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columbiastapshoes · 9 months

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more general headcanons. take them in addition to my other ones.

my last headcanon post got a decent amount of attention so i thought i’d do it again :3 my brain is like. a factory that is constantly producing headcanons from machines it’s how i function

anyways most of these r about magenta because i’ve just been in a very magenta mood recently she’s so silly (i’m going feral why is she so PRETTY)

- brad played with dolls as a kid but his parents took them away when he got “too old” for it to be some cute quirk because a Man has to play with Trucks like a Man anyways he did play with Trucks like a Man but he never forgot how to do their hair so even now he can french braid the shit out of people’s hair, especially magentas hair because the dolls he had also had big poofy hair like hers so he’s used to that. however columbia is typically magentas french braiding person so when she saw her gf getting her hair braided by another man she was like “HOW DARE YOU WE ARE OVER” (as a joke obviously don’t fret)

- magenta can do the splits. idk. i just get that vibe and i’m right about everything soooooo /j

- columbia cannot maintain eye contact and magenta STARES and forgets to blink or look away so every time they talk it’s just

“👁️👁️”

“STOP”

- this is such a specific scenario but if they are shopping and come across a pillow they want to buy they give it the columbia test. what is the columbia test you might ask? they just get columbia to scream all of her pain and trauma into the pillow, and if the sound is muffled enough it is deemed worthy to purchase

- magenta just. brings random animals into the castle. and i’m not talking about “aww she like adopts cats a lot :3” no this bitch has brought in Raccoons from the Backyard and riff raff who is a paranoid ass mf is like “THAT THING HAS RABIES” and magentas like “LISTEN. HER NAME IS BEELZEBUB AND YOU WILL TREAT HER WITH RESPECT”

- why are all of these about magenta help

- speaking of magenta :3 she is a huge wes anderson fan and she and columbia watched isle of dogs together for a lil movie date and columbia sobbed during most of it 👍 she liked it though

-can we all agree that frank just. knows how to vogue. like bro came out of the womb knowing how to do that shit and it stuck with him for the rest of his life

-so i spent a really long time being stumped on how i think columbia would dress. like i have everyone else’s style figured out but i just couldn’t figure out hers for some reason,,,,, until i went down a rabbit hole and discovered cyndi lauper. i mean obviously i had listened to girls just wanna have fun and time after time but i has never actually seen this absolute icon. anyways i discovered her and her style during theater class one day and from then on i knew that columbia dresses like cyndi lauper, columbia listens to cyndi lauper, COLUMBIA IS CYNDI LAUPER

-ok so canonically i dont think this would happen but in my own version of rocky horror that exists in my brain magenta and brad are bffs. like yk those videos u see of “unlikely animal friendships” that is literally just them. it’s like goth gf x Some Guy™️ (x used platonically)

-brad is a die hard swiftie. i won’t elaborate.

-magenta loves loves LOVES abba

-sometimes i forget columbia isn’t canonically a theater kid. cuz like. she just Is a theater kid yk that’s who she is

- she would love grease

i will probably make another one of these posts when my list becomes longer again ‼️‼️

p.s i have. two rocky horror aus. would anyone like me to post about them. because i can. i am so normal about . aus

#rocky horror #rocky horror picture show #rhps #rocky horror au #frank n furter #brad majors #columbia rhps #magenta rhps

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averagebacchaereader · 1 year

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may 8th

Liza

Christian (get it because priests are… y’know)

CW: heavy sexual content, religion.

CHRISTIAN takes centre stage. kneels.

CHRISTIAN: i am a depraved man. cruel. i see wicked things, and i savour them, i run my tongue along them, soaking in every taste and i’d beg for more, i would. i do. i crave passion and sex because it makes me feel alive. desire makes me feel alive. sometimes i think it’s the only thing, and that’s fucked, there’s more to life than sex, i- but when i feel her. god. when i feel her. it’s vibrant. how she trembles. how i… respond. every twitch is sticks breaking ahead of me, i’m a wolf, a fox with a mouth dripping blood, i need to nurse on a fleeing rabbit. feral. disgusting. god help me. i pray, but i… it’s hollow. no words will make me stop wanting this. no faith. i’m ruined. i’m… no longer human. i feel something worse.

LIZA appears behind him, lit from behind, an angel.

CHRISTIAN: i feel everything. more. i feel nothing. i feel angels, i feel hurt. burning. everywhere.

LIZA: oh, take pity.

CHRISTIAN: angels.

LIZA: get up.

he does. still, he does not turn to face her.

LIZA: you want me.

CHRISTIAN: more than anything.

LIZA: you’re a dog.

CHRISTIAN: i know.

LIZA: i spit on you.

CHRISTIAN says nothing.

LIZA: hm. men. i tailor myself to you, and it takes, it takes, it takes. look how you flush. are you embarrassed?

CHRISTIAN: i-

LIZA: don’t speak.

she’s right behind him now. laces a hand over his chest. she feels his heart.

LIZA: so close. and is this god to you?

he says nothing.

LIZA: speak.

CHRISTIAN: yes.

LIZA: you feel your life in my hand.

CHRISTIAN: yes.

LIZA: you want me closer.

CHRISTIAN: i want to consume you.

LIZA: greedy.

CHRISTIAN: always.

LIZA: and you’d still want more.

CHRISTIAN: you’re an exceptional slab of meat.

LIZA: i’m an absurdist piece of theatre nobody gets but everyone pretends to understand. i’m a mouthpiece for a despondent author. no i’m not. yes i am. i’m a carefully crafted divinity in the form of a woman. i’m whatever skincare routine is currently trending. i’m fucking ancient and i’ve eaten boys alive, starting from the wrists. i swallow.

CHRISTIAN: yeah, fu-

LIZA: yeah.

CHRISTIAN: i want you.

LIZA: he wants me, he wants me. am i supposed to feel good?

CHRISTIAN: i feel you press against my back.

LIZA: you’re flushed. you swell.

CHRISTIAN: you’re the hottest fucking thing i’ve ever seen.

LIZA: i’m a nightmare. i drip in grime. i’m obsessed with blood and entrails.

CHRISTIAN: i’d give you mine.

LIZA: what?

CHRISTIAN: intestines, and shit.

LIZA: hm.

CHRISTIAN: if you’ll bite my chest. tear me open with your teeth.

LIZA: i’ll think about it.

CHRISTIAN: you think about me?

LIZA: sometimes.

CHRISTIAN: i pray for you.

LIZA: i heard. is that helping much?

CHRISTIAN: it’s making everything worse.

LIZA: typical. you can get back on your knees, now.

he does.

CHRISTIAN: gladly.

she moves, to be beside him now. he can finally look at her, and he does, greedy, drinking her in. maybe throw in a whimper or two.

LIZA: weakness. slobber. you drool for me.

CHRISTIAN: i can-

LIZA: it’s a metaphor.

CHRISTIAN: huh?

LIZA: shh. just go with it.

CHRISTIAN nods.

LIZA: i am fond of you, after all that.

CHRISTIAN: yes.

LIZA: it’s unfortunate.

CHRISTIAN: collar me.

LIZA: god what is it with all of you?? “collar me”??

CHRISTIAN: i-

LIZA: sorry. i’m being rude. i love you. i like your silly curly hair.

CHRISTIAN: it’s not curly.

LIZA: no, but when it- sometimes it looks like it is.

CHRISTIAN: uh.

LIZA gets down on her knees.

LIZA: you’re boring me. grab my tits.

he does. hungrily.

CHRISTIAN: will you kiss me?

LIZA: will you eat me?

CHRISTIAN: i’d be glad to.

LIZA: the sentiment is returned.

LIZA kisses him. they embrace. a sort of peace. eventually, they fuck. this can be as abstract as wanted, haha theatre weird stupid theatre stuff metaphors wow drama i’m so educated and good at writing.

LIZA (during sex): i don’t believe in holiness. i used to, i was raised religious, but i don’t think anyone is pure, and i don’t think anyone is “ruined”. greed is natural and not something you can be trained out of. no one is entirely selfless, and if they are, i’m sure they think they’re not, and guilt is imperfect. impure. i wish i could believe in god, but i don’t, i don’t want to think there’s someone up there judging us off a stupid, rigged universe. you want me to believe in god, the christian god, when the majority of christians are portrayed as- you know? in the media? i am not homophobic, or transphobic, or anything like that, i think people should believe in whatever they want, all that stuff. i don’t think it’s right for god to condemn me for not wanting to stand with a crowd that’s so often represented like that. and if he is going to condemn me, i may as well get a couple orgasms out of it. god, that's good. harder.

AUTHOR’S NOTES

i must be the most fuckable and esoteric fisherman at the pond.

what was i listening to while writing?

my slut playlist for sluts of course!

#playwriting #writing #thoughts on sex and being a woman also the fleabag priest is not as grand a person as everyone pretends he is

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vivisols · 4 months

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Hello!!! I’m here to ask lore questions >:3c

About the future stares back specifically!!

First off, are human’s the only animals that evolved so severely, or will we see some really funky dogs?? If not are there at least funky dog’s in the world?

Though I don’t just mean the dog’s, I’m just using them as a placeholder for animals in general. Like what other animals have went and crazy evolved vs which animals haven’t really changed that much (I assume animals like birds haven’t changed too much I’ll be honest, maybe more water birds evolved or something) and which animals went extinct? (Not a whole list obviously as there’s billions of different species, but maybe the ones that would shock us? I.E. “oh no dogs did actually go extinct”)

We’ve seen a lot of descriptions on buildings being all wrecked, but how much has nature truly reclaimed it? Does it still need some time? I ask this because I don’t remember seeing a lot of animals being described as nesting in the many buildings we visit- mostly just the fish when we’re underwater. But correct me if I’m wrong! My memory is hazy.

Will we get to see how Moon and Sun react to the various types of animals they may have only seen in picture books?

And if animals, domestic animals especially, have evolved- are they still domesticated? Do some human constructs use them for work? Or are they all mostly feral again? Dangerous even??

I think that’s about it for now, but if I have anymore questions I’ll come right back and drop another wall of text, lol! (If these text walls are okay with you at least, if not I’ll try to separate my questions in separate asks next time!)

Thank you for your time!

askdjhasjkd i heart answering lore questions so much!!! anon you are FEEDING me today hahahaha!!! anyways anyhow >:3c

we will indeed see some funky silly evolved animals! most species of animals stayed relatively the same besides becoming a bit more adjusted to a primarily water based diet! though their evolution was much more "standard" and gradual as opposed to humans who went absolutely WILD with the evolution xDDD

extinct animals.... extinct animals.... hmmmm! most of the extinct animals are ones that required specific temperature conditions to thrive, such as those that relied on drastic season changes! the rising temperatures and sea levels practically shot the potential for freezing cold winters out of the window xD some wild extinct animals off the top of my head are penguins and bears, all variants! though the latter is probably not a surprise considering thats actually canon as of security breach hahaha

id say nature has reclaimed about... 60% of it! fish took to living in the building ruins super quickly, but land animals are still getting there! cities are big and the ruins dont have a lot of food! mostly prey animals such as rabbits and birds live in the ruins right now, and even then those are in the more overgrown ruins or on the ruins close to forests!

we definitely WILL see sun and moon reacting to various species of animals! i have a LOT planned hehehe >:3c

most of the domesticated animals, particularly the ones that can live just fine without humans (such as some species of cats and dogs) have evolved back to a much more "natural" and "feral" state. specific breeds that might be familiar to us are hard to distinguish as they've kind of gone back to looking like their non-domesticated ancestors (i.e. wildcats and wolves) but they've not fully evolved back to the same things as they started out as!

there are only a few human settlements that still have somewhat domesticated animals, with the majority just having dogs for working and such! and even then, those dogs are more on a "we're only sticking around because you feed us" instead of true domestication xD a very very very small amount of settlements have horses! depends on the location! horses are basically the same, wild or otherwise hahaha

(and dont worry about the walls of text, I LOVE WALLS OF TEXT GRAHHH THEYRE PERFECTLY OKAY!!!! SEND AS MANY AS YA WANT I LOVE ANSWERING THESE :3!!!!!!!)

#vivispeaks #post apocalypse mer au #the future stares back #ask #hyenas are thriving tho xD i dont play favorites (trust)

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amratsu · 4 years

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alright these girls have haunted me for about a whole month now time to break it all down for anyone vaguely interested in them

hololive/vtuber 101 below the read more

THE FUCK IS HOLOLIVE?: An idol agency except all of its roughly 20 or so girls are youtube streamers who have their identity protected by a live2d avatar. They recently had a very fun live concert and all of them have or will have 3d models, but the majority of content is just them streaming whatever's their fancy at the time. (As of 2/17/2020 a lot of them play a lot of ARK, thank Coco for that) Therefore, they're part of the new form of niche culture called Vtuber.

THE FUCK IS A VTUBER?: Virtual youtubers. Like a normal streamer but, again, live2d portrait instead of their actual face. That's basically it. Content is about as varied as any other youtuber.

ALRIGHT, WHO WE GOT?: Hololive's split into OG Tokino Sora, the girls alongside her who are also primarily 3d, and then 'generations'. Just plug in their names and you'll find their channel easy. Again, variety differs between all the girls, but expect a lot of Nintendo games, chat streams, karaoke, and Minecraft across the board.

-Tokino Sora OG mom slash idol, debuted all the way back in 2017. Probably the only proper idol in all of Hololive. Warm, friendly, relaxing. She mostly does 3d variety streams and song debuts so she's hard to follow without advanced japanese.

-Roboco(-san) Pose happy killer robo with a notably smokey voice and calming demeanor. Plays a large amount of minecraft and first-person games in general; recent streams include ARK, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon remaster, Apex, and Fortnite.

-Sakura Miko ELIIIITE MLG miko idol with a tendency to swear a bit. High energy, fully embraced 'press f', gives herself sunglasses during streams, great friends with Pekora. Also notably into eroge. Did a full playthrough of Papers Please lately and is one of the most addicted to ARK (21 streams at around 4-5 hours each.)

1st Generation -Yozora Mel Sleepy vampire with the occasional killer instinct. Soothing, gentle, kind of lewd. Very much into nintendo games with Smash, Ring Fit, SwoSh, and Mario Kart being her latest content, but she's a little slower with the output. Part of the lewd blonde club with Aki, Haato, and Choco, who were demonetized until recently.

-Aki Rosenthal Cyber elf with detachable twin tails. Pretty similar to Mel in disposition, though less sleepy and more...I want to say 'fantastical'. Recently gained popularity due to her buck naked superhuman beefcake character in ARK, with Kerbal, Go Home, and some ASMR rounding out the rest of her content.

-Natsuiro Matsuri Eternal 17 year old cheerleader from the class next door, Matsuri is a high energy raging lesbian who's also a complete sweetie. Her infamous bandaid clip is what got a lot of western fans into Hololive. Plays a wide variety of games but also twitcasts at random times of the day like when she's in bed or in the bath, just to chat with her viewers about what's on her mind. Well loved.

-Akai Haato The ESL transfer student, girl next door, Haato is, well, exactly that. Commonly traveling for studies, Haato is a bubbly girl with a fine sense for aesthetics; you'll catch her making elaborate builds in Minecraft or playing visual novels during streams, along with a smattering of other games. Notable in that she's the only girl that'll do purely English streams, likely to help with her own education. Also kind of a baka.

2nd Generation -Minato Aqua Disaster masochist maid who's actually stupidly good at video games sometimes. She's both mischievous and hard working, massively popular in China, and, again, stupidly good at games. Soulsborne speedruns, PUBG, ARK (also one of the most addicted), Minecraft (seeing a pattern?), League if you catch her bilibili streams...but she's also the one who will spend a stream calling the other girls and asking them to bully her. Wild card gremlin.

-Murasaki Shion Genius mage who doesn't do a lot with her magic. Pretty well known for her 'neeeeeee', with a distinctly smug avatar/voice. Pretty good at games too, with a variety of Pokemon, retro games, Minecraft, Smash, horror, Mario Kart, etc. Excellent singing voice too, would recommend her covers.

-Yuzuki Choco The totally-not-a-succubus demon nurse at your highschool, Choco embodies :sweating:. Obviously she's lewd, but there's also a silly and petulant side to her that's fun to watch too. ASMR is her specialty. She's also, surprisingly, really into Dead By Daylight, so if that combination sounds fun to you hit her up.

-Oozora Subaru If Haato is the girl next door, Subaru's the bro next door. A very down to earth but energetic and sporty tomgirl, she recently spent three streams and sixteen hours on trying to take down Sans. Other recent things include Live A Live, The Witch's House, and GTA. Refreshingly easy to relate to compared to the other girls sometimes.

-Nakiri Ayame Hello, honored humans~ Hololive's millenium old oni. Has a peculiar way of speaking, especially in her pronouns, which lends a certain charm if you can got on board with it; happy go lucky, easy to like, and really cute on top of all that. Recently recovered from sickness (as of 2/26) so was the last to get on the Ark craze, she's actually very fond of multiplayer games as a way of 'getting to know mortals'. Apex Legends, Mario Kart, Splatoon, etc.

GAMERS: A sort of generation on its own, and also a kind of weird designation when all the girls game so frequently. Oh well!

-Shirakami Fubuki Fox. Not a cat. Super cheerful, makes a lot of weird noises that people turn into youtube poops (that she encourages), and also a helluva gamer. Plays plenty of battle royales, ARK, and of course Nintendo/Minecraft stuff. Infamous for her absolute feral hunter instincts in Project Winter, where she commonly massacres the entire map on her lonesome when she's the traitor.

-Ookami Mio Mom wolf who has to play tsukkomi (straightman) to basically all of Hololive sometimes. Which makes it all the more hilarious during her semi-common charisma breaks, like during Haato's recent English Exam stream. Has been into EDF, Pokemon, Ghost Trick, and Splatoon lately.

-Nekomata Okayu The sleepy smug cat with the most chill personality. Notably very, VERY close with Korone, and in general kind of a playboy in general. Never denies it or any of her myriad transgressions though. Her Mother 2 run has been fun recently, but really you could just tune into her frequent chat streams and relax that way.

-Inugami Korone Dog. An oddball who kind of just goes at her own pace, playing all sorts of weird games like Nyanpo (the pokemon prototype) and weird PS1 retro games. Shows a disturbingly violent side sometimes; her ongoing Blasphemous run and recent RE4 runs have shown how much she's into that kind of stuff. But also she's still a dog, so really don't worry.

Inonaka Music: -AZKi AZKi is closely associated with Hololive but is really more of her own thing, being even more idol than Sora is. Doesn't stream much if at all, has her own album out, does music collabs more than anything else, etc. Helluva singer though.

-Hoshimachi Suisei The vtuber idol who's totally not a psychopath, and totally a goddess at tetris. Like Fubuki, made a name for herself with her psychotic rampages in Project Winter, and also very much unfazed by horror games. Really fucking good at tetris too, doing 98v1 streams lately in Tetris 99, and a godly songstress too. Her karaoke streams are to die for.

3rd Generation: Also known as Hololive Fantasy. These girls are particularly close to each other. If you can find translated clips, I definitely recommend their host club streams where they compete in seducing other Vtubers. (Yes. That's serious)

-Usada Pekora AH^HA^HA^. You'd think she was a cute rabbit, but no! It's a Tewi level shitposter combined with some legit video game skills. She likes playing the heel deliberately just for shits and giggles, like when she nearly walked off with Miko's Nether Star. She's in fact very close to Miko, their relationship being both great friends and great rivals. Definitely one of the most addicted to ARK too; she's been making headway in conquering the ocean.

-Shiranui Flare Handsome half-elf archer, Flare's the designated tsukkomi of the third generation. She's definitely the most down to earth of them, charismatic to boot, and does as she pleases with a relaxed personality and husky, smokey voice. Very very VERY close to Noel. You'll find some really fun playthroughs of various action games like Dark Souls, Bayonetta, and Sekiro on her channel, and thanks to her picking up game mechanics fast they're fun to watch for anyone.

-Shirogane Noel Knight Captain of the Shirogane Knights, Noel's...kind of an airhead, actually. But she's definitely a pleasant, softspoken sort of person who's incredibly relaxing to listen to. Also a big eater, you'll hear her talk about beef bowls and muscles a lot. Just try not to stare too much at her 'pectorals.' As mentioned, VERY close to Flare (they just had a two day long date to a ryokan). Plays whatever with no focus in particular.

-Uruha Rushia The cute, soft, innocent apprentice necromancer, Rushia occasionally comes out of the gates roaring with rage filled screams before chilling out. An absolute cutie though, who loves her fans very much (though really every Hololive member does), her attempts to be cool and reliable lend to some great comedy. She's got a great singing voice if you can find one of her bilibili streams, and otherwise plays a wide variety of things.

-Houshou Marine A~hoy~. The completely safe for work, modern, not-cosplay eternal 17 pirate...and everything I just said was a lie. Most of it anyways. Marine's a riot of a lady with an incredibly dirty mind and dirtier motor mouth, great voice acting ability, and knack for art that she'll happily show off (among other things). Definitely one of my favorites, you'll find plenty of chat and art content on her channel, along with some of the most Ark addiction and a full array of Touhou game playthroughs.

4th Generation: Hololive's newest five girls, it's been a month and change since they debuted. They're notable for working together on some of the most wild content Hololive's put out so far, all helmed by a certain dragon. But we'll get to that.

-Tokoyami Towa The little devil that does whatever she wants, Towa's known for a couple of other things at this point: refreshingly honest personality, Pokemon playthroughs with an eclectic choice in team comp, and her charmingly atypical tomboy voice (though her mic's not amazing). Great singer, super funny if you can find the rare translated clip of her, and was an absolute menace at the recent Hololive werewolf/mafia game. How she managed to fake being a Seer from day one and nearly win, I'll never know.

-Tsunomaki Watame Hololive's bouncy sheep. Ram? Something like that. A very girly, friendly, lightly ara-ara personality, she's an honest and open with her feelings sort of girl. Earnest laughter at chat and games, real emotional tears while watching the live concert with her generation mates, Watame's a total sweetheart who streams a bit of music everyday as the pre-show to Coco's Morning Shitposts (official name). She's also gotten very close to her senpais in some regards...but above all she likes singing, chilling out in Minecraft, and recently playing through a couple Kirby games.

-Himemori Luna If you want to see a completely innocent cinnamon roll looking character say things like 'ass' and 'don't f*cking take crystal m*th', Luna's your gal. Her high pitched, almost childlike voice takes a bit of getting used to but she's a sweetheart that just has fun no matter what she's doing. But she'll also say a bunch of really funny shit while doing it just from sheer juxtaposition of her voice/appearance and the vocabulary. Surprisingly good at video games too.

-Amane Kanata PP Tenshi. Perfect Pitch, Powerpoint...Kanata's a bit of a sheltered honor student sort of girl who has an incredible vocal range, so much you'd be forgiven for thinking she was a professional voice actor or singer. She loves playing along with jokes even if she doesn't get them some times, and is really close with Coco. If not for said dragon she'd be the biggest memelord in the 4th generation, but alas; her channel has lots of collabs with fellow members and a series of cute 'research' videos on the various generations of Hololive. Unfortunately untranslated though.

-Kiryuu Coco The one, the only, the President of Nishinari herself, Coco has been a force of nature since she debuted. Her vulgar sense of humor, rapid fire jokester nature, fluent English speaking, and complete conversion of Hololive to the wonders of dinosaur taming in Ark has made her one of the most subscribed girls in a matter of weeks. Every day at 6am JST or 1pm PST, she does a quick 20 minute gig called Coco News (officially translated as Coco's Morning Shitpost) where she reports on the various ongoings in Hololive. This ingeniously brings attention to the silly crap everyone's been up to, really fostering a sense of community between the girls you don't see elsewhere, while also being a riot to watch as she roasts everyone for their silliness (with full permission). Other notable memes include her stalwart boycotting of Nintendo Switches, her desire to fund a Hololive house, and her recent Hitman 2 run.

#Hololive #Virtual Youtuber #Inonaka Music

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 4 years

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Here I sit, on the cusp of Father’s Day, feeling both with and without Father — while the earth has a fever and pirates run amuck.

I remember my father crying. I’m not sure when or at what age, though I could venture a guess — I was (perhaps) six. It was over our beagle. In my fifty-one years, I’ve witnessed men cry over dogs more than anything else.

Men’s tears can be elusive, poignant, and fleeting — the rain that softens deserts. Perhaps this is what father hunger is, more of a thirst than a pang — a universal longing for what is muscle to become water. As Father’s Day nears, it has me pondering, what does it take to be a good father — to be a fully present dad? What is the cultural legacy of fatherly absence, be it physical, emotional, or both?

I am a woman and a mother. I make no claims to have personal experience with living in the body of a cis-gendered male or being a father. I risk coming off as critiquing. There are good men in this world. There are earnest men in this world. They show up daily and bring their best. I have experienced and witnessed men at their best. Soft and solid. Breath and bone. Able to cry and shout at the heavens, leading with humility, grace, and integrity.

I have experienced men at their worst. Walking out on fatherhood, being on the receiving end of a fist, or equally painful, a word that packs a punch at what resides between my legs. Perhaps most confusing, I have experienced such vulnerability and destruction coming from the same men; men I have loved and trusted. Many have experienced variations of this. Father-hunger transcends gender, hitting us individually and societally. Given our current political climate, I believe, the US is currently a land of orphans. We are without a father, and to date, show little interest in a mother (though I’m confident, we’d all benefit from a hefty dose of Her).

To be wrapped in the arms of a father who keeps monsters at bay and simultaneously shushes and soothes is profoundly comforting and protective. The presence of masculine energy that can laugh and cry, lead and submit, love, and be loved, shelters us. And it begs the question(s): what if protection and nurturing are synonymous? What if providing equals feeding hearts as well as bellies? When we genderize emotions and behaviors, what are the ramifications for our children and our society? If mothering equates to affection, tenderness, nurturing, devotion, and fathering, it translates to protecting, providing, stoicism and strength, where does love land? When love gets genderized, and the very language a father speaks must omit a constellation of words, tones, and gestures deemed too feminine, what type of father remains?

On Thesaurus.com, the word protection is synonymous with invulnerability, which unsettles me to no end. To be without vulnerability is to either be dead or without heart. Nothing about either is protective. The disavowing of vulnerability is indicative of a culture with a wall so towering that it’s no wonder we can no longer elect a leader, much less have meaningful dialog. Like the lost boys, we’ve grown feral. Donald Trump is a man who will not uncloak and espouse empathy, cry, or admit error. His very being has ushered us to Neverland, with all its Disneyesque gaud and drama, and where we will never, ever, grow up. Remember that Peter Pan was without father or mother — that he did not have a shadow attached to his heel. That it was Wendy who tirelessly sat by the window with needle and thread in hand. A man severed from his shadow must not be trusted.

As a full-time single mother, I’ve protected and provided. I’ve lugged wood, shoveled snow, built a business, and breastfed through all seasons. I’ve mothered and fathered, drawing more on gut and improv than personal experience. I’ve struggled to find my place in this quaint binary world that values couples over singledom and picture-perfect corners to differentiate mothers from fathers. I’ve been on the receiving end of having a father and partaken in a partnership resulting in the making of one. Yet here I sit, on the cusp of Father’s Day, feeling both with and without Father — while the earth has a fever and pirates run amuck. There is raping, pillaging, and fires everywhere. Yet (literally) few who take our temperature, provide protection, and minister to what ails us.

I have a dad who loved me. He did not have a son, but rather, two rambunctious girls who were eager to shadow him. He took us fishing trout and tracking deer. He taught us to plant cherry red radishes and shoot a 12 gauge shotgun. I remember my ten-year-old sister’s silver braces getting knocked off her front teeth from the gun’s kick back, and how she sported a ruddy ring stamped from the blow of the scope on her forehead.

Like many men of the Silent Generation, he was rain, and he was thunder. He loved booming fireworks and the sleepy Berkshire woods. In November, he’d bring home a buck and string it up in our garage, crimson blood pooling on the concrete floor below. There was the night he couldn’t shoot our hound, who lay crippled and ailing in the moonlight. My father sitting quietly by her side, rifle in hand, tears streaming down his face. In hindsight, I never saw those tears. I was sleeping. But I woke to the story of them.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marital distress, has spent the past 40 years researching relational demise. His findings afford us a path towards embodying love that transcends gender — offering husbands and fathers alike a roadmap to a deeper connection, better health, and the ending of familial legacies marked by control, rage, loneliness, and the generational trauma that ensues. He speaks to the acceptance of influence, which is a sharing of power. It is a critical concept that resides at the heart of Gottman’s findings, which also factor in gender — concluding that the issue of not accepting influence tends to be primarily one-directional. That by and large (for reasons much broader than the scope of this essay), women are mainly oriented to share power and, in turn, cultivate reciprocity in relationships. Men, on the other hand, are more apt to struggle in this arena.

According to Thesaurus.com, the number one antonym for power is impotence. Followed by impairment, uselessness, weakness, and so on. Finally, ranking in at number eighteen, we land on yield, which appears to have inched its way into this category as an afterthought. Go further down the rabbit hole, and you’ll see that yield correlates with bow, a term deemed synonymous with accept. These words: power, impotence, yield, and accept uniquely convey values and implicit bias. And while some of us might be open to yielding, few would welcome impotence.

How do we, as a society, regard husbands and fathers when they fall off their white horses and submit? How do men reconcile what is tender in themselves with a language that morphs this very tenderness into castration?

We must extricate patriarchy from masculinity, impotence from yielding, and invulnerability from protection. We must carry bucket loads of grief for every kicked dog, slapped child, drowned kitten, stolen sister, broken boy, snuffed out brother, bereft mother, and fatherless father. We must work tirelessly, performing the tedious task of sewing on our shadows so that we are grounded and connected by the thread of common humanity.

This Father’s Day, I’m grateful for father’s tears and thankful for every man who can be silly, say he’s sorry, and love a dog. I’m holding awe for the bravery and strength that men demonstrate when they risk vulnerability and lay down their weapons, choosing courage over comfort — connection over self. Men who hold mother as well as father in the cup of their calloused hands. Who tear down walls while changing diapers. Bake bread while building houses. This world both needs and wants you. We are thirsty. So please, bring on the rain.

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