I remember first meeting Marc in 2008, as soon as he walked out of his mothers door I was like YEAH…. Im TOTALLY sleeping with this guy… that was a no brainer. For the next few years we went back and forth being the convenient thing for each other in the in-between spaces and sometimes overlapping the others. 

During that time I had the luxury of getting to know him without all the extras and confines of a relationship, I witnessed him with his mom and sister and Grandma I saw his kindness and care for them, I saw his vulnerability when in their presence. 

You could see his entire face soften in their presence, his smile was wide and full and for brief moments it was as if all of his grief was erased by his love for them… it was in a moment that his mom was in the kitchen in her home in Jonesboro she was doing dishes and he walked up behind her and sniffed her just a sweet little gesture but a primal one I myself use.

I smell my kids, my mom smelled me its the primal way of knowing whose ours and who we belong to and its scents that will stay forever in your mind… in that moment I believe I fell in love. The moment was so tender and raw and I saw him… it would still be many years before I was willing to admit that even to myself…. 

I tell this story because I remember when we had our daughter Erin and how he would hold her and stare all the time and just inhale her, he would do the same to me and I just knew he loved me so, I also remember when he stopped… It was the very thing that indicated we were having a problem, that he was not here for me, that we were now merely going through the motions… I remember having our son and the few times he showed him the same affection as our daughter and during the pregnancy there it was again the primal need to inhale me, to fill his senses with me completely… and remember when it stopped again… 

By that time i didn’t care, I was tired, I no longer desired it, I felt like I was begging to be loved and said fuck it i don’t need it… the funny thing is sometimes you don’t know what you need until you don’t have it…

Last night I was on the couch surfing Facebook and he comes up on the side of me from behind and i anticipated a kiss but it was a whole face sniff and in that moment I realized that the man I fell in love with, is now the man I am married to and every single moment that led us to here, every single mishap, blessing, curse, person and situation was worth it and was apart of the journey to lead us both to the ultimate truth that the two of us have fought, denied or simply was to hardheaded to admit… we are created for each other.

it docent mean it will be easy, but it also docent need to be so hard. Love always wins if you allow it to, love truly has no conditions it is the purest most potent aspect in life, forgiveness runs a very close second and commitment seals it all… 

so in the infamous words of Salt and Peppa… Heres to the future because we got through the past!

onwards and upwards to greater healing, greater love, greater understanding.

affectionately yours,

Mrs Stephens

I saw this and immediately thought back to a picture Marc once showed me he took off me in his phone. It wasn't done exotic sexy picture or one of my various nudes or the hey come get some shots... It was just me, plain as day, smiling. He captured it unbeknownst to me and decided to share it one day months later... I to had a picture of him that for me captured the man I feel in love with many years before that moment. I sit here and read this now and wonder how true is this statement. Was our break up a great loss, did he fear it, is he still afraid? As we move on to different spaces there are so many questions

The AMAZING newborn photographer Amanda of @amandanicolephotoatl was revamping her studio a d decided to gift me this photo of Marc and Kieran, it was taken February 26th 2016 he was only 13 days old.... He is now 680 days old lol his face is still the same and one day I hope this picture hangs in his home above a picture of him and his own son. Family is the only thing that lasts forever, blood never thins and it always calls. This may be the best Christmas gift or the worst lol it's a flood of emotions. Part of me loves to have this memory and to be able to see Marcs smile and see them together, the other part of me is looking at this life size picture of him in my living room and I want to set it on fire and poss on it LMAO I have issues... Don't worry my therapist knows lol I'm just thankful for it all and still choose love still shoose to smile about what was though it may have to go I'm the back ofy closet for now lol #5stagesofgrief #thebullandtheram #fathers #thestorieswewilltellourgrandkids #kieranswideworld #tellyourownstory

I'm laying here about to nap while the littles are sleeping and running 2017 over in my mind and thinking on how freely I've shared my life and story and how totally theraputic that is for me. I like to get it out I like for other to connect and relate it make me feel less alone in my own struggles and reminds me of how connected we all are. I lay here and think about how the last half of this year was one of the most tumultuous ones for me with my seperation from Marc. It caused me to look at very old wounds and very dark spaces and recognize much about my own self as a human, as a woman and as a mother... I wanted to touch on that last title for a moment... I get so many props on being a good mom and how happy the kids are and all of that feels amazing but I want to be completely honest... That's not everyday and damn sure not always. When Marc first left I wanted to send them packing with his ass too like uhhhhh look dude take your kids too!!! I saw them and it hurt and made me angry and I was overwhelmed. I felt trapped. Like my man YOU wanted kids now you decide to walk away and I'm stuck with two damn kids ( and let's face facts its much harder for a woman to move on with a kid on your tit and one in kindergarten, meanwhile he's able to move on like nothing with no responsibility or anything) I HATED that shit and I wanted out!!! I wasnt happy, I found myself battling back and forth with options do I send just Erin, do we split the kids do I drop their ass off at DFSCS? 50 million "bad mom" thoughts went through my mind and out of my mouth as well... But we don't post that, we don't discuss that, we post the playing, the field trips the oh look at us cuddling... we never speak about the days where the house is in shambles the kids are a wreck you haven't bathed in days and you just wish you never met that mother fucker and DAMN sure never had his kids.... (Yes multiple truths can exist in one space you can love and want you kids and also not want them in moments.) I was so lucky to have friends to lean on, to come bring snacks and food and just be a sounding board (while also ensuring my children were safe because let's face it overwhelmed moms kill their kids) because of them and my dope ass therapist I always felt safe, nutured and able to share. Those relationships are invaluable to me. I wanted to share this so some other overworked, underappreciated left behind parent realizes it's OK. That everyday is not insta-fucking-gram day, that you are not require to be a Pinterest mom, and not everyday will you just LOVE being a care giver... That shit is EXHAUSTING.... And it's draining and you get lost and you forget you're even a fucking woman because your needs get pushed so far behind everything else trying to be all things AND make up for the person who said fuck it IM OUT you're stretched to thin and have nothing left for you.... Don't do that shit. There is no glory in being so independent, so capable that you allow no one in. Do yourself a favor sis, get some friends, find a therapist and share with whoever will listen. *****NEWSFLASH***** We are human and we have range of emotions. I'm glad I did! It allowed me to move past those spaces and move forward to dope ass healing so that now I do really like these little shits and the absence of their father is no longer MY loss it is purely his. One day he will pop his head out of his ass and realize HUH I fucked up and they will be there to hold him accountable or maybe he never comes around or calls again. Either way, good bad or indifferent they are mine (and eventually my dope ass husband's which they will call new daddy lol) and even on the bad days I no longer feel trapped or stuck. I simply feel human... I engage my village, I tell them I need space and we figure it the fuck out... I'm leaving all the bullshit of 2017 behind I'm not trying to be a martyr for 2018 I'm just going to be the best me I can and that's honest, open and present! #telltourownstory #whenthevowbreaks #thestorieswewilltellourgrandkids #parenting #motherhood #seperation

Sitting here sorting out my youngest kids spoils from Christmas so their play space can be utilized well and I was thinking of how quiet it is... Erin gone with Grandma, Kieran playing with his train and Jaide still off with her dad... And it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! Jaide is with her DAD... 21 years later he's still pushing through showing up and doing his version of what's best. He took her house shopping for her tiny home and coffee and chats and trying to connect with what is now his adult daughter. BACKSTORY.... Joey and I were friends as kids and he used to sit around all melancholy about the woes of life and how terrible the world was (we were like 15 and 16) and why would people even want to bring kids into such a damned world (yes, I have always loved wounded men) and he would share how difficult life was ( which was impossible for me to see for him as he had his own car, so did his parents, they were married, they vacationed and both parents were employed... FAR cry from my life and most kids in the Bronx, but so be it) and he always knew he never wanted to bring kids into this world even then... Alas we were teenagers sooooooo shit happens lol. He always tried though,we stayed together then broke up because again, teenagers... But he was there he remained present as did his family... Remember he never wanted kids. Time passed and we got back together and we got married we moved he was always looking for ab job to provide and we both realized that two teens in college with a child was not going to work... He begrudgingly joined the Air Force to make a better life for us. ( I will remain ever thankful to him for making this sacrifice by the way he was 20 when married 21 when he joined. These were grown man moves. He took us out of the Bronx and have us the world) Life happens and we divorced then 9 months later remarried ( yes I've always been a whirlwind and dramatic in love... I'm an Aries I like passion which can be confused with conflict) Life happens again and years later we seperate and divorce we remained good friends until he remarried and then that space and distance that often happens simply happened. We weren't friends but we weren't enemies simply parents. Through out ALL of that he never made an excuse he cut a check EVERY month on the 1st ( since I'm putting all my shit out there it was for $650 we agreed he should keep a roof over his kids head and that was rent when we moved to ga 12 years ago and he honored his word, by then he was 28 years old) As time does it went on and Jaide and Joey had their own problems (not my story to tell) but I can say even THEN the young boy that NEVER wanted children was now a man of his THIRTIES still trying if she wouldn't speak he reached out to me. Never fucked up or disrespecting me or my choices simply letting us know his presence was there when wanted or required... Oh and STILL cut a check to make sure her needs were met. He is now 40 and as I see the young boy whom I loved so much and was proud to carry his name I'm thrilled that he is still here still doing the dad thing STILL being steady and ever present at her pace, but he stayed COMMITED even when he and I were no longer he didn't shrink off and dissapear he was available. This is a quality that doesn't exist in many (this is not a sub post to Marc this is a DIRECT observation of his lack of character and commitment not to me, but his children if you see this or your lady does DO BETTER🙄🙄🙄 because at this point a 19 year old boy beat you out... Anywho) Back to my story... I can not say enough to the men out there that make choices or simply shit happens. To those of you who honor your commitments, who stay true no matter the situation or circumstances. We see you, we value you, you are appreciated even when you feel that you aren't you are held in the highest regard. Thank you. ****Note to self call Joeys mom and dad and tell them thank you for raising a man who stands by his choices. I hope I in turn raise such a man.**** So CHEERS to good men.... May we know them, may we love them,and may we raise them. #thestorieswewilltellourgrandkids #sageadvice #tellyourownstory #whenthevowbreaks