#that. people are resilient and they'll survive insensitivity but th
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#its weird that me jumping around the place. being warm and open with others. joking with them and making them laugh. laughing without#restraint myself. it's weird that at the end of the day when im alone i look back and feel so ashamed#i feel like i make myself into a clown. i don't know who that person is bc i dont recognize them. theyre an act#but its what people like about me. that i can give off that warmth#i got chosen out of an undisclosed amount of applicants to work on a big project focused on talking and listening to strangers' stories#and i should be happy. i *am* happy. im so thankful that ive been trusted to be empathetic and kind enough to be a good fit for smthng like#that. people are resilient and they'll survive insensitivity but th#but the harm is still done. the walls are still put up. so im glad i can be trusted with that#but. i mean there's no good way to say this but i feel like being around others is poison to me. i successfully act warm and happy and#i think i genuinely do feel happy but the entire time i feel like im staring thru people. im struggling to process all of their words#i love people so much but i cant be around them. i feel to alien#if i could live on a cloud where i watch all the people i care for grow. where i could help them without them ever knowing i existed.#i think that would make this feeling go away.#it sucks that for me to withdraw means to hurt others. sigh#anyways its raining 🥰
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