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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

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PAL I GOT SOMETHING! We all know Kai is a stubborn ass. But think, when he gets all comfortable with S/o he would be sappy as shit. Only when she cant hear. So could you maybe write something similiar? Kai surely has trust and abandonment issues, so he would be carresing her face, murmuring how his angel is the only light of his life, he thinks she is asleep, and with the cherry on top, he brings her close and murmurs shakily at the verge of tears "just don't abandon me in the dark"

*ugly sobbing while doing 👌*

"Is late. Stop making such a fuss about it, you look like a brat." He said nonchalantly but with a bit of irritation as you stuck your tongue out, eager to finally pass that damn cursed phase of your game.

Mimic betted money on this shit, and you aren't losing 80 bucks again!

"Not today satan." You muttered, not noticing how Chisaki's eyes twitched a bit before he let out a sigh and yanked the control out of your hands.

"No!" You whined, making grabby hands at the already overhauled console "I was almost there!" You got up only to bury your face in his chest, suppressing the urge of smirking at how his body tensed a bit "You're so mean..." you groaned as he rolled his eyes, patting your head once or twice as a signal for you to get off from him.

"Sure. Mean is the right word to use against a yakusa boss."

You put your arms behind your back as you walked chest to him and back to your shared bedroom, smilling up at him.

"I would rather call adorable, handsome, love of my-"

"Hush." He hissed while opening the door as he gave you a glare, ears tinted in pink "You went insane or something to call me such things?"

"Hey, I am your partner. If this is what insane means than yep, totally insane here." He scoffed while rolling his eyes at your smirking self.

"You're ridiculous."

"And~" you almost singed while making your way to him "You love me for it!"

"Atture is the best word to use on this to be honest." He arched one eyebrow at you as you fake pouted, huffing a bit but smilling at noticing the hints that he was smirking.

His cheek bones and that look of his, gave it away as always.

"Fine..." you sighed and plopped down on the bed "Ready to call it night then?"

"I've been calling for the past half hour to go to bed you brat." He growled while you shrug.

"Bets with Mimic are always something to be serious about." He almost face palmed at that.

"You idiot needs to stop bargaining with him. Immediately."

He got into bed and you wished him a good night while he only grunted in return, turning off the lamp as he closed his eyes, which you soon did the same, snuggling your self on the crook of his neck despites his grumpy attitude.

Sleep soon came and you were out like a light...

Gentle yet rough fingers danced around the skin of your face... you could feel it.

Yet you didn't opened your eyes, at first thinking it was some of those ultra realistic dreams until you felt a strand of your hair falling, the same hand carresing your jaw and cheek coming to put back on place as a familiar quiet scoff echoed in the room.

"Even sleeping you can still be the incarnation of beauty itself... this is madness." The voice of your boyfriend was so close to your face, his warm breath even bringing you chills from the difference of the temparute of the father cold room.

The voice belonged to Kai, yet it was... different. It was quiet, not filled with power. It was sweet and gentle, not with the usual arrogance or stoicism of his... it was too... soft.

You felt his hand cupping your cheek as his thumb brushed gently over your skin. A rare and quiet chuckle escaped from him and you almost cursed out loud for missing such a sign.

"Heavens (Y/n)... what have you done?" He said as his voice became quieter and quieter, almost as if he was too afraid of wakening you up.

But no. Your Kai Chisaki? Afraid of something?

"Such a despicable creature like me, you made into someone almost too soft to handle with the mafia..." his thumb stopped moving around your cheek to only brush on the slightest on the bottom of your lip "And also make me, out of all people, feel like... are deserved, and believe that a feeling like you gave me... exist."

You wanted to lift your eyebrows and ask what was wrong to him as soon as you notice a little break on his talking, but you remained still, in favor of not ruining his moment... that he clearly did not express it when you were "awake".

"Neither parental love I had. Being throw out on the streets as soon as the incident happened. I was lucky enough to be found by the old man..." by the tone of his voice you could tell that his eyebrows were furrowed, only by remembering that unfaithful day... "And I don't even need to remind the many things you went through only because of me... I took so long to accept such gentle and warm touch, that my stubborn ass simply refuse to have it when you have those beautiful eyes open."

Your heartbeat seemed to stop at that little confession, his hand coming to your hair to untangle some of the knots as his free one replaced the other in your face. And you had to adjust you almost giggled at hearing him swearing.

"... I am pathetic. No matter how much I consider you pure and clean from this world... I still tense at your touch, worry about cleaning and germs. Yet, not only I came to... crave it, but you are the most patient out of both of us angel..." you felt the point of his nose touching your forehead slightly "You deserves so much... yet I am still too selfish to even share the brightness that you bring with the others... this brightness pushed my dark thoughts away... always had, and most probably always will."

You suddenly felt yourself being pulled into his hard and toned chest, his head making home in the crook of your neck as he shakily sighed, clenching on your back.

"Wrap me in your sacred embrace, bathe me with your unconditional love, but don't abandon me in the darkness alone ..." your eyes burned at listening to those words spilling from your boyfriend's mouth, and the urge to cry only intensified when he sniffed and and a certain dampness started to appear on your neck.

The worst? You couldn't move. Since he was opening himself like that because, to him, you were asleep.

He chuckled bitterly as his lips moved in your neck.

"I don't think I could take it that such a divine person like you... left me. Even though you-" you couldn't take it anymore, if he said one more word about this, yourself was going to break down.

How much Chisaki had been boltingdup his emotions? And for how long..?

You pretended to stir in your sleep, stretching your arm to hug him. You got worried at how he quickly silent himself and didn't dare to move a muscle. His body once fully relaxed, now tensed at the threat of you wakening up.

A bit later, some minutes or so, he got just inches away from you, cupping your face in his hand as your faces were not even inches apart.

You could feel his stare at you, and now you could only pray that he still thought you were still sleeping.

He scoffed and you felt his lips in the middle of your forehead then in your lips, soon bringing you his chest again as he combed his fingers in your hair.

"I love you (Y/n)... more than you will ever know." In his voice you could feel his smile on it, making you shut your eyes tight at preventing any tears escaped and fell on him.

He loved you. In his own way he loved you, you knew it already... but hearing him staying so ocassionaly and... peacefully like that, it made your heart burst in joy.

You nuzzled even more to him with a satisfied smile, coming back to dream land at the feeling of your boyfriend's skilled hands combing your hair as the other carresed up and down your back...

Bonus!

You grumbled at feeling the rays of the sun hitting directly at your face. You reached out for the warm chest you so craved for only to whine at only feeling cold sheets beneath your hand.

"Next time listen to me and go sleep on the right schedule." At hearing his voice you immediately smiled, remembering the events of last night as you sitted up on the bed to look at him.

"I swear." He sighed as he put on his gloves and looked at you with those nonchantly golden eyes he had "I am everthing but a babysitter. So I would suggest that you take your sleeping schedules more seriously for once."

He arche done eyebrow as he looked at you, smilling as your gaze never broke from him.

"Are you sick?" He asked nonchantly, but the worry was evident in his eyes, but soon dissapeared when you shook your head, still with that same face "What's that smile for then may I ask?"

You giggled and he only hardened his gaze getting close to you to prove that this was not a joke.

But he got caught out of guard when you cupped his cheeks, caged his legs to bring him closer with your own as your lips made contact with his; since he, luckily for you, hadn't put his mask yet.

His internal gasp was so evident that you wanted to giggle, but you still kissed him passionately, making sure to carres both the back of his head and jaw line as he grunted, finally easing a bit.

Ou parted away to catch your breath as you smiles at the wide eyed man with his cheeks painted in pink. Parting your legs, you rolled to the other side eof the bed, giggling as you make your way to the bathroom.

"C.. Care to explain this bold action and out of no where without a single explanation?" He asked in almost disbelief as you shrugged, smilling sweetly at him.

"Just felt like it. You deserve all the love in the world, Kai Chisaki. And I am making sure I the one bringing it the most possible." His eyes widened a bit before he scoffed and averted his eyes.

"Just get in there already." He said nonchantly ,gaze to the window and back toward you "We dont have all day."

You nodded and opened the door, only peaking at it to see him touching his lips with his gloved hand befor ehe dropped it with a sigh, a very very quiet chuckle as he shook his head.

You finally saw it, the one scene you've been craving since last night. Chisaki's smile.

And you were the one who did that. And surely you couldn't feel more special than you were feeling like now.

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #overhaul headcanons #fanfic overhaul #overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #kai chisaki x reader #chisaki kai x reader #chisaki kai #kai chisaki #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha #my writing #zuffer writings

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mysoulbalmmh · 3 years

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Hard things break, soft things bend. What would you share with the world if you could be truly vulnerable?

This is probably my favorite affirmative quote because it has a deeper meaning for me.

TL;DR - I spent so much of my life trying to be ultra tough so I wouldn't get hurt. It broke me. Now that I'm safe and healing, I'm relying on vulnerability to connect with the world and seeing it as a strength instead of a weakness.

Long read: TW death, tough emotional themes.

You see, I spent a lot of my life being tough.

My first memory of this need to be hard and emotionless was watching my father die.

While everyone around me sobbed, saying their last goodbye, I didn't shed a tear.

Not because I didn't care. I was the saddest I've ever been in my life.

But as I looked around, I realized someone had to be tough in order for us to survive. And somehow, at age 6, I figured that person had to be me.

From then on, I pushed my feelings down. I eschewed childish things (I can vividly remember telling my young self "no more Happy Meals" because they were not for big kids).

I stubbornly did the hardest things possible and wouldn't ask for help. I got in physical fights to prove how tough I was and landed in detention or the principals office weekly (sometimes daily).

As an adult, I took on jobs, sports, and challenges that pushed me FAR beyond what I was realistically capable of.

I stayed in relationships I shouldn't have because I could "handle" anything.

If you haven't guessed it yet, all of this ridiculousness led to frequent meltdowns in private (and sometimes public).

Because inside, I'm as soft as a puddle of puppies. Deeply emotional, highly sensitive, and incredibly empathic. Stuffing all that down was a recipe for disaster.

In my late 20's the emotional levy finally broke and all of my bravado got washed away.

You'd think it'd feel better to not have to carry the burden of strength. You'd be wrong.

I was no longer the strong, brave, determined girl who could take on anything. Sure I was getting better, but I'd lost my entire identity in the process.

I felt weak, vulnerable, exposed, imperfect, unsafe. And I was angry about it. How was I going to deal with this unkind world without the armor of toughness I'd always worn?

The first few years after my hospitalization were some of the hardest in my life. I lashed out at those who loved me. I was convinced that now that they could see the real me, I'd be abandoned.

I stubbornly tried to use the same crappy coping mechanisms as I had before (overworking, controlling, pushing myself in sports).

But they just, didn't work anymore. I kept losing jobs because my mental health wouldn't let me keep up. My husband was at his wits end with me over my controlling behavior. My body just flat out said NO when it came to sports.

I was totally, utterly broken. And that was my lowest point.

Something had to change. And since I couldn't rely on toughness anymore, I had to figure something else out.

I gradually found that being vulnerable and radically honest with others and myself worked astonishingly well. While it felt natural, affirming, and sustainable, being vulnerable was difficult.

It was hard to tell the truth after a lifetime of lies about myself. I struggled with it daily.

At the beginning vulnerability seemed a lot like weakness. How was I supposed to humble myself in front of people when they could hurt me?

How would people view me, the one with all the answers, when I didn't know something. I knew they would attack.

I was terrified. I screwed it up. A lot. But I kept trying anyway.

And some people did hurt me (that's where I learned about boundaries). But for the most part, when I revealed my true heart, even previously "difficult" people seemed to be softened. They started to listen. I started to learn from them as well.

These days, I'm still a work in progress. But I don't walk with the unsustainable weight of toughness so much. And life is vastly better for it.

Things I can do now that I lead with vulnerability

-I can ask for help (most of the time)

-I can have wonderful, affirming talks with people I would have avoided before.

-I can have difficult conversations and not be afraid

-I can tell people how I feel and create understanding instead of resentment or anger

And so much more.

Hard things break, soft things bend.

So finally, why does this quote mean so much to me? The first time I came across it was two days after I got out of the hospital. I was raw, tired, scared, angry, and emotional - all the things I didn't want to feel.

I tried so hard to push the feelings away like I had before.

But when I saw this quote just by chance, something clicked. It all made so much sense. It made me think of bad storms I'd seen in Florida, my home. Trees that bowed in the wind survived to live another day. Trees that were incapable of bending were torn out by the roots.

And it hit me. I was being torn out by my roots. My behavior was keeping me stuck. It was time to try something new.

That was the day my life truly changed for good.

How about you? How do the powers of toughness and vulnerability play into your mental health journey? Who are you without the mask you've created?

Much Love,

Image description: A big lined crystal patch sits against a magenta background. It has a circle around it and the words "hard things break, soft things bend" and "vulnerability is strength" underneath it. Two hands holding moons appear on either side.

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jamiegibsonhere · 7 years

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Boom Boom Boom Boom - A personal review of Liverpool’s 16/17 Season

I’d warn anyone who suffers from heart palpations or anxiety not to follow Liverpool Football Club.

Even as the reds were comfortably 3 nil up against a deflated Middlesbrough on the final day of the season, The tightening in my chest could not end until that final whistle. I fully expected one of the seats in the away team’s dugout to morph into Dwight Gayle and come on to turn it into a draw.

But maybe that’s just who we are. We don’t do things comfortably, but would we have it any other way? Sometimes would be nice for sure.

As the dust settles on Klopp’s first full season in charge at Liverpool, thoughts inevitably turn to reviewing the season.

Would we ultimately liked to have done better given how well we started this season? Probably. Did we make the same mistakes time and time again against teams we should have skipped past with ease? Sure. Did anyone realistically expect us to make the progress to top 4 this season? I’m not so sure I did.

The Premier League has changed in the last five years. United and Arsenal are a shell of their former selves. Spurs can actually maintain a title challenge. City and Chelsea are well, City and Chelsea.

We’ve only finished in the top 4 twice now this decade and the former was thanks to a once in a lifetime season with Suarez hitting the absolute peak of his career and Sturridge proving his doubters wrong until his ill-timed injury later that year that has derailed him. I’m still convinced Roy Hodgson played him on purpose, the locust curse on our club he was.

It may enrage the older fans around during the glory years to say, but the Liverpool I’ve known since I was a kid have always been serial overachievers.

A squad that regularly fielded Glen Johnson (Chelsea doesn’t count) nearly won the league. Djimi Traore has a Champions League winners medal.

With the squad Klopp inherited what I’ve seen this season I can’t complain about. He’s turned Lallana into a key member of our team. Lovren looks comfortable for the first time in his Liverpool career.

Even a much derided Mignolet has just had the best performances of his time here to the point where you question whether he should be given another season to prove himself.

No one was happy with the lack of movement in the January window but apart from Klavan and perhaps unfairly Grujic all of Klopp’s signings have made a big improvement to our team.

There was every chance Mane could have been another addition to our rosters of disappointing forwards we paid over the odds for, but he’s been a revelation since that first day at the Emirates and with no mid-season trip to Africa next year just a full, injury-free (touches giant oak tree) season with him will do wonders.

How did we get Matip on a free transfer? His calm demeanour in defence has been exactly what we need an if Klopp could play four Matip’s in defence I’m sure he would. And I almost forgot about Gini!

Of course everyone Liverpool fan shouldn’t want to settle for top 4, but put it this way. It’s not a done deal yet but we’re on the brink of only our 2nd time in the Champions League this decade. We didn’t lose against any of the top six this season. Even without the January slump, it’s very unlikely we would have caught up with Chelsea.

Spurs lost the least amount of games, had the best defence and goal difference this season and still finished six points behind the champions.

If Klopp is seen as a long term project then to break back into the top four with an eye on the future is a good sign for me.

It’ll be another Summer of reading transfer rumours non stop in the hopes we’ll bag the right players to add the depth to the squad we need but there’s reason to feel like believers again to paraphrase the boss.

Looking forward to it all over again for the club’s 125th year. With that said, personal squad ratings time!

GOALIES:

Simon Mignolet – 8/10

One of the most surprising factors of this season has been Mignolet looking like a goalkeeper that can command his box, grab the ball from out of the air and generally not being the main cause for concern everytime he’s been on the teamsheet.

With his Liverpool career seemingly wrapping up with the introduction of Karius, he’s instead had his best season since joining and made many a vital save or clearance, perhaps in defiance of his impending exit. There have been plenty of comedy moments in our box this season but for once the majority of those haven’t been his fault.

That’s what you want from him. More of the hardman Mignolet, less of the feeble one. With that said…

Loris Karius – 4/10

The second best keeper in the Bundesliga last season, you can’t shy away from the fact that Karius has been anything but a disappointment since joining. Whether it was a matter of confidence or settling into English football, he’s never looked like the highly rated keeper we thought we were getting and it’s telling that after being dropped he never made it back into regular contention.

For a keeper he’s still relatively young and he’s the only person in our team that hasn’t benefited from Mignolet’s upturn in form which have kept any appearances to that beautiful hair of his getting windswept on the bench, but every top keeper in the world shouldn’t need an adjustment period. Don’t think he’ll leave this Summer but another poor season and it’ll be straight back to the Bundesliga.

Alex Manninger

DEFENDERS:

Nathaniel Clyne – 6/10

I’m struggling to write anything more than a few sentences about him. In a team like ours he just fades into the background. He’s a clearly talented defender who can play well, but in the system Klopp likes to play, he has the pace but not the quick decision making or chance creation to be that deadly wingback who’s just as likely to score a goal as prevent one. Safe for now, but needs to prove himself more next season.

Dejan Lovren – 7/10

One of the players in our squad who has benefited the most from Klopp’s introduction, Lovren is far from the player who wasted that chance to equalise against Besiktas two seasons ago. With Matip he looks more comfortable than he has with anyone of his other partnerships and there are the grounds with Mignolet for the three to build a solid defensive unit. That said there will always be doubts about whether he’s good enough for a championship winning defence and I would expect a fully fit Gomez and another defensive signing in the Summer to provide competition.

Joel Matip – 8/10

Again, a free transfer, how? Matip’s been rock solid at the back since his move from Schalke last Summer and like Mane was a big miss during his injuries. Could possibly score a couple more of the occasional headers but otherwise no complaints for the man, especially when he said he didn’t give a fuck about Costa winding up before we trounced Chelsea last September.

James Milner – 7/10

Given that James Milner is still definitely not a left back, he’s done a pretty decent job in the position and keeping his place in the team at the grand old age of 31. Always a hard worker, he’s exactly the sort of squad player you want. His pace is starting to slow though and with competition for midfield places packed it’s difficult to see how he would make any transition from his current role. Like Lucas, he’s an elder statesman in a young squad that you’d like kept around to be a role model and occasional sub, but whether he’d want that is a different question.

Ragnar Klavan – 4/10

Much as Ragnar The Red is a great pet name for him, Klavan never felt anything more than a like for like replacement for Skrtel. We didn’t pay that much for him so if he moves on in the Summer, no big loss.

Alberto Moreno – 2/10

WHY DIDN’T HE PASS? Never was good enough, still isn’t now, offload to a mid table La Liga side as soon as.

Trent Alexander Arnold – 7/10

If there’s one huge gaping hole in our squad it’s the lack of home grown talent and by home grown I mean of the scouse variety. He’s deservedly broke through this season. He wants to be Liverpool captain one day. He can play in a number of positions. Forget the fact he wasn’t even born during the 98’ World Cup, the future right now looks bright for the youngster and looks set to be a part of Klopp’s plans for next season.

Joe Gomez – NA

Didn’t have enough of a role in this season to say one way or another whether he was any good. Quickly reinjured himself after a long time on the sidelines. Hope he can kick on next season, but he could just as easily end up at someone like Bournemouth ala Brad Smith and Jordan Ibe.

MIDFIELD

Gini Wijnaldum – 8/10

The only ultra Dutch sounding player who’s name I don’t have to think that hard about spelling. Had all the signs of being another waste of money when he came from Newcastle but he’s been the hybrid car engine of our squad this season, quietly doing his job for most of it but occasionally hitting the woodwork for fun or scoring worldies like he did against Boro. Plus who can’t like the guy with a grin like that.

Philippe Coutinho – 9/10

It’s no coincidence that every rumour of a move to Barcelona is now taken with extreme worry. He’s 25 next month and he’s about to hit the absolute peak of his career. I feel like the magician tag is a bit forced but overall he makes the most contribution to this team and despite his slow return after injury he’s been vital in the run in for that top 4 position. Second best grin after Gini’s.

Jordan Henderson – 8/10

Hard to have any complaints about the man. He’s done his part, scored his once a season worldie along the way and seems to have settled more into his role as captain. The recurrent heel problems are a worry but he seems committed to the team and will no doubt work hard now to get back in the squad for the Champions League qualifier.

Marko Grujic – NA

Like Gomez, maligned by injury early on and then never broke back into the squad apart from a few appearances off the bench. Only 21 though so has another shot next season.

Adam Lallana – 8/10

Was on his way last season but has stepped up to be a vital cog in our squad. Runs his heart out for the team, creates chances, scores a couple along the way. Bish bash bosh.

Lucas Leiva – 8/10

Probably only this high for purely sentimental reasons but for all his flaws Lucas deserves to be a part of our club for as long as he wants. Never suited the role in defence but stepped up when injuries meant we needed him. Always someone I’d want as an option in defence and I have to wonder if he did end up leaving after 10 years it would only because Klopp couldn’t find any role for him at all next season.

Emre Can – 7/10

At times frustrating and at times brilliant, it’s hard to know where you stand with the guy. Has his fair share of moments but has shown signs in the run in that he is maturing and making his mark in the squad. Can’t fault him at all for that goal against Watford either. Beautiful.

Kevin Stewart – NA

Another one who has spent a lot of time in the U23s but not had as many opportunities as he might have liked. At his age he’s relatively old compared to the rest of the Academy crew so very easy to see him moving to the likes of Brighton or elsewhere in the Summer.

Ovie Ejaria – NA

Sheyi Ojo – NA

Harry Wilson – NA

FORWARDS

Roberto Firmino – 8/10

Lovely player who always dangerous and has the right eye for a goal, just needs to step up his consistency now. At 25 I would expect a big season for him next year where he should be aiming for at least 20 goals.

Daniel Sturridge – 6/10

Oh Daniel. What to do about you. Just as everyone seems to have given up on him he comes back and puts in great performances against West Ham and Middlesbrough. I want to believe there’s still a way he can fit into Klopp’s plans but with no confidence in him staying fit, it’s hard to see how. But would a player of his ability want to step down to the likes of West Ham or Stoke? Unlikely. He’s on the plane to Sydney this week but difficult to say whether that is a clue for the future or not.

Sadio Mane – 10/10

By far our best attacking player this season. Did exactly what you wanted him to. Scored a load of goals. Looked boss every game he played. Owned his price tag. If Klopp signs more players with the potential of Mane the future’s very bright. Just a shame that injury brought his season to a premature end, otherwise we might not have needed to play in a qualifying round to get back into the Champions League.

Divock Origi – 6/10

A man of two halves (of the season). He was lacklustre in the second half, but it’s easy to forget just how hot he was early on. That curved goal against Bournemouth.

He’s now had two seasons with us and with new talent likely to come in this summer, it’s on the Belgian to prove he has it in him to become one of Europe’s top forwards.

Danny Ings – NA

Don’t think Klopp would get rid of him out of pity as injuries have meant his career has hit a brick wall for two years now, but where does he fit in the team’s future plans?

Rhian Brewster – NA

Ben Woodburn – 6/10

Not quite as good yet as he is in FIFA, but like TAA Woodburn is a promising talent and hopefully can keep his forward momentum going with more appearances and goals next season. Plus he stopped the world’s most boring judas Michael Owen being our youngest ever goalscorer so it’s all good.

EVERYONE ELSE:

Jurgen Klopp – Boom!/10

Just be quicker to make subs next season mate.

Klopp Jr – Klopp Jr/10

Steven Gerrard -Future Manager/10

Jamie Carragher- Maybe don’t commentate on our games in future/10

Arsenal – europaleaguegif/10

The Ev – Koeman spitting his dummy out/10

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