is going to be a bitch.” Charles says, and Jackson laughs in agreement.

“You know a good tip?” Jackson tells him, and the man shakes his head, prompting him to go on, “It’s to stay as far away from your resident as possible. They’re not going to give you anything good for your first two days. They’ll give you all the horrible cases, like colonoscopies that they had to deal with as an intern. The 48 hour shift is basically revenge.”

Charles keeps his eyes wide, and drops his voice a few octaves, “How do you know this?”

“I’m… observant.” He remarks, vaguely.

“Well, thanks man.” He smiles and Jackson nods his head. He liked this Charles guy, he was pretty sure they’d along just fine.

He looks up ahead to see April befriending the small, pixie haired girl. He watches as she talks animatedly with this girl, her voice that high pitch it got when she was excited, waving her red notebook in front of her face. She looked adorable, and if they weren’t at a hospital right now, he knew just what he had in mind for her.

“Alright, let’s get started.”

Their residents starts her rounds, going from bed to bed, describing symptoms and asking them to make the best guess as to what exactly could be wrong with the patient. It ends up, however, mostly being a competition between him and April. He always loves seeing her competitive side because she gets wildly passionate and fierce, and there’s something about that that turns him on.

“Adenovirus infection”

“Bacterial meningitis”

“Chronic Kidney Disease”

“Hemophilia”

She grunts quietly, and gives him a death stare when he beats her to the answer, and falls back to surreptitiously stick her tongue out at him, when she gets it before he does. He notices some eyebrows raised from their fellow interns, all stumbling to beat them to the answer but none as fast as them.

But when they come to the last case, and he knows this is the one the resident saves to figure out which intern will scrub into a surgery, he keeps quiet. He’s seen this exact case before when he was 16 and hanging around hospitals because the house got too lonely sometimes. It was epidermolysis bullosa, an extreme rare skin disease. He knows these things because of his family, and even though April kept telling him he needs to stop feeling guilty about the advantages he got from them, it wasn’t the case yet. Also, April deserved this more. She’d spent the entire month since the interview reading journals day and night, prepping for these rounds. He knew she’d get it.

“Epidermolysis bullosa!” She said, her voice triumphant.

“Correct, Doctor?” The resident smiled her way, even though Jackson could see a hint of resentment. It wasn’t the first time people were jealous of how smart his wife was.

“Av-Kepner!” She smiled awkwardly, hoping the almost mistake went unnoticed. The whole, Dr.Kepner, officially, Mrs.Avery otherwise, tends to mess with her.

“Dr.Kepner, you’ll be observing patients post ops with me, while the rest of you are stuck with colonoscopies.” They all groan, and he regrets it just a little bit, but then she walks up to him and flashes him her smile and he knows he’d be stuck with those for a month just to see that.

“You let me win.” She tells him, and he clears his throat and denies it, because he didn’t think she’d catch on.

“It’s alright.” She tells him after he tries to mumble out a justification, “I’ll forgive you this time, because… colonoscopies.”

He looks around to see if anyone is watching, and lightly smacks her behind, and watches as she tries her hardest not to squeal.

“Jackson!”

“I better get some sugar for that.” He smirks at her, and she rolls her eyes, but he knows he’s definitely getting some love when they go home.

The day stretches on, it’s a blur of activity and dullness, although there is an exhilaration of the knowledge that this is the first step to the careers they’ve been building for years now.

They don’t meet each other too much. They’re busy with the simple, yet daunting tasks of your first day at an internship. Add to that the impending long stretch of hours, and it was enough to drive most people out of surgical on day 1. He’s already witnessed 2 of the interns drop off, and now there’s only 5 of them left. It’s intense, this life.

They only see each other once when they run into get a blood test retrieved and she looks around suspiciously before quickly pecking him on the cheek, and running off. He grins, and he feels a little bit more energized than he did.

He finds her in the ER, flipping through some charts, along with Tyler, the other member of their now 5 man, and woman, residential group. He attempts to walk up to her, to catch a few seconds with her, before their resident drags him off to another unpleasant task. He stops short, however, when he hears their conversation.

“Can’t wait until we’re done with this. It’s been 10 hours and my body already feels like it’s going to fall apart.” Tyler says, and April smiles politely towards him.

“It’s only going to get harder from here.” She laughs, and he laughs along with her.

Jackson’s never really been the jealous type. This is mostly because he trusted April so much, that he knew no matter how many offers she may get, she’ll never feel any inclination to take anyone up on it. Still, he was human after all, and not privy to small bursts of jealousy every now and again. This guy’s eyes were roaming over her body, and he kept flicking his gaze down to her ass. He wasn’t a fan of men looking at women like that, period, but of course, definitely not his wife.

“So, uh, I might need to get some booze the moment I get out of here. Wanna come with?” He asks, and Jackson rolls his eyes.

“You mean, all the residents or?” April asks, her face noting confusion.

“Oh, eh, no I meant… just us. Like, could I buy a drink after-”

“Oh!”

Jackson chuckles slightly, noting how flustered his wife was every time she figured out someone was hitting on her. He never intervened, always let her handle things, unless some bastard didn’t know the meaning of the word “no.”

“Um, Tyler, I appreciate the offer,” She blushes, and he knows it’s not because she’s even slightly interested, but because she hates being put in situations like this, “But, I’m married.”

“Oh. Uh, you are? I didn’t see the-the ring.” He says, coughing slightly. The guy looked so embarrassed, Jackson felt bad for him.

“Yeah, well, I left it at home. Didn’t want to lose it.” She comments, shrugging her shoulders.

“You know you could pin it to your top? Or put it on a necklace?” Tyler offers, and April beams at him.

“Yes! That’s a great idea. Thanks, Tyler.” She says, clearly contemplating how she couldn’t think of this on her own.

Jackson grins, and starts to walk towards April and a very dejected looking Tyler, before Reed walks up to him and informs him that they were assigned scut duty for the next hour or so. He groans, but follows her.

It’s about 3 hours later than he has some time to see April, when he walks down a rather isolated looking hallway and finds her tucked into a corner, attacking a salad.

“Hey Dr.Kepner.” He calls out to her, and she grins up at him, clearly thrilled to see him.

“I can’t believe that’s what I’m going to be called from now on,” She says, shaking her head.

“Well, I’m pretty sure you’re going to be called other names besides that from time to time, particularly in the bedroom.” He winks at her, indicating that his thoughts weren’t at all innocent.

“Jackson!” She pushes him roughly as he slides down the wall next to her, “You’re the worst.”

“You’re mean, I prefer Mrs.Jackson Avery, can she come back now?” He teases her attitude, placing her legs over his, pulling her closer to him by her waist.

“She’ll be back when we go home.” She says, and he loves how she can act completely innocent to everyone else, but be an absolute tease around him.

“I look forward to this.” He says, pecking her on the lips, and holding her there for a second longer.

She feeds him bites of her salad, and chastises him when she realizes he’s bought fries for his lunch, although she spends a good amount of time, eating all his fries.

“Um, Jackson, I have to tell you something.” She says, and the hesitance in her voice let’s him know exactly what she wants to talk about. Tyler.

“What is it, babe?” He asks.

“Um, so I was in charge of checking on some charts, with… Tyler-”

“The guy who you’re sure is called Tyler because he looks exactly like Tyler Perry?” He interjects, causing April to laugh loudly.

“Oh my god, he does, doesn’t he?” She says, still laughing incredulously.

“Gave me so crazy A Madea Christmas flashbacks,” He pulls on a curl that’s fallen out of the high bun she’s pulled her in, “Go on.”

“Okay, so… when we were there, charting… he asked me to go have drink with him? As in-as in a date?” She looks at him, almost guiltily. Leave it to April to feel bad about getting hit on, “I said no, obviously. I told him I was married.”

“I know you did, baby. I trust you.” He smiles warmly at her, and she kisses him.

“I mean, I wish you’d wear the ring though, because part of the reason I spent so much money on it was to be a very clear to guys who hit on you, that you were taken.” He tells her, running his nose along her cheeks, and placing kisses now and again. She giggles at the feeling, but soon the frown lines settle on her face.

“How much did you spend on it, anyway?” She asks.

“Uh-” He hadn’t meant to let that part slip. He was pretty sure she’d stab him with the plastic fork if he told her it was close to $50K.

“Wait, he’s your husband?”

They both whip their heads in the direction of the voice, and find Tyler, glancing between the two of them, looking stunned.

“Husband?”

“You’re married?”

They look behind Tyler to see Reed and Charles looking equally astonished.

“Um, yes we are married.” He nods, giving into the fact that they’re apparent attempt at keeping their private lives to themselves, was a fail.

“Wow, Red, and I thought you were a virgin.” Charles pipes in, sitting opposite them, legs stretched out.

April stutters gibberish, her eyes falling to the ground, a steady blush on creeping up on her neck.

“Charlie, shut up,” Reed hits him over the head, before sitting down next to him, “I apologize for my idiot of a friend. He’s clearly forgotten social norms after all those colonoscopies.”

“Do you blame me? I’ve seen enough asses to last me a lifetime.” Charles says, biting into his burger.

“Can we not talk about asses while we’re eating?” Jackson asks, screwing up his face.

“I just can’t believe you guys are married!” Tyler exclaims again, and Jackson feels bad for the guy. He really seems to have taken a liking towards his wife. Sucks to be him.

“Well, we are. Have been for about 4 years now.” He tells them, smiling down at her. He’s always filled with pride when he talks about their marriage.

“I can’t imagine marrying so young, though,” Reed remarks, and then shrugs her shoulders, “Then again, I can’t imagine getting married ever, so there’s that.”

“Don’t you guys miss the single life? The freedom, the ability to date other people, the carelessness?” Charles asks.

“Yeah, I mean, how do you know this is the person you want to spend forever with when you’re 23!” Tyler tries, once more.

They’re both used to these questions by now. When Jackson, had met a petite redhead on his first day of med school, and gone on to find her tirelessly annoying, while she found him to be an egoistical jerk, even then, he’d known he’d never want another woman the way he wanted her. It was hard to explain to anyone outside of their relationship why it only took them a week to get over their initial impressions of one another and less than one year to decide that they wanted use their winter break to elope and get married. Why they both risked their families complete disapproval to get hitched so young. It was hard to explain to someone who’d never been in love they way they were, that sometimes, you meet someone, and you just know.

“You just know.” They say in unison, and giggle.

“Ew, you two are disgusting.” Reed comments, although she says it in a way that makes him realize it’s her way of giving a compliment.

“So you don’t miss being single… at all?” Tyler inquires, and Jackson is ready to beat his ass this time.

“No, Tyler,” April smiles politely at him, even though Jackson can tell even she’s on her last nerve, “I can’t imagine not being married to this guy.”

She pets him lovingly on the cheek.

“Dating is the worst. You’re confused, and trying your best, and hoping you like someone enough to want to give them the time of the day. I hate that. I get to go home with my wife, chill on the couch watching Netflix in old sweats and still know she loves me. It’s the best, man.” He says, and watches Charles contemplate this.

“Plus, I’ve never been into meaningless sex.” Jackson shrugs.

“You don’t miss it, at all?” Charles asks, and April looks up at him curiously.

“Yeah ask that in front of his wife, wise ass.” Reed rolls her eyes.

He ignores all of them, and stares at April, “It’s sad, dull and you almost always regret it in the morning.”

“He’s got a point!” Reed chimes in.

“Well I see we’ve got ourselves a little congregation here. Off to work, all of you. Lunch break is done,” They all mumble protests and quickly get up, “Dr.Kepner since you’ve impressed Dr.Logan today during your individual rounds with me, he wants you to scrub in on my appendectomy. Nothing fancy, just some suctioning.”

He doesn’t appreciate her monotone, but is wildly happy for April that she gets to scrub in. He can feel the excitement radiating from her.

“Okay, go scrub in, I’ll join you momentarily. Rest of you, off to the ER.” They all scramble off, and he sees everyone congratulating April, although they’re all clearly envious.

“Dr.Avery! Hold up for a second will you?” Dr.Lindsay says with a smile, and he waits back. He wanted congratulate April but he didn’t think that was happening. “You didn’t tell me you were Harper Avery’s grandson.”

He hated the way she was grinning at him. He could smell ass kissing from a mile away. He wanted to tell her that there really is no point sucking up to him because he was on the outs with his family anyway. Sure, he was still a board member and had access to his funds that he never touched, except to buy April the ring he wanted. But, he wasn’t in his grandfather’s good graces. The reason he was still next in line to the foundation seat was merely because his family would rather have him take over the foundation, than let it venture outside the Avery name.

“I didn’t think it would be important.” He says, trying to keep the annoyance from his voice. She was still his superior.

“It is very important, Dr.Ave-Jackson,” She earns an eyebrow raise from him for her switch to his first name. She’s trying to establish a closer connection, he can tell. “I mean, I wouldn’t have put you on the colonoscopies and taken… Kepner on rounds if I knew.”

He tries his hardest not to frown at her. He hears the dislike she empahsizes on his wife’s name and he’s not a fan of anyone who chooses to treat his wife any less than she deserves.

“Well, Dr.Kepner is far more capable than I am, so I’m pretty sure you made the right choice there.” He shoots her the best fake smile he’s curated since he was a teenager forced to sit in on board meetings, and walks off.

Unfortunately, she decides to follow.

“You know, Jackson, I am actually participating in a new medical trial with Dr.Gashner, our renowned urologist. I’m sure your mother’s worked with him. She’s an astounding-”

Jackson wanted to push her into an empty room, and lock her in as she continued to ramble on about his mother. It was endearing when April did it, because she wasn’t looking to gain by idolizing his mother to him. The first time she’d done it, she hadn’t even known Catherine Avery was his mother. It had been about 3 months into their relationship, when he’d had to let the secret slip. She’d merely been recommending he read his mother’s journals, deeming them to be ‘brilliant.’

“Yeah, she’s great.” Jackson responded, having completely blocked her out and offering vague responses until now.

“Jackson, do you think you could rearrange this supply closet?” She asks, smiling gracefully at him.

“I thought you wanted us at the ER?” He says, although arranging the supply closet seems like a vacation from getting puked on every 5 seconds.

“Oh, well, the others have got that under control,” She says, opening the door for him.

Jackson’s not too sure about that but he was sure he was going to get assigned the stomach flus with Percy, so he shrugs his acquiescence. He didn’t want to smell like vomit, if he could help it. Mostly because he had every intent to take a nap with April once he’s done with this.

“Great.”

He steps in and goes towards the first shelf, picking up packets of gauze in his hand.

“Is there a particular list I could use for reference or-” He turns around to hopefully catch Dr.Lindsay before she’s left.

Well, he certainly didn’t have to have worried about her leaving. His shock causes him to drop the gauze from his hand, as his eyes quickly divert away from the image before him. Dr.Lindsay has managed to completely strip off all her clothes, leaving her in only her underwear, standing before him, wearing a smirk.

He was still reeling in, “Um, Dr.Lindsay what-”

“Sh, Jackson, it’s okay. You know, I knew I wanted to screw you senseless from the moment I saw you, but then to figure out you’re an Avery. That’s a double bonus, right there.” She says, voice low, walking towards him. He quickly dodges out of her touch when she reaches for him, side stepping around her.

“Yeah, uh-listen, I’m really not interested. At all.” He hopes he’s clear enough because there is so much truth to that statement. He could look at a woman, and completely platonically deem her attractive, even after his marriage. It was normal, and well within human nature. April got all hot and bothered every time she watched Magic Mike. But finding someone attractive and being attracted to them was wholly different. His wife was the only woman in the world, he found attractive and attracted to.

“Oh don’t worry, I’ll make sure you won’t get in trouble.” She practically purrs and he feels so incredibly uncomfortable, and worse, violated.

“No, it’s not that,” He laughs nervously, once more ducking as she claws at him. He wishes April would come in and fight this woman off for him, but also is happy she isn’t here to witness this, because he didn’t want her to misinterpret the situation.

“Then what is it?” She asks, her hands on her hips. Her lips curl from a frown to a grin in mere seconds, “Should I get more naked?”

She tugs at a bra strap and he realizes there is so much in this situation he can be polite about before snapping. Superior or not, he didn’t have to deal with this.

“Lindsay, please stop!” He’s stern when he wants to be and he’s heard from April that he can get frightening when he’s angry, “Could you put some clothes on?”

He could tell she was surprised you tone of disdain, but the surprise led her to slowly redress while he turned his back on her. After a while, he turned back.

“Look, um, I’m married. I have a wife.” He clarifies for good measure.

“I know.” She shrugs, pulling on her lab coat.

“You know?” He’s baffled she’d do this even after knowing his relationship status.

“I read your file. How else do you think I know you’re Harper Avery’s grandson?”

“I-You did this even after you knew I was someone’s husband? That is just-” He shakes his head in disgust.

“To Dr.Kepner of all people.” She scoffs, and he narrows his eyes, “What do you even see in her?”

“Well, for starters, she would never do what you’re doing right now.” He crosses his arms in front of him.

“Oh spare me the moral conscience. Look, I can make yours, and hers, intern years some of the best or worst years of your lives. Your choice.” She leans against the door, clearly attempting to be intimidating. He almost laughs to himself, because this is what he’s been trained for his entire life. Don’t let people take advantage of you, don’t let them intimidate you. You’re an Avery.

“See, I don’t think that’s true,” Calm, cool, collected. It’s scarier than yelling, “This right here, is sexual harassment. Why don’t I pop by the HR department today and fill in some paperwork, hm? Oh and while I’m making my way to HR, maybe I should pop by the Chief’s office and let him know that my resident just offered to trade sex for surgeries.”

“Listen-”

“No, Dr.Lindsay, it’s your time to listen. If you ever mistreat my wife because of this incident, I will make sure that you come nowhere near a Harper Avery for the rest of your life. Understand?”

She looked back at him wide eyed, mouth open, but after a second gathering her thoughts, nodded solemnly. He nodded back once, and made his way towards the door. He held the knob in his hand, and turned his body back towards her.

“You’re an intelligent and attractive woman, Dr.Lindsay. Have some class.”

He walked straight out of the supply closet, happy he’d gotten that out of the way. He knew she wouldn’t be trouble. No one in the medical community would dare have an Avery in their bad side. He walked straight to the ER, to help Charles.

2 hours later, he’s gotten a break from an agitated Dr.Lindsay, and he finds an on call room hoping to catch some sleep.

On his third try he finds an on call room that’s not locked and stumbles in, surprised to find his wife curled up on the bed. She was probably feeling the high, and he knew how much she loved to share every little detail.

“So, badass surgeon, how was-” He doesn’t finish the sentence because he notices that not only is she curled up in the bed, but that her body sporadically moves up and down, small sounds resembling sobs falling from her lips.

“Baby, hey, what’s wrong?” He walks up quickly to her, grabbing hold of her and pulling her into his lap. She rests her face on his neck and cries loudly.

She tells him that someone had misdiagnosed appendectomy, and the patient had already been septic by the time he’d arrived at the ER that morning. All in all, it hasn’t been a successful surgery, to the say the least. It was her first day, her first surgery, and her first patient death. It was too many firsts to take in all at once.

“He was married, Jackson. Just-just 32. He was someone’s husband.” She shakes with the intensity of her tears, and he holds her closer rocking her. He can tell this one must hit closer to home for her.

“I know, sweetheart, I know. It’s always hard. The first one is always hard.” He rubs her back.

“I’m such an emotional wreck. I just-maybe I’m not cut out for this. I don’t know how I can deal with all this grief.” She wipes her eyes and stares into his.

“You will, in due time. My mom used to cry for some patients. It’s surprising, I know. The great Catherine Avery, crying over a patient. It didn’t happen all the time, but there were rare times, when she’d get very emotionally attached to a patient she can’t save. It’s tough, even on the toughest women I know, like my mom… and you. You don’t have to be stoic to be a good doctor, April. You can be emotional, as long as you don’t let it consume you.” He tells her, and feels her nodding against his shoulders, where she’d kept her head jack down.

“You need to wait it out. Wanna know why?” He asks her.

“Yeah.”

“Because you haven’t experienced the thrill of saving your first life, yet. I hear it’s a pretty darn amazing feeling.” He says, and she smiles, kissing him softly.

“Thank you,” She smiles and her tears turn to giggles when he bites her nose, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They don’t get a chance the fall asleep until later, and when they do it’s on a gurney in the middle of the hallway. The rest of the little over 24 hours go fast, their bone tired by the time it’s done.

He carries her to their apartment because she’s fallen asleep in the cab. She struggles to stay awake as he strips her of her clothes and pulls her into the shower with him, and is completely asleep when he slathers her body in soap. He smiles lazily at her, as he she holds up her arms, eyes still shut, for him to pull one of his shirts over.

She falls back down to the bed, and when he’s done redressing, he crawls up the bed towards her. She holds her arms out to accommodate him, and he keeps his head on her chest, an arm and leg tossed over her body. She wraps her arms around his shoulders, and sleepily runs a hand over his head.

“Jackson?”

“Hm?”

He can hear the steady thrum of her heartbeat, and the magic her fingers are doing to his scalp is lulling him to a deep sleep.

“We’re doctors now.” She mumbles, and he moves his head slowly against her body in agreement.

“It feels strange.” He admits, “It feels… right.”

There’s a beat, and he’s falling deep into the land of darkness, when he faintly hears her voice, “We feel right.”

He sure as hell wasn’t going to disagree.

THANK YOU FOR READING! :)

#japril #japriet #japril fanfiction #jacksonavery #aprilkepner #jackson and april

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murdocklovespage · 7 years

Note

So, when you talk about your "long-winded and disjointed list of problems" with season 2...I'm curious to ask, what's on that list?

It’s been a few months since I’ve re-watched Season 2, so feel free to correct me if I’ve misremembered something.

My biggest problems with season 2:

The Timeline:

Everything has to take place in the span of a few weeks? If it worked out logically, Matt wouldn’t have self-destructed the way he did. He catches the Punisher in a few days, the trial happens a week later (riiight...) and then lasts a few days. Then the Punisher gets out in less time than the length of the trial. And all of this is happening during very time-sensitive Hand discoveries? Kevin McCallister voice: I don’t think so.

Nelson and Murdock

How in the hell do two men with expensive law degrees afford to live in New York when they are (maybe) paying the rent for their space and nothing else? You can’t ignore that fact for an entire second season. Maybe Matt could survive off of whatever money his father left him, but that seems unlikely. And I haven’t gotten the vibe that Foggy is rich like in the comics. Plus, the Punisher certainly isn’t paying them, so the best case scenario would be that hopefully their careers aren’t ruined and more (criminal) clients to show up on their doorstep after everything is done?

I know DD is a dark show, but one of the best elements of the show is the relationships. Foggy and Karen balance Matt out - they are his ties to his humanity. But the second half of the show he is off screwing them over and they barely interact with him for the last four episodes - a good 1/4th of the season. I don’t think he even speaks with Foggy in those last episodes. Foggy basically disappears from the show - and the fact that Matt doesn’t see him while he’s standing on the roof of the same hospital is so incredibly aggravating. He’s been Daredevil for a year? A year and a half? So he was a decent friend before all that and then became an asshole? Does his alter-ego have that big a hold on him? He really needed to have more conversations with Father Lantom, that’s for damn sure.

They didn’t use Foggy enough after the trial. He’s so much better than the role of sanctimonious best friend. In the beginning of season 2 he is more accepting of Matt’s nightly activities and I think that’s because he knows that Matt isn’t going to stop. But no, we need to rehash the conversation they had in Murdock v. Nelson (which is my favorite episode of S.1, btw) because Matt just doesn’t learn. Foggy is justifiably upset with his partner, but it comes off as annoying.

Whenever Matt is an asshole, Foggy ends up being an asshole to Karen too, which is garbage. He’s like, “I’m out,” but he is her employer. She’s losing everything after all her sacrifices for their firm. I know she’s always trying to keep things together when he just wants distance from Matt, but both of their lives are crumbling and his mentality is basically, “I can’t deal with you right now, Karen. Even though you helped me get through all of this.”

The fact that Matt thinks he can promise Karen that he’ll protect her when he dodges her calls, lies to her, and ignores her is flat out asinine. And for the majority of the show, she’s just nods her head when he says he’ll protect her. If she doesn’t know that he’s Daredevil, the only frame of reference she has is him letting her stay at his apartment (which wasn’t attacked, so I guess that counts), and him telling her she needs to be more careful. But seriously, how does he even think he’s protecting her? He was ok with her going with Grotto, who was being hunted (not his fault, but a good example of failing to protect her), then her apartment is shot up. He straight up failed at what he promised (with the exception of the DA’s office) and those are only season 2 examples. I know he’s human, and he can’t be everywhere, but quit acting like you BELIEVE you’ll protect her, Matt!

He was finally willing to go off with her into protective custody - to which I was like, “YES,” even though I feel like it was uncharacteristic of him. How long would he have stuck around if she’d let him? He could have been doing this the entire time. Thank God she told him that he wasn’t hers to protect in the end. He needed that rude awakening.

The Trial

Why would N&M let Frank wear the orange jumpsuit during the majority of the trial when they knew he needed to be humanized? They never would have done that in a real courtroom. Also, there was no way Castle was going to be a good boy and give a good testimony when he thought he was justified and LIKED killing everyone. That was a bad call, Karen. He can’t use his sex glare on the whole courtroom.

Frank was annoyed about the PTSD argument, but they should have explained that his PTSD didn’t stem from the war. He saw his family butchered in front of him, was shot in the head, and was almost murdered after surviving all of that. You don’t think you have PTSD? You think going on a murderous rampage and enjoying it is normal? There’s clearly something wrong with you, bro. And if you don’t see that, there’s the proof.

I want Matt to be a decent lawyer with ever fiber of my being. But instead, he goes off on this tangent that should have been his opening remarks (if he hadn’t slept through it.) He was testifying for Frank, not “questioning the witness.” How did Samantha Reyes let that slide?

I cringe every time they say they could “win this.” Like, how? He still killed dozens of people. Do they mean that Castle would be put in a mental institution? Is that winning?

The Villains - I feel like they made the same mistake a lot of superhero movies (and Luke Cage) make, and that is including WAY too many villains. The show felt incredibly disjointed. We have The Hand, the Punisher, The Blacksmith, Elektra and Stick for a hot minute, and Fisk. It’s ridiculous.

This is my biggest issue with Season 2. It felt like they decided to tell an incomplete story in order to set up The Punisher, Iron Fist, and the Defenders.

The Hand

had been around since season 1 and I STILL don’t feel like I have a decent grasp of what they are/why they’re doing what they’re doing. They should have just been thrown in during the last episode, because that’s how much information I felt like I got after 9 episodes.

Even with Iron Fist, I feel like the Hand was barely explained. Now it’s also some cult that good people get swept up into (but when they try to leave, the people who cared about them are instantly willing to drain their bodies of blood and fight them… sure...) I feel like Matt whenever Stick talks about the Chaste. Annoyed and in disbelief that it even exists.

Somehow the enormous hole situation is enough to pull Matt back in? He’s like, “I’m not helping you anymore, Elektra. Oh wait, there are giant holes in Manhattan. Ok, I’m in.”

Why are centuries old trained ninjas such terrible fighters? They don’t even seem like real bad guys. They’re expendable and they suck.

I feel like the real reason the writers had the Hand kidnap all of the people that DD had saved was to give Karen a reason to be potentially thankful when Matt reveals his alter ego. Also, why in the hell was Turk kidnapped when DD beats him up regularly? He is not one of the victims of the criminal element of Hell’s Kitchen, he IS a criminal.

The Punisher

His introduction - which, honestly, I still loved because it gave me chills, but it doesn’t make much sense. If he has this code, why would he shoot up a hospital? If he is such a marksman, why didn’t he just wait until he caught up to him and shoot him? But no, he has to use a shotgun in a hospital to chase a dude who is being protected by an innocent woman so that he looks scary. That’s the only reason.

How in the hell did the Punisher have the resources to find Grotto when he was given an alias and the police didn’t even know?

I feel like the conversations between the Punisher and Matt were some of the best acting on the show, but the Punisher won most of the arguments. Also, Matt tries to get on his level by acting like he understands the struggle of a war vet, which really pissed me off. And if DD told me that the men who killed my children IN FRONT OF ME deserved justice… Let’s just say the Punisher seemed pretty damn patient in that moment.

Also, Matt. You literally throw billy clubs at brains. Those men are brain dead. You have no higher ground to stand on.

The relationship between Karen and Frank. She doesn’t trust him, then she does, then she doesn’t, then he saves her and she trusts him again. Then this conversation happens:

Karen: The Blacksmith already tried to get me once, I really don’t want to give him a second chance.Frank: He’s not going to get it.Frank (under his breath?): Except I’m going to use you as bait a few minutes later, and technically his people will be shooting at you, but you know, you’re safe, or whatever.

Also, if she were in protective custody, why wouldn’t the police go into the elevator? Does “we’ll be right outside” mean they’ll be “right outside” the hotel?

The Blacksmith

Felt like an afterthought. Frank Castle’s family dying at a drug bust for the Blacksmith was so ridiculously coincidental. And why in the hell would the Blacksmith help him at his trial if he’s coming after everyone involved in the deaths of his family? He was the only positive element of Frank’s trial, but he could have easily said no, and his problem would disappear. He acts like he owes a debt to Frank, and then tries to kill him.

The Punisher and the Blacksmith should have been combined into one season and everything else into another. But since season 3 is happening two years after season 2, I guess this is the crazy way they decided to do it.

Elektra and Stick

Maybe you don’t think that they were villains here, but they were certainly problems that took up multiple episodes. Stick turns on on Elektra… Why? Because she chose Matt instead of him? And then Matt just jumps on his side when she justifiably attacks him. Hey dude, your douchebag sensei:

Abandoned you as a child.

Sent Elektra to ruin your life in college.

Has a completely different code than you, and never keeps his promises. You literally can’t trust him.

Tried to kill her because she wasn’t a good soldier - just like you. And you don’t ask questions?

I need to end this by saying that I still like season 2, it was just super flawed. I like Elektra and the Punisher. I like that Karen steps away to become her own person. I like Foggy showing he doesn’t need Matt - even though it breaks my heart and if I had a choice I would pick Matt being a decent person instead. And I loved the Karen/Matt storyline until they just gave up on it.

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mknwaywardwanderer · 7 years

Text

As usual, I have not written in a while. As a matter of fact, I have not written anything not related to work or my graduate studies since 2016. I have been feeling like I have a lot to say, but nobody to discuss it with. So who better to talk to than myself? #onlyslightlycrazy. To be honest, I have struggled a lot this year and it is somthing, I think, that should be shared. If anything at all comes from my writing other than catharsis or plain, simple release, I want people to know that they are not alone. That struggle is universal. That pain may be so overwhelming, stifling, and sharp that sometimes not even your closest loved ones can quell whatever turbulence has been stirred up within you. Whether you have lost someone, lost a piece of yourself, made a mistake, or just royally fucked up, you can choose to fight against the forces dragging you down. I was in a relationship for five years with somebody who I still love very much. Somebody who, at the inception of our relationship, was breathtaking. His intellect and his confidence were charming. From the moment we met, we could barely bare being away from each other. But there were concerns. My family disliked the age gap between us, they disliked that he dealt poker illegally for a living, they disliked the fact that I had just finished my first year in college and wanted to see a man who lived back home. None of these reasons persuaded me from being around him. We could talk for hours, lay in bed all day just laughing and watching movies, sleeping through the sunlit hours and sitting by the fire drinking until we couldn't see anything other than each other's faces. I felt weak and very unsure of myself then, but he had this enormous energy whenever he spoke to anybody. A power and light I came to rely on. Thinking about our relationship, its hard to believe we are those same people. He was there for me when my family wasn't, when they turned me away, and kicked me out, when they walked out on me he was the one who bought my school books, who drove me upsate for the beginning of my semester, who helped me get my first real job. He was there when I called him drunk and hysterical after wandering away from my friends in the middle of the night. In college, I drank almost every day until I met him. I was running from myself in this perpetual race against catching a glimpse of the girl in the mirror. I would wake up in cold sweats, dreading the day, dreading the thought of trying and failing, so I skipped class and finals and quizzes. I drank for breakfast and showed up to classes drunk. Until I met him, I didn't have anybody I felt I could talk to about how much I hated myself and feared evaluating who I was. As soon as I bared myself to him, he found ways to build me up but break me down simultaneously. Something he had patience in sculpting. He would praise me for my intelligence but chide me for being foolish, overly eager and trusting. He would compliment my beauty but point out what I ate with him in public. He would tell me he wanted to flaunt me but the clothes that I wore embarrassed him. Over time, I tried to fight back but I doubted myself. Every time we fought, every time I felt upset, he asked me if I really felt that way or if I was just letting my emotions cloud my judgement. I could see the logic in his judgements, yes maybe I could dress better, yes technically he was right and I was obese. Yes I was often overly sensitive and even though I worked, went to school full time, and was in and out of the hospital for my sister who tried to kill herself every three months, I shouldn't expect his help with chores because he too was busy. It took me 5 years to really understand the deep psychological toll our relationship had on me. I left him three times, each time feeling that I couldn't take another minute of living under his pressure. Overwhelmed by his presence, and silenced by his logic that he used to berate me into silence. But twice I reached out to him, needing him, wanting to be near him and I went back, thinking things would be different because I was different. I perceived myself to be the weak link, this problematic, over-emotional wreck that had forced his hand. I blamed myself for his resentment and anger, I pushed back and pushed him away. But each time I returned, I felt stronger and capable of rising above his argumentative tactics, the way he broke people down when he was angry and frustrated. I thought I could swallow my fear and the flashbacks to my childhood when his rage brought him to break and throw objects, or punch holes in walls… because what was the harm? He wasn’t actually hitting me. He would just walk out, or walk away, or ignore me until he begged me to take care of him. I felt needed. Yet, slowly, I slid back into being silenced. I tried repeatedly to stand my ground, I would refuse to do chores, refuse to answer his questioning of me when he was aiming to back me into a corner where only he could win, when I allowed him to upset me I would walk out so he couldn’t see how deeply his words affected me. I thought I could win. Sometime after dealing of 5 years of a very intense, passionate, love hate relationship, I started to drown. I was in school full time, working more than full time hours, cleaning and doing laundry for myself, my boyfriend, his friends who he let live with us rent free, and running to take care of my sister who continued her various suicide attempts, intermittent overdoses, alcohol poisoning, and severe self-harming. I asked for help from his friends, but they could only do so much. I asked my boyfriend for help, I begged him, nagged him, pleaded with him, flat out demanded him, and explained to him why I needed his help, why it made sense for him to pitch in, how his behaviors were affecting me. Nothing worked. I suddenly began experiencing downswings of depression that were worse than my most severe panic attacks where I was gasping for breath, grabbing my arms, and silently screaming, the heat from the tears raking down my face while I locked myself away. Mortified to be seen. Avoiding help because I blamed myself for allowing the stress to build and overtake me. I could barely speak to people at work. On the days when my moods were the lowest, I would hide in my bathroom, my car, or empty closets sobbing for hours, unable to move because every fiber of my being was pushing me towards hurting myself. I would see old anti-depression pills in my nightstand, bottles of Nyquil, loose razors, shards of broken mirror. All I could think about was ending everything, while I rocked there back and forth, paralyzed with the horror that I was trained to deal with this, I had helped friends and family through this, and yet I had never felt such a rooted pain and urge to quiet every criticism and doubt thrashing around in my head. The closest thing I could compare it to was when I found out I was pregnant at 20, just starting a new university. I missed orientation and work because I couldn’t leave the house without becoming ill. I was six weeks when I found out, and although my boyfriend was impartial, I knew what my family would think. They expected this of me. To fail, to succumb to the mistakes every stupid young girl makes. I wouldn’t let them win. So I decided to take pills for an abortion and do it at home. For weeks afterwards, I was barely myself. I forced myself to go to class and get to work. But whenever I had the chance I laid in my bed in my dorm room, and forced myself to sleep because the waking reality was too much. Every moment I thought about it. Every moment I felt this urge to punish myself. The last episode I had I couldn’t fight anymore, I was alone. My boyfriend and I had a huge fight. I had papers due in a day that I hadn’t started. I was supposed to be working overtime on a new project, and my boyfriend had told me he’d been sleeping with somebody else. I couldn’t breathe. It was as if nothing else existed besides my pain and the solution I’d taken out and left on my desk, debating if that was the answer. I took three pills at a time, pausing to choke while trying to breathe and making every effort to keep my sobs silent. 15 pills later I stopped and wondered if this would be enough. I wasn’t brave enough to continue. I went out and tried to talk to my boyfriend about how I was feeling, but he turned me away. I again started bawling like a child. I told him I had to go to the hospital but I couldn’t say anything else. I just kept whispering how sorry I was. He shook me until I told him what I did. He told me to throw up, but he wouldn’t take me to the hospital because “I knew and he knew it wasn’t going to help me.” I was so thrown that I took the week off from work, and completely abandoned my school work. I told my boss it was the flu. I didn’t email my professors until I absolutely had to, explaining in light detail my mental break and hoped for lenience. That week we had to move to a new apartment, but in that time I wouldn’t let my boyfriend touch me. I stayed as far away from him as I could. I saw him suffering, needing me, resenting me, but I needed space. It was slow, more like a gradual wave carrying me to some semblance of clarity. I realized this was it. This wasn’t for me. I couldn’t live like this anymore, and I couldn’t come back. I told him I was leaving, he begged me to stay, he loved me, pointed out he couldn’t pay for the 1 year lease without me, asked me to give him a month to change. But this was the same pitch he gave every time I left. And in 5 years, our relationship had only soured more each time we tried again. I was determined and clear, but completely torn apart. Heartbroken because he was a love like nothing else I had ever had. I left because if I didn’t, I think I would’ve taken my own life. Because I finally realized I deserved better, and needed better. Today, 6 months later, I still love him. I dream of him when I find myself worried about him. I know even now he is bitter and struggling, but I don’t want to go back. Because love is not always enough, and honestly it shouldn’t be. Self-worth, happiness, independence, and self-love should never be taxed or lessened by a relationship with somebody you love. Each time I came back because love trumped all logic, defied all odds. But the reality is the only person you should love so fully, without abandon, is yourself. Even though today I still question my sanity, I question my abilities, and whether I’m good enough, I find the strength to fight through those negative thoughts and let myself feel free, I let myself let go and walk away, on to better things. I recognize my accomplishments, I take a moment to decide when I need to go easier on myself, I give myself a break. Self-love is an endless journey, one I’m not entirely sure I will reach the end of. But I know the end goal of every day is to make some progress towards it, because my happiness matters.

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philanddanxreader · 7 years

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Cancer is a real bi**h

Hello, love bugs!

Warnings- Talk of death and cancer. What's up with you guys wanting sad stories? No smut like the Anon asked for sorry.

Could you do an x reader (can be either Dan or Phil) where one of them has cancer and they have only a month or a few weeks to live?? Make it really fluffy and cute with a bit of smut if possible. -anonymous

Thankfully he somehow kept his smile. The way he would bite his tongue when he would try and hold back from being too loud. Even after all of the needles and treatments, he was still able to smile.

The morning was normal. Well, you're new normal. Waking up in the morning alone you get the day started making a warm drink before sitting on the couch to watch some tv before jumping in the shower. You missed home. It had been forever since yourself and Phil had been back home. You were in the apartment that you started renting to be closer to the hospital. It was tiny and didn't feel like home in any way. Sure some of your things were there but it still wasn't the same. Thankfully you would only be here for one more sleep before you get to talk Phil home. The doctors and Phil decided that there wasn't any more that could be done. So the decision was made to go home and enjoy the last bit of time he has. It could be a month or a week. What mattered was making Phil comfortable and happy. He wanted to be out of the hospital more then you wanted him out.

After your quick shower, you found some comfy clothes to be in for the rest of the day. You went from the time visiting hours started to when it was done. You had been getting everything prepared for Phil between getting a will set up to what his wishes were for a funeral. It sucked but you knew Phil needed you to do this for him. You pushed all of those thoughts out of your head and decided to continue on with the routine. Grabbing a water bottle. Packing some as Phil put it “Good cereal.” chargers and anything else you may need. Looking at the time it was already 8:30. The commute was about fifteen minutes so you definitely had time to grab the two of you something warm to drink on the way.

Once you finally made your way finally to the hospital you said hi to the new regular faces. It was going to be weird that after tomorrow you won't see these people anymore. Faces of comfort and at this point faces that were almost like family to you. Finding the elevator you hit the same button you have probably hit over a hundred times. You remember the time you took this exact ride with Phil’s parents for the first time. You had to try so hard to keep strong and be there to support them and explain everything you had been told in the last 48 hours. That was just as hard as bringing Dan up to visit for the first time. It hurt to see the other people that Phil and yourself love hurt so bad.

You pushed the memories out. You have to be the brave face for Phil and thinking about the sad memories wasn't going to help. You found the room with Phil in the bed chatting up the nurse as she checked everything. It was nice to see him chatty and happy. Unlike the mornings that he was so sleepy, he could bearly keep his eyes open to say hello. The moment he saw you enter his eyes somehow lit even brighter.

“There she is! My beautiful girlfriend. I told you she is one of a kind.” You couldn't help the little blush that peeked to your cheeks. He was so dorky and adorable all in one perfect package.

“He is all good. I will let the staff know you are here Y/N.” You gave a nod to the nurse as she made her way out of the room. You didn't have much time to watch her leave before Phil started talking to you like it had been weeks since he has seen you and not hours.

“What did you smuggle in for me today?” Tossing your bag by his feet you dug through to find the bag of cereal you had packed for him earlier that morning.

“It’s not smuggling when they know I do it, Phil. In fact, I think I have done this over forty days in a row.” Phil smiled as he held his hand out for the bag.

“Hey, contraband is contraband. Plus breakfast was terrible this morning so I have been waiting for this like a sad puppy in a window.” Phil opened the bag and started into the dry mix of crunchy whatever. You took the time to do the usual little things you do in the day to keep yourself busy. Giving Phil new cold water. Finding his laptop and making sure it’s charged. All the little things that made you feel useful.

“So only one more day until I am once again a free man. How long has it been since we have been home?” You had to think on that. He had collapsed four days after his birthday in the lounge after complaining he was feeling funny. One trip to the hospital and many tests later you had found out it was cancer. Brain cancer to be exact. After that, it had all seemed like a blur of tests and treatment. There was talk for a long time of surgery but he never became strong enough for them to go through with it.

“Seven months since we have been home together. I went home just the other day to take a load of stuff from the rental to our place. I have almost everything ready for you there. All the plants miss you like crazy. Your brother has done a pretty ok job looking after them but I can't tell they need a little Phil love.” Phil smiled at that. He was glad his plants were taken care of while he was gone be he so desperately wanted to be back there doing what he loved being back in his happy place. He had dreams of being back home snuggled into bed with you but when he woke up it was always in the same place alone.

“I think the first thing I am going to do when we get home is have a real shower. If you play your cards right I may even offer you to join me.” Phil raised his eyebrows being of course as cheeky as possible. You both missed old life. The one where you would take vacations and go on walks through London. The life where he could eat when he wanted or stay up as late as he decided. No one poking him with needles or waking him up almost every hour on the dot to check on him. What the two of you missed most of all was just being near each other. He missed waking up breathing in the smell of your hair. You missed sleeping next to a furnace of a person even if you were boiling hot. You also missed the sex. It wasn't the major thing in the relationship. It definitely doesn't make a relationship. But it was the intimacy. Holding each other. Kissing every inch of his body. Feeling his stubble rub against your inner thighs. That had been something long gone from your new world of hospitals and round the clock care.

“I think the second thing we need to do is finally finish the last episode of that stupid series we started. It's killing me not to see spoilers.” Phil laughed as he motioned for you to come into his bed with him. When he first came the two of you would get in trouble for lying together in bed. Now, however, the nurses and doctors didn't seem to mind so much.

“Do you think when we are back home we can have sex again?” You paused not sure of the answer. You knew Phil would want to try and make life as normal as he could for the amount of time he had left but you were afraid he wouldn't realise how much he still won't be able to do.

“How about when the doctor comes for his visit today you ask. I am definitely not asking him that.” The little faintness of pink was creeping on your cheeks as Phil played with your left hand in his right. Was it normal to pretend that things would be okay or should the two of you be more realistic and face the music.

“I will.” The silence filled the air as the two of you sat there thinking of what to say next. “Do you think I will have long?” You hated this question. People putting a timer on your life. Some people are told a week and they live for years and others the opposite. You didn't want to think of the quantity. Just the quality.

“For as long as possible. I don't like to think about it. I know you’re going to leave me one day. But I'm being selfish and pretending it's going to be forever.” Phil didn't like that answer much but decided to leave it. He had come to terms with everything. You, however, did not feel the same. He got to leave but you had to stay and pick up the pieces and be the heartbroken one after. It’s easy to die. It's harder to live and continue on.

“Did you invite Dan for the coming home supper?” You nodded happily for the change in subject.

“I did. And as you requested we are having fajitas.”

“Good. God, I miss real food. Not that the food you do smuggle me isn't great. I just miss being able to cook or rather having you cook and dance around the kitchen.”

“Me too.Soon. One more sleep until I'm breaking you out of here. I'm thinking we do like El Chapo and dig a tunnel and ride a motorcycle like the badasses we are.” Phil agreed as he pulled you into his chest. Phil has been saying that his happy place was home with you. Your happy place was anywhere with him.

#amazingphil #amazingphil imagine #amazingphil x reader #phil lester #phil lester x reader #phil lester imagine

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dfnews · 7 years

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Episode Recap of "Spud's First Birthday".

Season 4, Episode 3 - June 19, 2017

"Spud's first birthday brings the family together for a celebration. Meanwhile, Joy and Austin work on a house-flipping project; and in Laredo, things heat up in the kitchen with Jinger and Jeremy."

That line about things heating up between JinJer is quite racy. We could only hope TLC would air something like that. They would rather stick with coma inducing content instead.

1. And the coma begins. The show opens up with recently wed JinJer sitting at home talking about going grocery shopping. At the store they look at food. Cheese excites Jeremy to no end. Jinger says she loves living in Laredo and that she'll need to learn Spanish. I hope she has better luck than Jill. Back at home Jin is sent to work in the kitchen as Jer moves Duggar bought furniture so he can workout. Jeremy's parents bought him dumbbells as a wedding present. How romantic.Maybe that gift represents the family he married into. Jinger needs to do the prisoner thing and use them to build up her muscles so she can fight off unwanted sexual contact and bust out of that hell hole. I'm referring to the cult not Laredo. When asked about what his life will be in a year, Jeremy states pretty much what he's doing now. When asked about five years, he mentions starting a family within the next five years and Jinger grins. So, do they now believe in using birth control which is against God's will? (According to the Duggars.) Are they sinners in the eyes of the Godbobber or just blowing smoke out of their butts by pretending to not be babymaking machines? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

2. A visit to Benessa's house is next which ends up crawling with children to help snap me out of my coma. Just slightly. Anna and Jill arrive with their kids to go to a consignment sale. They take footprints of the kids and measure their inseams like old Jewish tailors. As the kids overwhelm the tiny house Benessa talk again about buying a bigger home so they can foster and adopt. The Godbobber has a bunch of homes. Even Jason bought a home. What's holding up Benessa? If they do adopt I bet it will be an older girl so Jessa can check out like her mom.

3. Joystin are working on a house to flip. Don't worry, Austin's dad is chaperoning and Austin is looking out for the best interests of Joy's thumbs with the buzz saw. After this fifth house is flipped, Austin will be allowed to ask Joy's daddy to allow Joy to marry him. That was the deal he made with his dad and he's sticking to it. Joy and Austin look comfortable hanging around with each other as they work. Marriage will change that. Joy will become a babe swooning, stuck in the kitchen, perpetually pregnant house slave. This scene ends with a love note written to Austin by Joy on the old linoleum as seen in the picture. She actually writes I <3 U!!! Isn't that giving away a piece of your heart which Duggar girls are banned from doing? And who's Ethyl?

4. Back to the girls and kids. There is a little time-line fibbing here because Jessa earlier said she was 7 months pregnant which would have meant this was filmed in November or December but Jessa is much smaller in these shopping scenes and it's obviously still summer or early fall. Someone said this sale happened in September. When did DerJill get back from their phony missioning? Also Jill wouldn't have been pregnant in September. So take this episode's time-line with a grain of salt as with most episodes. The girls "wisely" took the kids shopping when they are tired and cranky. For some stupid reason, Anna is carrying around a baby and a ton of clothes. Doesn't this stupid store have shopping carts? Markie ends up falling and gashing his head on something and Anna has no hands free to help him. She somehow dumps Meri and the clothing somewhere and is then seen rushing out of the store with Markie. No blood was shown in this episode. They enjoy looping puking scenes but in this case they were sensitive about blood. Anna later worried that she came off as nervous and upset during the accident. She has been guilted into hiding her emotions in every way for every reason. That poor woman is going to eventually have a break down. Jill left with Anna and Markie for the hospital leaving Jessa with Mackie, Mikey, Meri, Izzy and Spudinsky, oh, and a full tv crew to help. She buys a bunch of stuff and loads them all into a van. I hope she had enough appropriate car seats. LOL! Like the Duggars even care about that. Back at the compound Markie comes home with his head entirely wrapped up in bandages. How big was this cut? He looks like he just went through brain surgery. Another successful Duggar shopping trip.

5. A few month later at the compound, Joy is rounding up annoyed looking kids for a meeting. Spud's birthday is early November but the Duggars already have their Christmas decor out. Joy explains his party is belated due to the rude marriage of Jinger and Jeremy on Spud's birthday. Joy talks about her duties in the house since Jinger was evicted and her mother apparently passed away. She's in charge of the little girls' hair, and I'm sure more, keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, typing up frivolous lawsuits to keep the money coming in, and now Jessa has put her in charge of her child's first birthday party. Joy needs to acquire some weights in order to break out of her own prison. Joy takes six of the kids out shopping to buy cake and other supplies. I wonder if the Duggars know they can order groceries and have them delivered now instead of trying to convince the girls they love shopping. A little less brainwashing is good for any family.

6. Back at the compound Joy is barking out orders and rushing about to make a special birthday for a 13 month old. Why such a big deal for a 1st birthday? I don't think it would have been if it wasn't being filmed. I have no photos of me on my 1st birthday. My parents probably didn't do anything since I was too little to care and my mom was seven months pregnant at the time and my older sister had just been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I completely forgive them. I held a small party for my foster child's first birthday with just a few grown-up friends and a small cake I made which he didn't eat. He didn't eat because he and I developed a horrible tummy bug the next day. Ahhh, fun memories. Joy decorates the house and hopes nothing goes wrong for the birthday. Life is full of surprises, Joy. Take my advise. Just hope you have a happy baby for the day who doesn't puke all over you. That's all you can ask for.

7. Why didn't they just buy sorbet instead of making it? Why do they constantly make their lives harder than necessary? Michelle is resurrected to assist in making the sorbet. I'm sure she'll quickly disappear again when some laundry needs to be done of the kids track mud into the house. Ben's family is visiting for the party. They announce they have moved from Hot Springs to Little Rock. I wonder why? Maybe Ben's dad finally got a job. They talk about how Spud is growing and Ben loves how he is beginning to talk. When Spud wakes up in the morning he looks at Ben and says, "Cracker?" Yes, Spud. Your dad is a cracker. We've known that for awhile. The tons of guests arrive at the compound for the party. Derick walks in and looks skeletal. His clothes hang on him. He still has the man bun. They talk about returning to El Salvador soon but I think he needs a hospital stay first. Trust me. He's going to end up in the hospital eventually. Hopefully it will be in the States.

8. Spud gets his smash cake which ended up nearly as well as my foster child's party. He refused to eat it and then threw up on himself. Kind of like uncle Derick too! They video chat with JinJer and the Godbobber shows up to take photos. Josh and his family are nowhere to be seen. The boys have talking heads where the Three Stooges are mentioned though they could only name two stooges. Now where did they learn something so worldly as the Three Stooges? I always get a little freaked out when a Duggar attempts to step out into my world. Shooo! Get back into your bubble! Outside, the bigger kids are going all howler monkey on an inflatable jump house. I've worked with kids for many hundreds of decades and I've never seen kids out to destroy a jump house like this Duggar bunch. I hope they bought it and it wasn't rented.

I'm starting a new feature with this recap called, What Did We Learn This Week?

1. We learned that cheese excites Jeremy so much that the Vuolos are going to name their children after cheeses. Velveeta Vuolo is a pretty name.

2. We learned that Ethyl and Joy Duggar <3 Austin. I'm Counting On sister wives.

3. We learned that sorbet can get Michelle to come back to life. Powerful stuff!

4. And we learned that the Duggar kids, when left unsupervised with inflatable toys, can be as destructive as a man preaching family values as he surfs the web for hookers.

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