#someday i’ll spend time in the light instesd of being the background of someone else’s achievement
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dreamed about [redacted] again :/
#something tells me i should reach out but like. do i really want to.#he still comes back to california not once has he contacted me#he used to contact me all the time to ask for help and i’d give it#then we graduated and. no more#i mean it’s just another instance of me being useful and used and then. nothing more when all was said and done#there’s been too many of those.#maybe someday i’ll be more than useful to someone. maybe someday i’ll be more than a resource#someday i’ll be loved for who i am and not just how good of a network connection i can be. or how much of myself i can give#someday i’ll spend time in the light instesd of being the background of someone else’s achievement#but until then i guess i keep dreaming about a kid who prints financial reports in yellow#and i guess i keep dreaming about the alps#and i guess i keep dreaming about things that can’t and won’t be#they’re the reason i gave all that up lol#and it’s so lonely when i see people with their partners because it reminds me that i said ‘never again’ at 18#even though it had never been anything but me being someone else’s resource. as usual#have i been used so much that i’ll make a mountain out of it?#i should take it back but idk. letting my heart become impenetrable or whatever cs lewis said. locking it so it won’t get broken. lol
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