so i went to target with my mom today, and she said that this was her first time coming to target since all the ruckus. i stupidly assumed something happened in the area or like more store construction. but nah she meant the homophobic stuff she said that apparently target partnered with a gay satanist that's trying to force children into being gay??? by making shirts for three year olds that say "i'm queer" on them? (didn't see any pride merch for small children when i looked, btw).

anyways. it just made me realize that. my homophobic mom always brings kids into her stuff. she's not outwardly homophobic, but she's like "kids don't need to be exposed to sex at three years old" and i'm like??? that's literally not what queerness or pride is??? like genuinely i think some of the big homophobic propaganda out there is making it seem like we're trying to force kids to be gay. and that really freaking ticks me off. because any time i have discussions about sexuality with my mom (she does Not know i'm bi & dating a girl-gender neutral), she brings up stuff she's seen on instagram (my God she needs to get off she is being FED propaganda) where conservatives come out here saying that people are forcing homosexuality upon children. and yeah i'm sure some people are, but you never hear stories about parents beating their kids for being straight. or beating their kids for being cis. or kicking them out of the house or family. and it's just so sickening that this is the crap she's being fed. so now it's "gay people are a cult trying to force children into being gay" and that's. UGH. that's not it.

anyways it was kind of just disheartening to come to the realization that the common thread behind her arguments are always about how kids are being impacted by gay people (derogatory). she always backs up with stuff like "well i don't think man and woman relationships should be in children's media either" yet here we are. you can't just ignore the fact that relationships are everywhere. does the kid in a show have parents? well that's a relationship! that's not indoctrinating kids! oh but it is the second it's a gay relationship Got it. it just makes no sense. GOSH.

ouuugggaaahhh i cannot stay silent on the topic any longer i must tell you about my roy kent backstory/family tree headcanons. they are crazy sad btw. ft royjamie

his sister ruth (shout out to teddy-after-all for originating her name being ruth) is 2 years older than him. ruth is just as angry and proud and insane as roy, if not more. just has a bit of a better handle on it all, being a doctor rather than a footballer.

their parents were a mess and were out of the picture when they were really young so they barely remember them. their mom passed away of a drug overdose and their dad is still alive but in prison and he sucks so they aren't in touch.

roy's grandad (they didn't give him a name and i haven't thought of one yet) who we already know passed away when roy was nine was roy's mom's dad. he and his wife zivia raised roy and ruth and after he passed away it was just their nan raising them and she is still alive. she is a superstar and is theee matriarch theee protective angry badass bubbe (oh right. they're all jewish btw). she and her husband had been friends since they were small. they were born in poland and were just little kids during the shoah. (they gave themselves the last name kent to assimilate in britain, chose it bc of clark kent.)

that experience ofc really shaped them and greatly informed how they raised their kids + grandkids. zivia basically always emphasized the importance of anger. "it's your compass, it lets you know when you've been wronged. it's a tool. it's your inheritance. it's your birthright." etc. when roy or ruth would get in trouble for hassling a teacher or punching a kid at school or smth she'd be like "well did they deserve it" and usually they'd be like "yeah and here's why" and she'd be like "ok cool well then i'm not mad ur suspended in fact we're getting ice cream." when their grandad passed away she emphasized this sort of stuff too. "i know you're sad. i know you're angry. i know you're lost. i am too. it's ok. let yourself feel it."

as i said she's still around and living in a great retirement home and roy ruth and phoebe see her often. she takes great pride in the lives of her grandkids (+ great grandkid) and is always asking them about what's going on with them and checking in with them. "perform any amazing surgeries lately, ruth, my little miracle worker?" calls roy after every game, says one of three things.

"you played like shit." "you were fucking poetic out there." "you were alright." when it's the first, he usually laughs, happy to just talk to her after such a shit game, pleased by their little ritual. sometimes he growls or cries. he's never really hurt by her saying it, though, 'cause she's his dear old nan, and she's not being a prick, she's just being herself, and she's blunt. when it's the the second, it means more to him than all of the applause and celebrations with teammates and everything. when it's the third he does get kind of depressed and just changes the subject and they talk about whatever. as he nears the end of his career he hears a lot of the third and it really fucks with him.

roy has never brought anyone home to his nan for her to meet them. he also never came out to her directly. he just started mentioning shit about him being queer one day. they both preferred it that way (not for homophobic reasons on her part). when he's seeing keeley she starts to badger him. "am i ever going to meet her?" "maybe." he's cagey about it. it's a big thing and it kind of freaks him out. they break up before he starts to seriously consider it. once he and jamie have been hanging out all the time for a while, she badgers him again. "from how you talk about him, and what ruth and phoebe say, he's your best friend. you know, i had a best friend once [alluding to her late husband of many years, implying there might be something there between roy and jamie]. even if that's all he ever is to you, i want to meet him. you've never had a best friend. plus, he's a good friend of ruth's and looks after phoebe. he's a part of our family. shouldn't i know my family?" it kind of freaks him out, but he realizes, not much. because she's right. about everything

so the next time he ruth and phoebe go see zivia together they bring jamie. they get along alright. she's charmed by him, a little annoyed by him, respects him, and can really tell how close the two of them are and how well they fit together. she tells him so the next time they talk, when the two of them + roy are chilling at ruth's house. "he's an odd one. i like him well enough. you act like you've known each other longer than either of you have been alive. so, for you? i love him...certainly more than i liked o'sullivan for ruth" "come on nan"

pride.

i love pride. i love queer history and making sure we remember the trailblazers who came before us, the lives we lost, the lucky ones who made it against all odds, the protests and riots and fights. i love the celebration of queer lives and queer happiness and queer art like drag.

but there are things i struggle with too. i started to think that maybe i wasn't straight when i was 13, in 2016. at the time i sort of thought to myself that i was just saying that bc it was cool at the time, everyone was gay or bi, it was trendy. i didn't think much more on it, especially since i had never had a crush on anyone and thus had no evidence for being gay or straight either way. i remembering being heartbroken and horrified after the pulse shooting but i didn't think much of it, or felt like i was forcing it. i didn't feel any connection or community with the lives we lost, i wondered if i was just pretending to.

i stopped thinking about sexuality completely and didn't address it at all, even in my own mind, for years. i think i was maybe 16 or 17, so 2019-20, when i realised. i was in this weird sort of relationship w another queer person that was never defined, so we were never dating, strictly just friends but flirty and romantic and basically all of it without a name (this is no longer happening - for the best jfc). i realised i would never be straight, and despite being involved in queer culture, community and art for years by this point, i had a complete emotional breakdown like i had never experienced before.

i never labelled myself. i still haven't. i probably could, but i hate the idea of it. i hate all of it - the concept of coming out, having to tell people, people needing to know something that has nothing to do with them. i understand how it forms people's identities and experiences and i celebrate that completely and wholeheartedly, but it never has been and probably never will be my way. i won't come out. i can't come out. and i don't fucking want to. even queer isn't really a term i want to use to describe myself, but there's this desperation from all corners that u have to know for urself, even if u don't tell people yet. with this assumption that one day u will.

my family aren't homophobic. my sister is gay and my parents support them. my best friend is gay and trans. most of my friends are queer. it's not fear of judgement, at least i don't think so. it's just privacy. i want to be left alone.

this is all well and good except for the fact that one of my friends seems intent on figuring me out. she was on her bullshit back in like 2020, trying to subtly press my best friend to see if he knew (he does, but ofc didn't tell anything). and she's also one of my best friends but i don't want people knowing. it means nothing. only recently she's started up again, saying how she loves my "disregard" for it and "she's gay and not and there are not", making assumptions about me to another person while at the same time acknowledging my desire for privacy. speculating about me. i have never ever given her a label, never dated anyone, never had any crushes, and yet she tries to anyway.

it's just exhausting. and sometimes it's hard to enjoy pride when shit like this is going on. like - i'm not upset. at all, actually. i genuinely don't feel anything other than like, mild annoyance at the analysing and scrutiny of myself that clearly goes on when i'm not around. it used to bother me more but now ig i'm just kinda tired, in an eye roll "whatever" kind of way.

idk what the point of this is. just sucks that all stories are dramatic coming outs with supportive or scarily homophobic reactions, or life in the closet tragedies. some people are just in the middle. some people struggle or "hide" (hate that but whatever) for no good reason. it's not the prettiest pov ig.

I hate amatonormativity. So much.

Basically, one of my friends was yelled at by our teacher and me and a few other friends (The alterous attraction one and the one that decided that it was a good idea to fake come out to his parents) had to witness it. (One of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.) So I was talking to him (Alterous attraction) after school about it (Because I don't have any more classes with her, but he did and I wanted to see if she was doing ok) and my hand was on top of his and one kid saw and I have a sinking feeling that he's going to tell someone. And I don't have the patience to deal with rumors at all. And the problem is that we're both apart of a community that gossips, a lot. Sigh. But, I don't think we're going out anytime soon, because there was a COVID outbreak recently, so I probably won't have to deal with gossip until at least after the New Year. Sigh.

So a fun story: Me and my kinda crush were discussing how ironic it was that our former sort of homophobic biology teacher was wearing a pride mask, because she (at least for me) was part of the reason I didn't realize I was bi for a long long time. Also, she was just a bad teacher, but she was unfortunately the better teacher out of the two biology teachers. Anyways, how are you?

Gosh I'm so sorry you guys have had to deal with bad teachers :(( I hope your friend is ok too

It really does suck to be gossiped about (especially when that gossip is about something that's been completely misunderstood). I know it's hard, but it has really helped my mental health to work on not caring so much what people who aren't involved in the situation think. As long as you and your friend (and maybe your other friends) know what is and isn't going on, sometimes that's as good as you can get. I'm someone who tends to overexplain a lot because I really don't like to be misunderstood even slightly, but there is only so much you can do and have control over.

Like, maybe you can't control what other people are saying (which I get is horrible, especially if it triggers any romance repulsion), but you can tell people the truth if they ask you directly? And you can talk to your friend (if you haven't already) about what you are and aren't comfortable with labelling your friendship/relationship as? idk

Sorry if you were wanting to vent, not get advice 😅 I've just been in situations like that before and wanted to help if I could :/