April Contest Submission #4: git stash chocolate
Words: ca. 8,000
Setting: mAU
Lemon: Lime
Content: Brief mentions of drowning. Head injury
— • — • — • —
There is no respite from the swimming. I have no asylum, no raft to hold me. The monstrosity lurks in the depths of the lake below.
I am a nomad, typing to escape my life’s desolation, moving maniacally. My top speed is 127 words per minute.
I work for Dell, the computer company, from the comfort and solitude of my apartment. The speed means little in this field; my tasks are self-paced on soft deadlines. Yet no activity would dare to partake in an incestuous relationship with the word “sluggish.” Work delegated to me is completed four times faster; hence, I am treated as delicate royalty by most colleagues.
The job is a mundane one. I write driver support software for Dell computers. No, not even the hardware communication components—only the applications that install these drivers. Yet every new laptop and desktop released requires different accessory detection methods, connection acknowledgments, kernel interactions. At least they let me handle it solo. Fine with me.
My personal life could be described as a bit boring—but the more accurate term is “lifeless.” I stay inside almost all the time, keeping the temperature low to induce an artificial attachment to something—in this case, Blanket. I only leave for necessities and for taking walks when my brain strains. I may not wear it with pride, but it is true—my skin is pale as snow due to lack of exposure to the sun.
But a few things began to change in the past weeks.
I don’t think anyone welcomes change. Without it, I doze peacefully on the lake floor, sedated and oblivious.
Firstly, Dell has started the process of merging with another computer company: ERIN. It shouldn’t impact my job, yet here I am.
Secondly, there’s this new girl, still in college. She interned over at ERIN and was promptly hired the following year.
They gave her to me.
Anna. Some ignorant manager probably had no other position for her. Why appoint someone to bother me?
Judging by the style of her first emails, one could tell she is bursting with “hooray-real-world-applications-to-what-I’m-learning-in-school” energy. I empathize—being locked up in university for years on end necessitates fresh air and open gates.
And I’ll admit…I kinda like her. It’s quite refreshing to have a bundle of sunshine living in my inbox, showing up daily.
But she won’t like me. My interactions with her are aloof and cold—I’m trying too hard, pretending to be indifferent, desperately trying to prove that I don’t enjoy her presence.
In fact, here I am now, on the end of an email from GitHub summarizing another pull request. Apparently, her changes would detect if a connected mouse is wireless or not—something I’ve already completed and pushed to the development branch a day ago.
It’s her third pull request, our first merge conflict: I did something my way, she tried something else. Normally I would have thrown out conflicting changes not made by myself—but then I read the attached telegraphic message.
Elsa, HELP!!!
The words make me shift in my seat. I don’t have the heart to throw out her work. Anna bothers me—but in a different way. She is so scrumptiously adorable. So naive. She needs me. It makes my heart bounce.
We have a company workspace in Slack. Anna’s messages have been fairly colloquial, juxtaposed with my formal tone.
Anna: @Elsa So I installed this plugin called GitHub co-pilot because I read about it online, but it autocompleted when I typed a comment detecting a female to female adapter and by accident I accepted the changes and now there’s so much garbage, why would it call the variable isTribbing?? now AI is taking over the world so much faster than I thought, how do I stop it?!!
I responded,
Elsa: ⌘ comma > plugins > disable co-pilot. Then git reset –hard origin/dev
Anna: IT WORKED <3
She’s really cute. I snuggle closer into Blanket recalling the memory. I could spend hours constructing a better response, one that shows how much I love her—love helping her, I mean. But when it comes to each moment, my hands type faster than I think, sending brusque responses.
Back to the PR at hand, I decide to accept her changes. Sure, I was likely to be reprimanded later for poor code quality, but it’s worth it.
— • — • — • —
I don’t think any ML engine could have predicted this. Somehow, we’ve bonded, despite our clashing personalities. It doesn’t really make much sense—the joyless coder and the enthusiastic “README” editor became such dear friends.
We may have met through work, but in the span of a month, it worked out better than I had hoped. I won’t lie—in the back of my mind, I secretly wished for this.
Although I try to remain as anonymous as possible online, there was something about her that made me put my absolute trust in her—moreso than even myself.
The first time I saw her was a beautifully awkward experience. We had been playing a new game together late at night, like sisters hanging out. “No Man’s Sky” was about exploring new planets in space, diving deep into the unknown. We did everything together—she didn’t want to be alone.
I lied, telling her I didn’t have a microphone; we communicated through the text chat in-game. After she helped me customize my astronaut, she asked something I could only dare to dream of asking.
What do you really look like?
A rush of boldness drowned out any inhibitions. Although I’ve never given her any other means to contact me, due to me being a privacy freak, we communicated fine through Slack. So I opened a direct message thread with her and pressed the camera icon, ready to show myself.
My hands flew about as I moved the device to different angles, unsure of how to take a selfie. Eventually I gave up, letting my body, clad in baby blue pajamas, fall limply onto the bed. Because I had already started to consume a delectable chocolate bar during our play session, I decided to just place it between my teeth and smile. Both my hands grabbed the phone, and I took the picture. It took a bit of courage, but with my eyes squeezed shut, I pressed send.
But after peeking an eye open, I saw that she hadn’t responded. Something must have gone wrong—did it really send? Exiting the app and opening it again yielded the same image of myself. I looked more closely at the picture sent.
Even at this frigid temperature, it was honestly a bit…sultry. My shirt had ridden up and left my midriff exposed. I was salivating, almost drooling with the chocolate still in my mouth. Blanket was draped over my right thigh and snaked between my legs, disappearing behind me. My face was flushed, but only because of the intensity of the game.
Ten minutes of worrying went by with radio silence from Anna. Was she scared away? Am I that repulsive?
She finally responded with a question.
Anna: This is you? Like right now?
Elsa: Yes
Anna: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Here’s one of my old photos
An image appeared. Anna was wearing a textured green dress, smiling in the middle of a cobblestone alleyway. The sun cast a shimmer on her strawberry stream of hair, two braids tied back to form a crown resting just over her ears. Her hands were clenched into fists, her weight shifted to one side as she grinned. Genuine elation.
On either side of the boulevard, leafless trees lined the street, a perfect complement to her sun-saturated skin and olive clothing. Barring the dead trees, flora was dominant over everything visible. Spanish moss rested on the branches, lichen carpeted the ground.
But her beaming smile…
I melted.
— • — • — • —
She started to trudge deeper in. It started with a Slack conversation with her in our company’s public channel.
Anna: Hey @Elsa, I wanna know more about you
Where do you live?
She knows exactly what I would think of a question like this. Anna wants to get personal and thinks the foundation of our relationship is solid enough.
It’s risky for her to ask, and I internally acknowledge that. Usually, I try to keep identifying information secret, but I can’t bring myself to deny her.
Elsa: I live in Taciturnity.
The city is nice, the weather varies. It’s pleasant up north.
Her next message made my anxiety spike.
Anna: OMG ME TOO
We should definitely meet up soon!
I start typing. Then delete the draft. Then start again.
Anna…
I give up, throwing my head into my arms. If she’s not joking, I would have yet another reason to avoid leaving the building.
I peek back at the monitor to see her teasing.
Anna: For 127 wpm you’re slow to respond :P
Fine.
Elsa: …
Maybe we can.
It’s not that I don’t want to meet up with her! I just don’t want it to crumble if she ends up hating me.
Anna: YAYY
Favorite food?
Elsa: Anything, so long as I’m with people I love.
Where did that answer come from? I don’t even eat with people! Just Blanket.
Anna: Favorite song?
Actually what song is stuck in your head right now, that usually tells me more about ppl
Oh.
I begin to think of some way to reply, but then Hans interjects.
Hans: ;) Yeah Elsa, what song is stuck in your head
Anna, why don’t you give her a call? No point in typing everything out
Anna: You’re so smart!! <3 Thanks Hans
That jerk. Hans was hired a couple of months after I joined, and he tries to “dethrone” me in any way possible. He knows that I’m insecure; it’s hard for me to tell people why I could never call them. And what’s worse is that Anna seems to tolerate him. My frail fists clench in anger.
Elsa: Hans, this conversation doesn’t concern you.
Hans: Then teach your friend how to use DMs. Besides, you’re not doing anything productive in a company workspace.
Slamming my laptop closed, I decide that I’m taking an evening walk. Too much adrenaline for one day. I slip on my running shoes, swiftly merging two laces into a knot and bow on each side.
I like to visit the pharmacy. It’s not a long walk from my apartment. Briskly, it should take roughly five minutes if I don’t stop to smell the—for lack of flowers—gasoline.
I lock the door behind me, double-checking that I’ve got my wallet, keys, notepad, and pen. There’s spirit in my steps striding down the stairs.
A walk in the city at twilight. The indestructible serenity of countless murmuring lights sparks placidity. It encourages the mind to be deaf to sonder, the same feelings provoked when viewing a metropolis and its scrambling cars from the distance of an airplane, making everything seem small. The harmony of society viewed from afar to the simple symbiotic conduit of two-way traffic is enough to instill willing serenity in me. I take a deep breath and let it slip out.
It is enough.
I agree with myself as I continue south. It is enough. My vision highlights lights on vehicles, rays ranging from warm yellow to cool blue. Street lights blink, unsure of whether to illuminate or dissipate, flickering endlessly. A band plays across the street in a grimy restaurant, patrons enjoying themselves, music unheard and unappreciated by a lonely walker. Binary choices. Polar opposites.
Some may revel in the tumult of the ocean, or the frosty peaks of a mountain. But I bask in the absence of the sun on a fine evening in the city.
But then my vision shifts to the left. An alleyway devoid of happiness: dead, empty trees lining an overgrown street, roots destroying the very foundation of this passage; all is left to rot in the heart of a forgotten road. The alley transforms into a mirror, and I am glued in place, forced to stand and stare.
I like to visit the pharmacy. Maybe it’s something about the medicine. Maybe I think there’s something there that can fix me. Maybe I am broken. My fractured heart. A hollow, colossal substance of emptiness, pleading for something pleasurable; the current desolation, immeasurable. My twisted mind. The searing mark of a potent memory yet to exist, insalubrious wishes of malevolent dispositions. My aching soul. Bleak. Frozen.
Maybe. Maybe it is not enough.
Maybe I ought to—lights flash at me from behind. I jump, surprised at the interruption of my introspection. A pickup truck blinks harshly, causing my eyes to squint. The driver contorts his face, forming crude words and frantically gesturing; it was clear he was laying on the horn. I realize that I’m standing in the middle of the intersection to this alley and quickly scramble back onto the sidewalk. I look back at the driver.
Sorry.
He appears to flinch, freezing, staring at my words. The anger drains from his face. He floors the gas and speeds away, obviously embarrassed at his outburst towards me.
This is the better of the two reactions.
It’s either surprise and embarrassment, or surprise and hubris. People will either treat me as a child, sorry that they saw me as an equal human being for a few seconds, or they’ll treat me as an idiot, ignoring my attempts to communicate and becoming annoyed at the simplest of misunderstandings.
I know I should be proud. But most days it feels like a burden, a curse; and sometimes, I’m scared to tell others. I’m scared to show others I’m scared. My parents taught me to keep it a secret. They were ashamed to let others know what I was. I was born like this, but they made sure to make me feel like I was cursed.
This is why I visit the pharmacy.
One more block. I close the distance, looking both ways before crossing the road this time, and arrive. Three colossal red letters tower over the entrance, peering down and judging all who enter.
I enter. I am judged.
It’s not a large place. In fact, you can see every aisle from anywhere you stand—each shelf was not nearly high enough to provide shoppers with privacy; rather, it was low enough to easily supply me with a constant stream of paranoia. A few banners hanging from the ceiling proudly announce ongoing sales.
Luckily, there was nobody in sight; this would be the perfect time to head to the most embarrassing aisle. I grab a basket and book it to the shelves, bending down and beginning to git cherry-pick what I desire.
Chocolate. Anything above 80% goes directly into the basket. It starts out innocently enough, with the usual pure dark bars, but then I decide I need mini chocolates too. And who could forget salted chocolate? What about the three alternative brands? What if I get hit by a bus and can’t come back tomorrow? Best to stock up with a few extra bags of individually wrapped squares. And I can’t forget, 92% cacao, where the only ounce of sweetness comes from my own saliva…I’m already salivating. How about raspberry? No, not raspberry. Raspberry and chocolate? I shake my head in disgust. No go! I could try another—
There’s a tap on my shoulder. I jump, hiding my basket behind my back and pursing my lips.
Elsa, you know that’s not healthy.
I sheepishly smile at Kristoff, dropping my guard and placing the basket on the floor in between us.
Kristoff takes the evening shifts every day. He’s forced to wear a bright red polo, which does not match his nature whatsoever. The kindest way to describe his appearance would be…undomesticated? Wild. He’s my age, with blond hair roughly unkempt and an upright heart.
We met here when I was doing the same thing I’m doing now. Initially, he believed I was a shoplifter due to my covertness in bagging chocolate and refused to let me use the self-checkout. And upon seeing the sheer quantity of treats, he laughed, thinking it was hilarious.
But as time went on, he showed signs of concern. Kristoff has never outright refused my purchase and to this day, still always checks me out.
Sorry—he always rings me up. No “checking out” is happening here. Except once, I had to help Anna git checkout to my branch. It felt so intimate. I frequently check her out…
Kristoff is still waiting for a response.
I know. I need it, I reply, snapping back into reality.
He shakes his head, eyes twinkling with amusement.
You’re cute.
I roll my eyes. He picks up my basket and heads for the cash register.
As we walk, I gaze out the sliding glass doors of the building. I really do need it. I enjoy my robust chocolate. On the most irksome of days, I dream of the freezer.
I love the cold—it makes me numb.
Numb to the outside world.
The cold doesn’t bother me—it numbs me from having to hear myself.
Numb to my own thoughts.
I need it. I want to slip inside a chest freezer.
A wish to lay inside, nibbling on some chocolate.
An urge to curl up in a freezer and take a bite of chocolate.
A strong desire to eat a dense double dark chocolate ice cream bar and then seal myself in the freezer so as to not face the consequences.
A yearning to allow my heart, mind, and soul to gradually freeze as I taste the salvation of a hardened bittersweet treat overtaking my every sense.
An aching need to allow the frost to encapsulate my thoughts and spirit as my movements slow, defenseless to hold in the pleasure of the feeling—a fierce sting of dark chocolate on my tongue.
A craving for pure bitter cacao in the pall of a chocolate bar in my hand as I shut the lid of the freezer over my head, slowly asphyxiating—
You okay?
Kristoff waves me out of my dark stupor, raising his eyebrows. My body is shaking, almost shivering, and my arms instinctively wrap around my heart. I attempt to nod.
Let me get you a blanket.
I am not cold and would tell him so, but I figure he would protest if I did. Instead, I concede, and Kristoff rests a blanket on my shoulders; I half expect it to be Blanket.
It’s not the first time this has happened. No. Often it happens without warning. A deep violet vile bile rises and urges me to cry out. Fear bests me.
After ensuring I’m alright, Kristoff looks around awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. I remind him that I should pay.
One guilty swipe later and I’m ready to head out, chocolate bagged and blanket returned. Kristoff however catches my attention before I step away.
I forgot to mention. I will have a colleague beginning tomorrow.
I smile and reply.
I hope they are a friend.
The trek back north begins, the setting of the sun breathing chaos into the night.
Snow begins to fall from the heavens! The fractals fill me with glee, sparking a rising rush of ecstasy.
Felicity. I’m grinning, skipping along the sidewalk. For a brief moment, I am set free.
But inevitably my pace slows. I’ve returned.
The door stands ominously in front of me. Inside, only Blanket awaits my arrival.
I live here, but do I belong here?
My keys. Such is cryptography: my private key is verified against the public, unlocking the door. I push it open before shutting it gently behind me, locking again.
Holy squish—speaking of keys. Anna said she would be GPG signing her commits.
I immediately grab my laptop and jump onto my bed, wrapping Blanket around me. As soon as the computer boots, I head straight to GitHub and check commit history.
Anna is trying to sign her commits…and she’s doing it wrong.
My goodness. I see the little warning sign with “unverified” right next to her messages.
I subconsciously push my tongue between my teeth and apply pressure. It’s adorable. Anna is trying so hard to imitate my actions.
I rest my elbows on the keyboard, accidentally opening a mess of windows. Oops. I click back and scroll further down.
I do feel a bit guilty, though—does she think I’m the perfect one that she has to live up to? Do I pressure her into attempting to do everything flawlessly?
And holy smokes, 99+ pings on Slack. All from Anna, begging me to save her work that hangs from a thread 127 feet above safety.
Anna: HELP I worked when I was checked out at commit 454c53 and now I can’t push it!! Trying to switch back to dev says it will overwrite what I’ve done so far ;-;
What do I do, it’s so embarrassing to ask anyone but you…
I can’t stop myself from giggling. She is so perfectly delicious; she attempted to git commit to a “detached HEAD.” Rookie mistake. Her words spark an unfelt, intense feeling of ecstasy in me.
Anna: It recommended upgrading the library to cutting-edge-alpha and that was not the right move!! How do I undo it? help!!
I can’t get over her innocence, her naivete. It makes me want to protect her, invite her into my own shelter and keep her close. I pull into Blanket, wrapping my legs around it tightly, abstractedly nibbling on a corner. She’s just so lovable.
Anna: Please Elsa where are you??
I’m sorry if it’s desperate but I need you—please don’t shut me out
Anna. The air grows warmer as I scroll through her desperate messages. I can’t control what escapes my throat as I squeeze Blanket firmly, shutting my eyes. This isn’t the deep violet feeling of anguish—it’s a warm amber that blossoms outwards. It aches for Anna.
I go to click on the GitHub issue she created, but misclick onto her profile instead, meeting her beautiful freckled face and #72483A hair. My breath hitches, and I bite down hard onto Blanket, silently wishing for lightly salted chocolate to appear in front of me right now.
But I am dangerously close to losing self-control. I need to stop; something about this just feels so wrong. I can’t do this to myself, to Anna. I close all the browser windows and hit the close button on Slack. I need a glass of water and a deep breath.
But Slack doesn’t close.
Are you sure you want to quit? Exiting Slack will disconnect you from 1 active voice call.
What?
What call?
What call??
I begin to panic, trying to determine what to do before I close the popup and search for the call window.
No no no no no…
It’s not long before I find it:
Elsa – Anna —— Voice Call, 1:27
Crap. This can’t get any worse. Anna was listening to me for a minute and a half?
There’s a notification badge in my DMs, so I tab over to take a look, eyes squinting.
Elsa started a voice call.
Anna: Elsa…?
I immediately force-quit all apps and shut down the computer. The bed acts as a spring as I launch onto the floor and begin pacing.
This could be really bad. What did she hear?
It’s time to pull out the 92 percent. I have to. I push past the mile-long receipt to snatch the chocolate from my unemptied bag on the counter, but then realize I should get ready for bed first. Reluctantly, I let it go, trudging my way into the closet to slip on a pair of pajamas.
There is so much wrong with me. The worst part about having fragmented pieces of one’s psyche is being aware of it all. My fractured heart. My twisted mind. My aching soul.
After donning a soft ice-blue t-shirt and fluffy pants to match, I repeatedly punch the down arrow on the thermostat. My bed calls for me, so I run, grabbing a bar of the most bitter chocolate on the way, and jump into the mattress.
It’s dismal. The chocolate tastes wetter and saltier than I remember. Unbeknownst to me, falling tears are consumed and reused. I am not aware of what I am not aware of; I am not awake to appreciate the melancholic cycle repeating.
The lake consumes me.
— • — • — • —
Upon waking, there were approximately 1.27 seconds of breathable time before all the air in my lungs decided to flee. Breakfast was skipped out of anxiety, leaving me tired and hungry.
Dread snickered, nagging at my soul as I grabbed Blanket and sat down at my desk. After opening the laptop, my arms moved to my scalp. The limbs were on the verge of tearing my hair out and committing to a detached head using a cutting edge.
Blocking her was out of the question—I wanted to see what she was saying. I also couldn’t open her thread in Slack, because it would send read receipts. Thus, it felt like she was at the door of my room, begging to be let in. I could only see her voice through the notifications that appeared on my desktop.
Her messages went through a series of emotions over the course of the day: confusion, questioning, anger, sadness, silence, comforting, shame, before ending with an apology. It was a struggle to witness, but the day finally came to an end.
I gaze languidly out a west-facing window. The sun begins to dip into the horizon, allowing its brilliant form to be appreciated with the slight expense of stinging eyes shedding tears. I lean back in my chair and let out a repressed breath, which feels more like a sob than a sigh.
I also managed to get through all my chocolate. An evening walk would be great pain relief. Ironically, the painkiller is in the journey, not the drug store. Nevertheless, it’s a peaceful reprieve that allows me to think.
Wallet, keys, notepad, and pen. I lock the door. There’s weight on my limbs as I leave my place of residence.
My walk is uneventful. Resonating from my chest is a deep violet feeling, pulsing, begging to be released. I wish for it to be numbed.
Three red letters judge me as I enter the building.
After I grab a basket, it’s a dash, albeit sluggish, immediately to the chocolates—I just want to go back to sulking in my bed. Alone. Alone with Blanket and some chocolate.
As I’m scooping up the treats, I catch Kristoff’s bright red shirt in my peripheral vision, restocking cough syrup—medicine I wish I could chug, drowning my misery in the libation. I begin to make my way towards him while counting and reorganizing the confectionaries in my basket. On arrival, I casually stomp to get his attention.
The figure whirls around, and I come face-to-face with my greatest freckled fear.
Anna is smiling, ready to address another customer, but upon seeing me, her smile fades. She wears the same uniform as Kristoff, her hair tied back into twin braids that rest on her shoulders.
She’s speechless, her mouth slightly agape, not at all ready for this moment. I’m also unable to speak, as always. My heartbeat immediately begins to quicken, pulse thumping in my temples.
I raise my eyebrows as she begins to say something, but someone moves behind her—the real Kristoff emerges. With a wave, he lets me know of the obvious.
New employee.
I struggle to keep my breathing steady.
Anna is the new employee.
Anna is standing right here in front of me.
She takes a step towards me but stumbles over a forgotten box in front of her. She braces for the fall, arms raising parallel to either side of me, plummeting forwards; I instinctively raise my forearm between the two of us before we hit the ground.
The drop honestly didn’t hurt as much as I had anticipated. Anna had managed to shield me from the brunt of it, her hand cupping the back of my head to protect it from hitting the floor.
Time seems to freeze as I look upwards, directly into her eyes. Our bodies press against each other on the floor, her head inches away from my own. Heat creeps into my cheeks. There’s something strangely intimate about our predicament.
Then the most alarming force begins to somehow grow stronger, bringing her face, her lips, closer to my own.
Gravity.
That’s all it is. Gravity.
I gently push using my arm lodged between us to prevent anything more from happening. But I’m too weak, mentally and physically. She continues to advance.
I angle my head a few degrees closer to the floor before Anna wakes up from her trance.
Her eyes suddenly dart away. She begins to talk, appearing apologetic.
It was more than enough.
In fact, it was too much. I struggle to disentangle myself from under her. The warm amber feeling subsides from the loss of contact. The tears begin to well up and I attempt to hold back a sob.
What am I feeling? It is grief when no one has suffered. It is passion when there is no stimulus. It is elation when nothing is thrilling. It is deep violet.
Anna has rolled off of me, sitting on the floor next to me. She’s picking up my chocolates, putting them back into the basket, apologizing profusely. Kristoff hasn’t moved, dazed by this bizarre interaction.
After a moment, I pull myself up, doing my best to appear poised and fully composed. My lips move to force a smile as I slowly sidestep, making my way to the exit. I cannot address anything that has just happened; I’m saving my work, shutting down while I have the power to.
I begin to stagger, stumbling my way to the doors, grabbing onto the shelves for support. I finally reach the motion detector, prompting an easy escape. But a final backwards glance is necessary before I can allow myself to flee.
Anna had lifted herself onto her feet and began to run towards me. I missed what she had said; Kristoff frantically relays her dialogue, following behind.
Elsa, please! Stop! Can you wait for me?
After a slight hesitation, I turn and bolt out the door, leaving chocolate and tears behind. Anna follows. Three red letters peer at the two of us as we rush down the sidewalk.
If only I could be running in the opposite direction, directly into Anna’s arms. But I’m frightened. It’s so much all at once.
I can’t be selfish. Anna would never want me the way I want her. If I can’t share a room with her, how could I expect her to share an apartment with me?
To make matters worse, she was gaining the lead—I would never make it to my apartment at this pace. I would need to push even harder to get her away from me. But did I really want that?
My heart is breaking. With every step, I tear off a few pieces and shred each fragment individually. I don’t want to lie. I want to be free. But in my liberation, I would lose Anna.
Hence I must return to my abode, alone, trudging through the same life I’ve continued to live. Maybe with a lack of chocolates—I could never return to the pharmacy.
I have to cut her off before she reaches me. I’ll cross the road.
We hit 127th street.
I turn my head one last time to see Anna intensely galvanic, yelling, sprinting, flailing her arms, trying to tell me something. She points to the road, shaking her head. My feet land on asphalt, but when I need them most, my limbs betray me.
I snap my head sharply towards the oncoming traffic, immediately meeting with the onerous force of an oncoming car. I don’t even remember hitting the ground.
— • — • — • —
I swam in the middle of an endless lake. Was it really the middle? I was aware that the lake was contaminated. But I was not aware of it.
I believed I was being cleansed. I thought my sorrows, my sins, my suffering would be washed away. Little did I know that this was no baptism, no bath; there were no bubbles. I knew that this would hurt more than it would heal. But I didn’t know, and I reveled in my bliss.
If I lay here, I would be a marshmallow in a bowl of milk, slowly dissolving. Once I realized the disintegration of my heart, mind, and soul, it would be too late, and escape would be impossible.
But if I drowned myself, I would sink to the bottom, hidden, forgotten until my corpse floated back to the surface. I have to hit the bottom, give in to the depths, before rising higher than ever before.
Am I aware?
After regaining consciousness, the first person visible is Anna. I rub the sleep out of my eyes. Anna is sitting on the cot where I lie, feet hanging off the side of the bed, torso turned towards me. She becomes exultant upon noticing my open eyes, smiling and yelling something to the back of the room. Kristoff seems relieved, nodding at me.
I lay on a twin-sized cot, a sheet draped over my body. A clamp is attached to my left index finger, the device wired to a machine displaying my vitals. To the left of me is a nightstand no more than two feet wide; a lamp and a digital clock are placed upon it, the clock facing the wall.
A few feet away from the bottom of my bed, a few plastic chairs lie vacant, excluding the one Kristoff is sitting in. My brain churns out of its slumber, recognizing the significance—Anna must have deliberately chosen to sit on my bed.
There is no Blanket. Blanket is nothing. It is a shallow sentiment meant to fill the void in my fractured heart.
One word rises to the surface of my consciousness.
Home. I feel at home here—more so than when I cd ~ on my own computer. Everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls. But the realization hurts. I am just a deranged customer with a twisted mind to one; I am a creep with an aching soul to another. But these two people are all I have in my life.
Anna is talking to me again.
It’s a bit whimsical, and I inadvertently smile. Has Kristoff not told her? She’s a bit naive, eager to interact. I attempt to pull out my notepad but find it missing. In fact, everything in my pockets has disappeared.
I look over at Kristoff, silently pleading with him. He rolls his eyes and begins to interpret Anna’s words.
Concussion. The car was already stopping. I know it’s my fault for chasing you, but if you had listened instead of pushing me away, you wouldn’t have been hurt.
Anna sighs, shifting her weight on the bed, before starting again.
When you called me yesterday, it sounded like you were crying. Whatever I did to you, whatever is hurting you, we can fix it together.
Anna observes, staring intently at me, looking for any sort of response.
I cannot fulfill. She could be interpreting my silence as either shyness or hatred. Probably the latter.
Anna looks down. Her eyes begin to tear up. Seeing her so vulnerable hurts me. Unlike me, she is willing to express all of herself, withholding none of her emotions in my presence.
A pang of guilt trips me harder than the asphalt. I place my hand over her own, holding on tight to hers.
She looks up, surprised. I instinctively let go. Anna frowns in concentration for a few moments, then pulls her feet onto the bed and crawls over to me.
She places her hands on either side of me, fingertips brushing at my palms. Her eyes meet my own as she begins to lean in slowly, blocking my view of Kristoff. I gulp, my field of vision narrowing to her lips. Her breath grazes my cheek.
But abruptly, she purses her lips and giggles, glancing over at my vitals.
The goddamn machine sold me out, no doubt beeping away at a rapid pace. It reads 127 beats per minute. I may not be able to hear her—but she can read me like a markdown document.
Anna then turns back to me and closes her eyes.
She takes a deep breath and proceeds to say one phrase.
“Olive oil.”
I recoil, furrowing my brows. Olive oil?
I don’t understand. Anna pulls back, hurt and disappointed.
I look at Kristoff, raising my eyebrows. For the first time ever, I communicate in front of Anna.
Olive oil?
Her wide-eyed stare at my hands attests to her bewilderment. Upon seeing the shock in her eyes, I immediately wish to be wearing satin gloves.
I had no reason to tell her when we only interacted digitally. And today, things just happened so quickly. I wasn’t hiding anything purposefully. No, of course not. It just never came up—that’s all. I never needed to tell her.
I am deaf.
And my lipreading is pretty awful. I probably didn’t catch Anna’s words correctly.
We look to Kristoff for translation.
The untamed man began to cackle madly. Apparently, miscommunication was hilarious in his eyes. Where was my pen?
I look back at Anna.
Sorry.
To my astonishment, I receive neither of the two typical reactions—merely mirrored frustration and sympathy.
Kristoff tries to compose himself, wiping tears from his eyes, a broad grin on his face. He takes a couple of steady breaths, and from his pockets, he pulls out—my notepad and pen!
He writes something on the pad and throws it onto the cot. Anna lifts it, holding the paper where it’s visible to both of us.
One hopelessly desperate for it, the other deathly terrified of it.
I peer over the notepad, back at Kristoff.
I don’t know if you’re denying it, he signs, or if you are just blind. Either way, I can’t do everything for you.
I scowl at him, unsure of how to respond. He shrugs and stands up.
Kristoff says something to Anna, who hesitates for a moment, responding with a question. He doesn’t seem to respond, moving towards the door.
Pharmacy, he spells, then repeats aloud to Anna. Without another word, he leaves the room.
I have to apologize. I feel dreadfully guilty, burdening both of them. Kristoff probably had to close the store early to tend to me. The two of them stayed with me until—what time is it now? I turn the clock to face me.
1:27 AM. The three red numbers glare at me, and I push the gadget away in disgust.
Anna shifts towards me, nervously smiling. She opens the top drawer of the nightstand to reveal my wallet and phone.
Thank you, I sign, sitting up so that my back rests against the headboard. I grab the items.
Upon looking up, my eyes meet with Anna’s for a brief moment before she averts her gaze. A blush begins to creep onto her face. What did I even do?
Ah. She thinks I blew her a kiss. I do the motion again, bringing my fingers up to my lips, then push my hand towards her. I reach for the paper and write an explanation.
= Thank you ♡
Anna slightly releases the tension in her shoulders, gazing at me for a few moments.
She lifts off the bed, picking up the pen to scribble one last question.
Promise me, we do this together, okay?
I respond immediately. We’ll recover, healing what I broke, together.
And maybe I’ll have the courage to advance into something more.
My ink hits the paper for the last time tonight.
I promise.
— • — • — • —
If I didn’t know better, I would have called it a date. All signs point to that conclusion.
She had asked me to wear something elegant, with no accompanying explanation. I spent half an hour deciding on an outfit, eventually choosing a dazzling white evening gown. Several gem-like ornaments line the bottom. I wondered how Anna would look wearing the dress. Especially if she twirled.
She’s also supposed to pick me up. Anna should have been here, the sidewalk in front of my apartment, right at noon—which was two minutes ago.
The past month with her has been nothing but bliss. She joins me for my evening walks regularly, and comes over for game nights on Saturdays. I had no idea she only lived a couple of blocks away. A few weeks ago, this knowledge would have made me afraid to leave my room—but now, the news is a blessing.
Luckily, the good news doesn’t stop: she’s trying to learn to sign as well, solely for the purpose of communicating more easily with me. When she told me, albeit in a slow, broken sentence, I couldn’t stop myself from hugging her on the spot. It’s touching. Someone went out of their way to try and do something for me—that was a first. And of all people, it’s Anna.
The company has a new name now, after the merger: “ERIN-Dell.” As soon as work is over, we walk together, side by side.
But not hand in hand. My telepathic attempts to make her hold my hand weren’t working. I might have to actually do it myself one day.
And not all is better. The deep violet feeling remains dormant often; but when it decides to surge, it’s as despairing as ever.
However, I now have a shoulder to lie on. I have someone to snuggle into for comfort. When it takes control, I wrap my arms around Anna who holds me tight. She comforts me and doesn’t mind the tears that fall on her clothing.
Then everything becomes okay. In the home that her embrace constructs, a warm amber courses through me. I can find sunshine again.
Is that what any friend would do? It’s more than Blanket could ever do for me.
Off the horizon, I spot Anna striding towards me—and she is stunning.
The sun sends sparks off her hair as she struts along the sidewalk, grinning and waving at me. The original textured green dress greets me, melting my heart all over again. I can’t help but reciprocate with a slight wave, somehow widening her smile.
She pulls me into a merry side-hug, linking arms with me before we head southward.
It wasn’t holding hands. But the proximity is euphoric. I repress most of my bubbling joy, writhing internally with glee. It must have leaked through my eyes, as Anna tightens contact with me as we pace onward.
Yet something is off. It takes a few blocks for me to notice. Besides the attire, there’s something different in the way Anna composes herself. The energetic aura remains, but an invisible force holds her back. She hasn’t made eye contact for a few dozen paces, and her hands fidget with the hem of her dress.
Anna’s eyes dart to mine before retreating immediately. We cross another street before it happens again.
Realizing that I’ve noticed her slightly abnormal behavior, she stops, causing me to almost lose my balance.
She pivots directly towards me and takes a few steps in my direction. I instinctively step back before I’m pinned against a stone fence.
She looks at her hands, and her brows furrow in concentration.
I.
Love.
You.
My eyes grow wide. Was that on purpose? She didn’t do the traditional, one-handed I-L-Y spelling.
Unsatisfied, she does it again. Anna points at herself, then crosses both arms over her chest, before ending the sentence by pointing at me.
I love you.
No, this was the full sign. The entirely romantic one. She looks up at me with a proud smile, and I can’t help but beam back at her. The phrase that she’s proclaimed finally gains meaning.
“Olive oil,” she mouths.
She wasn’t saying that—the words just look similar on her lips. O-live-oil. Finally, I wake up.
Anna was confessing, “I love you.”
The lake freezes over.
Me too, I respond, my hand gesturing between our hearts. My chest swells with joy, warm amber flowing forth.
She seems to understand, smiling back at me.
Cars flash past, planes pass over, oblivious, deaf to the manifest melody fusing the two of us. She rises onto her tiptoes, and her forehead presses against mine. We stand in the light of day simply looking into each other, mending souls.
Reluctantly, I break the moment of sanctified contact, turning to pull her along, down the street. My smile refuses to fade.
As we move, Anna seems to slide just a bit closer to me. It feels like an accident at first—her hand grazes my fingertips. Maybe…we would hold hands?
Before I can take the leap, she steps ahead, grabs both my arms, and gently pulls me forward, urging me to run. Her fingers slide over my forearm before the contact is gone as she races off, beckoning.
My feet move faster and my peripherals become a blur. Anna is my destination, and I push myself to catch up.
She turns a corner and I follow, as well as the epiphany that hits me much harder than the car ever did.
Dumbfounded, I take a few steps into the alleyway—the place that was devoid of happiness, a road that I could stare into, my eyes skimming the surface of the reflection.
Today, I peer past the mirror, through the glass, behind the reflection.
The scene is the spitting image of Anna’s first photo sent over Slack. We’re in the same exact place. The alleyway, dark at night, looks completely different in direct sunlight.
I stand amidst the dead trees lining the Boulevard, the mossy stone street, the two radiant suns shimmering; one naughtily twinkles at me, finally fulfilling what it is unable to do in the mornings: wake me up. The other sun smiles and urges me forward.
Anna pulls me onto the front porch of a condominium, giddily unlocking the door. What followed could be best described as a denial of service attack on my brain. It was a flurry of raw energy contained in a one-way flow.
From behind, her arms wrap around my waist, pulling my back flush against her chest. She then crosses her arms, intertwining each of my hands with her own, before pulling them high above our heads. The action twirls me around, and the only things visible are her eyes, sparkling mischievously.
Instinctively, I attempt to step backwards, but trip on something soft; her playful smirk reveals the cause as my body falls.
But the drop is cushioned. Her hand, cupped around my head, protecting me. My arm, trapped between the two of us. Her body, pressed against mine. I look up into her eyes.
Again, the invisible force pulls us together.
It’s not gravity.
It is something much stronger, much more potent. No impulse could ever break the bond that our converging eyes constructed.
My arm slides out, both limbs now serving a more useful function on either side of my body. I hoist myself a few degrees upwards, resting my weight on my forearms.
I resist the urge to succumb to the lake, the shallow depths of ignorance and deceitfulness, where Blanket resides. It may have taken a blow to the head, but now I rise. My glazed eyes are cleansed, washing away the lies I tell myself.
This glorious epiphany rouses a new truth: I am no longer a nomad—Anna is my island, my refuge, the lake now a sheet of ice. I took a leap in taking a step back from the mirror, bringing clarity to light.
I didn’t belong in my apartment, alone.
But it could be in my apartment. It could be in hers. It could be in the pharmacy, an evening street, a false alleyway, and even the hospital. But when I’m with Anna—
This time I did not fight it. Closing my eyes, I lifted my face and pushed into hers.
—I am home.
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may 14th, 2022--9:45am and trying to trust you
previous log
may 7th was Yedam day!!! i probably had toast for breakfast and then went to 3 cafes. i was so shocked--at the café near the yg building (i also went there for Mashiho before), they gave me an album and 3 official photocards T-T i must also say, the apple mango tea i had there was good!
it was a super hot and sweaty day, so perfect for all the cool drinks i had.
Dami met me at the last café and we walked to hongdae together. we went to the sanrio café and i bought a cinnamoroll frame. there's also a printer where you can bring photocards, so i printed Seungmin and got kuromi on the back!
we then ate kbbq at place where weightlifting fairy was filmed. a friend of Dami's joined us. it was busy and crowded and the side dishes were so small in portion that we had to keep asking for more, which was hard and annoying because of how busy it was. otherwise, it was okay! definitely pricey. definitely prefer the all you can eat spot.
we went to some photobooths, including haru film, which is incredibly popular here because the lighting makes your skin look clear. it was a bit pricey, it is hongdae after all!
we went to zzang arcade, where Dami and her friend tried the claw machines. i was tired at this point so i laid low. Dami's friend was super nice and noticed how tired i was, so we left and went to gongcha for dessert before heading home.
the 273 is actually a blessing of a bus. it's the one that takes me to campus but it actually also takes me home from hongdae!! the subway home from hongdae is always mad crowded, so taking the bus was nice :>
on may 8th, i got my period and slept in till 12pm, stayed home and left the house at 4pm to go to daiso to pick up some converter so i can connect my wireless mouse (that i also bought from daiso for ₩5,000!) to my laptop.
i also went to artbox just before that and bought 20 toploaders for ₩6,500 so i can decorate photocards!
i went to a place near my home called greener (gr) for salad. it cost ₩10,000 and i didn't like it, but honestly i just don't like salad >_< it was very healthy and worth the money, i think! my body needed that.
it was a super cloudy and humid day and i was feeling quite lonely. i didn't want to leave but in the end, i was glad that i did. i think that on days when you really don't want to do anything, those are the days when you need to get out the most.
on may 9th, i had strawberry chips for breakfast (they're good! should bring some back for Alora~), caf food for lunch (i'm sick of it now, i get why my classmate said she hates it), and now E is here... finally out of his quarantine aha!
we had bbq for dinner after he met us outside an emart nearby. it was kind of pricey and just not bad, but E loved it.
oh, we dropped his suitcase off before we ate. it was a mission, since the goshiman (mean manager) was outside smoking. T is worried for E, since he technically isn't 'supposed' to be staying in the goshi with her. so, we had to hide behind a building, waiting for him to leave before we lug all the luggage upstairs. but, he didn't leave. so i took the luggage in my own hands and pretended it was mine. the goshiman wasn't even looking at us, so either way i don't think it would've mattered.
we had bingsu for dessert and then walked home. i felt so sad that my feet took me to the river nearby and then i turned around halfway to walk up the stairs into ihwa village to see the night view.
being a third wheel so intensely on that day made me spiral.. i cried and teared up quite a bit. seeing the gorgeous night sky made it even harder..
i miss(ed) the grandpa i never met a lot. then, i looked up and saw the moon. i wondered if the moon was him, or if he was on the moon somewhere and it made me cry more..
but one thought i had while looking down at the city was, i hope everyone is doing okay. everyone in this chunk of the city that i could see right there and then, i closed my eyes and sent them all my good energy. i wished them well, that good things would come their way. somehow, wishing them well cleared my heart, too :o
on may 10th, i had caf food alone for lunch, and went to the yg café to study. really, i didn't get much done. i saw 3 people enter yg, though,, one of them was Yoshi ?? the red hair was a give away.. i also saw a blondie leave/enter and i don't know if it was an ikon or winner member :")
i called Alora while in the yg café because i felt lonely and needed study motivation. they told me i've cried more in korea on exchange (5 months) than i have during my time in canada (10 years). i can't stop thinking about it because theyre right.
oh! i had a peanut butter donut and it was so good :") yg café donuts go a little too hard O.O
we went to hai di lau hot pot (?i don't know how to spell it T-T). we being T, E and i. it's near our home and is apparently very expensive and a rare find? so T has been wanting to go, even though she already went with her 'chingu' friend group (intimidating, het cis abgs).
i felt really ugly that day so i bought a bucket hat before i had to face T and E again. i really like the bucket hat!
anyways, i felt like the hotpot was overpriced for something,, meh ?
we then went to baskin robbins and bought this large tub of ice cream because it had a pokemon character T wanted. it was WAY TOO BIG and we didn't finish it, so we had to take it to go T-T the pikachu flavour was so good though! banana with choco chips and popping candy.
on may 11th, i went to myeongdong after class with E and it was lowkey a flop because the whole time we just walked a lot. i didn't really know what to show him and he didn't have anything in particular that he wanted to see..
we met with T to have the all you can eat bbq in hongdae! E loved it but honestly i think i'm getting a little tired of it because we eat it so much :")
E and i were so tired of walking that we pretty much went straight home from hongdae after eating. but! we did go to the karaoke place nearby >:) it was packed and we got sent to the tiny room where the mics don't work and the machine always chooses random songs.. but it was still fun! E is a good singer ^^
we returned home late, but still wanted to go for a walk. T was done for the day but E and i headed out... and the walk turned into a secret hunt for flowers! at 11pm!!
it was a flop T-T we aproached a store that was closing near home, and the owner told us they were out of flowers for the day. she redirected us elsewhere, but everything was closed. i think we walked for an hour and a half? the weather was nice, though!
the closer we got to home, the weirder our conversations got. we started to discuss if curry is a soup/sauce, if soups are sauces and vice versa. i also get roasted now for apparently eating mayo sandwiches, but that's for another time.
on may 12th, i had a fried shrimp and curry dish alone for brunch. i then headed out to get gongcha but met T and E who were also walking to campus. so, i also got something for T. coming back, they had told me to meet them at the gs25 near the uni store, so i headed that way. when i was already there, they told me they were actually at the caf T-T these two places are a bit far apart and it was boiling, so naturally i was just a bit upset.
as usual, i was alone for the day again. i thought i would just head home since i was feeling exhausted, but as if the stars aligned, the person whom i helped find the uni store so long ago contacted me and we were able to meet!
it had been quite a while and his hair was blonde now,, i forgot to ask him about it! we went to starbucks and i had a black tea lemonade.. for some reason i thought it would taste weird but it was good! tasted like adding lemon to tea.. duh >_<
we sat on campus and had our drinks while talking. he gifted me a really pretty jewellry box that he received in korean class!! he was like, when you go back to canada, you can look at this and remember that you friend gave this to you. i'll definitely be doing that, with how sentimental i am :")
from there, we went to a lotte department store to eat at an all you can eat buffet called ashley. it was super good! i just wish i could've been more hungry so i could eat more. i feel like my dad would love it. it was like mandarin but a lot better.
these robots would come to pick up our dirty dishes when he pressed the bell on our table, it was super cute !
after eating, he spontaneously asked if i want to go rollerblading. honestly, i was feeling tired but i thought why not! let's give it a go!! so we bussed there and it was in a place full of other sports activities, like golf, etc.
the rollerblading room was empty, save for one person. we were a bit confused so we asked them for help before going ahead and skating.
i had to sit down to rest a bit because it was hurting my feet so bad and i was doing a poor job since i was scared and hadn't skated for a while. just then, someone approached me. they asked me where i'm from and we had a long conversation. they work at the place!! they were so pretty T-T
they told me they went to study abroad in the U.S, which is where they picked up on english. they also asked about me and my experiences, and recommended i teach english in korea! they also asked me if i had any korean friends/significant other but i said no, it's so hard to meet korean people. i told her they must either be super busy or must hate me. she told me it's first reason--they're just busy!
then she said something that deeply touched my heart for some reason. she said 'i hope you won't have a scar on your heart because it's so hard to make friends with korean people.' it left a lasting impact on me..
the rollerblading place was just a big, dark room with disco lights and kpop mvs playing in the background ^^
we bussed home after that, and my friend came all the way to my house with me! we missed the first bus because we were distracted, but managed to catch another one. this spot was like high up in the mountains or something..
we saw the worker who spoke to me--she said she had finished work and was going to a friend's place an hour and a half away to comfort her after a breakup. this person seemed so sweet..
we bussed home and my friend walked me all the way to the doorstep, where we hugged goodbye and i stepped in. then, i remembered i needed to withdraw money for T, so i left the house again while on call with my mom. then, i met E and T after their han river date at hyehwa station, so i could directly give T the money. the atm was closed, so we got ice cream from luscious scoops again at always. there was a bug in T's ice cream and E asked for a new one!
we then walked home and that was it for us ^^
on may 13th, i had bibimbap at the snack place near us for brunch. i really like the bibimap there! the lady working looked at me weird when i said what i wanted as soon as i stepped in. i guess she didn't expect that much from a foreigner?
i studied at jeongju café after eating. i was sleepy and didn't get to study for long before i had to hear back home to meet T and E for a party.
sidenote, the café washroom was so whack. public bathrooms here are hit or miss. it's either incredibly clean or super dirty, not even any toilet paper or soap (the gongcha in anam is like this T-T)
i went to olive young since i had time to kill and bought a clean x stray kids perfume. i bought Bangchan's scent--rain--and i was given a magazine that stray kids were on the cover of!
i also bought some hair gel just experimentally. i've tried it and honestly it's pretty good!
i bought some apple bread at a convenience store because i was craving (these days i crave bread a lot!) and finally headed home.
before the party (it was someone's birthday in itaewon), we ate at nbb. i could die for the sugar butter fries!
the subway to itaewon was a bit busy, snd itaewon was slightly bustling when we got there, too. we got ever so slightly lost but eventually found our way!
it was happening on the birthday girl's rooftop, which had a pretty good view of the nightlife below.
i mostly talked to E, Lyly and Van during the party. T was socializing a lot, bless her.
we saw some familiar faces but they didn't say hi to us so we also didn't. mind you, there were like 15 people present. super small and weird to not say hi.
we left early, since T had an online meeting at 10. on the way back to the subway, i saw dan bam or ggul bam (sweet night), the pub from itaewon class!! they were showing the drama on a TV and had the webtoon on display and everything!
i have a feeling we won't go back..
finally at home, i could hear winner.. skku (the university close to where i live) was having their festival (all unis have this), and winner was a guest. of course i couldn't go because of the bday party.. so hearing winner broke my heart. i was like , why can't i be there! since the festival was free.
anyways. then we slept zz.
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