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(eyes only 4 u)

EDIT: HI IM IRRATIONALLY ANGRY AT THIS DRAWING HAVE SOME COLOUR BLORBSIFICATIONS

Never let anyone steal your joy.

Some time ago I visited a spiritual market that was being held here in Sydney. There were crystal shops, herbalists, healers, tarot readers, witches, everything. I love these kinds of markets. But I had an awful experience there. I had purchased some essential oils, crystals, etc, and I had some remaining money. There were a lot of spiritual healers there that day, and so I decided it would be nice to spend the remaining money on a healing. I am a healer myself, but it’s always nice to have someone do the work for you while you focus on the experience. So I thought I’d give it a go that day. I mean, we are all a work in progress right? Even healers have things they need to go through. I was feeling quite emotional that day, but not necessarily in a bad way. I was just feeling my emotions very intensely, so I was in a mood that I would describe as “soft”. This means, I was feeling loving towards others, and I wanted to show people loving energy. But, when I feel this way, I’m not really fiesty. My demeanor and energy become “loving” rather than protective. So I was quite “soft” hearted in my words and behavior that day. I guess it was the energy of the markets making me feel happy. So I saw a Reiki healing stand, and I decided to walk over. As soon as I approached I was spoken to by the owner of the company who were doing healings at their stand. What followed was an awfully abusive exchange that I never expected from a healer. Him: “Hey have you heard of Reiki before?” Me: “Yes, I am a Reiki Master myself.” Him: “There is no such thing as a Reiki “Master”. Our school is about Reiki “Teachers”, and we work with all seven levels of Reiki energy. So you must be a fraud. Who did you train from? Did you train online? Did you go to a class?” Me: *Shocked* “Huh? What? I studied from-” Him: “Ohhhh dear. You see, we’re actual healers here. Don’t go around pretending to be one of us. So, would you like to have some Reiki?” *Motions for me to sit down on a chair* Me: Um...No I’m fine. And then as I walked away I heard him and his colleagues laughing. “Pfft, another Reiki “Master”. *All of them laugh together* I ended up bursting into tears. Had it been any other day and my energy was less floaty and loving I would have told him off.  But I wasn’t in that mental state. I was feeling joyful and open to others, and he took that all away from me in less than a minute.

This is not the first time my passion and joy has been robbed from me. Past abuse has stolen years from my life, years when I could have been productive and flourishing as a person. Years spent sleeping, hiding at home, crying, cutting myself, drinking myself sick. Years spent staring at computer and television screens, numbing myself with drug abuse, blocking out people who loved me. While other kids at school were achieving well and working towards establishing themselves after graduating, I was on my bedroom floor every night, crying my eyes out because I was brain washed by someone’s abusive behavior into believing that I was worthless. So when this man told me I was not a real Reiki master, the study I had done and the effort I put into learning Reiki healing practices and all the passion I had felt over the years towards helping others through their pain became something that made me feel ashamed. I fell back into that pattern of me trying to do something sincerely, and then having the negativity of others make me feel stupid and worthless for doing that.

This is something that seems to go along with abuse. The victim is made to feel stupid, awful and worthless for doing something- even the most simple of things. Like not washing something the way the abusive person wants them to, or having certain interests, or doing something too loudly, etc. And that person is "trained" by the abuser to feel shame for doing things the abuser does not approve of. This shameful feeling has stolen so much from me, things that gave me joy in life. Its stolen my creative expression, its stolen singing from me, its stolen my motivation to go anywhere with my life, its stolen basically everything that gave me happiness and a sense of value as a person. When I was a child, I would sing, dance, paint, and run around exploring and playing games. But I was also a child who was abused verbally and physically, and as an adult I was physically abused and raped multiple times.  And I couldn't do anything any more. I stopped singing, I lost my ability to draw and paint, I couldn't achieve at school because I had no motivation to succeed, I sometimes couldn't even eat or talk for days at a time. So when this awful man brought up those same feelings of shame, I lost my love of healing others. Healing had become a foundation for me. I had healed so much of my abuse (not all, but I'm a work in progress as well), and I had felt deeply that it was my life purpose to help bring others into the love and light of the healing energies. But now, someone was trying to rob me of this too.

So what can we do when someone tries to steal our love of life? What have I learned all these years? What was the purpose of all that I had gone through? What was the purpose of all my crying, sleeping, numbing, self harming, if not to learn something? Luckily, my father (not the abusive parent, he is a really loving person) taught me to think for myself. And learning this ability has pulled me through so much, because it's allowed me to step back and question what is happening. So I stepped back, and I allowed myself to question this energy. Should I give in now? Should I go back to all that suffering? Should I allow myself to open to this negativity and have it steal what has made me happy for the first time in years? Why? Why should I? I'm so tired of just giving in and letting myself be thrashed about and destroyed by negative energy and pain. I'm so tired of it. And then I realised, I don't need to. I know that for some people this might be very obvious. But after years of having your spirit stomped all over, it's a healing revelation to realise that I have complete control over what I allow to phase me. At that point I realised I need to fight for what makes me happy, and so I began my fight. I opened up my Reiki notes, and I reread them. I bought myself a wacom tablet and began drawing digital art. I began singing my lungs out in the shower to all my favorite music. I started cooking healthy vegetarian food for myself. I began talking to myself kindly and politely, gently even. I started sleeping and waking up at regular hours. Basically, I began being a force of love for myself, when other people had just been a force of evil and pain. And this is how I fought back against that horrid person who tried to steal my joy. Now? I’m writing a course on Reiki and working towards a business as a healer.

I encourage you, if you are still reading this long winded story, to never give up the fight. It will take time, and it might mean that you have to process a lot of painful and difficult things. But don't give up. There is a lot of awful shit in this world, and a lot of people who are hurting. As a result of this hurt they are feeling, they try to suck away other people's happiness. They believe doing this will temporarily relieve them of what it is that hurts. But don't let them. Your happiness is your own, and they cannot take it from you. And you shouldn't let them- they have their own path to finding happiness and they need to learn to find it for themselves and not through hurting you. But keep fighting to protect your joy and passions that give your life spice. You deserve them, and you deserve to love yourself and your life. Never let anyone take that from you. You are wonderful and deserve happiness. Let your warrior spirit rise up, take control and protect you! Do not give up, even in the face of evil and pain. You are worth it!