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feathers-fallen-on-riverdale · 2 years

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Season 1, Episode 1: Chapter 1 - The River's Edge These Aren't The People From My Polycule! (They Said What?)

[Ep. Statues: Already Watched/First Time Watching + Remember/Vaguely/Don't Remeber]

First off. It sort of slipped my mind that Jughead narrates the opening of each episode. Doesn't he become like a God type writer in the new season? Very Jensen coded of The CW to only know how to do one (1) thing.

Oh god that nasty "Welcome to Riverdale!" board.

Also I will probably be saying this a lot but what are these outfits? Cheryl and Jason are going for thier stupid little boat ride (really? A boat ride? In the morning? On July 4th?) dress all in white expect for Cheryl's bright red stilettos. Like no wonder first time watcher me though Cheryl killed her brother. All the white, the creepiness of the scene and the "are you scared Jason?" just convinced me Cheryl had ritualisticlly killed her brother in a fucked up horror movie girl kinda way. Instant way to make me stan her. Kinda disappointed she didn't (would now would also be a good time to mention that I completely forgot who actually killed Jason? Oops?). Anyway where is that AU? Where is that show?

"In those last moments I hope he suffered. May Jason Blossom burn in hell" ? Miss girl. Are we sure Betty's mom isn't the real family psychopath?

Also can we talk about Jughead in season 1. With his lil beanie and his camera. I'm like 90% he was written to be a movie nerd/buff then it was retconed to books and they never talk about it again? That was weird.

Lol okay so I forgot how privileged the Lodges are made out to be. But honestly, Veronica's mom? Kind of a MILF. Now that I think about it, aren't they like, the Riverdale Kardashians?

Girl naurrr the gay-bestfriend-ification of Kevin 😭💀. My mortal enemy. I will make Kevin a full fleshed character if it kills me. Kevin walked no-crawled so that Will from Stranger Things could stumble over to Mike only to be called a slur.

Also how old are these bitches supposed to be? 15 year olds do not look like that. What is in the water in Riverdale? Pfffff what am I talking about Archie is Just Like That TM.

Also something about the way the actors deliver thier lines. I can't explain it but it's hilarious. Maybe just cause it's the pilot and everything's a little stilted still.

Also I think Kevin wants to hit that (Archie). #LetKevinHitThat2022 #LetKevinBeArchiesGayAwakening2022

Oh Archie's music passion my beloved. I forgot that one too. Season 1 may not be as batshit as its descendants but it has it's gems.

Betty and Archie: having their disgusting little heterosexual talk

Me looked in the background: omg Pop Tate 😍😍😍

I used to laugh at the sketches of Riverdale on tiktok because the facial expressions were so greatly exaggerated. But nope, it's actually Just Like TM.

Omg Veronica's slow-mo entrance my beloved. Some would say it's over the top but honestly she's an icon, she's a legend and she is the moment. She deserves this.

Also I know I should be focused on the Archie and Veronica's meet-cute but there's this one shot of Betty's face that is absolutely sending me.

Betty said gay rights because I'm going to be homophobic towards a straight couple.

ALSO FRED ANDREWS. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. ARCHIE STOP BITCHING AT YOUR FATHER.

Forgot just how... Karen-like Betty's mom was in season 1. I know it's out of worry but I can't wait for her character to flesh out (as much as it can on a CW show). Also I did not know Betty has ADHD?

Archie, honey, what is your handwriting. Okay, if Betty has ADHD then I want Archie to be dyslexic. They bond over being neurodivergent and mistake that comradery for love.

Nasty ass early season Chad Reggie 🤮🤮🤮. Where is my is my mafia bimbo meow meow. Give him to me now.

What. What was this moment. ONLY The CW. I would only accept this moment if Veronica was wearing a little bi or pan flag. Hold on.

Guys she sewed them on herself! (her mother taught her!) (I know it looks like shit alright I'm horrible at editing)

JOSIE! AND THE PUSSY CATS. Okay but genuinely they sound really good.

JUSTIN GINGERLAKE ??! Oh she's savage I love her. Also Josie and her girlies all use she/they pronouns because I said so.

Also the way Veronica talks. How does Camilla Mendes pull it off. What ever they're paying her, double it.

"Are you two dating?"

"No we're just friends."

"No he's straight.'

I stand by my earlier statment, #LetKevinHitThat2022

Oh god. The one plot line I wish I could desperately forget is the one where Archie fucks his music teachers. How is nobody noticing these 2 eyes fuck infront of the entire gymnasium.

Oh Fred and Hermione 😔

"Is cheerleading still a thing?"

"Is being the gay best friend still a thing?"

Shots fired. I am loving the mlm wlw hostility. At least The CW got gay on gay violence right.

Cheryl? Body shaming! What year is this?

They're trying to make me like or feel sympathy for Grundy and it's not working. I'm just waiting for her to leave.

Okay no actually I need her to DIE. A student is asking for help because he's feeling guilty and scared of something he's witnessed but your saying no because you fucked him? 🔪🔪🔪

Beronica kiss hello? Young sapphic me blocked this out because they could not deal with the emotions and revelations this brought her. Also this is beginnings/foundation of the Riverdale polycule. Also that kiss was.... a little longer than necessary 😏.

Cheryl is not impressed tho and honestly good for her. But that baiting scene. Sheesh I'm not one to judge be get a better coping mechanism honey. Betty's half moon scars I remember vividly. I wonder if they ever resolved that plotline.

Also. VERONICA ACTUALLY POPPED OFF NOT CLICKBAIT!???!!!???

WE COME AS A MATCHING SET? I AM THAT RECKONING? SORRY CHERYL BOMBSHELL MY SPECIALITY IS ICE?

I am losing it. Is this Riverdale's version of "Freedom is a lenght of rope and God wants you to hang yourself"?

Nope, now I've lost it. That scene! Where Veronica is zipping up Betty's cheerleading outfit and the sweet music is playing and they're all smiles and giggles and she turns around and Veronica compliments her and Betty just touches her in the same way Veronica did her even though Veronica was already set! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOODBYE! The entire show could end right here and I wouldn't care. Also, I see you Veronica's black nail polish.

Oh Betty and Veronica's little chat after that felt very very real. Oh no this Supernatural all over again. Shit show, good moments that keep u coming back.

Okay Betty's mom is giving my mom vibes and that is not okay.

Fred's words to Archie about his future are ringing really true and are a really fresh and good twist on the parents dont support the kids passion trope.

Maybe this first season is actually good? Skdjkskdjd nah.

Omg our favourite trouple doing their entrance!

"What does your heart say?"

Archie: *looks over at Grundy*

Me: Come on, Grundy?!

Archie: *demands lessons*

Me: Oh he chose music!

Oh god.... I keep pausing the fantasy couple scene because I just can't.

Veronica and Kevin, mouthing: ask him about the polycule!

Betty, who can't read lips for shit: power couple? 🤔

The absolute silence on Archie's side. WHY did he look at Grunkle what's her face.

Let's see who's riding the ginger stallion tonight? WHO IS WRITING THESE SCRIPTS?

"Who are you asking for, you or Betty?"

Me: SAY BOTH

Veronica: *doesn't say both*

Me:

Me watching Archie and Veronica kiss even tho the polycule is in shambles before even fully forming:

Veronica and Hermione's relationship. God I wish I had something like that.

"Archie went looking for the girl next door. Instead he found me." Okayyyy, it's giving Jarchie.

Archie and Jughead's scene. First of all Jughead's dark humor. Love it. The talk to her. It'd go a long way. It'd have went a long way with me. Ooof. But also what did happen? Omg gay coming out went wrong!

Me watching the "I can't give you the answer you want" scene trying to focus on literally anything else but the forced monogamy in front of me: huh the way they shot this reminds me of the "I was there where were you scene".

Okay but let's put a pause on the polycule and talk about Barchie. Archie says something along the lines of "You are always perfect, I could never be good enough for you" and earlier on Betty said she's sick of being perfect, the perfect x,y,z for everyone else. I don't know if she's realised this but that may include being the perfect love interest for Archie. And Archie perceives her as Perfect when Betty just wants to be perceived. So if they were ever to get together, polycule or not they'd need to work past that.

Oh Moose. Didn't he just fade into the background as the show moved on or did I just forget him?

Oh Jason? Neat ig. Was he shot and his body dumped after the lake was searched? I can't even remember.

Unhinged rating: 3/10. There were some moments (mostly from Cheryl) mostly from the dialog and things I'd forgotten but this episode is really tame reconsidering my expectations for later seasons.

Tag list (you can ask to be added [or removed] though I doubt anyone will ask: @youre-only-gay-once

#riverdale #riverdale polycule #unhinged ep. review #barchie #jarchie #beronica #season 1 episode 1 the river's edge #archie andrews #betty cooper #jughead jones #veronica lodge #cheryl blossom #jason blossom #josie mccoy #josie and the pussycats #kevin keller #live slug reaction #live betty reaction #the cw

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