sam's initial reaction to the bunker is actually heart-wrenching. do you guys ever think about how fucking terrifying it is that sam eventually just accepts that he's going to suffer forever? that he'll never have a home? that pain is what he DESERVES, his destiny, what he's fated for. the loneliness of sam's character genuinely HURTS me, especially when they show us over and over again that he craves humanity so badly. him running away to stanford and his short stint with amelia are just two examples but i could go on for hours about how much sam perpetually craves connection. every single time the opportunity is presented he jumps at the chance because even if it has ended in disaster every other time he so desperately wants something permanent, something that's his, to feel like he belongs anywhere.

the sole reason that sam was able to gain control over lucifer in swan song and jump into the cage was because of that little soldier man figurine in the impala. that entire episode revolved around the impala and how it was sam and dean's home their entire life. those little snippets of them carving their initials into her skeleton and how dean made sure to keep all those little personal effects every time he rebuilt her... it just tears me apart knowing what sam goes through later on. he places such deep, deep importance on the small stretches of life that he gets to experience in between the pain and loss that is the rest of it.

this is why when sam told dean that he couldn't call the bunker home because every home he's had has literally GONE UP IN FLAMES, it absolutely destroyed me, because there was so much FEAR and desperation in that scene. that 'normalcy' that sam wanted when he was younger wasn't actually about the specifics of civilian life. it was about having a home, and the peace of mind that he could unconditionally trust that the people he loved wouldn't leave or die.

but the bunker is literally warded against fucking everything. in s9 the bunker is presented as this impenetrable fortress, full of decades of lore and weaponry and information, a perfect dream hideout for a hunter. it's the first real chance at safety that sam has ever had but he absolutely cannot trust it. he tried with jess and with amelia but he's just so tired, so scared to care because its inevitable that this will also go up in flames. after everything he's lost? he can't even consider it. he's had this desperate need his entire life but he's so wary and fearful that he can't let himself hope even when the stars align perfectly.

it's terribly tragic. the silent, burning loneliness in sam's character is so well done and it talks to how much sam's been through that he's genuinely accepted that he will never get the luxury of safety or trusting anybody but himself. it really highlights how twisted up he is despite people insisting that he is the 'normal' brother.