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deddie-eddie · 4 years

Text

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

#cancelled #tw suicide #tw suicide baiting #tw harassment

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problematiquehell-inactive · 3 years

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Not to be that person but I love their little UWU DNIs don’t interact with me pro shippers. It’s basically a shining glistening sign that screams avoid me. Like all antis at this point unless they bury their head in the sand should know they have had more abusers and rapists out themselves and have done more evil shit that even Incels can attest to and still being like no your bad because fictional titties just tells me I’m dodging a metaphorical 30000000000 fucking bullets. If you can stay with the community where Deadass a bitch said it’s okay I raped someone because at least I’m better than a pro ship then keep your walls and stay far the fuck away from me. I don’t like abuse or rape apologism so yea thanks for letting me know where you sit.

Personally I think its perfectly valid to not want certain people to interact with you. I personally don’t MIND antis interacting with me, as long as they are civil but radfems are a complete no, you get me. Setting boundaries is great its when setting boundaries becomes less setting boundaries and more insult that i have problems.

If this is about the post I made about which side i’m on, I personally would rather be a part of the group who did not send death threats so much to a 15 year old they posted a suicide note and logged off. If you have to fake your death to get away from harrassment that is horrible and something we need to be addressed.

Speaking of Addressing bad things the callout culture of our community is just as bad as antis. calling out is not a bad thing of itself its when its not about protecting people but instead harrassment and fearmongering.

The one i think of right now is tiny-space-robot. I do not support their beliefs at all but i also do not support making a post using a single screenshot and mostly fearmongering. i have already stated my beliefs on this topic and how i think they are definitely misinformed but i think they got the right idea however it is too nuanced its no longer grey its a mix of different colors that its turning brown and muddy. I do believe warning about those beliefs are okay but the amount of harrassment they got was horrible. of course i’m only an observer and do not know everything but i will always believe people can change. And change is through education. Education and support are the way to go to bring about change, support of the change you are making and support of allowing you to make mistakes.

Its not hard to believe that if i told every single bad thing i ever did i would be ostricized by the pro-ship community. We aren’t a great family and not all of us are good.

But thats why there is no such thing as a “community” as i think lot of people are thinking. no two people will have the same ideals or reasons for those ideals.And thats okay. A community is there to help you start finding smaller communities and friend groups. Its not hard to think that one can be in many communities.

Proshippers are not perfect and i can’t comment to much on anti communites as I have not interacted with them head on for years. But despite these imperfections the core beliefs of proshipping i believe to. And its valid if you perfer the core beliefs of antis.

My critic of antis is the way of going about expressing those beliefs. I don’t truly believe being an anti is bad. Theres more nuance there. In a way i could get behind antis core beliefs too.

I would love to talk about the glorification of pedophilia, incest and abuse in fanworks and how certain things should probably be handled with care. However due to how our community is, which i’m going to be honest is thanks to antis, we are basically not allowed to critique any form of media without being called antis.

Look sometimes bad people make good points, and that is why we have nuance. But like i said too much nuance and its no longer nuance, its harmful. I’d love to talk about how our community hides behind “nuance” to promote harmful ideals either unknowningly or knowingly.

Yet I spent all this time critcing the proship commuinity and yet I think its better than anti comunities? Yep. Because ultimately I have made many great friends here and learned a lot about myself. I talk for hours about Shigadeku on a shigadeku discord and I talk about my follishness. I made friends and lost friends and i really do not think i would be where i am now if it was not for the proship community. Sure maybe some bad things happened becasue i was proship but so what. I could say that about a lot of things. The pro-ship community honestly aligns with my needs better than anything and i love it. And I think we, as a community, can one day grow to talk properly about the dangers of nuance, the one strike your out mentality and how antis are not the scum of the earth (some are, but not all)

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