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kaibacorpbros · 4 years

Text

I Just Wanted to Say Hello

Seto checked his watch. He always took note of the time whenever he was dimension sliding. Time was finicky across dimensions of course. But it was still helpful to keep track a little bit at least. He hadn’t been here too long, be he could already tell he was fatigued from the last Slide. It had been a greater leap then he had done in a while. Both the dimension system and himself needed to recharge.

So he stepped into a cafe to kill some time. Get a coffee, maybe even something to eat to recharge before he attempted another Slide, even if he really didn’t feel like it. Pulling up the dimension map he’d been marking all his travels with he idly set a new entry while he waited for his food close by the door. A brief glance around the city and it was easy to tell that this world was placed in the past by quite a few years. If a version of himself existed in this world, he would at least be very young.

What would you like to name this dimension, sir? Lalna, his A.I. spoke softly through the duel gazer.

The bell to the shop interrupted his discreet fidgeting with the markings with settings and details on the map.

“Excuse me,” a lady’s voice huffed.

Seto’s head snapped up, the holograms disappearing. An all too familiar seemingly immortally young face and short black hair greeted him. The face of someone he admired like no one else, one he only now saw in his hallucinations and nightmares.

Mom.

“Deactivate,” he rasped in a low voice. The light of the duel gazer died, and Lalna’s voice faded away.

“Hey, I don’t have all day. Lunch breaks aren’t forever– but you’re one of those actor-types or stage performers, aren’t you?” she said, noting his eccentric state of dress. “I doubt you have that problem.”

She didn’t recognize him. That narrowed down the possibilities slightly…

“O-Of course. I apologize.”

His hands were twitching as he hastily stepped out of the way. All these years and her stern voice still made him feel like he was caught stealing sweets from the kitchen cabinet.

This was unreal. She was right there. Right there. He could reach out and touch her. Hug her. And she didn’t even know who he was.

Either this was a dimension he didn’t exist in, or he had simply not been born yet or was too young to bear any resemblance to him now.

He re-approached her after both their orders had been filled. “About earlier, sorry for the holdup."

She stared up at him from her seat like his face had just turned blue.

"Don't...mention it? At least you didn't get an attitude like most you fancy kid types do."

Ah. Right. He was definitely in the demographic his mother used to get annoyed with all the time back then. Young guys that used to push everyone else around as they saw fit.

Shit. He needed to find a way to stay. To talk to her. Any normal person would have walked away long before this. He had to make something up, and quickly.

"I-- you look familiar. I think I may know your husband,” he noted the ring on her finger. “Not exactly well, per se. I'm a scientist as well, just uh, computer engineering."

She raised an eyebrow at him. Scrutinizing his story most likely. Of all the times, this was one where he actually wished his mom wasn't so damn smart! Although, Seto supposed it did make sense. She probably just saw him as some weird guy who had too much money to invest in what should definitely not be tech of this time. He powers both the duel gazer and disk down and slips them into his coat pocket, taking the seat across from her.

"Ah, some prototypes they've been having me test."

"Huh. Some kind of fancy new mobile phone?"

Right. Bluetooth wasn't even near to being around yet. Seto latched onto that idea and mentally apologized to the real inventor, whoever they were.

“Yes. We hope to create a completely hands-free phone one day.”

Looking like her interest was slightly piqued, his mother took a bite of her sandwich.

“Well, likely won’t see that in my lifetime, but boy would that be nice.”

After a pause, Seto realized she was fishing for a name. “Isono.” It was the first thing that popped into his head. “Nice to meet you.”

“Shigaraki. Chihiro Sigaraki. So what’s a group developing a new fancy mobile phone doing with biologists?”

Mentally he kicked himself. He should have come up with something better than that!

“Ah, well that’s not the only thing we do of course. It’s a fairly new branch honestly, we make lab equipment and such, that’s how I met your husband. It was a brief conversation, but he nearly talked my ear off about his work.”

At the mention of her spouse, the air around his mom changed significantly.

“Oh, that’s him alright. Heh, let me guess did he go on and on about salamander poisons and regeneration?”

A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips.

“Hm. Indeed he did. The one that makes you go blind for about three minutes if it squirts you in the eye?”

“Hahaha, and those idiots time how long effect lasts instead of-- I don’t know, seeking medical help. I know it’s just a little amphibian, but come on. There’s plenty of tiny frogs that can kill you too.”

Seto laughs, the purest one he’s had in a long, long time.

“Exactly! But he’s happy I suppose, so as long as he’s careful I guess.”

“Well, it looks like you absorbed some of what he said. I’ll have to let him know, I’m sure he’d get a kick out of his ramblings actually being memorable to someone. I’m surprised he didn’t mention you. You aren’t exactly ordinary-looking. You always wear that outrageous coat?”

Seto deflated real quick at that, he almost would have fidgeted in his seat if he hadn’t been taught better.

“Ah. Erm. Not always. Just for experiments. Lots of pockets. And uh... my brother designed it.”

Your son.

That made Chihiro pause. Seto guessed she could tell by the way he said it that meant something to him.

“Oh, I see. Well, tell your brother he’s got quite the... imaginative mind,” she said with a small laugh.

A small burst of pride for Mokuba flared in him.

“Thank you. That will mean a lot to him. Truly.”

More than she could ever know.

“So, compter engineering. That’s quite an up and coming field, I’ve heard. How did someone so young as yourself get involved in it?”

Seto really ought to have thought out his cover story better. He made a mental note to properly write one out for any future Dimension travels.

“Er. My true passion is game design. Though my... mentor kind of directed me through engineering and such first and it branched out from there, but it wasn’t exactly, what he had intended.”

Not by a long shot.

“Oh, like those video games? I can’t say I know much about them-- but I do quite like chess and some gambling card games.”

I know, you taught me chess, was what he wanted to say.

“Those too, actually. I do hope to create some fun video games, especially action ones, but I really have an affinity for those trading card games as well, so I plan to do something with those someday as well. Something to bring them to life, you know?”

Perhaps it was because she saw him as another young kid compared to her, wide-eyed with curiosity and awe for the future, but she laughed, though Seto could tell there was no ill-will intended.

“I’m at a loss of how all that stuff works, a bit past my time I’m afraid to say, despite my face looking like a highschooler,” she said with poorly masked irritation.

She tucked her bangs to the side as she finished the last of her meal.

“But all of that sounds very interesting. If it ends up happening I look forward to it. I think you may have something there, Isono.”

Of course he did. And it worked. It earned him billions and brought the company out of the red after the majority of their shareholders bailed when he took over. Placing them back farther up the corporate ladder then they had ever been, soon after everyone was scrambling for a piece.

Yet her simple praise, her belief--

He certainly wished he could have heard those words when he was still in an uphill battle trying to get the company off the ground. The simple words filled his essence with something long lost, now so foreign, something that he wanted to hold onto forever.

He’d been silent for far too long.

“T-Thank you very much, honestly. I... haven’t had anyone say that actually.”

Which was true. No one had supported it like that when Solid Vision was in development.

Only Mokuba.

“Of course, I--”

Her words were interrupted by the beeping of her watch. An alarm. Chihiro muttered a swear under her breath, and Seto could very accurately say that was the only time he’d ever heard her utter such a thing.

“Sorry--I’ve lost track of time, I need to get back to work, can’t give my stuck up boss another mark against me.”

She stood and grabbed her bookbag and headed for the door. Seto nearly knocked over his own chair to follow her out.

The bell rang again as the door closed behind him.

“One of those huh? Keep your head up, things will change. Slowly, but I promise you, they will.”

It was a stupid and weird thing for him to say, Seto knew. But given how much his mother always raged about it, he felt like he needed to say it, even if she didn’t believe him.

She gave him an odd look.

“Wishful thinking you got there, but I certainly hope so. I’ll fight the good fight regardless.”

There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things Seto simply couldn’t. If he explained it all she would understand she would--

Stop.

“Maybe we’ll see each other around sometime? I can have Tatsuya invite you over next time he sees you.”

A silent breath left him as he tried to pin down words, but eventually, his expression fell back into neutrality.

“He- uh, probably won’t. I er, don’t really get assigned there normally. I was filling in for someone who was sick.”

A questioning frown appeared on her face, but Seto could tell she was more preoccupied with worrying about making it back in time.

“But... but maybe we’ll meet again.” Seto extends a hand.

His mother takes it, and he holds on longer then he should. Bringing up his other hand to hold hers, he’s surprised when she doesn’t whack him upside the head for that.

Perhaps it’s something in his eyes.

“It’s been an honor meeting you.”

Truly meeting you.

He regrets pushing so many memories to the back of his head to collect dust and slowly wither away. Yet in that exact moment, he is also reminded of why he did that. They’re on borrowed time.

Bewilderment crosses his mother’s face, and he can see the gears turning-- perhaps somehow she did know the person in front of her? But that was impossible.

“Thanks? Heheh.”

There’s an awkward laugh. She doesn't think him a creep, but she knows something isn’t right, but she can’t put her finger on it.

“In that case, Tatsuya and I will keep a lookout for you in Domino. It’s been very nice to meet you too.”

She pulls away and disappears down the stairs of the closest subway entrance.

Seto should forget about this dimension. Forget he was ever here. Bury it all again. The past is dead.

But it isn’t the past here. This was his parents’ present. And perhaps there was still time before this world’s Seto existed if there would be one. And if there wasn’t... there couldn't be any true harm, could there?

He needed to stop thinking like that. Forget about this place. Forget again. Forget. Forget. Forget.

He powers up the dimension system again.

Lalna continues where it left off. What would you like to name this dimension sir?

“Greed.”

#(do not reblog)#(aaaaaaa this turned into a mOnster of a fic jfc i should just post it as a fic on ao3)#(likes and comments are encouraged though!)#(tbh after all this i'd cry of joy if you heart it)#(feel free to scream about this to me in my inbox im/etc)#(i'd love it)#KC files [Lore]#lore #legacy [drabbles]#drabbles #(posting at o'ass o'clock)#v; divided

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ticklishhpickle · 6 years

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Worth The Whisk (4/?)

Summary: When superhero Dan Howell gets paired up with fellow hero and arch nemesis Phil Lester for an important mission, he’s pissed beyond belief. But as the two are forced to work together to take down the evil Dr.Bickletwist, Dan finds Phil might not be as awful as he first thought… (Phan superhero AU)

Previous Chapter

Ao3 link

Dan was walking down the hallway with Tyler, dreading the mission ahead of him. He’d spent the whole weekend studying the papers the commander had given him and it was safe to say he was extremely well-prepared for the mission of hell with a certain black-haired man. Phil had interrupted him many times too, turning up to his and Tyler’s dorm, obviously in a panic and asking Dan about the tiniest , most insignificant details about Dr.Bickletwist. Dan was all for being well-prepared for the mission, but being enemies with Phil, it was just annoying.

The last time Phil had ‘visited’ Dan had kicked him out abruptly, slamming the door in his face seconds before hearing Phil swearing his revenge on the boy. Dan guessed it was kind of his fault for doing that, it would just serve to make the next day, or days, or weeks- however long it would take to defeat the villain- even more awkward.

“Excited for your mission, whiskorino?” Tyler chirped, in a suspiciously happy mood considering his best friend was leaving on a potentially life-threatening mission.

“No. To the nickname and your question. Of course not. Phil and I had another fight yesterday so it’s going to be even more awkward now! I literally cannot wait until this whole thing is over and Bickle is behind bars where he belongs.” Dan huffed, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, why are you in such a good mood? Aren’t you gonna miss me?” Dan asked teasingly, though secretly he was insecure about the fact that Tyler might not miss him as much as he was going to miss Tyler.

“Oh, of course I’ll miss you. I’m just really happy you’re gonna get to go on this mission of a lifetime! You’re gonna go down in history, Dan! You’ll be as well known as the Ocean Liner himself!” Tyler exclaimed, his blue eyes lighting up excitedly.

“Yeah, as if. No way someone like me could ever be as good as the commander. But I appreciate the sentiment, Tyler. I’ll try and make you proud.”

“Well I think not, but okay. And you will make me proud, as long as you try.”

The two friends walked for a couple seconds in comfortable silence, finally reaching the spot Dan was meeting Phil and the commander before Tyler stopped suddenly and grabbed Dan’s arm.

“Wait! Before you go, I have something for you. The first, is a piece of advice. Don’t let your hatred for Mr. Sunshine get in the way of the mission. There’s no way you’ll be able to do this alone, as great as I think you are. You have to work together.” Tyler said, all traces of the usual humour and jovialness gone from his face.

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. He’d heard this a million times before, it was getting old and no one seemed to understand that Phil was well, kind of an ass.

“No, Dan. Listen to me. I don’t want you to ignore me on this, I hate being serious almost as much as you do but you need to take my advice.”

Dan looked at his friend’s face, feeling ashamed of his admittedly immature behaviour.

“Alright, fine. I’ll keep it in mind. And what’s the second thing?”

A huge grin spread across Tyler’s face, replacing the stern look that was previously occupying it. His hands twitched in excitement.

“Oh ho ho, mister Howell. You’re gonna love this.” Tyler reached into his pocket, felt around for a few seconds and extracted something small that he kept covered with his hands before bringing it to Dan’s face.

Tyler opened his hands like a clam.

“TA-DA!!!” he giggled, studying Dan’s face intently for a reaction.

Dan’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor and his eyes widened in rage or shock- he wasn’t really sure which, probably a mixture of both. Insider Tyler’s soft baby hands lay a teeny-tiny whisk on the end of a thin silver chain, shining innocently in the bright lights of the corridor.

Dan looked at Tyler with a face straighter than Tyler (and Dan’s) sexuality. He took a deep breath in to calm himself, and then breathed out. He looked at the ground, refusing to meet Tyler’s excited gaze.

“Tyler, you’re literally half a whisk joke away from me leaving your gay ass behind and getting a new best friend.”

Tyler scoffed.

“Yeah, good luck with that one, your equally-as-gay ass is as intolerable as mine. And I promise you this whisk-lace is not just for aesthetic appeal. It has a function too.” “I’m actually bi but whatever… Tell me what the function is then, if you want me to actually keep it.”

“All I’m gonna say Danny, is that they don’t call me the Flame-ingo for nothing. And you’ll regret it if you don’t bring it with you, trust me. But only use it in an ABSOLUTE emergency, you hear me?” Tyler poked Dan’s chest sternly, smiling gleefully.

“Ugh, fuck it. I’m already going on this stupid fucking mission with Lester, could wearing this whisklace really be any worse than that? I managed to escape one shitty name from hero school, I guess the universe wasn’t kind enough to let me escape my actual hero name.” Dan sighed and took the necklace from Tyler’s hand, making sure to put it on backwards so that it would be hidden by his cape.

“Oh, you mean ‘Dani snot on fire?’ I remember that! No one even said it correctly by the third week of year eight! Who even thought of that dumb name?”

“Uhm, it may have been me…” Dan admitted sheepishly.

Tyler nearly cried out in shock and delight, but Dan quickly put a hand over his mouth to stop any sound from escaping.

He looked around before lowering his voice to a small whisper. “Look, I don’t tell a lot of people, or anyone really, this. But as you know, my lesser known power is that I’m immune to burns and fire, so I thought it would be… cool to, you know, call myself ‘Dan is not on fire’. It was an ironic thing, really, and I was twelve but it took so damn long to shake off that name. It still haunts me to this day.” Dan cringed at his old self.

“Anyway, you are never to speak of this to anyone. If anyone asks, you still have no idea who thought of that dumb-ass name.”

Tyler was red in the face, clearly trying to hold back a dramatic fit of giggles. “Mm-hm!” he squeaked out, his voice being muffled by Dan’s hand.

“Now swear you’ll never speak of this to anyone. This is my darkest secret. I memed myself over.” Dan looked Tyler in the eyes sternly and lowered his hand off Tyler’s mouth cautiously.

“Okay, whisk-o. I won’t. But you can’t forget about the whisk. Just promise me that, okay?”

“Okay, I won’t. Thank you Tyler, for everything really. And if I don’t come back-”

“No! Don’t say that, you will!” Tyler rebuffed dramatically, not wanting to believe it.

“Tyler, it’s a possibility. If Dr.Bickletwist twists me over, just know that I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me, despite your excessive whisk jokes. Thank you.” Dan smiled at Tyler before putting the code into the door and walking out.

“You’re welcome! Come home soon, I’m nothing without my number one whisk-a-roo!” Tyler joked, but Dan could see the tears welling in his eyes.

Dan quickly ran back to his friend, wrapping him in a hug. “This is stupid, we know I’ll be fine. I’ve been on so many missions before. I’ll come back soon, we’re being ridiculous. That bickle is no match for me.” He squeezed Tyler tighter in the hug.

“You’re right, I’m just really emotional because I think Louise’s period is coming soon and-”

Dan looked at his friend quizzically.

“You know that shouldn’t really affect your body, right? Just Louise’s.”

“O-oh. Um, I knew that.” Tyler sniffled.

“If you say so, Tyler. If you say so.” -

It had taken Dan a good few minutes to pry the flaming homosexual off of him, causing him to be a little late for take off. The commander was not happy.

“Daniel, I hope you know this is your second strike for tardiness. When i set a time for you to leave for a mission I expect you to be there at that time, not fifteen minutes after.”

Dan shrunk into himself, embarrassed that he’d let it happen again. It wasn’t his fault though, Tyler was literally clinging to him like a limpet.

“Sorry, it won’t happen again. Tyler had a little trouble saying goodbye… he’s very attached.” Dan said sheepishly.

“Well you and your boyfriend are going to have to find a way to be apart for a couple of days if you actually care enough to defeat Dr.Bickletwist, Dan.” Phil spat out saltily, particularly enunciating the word ‘boyfriend’ with venom.

Dan narrowed his eyes at Phil for what was probably the billionth time in his existence. “He’s not my boyfriend and even if he was he’s allowed to be upset that I’m leaving for a while even if it’s not going to be that long.”

Phil opened his mouth to retort but the commander stopped him.

“Daniel, Philip, I think it’s time you two stopped acting like children and starting acting like the heroes I’ve trained you to be. We don’t have time for your childish bickering.” The commander’s voice was sharp and cold, shutting the both of them up immediately.

The commander smiled when the silence was sustained after a few seconds. “Good. Now take these. They have everything you need in them.” The commander handed Dan and Phil identical compact purses. They did look small, but Dan knew they would probably carry fifty times the amount they looked like they should. The Ocean Liner was good at what he did.

“Don’t complain about the design. It looks great and you know it. Now off with you two.”

Dan awkwardly stuffed the purse into his pants, making it look like he had a hernia. He didn’t bother to fix it, today was already way too long and tiring.

The two men walked to the take off zone as slowly as the Ocean Liner would allow, which was not very slow at all. Dan looked down at his feet, up at his commander and finally directly at Phil. He exhaled slowly before hovering in the air. This was going to be his longest, hardest mission yet. An indefinite amount of time spent with his enemy was the last thing he wanted, or quite frankly needed at the moment, but he was going to have to do it. It would be worth it. Worth it for justice.

Next Chapter

#phan #phanfiction #enemiestolovers

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thetoolswetook · 5 years

Text

14/5/19

Closed curtains Cold clothes and Old routines I’ve been dancing in your traffic God And The Machine The greatest mistake of my life Was saying goodbye To you I’m cheating on myself with you I’ll be fine Acting like I’m fine All the fucking time I hate myself for thinking the things I never say But ——— it never feels the same Just paint those scars and forget it ever happened If only to make my ghost a martyr A Box Full I spent all my life Learning my lines Only to find I’m stuck with stage fright Heights of heaven / Depths of hell I had a dream that was a different life, Everything else was different But you and I the same Overthinking Day drinking Drugs Or Love Are you going to walk slow for the whole of your life? Burned to death looking for your shade I’ve been Lying Down and Crying All alone Salt drips down my ear lobe How is it fair That I must travel this life Without your infinite light And guidance? If I die to the road I just want you to know I choked on what I loved That’s more than enough

You make me tremble like a loaded gun You make me shiver in the summer sun

Heaven, honey, home

I’m so scared of dying With so much left unsaid

Learning how to fly Try to touch the Sky Always felt so fine Until you got blinded by the light

Icarus

You walked in and damned me Because now I can’t live without you Now I’m just roadkill on your stretch to something better

You give me forever And it scares me to death ---- Passive passion

I’m not who you want

I’m not who you need

Exhausted, by it all

Being on this earth made your soul fragile - I hope you made it out

Bone Music

Lilly white

And if I have to break my heart, to share it with you, I will

When you cross my mind, I beam with pride

Her/Hurt

I bite a chunk of skin off my bottom lip,

For every word I never said, but wished I did

I only often speak about death,

Because I love my family and my friends,

And I’m scared of their lives coming to an end.

So I guess it’s just my way of not being able to forget.

A pedestal to you is a gallows to I.

You’ve given up on yourself

Teach me how to love,

Or fill me up,

With lots of drugs,

Till I am stuffed.

Hopefully that will be enough.

Every time I sing you to sleep,

My troubles subtlely dilate.

You think it’s beautiful, more or less,

But between the cracks in my voice, I’m crying for help.

Though I’m exhausted, I try not to sleep through the days,

Because I hate the thought of you seeing the look on my face, when I’m dreaming of a better place,

And painfully, miserably, I must awake.

I have spent years of my life, feeling guilty,

For being ill behind this white picket fence

But everybody bleeds differently, I’ll use that as my defence.

Whether a disease is noticeably killing you on the outside,

Or it’s just a minor fault of the chemicals inside your mind.

That’s fine. The degree of your suffering is something I cannot define. Still, I hope you’ll heal in time.

I find it hard to shoulder burdens far less heavy than some, and sit awake at night telling them “It’s okay to be numb”, when maybe in your shoes I would simply just crumble - But in the eyes of our issues it’s so important to stay humble.

No matter who you are - Where you are or what you do. We’re similarly different... That much is true.

Our key similarity also holds us apart: The dull numb ache of our beating hearts.

So, now you know; You’re never alone. And in that knowledge, I hope you find hope.

Acid test

Like Home

Hide your ghost in my shadow

Mourning Song

You were there when I was alone, I just need to let you know, every word that I had said I had truly meant. I hope you know

And now I’m as alone, as I’ve always felt

If I could look into your eyes for the rest of my life, or walk the whole entire world with your hand in mine, I would never be ready die.

How I wish I was someone else. Someone far away. -

------

Endure the throes of yesterday

Just to maintain the throne you own today

How am I to know what I have thrown away?

A victory lap, or a funeral parade?

When I fell from the apex of it all

I promised myself

Now I’m sailing on the seas that I used to drown in

Oh what a burden it is

To be blessed with a beating heart

And bludgeoned with a purpose

You are the middle of the compass

But I have to fade away

To find myself again another day

Lured like a sailor to a siren

Man Of Sorrows

Arma Christi

I’ve been watching the binding crack

And the veins pop out your neck

Open the door to find there’s nothing left

Filthy as lard - Guilty as charged

Rain sodden, down trodden - so so sick of the rain

So so sick of the rain

On my parade

Strength in solitude

Wherever you go when you are dead,

I hope it’s somewhere that we can meet again

Tears Of A Clown

How can I find you help

When I can’t even find myself?

A little white cross

A little blue dot

I’ve started stepping on the cracks

What happens when we fall out of love?

I really want to live

To see the look on your face

When it all falls in place

Nuclear Family

B U T T E R F L I E S

Airborne Pheromones

Sweetheart Grip

God’s Eye

As it’s reflection bounces off your face

The end of the world’s such a pretty place

-----------

Let me live forever with you

Lonely Lamb

Married to the way

You bury every day

Ophelia

It pumps in my rib cage

Cold metal

Pressed against my temple

Will I ever find peace

With myself

And the pieces of myself

That I left

Behind

All the happy fat people

Are watching me starve

Our Greatest Glory

We are defined not by how we fall, and who pushes us, but the way we wipe the dirt from our knees and plant the earth back beneath our feet

I’ll never let you know

But it Helped Me Out Of A Hole

I’m ashamed to feel it, but not to talk about it

The last time was cathartic, my friend. I only came back here to give my life meaning again

Let this be my Funeral Portrait (hidden mother)

An empty stomach

A plethora of food

A mouth wide open

No teeth to chew.

We all make mistakes - Don’t let your mistakes make you.

Every laborious lesson learned, I bare to you.

My friend is ill. Where do I begin?

As much as I love to help, I’m sorry that I have to.

Running from my life

For my life

Spite-filled and bitter

Curse me with your

Kiss

We cherished what the sun said

Perished with the sun set

Greek Tragedy

The Inbetween

Colour-Starved

Light of my life - How I miss you so

Melatonin

In between dreams

I Am An Island

I lie in bed at night

And dream of a better life

With my eyes wide open

Every magpie

Must take flight

Nothing left to live for

Nothing left to lose

What’s the time in Texas?

I wrote you this message

I know it’s hard to find the time at the end of every day,

Half the world away

Dear Calamity

When I grow up I want to be something to someone

Making peace with my devils

When I breathe my life down the back of your neck,

What happens next?

No Joy

Morfydd

Two nuns in love

Cognitive Dissonance

Phantom Limb

I sometimes wonder - Am I in your nightmares, or do I just wake you from them?

What once was a burden, is now a blessing

Because forgiving

Is not forgetting

The love that we once willed

The love that we watched wilt

-----

It’s always been a long plight for happiness, or fulfilment. Not sure which one. You have a long time on this earth and the best way is to take things step by step. Assess your surroundings, and move on to the next healthy step. Over time, you soon learn that the constant yearning for more is both healthy and frightening. Of course, it sees you often climbing above those around you, but when do you discover the ladder comes to an end? When the last step suddenly becomes a leap of faith?

So, do we sit on the ground, smug with the knowledge that we’re never going to fall? The gluttony of comfortable complacency? Or is that adrenaline rush we feel as we climb to the top maybe worth the time we spend in limbo, falling back down? The question really is, do we feel the risk of failure is worth the sense of fulfilment? And once you’ve turned that corner, you face the really ugly problem at hand.

Fulfilment is NOT happiness. Your ivory tower is hollow. Your money and your attention can buy you nothing. Was the journey even worth it? Do we climb this ladder through the clouds to see a wasteland? Do we then yearn for that cold, hard ground we once lay upon?

There are more questions you must ask yourself. Would I have spent a lifetime of comfort sat wondering what could have been? And whether this self-sabotage in the name of overthinking was worth it? Or will I spend a lifetime of regret, free-falling from a great height with remorse in my heart, but proud callouses on my hands? And the final question you must ask is - In the long run - Which poisonous decision will be less painful?

-----

It found me when I was young

It sits in the crease of my lung

It keeps me awake with its incessant hum and

It da da da da da

---

Funeral Portraits

Pagliacci

Helped Me Out Of A Hole

Ophelia

Lonely Lamb

In Retrograde

Take Care

Our Greatest Glory

Paradise Lost

In A Birdcage

Blood In The Snow

Pandora

No Teeth

Without Wax (Open Letter)

Burning Bush

Beyond Belief

All.ways

-----

Every laborious lesson learned, I bare to you.

So, I write this letter to you, and everyone else in fact, My hurting heart, without wax. I’ll be the black cloud looking down

Out of your depth

In over your head

The rhythm of life, ebbs and flows

Nobody knows

Another begrudged,

Lap of the sun

It’s the death and the birth. For better or worse.

Sick and tired. Sick of crying.

The side of the bed where you once slept is cold as hell

I am not defined by the illness in my mind

Still got my heart in a birdcage

Those days

Maybe weeks

Maybe months

Made me weak

Give up on me

Like everybody else

Even myself

In your eyes I saw it die. Like it or not - Paradise Lost

And now my body shudders every time I hear your name. I know not of a love like ours; We’re chained.

Was it a magnetic field, or gravity, that brought you back to me?

When you walked in the room, how was I to know,

That we were sat together, like blood in the snow?

Every angels wing is clipped and bent - The devil made me deaf

If I could look into your eyes for the rest of my life, or walk the whole entire world with your hand in mine, I would never be ready die.

Live and die in black and white

Just so you know,

I swallowed every single bow,

That tied me to you

I’m doomed. A pulse-less moon.

Floating to and from, the maelstrom of,

You. A limp harpoon.

Floating from and to, my sibling moon. Begging for guidance.

Leave your dreams alone

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

Pandora

Pagliacci

It’s fine

To sit and cry

Every night

If that’s what you want

Please just be my friend

I haven’t got much else

--------

It really broke my heart when I read you say

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away”.

As much as I respect you, I could never take your advice;

Though I resent it - I cherish my life.

----------

In Glorious Memory Of The Love I Lost

On the outside we’re fine,

We’re just two miserable magpies.

I remember the crack in your voice when you said “I’m leaving”. Just another person that left me behind

This Dream Of Mine (Dramamine?)

I remember it all. The rise. The fall.

I remember it all. The climb. The crawl.

I remember the ————

It’s the death and the birth. For better or worse.

Sick and tired. Sick of crying.

I think I’ve lost my mind. Where has it gone?

I’ve been missing things for so long

I thought you were a magpie, turns out you are a crow. One for sorrow, two for joy. Now I’m all alone.

The Last Letter

To the moment I sleep, from the second I wake, I dwell on my mistakes

But you always cared

I’ve stared at these paper walls for so long

You don’t want to make me well. You just want to know what makes me sick.

Mourning Song / Celebration Song

The side of the bed where you once slept is cold as hell

I am not defined by the illness in my mind

I lie awake at night thinking of all the days I’ve wasted

Still got my heart in a birdcage

Those days

Maybe weeks

Maybe months

Made me weak

All of the pain that we harbour

I wish we were kids in the garden

Not just skeletal targets

Spill my guts

So sick of love

So sick of

I’m

All out of rhyme

All out of rhythm

All out of time

------------- An open letter of sorts - My musings and thoughts.

I pressed your flowers in to my book, so when I miss you I know just where to look.

Whenever I see the tapestry your blessed hands have wove for me - The poetry, the misery, it all meant so so much to me.

Just give me a lobotomy, and cure these things inside of me so maybe I can then be free, to love you for eternity.

But

The side of the bed where you once slept,

Is cold as hell.

The side of the bed where you once slept,

It’s empty now.

I tried to hold your hands, but they were always pushing me,

Towards my hopes and dreams.

If, in another life,

My heart is beating fine,

And love is on my mind,

You’ll be the first in line.

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