“I don’t think that is what God wants. And I don’t think you want it either.”

This line of Aziraphale’s in the Job minisode keeps sticking out to me. Because this is the heart of the problem, right? This is how Aziraphale can see Crowley so completely and also not at all.

Because yes they suck at open communication and yes it’s because they had to hide their relationship for thousands of years and have so so so much trauma and fear to work through. But ALSO they actually do have a profound difference in how they see the world that keeps coming between them, and it’s not just theoretical but deeply personal to both of them.

Because Aziraphale still wants to believe that God is good. He can’t let go of that because his whole identity is wrapped up in being an angel of the Lord, and if God’s not good then what has he been doing for his entire existence?

And so when bad things are happening he falls back on This cannot be what God wants. The whole of season one, he refuses to believe that God could really want the world to end—even though we now know he knew this was a possibility before the world even started. He keeps going up the chain of command, trying to find someone to intervene. “That’s why I’m going to have a word with the Almighty and then the Almighty will fix it.” As if God doesn’t have all the information or hasn’t been paying attention.

And really, the events of season one reinforce this worldview for him. Because if the Archangel Fucking Gabriel isn’t sure what God wants, then maybe God did want them to stop Armageddon. Maybe it was Aziraphale and Crowley who were doing God’s work after all.

He’s gotten as far as realizing that Heaven’s orders are not the same thing as God’s will, but he still hasn’t detached the concepts of Good and Right from God in his worldview.

Crowley is a good person who does the right thing so he must still be an angel deep down. “I know the angel you were.” The only way Aziraphale can conceptualize Crowley saving Job’s children is, “Come on, you’re a little bit on our [God’s] side.” So Crowley’s fall was a mistake; Crowley belongs in Heaven, where he was so happy before the Fall. Why wouldn’t he want to be an angel again? And yeah maybe Heaven sucks now but God is still good, so there’s hope that the system can be reformed with a change of leadership, and Heaven can be made to actually do good, the way God always intended.

But that’s not how Crowley sees the world at all. He is operating with an entirely different understanding of reality. Because he figured out a long time ago (at least by the time of the Job job, but probably long before that) that you can’t base your sense of morality on what you think God wants. Not just because you don’t know for sure, but because sometimes God’s plans are fucking awful. God in Good Omens is not kind to Her creations. She doesn’t tolerate questions or doubts or disobedience. She’s capricious, turning on the creatures She made and killing a bunch of them when She’s in a bad mood. She punishes indiscriminately and disproportionately. She wagers human lives like gambling chips. The kids were supposed to be dead no matter who won the bet.

I think it’s interesting that Crowley is the one who introduces the idea in season one of “What if the Almighty planned it like this all along? From the very beginning.” That’s probably a comforting thought to Aziraphale, soothing his anxieties about going against Heaven right when he is feeling acute distress at the idea of no longer having a side. (And, in that particular moment, no longer even having a bookshop.)

But it’s not a comforting thought to Crowley. Have you seen what happens when God has a plan for you? It fucking sucks. Woe betide you if you’re the Barbie God decides to play with today. (At bare minimum, you’re coming back with some burn marks and a weird haircut.)

I’ve brought up the line “There are no right people. There’s just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us” before, and I tend to focus on the “there are no right people” part. But also, there’s just God.

Aziraphale tends to draw a distinction between God’s will and Heaven’s orders when it suits him, and collapse that distinction when it doesn’t. Crowley almost never differentiates between God and Heaven. There’s just God, and She’s not going to explain why this is happening or listen to pleas for mercy (although Crowley still tries). You can’t trust Heaven or Hell, and you can’t count on God to show up and make everything all right. Sometimes God is in fact the reason that things are not all right. You’re on your own.

(And. Look. Crowley is right on this one. There are certainly aspects of their relationship where they’re both equally responsible for things being a shitshow, but the text is pretty unambiguous about Crowley, a demon, having the most accurate read on the nature of God in the world of Good Omens out of any of the metaphysical characters.)

Crowley rebuilt his entire sense of self, alone, after the Fall. He created himself anew and developed his own moral compass and sense of identity independent of both Heaven and Hell. “The angel you knew is not me.” When Crowley does the right thing, that’s not his angel-ness shining through; that’s just Crowley.

And from a like, trauma recovery point of view, it’s actually very healthy for him to have the realization that sometimes God’s just kind of a dick. He didn’t do anything to deserve getting kicked out of Heaven. None of them did. Just God messing them about because She didn’t like being questioned, or She wanted to see what would happen, or She needed two sides for Reasons and didn’t much care who was on one or the other, or She’s playing some fucked up little game for Her own amusement. (And if there was some Great Plan that required Crowley to fall…well, that is also fucked up. Because it doesn’t matter if there was a reason. It still hurt.)

And while Crowley in general is extremely patient with Aziraphale and his slow, halting journey away from Heaven…it’s gotta sting, every time Aziraphale doesn’t want to believe that God could be cruel, when Crowley is standing right fucking there. It’s gotta hurt when Aziraphale refuses to see something that Crowley knows to be true through his own lived experience. Because it should be enough. What happened to him should be enough to make someone who loves him walk away from Heaven and never look back. And it isn’t.

But of course Crowley is one hundred percent not going to talk about this, if he is even fully self-aware about having these thoughts, because it’s far too painful and vulnerable. (He talks to plants, goats, God, and no one in a bar at the end of the world, but never to Aziraphale.) And so he says “Tell me you said no” and “I think I understand a lot better than you do” because he can’t say Choose me. Just this once, choose me and he can’t say Believe me.

And Aziraphale is not going to think about all this and work it out for himself, because he has a massive lump of denial centered around exactly this thing, that sometimes God hurts people who didn’t do anything to deserve it. I’m sure he’s thought about the Fall in abstract terms, enough to be afraid of it, but not in terms of this is a thing that happened to a person I love. And he has certainly not allowed himself to draw any conclusions about the nature of God from it, because that is far too scary a prospect.

And so they’re stuck. Until they can figure out how to remove this massive landmine from the center of their relationship, they are going to keep having the same fight over and over again, and they’re going to keep hurting each other without fully understanding why.

Good Omens Crowley thoughts and headcanons

In no particular order

I just found out that the name Anthony can mean ‘praiseworthy’. Which, like, that’s fucking heartbreaking. I firmly believe that no matter how many times Anthony Janthony Crowley protests against being called nice or kind or good, that’s just a self-preservation instinct because if hell finds out he’s doing good he (and probably Aziraphale) would be in danger of getting destroyed. 

On a personal level I think he actually deeply appreciates being told that he’s good. Especially when it’s coming from Aziraphale. This is the guy who repeatedly mentioned that he didn’t mean to fall. Part of him misses Heaven (original flavour heaven with God present and communicating - not souless corporate heaven) quite desperately and wants to be told that he’s still worthy of it.

He was cast out for asking questions. This made him fall, as he says, doing a million light year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur. Nevertheless, throughout the show he continues to question God (show me a great plan! scene)

That bit where they’re watching Noah’s Ark and he questions Aziraphale: So, giving the mortals a flaming sword, how did that work out for you? To me there’s an underlying question there as well, viz. Did you get punished for disobedience? Did God throw you away too for not following orders or did They understand that you were just being kind, that you are good and caring? What did God think of your kindness? Are you like me now? Are you Fallen?

(The A/C shipper in me adds another unspoken question, which is : Do you need my help getting used to being Fallen? You’re still a kind anxious beautiful fusspot, you won’t do well in Hell they’ll hurt you. Do you need me to protect you? Let me protect you.)

Crowley really enjoys rescuing Aziraphale (from the guillotine, from the Nazis, turning up in a flaming car at the Armageddon and casually sauntering over while tossing Aziraphale a compliment) . Again, I think part of Crowley lives for validation and praise. Part of him wants to be the shining badass (arch?)angel coming to the rescue of his beloved. And when Aziraphale thanks him, he gets to feel that for a second. Yes. You are worthy, you are good, you never should have been cast out.

Shipper headcanon: I am convinced that Crowley has an entire daydream fantasy based around him rescuing Aziraphale from, Iet’s say demonic Nazis with guillotines. In the fantasy, after Aziraphale has been rescued he breathlessly confesses that he’s always loved Crowley and then they do one of those movie kisses where the hero bends the love-interest back as the impressed audience applauds.

He’s been coming back to this fantasy for 5000+ years. By 2019 it’s got quite specific details.

Personal AU ish Headcanon: Due to just not being that evil Crowley is actually immune to holy water. He just doesn’t know it. Possibly this something in a world where he used to be Raphael. Holy water won’t work on Archangels, even Fallen ones, especially not F-in-Evil fallen archangels like Crowley. For an evil Fallen archangel who’s into the whole do evil thing holy water burns like diluted acid, but can’t kill. For Crowley - it’s just water.

Crowley is actually good with kids. Aziraphale’s not terrible either. I think Warlock being kind of a dick is a combination of (a) Crowley and Aziraphale for all their influencing had positions as servants in the household not actual parents. (b) His mother might be okay (no evidence to the otherwise but she’s an ambassadors spouse so is probably very busy with work a lot of the time,) but I suspect that Mr I HAVE A MALE BOY SON Dowling at least probably dropped a pile of toxic masculinity into his kids impressionable head. (c) He’s 11. We’ve all been self-centred little shits when we were 11 (d)  His parents named him Warlock. I doubt that was fun on the playground. He probably deeply wants a name like John or Owen or Tom.

If they actually co-parented a kid together, that kid would probably be fine, if a little odd about religious stuff.

Crowley definitely pulled a fast one and saved lots of mesopotamian kids from the Flood, while Aziraphale quietly looked the other way. (What? The notorious Serpent Crawly interfered with the Almighty’s great Flood Plan? How ridiculous. If he was around I most certainly would have noticed!! Incidentally he prefers Crowley. Er - so I’ve heard. From . .  a demon I exorcised. Yes.)

Looking after 200+ kids until the waters receded meant that Crowley got a lot of experience with infants. He is ridiculously competent with small babies. Also he just likes them because the don’t know enough to be afraid of his eyes.

Funny HC: The Walk is genuinely because after 6000 years, this ridiculous dramatic Snek Man still can’t quite get the hang of legs.

Non Funny: it’s because of the curse God cast on him after he tempted A&E. Crawl on your belly and consume dust . . . .and if you don’t it’ll hurt. A Lot. Crowley has the angel equivelent of Scoliosis. His spine and hips are a mess in human form and he’s a regular on chronic pain management forums.

Coming across posts from kids with severe chronic pain makes him depressed and angry at God all over again.

How about for all of them 14 and 29?

Ooooh, interesting questions!

14. Most heroic thing they have ever done?Reighvan - That’s hard. He does a lot of heroic stuff - not because he’s a hero, but because he’s reckless and has a deathwish haha… But if I count out the reckless stuff he has done for evil reasons, it would probably be jumping into a pool full of water and …worm… thingies that go into your body and take over. (I call them Goa’uld for a reason.)He can’t swim at all, but he was holding onto his sister while she was dangling over that pool, and he couldn’t keep holding on (bards and rogues are both so weak, they’re a hilariously helpless pair), so he just jumped down instead of letting her go.That said - it didn’t help. At all. We both almost drowned and had to be rescued by the cleric, who thankfully wasn’t wearing her armor at that moment.Linnearhidlishkashayaska - This campaign hasn’t had many adventures yet, but when the party once was chased down by a group of bandits and the druid and the ranger literally abandoned the paladin and Linny, she stepped out of their hiding place to draw the bandit’s attention to her and then used a bunch of cantrips and lvl1 spells to intimidate them.It at least bought us enough time to maneuver so that Linny was in a line and could use burning hands on them, and the paladin slew the rest. Even our DM was super impressed - she said she was absolutely certain she’d have to take us prisoners!Pash - Oh. Oh god. He is really heroic, character-wise, I swear, but… he’s just a huge klutz. I suppose he always TRIES to save the bad guys, even though they try to kill him, end up wounding him pretty badly and our bounty-hunter ends up shooting them dead either way. He’s done a semi-heroic thing in his background story, but said bounty-hunter is on tumblr too, and doesn’t know about that yet. It wasn’t too heroic, anyway haha.Haine - Haine doesn’t do heroic. This whole campaign is more on the chaotic neutral, verging towards chaotic evil side.One time though, she reanimated a party member who had just been beaten dead by another party member, even though said other party member was still standing there.Another time she pretended to be the new mechanic for the enemy and snuck into their ship that way. Two of our party members (one of which is her frikkin father) then proceeded to blow that ship to to hell while she was on it and refused to wait for her to get off - and she still waited until her AI had extracted some vital data from their computer, before she booked it to a shuttle.Other than that, she is literally a coward. I have that written down on her character sheet. And as I said, they don’t do “good” deeds either way.

29. Biggest positive and negative influences on their life and development? 

Reighvan - Negative: His sister died (or he thought she did) in a house that he had set on fire himself, on purpose, when he was 18. He didn’t plan on her to die, however, and after that became extremely despressed and by extension, because he was with the wrong crowd and just didn’t feel compassion anymore, chaotic evil.Positive: Meeting a cleric who saved his life even though he lost it while trying to assassinate a random guy. She forgave him even after she’d listened to all the evil shit he’d done, and gave him some food for thought about his future and what he wants from it. He became chaotic neutral then.Shortly after that, he finally met the party, who are so infuriatingly good people and who actually like him, that he tries to live up to the person they think he is. So I guess now he’s verging towards chaotic good, even? I didn’t plan that! They are just so nice and always tell him to kill or criple people.(So much for me playing an evil character. Thanks, guys.)

Linneara - In the unlikely event that you see this, Annika: Please don’t read the following paragraphs, okay?Negative: When she was a kid, she fell down a cliff and landed on her head. Ever since then, she had weird hallucinations that she can’t tell from reality. They’re usually typical omens of death that talk to her, but so far, they haven’t been evil. Just cryptic.

Positive: As a teenager, she met a young human adult who set up shop in their town and got her out of her family, who might have been a tad manipulative.

Pash -Negative: He’s been deported to Kessel for a “crime” he did not commit and has “befriended” someone on the way who is a very bad influence on this little, gullible sunshine.Oh, also, EOTE takes place shortly after Star Wars: A New Hope, so with having been in the imperial fleet academy and stuff, he’s also convinced that the empire are the good guys. He’s probably shot down one or two rebels during one outing in the academy. Though he doesn’t really make the connection that that means they’re dead. Otherwise he’d probably freak out pretty hard, having killed someone.

Positive: His parents. They’re so honest and so proud of him being an imperial officer, that he’ll probably have to keep pretending to be one forever.

Haine -Negative: The party, definitely. The party is morally so corrupted, Haine now thinks it’s okay to blow up buildings (or whole moons) to cover tracks of a crime, and to shoot people if they have a different opinion than you.

Positive: Her father, who is played by another player (he’s a PC, is what I’m trying to say). Unlike the rest of the family (including her) or the party, he has a heart of mostly gold and only a little stone, and tries very hard to keep her from doing weird things.That’s ranging from pranks (for some reason, he didn’t think it was funny when she put instant coffee into the ship’s warm-water tank for showering), to very bad life-choices (turns out the guy she was flirting with was her uncle? I honestly didn’t know and neither did Haine???).Unfortunately, for some reason it doesn’t extend to blowing up or shooting other people.

I hope that answer isn’t too long. But the questions are so cool! Thanks for asking!