#there is just absolutely no joy in eating anymore like atleast. nit eating satisfies the ana part in my brain but eating just mentally kills
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I’m scared because I think I’ve accepted dying to my eating disorder yesterday
#all the motivation to eat is just totally gone. I hate it so much it’s just like a crashing wave of depression whenever I have to#there is just absolutely no joy in eating anymore like atleast. nit eating satisfies the ana part in my brain but eating just mentally kills#me#I hate how weak it makes me not physically but like mentally#whenever I’m not eating like even if it’s during a fast I can muster up energy and motivation like I’ve been able to exercise and learn a#new language again but omg whenever I eat I just can’t do anything sometimes I can but mentally I’m sc@ed and just wanted to crawl on the#floor shrivel up and die#also I’ve been having weird dreams lately I’m scared they’re like prophetic or something but I don’t know where they’re coming from#oh and most of all I hate how sad my family is because of this… if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t even of had the courage to recover so#them seeing me fail is so painful#but why does actually being healthy and having a healthy relationship with food seem scarier….#like the ed is just over and over and over again telling me PHONY PHONY WORTHLESS WASTE POSER YOURE YSING THEM#ugh#I think today accepting death might get worse#I just got reminded of my best friend and how losing contact to her is so awful#there’s like a tear in my heart now I was never able to notice but ever since we stopped talking it’s always been there and it hurts so much#and I’m just realizing 5hat now….#like there’s no one on earth that could fill the importance she had in my life. she helped me through so much and I’ve just now realized how#much I’ve taken her for granted#it’s like another form of death in a way because how could I ever go back to having that relationship or in the same way#it’s like losing my older sister.. :(#I’d love to send her something like even just a letter thanking her because idk if she just wants to like#never talk to me again but#I think it would be easier to come to terms with everything that way…#it’s weird not knowing if you’ll die at 17 or 70 and you just have to like figure out while living every moment accepting it#somet8mes accepting the fact I will die brings a lot of comfort it usually does anyways#also it’s ed brain twlking but I’ve never felt like I’ve suffered enough to deserve my treatment#like I’ve never had the guts to just fully malnourish myself enough to have this hospitalization scare floating over be valid#especially after I’ve gained weight#and everything’s just crashing down reminding me of when I was 14 and had my first deep ed era
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