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la-vie-dure-blog · 7 years

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Pain

With: Éponine ( @thejondrettegirl ) and Grantaire Setting: Grantaire returns home, completely drunk, after the first day of the event. Éponine hearing him return and trying to talk some sense into him. Trigger Warnings: alcohol, depression, suicidal tendencies mention OOC Notes: This took a while to finish because life is busy and all but this is a para that is a follow up to the first day of the event which led to R being stupid and thinking alcohol is going to help to forget his problems. Or: The para in which our kids truly live up to the name of Les Misérables.

Grantaire stumbled into the apartment after he had been barely able to open up the door. He hoped that Gavroche was asleep already - as well as Eponine. Apollo came flouncing over to him and Grantaire just let himself flop to the ground, not bothering to try and walk further into the apartment than necessary. Half heartedly, he tossed the door shut and closed his eyes, leaning against Apollo and hoping that the world would stop turning any time soon. After Marie had cut him off alcohol, he had wandered to the next pub - the one where he knew that they only cared about the money they made and not about making sure their patrons didn't get too drunk.

That day had been an awful day. It had started out so well but then... Enjolras. Well. Merde. With a groan, he covered his face, his other hand curling into Apollo's fur. But at least those two pubs had been like an escape. Almost like a place where he belonged. He had seen the same familiar faces. Had drunk the same drinks. But now... now was different. "Apollo, I don't know what to do." He mumbled into his dog's fur.

Eponine had put Gavroche to bed, the concept of giving the tiny human a bedtime still surreal to her, but... it was what a responsible adult did. And she was trying, really trying for him. He deserved that at the very least. Closing her book, she was about to get to sleep herself when she heard commotion in the hallway, and sighed, knowing Grantaire was probably home. She'd seen a change in him the past while, flickers of something before he pretended everything was okay again, and... well, she was worried. Stepping out of her room and hearing his words to Apollo, she decided she had to be right. "I do not believe he can answer your questions, monsieur." She frowned, going into the kitchen for water, and bringing it over to him.

Grantaire sighed when he heard Eponine. "Who is to say that him and I do not have a secret language just between the two of us?" When he was handed the water, he took it, had a sip and set it down on the floor next to him, still not letting go of the dog. "I feel... he might be the, ah, only one right now who might understand me."

Eponine shrugged, sitting on the floor with him and pulling her knees up towards herself. "I believe he would've shared this secret language with Gavroche given the chance, and he has not told me of one." She smiled slightly, it lessening as he continued to talk. "Maybe that is because you will not let the rest of us have the chance to understand you."

Grantaire shook his head and sighed. "There's no need to understand me, 'Ponine. I'm but a mere distraction in the life of everyone's purposes. So what good would it be to try and understand someone like me? Give me wine, let me be and I shall be existing on the sidelines."

Eponine tried to resist rolling her eyes, but she couldn't, the longer he spoke. "That is ridiculous to say, R. You have a life as important as anyone else's. You are your own person. You exist for a reason, and it is not for others."

Grantaire let out a hollow laugh. "'Ponine, my whole reason for my existence is to ensure that others feel better about themselves. May it be through me bein' the constant drunk guy who does nothin' with his life but waste away, making others feel better about their accomplishments in life or may it be me making others laugh and forget about their worries. Who, I may ask, who would want to know more of the cynic who does nothing but disagree with everyone?" Eponine sighed, rubbing her face. "I want to know you. Gavroche wants to know you. And do not make me mention Enjolras as well. Do not make me slap sense into you."

Grantaire found the glass of water a lot more interesting than looking at Eponine. "Enjolras? Ha. All he cares about is beginning another fight for the changes he wants to see in the world. This is his mission, mon chéri. And you know what the worst part about this all is? I'd follow him again, into death. Because this is who I am: I do not exist for myself, I exist for others." A sigh escaped him. "And I don't understand why you even let me be close to Gavroche? I'm a bad influence, 'Ponine. I should not be around him. I should not be around you. I don't belong."

Eponine let out a frustrated huff, and without a second thought, slapped him. "You lecture me to not throw away my second chance, and yet you waste yours drinking yourself into a stupor and talk nonsense that is not true?!" She pushed the water towards his mouth again, wanting to sober him up faster, for him to realise that this was insane talking. "And bad influence? Monsieur, I am a thief! My sister, my father are worst, and you think you are the worst influence in Gavroche's life? Everything he wants to be, he has learnt from you and your friends. I would not have it any other way."

Grantaire had some of the water while throwing a challenging glance towards her. Honestly, he had expected the slap and he had not shown any outward reaction to it - though, not that he would admit it out loud, the slap did sober him up a little. His head was hurting and he shook his head slightly, hoping to clear it a little. "He is lucky to have you in his life, 'Ponine. To have at least one person in the family who loves him." He sighed, leaning his head more heavily against Apollo. Eponine considered apologising, but the slap seemed to have calmed Grantaire's racing thoughts, even if only a little. "You are his family, Grantaire." She sighed, a hand on top of his. "I went to the library to ask about starting him at school... I plan to put your name down as his father. I hope you don't mind. It was easier to explain. When you are at your best, you are the person I want him to grow up to be."

Grantaire just stared at Eponine. All of the thoughts in his mind had suddenly gone quiet. Him? Father? Of Gavroche? "Me?" He repeated, not believing what he heard. "'Ponine, there are better choices out there, I'm not one that anyone would want as their father. I... Are you sure? Have you thought this through? Because if you like me at my ... best... you have to know that my best isn't what I'm going to be most of the time. I won't change, 'Ponine. I'm set in my ways and... I want what's best for the little garçon and I doubt it is me." But, dieu, being put down as the father of Gavroche? Now that was something he had never thought he'd actually want.

Eponine had expected a reaction like that, but she nodded. "I admit, I do not like you around him when you are too drunk to make sense, and when you speak the way that you have been tonight... I do not want him to have reason to worry about you, or copy you in that way. But you are a good man. You are friendly, and loyal, and charming, and all the things that I would want him to be. And you care about him, Grantaire. I.... know that it is hard for you. His being here. I am not blind to that. But you have not let him know that, and that is what matters to me."

Grantaire couldn't fight the tears that were threatening to spill while Eponine was talking. This day had been a whirlwind of emotions. He had drowned the feelings of guilt over the almost-fight-definitely-argument with Enjolras in alcohol, trying to numb his emotions and now here he was, sobbing on the floor because... why? Because he was feeling? Guilty? Happy? Emotions were hard. And confusing. "I always try to be on my best around Gavroche. I do not want for him to see me like this." He hated, how much his voice was breaking - he was wondering if Eponine would even understand a word at this point. "Him being here, it's hard because... because I'm worried that it all will happen again." He paused for a short moment. "I still have terrors at night about what happened. And all I hear sometimes are the gun shots in my mind and all I see is the blood, all the blood of the amis. And sometimes I worry that this will all happen again and all I want for Gavroche is to be as far away from it as possible. I want him to be safe." Grantaire tried to reach for his water but his hand was shaking too much to actually get a hold on the glass. Hot tears were running down his cheeks.

Eponine squeezed in beside Grantaire, the other side of Apollo, a hand on top of his own. "We are a long long way from home, Grantaire. These things won't happen again, especially to Gavroche." She saw his hand shaking, and carefully put her own over his, helping him to grip the glass. Taking a deep breath, she stared at the floor. "... He remembers some things. Blood. My body. The bodies he looted... He does not remember the moment it happened, but he knows that it did." She swallowed, wondering if she needed her own drink. "But he also talked about you carrying him. And trying to make him leave. And giving him a drink for being such a clever boy. He remembers the happy with the sad, and he focuses on the happy. I... know that he is a child and so was able to find joy in the simplest of things, but... maybe you can take something from that." She wiped at his cheek, looking up at him. "This place is safe for him. For us. You will not let me waste that, so I will not let you, either."

Grantaire took a careful sip of the water with Eponine's help. When she continued talking, Grantaire tried to take deep, slow breaths and fought for the tears to stop. Shaking his head he tried to inch away from Eponine, not sure if he welcomed the closeness at the moment or not - half of him wanted for her to leave him alone while the other half did not want to be left alone. He let out a heavy sigh, pressing his eyes shut to try and avoid more tears from spilling. Letting his emotions burst out of him like this was not what he had planned. He had wanted to keep them all in. "If," he started, his voice cracking, "if you think I'm good for him then... yes, I... I would be honored to be put down as his father."

Eponine nodded, reaching up to stroke at his hair, an attempt to be comforting. "It is one of the few things I am certain of in this strange place, yes." She reassured. "You are good for him, and for others. I wish you were as good to yourself, though."

Grantaire let out a quiet huff while leaning slightly against her hand. "I have no reason to." He replied with a shrug. "But I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Eponine raised her eyebrows at him, shaking her head. "Do not make me be the optimist of the house, or we will all be doomed."

Grantaire glanced at her. "Please, are you saying I currently am the optimist in this house? Because then we certainly are doomed."

Eponine chuckled, ruffling his hair this time. "Perhaps we will have to put all our hope into Gavroche's optimism, instead. He has enough to power an entire city."

Grantaire let out a small, wet chuckle himself. "Possibly."

Eponine smiled faintly, patting his shoulder. "What caused this sadness today?"

Grantaire sighed and avoided to look at Eponine. "It is a combination of many things," he admitted. "Some having built up for a while and one more recent one." Knowing that Eponine would enquire about what the 'things' were, he took a deep breath before continuing. "I've been feeling like I have no real place to call my own," that was the first admission and it was spoken quietly, "I know, I know that I have a home here and I'm not saying that you make me feel foreign or anything of the sort, it is just... how I feel. I can not explain. And I know I can stay at Enjolras' place whenever I like but it also does not feel like it is mine, you know?" Another sigh escaped him. "And... I think we had an argument today. Enjolras and I. But I'm sure you don't want to hear about this."

Eponine bit her lip, looking down at her hands. "If it troubles you, me and Gavroche can see about moving. So that you may have your own space, monsieur." She offered, shrugging her shoulder. "What could the two of you possibly have to fight about?"

Grantaire shook his head. "Non, non, non. This is not what I want. I like you being here. Both of you. I know it may sound weird because you and I never really had the chance to get to know each other, back then." With a deep breath, he continued, "I have been looking into the possibility of acquiring a studio where I can do my art. I could use this space as my own, I suppose. Unless you want me out of here." He really needed another wine if he was to continue the conversation. "Politics."

Eponine shook her head. "We have had time to get to know each other, it is not weird. And no, I do not want you to go, that was not why I said it. But if a studio for art will give you freedom and give you your own place, I can only encourage it." Hearing the subject of the argument though, she rolled her eyes. "I wish I could be surprised by that."

Grantaire huffed at that. "If you're not surprised about that then why did you ask?" His question wasn't asked in a harsh but rather curious way. "And I am willing to try and see if an art studio would help," he admitted quietly. "It is something I have been thinking of for a while now but have not spoken to anyone about yet."

Eponine shrugged. "I was curious, that is all. Enjolras is still the same person he was before, if there is politics to involve himself in, he'll do it, even when people do not ask him to."

Grantaire sighed. "I know. We already said we were not going to change who we are but... I had foolishly hoped that maybe we would be able to get on one mutual ground in which we would not argue with each other. So far, it worked mainly because we avoided the topic."

Eponine laughed sadly. "Just because you do not talk about something, doesn't make it go away. You think because I don't speak of Monsieur Pontmercy, I do not feel the same about him?" She paused, biting her lip. "Would he... do the same as before for a cause? Is that the problem?"

Grantaire sighed and really wished for another wine. "He would," he replied. "And I would follow him again." An empty chuckle escaped him. "I won't let him do this alone. Not if I can be there to try and be a buffer between him and another bullet."

Eponine rubbed her face, blinking. "Then it is a suicide wish of both of you." She sighed, pulling back slightly. "If you back a lost cause alone, of course you will lose. All you both do is set yourselves up for failure."

Grantaire shrugged and sighed. "I know this," he replied, "Though I am sure that if Enjolras were to try something again, that he would go about it differently this time but... I also do not want to hope that the end result would be any different because that would mean I would just set myself up for disappointment." He stayed silent for a short moment. "And don't get me wrong, I do not wish to die. But I also do not want to live in a world that does not have him in it."

Eponine shrugged as well. "You would have needed to if he were not here. The man I died for is not around, after all. It is not easy, but I believe you would be able to bear it."

Grantaire sent her a small smile that did not reach his eyes. "You are a lot stronger than you believe, 'Ponine. Myself though? I am not. Not in that regard."

Eponine laughed humorlessly. "I am not strong, Grantaire, I have just done things and seen things worse than you can imagine."

Grantaire shook his head softly. "It is no competition," he replied, not wanting to delve into what he had seen in his lifetime, not wanting to get into the reasons of why he became the cynic he was. "And accept this compliment for what it is. You can say what you want but I believe you are strong. It is a good thing. I'm proud of you for handling everything the way you are."

Eponine shook her head, rolling her eyes. "My whole life has been about survival. That is all this is. It isn't brave, or strong. You do not need to be proud of that, or worry about me in any way. Focus on you and Enjolras."

Grantaire rolled his eyes at that. "I feel like we have been through this before. I will worry about you. Just like I worry about Gavroche. Or Enjolras. You not wanting me to is not going to change that."

Eponine motioned to the water that she had been forcing him to drink. "Then I am allowed to return the favour of worrying about you. Just don't make it public knowledge that I care about too much."

Grantaire chuckled softly at that, taking another sip of the water to appease her. "Promise."

#eponine #para #alcohol tw #suicidal tendencies tw #depression tw

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