#then suddenly I’m talking them outta suicide every night and basically parenting them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tylerwritez · 3 years

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Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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motherfated · 4 years

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AREUM’S ROUTE / BAD ENDS / GOOD ENDS / AFTER ENDING STUFF. this is a super long post, please don’t feel like you gotta read it, i just wanted to write it.

HOW TO EARN AREUM HEARTS:

Complimenting Mei-Shin or just asking about her daughter’s wellbeing in general with usually get you to earn a heart along with telling areum you’ve eaten, show interest in her baking & show concern for the other members once everything starts to go downhill.

HOW TO GET AREUM’S HEART BREAKS:

if mc thinks of only herself openly in chatlogs, is rude towards any of the members, speaking negatively about areum’s comfort in alcohol, makes any rude/hurtful comment towards rika. ( areum had high respect towards rika! )

COMMON ROUTE.

areum is actually pretty skeptical of MC, she’s closed off and very quiet, only making small inputs of her opinion in the prologue. she’s distant to mc and doesn’t tend to stay long in chatrooms after the prologue. areum had high respect towards rika and what she did to get guests to the party so of course areum is going to be standoffish and distant when a stranger comes in. in the prologue, areum openly argues with v’s decision to let MC stay and do rika’s work. of course, not meaning to give any disrespect towards MC, but areum is a single mother to a one-year-old, she can’t help but be a nervous wreck when some stranger comes into the messenger, a place where she feels safest. she’s not happy and only sends a “Fine.” before leaving the chatroom at the end of it.

DAYS 5 & 6

after all the chatrooms and calls, you got areum’s route she most likely part of the DEEPER STORY part of mystic messenger! she’s slowly opening up more to you as the chatrooms go by and get to know you. she even apologizes for how cruel she must have been in the beginning, of course super embarrassed and timid in reaching out to MC. her hearts are a lot easier to earn, and almost like zen hands out hourglasses, areum hands out hearts depending on if you do what’s said above. she really is the sugar momma for hearts.

throughout these two days, areum is a lot friendlier after apologizing for her behavior when she first met MC, she even suggests for them to bake together after the party! asking MC what her favorite sweets are & makes promises to bake them for her! if MC calls areum, sometimes she’ll let MC talk with Mei-Shin over the phone! she really growing wowie. she even mentions how she’ll casually drink from time to time which is actually hinting towards her severe addiction to it.

DAY 7.

when the bodyguards are sent out / the bomb is revealed, areum is super active in the messenger, continuously asking if MC is okay, desperately wanting to help her out in some way but obviously, she can’t actually do anything. areum openly expresses her concerns and unease towards her own bodyguards, making comments on how she feels like a bigger target with a group of people in suits following her, escorting her to places. she even starts to speak about her parents and how they disowned her for getting pregnant before marriage, etc to mc (and basically the rfa bc the messenger.) and revealing her damaged relationship with them and her younger brother. and even though she’s angry with her parents, she desperately wants to fix things... but just doesn’t know how and is too stubborn to let go of the fact they shunned her and their only grandchild...

DAYS 8 & 9.

IN THE CHATROOM AT 3:40 AM areum, drunkenly, reveals the past about her abusive ex-boyfriend to MC and basically the whole RFA when in a chatroom with MC. speaking of the verbal/psychological, and sometimes physical abuse that happened, how she felt so useless then & when rika’s suicide happened, and now, with MC in danger, she feels like she’s back in that mindset. she can’t help but worry constantly about MC, drunkenly expressing how her heart can’t take the worry, that it aches too much to the point she can’t focus. Areum reveals that alcohol has helped her feel better in the means of forgetting the ‘ache’ in her chest every time she thinks of her ex-boyfriend, rika’s suicide, MC’s safety... Areum brings up that her baby daddy ran into her today, which was also the second reason why she decided to drink so heavily.

As the days continue, it’s clear Areum is sinking into a deeper depression and deeper into her addiction as she shows more typos, becomes more sentimental, or if she calls MC her words are slow & slurred. News gets out that Myung is filing for custody over mei-shin and Areum can’t stop the panic attacks she gets in the story branch that’s unlocked. It’s revealed how unstable areum's mental state is, holding her daughter and crying uncontrollably, slurring apologies for everything to ghostly ears.

BAD END # 1 BRANCH DAY 8.

if MC were to take Areum’s brother’s side with taking mei-shin and make playful comments instead of being serious and constructive in ways to support the woman and offer help, Areum suddenly goes radio silent, rarely logging into the messenger. The last time she does log in is at night when no one else is logged in, being completely wasted, she sends a picture of the stars from her rooftop, making comments on how they sparkle and how beautiful they are before she logs out of the chatroom. When Areum gets up to go inside, she loses her balance and ultimately slips, falling off the 10 story building, too drunk to catch herself and ultimately ending in her death.

BAD END # 2 BRANCH DAY 9 - 10.

Myung wins full custody of mei-shin and that’s the snapping point for areum. she’s in a dark place mentally and can’t find a way out, her depression becomes more apparent and obvious down this branch as she makes comments in chatrooms on how empty everything seems, she doesn’t post pictures of home-made sweets like she used to, you’ll see her name in the chatroom but she won’t speak unless spoken to, and even then her answers are short and cryptic. eventually, she doesn’t login anymore, doesn’t go to work, doesn’t eat. she’s empty, SHE’S LOST. on day 10, a mint eye believer comes knocking, areum on auto-pilot opens the door, she’s then told of paradise and how it’s she is so close to being welcomed into it, of course advertising their organization and with areum in her robotic / auto-pilot state, she starts to believe them. in depressive thoughts believing that possibly her daughter would be waiting in paradise for her.

after hours of not logging on, areum finally does, just to send ‘Please do not worry. I’m going to be fine now, everything will be fine now.’ before logging out with no further explanation, either destroying or leaving her phone in her apartment, areum disappears, allegedly joining mint eye. Her brother puts up Missing Person posters for Areum at local convent stores, park billboards, etc. But she has just vanished.

DAYS 10 - 11. GOOD ENDING.

If MC stays supportive but also realistic with areum in her battle with her addiction, she’ll start to see reason, and see that if she doesn’t clean up her act, her daughter will be taken away from her. she finally agrees to seek out help from local AA meetings, tossing out a bottle one day every other week, of course, baby steps. she will fall and struggle sometimes but with this new determination thanks to MC’s support and somewhat wake up call, she refuses to stay down. when it’s the day of the party, areum doesn’t log into the morning chatroom. but at the party, areum has mei-shin in her arms, standing at the mic, thanking all the guests for attending, speaking of the rfa and their purpose before she switches the topic to her own battle and how she wouldn’t be standing there to greet them all if it wasn’t for one special woman, lololol it’s mc surprise. areum makes a speech of how mc has changed her life for the better and how she wants to continue to work on herself for not only her daughter, but for MC and the rfa members, and ofc u know this girl is gonna look at MC and do a cheesy thing like “if you’re by my side, i know i can defeat my demons... i love you, mc... thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel for me...” BEFORE COMIN DOWN WITH HER DAUGHTER AND SMOOCHINTF OUTTA MC SDKKJSDKJFD

AFTER ENDING.

o ha ha. EVERYTHING’S GREAT BRUH. areum is 4 years sober now, she has her own bakery but also teaches young children how to play the violin, and u know areum is big gay for mc. even putting MC’s name on the bakery’s name along with hers, and mei-shin is happy with her two moms don't even @ me bro. areum’s hair is longer, usually tied back, and she’s so happy, you can see the fucking SUNSHINE RADIATING OFF OF HER BRO. she bakes mc cute cupcakes almost every weekend and is a lot more open with her past to all her friends now. she even fixed her broken relationship with her parents and younger brother, having them involved in her life & mei-shin’s. there’s family photos hanging up in the bakery and everyONE IS JUST SO HAPPYYYY.

#* DEPRESSION.#* ALCOHOLISM.#* MENTION OF SUICIDE.#* HEADCANONS. - let's add it to the list !#* ABOUT. - will you remember me when you close your eyes...?#d....do i have two about tags.... U H OH #I DOO NOOO DKJFDKHKJFD #i cannot tell you how many times i've thought about areum's route.#that's why there's so much jhsdhkdfkj #* DOMESTIC ABUSE MENTION.#* MANIPULATION MENTION.#* LONG ASS POST.

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