#the daily check-ins. the checked boxes. the given offering. and the lack of warmth behind it
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starting to think that life is all about love
#actually though#I’ve been thinking so much about the way that I am#(or honesty the way that all human beings are. i don’t know that it’s particular to me)#but my heart is cold so much of the time. and there’s just this big distance between me and the things I should care about#and some of that is my analytical side and some of that is sometimes depression and sometimes it’s just human nature I suspect!#but i think so much about love as a choice. and it IS and it has to be when love isn’t something you can feel at will#and I’ve been thinking about the cold and rules-based relationship I have with God#the daily check-ins. the checked boxes. the given offering. and the lack of warmth behind it#and sometimes it’s just. man. that’s what conversion IS#the transforming of that into love. love that is warm and giving and that is my motive for moving forward#and I know those steps and check-ins and prayers and offerings are important#but I know they’re not the heart#and sometimes I see that I can’t create the warmth in me that I need#i can’t generate it#and then it all just sort of HITS#that I need to be thawed! that I am cold and distanced and uninterested and forgetful#and that I’ll never be any different until God draws closer and closer. until I can feel and understand the warmth#with which I am already loved! and held in being#and I know and believe it intellectually and most of the time I have nothing to give in return#definitely nothing emotionally#but if I WERE to. it would only be because I was thawed. because I was cracked open like an egg to use another metaphor#it would only be because Love that was greater than me would thaw out my cold cold little heart#and idk. I’m rambling and also missing big connecting pieces between these thoughts#but sometimes it hits me that the POINT of life is for that Love to change me so that I can love in response#and the actions are important because they keep me on the path. but it’s only about keeping myself in the place where the warmth of the love#of God can blast through me and change me#and that HASN’t happened. I am still cold and selfish and forgetful#but sometimes I know that that is what it is supposed to be#and it’ll probably take my whole life#but the point is: it isn’t about a scorecard or my analysis. it’s about love. it’s about love!
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