shout out to Tom Hanks and the movie A Man Called Otto for FORCING my parents to sit through a story in which an autistic man, an immigrant family, and a young transmasc have happy endings. five stars

#personal

As of five pm today, everything is pretty much under lockdown of some sort.  They keep calling it shelter in place but I’ve been that’s always been reserved for active shooter.  I’ve been through enough drills at work sitting underneath my desk with the lights off to know.  This for me doesn’t actually change much from my normal routine.  Everybody knows I’ve been distant socially for quite some time.  Some might even say I’ve been begging for it.  The slow halt of not dealing with stolen packages or neighbors complaining about the heat is relaxing.  I spent most of the week filling up my messenger bag like I always do.  Just like a scavenger.  I don’t own a car.  It was pretty much stolen from me by my ex.  I don’t look back on any of it.  I just know where I am now.  I spent my day off arranging my office space in my kitchen to be as neutral as possible.  So my laptop camera faces my windows overlooking the train.  Which is also still running and always has been my main form of transportation.  I walk a lot.  I’d ride my bike but my front tire is now flat.  I still run.  Somebody posted some snarky picture of people still running in Central Park out in New York.  It is okay to be outside by yourself.  I think there’s a lot of disinformation from all sides about what is to be done.  America is a shit show like that but a large reason why we enjoy so much freedom.  How I deal with loneliness during this period is a whole other level.  I see people getting on camera, almost like Tom Hanks on that island.  I’ve been there.  I found writing to be the most satisfying catharsis during times of extreme loneliness. Physical connections haven’t always been so rewarding.  People can only impress you as much as they’re capable of understanding your expectations. I don’t have many expectations for society lately.  Which is why my own private space is a bit more rewarding during times like these.  I’ve organized my vinyl.  I exercise in the back room.  Nike Training Club premium is free for the time being so there’s a lot of new workouts to explore.  My cat is a god send.  She’s very smart and has a lot of personality.  I spent a few months understanding how and when she eats.  What she likes to eat.  I subscribed for delivery for all that dodging thieves trying to interrupt my own personal supply chain.  I’m not a business to disrupt.  I am, how you say, human being.  And through a lot of toil and trouble I’ve learned a lot of ways to deal with the small crisis here and there.  This is different and largely catastrophic.  I sit here and think how it impacts most people more than myself.  And I don’t know what to say. I’ve spent years defending my right to be.  And here I am alone on the internet like I always am.  A little less depressing for the record.  A little more in line with the times than most.  A darker future than I expected.  But one that isn’t very hard for me to soldier through physically alone.  Sans my cat and the nighthawk router that looks on track for arrival despite the lockdown officially hits at five.

I don’t think anybody needs anything deep from me right now.  I am ok.  I was at work all last week.  Some of my friends work for the messenger industry so they’re all in right now.  I work in IT.  I told someone that this kind of thing is my bread and butter.  We’ve had remote employees stationed in the ether for years.  I’ve been supporting remote and distance learning for a couple of years as well.  My initial freakout was that people wouldn’t understand this kind of closure.  But people in Chicago have really pulled together to be creative in dealing with these problems.  I just have to be supportive.  I am inexplicably a more front facing person than virtual.  I stopped making these videos of me talking about shoes.  I was only making those to show people I was still alive and had a decent headshot.  Not that I’m an actor.  I think after February I became convinced it’s not about that.  It was subtle just like everything in my life.  When crisis hits and you are just sitting there like you usually do it’s a bit of a shock.  I can’t say that I am in shock.  I can say that I am simply existing.  I have no emotions towards much of anything right now outside of what feels intimate to me.  People are much more afraid than I would be.  Maybe I have reason to be afraid but I don’t have the luxury like many other people.  I still see people riding the train to work.  Arranging expensive salads for people with money shuttered in their condo.  I worry about people not having enough to fulfill basic needs.  The real truth is people have been not having enough even before the plague hit.  You can see it plain as day on the streets of Chicago right now.  Downtown is filled with the homeless.  It has always been filled with the homeless.  One thousand dollar checks are appearing out of nowhere for every American.  I just gave ten dollars to the blind man huddled by the ATM the other day.  Meanwhile people are organizing Bon Jovi sing a longs with their neighbors.  It’s a fucked up thing to see without blinders.  My political filter has all but diminished over the last few years.  I don’t really side with any political party.  Every politician I know got there on a safe padding of millions of dollars.  The message is pretty simple.  Money can change the world and often does.  And the world still finds a way to fuck you over.  This time it’s viral.  And it is a scary reality to think about and have to face.  Many of us have not faced this kind of crisis of mortality on such a large scale.  China already has.  Things do go back to normal once the curve is flattened.  The truth is for the next two weeks my life is a little less stressful in a lot of respects.  Nobody wants to be following me around.  Everybody wants six feet between them at all times.  I’ve been asking that for years.  Now my wish is granted.  Thank you Wishmaster.  I think.

I think being alone is a great gift.  They say you are born alone and die alone. I don’t know if I’m that goth to believe that totally.  But being alone is kind of like being at neutral.  If you work on yourself enough, being alone can be much more satisfying than being around people with lower standards for themselves.  I distanced myself three years ago when I quit drinking.  I can’t find toilet paper to save my life but the liquor section at the grocery store is fully stocked.  That doesn’t really help my ass.  I used to drink alone often.  It is such a horror show to reflect on.  I couldn’t be comfortable with my own thoughts.  I know in retrospect it wasn’t my thoughts.  It was my inner self desperately trying to motivate me to be something better.  My inner self spent a lot of time after getting to a balanced state lashing out at the rest of the world.  The last three months I’ve been so full of hate and vitriol at what the world has already put me through.  Was it all just some big test?  If it was it feels like I passed.  And yet the reality is still out there.  How much longer will this go on?  For us two weeks.  For the school systems through the 20th of April.  For my jury summons on April sixth we will see.  I’ve been all over the world at this point.  Korea, Japan, China, New Zealand, New York and what have you.  After all this it is nice to say that when the world breaks, I can still play it safe in my kitchen.  My house is empty but spacious.  It’s the first time in awhile where every room is being utilized.  I’ve organized my things over the last two years that it breathes.  Between plumes of smoke outside of office hours.  It’s kind of a mind fuck to have to work from it officially when I’ve been on call the entire year.  Answering emergency calls from my kitchen while I cook dinner.  That part I’m not really worried about.  Not having to commute twenty minutes for a couple of weeks isn’t rough.  I’ve worked out my own supply chains despite subterfuge and targeting.  Emerging from this for me won’t be much of anything at all.  And the thought does haunt me that everything will turn back to normal and I will be forgotten once again.  For the record I don’t feel that way right now.  I feel relived that I can finally be in my own element.  My sanity is online one hundred percent.  So is my Diablo 3 Season Twenty character.  My love for that is eternal.  My love for you still burns.  Not virally.  You already know who I practice my social distance for.  If you don’t maybe mind your own.  I promise it’s worth your time.  It turned out pretty ok for me.  Until next time.  Wash your fucking hands.  <3