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occasionalfics · 6 years

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Christmas Cheer (Thor X Reader)

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For @warriorsacrifice: “Thor's s/o and him spending Christmas together and they decorate the house and tree as well as eating cookies and watching movies? Then she tells him about Santa and he's all giddy?”

A/N: I actually loved writing this? I know it’s...not at all the right season but I don’t even care? And if you know anything about me, you should know that I’m a hopeless romantic so of course I had to work mistletoe into this! Also, I’m Jewish so...I based most of this off of what I’ve done with friends for Christmas and/or things I’ve seen in movies (legitimately) and read in books. I...think I got things accurate, but I’m not gonna pretend like it’s all perfect.

Oh and yeah Elf is my favorite Christmas movie. Because, “The best way to spread Christmas Cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” And also because “Smiling’s my favorite!” AND “Bye Buddy! Hope you find your dad!” AND Zooey Deschanel singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

Warnings: Nothing, super cute and fluffy!

Words: 2,524

Normally you went home for the holidays, but this year, your parents had decided to go on a Cruise instead of hosting Christmas at their house. That ended up being for the better, you thought. You wanted to spend Christmas with Thor, but you weren’t sure it was time for him to meet your family yet. You’d only been dating a couple of months, and you knew family could be something of a touchy subject for him. You didn’t want to rush anything, so you decided to decorate your apartment and host a mini-party for just the two of you.

He stayed over the day before Christmas Eve and helped you decorate the living room. You already had your tree up - it was one of the fake ones that fit on top of a table, given how small your space was - but you’d saved a few ornaments for him to place on it. He studied each ornament closely, asking questions about the details like, “This is that Queen from Alderaan, right?”

You nodded. “Princess Leia,” you told him, unwrapping the last ornament from the bubble wrap you kept around the breakable ones.

“Your favorite,” he said, a proud smile on his face as he placed the Leia ornament over one of the small branches.

“That she is,” you said, handing him the final ornament. “Doesn’t hurt that you kinda remind me of her.”

Thor took it as a compliment, like it was meant. He beamed, probably remembering the last time you’d made him watch the original Star Wars trilogy. You weren’t totally unconvinced that Leia wasn’t his favorite, too, although he always said it was Chewbacca.

That night, you watched It’s A Wonderful Life. It was your mom’s favorite movie and a Christmas tradition. Thor paid attention the whole time, waiting until the end to ask, “Is that really a thing Midgardian teachers say? About the angels?”

You laughed and shook your head. “Not anymore, anyway. It’s just...a nice line in the movie, I guess.”

He hummed his response as the end credits rolled. As the DVD menu came up, he said, “I know George Bailey had to go through all of that to learn his lesson, but I must say, I don’t think I agree.”

You turned to him and asked, “How so?”

“Wishing that he’d never been born? How could he ever expect that his friends and family would be better off without him? His wife was so lonely…”

“She wasn’t his wife if he’d never been born,” you said, giving him a somewhat sad smile.

“Yes, but that’s my point! Life happens as it’s meant to. Tempting fate by reversing time is dangerous. And, in George’s case, selfish.”

You nodded. “But you said yourself he had to do it to learn.” You tilted your head and watched his serious face. “Are you telling me you’d never go back and change even just one thing that happened before today?”

He paused, then shrugged. “A life lived without regrets is a life lived without growth. That’s why I love that cartoon about the mouse who cooks,” he said, his smile widening just a bit.

You laughed at that. “He’s a rat. They’re bigger, and they tend to be more highly stigmatized.”

“Right. But I meant that that movie deals with mistakes and failure in a much healthier manner,” he said. “But I assume it’s not meant to be a movie viewed during Christmas?”

“It’s more of an anytime movie,” you said. “But I do have one you might like more. It’s a comedy, and Santa Clause is in it!” You got up off the couch and went to your movie collection to find Elf. You changed the discs in your player, then sat back beside Thor and watched his face change from contemplation to elation. Oh yes. He was going to love Elf.

He spent the next morning going over all of the jokes he’d loved from the previous night. “And Mr. Narwhal?” He nearly bent over laughing. “‘Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad!’” he said in an exaggeratedly light tone before placing his palms on your dining table to hold himself up. “You were right. I quite liked that movie!”

“The man who plays Santa in it is also in Up. you remember that one, right?” you asked, pulling more decorations out of the bin on the table. You had garlands and a wreath, jingle bells and holly all laid out, but you were digging for your mistletoe. You had one little (fake) branch that you wanted to keep out of Thor’s sight so you could hang it up later and surprise him, but you couldn’t remember where you’d put it.

“Of course I remember!” he said, reminding you that you’d asked him a question. “And you know, now that you mention it, I can hear the similarities in their voices.”

“He’s Ed Asner. Super snarky on Twitter. I love him.” You handed him a garland and some tape, then showed him where it should go and how to properly hang it so the tape wouldn’t ruin the shiny material or your paint job.

You opened Spotify on your phone and placed it in your speaker-dock so you could listen to Christmas playlists while you worked. Eventually, you found your mistletoe at the bottom of the bin. You told Thor you were just going to the bathroom, but really you went into the bedroom and hid the mistletoe in your bedside table.

That night, you and Thor made cookies (from scratch, because you found an easy sugar cookie recipe online) for Santa, which, of course, you had to tell him all about. “It’s just a little snack while he leaves presents under the tree. You know, because leaving presents in every house all over the globe is really rough work and everything.”

“This is what you tell the children, right?” he asked. “I may not be from Midgard, but I do know that not everyone here recognizes this Santa Clause, nor does everyone celebrate Christmas.”

You knew he meant well, so you sighed and nodded as you mixed ingredients together. “Yes, Thor.” You flashed him a smile so he’d know you weren’t put off by his question. “Santa’s mostly reserved for kids. It’s still fun to make the cookies and eat them in the middle of the night to make it look like Santa did it instead.”

He placed parchment paper along a baking sheet and nodded in time with the music you still had playing. “I think Santa’s quaint,” he said, seeming genuine as his smile remained. “Although it is a little odd that so many people just accept a jolly round man slipping in and out of their homes for a night.” He pushed the baking sheet over to you before covering a second. “Still, it’s nice to have a unifying figure in whose honor we’ll eat these tonight!”

You laughed as you started to place little lumps of dough on the sheets.

While the cookies baked, you sat and watched more movies together. You put on Nightmare Before Christmas first, telling him that yes, it was both a Halloween and a Christmas movie and it had always meant to be both. Right after Jack made it to Christmas Town, you excused yourself once more to fetch the mistletoe. Then you brought it to the space between your kitchen and bedroom, dragging a chair along your - fortunately - carpet to stand on. You pinned the mistletoe to the ceiling so it hung facing down, then you put the chair back and even took the extra measure of flushing your bedroom toilet to make it sound like you’d been in there the whole time.

Thor didn’t say anything until the end of the movie. You barely missed him checking over his shoulder toward the bedroom, so you panicked, trying to keep the mistletoe a surprise as long as possible. You launched yourself across his lap, drawing his attention back to you.

“Do you need something?” he teased, and when you looked back and up at him, you saw he was smirking.

“I just…” You tried to think of something convincing to say, but all that came out was, “my legs were cramping.” You let your shins fall against the arm of the couch and tried to smile at Thor.

He rose his eyebrows and asked, “You’re sure this doesn’t have anything to do with the mysterious plant you’ve hung from the ceiling over there.” He pointed back at the mistletoe, his smirk widening.

Your head fell forward and hit the couch cushion next to him as you groaned. Of course he’d heard you put the thing up. He’d probably peeked then, and you hadn’t even noticed! You really should’ve gotten your step stool out instead of dragging a chair all the way across the room if you’d even thought about it a little bit.

Thor just laughed, though. He tapped one of your butt cheeks lightly, and you tried to bring your heel up to smack him in the shoulder, but you didn’t bend quite far enough. You ended up just kicking air, which Thor laughed at as well.

“Alright, alright,” you said, pushing yourself up off the couch. You slid from his lap and stood up. “C’mon. I suppose I have to explain the mysterious plant hanging from the ceiling.” You held a hand out to him, knowing he didn’t at all need assistance in standing. Still, he took your hand in his and then followed you around the couch and over to the mistletoe. You took a deep breath as he looked up at the plant, and then you dived in.

“Okay, so this is called mistletoe. It’s actually a parasite in nature, but this one’s fake anyway. It’s a Christmas tradition for two people to stand beneath it and share a kiss.” At that, he looked down at you, but he didn’t say anything. “I think that has something to do with it being used as a sign of fertility in ancient civilizations. Although, closer to you,” you pushed one pointer finger into his chest playfully, “it’s more of a sign of peace among enemies. So, I guess it’s generally just a unifying symbol of...mutual respect or something. Affection, in the case of Christmas.”

You pulled your phone out of your back pocket and checked the time, then smiled. You’d timed this almost too perfectly. “Which, by the way, is happening now.” You shoved your phone back, then put that hand around the back of Thor’s neck. You stood on your tiptoes and brought him down to you at the same time, and then you shared your first Christmas kiss with him.

He kept it short and sweet, pulling his lips back without moving anything else. His blue eye locked on yours as he said, “Merry Christmas, (Y/N).”

You pecked his lips once before returning, “Merry Christmas, Thor.”

You woke up early to put out a handful of presents beneath your tiny tree. Thor had placed some there when he’d first come over, so you had an idea of how many gifts to expect - not that the number mattered, really. It was just that he would wake up and see even more beneath the tree and, just maybe, understand what getting presents from Santa might feel like. All he had to do was suspend disbelief.

You added the final touch to the room quickly: you hung up the stockings you’d made weeks ago. Two red and green stockings went on the wall above your TV; one had your name on it and a few little glittery decorations, and the other said Thor with lightning made of glitter and glue all over. When you were satisfied with their placement, you went back to the bedroom and jumped onto the bed.

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty!” you practically yelled, shoving Thor hard because you knew he slept like a rock. “It’s Christmas morning!”

He groaned, but when you shoved him again, he laughed and said, “Fine, alright! I’m awake!” He turned toward you, his hand going to the back of your neck so he could pull you down for a kiss like you had last night below the mistletoe.

You only let him kiss you for a few minutes before you pulled his hand down and tried to get him out of bed. “C’mon! We have to go see what Santa left you!”

He laughed, and you knew he’d go along with whatever you told him today. You were finally able to get him out of bed, then you dragged him into the living room to show him the tree. He did, indeed, remark that there were more presents beneath it than there had been last night.

“I told you Santa was magic,” you said, squeezing his hand in yours. You picked up the first present you wanted him to open, then gave it to him before going to grab some chairs to bring over to the tree. You opened presents one at a time, leaning over to kiss and thank one another in between.

Thor had gotten you a scar he’d seen you looking at whenever you passed a little boutique uptown, a copy of a movie you always talked about (he conceded and told you Tony had to help him track it down), and an ancient-looking, though in good condition, book of Scandinavian runes. “I know you like having some books for decoration,” he said. “Though, I do love the idea of you knowing more of what I do.”

You fingered the delicate pages tenderly, looking through the descriptions of the runes without taking in too much information at first. With a huge smile and a few tears in your eyes, you pulled the book to your chest and told him, “This is...really wonderful, Babe. I love it.”

You’d gotten him, among other things, an intricately carved charm of Mjölnir and a silver chain to hang it on. He studied the details in the charm silently for a few minutes, then he looked up at you and beamed. Just like you had with the book, he had tears in his eyes as he held tight to the charm. “Did you make this?” he asked.

You felt a little guilty, but only because you hadn’t made it. You’d found it on Etsy, actually, but you made sure to buy from a Scandinavian shop. You shook your head sheepishly and explained where you’d gotten it, and you noticed that his face never changed. He still looked proud and elated, and it made your heart melt.

“I love it,” he said. He unclasped the chain, then placed it around his neck and clasped it again. The charm hung around his neck when he asked, “How does it look?”

“Perfect, if I do say so myself,” you responded.

He sighed contentedly, then waved for you to come to him. You did, sitting on his lap as his arms wrapped around you. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.” He kissed you quick, then said, “Thank you, (Y/N).”

Tags!

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Thor: @thewayilookatbacon @athorable-and-deanlicous @baileythepenguin @girlwhoisfearless @tegan-eva @mrsdeanwinchester19 @loverofthor @eyesfixedonthesun22 @rishlo @mjolnir-s @multi-fandom-imagines8 @sthorgestavenger @ineffabl-y @warriorsacrifice @pensysto @marvelous-super-soldier @virizona @jumpingmanatee

Drabbles: @athorable-and-deanlicous @esoltis280 @pensysto

#thor x reader #thor odinson x reader #thor drabble #drabbles

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dinoalexander · 4 years

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Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular

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“Bad enough it’s Scott but it’s Comic Sans, so that makes it even worse.” -Nick “Gentlemen... start your whacking!” -Cyndi “PHRASING!” -Jay, Chico, JVG

“As Robert Downey Jr. once said...” -Cindy

“Whenever I see a married couple with a joint Facebook page, I never, ever have any thought other than "I wonder which one of 'em cheated."” -Adam

“Why is Dan Orlovsky talking football and why should I take anything Safetyman says seriously?” -Cyndi

“Okay, you're a billionaire and can easily afford top-of-the-line call girls at $5,000 to $10,000 an hour and you go to a sleazy massage parlor where the women smell like lavender and shame (so I've heard).” -Steve

“My floor is occupied with eggs.” -Gordon

“Quis, your thing is making noise. Can you make it... not make noise?” -C

“I’ve been waiting at the phone for 29 years hoping someone can win this cruise!” -Klaussie

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food. #WelcomeBackToLeague #BowlerCityThievery #CheckingTheCamerasAfterLeague.” -Gordon

“I'm proud to say I only cried five times. Admittedly, once was during the opening credits...” -Prof. O

“Phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Okay, the shirt I was wearing when Liza gave me a slimy hug...I wanted to keep wearing it but I also loved the way the slime stains looked on it, so I waited six weeks to wash it so the slime stains would be totally set in. I just did laundry and there’s not a slime stain to be found anywhere on this shirt. On the one hand, mildly disappointed, but on the other hand, holy crap, Tide just made a customer for life out of me.” -Adam

"Really, you don't go back to the crazy ex-girlfriend. You leave her in the insane asylum." -Rafael Siegel, former Cash Show host

“Don't slap Charlotte in her boobs, you're just making her ANGRY!” -Brian

“Is it bigger than a Bird Box?” -Adam Nedeff’s take on What’s My Line?/Bird Box

“That song Birthday Sex is depressing when it’s your birthday and you have no sex.” -Red

“Politics politics politics Sean Spicer politics politics politics DWTS politics politics politics shimmy shimmy shimmy politics politics politics *tea sip*” -Kimberly

“We may need to add Brie Larson to the "How big is Batista's dick?" question list.” -Dane

“Chico and I not only know that we;re going to Hell, we requested a nice suite, complete with kitchen, spa and bidet, Aaron is coming also. We should have room in the suite for more if you want to join us.” -Gordon

“If Bill Cosby is telling you to get out, get out. Else, you'll get a dinner drink with a special surprise.” -Klauss

“Hey, what’s coming out this May?” -Q “(Incoherent slurring)” -C “Really? Who’s in it?” -Q “Ryan Reynolds, I dunno.” -C

“I feel like Neville Longbottom with a remembrall.” -Amberlee

“Comically oversized shit sells. It's America, bigger is better.” -Jessica

“You’ve heard of salt in a wound or lemon juice on a paper cut... but have you heard of Oxi Clean powder on a fingernail you cut too short? Pro tip: avoid that.” -Coby

“I have an idea.” -Q “OH NO!!!! NOT AN IDEA!!!!” -C

“Truck contains political promises.” -actual septic truck

“Uhh... framing?” -C

“It’s very easy to get friends on these apps if you say you’re a hot chick.” -Gordon

“Woodstock 50 cancelled after organizers determined they can’t make it as hilarious as Fyre Fest.” -Adam

“Age and wisdom divorced decades ago. Stupid people get old too.” -Austin

“They put some extra claps in this.” -C, re: CS2019 theme

“I hope she’s dreaming the biggest, bestest dreams... and I hope she never stops.” -Kathleen, on her new little girl.

“You think it’s awkward buying condoms, try returning them!” -Q

“If Mississippi State wins the Outback Bowl, we all get free Bloomin' Onions. If Iowa wins, we all get free Coconut Shrimp. If that's not reason enough to root for Iowa, I don't know what to tell you.” -Matty

“Full hearts, full stomachs, can’t poop.” -Evil Travis

“That's it. Officially referring to my boobs as my "small turkeys".” -LiyaZee

“More phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Tried watching pre-debate coverage, but the phrase "brutal Darwinian logic of winnowing" sent me back to Press Your Luck.” -Heather

“...if we hold up a painting of Hurricane Dorian, will it die?” -Amberlee

“Hey Cindy... you married that.” -C

“Literatively? Okay.” -Gordon

“I plan on going with Chef from South Park's line on that one -- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college."” - Kristin, on “Break Up With Your Girlfriend (Because I’m Bored)”

“Allegiant Stadium. Much like the Raiders... A WORK IN PROGRESS.” -C

“Nobody could sing like Milli Vanilli… But let’s be fair neither could they.” -Brian

“Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH!” -Nedeff’s lyrics to the love theme from “Strike It Richl by Hal Hidey

“In God we trust, all others must provide research-based, peer-reviewed data.” -Aryn

“Go-gurt™: because fuck spoons and decency.” -Sarah Ann

“Like I said ESPN is to the Patriots what FOX News is to the Republican Party.” -Greg

“That is like walking hepatitis.” -Tim DeLaGhetto

“Will there be any trivia questions on your trivia question show?” -Erskine

“I’m a journalism major, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” -BFG

“That’s Right is the Adam Gase of trivia apps.” -Greg

“And yes, Bill Maher does in fact molest collies, and goats...and sheep...and Chicago Bears. 😜” -JVG

“In the words of my dear uncle Paul, ‘Google it, bitch! I’m not here to educate you!’” -Nikki

“You know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?” -Megan “A doctor!” -C

“You can never win an argument with an idiot or an asshole. Idiots don’t know they’re wrong, and assholes won’t even consider the possibility that they could be wrong. You can’t help it if you’re an idiot sometimes, but don’t be an asshole. Just something to think about going into 2019.” -Clint

“No Ganos is good Ganos with Graham Gano.” -Tim

“Enough loonies to fill up the Bank of Montreal.” -Klauss

“In the age of auto correct no less, it makes me shudder when I see the leader of the free world making fifth grade grammar mistakes.” -Q

“You look like who did it and why.” -Mary

“Ow, my check! ... I mean, ow, my neck!” -Big Rick

“This woman on Wheel of Fortune has two grandchildren named Kennedy and Nixon, and I have questions.” -Melanie

“You’re the President of the United States and getting dragged by fucking Burger King. It’s just... wonderful.” -Shannon

“Classy, Like a White House Big Mac.” -Actual team trivia name

“Sex is a mistake 9 out of 10 times.” -Michael

“Who signs the cat?” -Carl

“This feels like an SNL sketch. Where’s Bill Hader?” -Greg

“Yeah! And uh...I played HQ with one of them in a hotel room. Wait, that sounds creepy.” -BFG “More than that. (No, THAT sounds creepy.) You have played online trivia with one of them. Surely you ran into or at least saw others in Vegas.” -Klaussie

the subject: The Jeopardy! All-Stars

“Step 1: Go to McDonald's. Step 2: Order a Shamrock Shake. There, now you don't have to read the article.” -Prof. O via Evil Travis. The question: “How to order a Shamrock Shake.”

Lunch lady: “Hey Dino! Get me a grape soda! I’m thirsty!” C, after an insane amount of giggling: “You said it, not me.”

“Some bitch decided she wanted to be a bitch.” -C

AP headline on Twitter: "Tim Tebow struggling in Triple-A; still a work in progress." GSNN: "Funny -- so was 'Million Dollar Mile'."

“The Bosa brothers = MAGA Gronk. Don't @ me.” -Klauss

“... BASSOON SOLO!!!!!” -Weird Al

Greg: “Crying Game Cereal. A surprise in every box.” (Everyone dies for, like, five minutes) Chico: “... I’m going to HQ.... YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!”

“Aunt Becky has some stupid kids.” -Austin Rogers

“I wanna be 21 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas.” -Sarah Pribis

“Mannnn listen!! It's time to just throw the whole R. Kelly away!!” -Bruce

“By the time all is said and done, I will have been awake for 24 hours.” -C “Rookie.” -G

“Instead of airing new LI episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug

“Well they went over as well as a ham sandwich at a kosher deli.” -Q

“Drop it and get out of here!” -Carl’s boss

“The call is coming from inside the wheelhouse.” -Ullsperger

“I am the Marquis de Asshole.” -Gordon

“Elizabeth Banks’ ass is America’s ass.” -C, with apologies to Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, and Bill Carruthers

“Don't have an iPhone or iPad? Maybe you can beg at the boots of your betters, proletariat scum!” -Megan

“Tom Brady and Bob Kraft shaking hands and whispering into each other’s ear... ‘Hail Hydra’.” -C

Jason (discussing the Masked Singer): “The Hippo was ANTONIOOOOOOOO Brown!” Brian H: So THAT'S how the Madden Curse happened this year.

“Manish Mehta is on 92.3 The Fan right now. My first thought after hearing him for 5 seconds: He sounds like Aziz Ansari as The Bookworm on that SNL GSN show parody a few years ago.” -Klaussie

“Look at me, I’m Sandra Bullock.” -Nick

"That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? TEA DAMMIT!" — LiveJournal user jslayeruk

“Temporary emotions lead to permanent mistakes!” -C

“Tuesday night wasn’t just biscuits. Roy Williams went ahead and got the dirty rice to go with it.” -Adam Lucas after Carolina made State humble, 113-96

“Shaka... when the paywalls fell.” -Kevin

“Barbi Benton... ROLL TIDE!” -Greg

“I love when you ask for recommendations for establishments, services, recipes, products, etc., and people respond with, "Did you Google it?" Like, Thanks, Karen! I hadn't thought to use the easily-accessible, number one search engine in the world before! I'm totally not looking for recommendations based on actual experience from personal friends who will give me honest feedback, so I'm glad you directed me to Google!” -Cindy

SWSNBN: “Can your cover for me while I eat my sandwich?” C: “Go eat your sandwich.” SWSNBN: “I’ve got nothing going on.” C: “You’ve doomed us all. Go eat your sandwich.”

“If life gives you lemons remember: life was very honest about how many people it'd been with.” -Austin

“Two hours after lunch is still after lunch! BOOK SAY SO!” -C

“Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right, three rights make a left, and I’m Kyle Serra, quiz responsibly.” -Kyle

Q: “The answer fell into the pizza!” C: “Well now not only is it correct, it’s delicious.”

“Tom Brady just got the sixth stone. Half the NFL is about to vanish.” -Nikki

“I’m Max Essodus and I’m leaving!” -Klauss

“Chuck Todd is a bowl of Jello with a bad goatee and a shitty hair cut.” - @PhillyLocalGuy

“Leonard Frey! Leonard Frey! Anytime you call, Leonard will take care of you! Winter, Spring and Fall!” -Chico

“I THINK I’M BREAKING EVERY FCC RULE IN THE BOOK!” -Kevin Harlan calling two NFL games at the same time

“Horrible news to report, Baby Yoda has died after Myles Garrett beat the shit out of him with a helmet.” -Barry McCockiner

“The Yankees are like Roman Reigns: they’re good, everybody still hates them, and they always kick out of your finisher shm” -Mike Janela

“My nightmare is being stuck working for a guy that looks like Chris Cillizza” -@ChadShartman

“Mel Gibson/Rothschild casting is most inspired decision since Richard Spencer was chosen to write the screenplay for the new Frederick Douglas parody bio pic.” – Josh Marshall

“OOOOH! A LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY!” - Chris Jericho

“Minecraft? HELL NO!” -Amberlee at RewardTheFan on Minecraft RewardTheFan

“109876543210, Happy New Year!” – Kyle @ Trivia Crack

“LYDIA CORNELL IS NOT A BIMBO!” -Mike

Tony Stark: “Hey, you said one out of fourteen million, we'd win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Doctor Strange: “If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.”

America, let me just tell you something, do not commit crimes with checks.” –Charles Barkley

“I bet George Halas and Pop Warner are up there now coaching Angels in the Heaven Bowl.” –Cord Hosenbeck

“The director saw Green Book and was inspired to make a bigger disaster of a movie about race.” –From the IMDb Trivia Page for Loqueesha

“Drew Brees and Harry Styles fighting over a Pepsi is Peak 2010s.” -Chico

“The aging app? I didn’t know there was an app that helped Mike Maccagnan make his freaking draft picks!!!” -@DAitken90

“For all the notes and stats FOX gave out, they missed that this was the very first post-season game in history where two wife-beater closers gave up two-run home runs in the 9th.” -Ken Levine

Chico: “Man, Bowzer ruined this!” Mike: “Just like the second half of the show Bowzer ruined this!”

“Amazon Suggestion for David Pecker: Because you considered “Blackmailing the Richest Man Who Ever Lived,” we recommend you “Get an Orange Jumpsuit.” –Stephen Colbert

“When in doubt, choose Helium!” –Megan

“They should make a Mistress Pac-Man. Ghosts chasin’ her around the apartment Pac-Man rents for her, eatin’ all the strawberries and chocolates he sends and whatnot. Then the last level Ms. Pac-Man is after her ass like “Oh HELL no that’s MY round yellow man!!!” –George Wallace

“God is a woman and her name is Hailee Steinfeld” -@dakotalanthimos

“I stopped by the Statue of Liberty today, thinking about freedom, and the ability to go for it all.” –Bill Walton at the Pac-12 Tournament in Las Vegas talking about being at the NY-NY Casino

“today marks LaGuardia Airport’s first positive contribution to America.” –Jack Holmes on the end of the Late 2018-Early 2019 Government Shutdown

“BEAT THAT GHOST DICK!” -Matt Richards

Greg: “What if the Monster on The Masked Singer is Michael Cohen?” Mike: “If it is that will almost guarantee there won’t be a second season of The Masked Singer.”

“Roger Clemens tried to smash Mike Piazza’s head with a baseball bat and was still less of an asshole than Curt Schilling.” -@[email protected]

“I love all the diversity in Star Wars. There’s brown people and someone with a Boston accent” -Dani Fernandez

“I don’t care that Brock Lesnar won Money In The Bank, I want to know if Brett Somers won Money In The (BLANK)” -Mike

“Woodrow Wilson even with a stroke was sharper than Donald Trump is today.” –David Frum

“THE JABRONI OF THE JABRONI MOVIE FOR THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDE JABRONI NEED TO HAVE THE MOST EXCELLENT LEADING HEAL TO MAKE THE IRON SHEIK LOOK LIKE THE LEGEND. PROBLEM NOBODY HEAL ENOUGH TO BE THE LEGEND. THIS WAY ONLY PERSON THAT TAKE THE CHRIS HEMSWORTHLESS LOOK LIKE HE THE REAL BABYFACE IS THE LEGEND IRON SHEIK. OTHERWISE THIS MOVIE WORSE THAN THE NOTEBOOK AND WORSE THEN THE JABRONI BETTE MIDLER BEACHES” –The Iron Sheik

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass!” - Scott Lang “That is America’s Ass.” - Steve Rogers “America’s Ass? Are you talking about Tom Villard?” - Mike

“Oh Jesus, it’s Jimmie Walker’s turn!” –Chico

“Where’s the Robert Kraft spa video? I’d rather watch a video of my own funeral.” –Gerard Mulligan

“So, does Jeff Zucker have to completely cause CNN to lose money and get devalued so badly it gets bought out by Comcast for him to replace Vince Russo as “worst Turner Broadcasting hire ever?” -Dane

“I was just researching Mark Russell as a "Whatever happened to...?" He's still alive.” –Matt Jones

“And all of ESPN and FS1’s morning shows are just the worst. People who watch them actually come away dumber for doing so. I don’t understand the appeal of watching idiots on either network yell biased opinions at each other...many of which are lacking context or facts beyond what they see on a caption of a social media post. It’s like going to a comment section and watching arguments.” -Dylan White on the Awful Annoucing Facebook comments section

“Hunter, Kiss my ass.” –Dave Bautista

“The fact that the CEO of twitter can have his account hacked is a blinding indictment of twitter’s security policies. The fact that no one could tell the difference is a blinding indictment of jack himself.” -@ChrisSmith_RSB

“I don’t know anybody who loves or even likes Trey Wingo.” -@SlicedBrett

“A Madea Star Wars” must now be a thing…” –Amberlee

“People are like "the New York Post is bad for that cover, subscribe to the Daily News instead!" as if the Daily News didn't run a screencap of a woman being murdered on it a few years back. They're both pure trash. Neither are better.” -Craig Calcaterra

“Tim Burton’s Dumbo brings out Michael Buffer TWICE to say “Let’s get rrready…for Dumbo!” and I laugh again every time I think about it.” –Ken Jennings

“Who the hell is Dr. Lee Franz?” –Jason H.

“I was in the theater and that moment was revealed and the audience was “OOOOH!” and I just was laughing so hard!” –Ron Burgundy remembering the ending of “The Crying Game”

“Ladies and Gentleman… whatever legitimacy pro wrestling has left literally crawled under the ring.” –Chico critiquing the workrate of Colin Jost

“BANODLES, ARE YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING, YOU SON OF A BITCH?” -MIKE

“Can y'all imagine if the Gremlins and Jason Vorhees both attacked at the same time that would be some difficult shit to deal with anyway talk to you later” -George Wallace

“Trump getting impeached over the Ukraine is a little like Scorsese getting the Oscar for The Departed, but hey recognition is recognition.” -John Ross Bowie

“Alex Trebek is a fixture in the American firmament and we're all behind him. What a great man, so kind to my family and so warm to all of us contestants. Send him your love.” -Austin Rogers

“Rather than bore you with my expansive knowledge of British politics, allow me to comment on more pressing matters: drunken Chris Jericho getting his belt stolen” -Mike Tunison (@xmasape)

“Only ESPN would do a feature on Robert Kraft taking former players to Jerusalem — while he awaits trial for soliciting prostitution in a sex trafficking ring.” -@willgcopeland

“Looking forward to the “In Memory of Jim Cornette’s Career” graphic that will be starting Dynamite.” - Trevor Dame

“Tom Steyer sounds like a guy who airs MLK and Columbus Day ads, where you can get a new Mustang or Fusion for up to $6,000 off MSRP” - BFG

“Eh, what’s her name? Her name Barry Lonson. She’s in da, she won Oscar for the movie “Stuck In The Basement”. Also, she’s in the movie “Kink Kong: He Got Love With Her” but how he make sex with her, she’s young, she’s small and he big. I don’t know?” -Yehya reviewing Captain Marvel

“To this day nobody knows who Ann Risley is.” -Chico

“Heartbreaking: there is apparently no video I can find of this moment, where a robot named "Mr. Scraps" delivered a ball to James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek), who had just arrived in a dry-ice-and-laser-bathed Delorean to throw out the first pitch in "The Biodome". Please enjoy this real quote from the Mariners former VP of marketing: "We named the robot Mr. Scraps, because it looked like a garbage can on wheels. Not exactly what we were expecting, but it served its purpose." [email protected]

MC Cool Cloud: “No union better mess with my family!” Cloud 9 Employee in Training Video: “Oh, MC Cool Cloud, (pats stomach) you’re gonna be the best dad.” Garrett: “I’m sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?” Mateo: “I think he did.” “I’m in shock, Gene. I just talked to my accountant and I found out this guy made 30 grand and I’m working for minimum scale.” -Marty Cohen on MG-HSH Episode #12 “It would be kind of weird for a person named Tammy to be played by Tim Dunigan.” -Mike

“Chico's brain only has so much memory. It's either the capital of Botswana, or something you rambled at 3AM while white-girl wasted. Only one of those nuggets of wisdom is a panty-dropper, and I think we all know which.” -Laura

“So, the audience for SNL seems to be comprised of easily offended Catholics, YouTube “influencers”, and Trump. But Lorne Michaels still thinks he shouldn’t retire? Because if I learned those people watched something I produced, I’d eschew all technology forever and go live in one of those Unabomber log cabins.” -Kevin

“Morning report: The "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd sure gets triggered easily.” -Rick Wilson

“ZIPPERS?!” -Klauss

“We’s considerin’ buddies.” -C

“Automan’s naked and wearing a belt? I don’t get this!” -Klaussie

“You were standing in his crotch!” -Anna

“I am utterly surprised there were no traces of Batman cereal yet Greg's dad made at least 2 appearances.” -Klaussie

“Next time, can you pick a gas station that ISN’T in the middle of nowhere?” -C

“Did Isaac ever deliver cold hard cash direct to your PayPal account? No!” -Greg

“Too many phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Semi-Quotable of the 2010s--Hundreds of quips enter, Adam Nedeff wins because he's funny and he has half of Hollywood under his thumb.” -Klaussie

“You’re not you when you’re thirsty.” -Q, the Double Entendre of the Year

“Nobody ever robbed a convenience store to get sugar money.” -Brandon

“If you're mad at rich peoples kids for getting special acceptance/treatment at college and you aren't mad about all the athletes that get the same thing you're a hypocrite. Ya'll leave Aunt Becky alone.” -Stephanie

“Damn it! I used too much stick.” /Ethan

“And her tights say two cents a dance.” -Kimberly

“Go home, That’s Right. You’re clearly on meth.” -Evil Travis

“I paid $700 for THAT?!” -Klaussie

“Florida is now under a Jim Cantore watch.” -Braden

“Good Brother, but Bad Mother!” -Gordon

“Dude. Even Nike hates Duke!” -D

“For 15 points, Will Smith’s arrogant cousin Hillary appeared in an episode of NBC’s hit sitcom Blossom. Another episode of blossom featured Don Novello playing the role of Father Guido Sarducci, and Father Guido Sarducci also popped up on an episode of Married...With children. Stay with me here. David Faustino’s character Bud Bundy also popped up all the Fox network sitcom Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In another episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Parker crosses paths with grown-up Eddie Haskell, who of course,We all remember from Leave It to Beaver. His next-door neighbors, June, Wally, and Beaver Cleaver were all characters in an episode of the Love Boat. Now there is this other episode of the Love Boat where all of Charlie’s Angels are on board. In an episode of Charlie’s Angels, Dan Tanna shows up from Vega$. But that’s not important right now. Remember when I said Parker Lewis had crossed paths with Eddie Haskell? Well Eddie also popped up on an episode of Hi Honey I’m Home. So did Gale Gordon‘s character Mr. Mooney, who you might remember from the Lucy Show. There’s an episode of the Lucy Show where Lucy crosses paths with Private Gomer Pyle, USMC, who, of course originally appeared on the Andy Griffith show, which was a spinoff of Make Room for Daddy. On an episode of Make Room for Daddy, Danny encounters Buddy Sorrell, one of Alan Brady’s writers on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Alan Brady later appeared on Mad About You, where Ursula was the twin sister of Phoebe from Friends, and Phoebe’s friend Chandler Bing showed up on Caroline and the City, where Caroline draws a popular comic strip that is read and enjoyed by Daphne Moon, the caretaker for Dr. Frasier Crane’s disabled father. Dr. Crane used to hang out at a Boston bar called Cheers, where Norm, Cliff, and Carla encounter Drs. Auschlander & Westphall, but on a landmark 1988 broadcast, we learn that Drs. Auschlander & Westphall never existed and that all of the shows I mentioned in this question are logically the figments of the imagination of Tommy Westphall, Who is the only character who demonstrably existed on what beloved medical drama?” -Adam

“Snapchat Catch Phrase!” -Will & Erinn

“#1800235DEAD!” -...damn near everybody

“Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners.” -Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners

“This tea is delicious.” -Kimberly === Here’s to 2019... Come together, just think of tomorrow.

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