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creativerogues · 4 years

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Player’s Guide: Meet The Archmages of Capitol!

Well the Player’s Guide is coming together really well, and thanks to @dnd-chamyra-studies, as well as @paradigmanomaly and @nickle-snatcher for providing so much help on building the City of Capitol.

But without any further delay, let’s get into the details...

Archmage of Illusion, The Archmage Indefinable

The Archmage of Illusion never shares his actual name, and often creates elaborate illusions and personas to hide himself.

He’s a High-Level Wizard (obviously) with the magical capabilities to create up to 8 Illusory Duplicates thanks to his ability to cast Mirror Image at-will, and he’s almost accompanied by his Simulacrum, who can do the same...

He’s used many fancy names and personas to hide his identity: Example names include Salem, Owahl, Zakalis and Morgan.

The Archmage of Illusion became famous for being so powerful that when the rival Kingdom of Rassumurait attempted to sail to the shores of Capitol, he disguised the stars they used to navigate so that they ended up lost at sea and where forced to retreat...

What does he look like?

He’s an older Halfling Man, lightly hunched in posture with wild curly grey hair with an arrow through it like a makeshift hairpin. He’s well over 3-foot-tall, even while hunched over, with gross old barefoot hobbit feet with excessive foot hair, his toenails have clearly never been trimmed, and he seems to have some sort of exotic fungal disease on his feet, even starting to develop small mushrooms...

Because when you literally always have a disguise or illusion on you, you don’t really need to look good or wash at all...

He carries a small wooden staff like a cane, and in his other hand he often holds a pipe.

The Archmage of Illusion is known for levitating in conversations with the other Archmages, so they can speak eye-to-eye rather than top-of-head to crotch; and he has a nervous habit of letting out a little giggle whenever he tells the truth.

He’s also recently become addicted to the Laumadorian Plant known as ‘Weeping Flak’, smoking it and adding it like spice and sugar to everything they consume, since Weeping Flak (also known as Bluegrass) is also known to increase one’s arcane powers for a short time after consumption.

Archmage of Enchantment, Father Jack

Father Jack? Well this handsome dwarven wizard used to get every girl he wanted into bed since his beard started to grow. You may be asking why the Archmages call him Father Jack, better pose that question to his 122 Sons and 99 Daughters...

He’s short, stocky, and very clearly dwarven to anyone that looks at him. His skin is slightly tanned from his days on the coast, and his face carries a big bulbous red nose at its center.

His beard seems quite magnificent, with ornate brass and bronze bands adorning their beard. Their beard is also very obviously dyed. There are streaks of grey that have been colored to match their original shade, but don’t quite match.

Another odd feature is his left eye, since he’s missing it, and it appears he’s had a chunk of solid gold carved to look like an eye implanted in the place of his left eye.

He wears a copper ring on one finger, a ring with intricate carvings on its surface, and this Archmage always seems to be followed by a smell of rum and alcohol on his breath...

Archmage of Conjuration, Archmage Butterfly

Her full name is ‘Clawed Butterfly’. A Conjuration Wizard who is always accompanied by her Faithful Hound and her Unseen Servant. She often chooses to use Misty Step rather than walking...

She’s feline and cat-like in appearance, she often wears an ombre-dyed hood that reminds you of a hunting cat. Meanwhile the feline tail of the Archmage winds and flickers with a mind of its own.

She has cat-like slits for eyes, and just to confirm; Yes, she’s a Tabaxi Wizard.

She has tattoos across her face, starting from the corner of her mouth to the edge of her eye, but barely visible under her tabaxi hair.

Her right arm is bizarre and unnatural: One of her arms is a slightly different tone, and slightly shorter in length than the other one, her right-hand having steel claws that appear to be artificially attached to her fingertips.

Her left arm is even more bizarre: She has an extra hand coming out of her left wrist. This extra hand is as small as a child’s and is blackened and seems to be of no use: A failed conjuration experiment perhaps?

She also has an eye on the palm of her left hand, something she hides behind her back in her always regal-looking pose while speaking.

Archmage of Evocation, Archmage Damascus Iados

A Tiefling Evocation Wizard with bright flames that flicker across the back of their hands, and smaller, heatless flames seem to flicker across their skin while the earth seems to tremor slightly while he walks.

In charge of the Tower of Evocation, Archmage Iados is a Tiefling Man with bright red skin, a bald head and two curling horns atop his head like those of a wild ram.

He wears blue and green robes that flow down to his feet, and every so often has heatless flames flickering across his skin before sputtering out on their own.

His left hand has three fingers, while his right hand has seven, and both hands seem to glow very faintly with a low white flame...

Archmage of Abjuration, Archmage Neskul Nyultin

Urban legends say that there used to be a Silver Dragonborn Wizard so skilled in the magics of Abjuration, yet so paranoid, that he stayed deep underground within his Tower, surrounded by a bubble of powerful magics, though when forced to go outside in-person, he sits cross-legged on a Tenser’s Floating Disk, with a globe of protective magics around him at all times...

Archmage Neskul Nyultin is a Dragonborn Wizard with glimmering silver scales, as is usually seen cross-legged on a small disk of force that floats above the ground. His legs seem withered from atrophy, and his body seems very thin for a Dragonborn...

A shimmering globe of arcane wards almost always surrounds him, as he’s almost always seen with his hands inwards, his fingers intertwined and seemingly always concentrating on the many spells that protect his being.

This Dragonborn Archmage has several scales missing and a long deep gash running along his face. He has two long, spiny and membranous ears, and a slightly off-center snout, akin to a poorly reset broken nose.

Upon his head sit two overly curled horns, and in his chest glows a dragonborn heart, a heart that glows bright enough to be seen beneath his scales and through the sphere of arcane wards that surround him.

After an encounter with a Red Dagger Assassin as a young Archmage, Neskul has become paranoid, as he knows the Red Daggers are master assassins that always get their target, one way or another.

This paranoia has caused him to become shut-off and shut-in, though he still teaches the students of his Tower through the use of Simulacrums, Projected Images and various other methods of magic, all while hiding himself away deep within the underground of his Tower of Abjuration...

Archmage of War, Archmage Leowynn Wynanthal

A High Elf War Wizard and Bladesinger, Archmage Leowynn is probably the most prominent figure in Capitol aside Archmage Iados.

An elf with pearl-colored hair that seems to glow in the light, with long and curved ears and incredibly long eyebrows with a small pointed nose. He has pale skin, his face having splotches the color of red wine, with exotic runes carved onto his forearms and a long thin rapier by his side.

He wears flowing robes that looks as if they’re made from specks of starlight, he also wears elven ear clasps made of spun silver and an engraved leather archery bracer on his left wrist.

He has many scars and callouses along his forearms, perhaps formed over many brutal sparring sessions.

But his hands can sometimes be the most fascinating thing about him. He has a recessive finger on each hand, and a Holy Symbol of the Black Hand of Bane branded onto his right hand.

Leowynn is maybe my favorite Archmage out of the lot. He’s the Archmage in charge of both the Tower of War that trains War Wizards, and the War College that trains up the regular infantrymen and soldiers.

He’s probably the most publicly seen figure, and his whole host of magic items, from Bracers of Archery to his Robe of Stars to everything else he carries, also makes him look the part of an Archmage (he’s also the only Archmage to travel to another Plane of existence...)

He’s also known for his spats and arguments with the other Archmages, since the War College has always had an uneasy alliance with the Edhel Halls Library, and with Archmage Leowynn being one of the few Archmages to of taken part in the War Underground between the Elves of the West and the Drow of the East over 50 Years ago, he’s probably the oldest Archmage in the King’s Council, but he seems to favor Archmage Iados and students from the Tower of Evocation especially...

Archmage of Necromancy, Archmage Froja Dundrek

Ya haven’t heard of the old tale of Froja’s head? Well let me tell ya!

There was once a Wizard called Froja who got sentenced to death for using Necromancy and black magics back when it was still a crime, before the War Underground basically. She managed to break free and sneak into the Archives of the Edhel Halls, the place that holds all the scrolls with the old magics in ‘em. She found a spell in those forbidden pages, one that granted her eternal life.

After she cast the Spell, she went in-front of the King himself and asked for forgiveness before demanding her freedom, he refused. Put her in Jail and chopped off her head the next day.

Well as it turns out, she’s still alive! And she now teaches other Wizards. But they still keep her head as a training object for young students...

The best way to describe Froja’s apperance is that of a headless corpse.

She’s a shadowy and shrouded figure, wearing boots and thick black leather straps around the ankles. She also wears grey patterned pants and a slender thin belt made of the same black leather.

A shimmering feathered shawl drapes from her shoulders like a pair of dark wings, and a brooch that seems to be made of woven strands of pure silver hangs from her left breast.

And above her shoulders is a collar made of woven tree twigs, the twigs and sticks thorny and withered black.

And finally, above this collar, where a head would be, there’s nothing at all! No head, and yet the body lives on...

Archmage Neskul has been at odds with Archmage Froja since the beginning, with Archmage Neskul begging Froja time and time again to reveal whatever magics and spells she used to maintain this life (or un-life) for eternity, never being able to truly die. And time and time again Froja had refused his advances, never revealing even a single detail about the spell she used to gain this eternal life...

Archmage of Transmutation, Drasaaria Argal

There once was a Transmutation Wizard so prolific that eventually any gold coming into her city was treated like scrap metal to her...

Archmage Argal is a Half-Drow Transmutation Wizard, and probably the only figure with a dark elf bloodline that’s tolerated by most people in the Capitol. When she joined the King’s Council, the uproar was tremendous, as the War Underground between the Elves of the West and the Drow had ended not a decade before...

But you wouldn’t think she’s a half-drow if you looked at her, because her skin isn’t dark... It’s metallic!

Her skin has a shine to it like a fine polished metal, and some might even mistake her for a statue standing in the room if you didn’t know her...

She wears very little actual clothing, but hold onto your thirst because she still wears clothes, specifically a pair of white gloves woven from the finest spider silk, while an ornate ear-cuff in the fashion of an orchid spirals around her left ear.

Her leggings have an opalescent sheen, and she’s also one of the many Archmages that likes to stand and walk barefoot...

Argal is another one of my favorites, and I knew I wanted to put a Drow on the Council because I just wanted to see what would happen...

And trust me when I say she’s no pushover, as my Players have found out time and time again.

That shiny skin she has: That’s Adamantine. Yep, she transmuted her skin to become living adamantine, so you try facing down a 20th Level Archmage with 23 AC...

And she’s also been known to horribly torture people the Council wants dead, or wants answers from. She’s turned a guy’s brains into mercury, polymorphed a guy into a robin before turning said bird into a tiny solid gold statue, she’s even wiped a Player’s memory clean using Programmed Amnesia... She’s a mean one...

She’s also one of the Wizards (alongside Archmage Froja) who’s at odds with Archmage Neskul, since he keeps asking her how she got her adamantine skin and she keeps refusing to answer him.

And due to most of the other Archmages just barely tolerating the presence of a Drow on their Council, that just means she trains up her students in the Tower of Transmutation even harder, which often results in the Tower of Transmutation producing some of the most powerful Mages...

Archmage of Divination, Archmage Ofyne Yuvidet

There used to be a Wizard so skilled in divination magics that she never bothered having a conversation, because she already knew how it was going to end...

Ofyne is a Human Wizard and the Archmage of Divination. She wears old dull blur robes over tattered clothing. She has long and frizzy graying-brown hair that falls just below her shoulders, with what looks like small woodland critters wriggling around in her hair...

Her body seems incredibly damaged. Her hands are stained multiple colors of brown and green, and acid burns that run along both hands.

On her right hand is a small blackened sixth finger that twitches of its own volition. She also possesses what’s left of a still-attached left hand. It looks like it was crushed but was never amputated. She also has a horrid burn mark running down from her left elbow to her crushed hand.

One leg seems severely deformed: Ofyne uses a set of double crutches to walk, but more often floats and flies around as she finds it far easier on her body. She’s also one of the Wizards that walks barefoot, and smells of burnt tea leaves!

She seems blind, her eyes pale and clouded over with cataracts in her old age, with bags under her eyes that suggests she probably hasn’t slept comfortably in many years...

She has no nose, instead having a big hole where her nose would be, and her mouth is permanently crooked, giving her a cocky smirk and almost wicked grin. However, Ofyne wears a prosthetic nose and mask made of silvery-blue mithral, which keeps the prosthetic in place while partially obscuring her face to prying eyes.

Small mushrooms emerge and grow from her neck and shoulders, she also has several scars around her neck, some apparently self-inflicted, almost like she’s had her throat slit multiple times and healed from every wound...

Ofyne (or Archmage Yuvidet if you want to call her that) is probably the most interesting Archmage. She hasn’t cut or groomed her hair in over 8 Years, and her eyes seem to glow when near poison or fresh blood.

She’s in charge of the Library of Saturnity in Fostin, ans she’s also one of the very few Archmages that’s actually allied with Archmage Neskul.

However, the Archmage of Divination is currently missing and has been missing for some number of months now, but this has yet to become public knowledge...

Ofyne is probably the oldest Human on the Council (aside from Archmage Froja and that eternal life thing she has going on...) and Ofyne’s seen a lot.

You’d think for a Divination Wizard she’d be fine right, no scratches at all because she knows the future...

Well when you have to take orders from the King, the Hand of the King, and a bunch of Archmages (lest you be straight up murdered), you’re forced into situations where you know you’re going to get messed up. (Google ‘The Seven Against Thebes’ if you want to see where I got some inspiration...)

And that’s all the Archmages!

And yes, I know there’s other Wizard Schools like the School of Invention and the School of Onomancy, but since those aren’t Official Subclasses yet, I’m yet to make them canon in my world, so no, there is no Archmage of Onomancy or Archmage of Invention... Yet!

But tell me what you think of the Archmages of Capitol, what are your first impression, are they to be trusted?

Let me know in the Comments with your Replys and Reblogs!

#dnd #DnD 5e #worldbuilding #Players Guide

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getallemeralds · 4 years

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explorers of arvus: port draavos / 3.23.20

and now for something different: the misadventures of the hope’s guard

so for the past 3 years ive been in an ongoing dnd5e campaign run by michael called Explorers of Arvus, which is super cool and super fun and i love it a whole lot! and back when i used twitter, i’d liveblog our sessions and that ended up being my way of note taking bc im otherwise quite terrible at it

after i stopped using twitter, that had the side effect of me not keeping notes anymore, so i kind of didnt remember any of the past couple sessions? especially because its hard for all 6 of us to have like, schedules that make sense, so there’s a lot of distance between each session.

and then i realized i can just take notes shitpost-liveblog style and then just… like, put it on tumblr or whatever. i’ll probably make like, ill probably port over my old liveblog threads onto here sometime but until then: we played d&d today! Time For Shenanigans

some quick context: we’re called the Hope’s Guard, but our unofficial silly name is Chunch Bunch the Dungeon Master is Michael aka Skalter aka @openlyeight Taure M’ea is a half-elf paladin played by Penn aka @penn-name and she is doing her best. Sieron Astora is a human (secretly half-orc) wizard played by Jorb aka @jorbs-palace and he’s basically the protagonist, and also starting to be gay for Charlie Charlie Wickfield is a halfling wild magic sorcerer played by Leos aka us and she’s known for being very chaotic, lighting things on fire, and having a high charisma score but no idea how to articulate anything Thorne is a half-orc warlock played by Solar aka @craftlands and he grew up in nonsense land aka the feywild and i love him, and also he’s fine-tuned to be able to snipe the shit out of anything within a 600 ft radius of him w/ eldritch blast Silje Cottonwood is a tabaxi blood hunter played by Nyx aka @patheticnyas and he is very edgy but also a cat and is VERY gay for Thorne our general goal is to stop some motherfucker called Halvkar / the God-King from… i dunno, being a huge bitch? he dumped zombies all over Arvus and that’s a problem. its late at night and i just played d&d for several hours

AND SO: WE PLAYED D&D FOR THE FIRST TIME OF THE DECADE

last time:

chunch bunch beat up the cult and now we’re FINALLY GOING TO ARVUS, YALL (also we picked up a cat) (his name is silly. its silje but literally pronounced like “silly”) sieron hatched a child! so like, we have a lil coatl friend now OH RIGHT SIERON HAS A MOM. sierons mom is here charlie and sieron attempted to have a gay scene but charlie went off script by being “[internal dial up noises]” when sieron said something really heartwarming we’re in fort draavos! and now we’re picking up sidequests and just kinda wanderin around. woo!

NOW, ON EXPLORERS OF ARVUS:

thorne and charlie discuss the morals of necromancy, and also the concept of “[charlie voice] necromancy racism”

EVERYONE IS BONDING WITH CHARLIE TODAY taure gave charlie the rune of wound closure and told her to stay safe and im :keralisweep:

accidentally started a cutscene bc charlie is very loud in a temple, oop. some priests(?) glared at us and walked off and im sure they wont stab us later! ingrid the adorkable friend has been having reoccuring nightmares about a dark figure w/ black robes standing above a bleeding platform high in the air over a swamp and summoning undead, so we’re gonna go hit that up! it MIGHT be like, a vision of the past, but even if so thats still pretty relevant also there’s a cool half orc lady named undril silvertusk who we’re gonna escort to camp vengeance! she’s awesome

thorne: i was in a dungeon once charlie: you got better! thorne: [points] i DID get better!

summer: can i roll to steal the laser gun? michael: if you find the dragon, you can try to steal the laser gun.

solar: guys, we have to protect the lesbians at all costs. and if one of them turns out to be an ancient gold dragon and curses my dick, then so be it

taure: dont worry, i wont let you die. ingrid: …okay :D!

THE HOT SPRINGS EPISODE IS FINALLY HAPPEN sorry thorne. charlie dabbed at a buff tiefling charlie is too fucking short for the hot springs. also she’s like 50% hair so she is Dying

time for food! we ran into an adventuring party that is apparently based off one michael was part of in another campaign, and i think the buff tiefling is his? also taure ordered samples of everything and then got Super plastered

thorne rolled really good to infodump hardcore about arvus artifacts and it is cute and id die for him oop michael asked for all our passive perception

omg theres an introduction of a ~mysterious character~ and originally theyre supposed to just sneak off but then michael realized they’d be genuinely interested in thorne’s infodumping so now theyre just Lurking

the opposite of a slow burn is a fast explosion

[everyone gets distracted quoting realtime fandub]

oops taure is depressed! ALSO SHE BROKE UP WITH SIGRA??? charlie is VERY bad at emotional support so she’s just “uhhhhhhhhh”, but thankfully thorne catches her before she faceplants into her potatoes CAN ANY OF US CARRY TAURE??? SHE’S IN FULL ARMOUR AND ALSO PASSED OUT

michael: what do you do with the bottle? summer: eat it

charlie get haircut! WITH SWORDS. her hair is now like midway down her back so its like, a bit shorter than when she first met everybody silje: do you want this [the hair he cut off]? charlie: UH WHAT WOULD I .. DO WITH IT… silje: …make a rope? charlie: yknow what i might as fucking well, who knows if id need spare hair

penn: i dont think taure is horny tho! summer: ITS OK, SILJE IS HORNY ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US

michael: Sieron, Str of 10- action hero Thorne, str of 14- twink nyx: silly, str of 13- cat solar: i guess thorne is a hunk. michael: thorne is a twunk summer: the t in thorne stands for twunk

taure, extremely drunk and sad: CHARLIE IM SORRY I MADE YOU BURN DOWN THAT LIBRARY (sieron and thorne carried her to bed and she ended up apologising a whole lot about literally everything)

jorb/sieron wants to know if charlie’s hair has any lingering wild magic nonsense!

thorne’s staring out the window! and also discord kept censoring solar when they were trying to say that THIS ENTIRE AREA IS WITHIN THORNE’S RANGE. solar: i could shoot someone at the thundering boar tavern [from our tavern] jorb: [as thorne] WRONG TAVERN, IDIOT!

solar called soldier:76 a cornfucker and it blindsided me so hard

michael: silje cottonwood, dark edgy blood hunter. [flops over on camera] NOTICE MEEEEEEEE

WE’RE NOW MAKING NONSTOP FORT DRAAVOS PUNS. i had to go clean pepper’s litter and when i came back they were STILL GOING

thorne pets silje on accident bc silje ws doing an anime squat on the balcony’s railing and is now having a crisis of “is it appropriate to pet the furry?” AND ALSO SILLY IS VERY SOFT

jorb & michael: [say something cursed] summer: [looking around frantically] I DONT HAVE AN IMPROVISED WEAPON solar: Allow Me. [brandishes baseball bat on camera]

#leo chirps #txt #summer.txt #dnd #explorers of arvus

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evenstevensranked · 7 years

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#46: Season 3, Episode 14 - “Dirty Work”

This episode was pretty popular. Ren and Principal Wexler have a falling out after she starts to realize he assigns her all of his “dirty work.” So, Larry Beale ends up temporarily taking over as Wexler’s student assistant. Petty drama ensues. Meanwhile, during the plot everyone remembers: Louis decides to start his own "Lumberjack Club" as an excuse to slack off in school. Where all they do is hang around, speak with semi-hillbilly accents, eat pancakes and wear flannels.

Let me start off by saying... To this day, people fondly remember the Lumberjack Club as if it were some major thing, but in reality it was only a (very) small subplot. That’s crazy to me. I did my research, and this Lumberjack Club plot resonated with people so much that students were directly inspired to start their own Lumberjack Clubs at school irl. I’m not joking. Here are some more examples.

All of these clubs have basically the same mission statement as Louis’ and were formed in the Early 2000s. This alone made me feel like I should rank the episode much higher for “iconic” points. Buuuut, this was never one of my personal favorites *gasp!* and that’s outweighing a lot of things for me. So, please know that I had an extreme internal struggle when deciding where to put this one. I was originally going to rank this around #59-55. But, I didn’t think that was fair enough to the ~cultural impact~ it made, and decided to put it here at #46. That being said… let’s get into it.

This one opens with Coach Tugnut driving up to his school parking spot singing “‘cause I got a brand new suit, and pair of shoes to match! I wish I had a mustache—“ before he gets cut off by Ren. I just felt like those lyrics were worth sharing honestly. She tells him that Wexler has ordered his parking spot to be moved a block and a half away from the school. We find out the reason why when Wexler comes driving up in a new red convertible. He wanted that spot for himself. Idk why Wexler needed Tugnut’s spot though? Surely he has his own prominent spot? He asks Ren to look into some “Lumberjack Club” he came across while looking over the school budget.

What is up with Ren’s pants, btw? This outfit always bothered me. When I was young I always thought they were, like.. freaking Louis Vuitton pants or something, lol. I mentioned before that her wardrobe starts to include loud patterns and gives off an overall “older” and stuffy vibe towards the end of the series.

The camera pans over to Louis and Twitty, who are accepting and signing off on a syrup delivery. They recycle their code names (Lars Honeytoast and Frenchie Von Richter) from an earlier episode in the series when accepting the order. The delivery man refers to Twitty as "Mr. Honeytoast." This is such a small thing that’s easy to miss, but it’s awesome and top notch casual continuity! I really like it.

It’s “New England’s Finest” syrup. I’m from Boston. This pleases me, tbh.

It cuts to Lumberjack Club! Where Louis, Twitty, Tawny and Tom are cooking pancakes and celebrating the fact that they’ve upgraded their syrup to premium quality, lol. “Lumber Tawn” asks “Lumber Lou” (yes, these are the nicknames they’ve given themselves) to tell them how he came up with the idea for the club again. Louis goes on to tell the story of the club’s origins. The hillbilly accent really kicks in now, accentuated by bluegrass music in the background. He starts off by saying “Well, ‘bout two weeks ago, when yous kids was much younger… everyone was siiignin’ up for cluuuubs.” That is one of my favorite lines though. Not gonna lie. He explains that anyone could get money to form a club as long as they got 50 signatures. So he decided to create a Lumberjack Club after remembering his “deep and loyal love for the pancake.” Incredible.

Dat face tho.

Right about now is when Ren comes walking in, finding the four of them toasting to The Lumberjack. (See first image.) She grills them about what kind of club they are and what sort of things they do. Louis starts pulling crap out of his butt saying “We sing Lumberjack Songs.” Ren asks them to sing one and it’s great. None of them are in sync. They’re all making stuff up off the top of their heads and clashing miserably. The best part is Tom -- who’s repeatedly saying "Wood... Wood... Wood..." God bless Tom.

Louis says they’re “legit… with a big L!” “…and a small ‘egit’!” Twitty finishes. I feel like this is worth mentioning because one of the real-life clubs’ requirements for joining is that you have to “be legit.” Oh my god. Obviously, Ren vows to shut down the club.

Wexler surprises Ren with her own desk outside of his office. We’re getting into creepy territory again, guys. Wexler makes Ren, a 14-15 year old, do ALL OF HIS WORK while he goes out gallivanting in his new car. Remember when I said that Ren Stevens is basically the principal of Lawrence Jr. High…? Well, this episode really exemplifies that and takes it to a new level. She literally takes over as principal. How is this not illegal?

One of her tasks for the day is to fire the school janitor. Wow. (Fun fact: Jackie the Janitor is played by Knobby Frostybump -- the old elf from the Lizzie McGuire Christmas episode lol) This is the last straw for Ren. She confronts Wexler and quits being his assistant. But much like in Ren-Gate, that doesn’t last long. Over the course of a period, she gets all emo and decides she wants her job back. But, oh no! When she goes back to the office, guess who’s already taken over for her? Larry Beale. Dang, that was fast.

Another lazy name flub happens again here. Larry is polishing his nameplate and it reads "Lawrence M. Beale" when earlier in the series they say his full name on a few different occasions and it's "Lawrence Anthony Beale." I don't understand why something like this is so difficult to remember?! Although, I actually always thought it was weird that Larry's middle name was Anthony because Louis’ full name is Louis Anthony Stevens. Even weirder... The actor who plays Beans is named Steven Anthony Lawrence. What a strange coincidence.

Ren and Wexler are being extremely passive aggressive towards each other while Larry sits there gloating. Out of spite, Ren decides to become Tugnut's new assistant instead. Like he even needs one. It becomes a petty, all out war between the pairs.

It’s Larry’s job to shut down Lumberjack Club now, so he busts into their meeting the next day. I’m pretty sure they’re not even going to class anymore. They hired a marimba player named Nate to entertain them during club meetings — which I think is absolutely hilarious. It might just be because I'm a musician, but any music-related humor kills me. I mean, a MARIMBA PLAYER?! And this dude is such a Jazz cat. It’s great. This is honestly probably my favorite scene in the whole episode:

youtube

So, yeah. Lumberjack Club needs to make an educational presentation in order to stay a thing.

Tugnut is chilling in a lawn chair, eating a burrito and telling his life story (”I thought about moving to Canada, but I don’t speak Canadian...”) while Ren does work on his car. Now she’s a mechanic. This is child abuse, I swear. She’s about to quit as his assistant, but she looks up and sees Larry and Wexler blissfully driving around in his convertible. She gets jealous and keeps working for Tugnut. These student/teacher relationships are so, so strange and not appropriate. Let’s be real...

Anyway, the whole assistant war thing starts to come to an end when it becomes obvious that Ren is much more qualified and has a better relationship and understanding with Wexler than Larry does. Larry royally messes up as Wexler's assistant and ends up doing a lot of things wrong. Including inviting Wexler’s mother to school, putting nutmeg in his coffee, and forgetting to pay Wexler’s car insurance bill. (Really, what adult would trust a 14-15 year old to pay their bills…)

Louis organizes the most impressive Lumberjack Club presentation ever within a few hours at the most. I do like seeing Louis at least fully see his schemes through, though. So that’s nice, I guess.

It’s like a freaking carnival.

Nate returns as the musical entertainment. I love this guy, lol. Everything’s going well, until Louis and Twitty chop down a tree during a demonstration which falls on Wexler’s car. Ouch. Wexler’s devastated and sobbing, but manages to mutter “Look what they’ve done to my sweet, sweet ride!” through tears. That made me laugh harder than I probably should’ve. Wexler faints when he finds out Larry didn’t send the insurance payment, and nowww Ren is responsible for Wexler’s literal life.

Something always gotta go wrong. Louis was actually sort of pulling this whole Lumberjack thing off.

Wexler could be on his deathbed right now and it’s up to Ren to save him. Wow. “Breathe, Principal Wexler! Breathe!!!”

Turns out Ren sneakily sent out the insurance payment the other day and everything’s fine. The episode ends with Ren becoming Wexler’s assistant again. The end.

So yeah, that’s it. I’m still shocked at how short the Lumberjack Club plot actually is. Pretty crazy how it somehow managed to burn itself into the memories of so many people. I’m also like, 99% positive it was inspired by this Monty Python skit. There’s even a song playing during the school presentation that’s near identical melodically (and lyrically a bit) to the one sung in this skit. The fact that it’s just a subplot also affected my ranking, because I’m not the biggest fan of this episode’s main plot. I love Larry/Ren conflict.. but this situation is just... slightly annoying to me for some reason. ALSO! I realized the other day that I should base my rankings on character development, as well. I’ve actually been doing that subconsciously so far, I think. Barring a few, the majority have been filler episodes basically. No material that actually advances the overall arc of the show. Just random, silly plots -- which makes it difficult for me to really consider it a “good” or “great” episode. And unfortunately, that’s what Lumberjack Club is to me. I’m so sorry. I just love these characters so much, so when there’s little to no character growth in an episode.. it sort of bothers me. I know the show is silly, but there’s a lot of heart there as well. Episodes that have a little meat to them are the ones I’m more fond of.

We’ve officially reached the point in my list where I drew a line separating the lower half from the better half though, guys! The ball’s really rolling now. I’m excited.

Thanks for reading! Were you a Lumberjack Club fan? Did you start your own?! Please, do tell. Haha.

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