Some pretty sad news :( I won't be able to do Art Fight this year. I did everything in my power to try to make it work, but it seems my physical limitations have caught up with me.

Chapter 3

Some Notes: There is some minor friend on friend violence. And some drug mention/use. Also, I don’t like weed terminology, its boring, so i’m just going to use cheesy slang for weed cause why not

It's the day before classes, the last 4 days have been a bit rough for you. Your pangs of guilt when seeing Karkat is starting to fade but it's been a bit difficult for you to communicate with him. Not because he avoids you or anything, quite the opposite really. He's pretty much always in your business at this point. You are no longer aloud to be alone at all now which you feel is putting strain on everyone. Especially yourself. You were ok when you had at least one option to be alone, well, to be fair that last day wasn't great but you had actually just found your husktop (how did you lose it?) so at least you wouldn't have been completely bored. So far though you just feel tossed around. You don't really think anyone really wants to sit around and grub-sit you all day. You feel stifled and unable to do anything you want to do. I mean, you don't feel like you can ask someone to go with you anywhere, it has been more like you have to follow them around. But worse than that you kind of feel… unwanted. 

It's not an unfamiliar feeling. In fact you've felt that way most of your life. I mean your own lusus never really wanted to stick around. The eventual use of sopor later on helped you to not feel that way. Well, the feeling was still there but buried deep in your high as hell mind. Then of course you met your friends, but they never really wanted to hang out with you. Tavros talked to you a lot but it wasn't within his means to visit you. Karkat you felt kind of just tolerated you before you were moirails. Occasionally others would talk to you but not much. You guess you never really processed those feelings when you were doped up and now they are all up crowding your thinkpan. You wish you could get high. 

At the moment you are trailing after Nepeta and Equius. They are talking animatedly, or well Nepeta is at least. You kind of feel, in the way. You guess you are just lucky they aren't trying to incorporate you into the conversation out of guilt. You would much prefer to not interact with anyone. You wonder if you slowed down enough would they notice you were gone? They aren't looking at you so you slow your walking keeping an eye on them to see if they may look back. Once they are quite a ways ahead of you you quickly make your way behind a building so you will no longer be in line of sight. You wonder how long it will take them to see you are not with them. Best to not think about it. You're on a mission: find a way to get high so you can stop thinking about things for at least a little while. You don't intend to pick up sopor again by any means but you know there are human alternatives. You want to get high, just for today. You hope that when classes start tomorrow everything will be at least a little better. You head off towards the city, if you stay on campus, the chances of you being caught are likely.

It takes you a few hours but eventually you find a seedy motherfuckin area and actually you kind of stumble into a drug deal. It could have been bad but you waved around some money and the dealer was happy to sell to you. He offered you many different types of human drugs but you heard from Dave that weed is pretty ok and there is not a high chance of addiction. So you buy some, you probably spent more for it than it was worth but you don't really care, you pay a little extra so the dealer can show you what you are even supposed to do with it. He says the fastest way to use it is to smoke it so you figure that is what you will do. You bought enough to make a few blunts as you find out they are called, you don't really give two fucks about the terminology. You shove the packet of weed in your pocket and head on your way. 

You find a nice secluded spot just off campus and you figure its as good a place as any, so you sit on the ground back against a building and you try to figure out how a human lighter works. Alternian ones are so much easier, this design is stupid. You finally manage after a few tries, great. You roll up a motherfucker and light it. Shit makes you cough but honestly whatever it takes at this point. It takes a little bit of time but you start feeling a bit high. Not as good as sopor but it is enough to chill you out. It makes it easier not to think about things. You sigh and look up at the sky. It's about 7 pm you think. You turned off your phone so you couldn't check for sure. You decide to sit there for a while longer, even though the high makes you feel better you don't want to go back to your room. You know Karkat will just rip into you so you'd rather put it off a bit for now. You decide to light up another one. Might as well. 

The sky has long since gone dark and you still haven't gone back yet. The darkness is no obstacle of course. Trolls are technically nocturnal creatures after all. You sigh, you should probably turn your phone on at least. When it turns on you see you have 25 missed calls, all from Karkat, and a slew of messages from various friends. You don't care to look at them so you just delete them all. You look at the time while you are at it, huh, 11pm. You didn't think you had been sitting here that long. You decide you ought to get up. Your legs feel all stiff from sitting so long. You decide to slowly start walking towards the side of campus your dorm building is at. You still want to procrastinate on getting there but you know you ought to at least sleep a little before classes the next morning. You imagine Karkat might rant and rave at you for at least a couple hours. 

Your halfway to the dorm building just minding your motherfuckin business when you hear something running towards you. Your high is still going so your a bit slow to react but it is Karkat and he looks pissed. You wonder why he is not slowing down as he approaches you but you soon find out. He tackles you to the ground driving the breath out of you and then he punches you in the face. Hard. 

"YOU FUCKING VILE HORSESHIT PRICK!" He punches you again. You are too surprised by this reaction to do anything. 

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU JUST UP AND DISSAPEAR LIKE THAT!" He goes to punch you again but you grab his hand stopping him. He is practically snarling at you and every ounce of high feeling you had is gone. 

"FUCKING SAY SOMETHING YOU ASSHOLE, GIVE SOME EXCUSE I DARE YOU!" 

You kind of snap. "I DON'T NEED TO GIVE YOU A MOTHERFUCKIN REASON. I'M NOT SOME FUCKING WRIGGLER THAT NEEDS LOOKING AFTER KARKAT." You shove him off of you. You are angrier than you ever recall being. Karkat looks alarmed but you don't care. He tries to say something. 

"SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP AND JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE GODDAMNED SECOND." You lower your voice a bit, rage is still boiling through your veins so it is more of a dangerous quiet. "I can't fucking stand to be smothered Karkat. You think I like being tossed around, unwanted, and treated like I'm broken motherfucker?" 

He stutters, the fear on his face makes you smile. "I-I---n-no Gamzee. I-I'm sorry--" 

"Of course you are. OF COURSE YOU ARE. I can make you real and truly sorry my brother." 

A timid voice comes from behind you. 

"G-Gamzee?"

You turn with an almost guttural growl at whoever interrupted you. It's Tavros. Part of you is screaming inside to not hurt him but the you that isn't you takes a step towards Tavros with a sadistic smile on your face. Karkat grabs your arm and pulls you towards him. Next thing you know your hands are around his neck squeezing. Despite that he looks calm, he wraps his arms around you and pulls you close. You loosen your grip on his throat and he shooshes you. The anger is starting to slip away leaving you feeling empty. Your hands fall to your sides, you feel like a limp doll, probably look like one too. Then filling up the emptiness you feel is horror. You were going to hurt them. You almost came close to killing your moirail. 

"O-oh god, Karkat i-im sorry, i'm so sorry. I wouldn't have--" you trail off, you were lying, you would have killed him. You would have snapped his neck like a twig. You think he knows too.

You don't understand how he could stand there, comforting someone who was just seconds away from killing him. You feel sick to your stomach. Karkat is rubbing your back and murmuring to you that everything is ok. 

"But I hurt you..?" You can't comprehend that being anywhere close to ok.

"Well, to be fair I did punch you, twice.” He examines your face. “Hold still.” 

He wipes your face with his sleeve, you didn’t realize your nose was bleeding. He makes a face at the blood on his sleeve. You look down at his neck, you can still see the imprint of your hands. He notices you looking. 

“It’s fine Gamzee, It could have been worse.”

You suppose so? But still doesn’t erase the fact that you still did that and had the intention to do worse. You sigh, you do that alot these days you realize. After a moment you say in a quiet voice, not one of violence but uncertainty. 

“I… don’t see how you can still up and have any feelings for this motherfucker after all this.”

“Well, you might be a violent clown dumbass but you’re MY violent clown dumbass. Does that answer your question?”

You chuckle softly. 

 Another voice chimes in. It’s Tavros, you kind of forgot he was still there.

“Y-yeah, well, uh, I’m not in a quadrant or anything with you” He blushes profusely. “ but I still uh, care about you, uh, i-inafriendway.” He says that last bit very quickly. 

Karkat rolls his eyes, you’re not sure why though. Actually most of Tavros’s actions and words kind of confused you. You’re getting some mixed motherfuckin signals. It’s too confusing to think about right now you decide. After looking at Karkat you stifle a laugh at a thought you just had.

“You know, if no one else knew better they would probably think we were kismesis.” You gesture to your face and Karkat’s neck.

“Oh god, I can’t even imagine that. Me hate dating you? No fucking way.”

You laugh for real now, you 100% agree with that statement. Karkat grabs your hand and starts tugging you towards the dorm building. 

“Lets get you cleaned up then we are going to have a pile session, well, probably just on the lounge couch.”

Damn, you were totally ready to whip out the horn pile. After a big exaggerated sigh you smile. It's been a while since you two had a real feelings jam. 

Later in your guy's room you and Karkat are all sorts of comfy in the couch. You are lying with your head on Karkat’s lap and he is running his hands through your hair. You have already went back over and talked about the whole feeling suffocated thing, this time with less yelling and violence. Karkat was thinking of a way to compromise, you get to do whatever but he still wants a way to know if you are unsafe or feel like you might have a seizure. 

“Ok, how about, a text warning? Like not a word or anything that may be too long. Maybe an emoji?” 

You yawn, It’s really fucking late. “Yeah sure Kar, that sounds fine by me.” You think for a moment. “I guess we should pick one then?”

Karkat starts flipping through the emojis on his phone occasionally showing you one that he thinks would be appropriate. You just want a funny one though.

“Look, Its gotta be something you wouldn’t normally use ok? These fucking stupid ones look like something you would just randomly send me.”

You suppose he is right. He searches intently before pointing at one. It is a red x lookin thing. 

“This one, remember that you dumbass.”

“Sure Karbro, now, not to be too much of a buzzkill on this whole pale sesh but can we go to sleep now?” You yawn again.

“Oh god Gamzee, please never call this that ever again. An idiot like you knows what it sounds like.” He is making a face. “Now maybe get the fuck off of me then we can sleep.” 

You sigh, then you grab him and pull him down to lie on the couch next to you. He grumbles. 

“What the fuck are you doing Gamzee.”

“Oh no bro, I am too motherfucking tired to get the fuck up so I guess you are just stuck here.” You smile and pull him in close, no escape for this motherfucker. 

Karkat mutters some very interesting curses but ends up settling down giving in. You love it when you win. 

Some inspiration songs for this Chapter:

The Reason cover by Chase Holfelder https://youtu.be/jsLHVKGIMik

Fit for Rivals Damage https://youtu.be/MsWzZ4SnhSk 

Twenty one pilots Car Radio https://youtu.be/KAmBKyfoJCY

And Every Breath You Take cover by Chase Holfelder https://youtu.be/KAmBKyfoJCY

^ this one more like Karkat in this chapter

Damian rushed into Birches Books, his preferred bookstore, busy with patrons trying to find books and workers dealing with impatient customers. Usually, the bookstore would be borderline empty whenever Damian entered. But now, it was filled with teenagers trying to get their attention to the nearest employee.

“But today’s different,” Damian thought as he ran through the crowd. “Today is an momentous occasion, something that’ll be remembered in history. A breakthrough for future literary minds and artists!”

Damian stopped. He was stuck in the back of a crowd, amongst other teens. In the front of the crowd were two employees at the bookstore’s help desk. A girl texting on her phone, and a boy clearly disheveled and failing to keep the crowd of teens at bay.

“We’ve been waiting since 7 am and it’s already 10!”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll-”

“Look, are there any books left?!”

“If you’ll just let me finis-”

“This is ridiculous! Like, let me talk to your manager!”

The male employee continued to get interrupted by their questions, as the female coworker climbed up on to the help desk. She took a deep breath and shouted:

“QUUUIIIEEET!”

The crowd became silent, waiting for the employee to speak.

“That’s better.” The girl walked along the help desk, preparing her speech.

“Now, I know you’re all here for Jaden Smith’s first book ever, ‘Posey’, a book of poems that ‘revolutionizes’ poetry as a medium.” The female employee took a moment to roll her eyes and give a look of disgust.

“Bad news is since this is a small bookstore, we were not given enough copies to properly supply customers. As it stands, there is currently one copy of ‘Posey’ in the store.”

The crowd of teens quickly fell into disbelief, talking amongst each other about this new development. Damian was shocked.

“HOWEVER,” the girl yelled over the rowdy crowd. “ Good news for you teens with poor taste, is that the book is up for grabs and can be found on one of the shelves.”

Damian attempted to shout over the crowd. “Well, where is it?”

The girl climbed down the desk, sat back on her seat, and pulled out her phone. “That’s for you to find out.”

The crowd stood there, stunned, until a teenage girl rushed to one of aisles pulling her friend along with her. “What are you standing there for!? Come on, we have to get that book!”

The crowd quickly descended into chaos: shoving, tripping and pushing each other to get a better advantage.

Damian ran along the other teens, trying to not get pushed in the discourse.

“I HAVE to get that book! No one else understands Jaden’s use of poetic devices and forms better than I do!”

He went through the first aisle. Then the second. Third. No book.

Damian stopped running.

“This isn’t working out,” Damian muttered. “I got to figure out a way to find that book first…”

Damian furrowed his brow, thinking for a second. Slowly, a smile grew on his face.

“That’s it!” Damian went intangible, his body quickly turning invisible to the other teens. He sped off, rapidly searching the shelves.

“Come on...Come on…”

Until he stopped. There it was. The last aisle, right in the middle of the the bookshelf.

Damian quickly switched to his human form and ran to the shelf.

“Finally, after searching practically hours for you, I’ve found you. I’m the only person who could treat you with the respect and honor that you deserve. You’re sent straight from the angels themselves.”

Damian grabbed the book. An aura of joy and excitement flooded through him.

“And there’s not a single soul here to stop me!”

He pulled. To Damian’s surprise, someone pulled back. But it was less of a pull and more like a slight tug.

“Um...Excuse me?”

Damian looked at the only obstacle preventing him from his prized possession. A red haired girl who was a couple of inches shorter than him. She had a look of surprise with a hint of timidness, complemented by her wide light blue eyes and slightly opened mouth. Her face and body were covered with freckles. She wore a white and yellow baby tee with a bee on it, blue baggy jeans, and white sneakers. But what was most noticeable to Damian was the bright green, gaudy ring that she wore on her left hand.

Damian’s look of surprise quickly turned to confusion. “How did I not see her? It’s like she appeared out of nowhere.”  

“Hello? Um, I’d hate to bother you, since you seem in be deep thought. But, I was just wondering if you could possibly give me the book? I mean, I got to it first, so it’s only fair.”

The girl spoke in a quiet hushed voice, almost like a whisper.

“Well, while I’d hate to be hostile to someone as delicate as you, I actually got the novel first.” Damian said, pulling the book closer to him.

“I’m sorry, but when I got to the aisle there was no one else here. I obviously could be wrong and your point of view is plausible, but I touched the book first.” The red haired girl said, tugging the book towards her.

“Haha, I’m afraid you’re wrong,” Damian said, smiling while pulling the book away from the girl. “I’m completely sure that I-”

“And I’m sure that even though you think you appreciate the book better than I do, I would argue that Jaden breaking the typical standards of poetry gives more freedom to his true thoughts and gives other writers the push to not conform to the strict standards with poetry, creating a book with more substance than the average poetry book. Very avant-garde.”

“You..You…” Damian stuttered for a moment, caught off guard from the girl’s response.

The girl yanked the book out of Damian’s hand and held it close to her chest.

“Thank you so much for reconsidering. Hope you get the book eventually.” The girl started to walk off.

“You understand Jaden’s writing perfectly?”

The girl stopped and turned around. “Why, of course I do. I follow him on Twitter. Even if some of his writing is long and a bit difficult to decipher, I’ve always liked and understood it. It’s just so…”

“Vivid?”

The girl gave Damian a sweet, affirming smile. “Exactly!”

Damian walked up to the girl in disbelief and excitement. “That’s what I think! It’s nice to see someone who can appreciate the experimental things in life.”

“Oh, well, I’m flattered honestly.” The girl had a bashful look on her face and started to look at the ground. “I’ve never had that said to me before…most people don’t really notice me.”

“Why not?”

The girl kept her head towards the ground and tapped the book rhythmically. “I’m just...so quiet and really shy. It’s hard for me to talk to new people; whenever I try to, I just psych myself out and don’t say anything. The only reason I talked to you was because I wanted the book.”

“ Is that why you’re all by yourself?”

The girl’s hands tightened around the book. “...Yeah. Do...you have anyone with you?”

Damian crossed his arms and shifted in place, his brows slightly furrowed and his eyes directed to the ground. “No. Everyone that I asked either didn’t want to go or was busy. Damian focused his attention back onto the girl in front of him. “I think you’re doing a pretty good job.”

“At what?”

“You’ve been talking to me this entire time when you could’ve of just left, and I’ve enjoyed talking to you.”

The girl raised her head. Damian smiled. The girl’s face slowly turned red. “Oh it’s-it’s nothing really! You just seem to be a good g-guy who understands poetry.”

The blush on the girl’s face vanished and her eyes widened. “Oh my goodness, we’ve been talking this whole time and I don’t even know your name!”

Damian raised his hand out. “I’m Damian Fenton."

The girl shifted the book to her right hand and shook Damian’s hand. “Desdemona, but most people call me Desi.”

“That’s a beautiful name.” Damian looked at the green ring Desi was wearing. “And that’s a stunning ring.”

“Oh this? It’s just a ring my father gave me. It means alot to me, I never take it off.” Desi brought the book up to her and gave it a thoughtful look.

“You know what? Let’s make a deal.” Desi pointed the book to Damian. “I’ll let you keep the book-”

“Really?!” Damian shouted, already starting to grab the book.

“IF,” Desi stated, “ We read it together. You’ll invite me over somewhere, say a library or park, and we can talk and analyze the book! It’ll be nice.”

Damian looked at the book briefly, then back at Desi. “Sooo, like a date?”

“Pretty much, yeah” Desi said.

Damian grabbed the book, smiled, and put his hand over Desi’s. “Then it’s a date! Meet me in the Vanguard League, at the front desk around 1 o’clock. You know where that is right?”

“Of course!” Desi let go of the book and grinned at Damian. “See you then!”

“It was nice meeting you.” Damian gave her a quick wave back and walked away.

Desi kept her eyes on Damian as he left the aisle. She sighed.

“Oh...this is going to be too easy." The sweetness in her voice vanished. A cold yet silvery voice remained. Her eyes darted towards the green, now glowing, ring.

Desi quickly surveyed the aisle, making sure there was no one around. She then brought the ring up to her face.

“Hello! Topia darling, it’s your mother! Have you started on your...project yet?” The voice came from the green jewel on the ring. Inside was the image of an older, professional looking red-haired woman wearing black sunglasses. Smiling next to her was a blond haired, light green skinned woman.

“Yes mother; I have successfully gained the trust of Damian Fenton while also finding a entrance to Vanguard League.”

The professional woman grinned in delight. “Simply excellent my dear! You know what you need to do. I have complete faith in you, just be careful and make sure that you don’t get caught.”

“Don’t fret. With this ring, his ghost senses are completely blocked. And if I keep acting like this, it’ll be easy to twist and make him miserable.”

The blond haired woman spoke. ”And make sure Danny doesn’t see the ring, or else he’ll-”

“Yes, Dora, I’ll make sure not to encounter Damian’s parent or anyone else that would know about you two.” Topia said in a rushed, annoyed tone.

“Now Topia, be nice. You should be grateful that Dora gave you her ring in the first place. Apologize.”

“Spectra, really, that’s not necessary.”

Topia sighed. And she’s the reason why I’m doing this, and I’m sure not grateful for that. “Yes mother. I apologize, Dora.”

“That’s better.” Spectra’s tone turned frigid. “Remember Topia: stay on task, don’t let anyone get in your way, and...

“And what?”

Spectra gave Topia a small smile. “I love you.”

Topia smiled back. “I love you too, mother.”

The green jewel stopped glowing. Topia’s hand fell to her side. She sighed again, closing her eyes. “Well, then…”

Her eyes shot open, flashing bright emerald green. Her mouth formed into a smirk.

“On with the show.”

This took a while! So, this is part one of Topia's story to introduce her, and the first story that I've made for Generation: Rising Stars! Hopefully more will be coming out and I will try to get part two up as soon as possible.

(I would of just linked it but Tumblr is being stupid sooo you get all of it here!)

Damian Fenton belongs to @princesscallyie  

Topia Spectra belongs to me

So Here We Grow

You go through life hoping things get better. I hope they get better. I may be freshly twenty three years old, but I’ve lived many lives. More than I care to admit. I’m a committed community leader, an older brother to three brothers and three sisters who’s striving to be a better person everyday. I’ve faced my fair share of obstacles, but haven’t we all?  I was raped as a kid for about five years while I had a severe and rare physical condition that caused me so much pain in my legs I could walk as it was, I never told anybody in my family until I was twenty two years old. Not to mention the unstable father figures I’ve had in and out of my life. Severe hormonal in-balances, gender dysphoria, I was kidnapped a summer from my mom once during a bad divorce she had with a man that wasn’t even my father. He was a very abusive man, he beat me stupid, punched me in the face, and spanked me til I couldn’t sit in my desk in elementary school. Something in my mind told me to block it all out and grief about it later, you’re going to get out of this alive. Alot of my upbringing was a lie. He and my mother told me he was my real father, but he never really treated me like his own. I didn’t find out until I was fourteen, heh I weighed almost 250 pounds when was fourteen, and was definitely much shorter back then. I weigh about 180 now.... that’s not terrible for 6′1 I guess. I hated myself for being over weight, society and peers didn’t help my self image at all either. I was so confused and fucked up in the head. Shitty upbringing, my life wasn’t always necessarily horrible but looking back on it, it wasn’t great. I encountered my first consensual gay experience, which wasn’t sexual by far just cutsey and romantic, I told two people at my school about it and was outed the next day. Everyone knew, hah just what I needed. I clung on to my past and all the shitty things people did to me, and it lead me to be suicidal off and on for three years. I wondered if it ever got better. I threw alot of opportunities I could have for my life out the window clinging to this horrid negative self destructive energy. It eventually lead to drug abuse too, minor at first. Unfortunately it lead onto heavier paths, and I’m not talking about dropping some LSD bro. I’m talking about methamphetamines and heroine. Where did this get me? No where, but transending to needle abuse. That was a tabu line for me to cross. I evemtually crossed it though, I was lied too by so many people in my life and I felt so consumed in the thought of escaping my mind... It was the fastest form of what I thought was relief. I was obviously hanging out with the wrong people. In and out of jail and probation for petty crimes because I didn’t give a fuck. Being alive hurt so much sometimes. I was held at gun point once in my own car by someone I didn’t know just for associating with someone I knew. I suppose this is just me rambling. You know I used to always run your guild missions, in the worst condition. I remember once from all the crazy and bad shit I used to do to self medicate the negative energies I had in myself I couldn’t get my nose to stop profusely bleeding so I had a full roll of toilet paper just sitting there by my desk, falling from cloud nine. Feeling so alone. There’d be times I wondered when I’d feel a normal feeling, nothing ever felt normal even before the drugs. I hated myself more than anybody, and there were a few people I truly hated. I was manically depressed, codependent, hypersexual... I never fit in. I felt like a total freak of nature. Abusive relationships felt pretty normal to me too.  I really felt like I was past the point of no return. There were so many times where I wanted to die. I cried myself to sleep sometimes. I wondered if I was worth loving, or even capable of love/being loved. Once I managed to clean my life up a little but I decided to try something out of my comfort zone. Childcare, really helped me think of the bigger picture in the long run. As of recently I’ve come to the conclusion that my past doesn’t define me. Those ghosts will always haunt me. I lost sleep over it tonight. I lost sleep over it last night. I’ll probably lose sleep over it tomorrow night. Honestly though, one day I woke up and thought about how thankful I am to have experienced some of the things I have... I’ve met some beautiful people and learned some beautiful things. Our Sanctuary has even helped me grow as a person. I made my circle really small, I made it count. I’m trying to make self care not a stranger to me. A five year cycle broken, I hope I haven't completely fucked up my long term health. Regardless if I have or not I’m on a journey to figure out who I truly am, it won’t be perfect but with the right attitude it can be enjoyable. I have alot of love to give and I deserve alot of love. I’m constantly improving my self love, and even my love for others. I still can’t take a compliment to save my life... maybe one day I'll figure out how to human... This is just the tip of the ice berg and there’s obviously so much more I could put in here about my life but I’m sure y’all don’t want to here about it. Just know... that I’m a  seed and I  will fucking grow. My leadership team agreed and collaborated on the rules that we created once I took over this guild, and we occasionally amend them to try to maintain a healthy atmosphere for our guildies. Alot of us use this place to escape our everyday troubles. I know it’s not easy but there’s a few things you need to honor to help keep the foundation of this guild strong. Just know I’m out there trying to be a better person, and I love my guild. I love that you decided to join this community, please coexist with the rules we have established. We didn’t make these rules to be assholes, and they were agreed on by multiple people. It’s a big place, and respect is an important key in coexistence. So here I am, your happy go lucky guild leader. Cracking a a smile and popping a joke when things get painful. Just know, my intentions for this place are pure and benevolent. -Our Sanctuary’s Sword

Frankenstein

"Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous." (Shelley)

Saturday nights are always interesting at Sundance. There aren't alot of familiar faces, just a horde of senescent people twisting in circles. Its reading between the lines that really tears that heart off your sleeve. Yes, some may look foolish, and some had too many drinks... but you see it in their eyes. That look, again. It's piercing.

The older generation is interesting to watch. Generally as people age, they tend to care less and less about their appearance, and more about the things that truly matter in their lives. At first I assumed that all of these couples were married for years, then I remembered the divorce rate in America is astronomical, and chances are some of them were on their second or even fifth marriage. But life changes alot as you age.

I used to make fun of people that were thirty (and above). I remember thinking, "What a douche, I'm never gonna get old and lame like that!" when I was in middle school and high school. To be perfectly honest I never thought I would live this long, and didn't make alot of life goals early on. We used to party hard... really hard. I also was obsessed with speed and anything with extra boost, and I've definitely had my share of near-death incidents. Now that I'm here I can feel kids doing it to me behind my back. Luckily people always tell me I look young for my age, so I haven't been alienated completely since returning to college. But it's amazing what those two (or one or three but... lets just keep shit simple) little digits can define you as a person. People say it doesn't matter and age is just a number. They're fucking liars, of course age matters. If it didn't matter, it wouldn't exist; it wouldn't be a defining characteristic.

As I continue to get older I learn more and more, watch more people and their interactions. I love watching how people treat each other when they know nobody is looking. It can be the sweetest, gentlest notion from the most abrasive looking person in the room or it can be spitfire from someone you expected to be extremely inverted. Going back to a previous post... I think too much. That's why I don't sleep.

[2:15 am]

"Nothing is more painful to the human mind, than, after the feelings have been worked up by a quick succession of events, the dead calmness of inaction and certainty which follows, and deprives the soul both of hope and fear. Justine died; she rested; and I was alive. The blood flowed freely in my veins, but a weight of despair and remorse pressed on my heart, which nothing could remove. Sleep fled from my eyes; I wandered like an evil spirit, for I had committed deeds of mischief beyond description horrible, and more, much more (I persuaded myself), was yet behind. Yet my heart overflowed with kindness, and the love of virtue. I had begun life with benevolent intentions, and thirsted for the moment when I should put them in practice, and make myself useful to my fellow-beings. Now all was blasted: instead of that serenity of conscience, which allowed me to look back upon the past with self satisfaction, and from thence to gather promise of new hopes, I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe" (Shelley)

I think in cycles, and it's best to let them run their course. There are many things that [most observant] people will learn about themselves throughout their life cycles that will help them get through many obstacles. I still cannot figure out why I fall so hard like I do, it's inexplicable. Or why I sit up late at night pondering absurdities while other people pump out the z's.

"This state of mind preyed upon my health, which had perhaps never entirely recovered from the first shock it had sustained. I shunned the face of man; all sound of joy or complacency was torture to me; solitude was my only consolation--deep, dark, deathlike solitude" (Shelley)

" I was often tempted, when all was at peace around me, and I the only unquiet thing that wandered restless in a scene so beautiful and heavenly if I except some bat, or the frogs, whose harsh and interrupted croaking was heard only when I approached the shore--often, I say, I was tempted to plunge into the silent lake, that the waters might close over me and my calamities for ever. But I was restrained, when I thought of the heroic and suffering Elizabeth, whom I tenderly loved, and whose existence was bound up in mine." -Chapter 9

"

And could not such words from her whom I fondly prized before every other gift of fortune, suffice to chase away the fiend that lurked in my heart? Even as she spoke I drew near to her, as if in terror; lest at that very moment the destroyer had been near to rob me of her.

Thus not the tenderness of friendship, nor the beauty of earth, nor of heaven, could redeem my soul from woe: the very accents of love were ineffectual. I was encompassed by a cloud which no beneficial influence could penetrate. The wounded deer dragging its fainting limbs to some untrodden brake, there to gaze upon the arrow which had pierced it, and to die--was but a type of me.

Sometimes I could cope with the sullen despair that overwhelmed me: but sometimes the whirlwind passions of my soul drove me to seek, by bodily exercise and by change of place, some relief from my intolerable sensations." Chapter 9

Shelley, Mary. "Frankenstein." n.d. literature.org. 29 April 2017. <http://literature.org/authors/shelley-mary/frankenstein/index.html>.