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hadeheria · 6 years

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coltrane james

aka the ‘sexy grandpa’

please bear with how much i’ve written. want ad here. buffythevampireplaya#3832 for plotting <3

history

nobody is entirely sure how coltrane grew up so fast- like way too fast. many, including his own parents, believe that he literally came out of the womb as an old man, which is probably true even if not scientifically proven.

his parents named him after the jazz musician, whose music had been playing on their first date and whose song, ‘my one and only love’ had been their first dance. he was the oldest of 3, and his younger siblings had been named in a similar manner as miles and ella. he’d always felt they’d got off easy- why’d he not just been called john? it was somewhat of a mystery to him, and probably only made him seem more ridiculous than his personality alone did- maybe it was a premonition, given how normal his siblings were.

colt was the kind of kid you heard before you saw. not that his appearance wasn’t striking- covered in mud a lot, hair sticking on end and a judging look that was way beyond his years. but he had the kind of voice that boomed through the masses, cut through the babble of the rest of children whenever he expressed his thoughts or opinions. he was extremely capable of speaking his mind, particularly in situations where it could be interpreted as bad behaviour. primary situations where this took place were in the classroom, particularly when talking back to a teacher, or when his parents said something that he thought sounded fishy.

he was sceptical and critical from a young age; he stopped believing in santa before he’d stopped wetting the bed. some teachers took this as a sign of a sharp mind, some untapped genius that would one day rear its head. but whether it was due to laziness, pure disinterest or genuine lack of intelligence, his academics never took off.

coltrane scraped by enough that he got into college in maine- a quaint, tedious place him that was full of people he revelled in making snarky comments at. it was while attending college that he began going to parties- drinking became a huge part of his life, and he suddenly found a distinct appreciation for alcohol and its many forms that he’d never anticipated having. he also acquired quite a few chef-y skills, which meant that he made deli sandwiches and pasta better than half the people he knew. he worked at a bar throughout a majority of his college career, drinking with patrons and generally being his own brand of rude to most punters who had to come to love his brutish ‘charm’ in some way- being heckled was part of the experience regulars came to enjoy during his tenure there.

it was at the bar that he met nina- a history student who for all intents and purposes was complete sweetness and light versus his dark cloud of a personality. his immediate reaction to her appearance in his workplace was to cower away, being extra rude to combat the bright, toothy but entirely beautiful look she brought with her. as a bartender with a startling lack of people skills, it was his instinctual reaction to be rude to her, dropping her drinks sloppily on the counter without so much as looking in her eye, returning tips and outright ignoring her sometimes. for some unbeknownst reason, his confused tactics worked and she asked him on a date.

the moved in together after they graduated; neither sure what they wanted to do, but with enough money saved up but they could probably just about survive. coltrane found some success doing stand up comedy; his brand of offbeat misery seeming to blend perfectly with what was missing in the comedy scene. in his spare time, he drove taxis- anything to make the money churn. it wasn’t much money but they could get by and seemed relatively happy.

they’d been together for around 5 years when coltrane mustered the courage to propose. it had never been on the cards before- he didn’t entirely believe in the sanctity of marriage as a jaded college kid, and as someone with very little money he’d never found the belief that he had a lot to offer. but he took nina to a fancy restaurant he could just about afford having saved for a little while, with a little box in his pocket. he knelt on one knee, held back his grimace at the gasps of people who had nothing better to do than getting involved in their private moment, and thrust the box, lid open, in nina’s face.

he thought that he’d done the right thing when he eyes suddenly flooded with tears. but it took a moment for his smile to falter; a moment longer for her to reveal that she’d got a job as a curator in texas, that she’d been waiting to tell him that she wasn’t sure she was in love with him anymore. it broke him, and for a brief moment, he stepped into a black hole even bigger than himself. within a week she was packed up and moving on, and he was preparing to cohabit with a bunch of people he’d come to call his best friends.

it wasn’t long after this that he discovered podcasts, and someone encouraged him to give it a shot. his particular style of comedy, ranting and moaning, would work well in the format, he was told. he bought a cheap mic off amazon and hooked it up to his laptop and some free software- barely edited the clips, didn’t even touch the balancing. to begin with it was just for his own benefit, a way to release his pent-up anger over being heartbroken and having to completely move his life to somewhere else. but after a few episodes it started to pick up steam, and he suddenly found himself in talks for a contract and acquiring sponsors.

within a year he found he had enough money to give up the driving, and it wasn’t long after that that he found he actually had an audience at his stand ups. nowadays he’s relatively successful; holding himself back because he doesn’t want to actually move across the country to make things easier, and unwilling to let the series become something polished, but definitely a step up from hunching over a $20 mic in his bedroom.

personality

basically, coltrane is just the grumpiest guy you’ve ever met. he’s pretty socially awkward (god knows how he gets laid), but has his own brand of humour which usually means he gets by. this humour consists of basically complaining about anything and everything; he has an uncanny knack for literally being able to pick out the flaws in anything he sees, and talking about it quite openly so it’s impossible to skirt around his opinions.

nonetheless, he’s genuinely caring and is fiercely loyal to his friends. colt is an absolute sweetheart who’d go to the ends of the earth for the people he loves even if they wouldn’t do the same for him (or he thinks it might be clinically insane/illegal). driving halfway across the country for the ‘best burritos in the us’? if you ask. breaking into someone’s house because they stole your favourite water bottle? hell yes if it’s your favourite! watching you have sex to critique your technique? ehhhhh .. no homo.

colt is forever hungry, and drinks more than an average human should be able to. he could be smart but who knows? he’s never put the effort in to find out. he’s a professional sleeper and has no understanding of how people can actually work out, and somehow has an innate sense of responsibility which means he works insanely well under pressure and is somehow completely on top of taxes, even if his insane mutterings would suggest otherwise. he talks to himself a lot, and has no idea who the ‘kardashians’ are (honestly, he could’ve been living in the bunker for the last 25 years). he pretends he’s got real ego and lbr when you’re as loud as colt you gotta have some ego, he rebutts everything by just accepting insults and rolling with them and if he could liken himself to any fictional character it’d be charlie kelly.

colt is a bit of a technophobe, wishes he could make moonshine and dreams of one day owning a brewery. he hoards vintage action figures and has more money than he knows what to do with (he could literally live on a mattress).

if there’s anything he truly fears, it’s having his heart broken again. he can deal with being alone- though he’s never alone because he lives with friends. he can deal with failure, having never had a real ‘successful career’ in his life (and actually has some real savings now). spiders and snakes are whatever. but having his heart broken in the way his ex girlfriend broke it would probably just kill him, and it’s a risk he is terrified of taking. he spends most of his time running away from women in case they turn out to be just like her, and while he’s almost completely healed he isn’t sure he could just fall back in love as easily as he did last time.

he’s somewhat insane- but love him goddamnit.

#reasonrp #ch: coltrane james #ch: male

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