#some trans akihiko propaganda because trans akihiko is good | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bi-naesala · 9 months

Text

I love…

(Written for @p3akishinjiweek day 5: Regret/Repressed Feelings | Mourning/Survivor's Guilt)

5 + 1 things, Repressed feelings, Angst, Trans Akihiko Sanada, Canon compliant, Major character death, Canonical character death

Five times Akihiko almost says he loves Shinjiro, and one time he's finally able to do it.

(AO3 link)

(Fic under the cut)

The girl likes Shinji. He’s kind, especially to her and Miki.

Even when they fight, he would extend his hand, a smile on his face, and he would ask her to make peace and be friends again.

He doesn’t care that she’s a tomboy; he even helps to cut her hair when the caretaker refuses to do it – because girls are supposed to keep their hair long, or something stupid like that.

She loves him dearly – he’s her best friend, how could she not? – but… she can’t tell him.

Maybe there’s something about the words, or it’s just Shinji being a dummy, but Miki told him she loved him once, and he got so flustered that he avoided her for two days, and even after she cornered him and told him to stop doing that, it took a while for him to stop blushing in her mere presence.

If she says she loves him, he’s going to do the same thing, and she doesn’t want that! If Shinji started to avoid her… she’d be sad! She’d cry even!

Just because she can’t say she loves him with words, it doesn’t mean she can’t say it with actions, however!

That’s why she always takes his side when he fights with the other kids, or why she covers for him when he brings in a stray cat, despite knowing how much in trouble they’ll get if they’re found out. That’s why she challenges him with stupid stuff, because it always makes him laugh when she does, and he never says no to her.

She loves it when he smiles, she loves it when he pats her head, she loves it when he’s there for Miki, treating her like a sister… She just loves him, but she can’t say it.

She hopes he will understand anyway.

The girl isn’t a girl anymore.

That part, Akihiko thinks, died with Miki.

Something else died with her, he muses as he watches Shinji trying – and failing – to make him stop crying. His smile isn’t as bright as it used to be; actually, he barely smiles at all these days.

“C’mon, Aki, it’s not the end of the world!” he says, but for Akihiko, it sure feels like it.

Being adopted, now, feels hollow. What’s the point of it, when Miki’s dead? What’s the point of it, when Shinji will be left behind? The same Shinji who’s been keeping wiping away his tears, no matter how much Akihiko continues crying.

He’s so strong. He’ll never be like him.

I love you.

Again, those words find their way inside his head.

He wants to tell him, but wouldn’t it be sad to do it now that he’s leaving?

Of course, this won’t be the last time they see each other, he’ll make sure of it, but… it feels like the end of an era. No more Aki and Shinji, joined at the hip, but Akihiko, living with the Sanadas, and Shinji, still stuck at the orphanage, alone.

“I’ll miss you,” he sniffles, because that’s true too.

“I’ll miss you too, dummy,” Shinji replies, giving Akihiko the best smile he can manage. It’s not much, but he appreciates the gesture. “But we’ll see each other again. Remember our promise?”

How could he forget it? It’s the promise they made to each other after Miki died: they’re going to become so strong they’ll never lose anyone ever again. Nothing will hurt them anymore.

He may not be able to say that he loves him, but he can maintain his promise.

In a way, that counts as the same thing.

Akihiko’s jaw still hurts – Shinji has a mean right hook, he has to admit it – but that doesn’t stop him from searching for him, even if that means they might come to blows again.

He refuses to leave him alone to fend for himself, no matter how much he might deserve it for being such a dumbass.

He can’t… He can’t leave him. Even if Shinji beats him up again, even if he’ll hate him for it, he can’t leave him alone.

Finding him is easier than Akihiko thought, maybe because his steps have subconsciously taken him to the one place he knows Shinji still continues to frequent: Hagakure.

When Akihiko arrives, he finds him about to step inside, but he freezes once he sees him.

“Aki… What are you doing here?” he asks, a veiled threat in his voice. It’s not enough to intimidate Akihiko, however – he’ll have to try harder than that if he truly wants to scare him away.

Akihiko swallows. Sure, Shinji going all bad boy on him might not faze him, but that doesn’t mean he’s not nervous at all.

“I came to see you,” he replies, trying to sound as neutral as possible – he’s not here to start a fight, nor to make Shinji run away.

“And you’re cutting class to do that?” the other counters, raising an eyebrow at him. Despite the sarcasm in his voice he also sounds… impressed?

“What about it?” Akihiko asks, defensive. Why would Shinji care about skipping classes? He used to do that all the time, and now he doesn’t even attend anymore!

They’re at a standstill, neither of them backing off.

The atmosphere grows tenser and tenser… until Shinjiro sighs.

“Ok, fine. Since you came all the way an’ all…” he mutters, before stepping inside Hagakure.

Akihiko takes only a second to recover from the shock – he thought he’d put more of a fight than that – before following him.

“Thanks for the meal,” Shinjiro says, before starting digging into his plate. Akihiko remains silent.

Since taking a seat and ordering, they haven’t spoken to each other, which wasn’t anything unusual before, but now, with everything that has happened, it has different connotations.

Akihiko wants to break the silence, but words freeze in his throat before he can get them out. What is he even supposed to say? He came here with the intention of convincing Shinji to return to the dorm – he can’t really think to live on the street forever? – but now that he’s actually here, he doesn’t know where to begin.

At least he doesn’t look too bad, all things considered. There’s a gray splotch on his jaw – must have had a scuffle with someone – but otherwise he looks unharmed, which is extremely good. Akihiko won’t deny that he’s lost sleep thinking about the dangers he’ll be forced to face now.

He still hasn’t begun eating, too busy staring at Shinjiro to do that. Unfortunately for him, however, it doesn’t go unnoticed, which gets him an elbow to the side from Shinji.

“What’s your problem? Eat before it gets cold.”

“R-Right, sorry,” Akihiko mutters, suddenly flustered; he hadn’t meant to stare, and especially he hadn’t meant to be caught like this. Shinji’s right, though: he should eat. No point in not doing that – it would be a waste of delicious food.

… Good as always! Not that he had any doubt about it, of course – there is a reason why they always come back here, after all.

“So, huh, how’s it going?”

Shinjiro rolls his eyes. “Really, Aki? That’s one weak opening.”

“What? Can’t I want to know how my best friend is doing in his self-imposed exile?”

“Self-impos—do you even fucking hear yourself? You’re being so dramatic…”

Skipping through the pleasantries altogether and going directly to the arguing part. This has to be a new record even for them.

Oh well, since Shinji clearly doesn’t want to fool around, neither will Akihiko: he grabs him by the jaw, making sure to press his thumb against the bruise he’s seen before, making him hiss from the pain.

“Am I? You’re already getting hurt and you say I’m dramatic.”

Shinjiro swats his hand away.

“It was one fight, Aki, one, and I won, by the way,” he retorts. He looks about to add something, but he stops as he takes a look around them: people are staring, including the patron.

Akihiko sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose. Yeah, they shouldn’t be causing a scene here of all places, so he’ll drop it for now, but that doesn’t mean Shinji’s off the hook! They will get back to this, he’ll make sure of it…

… And so he does, as soon as they step outside.

Shinjiro is obviously trying to outrun him without making it too obvious, taking long quick strides with his legs, not event glancing at Akihiko, but he keeps up, even if he has to run a bit to do that.

“I don’t care if you win all the fights you get into. If you were still with us, you wouldn’t need to be getting into them in the first place.” Not that there wouldn’t be any fighting at all, considering what they do, but at least he’d have Mitsuru and him to back him up; what does he think he’s going to accomplish on his own?

At those words, Shinjiro laughs, but he sounds strained, bitter.

“Why would I ever want to come back? You saw what happened! If I keep fighting, it’s bound to happen again.”

Because I love you, Akihiko wants to reply, because he can’t bear being apart from him, but he holds his tongue. He doesn’t want to ruin everything by saying the wrong thing, not when it comes to something so important.

“So? Are you just going to run away forever? I didn’t take you for a coward, Shinji.”

Turns out, that was the wrong thing as well: Shinjiro swings, immediately, hitting him right on the nose. He hits back just as strong, knocking him to the ground.

It soon escalates to a full-out brawl, even if they know that’ll get them in trouble, but they can’t stop.

Even if Akihiko had said that he loves him, instead of taking shots at him, he doesn’t think Shinji would’ve believe his words anyway – he would probably think it’s just a trick to get him to come back and nothing more.

Maybe he can beat the notion into him with the right amount of effort; after all, fists have always spoken louder than words for them.

Shinji’s back, Akihiko can’t believe it.

He was starting to believe getting him back was impossible, but look at him now!

He still doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that it took Amada’s presence to convince him, however. It doesn’t exactly paint a nice picture, but at least now it’ll be easier to keep an eye on him, and that’s all that matters.

Shinji is truly back. He’s not dreaming – he still pinches his arm, just to make sure.

He looks… well, overwhelmed, at the moment: as soon as he’s taken his first step inside the dorm, he’s been corned by the juniors, who all seem very curious – but also cautious – about him. Not that he can blame them; for his part, he’s told them very little about him, mostly because there are some things that aren’t for him to divulge, but also because… it’s their history, theirs and theirs alone. Akihiko doesn’t want to necessarily share it with anyone who isn’t Shinji.

It’s that same, selfish feeling that pushes him to take him aside, with the excuses of “seniors needing to catch up”, which isn’t entirely wrong, especially since Mitsuru joins them – she has much to say to Shinjiro too.

With just the three of them on the second floor, right outside Shinji’s new – well, old – room, it feels like no time has passed at all, except it has and it shows. Still, no arguments have exploded yet, so it can’t be too bad.

He’s too caught up in his head that he barely notices what’s going on around him, namely that Mitsuru has left to tend to other matters, and that he’s alone with Shinji, who has to shake his shoulder to get him to focus back on the present.

“What?”

Good job, Akihiko, being caught staring like that – why does it feel so familiar? Has it happened already?

He shakes his head.

“Sorry, I…”

I just love you.

He could tell him, finally be honest about his feelings, but…

“Nothing, I missed you,” is what he goes with.

From the look Shinji sends his way, it’s obvious he doesn’t buy it, but he also doesn’t say anything about it, to which Akihiko is grateful. “Huh, yeah… Missed you too.”

It might be too much for now, he decides, if he were to suddenly declare his feelings out loud, considering that Shinji’s just made it back and he’s already had to deal with everyone else bothering him. He doesn’t want to add onto the weight by any means – this time, he doesn’t want to make any wrong move.

He fears that he might make him run away again, he’s scared of… well, he’s just scared in general. What if Shinji doesn’t return his feelings? What if he thinks he’s joking? What if… Ugh, better not think about it.

He’s spent so much time keeping his love inside, that he doesn’t mind doing it for a little longer.

He’ll get another chance to tell him, once he’s found the courage to do so. They have time, after all.

This can’t be happening.

This… this has to be a nightmare, something that Akihiko will wake up from at any moment.

He holds Shinji tight, as he watches him slowly losing consciousness, impotent to do anything to change it.

Can this really be happening? It can’t… It can’t…

It’s with immense effort that Shinjiro stretches a hand towards him.

“Aki, take care of him…” he mutters with the last of his strength, gaze unfocused but determined. He’s talking about Ken.

What else is Akihiko supposed to do, if not squeeze his hand, as if that gesture alone could be enough to keep him alive, and promise something he doesn’t know he can actually do?

“I will.”

Shinji’s dying.

What’s worse, he’s smiling, for fuck’s sake! Like this is a good thing!

Shinji’s dying.

He’s dying, he’s dying, he’s dying…

Damn it!

Can’t they really do anything?!

“This is how it should be.”

It’s not. It absolutely is not!

Akihiko wants to tell him, and he wants to tell him that he’s loves him, that he’s always loved him, but he knows that, if he opens his mouth, he’ll just start crying, and he doesn’t want that to be the last thing Shinji sees before…

Why him? Why them?

Why?

He should finally be honest with him during his final moment, but his lips are sealed.

All he can do is squeeze Shinji’s body in his arms, hold him tight while hoping – praying – for a miracle to happen, for something to save him despite all odds, but nothing happens, no help comes, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

His best friend his dying, and he can’t even tell him he loves him.

+ 1

Shinji’s shrine.

How long as it been since Akihiko has last visited it? Too long.

Even something as simple as stepping foot into the cemetery has been hard for him, because every time he’s tried, his stomach would start to turn, bile rising, and he’d start to feel like vomiting.

When he started to feel like this when he was in the presence of the rest of SEES too, he knew he needed to leave, to put as much distance between him and them as he could. He needed to be alone.

He wonders, just like he’s done already countless times, if this is how Shinji felt too, when he left the first time.

And to think he used to scold him for running away, only to do the same thing as soon as he could.

He’s an absolute disgrace, isn’t he? If Shinji were there, he would so beat the shit out him – and he’d deserve it.

He’s done with that now, though.

No more running away.

“H-Hey, Shinji.”

Okay, he’s stuttering only a little, so far so good. C’mon, Akihiko, you can do this.

“I’m…”

Nothing else comes out.

No, this isn’t how this is supposed to go!

Akihiko lets out a long sigh, before trying again. His hands are shaking.

“I’m sorry, for… Well, everything.” He couldn’t even keep the promise he made to his dying best friend.

Everything in his head is screaming at him to run away, but he keeps his feet planted to the ground. He said no more running, and he intends on keeping it that way.

“I don’t even know what to say in my defense. I really fucked up, haven’t I?”

He chuckles weakly. Despite being alone, he feels like he’s being watched. It’s not the first time it happens; actually, it’s a quite frequent event.

“But… I think it’s better, now. I think I’m better,” he continues, pushing through the uneasiness. “And I’m going to show you that I’ve grown.”

Silence.

Only silence meets his words.

Nothing more.

It’s through gritted teeth that Akihiko keeps talking. He has to push it out, or else he’ll explode.

“I miss you, Shinji. I miss you so much, I…”

He can’t say it, not in front of his shrine. No no no no no, he can’t… He just can’t! What’s even the point now—

Aki

… What?

Did somebody call him?

Akihiko looks around, but there’s nobody else beside him.

Strange, it sounded like…

Aki let go

Let go? Tsk, that’s easy to say!

Though, doesn’t Shinji deserve to know, by now? Shouldn’t Akihiko be able to admit it, after so much time?

He takes a deep breath.

“I…”

No turning back now.

“I love you, Shinji. Always have, always will.”

There.

He’s just admitted that he loves him.

For the first time in his life, he’s managed to actually say it.

Why does it feel like he’s run a marathon all of a sudden? He swears, he feels so lightheaded, like he’s just finished a very intense workout.

“I love you.”

Akihiko does his best to ignore it.

“I love you.”

Now that he’s said it the first time, it’s like the floodgates have opened and can’t be closed any time soon. He can’t stop himself.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…”

He collapses to his knees, tears streaming down his face – he barely notices them – as he keeps saying “I love you” until his throat starts to hurt, letting out everything that he’s been holding inside for such a long time.

Finally, he’s been able to say that he loves Shinji.

Unfortunately for him, however, that doesn’t change anything.

#P3akishinjiweek #akishinji #akihiko sanada #shinjiro aragaki #persona 3 #p3 #persona #my fics #mine #some trans akihiko propaganda because trans akihiko is good

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