i'm gonna start being mean. if you have enough understanding for katniss's depression then how are you calling katniss's mom selfish for her response to her husband's death. you do understand what catatonic depression is right? you understand that she didn't purposely abandon her children?

so here’s my long overdue review of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes that no one asked for. I finally read the book, well listened to the audiobook, coz i dunno how to read a book anymore. 

This book was everything I expected it to be and also not. Definitely the first two parts was easily predictable, we all kinda assumed that was the general arc that story would take. So while I found the first two parts enjoyable, learning more about the history of the games and learn more of Capitol, i wasn’t really hooked until the third part.

But let me say this first tho, Ms. Suzanne Collins, you never disappoint. Also I have questions and I hate that she wasn’t able to go on a book tour (I haven’t read her Q&A tho). 

I still have the same qualms as i did about the prequel as i did before I read it. While I get the early records of the games were shoddy, and the 10th Hunger Games was erased but for one copy hidden in some vault, that doesn’t matter, what matter is Snow knows.

So If Snow had that relationship with the Games and Lucy, the first victor of d12, a lot of the decisions he made in the trilogy made no sense.

I get it, he wanted to forget, it’s decades until Katniss came along. While there might be parallels, Lucy and Katniss are very different characters. But all I can think off is the reason he didn’t kill Katniss sooner, was it really because she would end up a martyr or rallying cry for the district, which happened anyways, or he was practically disassociating the moment Katniss was reaped?

Were Katniss and Peeta unintentionally triggers to so many of his hidden traumas that’s why he made so many misteps? Katniss singing the meadow song to Rue, triggered. Peeta mentioning the Valley song, triggered. Mockingjay, triggered. The Hanging Tree, triggered. 

Was he so busy crying in the shower that he wasn’t able to stop Seneca Crane from making bad calls during the 74th Games? Two winners from the same district, would Snow really okay’d that himself?

And also, I’ve always thought that anything he did towards Peeta was coz he wanted to hurt Katniss. But no, he wanted to hurt that boy. Peeta reminds him of his young self, at least the young person everyone saw him as, charming, smart, and loyal. And in a way, had Peeta been born in the Capitol and was among Snow’s contemporaries, Snow would have seen him as his ultimate rival. 

Coz Snow was smart and knows how to manipulate people, but Peeta does it a lot better and a lot more successfully. With Snow, it’s right in front of his face and he still misses it. Often he is so close to getting it. How could he not have thought of the star-crossed lovers angle? How??  When one Peeta Mellark thought of it?

Which idk if there’s fanfics of that yet, but I need to read them asap, Katniss and Peeta and teen Snow, make it happen.

(But I was looking at my notes and I wrote probably the reason Snow didn’t think of the star crossed lovers angle because it was about his survival not about Lucy’s. Lucy was at best, seen as his possession. Even at the moments he was honestly in love with her, he still saw her as someone belonging to him only. )

Snow had two relationships going on: with Sejanus and with Lucy. I did find his relationship with Sejanus more interesting, because I think it’s that relationship that shaped him more that his relationship with Lucy.

I did like and even at some points enjoyed their Slytherin-Hufflepuff BFFship going on, coz despite how Snow let us know what he really thinks versus what he actually says, he was drawn to protect Sejanus, even though he’s reluctant about it or insist that he was made to do it or it’s also to benefit himself.

And I’m not saying there’s queerbaiting in this book, but certain pairings in this book makes more sense to ship than Johanna and Katniss. 

With Lucy, i know many were wary or didn’t want Snow to have a relationship with her. For me i was open to it, at least intrigued to see where it will go or how will it be handled. 

Honestly while it is still better written than most YA romances, I found it very insta-love. Again, my sense of timeline in this novel might be different coz I was listening to the audiobook instead of reading it, but they fell in love pretty quick. 

While listening to the audiobook, i thought, if their  relationship is at this point it must have been weeks since the reaping and the games haven’t started yet, and then Snow says it’s just been five days. They were making out I think by day 3 or something. 

Maybe because I knew they relationship was doomed from the start and we know how Snow ends up, I was amused by certain moments in their relationship, coz all I can think about it is, oh honey no. 

but also, I am mad that Ms. Collins is capable of writing amazing fluff moments in the midst of a dystopian world, and she wastes them on Snow and Lucy? Where was all that for Katniss and Peeta? i was given crumbs in the trilogy, Snow and Lucy made out so many times, at one point I even thought they were going to sleep together, like how dare you Ms. Collins.

For the many years we debated the meaning behind The Hanging Tree, Ms Collins, said no hun, this is what the songs means, let me tell you it’s origin story. And omg Suzanne, that was fucked up. Thanks.

One of the things I was worried about for this prequel is that while it is set in the future, the messages in it will seem outdated because a lot has changed since the trilogy came out. 

But she wrote this book well before it was announced in 2019, before it was released in 2020, but she still made it very relevant for today and I think the messaging of this prequel would be more resonant in the future, like the trilogy is.

She touched upon how we really value children, and that immediately reminded me of school mass shootings and how we haven’t done anything about it. She lives in Sandy Hook when the shooting happened so this makes sense she makes a statement about it. And now we are sending kids to school in a middle of a pandemic for political reasons not because we are concerned about their education. 

And there’s also mentions of a pandemic in a middle of a war,  let’s say it was a whole mental experience alternating between listening to the audiobook and watching the news on January 6. 

I also loved the lines: “why do people think the only thing they need for a revolution is anger?” and “we pour money into industries not people.”

While it’s almost unbelievable that the modern hunger games was merely a student group project by a bunch of privileged rich kids and one person who thinks slavery is okay ended up writing the whole thing anyways, that’s basically how this country and our system of governance was founded. 

Dr. Gaul is also every Security and Development professor I had in grad school who teaches that war never ends and it’s not about winning it’s about control to a class of future leaders at the state department, white house, and pentagon. i mean, it’s the cornerstone of US foreign policy since end of WW2.

While also listening to this book, I am dead sure that Suzanne could write a different version of Catching Fire where Katniss and Peeta were mentors and they uncover the hidden 10 hunger games tape, and it still will be a be hella of a story.

It also makes sense that the two characters that could possibly tell us or Katniss the connection of Snow to Lucy were the ones who can’t talk: Mags and Tigris. 

obviously lucy ended up in 13, possibly related to Alma Coin coz where else will she get that personal hatred against Snow? 

Snow could have at least picked Clemensia or Lys, but Livia? i guess make sense since her offspring ended up being Plutarch’s assistant. 

I feel like if i read the prequel before the trilogy, it would be a different reading experience. But at the same time, Snow, while he had his moments, is an unlikeable character even as an anti-hero, and his moral stand point is something i dont agree with, coz you know, he’s basically a republican. it’s like reading a book about a young Mitch McConnell, doesn’t matter if the system hurt him sometimes, as long as it hurts others more and keeps him in control, and i gag. I don’t think i would finish reading the prequel if i started with it instead of the trilogy. 

but it does solidifies my theory that Snow’s evil is not because he is out of touch with the rest of panem, he knows suffering that’s why he knows how to exploit it. He is not oblivious to the problems, but he arrived at different conclusions or convictions, because again he supports the system that controls his enemies, even if the system is cruel to him too. Again, a Republican. Don’t be one, don’t date one. 

I do wonder tho if he made good with champagne tuesdays when he became president. 

I don’t see how this prequel works as a movie adaptation tho, even if turned into three parts. It makes more sense for it to be a series, so if lionsgate hasn’t declared bankruptcy before they can adapt this into screen, maybe with the state of movies right now due to the pandemic, they will be more convinced to make this into a series for Netflix or to launch their own streaming service.    

Hi :) I’m know you’ve written fics where both happen but out of curiosity, in movie!verse (which admittedly I mostly ignore hahah) do you hc effie would move to 12 when Peeta moves back? Would it have been as difficult for her to live in the capitol if she was known to have been the escort that sided with the rebellion rather than the one that everyone thought was the enemy? What do you think would be her prompt to realise she’d rather be with haymitch when it’s not her PTSD like in book!verse?

MMM that’s a very interesting question I rarely touch movie!verse post MJ. I’m not entirely a fan of a “stay sober” Haymitch (at least not until a few years down the line when he might make the decision to cut out himself, bc it wasn’t his choice to get sober in MJ and I feel like he wouldn’t stick to it but I digress). As for Effie, it’s hard to tell. I love EB to death and I love her portrayal of Effie but the way they used Effie in MJ... I can’t really get behind it. She’s acting like her most flamboyant spoiled brat self all MJ 1&2 and 13 never puts her back in her place. I’d have liked to see a transposition of the scenes with the prep teams, for instance, or something that would confront her to reality, instead I got customized uniform book!13 would never have allowed and random comic relief. 

Anyway. Back to to topic. Two options, I think. Either we consider purely movie!canon and we decides they started hooking up in 13, so when he says don’t be a stranger maybe he means that but she doesn’t take it to mean “please move in ily” bc they don’t have the “history” so to speak. In which case, I will lean more toward something where she stays in the city and take a job with Plutarch, basically filling out Fluvia’s role, by becoming his Chief of Staff or something. I do think she has the skills to go into politics, maybe not as a face but as a PR or yeah, chief of staff, or something like that. Higher up but behind the throne, you see? 

Since she joined the rebellion after the Quell and was quite publicly the Mockingjay’s escort during the war, I think most rebels would be satisfied with that and maybe conclude she’s been a part of the rebellion for longer than anyone realized and she wouldn’t deny it so... She would be okay with them, maybe even well considered... I do think she would be in hotter waters with the Capitols but since Capitols invented the game, they would pretend and be very hypocretical bc they want to survive and, while she wouldn’t believe a word or a smile and watch for the knife in her back, she would go along with the charade. 

I think she could make a successful career out of that. A career she enjoys even, because her brain would be put to use for once. And since she wouldn’t be as jadded by the war, I don’t see her ambition being put in check. I guess she would be in relationship with Haymitch but it would be long distance. Holidays, the occasional week-end in 12 or the city... 

Maybe it works out well, at first, because Haymitch isn’t used to having someone romatincally around and that’s a good transition but after a while, I do think he would get in a frame of mind where he wants something more stable and it might put tensions on their relationship a few years down the line...

I’m a romantic and I love them so I want to think they would make it but I’m not sure how much a fling that started in MJ with the movie!characterisation would really work out. Either she quits and move to 12 (but she’s so ambitious and if her career is really working well, it seems ooc) or Haymitch moves to the city (which is NOT happening) or they find some sort of in-between solution where she takes a political role as a delegate in 12 or something... 

Second, option (my default when I play in movie!verse) we consider a hybrid of (what we  think is) book!canon and movie!canon for Effie. We consider Effie  has a lot of character development pre 74th and is fully aware of the states by the time Katniss pulls out the poisonned berries and isn’t as clueless during the Tour and etc as she pretends to be on screen. So when she arrives in 13 she’s DEEPLY unhappy about having been “kidnapped” (probably bc if Haymitch had asked, she would simply have said yes), really upset by the rebels failing to rescue Peeta and mostly worried because she’s not stupid enough not to see she’s not welcome. She’s basically durmped into the enemy’s den and Haymitch isn’t even around to protect her (bc he’s in withdrawals). I like to consider book!13 when I write that verse and pretend movie!13 doesn’t exist, so she would also be “a fish out of water” - as was promised when MJ1 came out. I also like to have her wear the real uniform for that reason, I think it’s important for someone like her who always means to stand out to be forced into the ranks, because it would play on her mind and that’s interesting. 

Anyway, book!hayffie do seem to have more history regardless of if you think they were having an affair before 74th or not. They have all those “of one mind” thing and conspiracy in elevators... They do seem to have a more... real equal working relationship, meanwhile in the movie, it seems Haymitch is doing all the work.... So if we take that into account, I think, in that hybrid idea, Effie would stick with Haymitch and remain his escort (and Kat’s obviously) in 13 so she’s more involved despite the hostility she triggers. Her being more involved means she gets to see more of the horrors happening in Command. She would also, I think, be tired by all the years of dead kids. That’s something that would sit heavily on her and I’m not sure book!Effie shrugs it off as easily as movie!Effie does... 

What I like with movie!Effie though, is that she develops a real nice relationship with Katniss. That, we do lack in the books. And I really like that because I think it might come to play a role post MJ. 

Of course, when we consider post MJ we have to decide what to do there too. I don’t like the movie!MJ ending XD I don’t like that Katniss isn’t hurt/addicted and I don’t like that they ship her off right after the murder. I like the whole “suicidal/withdrawal/trial” thing better. There is SO MUCH happening beyond her room during those weeks (months?) and that’s what’s interesting because I think that’s when hayffie’s fate is decided. (either they implode in book!verse - for a little while - or they seal the fact they want to be together for hybrid movie!verse)

Anyway, if we consider the hybrid version of Effie (movie!verse but with book background and the idea that the affair didn’t in fact begin in 13) I think it’s possible she just might be exhausted and disgusted by all the politics and worried about the children enough that she would just come to 12 with Peeta. To test the water. Also she knows her feelings, she’s mostly confident Haymitch does love her, she probably simply isn’t sure he’s actually ready to have her around him 24/24 in his house. 

I mean if she and Haymitch had been dancing around the casual/not so casual thing for years, she might want to take a shot at being steady, committted while he’s miraculously willing. I can see it as a natural progress of their relationship assuming they took a big step in 13 (either by openly sharing a compartment even if it’s not official like I like to hc or even just by not systematically denying when someone assumes they’re together or even - which I think is plausible - by having an actual convo where she puts it on the table that she wants more and he actually awkwardly reassures her that he does have feelings - even if the words aren’t said yet...). 

Now if they just started hooking up in 13, I don’t think she would show up with Peeta because there wouldn’t be all the developped intimacy and trust that they need. They both have huge trust and intimacy issues. Haymitch more than Effie, granted, but I don’t think she’s the kind of girl who would drop everything to follow a guy without being 100% certain he loves her without question. She’s a romantic, no questions, but she’s also pragmatic. I’m not sure we get those conditions with movie!hayffie. 

ALSO I realize this is all my hc and basically book!verse doesn’t give us much more to go on but I really do believe with all my heart the only reason Haymitch would be open to having a romantic (committed) relationship post MJ (and take a shot at sobriety on top of it) is because of Effie, of their long complicated affair and because he realized he loved her a little too late. Two things in movie verse: either they were hooking up and he doesn’t have the *gasp she’s in the Capitol’s hands, I lost her, shit I love her don’t I?” reveal (although I guess we can still have him start realizing during VT and go from there) so the knowledge he actually wants her in his life full time is slower to come OR they start hooking up in MJ and he doesn’t have the years of denial and tentative repressed feelings so I’m not sure how we go from him being a hermit to him wanting to be committed to someone he was sure he disliked even though he was fond of her. 

And she might have the same doubts. Basically a movie!hayffie relationship would have a lot of things to work out. But the thing with movie!hayffie is that Haymitch backstory isn’t explained (is it? I don’t remember. I blacked out most of the things I was disappointed about and boy was I disappointed with the Finnick reveal scene) and Effie’s background is very unexplored so it’s kind of sandbox. I’m too fixed in my own hc and visions of the characters by now but someone else might come up with very various backstories and backgrounds and make it work better than I could maybe...  

If you read all that rambling and made sense of it, I give you a golden star. Maybe I’m way off base though. It’s been a while since I watched the movies. I really didn’t like MJ1 and 2 much. There were stuff I liked, some scenes, mostly papa!H and mama!E, obviously I enjoyed the hayffie... But idk, 13 is too different from what I pictured, not strict enough, and I’m irked every time Coin gives Katniss a peptalk that should have come from Haymitch. The lack of Haymitch is also annoying to me. He’s supposed to be a key player and he’s just in the background. Even Effie is more useful, I feel. 

Anyway, see how my brain works? You ask a question and it jumps in a thousand different directions. I’m not sure I did a good job at explaining my thoughts. 

But do share yours! I’m interested! It’s been a while since we talked headcanons and meta! I’ll put this on the tag if people are feeling like reading ramblings and discussing their own vision... 

All hcs and meta are interesting! 

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins - blurrypetals review

originally posted may 24, 2020 - ★★☆☆☆

One of the things I have always adored most about The Hunger Games and its sequels is how slick the pacing is. It's one of the only things I've ever gotten my brother, whose attention span often leaves something to be desired, to read all the way through. I would like to preface the rest of this review by saying: I understand why the pacing of this book is different, but it still hurts this book tremendously. The molasses-slow pacing of this book is due in no small part to how long it is, which is to say that it's quite a bit longer than any of the prior three books in the series and it feels like half as much happens. This book is slow and methodical, which isn't wholly bad, but it is bad for me as a fan of Collins' writing. And sure, those of us who were fans of the series when it first came out are all grown up, more mature now, but I come to Suzanne Collins' writing for sharp, quickly paced adventure with a political tone. Instead, this is politics with five minutes of quickly paced adventure thrown in at the end with a bunch of strange, muddled references to the series proper thrown in for good measure. It is everything that did not make the original trilogy work and ends up feeling like a hollow shell of Suzanne Collins. Remember that song Katniss sang called The Hanging Tree? Remember District 12? Remember katniss tubers? Remember mockingjays? Remember how there are characters called Heavensbee and Crane in The Hunger Games? Remember The Hunger Games? There are several small yet extremely numerous references like these throughout which felt useless to me as a reader, only serving to remind me that this came in on the shoulders of a much better giant. I thought Snow was an interesting enough read, but the fact that we stuck with him the entire time only made me wonder why this wasn't written in the first person perspective. That was the one thing that wasn't a reference to the series proper that I wanted to be brought into this. The lack of a limited perspective brought me nothing. I think the main conflict was a muddled thing because of the decision to make it third person. I didn't feel his stress or fear. I didn't care about anything Snow was doing. Lucy Gray Baird also...sucked? She was this cardboard cutout that rarely expressed thought or opinion past loving music, wanting to survive the Games, and flirting with Snow. Even when she starts killing people for the Games, or even at the last minute when she realizes what Snow did, she reveals no deeper sense of thought, desire, or even real, true desperation. Every interaction with her displays her as a ceaselessly chipper doll who is literally never upset about the Games or anything Snow suggests she do. She is always instantly on board with anything he asks of her and, while some of it can be chocked up to believing doing whatever he says will save her life, some of it happens after she wins the Games and cannot subscribe to that excuse. I expected so much more subterfuge, lying, and deceit from everyone, not just Snow, but his friends, his mentors, the tributes, everyone This is the first time we have had a main character from the Capitol; give us something to work with! Make Snow feel like he's in his own Hunger Games as a mentor, or even once he's a peacekeeper. A theory I had at some point in the middle of the 10th Annual Boring Games was that Sejanus Plinth, Snow's longtime friend who considers Snow a brother, might have a truly devious plot in motion. It would also have explained the third person narrative. Throughout the story, Plinth is portrayed as a sweet young man with a heart of gold, someone who is better than all the other students at the academy, and I thought it would be a truly wonderful heel turn to find out that he had been playing Snow the entire time and that, in the end, he would become the person we would eventually come to know as President Snow in the later books. One of the biggest reasons I thought this would be a fun and interesting possibility was because we reached a point where I knew so much more about Sejanus than I did about Snow, and it would have shown the lengths he was willing to go to in order to succeed. I am not saying my idea is necessarily a good one, but it would have brought a certain level of interest and intrigue to the story which was sorely lacking. The only time I felt truly interested and invested in what was going on was when Snow and Lucy Gray decide to run away and they soon turn on each other, but it is literally within the last 35 minutes of the audiobook and even that plays out as stilted and awkward, especially because we never really know what happens to Lucy Gray or how she feels about what Snow did. Instead she is simply gone and presumed dead without consequence or emotion, despite how emotionally invested Snow appeared to be in Lucy Gray up until this point. If he wasn't emotional, that's fine, but explain to us why he doesn't display any emotion as this happens! All in all, this was a really disappointing read. I thought it would have benefited greatly from being half as long and being from the first person, but even then the characters (other than Sujanus) would still have felt flat and lame. I really expect more out of a writer who sparked a generation of dystopian fiction, who wrote such an inspiring and moving trilogy of books, and this had none of the charm, passion, or intrigue that made the original trilogy so great. Instead it just kept the soggy boring politics. Better luck next time, Suzanne. Try something new, maybe. This clearly isn't working for you anymore.

Silver Pen: Career Goals

During a particularly long stretch of writer’s block, Haymitch Abernathy discovered a world of his own making. (AU)

Chapter 5: Career Goals

“Haymitch, be nice,” Peeta warned. “This is Miss Trinket.”

“Effie,” she said, extending her hand to him with a smile so charming it must be hurting her cheeks to hold it in place. “Everybody address me as such.”

‘Effie’ was not something he had decided for her but Haymitch took it in stride. Characters were supposed to develop and seeing it before his eyes was an experience in itself.

“Sure, sweetheart,” he grasped her hand with a smirk of his own. “How’d you know these two notorious kids?”

“Oh, nonsense, they are lovely,” Effie exclaimed. “They are easily one of my easiest clients to date.”

“Huh,” he frowned, scratching the side of his cheek lightly as he mulled that information over.

It made little sense to him. The timeline did not add up since her character was only written about two weeks ago whereas Peeta and Katniss had moved in for about three months or so, which meant before that, she had not even existed in his work – in his subconscious mind perhaps, because her family did exist during the Dark Days –

The entire situation was becoming a tangled mess especially give the whole “my characters are alive” was impossible in the first place. Not for the first time, he considered talking to a therapist but he was not crazy. He was not. He was absolutely certain that he was not.

He knew his name, his age, where he lived. He could tell the date and the day. All in all, he was of the opinion that he was in perfect control of his mental faculties. Just because an insane, unexplainable situation was happening to him, it did not make him crazy.

“Do you happen to know Finnick and Annie?” Haymitch asked out of the blue, if only because he needed some sort of confirmation that all his characters were connected to each other.

“Certainly,” Effie nodded with enthusiasm. “Who did you think close the deal for – “

"Their seafood place,” he finished her sentence. “That was you.”

“Yes,” Effie smiled and turned to look at Peeta. “I am doing the same for Peeta. Soon, he will have a space for his own bakery. Isn’t that marvellous? It is making me rather fond of this town.”

“Lots of houses here... If you like this town so much then get yourself a property and stay,” Haymitch said in a matter of fact tone and at the surprised look both Katniss and Peeta tossed his way, he shrugged. “Seems logical.”

Effie laughed lightly at that. “You make it sound so very easy. I do like the view,” she let her gaze wandered over to him. “I would love it dearly to see this town grow and flourish, and know that I am a part of it. How tempting…”

“Right,” he said curtly and rubbed the back of his neck.

He could not quite explain the way he suddenly felt self-conscious standing in front of her unshaven with his shirt crumpled with stained from his spilled whiskey. Hell, he probably event smell from having not changed his clothes since yesterday. He almost felt sorry for Effie Trinket. Meeting your maker shouldn’t be such a disappointment but since she didn’t know it, then it didn’t make a difference.

His gaze shifted to Katniss, fidgeting restlessly. The conversation held little interest to her but he took great pleasure in watching the girl shuffle from one foot to another impatiently, even if she kept throwing him pleading looks. He was not going to help her get out of the situation, not when she spent her time telling him how much he had disfigured her squirrel two days earlier.

"Haymitch is right," Peeta piped in with much enthusiasm. "You told us on your way over that these ten houses here are now under Capitol Homes."

"What's Capitol Homes?" Haymitch frowned.

“The real estate company I work for,” Effie answered. "Recently, they purchased the land here which means all these houses, including yours, belong to them. Did you not get the letter informing you of the same?"

Her question went unanswered.

The Capitol was a place he remembered creating; a magnificent city by any standard. This current twist to the narrative however, was making him feel slightly ill. Since when was the Capitol a real estate company?

There had to be a sound explanation for this but currently, the one he had made little sense to him.

"I have been assigned to ensure that the other ten unoccupied houses in this Village will have tenants or buyers by the end of the year. So.... Since this area is under my care, I supposed you will be seeing plenty of me," she flashed a smile and tossed her hair over her shoulder, exposing the side of her neck to him.

“What’s that – your career goals?” he queries, forcing himself back to the conversation at hand.

The best course of action right now was to find out as much information from his characters as possible before he jumped into any conclusions. The fact that Effie Trinket was writing her own narrative, in a manner of speaking, was something he was curious about. Real estate was certainly not what he had in mind for her. He had pictured something more glamourous, something that would give her fame. Then again, in his excitement, he had only really ever written her attitude, her personality and her physical description, nothing more than that.

"We all need goals in our lives and I intend to achieve mine," she declared. "This Village will be occupied and it will prosper."

His face morphed into one of disgust and displeasure.

"I liked it better when I'm the only one around," he scowled. "Now you come here and you want more people to move in? Come on, sweetheart. Help me out here, Katniss."

"You should take it up to the Capitol," she muttered. "Wouldn't suggest it, though. They might throw you out of your home and get someone else to move in."

"Katniss, dear, do not frighten him so," Effie chided. "No such thing will happen, Mr. Abernathy! The land's title deed merely changed hands but I assure you that your lease on the house still holds. No revision to the terms will take place. Nothing will change except... there will be more people. It might even be good for you."

"You don't know me enough to know what's good for me," he retorted.

"Well, then, I hope we will have plenty of opportunities to get acquainted."

It was a challenge if the sparkle in her eyes and the way she tilted her head at him was any indication; a challenge to the town's recluse.

And the truth comes out... I live for feedback! (that’s not the truth revealed in this chapter but that’s a truth nonetheless haha)

[ff] or [ao3]

Chapter 45 : Catching Up

Haymitch was dying of boredom and welcomed Effie’s purposeful strides toward him with relief. The party was full of government officials and the occasional celebrity to spice it up. He had been ordered there by Heavensbee and he wasn’t really happy about it. If he had to listen to someone else disparage the Districts and then wait for him to nod as if he agreed… How that kid from Three did it without an ounce of shame, he wasn’t sure. The younger victor looked almost eager to screw up the food chain.

“Dance with me.” Effie hissed before she was even within reach.

He let her grab his hand and drag him to the dance floor without a word of protest, content to know he wouldn’t be preyed upon by insufferable people for the foreseeable five minutes. More if he could snatch another dance even.

Effie was troubled, that was plain to see.

Her smile was strained and she kept darting nervous glances around.

“What’s up?” he asked, once she had her arms around his neck and they were swaying to the soft classical music.

Her smile turned into a very displeased pout. “Do you see the woman in a pink dress next to the bar?”

He took his time to look so it wouldn’t be obvious and he wouldn’t get caught. The last thing he wanted was to accidentally meet anyone’s eyes and encourage an approach. Especially women with money who had an interest in him. He had been good at avoiding any unwanted attention so far but…

The woman in question was plump, clad in puffy fabric and an awful purple wig.

“Yeah.” he confirmed, wondering what she was aiming at. You never knew with Effie. Either she was a potential sponsor they needed to connect with for the following year or she was one of her eternal model rivals or…

“She is the daughter of the Secretary of Communication. I have it on good authority she wants to spend some alone time with you.” she gritted through her teeth.

He froze and they would probably have stumbled if Effie hadn’t kept them swaying as if nothing was amiss. It felt like an icy bucket of water had been poured over his head. He chanced another glance at the woman and wondered if his escort could find him some magic pills because there was no way he could get it up for that.

“We always knew that was a possibility.” he said flatly, purposefully detached. It wouldn’t serve anyone to let them know he was angry or…

He was surprised it hadn’t happened before, truth be told. He had won almost three weeks earlier now and he would have thought…

“She is a romantic.” Effie growled. “I believe your heart is her ultimate prize, not your body.”

“Fat chance of that.” he snorted, reporting his attention on his escort with a fondness he didn’t bother to hide.

“Indeed.” she huffed. He wasn’t expecting the hand she coiled at the back of his neck or the gentle tug and he was startled by the violent kiss she planted on his lips. She drew back from his unresponsive mouth only far enough to toss him a mild glare. “Give them a show, Haymitch.”

Give them a show…

Well, they had been dancing around the issue for long enough anyway, he figured.

There was nothing hesitant to the way he kissed her next. It was familiar, born from habits, not quite as brutal as the one she had bestowed but intense all the same. He licked at her bottom lip, waited until she opened her mouth to slip his tongue in, made it clear without a doubt to anyone who was watching that this wasn’t their first dance at all…

They parted eventually, desperate for some air… He didn’t let her have her full before he kissed her again.

He could feel the stares, the not quite pleased murmurs at the impropriety of such behavior mixed with the delighted squeals of fresh gossip… He didn’t really care. As always when he was kissing her, his whole world revolved around her.

The kiss grew heated for a moment until she seemed to remember where they were and cooled it down. It ended in a series of long pecks. He smirked at how flushed she was but she didn’t look repentant at all. She patted her wig and licked her lips before brushing her thumb on his mouth to catch the wayward marks of her lipstick.

She cleared her throat. “That should hopefully carry my point across.”

He tightened his hold on her, eyes sparkling in mirth. “Maybe we should make sure.”

He attacked her neck with his lips and teeth, prompting her to laugh and mockingly push him away. He desisted but only because they were in public and he thought they had indeed made their point. He didn’t want them to become a spectacle either.

Although it might become a necessary evil. People talked of little else but them for the rest of the night.

The woman in pink turned away with clear disappointment and Effie remained glued to his side, her hand firmly gripping his. He wasn’t sure at which point they had become one of those couples who held hands everywhere they went but it was happening more and more lately. Maybe it was an unconscious thing, maybe they were scared of being torn apart again… He would have minded once upon a time, both the implicit claim of ownership and dangerous public display… He welcomed it now because it was good to know he wasn’t alone.

He waited until they were back to the penthouse to gently brush hesitant knuckles along her nape. “I won’t escape them forever, you know that, sweetheart, yeah?”

He didn’t need to clarify and he didn’t really want to. This wasn’t something they had ever really discussed in their thirteen years of working together. It was left to the limbo for a reason. She couldn’t go and put herself in the middle every time because, at some point, someone would take offence and the whole goal was to keep her safe.  

Her jaw clenched but she gave a brief shaky nod.

°O°O°O°

“So…” Caesar dropped his voice with clear anticipation, leaning a little toward them in his big red chair.

Haymitch braced himself for the questions he knew were coming. Next to him, Effie tensed too, even though it was less perceptible. Her bright delighted smile was in place, her eyes were wide open, her feather eyelashes kept fluttering up and down… Haymitch had to force himself not to fidget, uncomfortable with the whole thing. He was a private man, that was who he was, the perspective of exposing his whole life on TV wasn’t exactly thrilling to him. Needs must, he reminded himself.

He had won four weeks earlier now. They had been sneaking around, more or less revealing themselves by taking walks holding hands or getting caught kissing here and there… Not all of it had been planned either because Effie was determined to make him see he could find a place in her city… He had met with her friends once or twice – for Capitols Aspecus and the other businessmen weren’t that unbearable – and they had spent a couple of nights at her place but they were still mainly living in the penthouse and that was quickly becoming a problem for him. He felt trapped there.

His face was hitching because of the thick layer of foundation powder the prep team had been forced to use to hide the dark bags under his eyes. His sleep was poor. He tossed and turned all night or pretended to read a book to ignore the ghosts lurking in the shadows… When he finally dropped from exhaustion it was usually to wake up gasping for breath, his right hand looking for an imaginary weapon and his left one clutching his stomach to keep his guts inside… It often took Effie several minutes to bring him back and she didn’t look any more rested than he did.

She was good at waking up and leaving the bed when he started thrashing but he was terrified sick of accidentally hurting her. He had tried to sneak to his own room or to the couch once she had fallen asleep but every time she woke up and found him gone, she either ranted about him being an idiot or joined him while he was asleep - and that was even worse since he was certain that if he knew she was with him when he drifted off, his unconscious must have taken it into account at least a little.

Physically, he was completely recovered now. The bruises were long gone and, if his ribs ached now and then, it was a dull sort of pain he could easily ignore. The headaches and the tremors in his hands were more difficult to live with but he had grown used to them. He had also grown used to craving a drink every minute of every day. It didn’t make it easier to resist, particularly at parties or events where they were surrounded by alcohol, but so far so good.

Mentally, it was another story. He was aware the night terrors and the occasional flashback were only the tip of the iceberg. He still tended to spend hours in the shower if he forgot himself and obsessed over imaginary blood on his hands or under his fingernails. He still couldn’t bring himself to talk to Peeta on the phone when he called, leaving to Effie the role of playing buffer. He had panic attacks sometimes, something he was painfully keeping from his escort by hiding in the closest bathroom until it went away – because he felt it was humiliating that he couldn’t control himself better and he had been humiliated enough times in front of her. His mind played tricks on him, the ghosts came to visit him at night, the guilt often made it impossible for him to breathe…

“If you have a particular question for us, Caesar, I would advise you to ask it.” Effie chuckled and the cheerfulness in her voice made it seem as if she was over the moon. Or high. Or both.

The last half-hour of interview had consisted in catching up, as they called it, which really meant Caesar had asked questions about what he had been doing since the Crowning – his cue to thank the Capitol for its generosity and so forth – and about how he was doing with mourning Katniss, how Peeta was doing…

It had been enough to make him less than receptive to the following charade. He understood why it was a necessity to play it this way, he understood the Games were played at different levels and were bigger than just the arena but…

“Very well!” Caesar laughed. “It has been a little over a month now and your team has yet to announce a date for Haymitch’s departure for Twelve…”

“You want me gone so badly?” Haymitch taunted automatically, because it was his role and he knew the lines.

“Not at all!” the host protested. “I am just curious… It is unusual for you to linger so long in our beautiful city…”

“Yeah, well…” he shrugged. “Might linger for a little longer this time around.”

Caesar made a show of looking at the camera with a wink before flashing them a benevolent smile. “May I ask why?”

He rolled his eyes, his patience getting short. “You know why.”

“Haymitch.” Effie hissed in warning. He didn’t really need the additional elbow she knocked in his side and he spared her a short annoyed glare.

“I certainly can guess.” Caesar replied without missing a beat. “However since either of you has yet to confirm… For instance, there were quite a few speculations about that bangle around your wrist… It was your token, wasn’t it? And you are still wearing it even if it is a little worse for the wear – I hope you don’t mind me saying. Did someone special give it to you?”

“Effie gave it to me.” Haymitch sighed, unable to quite contain his irritation. “So yeah… I’m still wearing it even if it looks ridiculous.”

“Why, thank you.” his escort huffed with a pout that wasn’t fake.

His goal hadn’t been to antagonize her and he made a face, a bit anxious that she would go on a sex strike or find another way to make him pay for that – there was a line in the sand in terms of offenses and if he hurt her feelings a bit too much, he would find himself in the doghouse really fast.

“I hate it and I’m still wearing it. Should tell you everything you need to know, sweetheart.” he muttered, his voice softening enough that her pout gradually faded. His grey eyes turned to Caesar, his tone a bit scolding. “Should tell you too.”

“Oh, I believe, I am quite certain of what is going on between the two of you. I have been quite certain for years, truth be told.” the host teased. “How long exactly has this affair been going on? Or are you still going to deny the obvious?”

“We won’t deny anything anymore.” Effie cut in before he could answer. Her hand reached for his and he turned his palm without a second thought, entwining their fingers. “And to answer your question… We have been together on and off for… I would say give or take a decade.”

“Yeah.” he confirmed. Even if at first it had been more about accidentally having sex and being very confused about it. It had only been more serious for the last five years, he thought, although he had refused to admit it or to let her say anything about it. “Give or take.”

Caesar looked a bit surprised and Haymitch couldn’t quite tell if it was fake or genuine. “That is a long time.”

“Indeed.” Effie chuckled without any amusement. “It is a long time to be apart and, to be very honest, we were very foolish. We preferred to pretend that we were not serious because it saved us the heartbreak of a long separation. Haymitch, as you pointed out, has always preferred to spend time in Twelve when the Games weren’t in session.”

It was a little closer to the truth than Haymitch was comfortable with and he awkwardly shifted in his seat. She squeezed his fingers in answer.

Caesar’s smile was sympathetic. “I suppose I don’t need to ask what changed…”

“The Quell was an electroshock, yes.” she stated sadly. “We were all very clear on who we wanted to win in our team…” She paused and Haymitch looked down, jaw clenched. “That is… What happened to Katniss was… unfortunate. We all really wanted for her to…”

She faltered again and, this time, it was Haymitch who pressed her hand.

“We wanted the girl to win.” he finished for her. “We wanted the kids to have a shot at being together.”

Any prolonged talk about Katniss, when it was in relation to his or Peeta’s grief, had been a bit taboo. Haymitch figured Snow didn’t want to inspire any more rebellious thoughts or turn the kid into a martyr. It was a fine line to tread but they were supposed to keep on the pathos rather build her up to be a hero.  

“When Haymitch left for the Games, you thought it was the last time you would see him, then, Effie?” Caesar asked.

“Yes.” she offered and he didn’t think he was imagining the crack in her voice. This was hitting a little too close to home. She cleared her throat. “It was difficult.”

“I can imagine.” the host sympathized, leaning forward to pat her knee in a comforting gesture. “I suppose Haymitch winning must have felt like a second chance.”

“We’re together.” Haymitch declared, cutting down to the chase. “And I’m not planning on going back to Twelve in the immediate future.”

“Well.” Caesar grinned. “I think I speak for the whole Capitol when I say we are happy to have you.” Haymitch doubted the whole city was happy to have him but he simply nodded his thanks, relaxing a little. There, that was done. That should help promote Panem unity – which would make Snow happy – and it would also help keep people who wanted to bed them off their back – which would make them happy. The host wasn’t done though. He nudged Effie’s knee with a scheming smile. “Now… Tell us everything. How did it start?”

They exchanged a glance and it was all it took for Haymitch to know what she would answer would be a revised version of the truth. Of course, she couldn’t appear like a one-night-stand kind of girl, that wasn’t her public persona at all.

He was content to let her take the lead, only cracking a joke now and then for appearance sake.

He did breathe a sigh of relief when the cameras were finally turned off and Caesar had shaken their hands and sent them on their way. There would be a lot more interviews after this probably. People would all want a piece of their story…

“Now what?” he asked, as they slipped through the recording studio’s backdoor to avoid the crowd at the front.

“Now we can finally go home.” she whispered.