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Myrtle Evans, undated.

Into the night - Chapter 115

“I wanted to come over when Noah was born, but I didn't have the money and James said..” she defended herself poorly, it was the truth though, she couldn't afford coming over and James didn't seem eager at all to lend her the money, telling her over the phone that she had to deal with her money problem by herself once and for all, she really had to ask herself how much she wanted to be there, he had said. “You were already an adult at the time, Miss McLeod, and adults spend their money more wisely than squander it on booze and clubbing, or were you jealous because your big brother built a life for himself and with his son being born, you were pushed further down his list of priorities or did you really think he would provide for you all your life?”. Jordan could feel the tears of frustration bubble up, no, no way, not here McLeod, NOT here, “no of course not! I was never on James' list of priorities, I don't think he even loved me” she softly breathed trying desperately to keep the tears at bay while Jared in the back of the room held his breath, there she was again, the vulnerable young woman he loved so much, no walls, no front, just her and the truth. “Now now, Miss McLeod, people feeling sorry for themselves are not the prettiest of sights, “Did you have other questions for Miss McLeod, counselor?” the judge came to her defense, “as a matter of fact I do, your honour” the counselor flashed the judge a fake smile who nodded briefly. “Miss McLeod, you have a serious heart condition, is that correct?” his voice smooth as butter, “Uhm..yes” she looked up again, “so serious in fact that you will need a heart transplant to survive?”, this was not something she wanted to discuss with the rest of the world so she just nodded. “And do you think it's wise to fight over custody of a young boy, when your future is..well let's just say 'limited'” a dissaproving gasp vibrated through the audience but the counselor just carried on “I believe you were diagnosed in London? And you were put on the transplant list there in London, right?” he approached the bench where Jordan sat. “Yes” Jordan's eyes flew to Noah who wriggled uncomfortably in his seat like he always did when they were talking about  her heart, “ok, and when you were put on the transplant list, did the doctors not forbid you to leave the country?” she knew where he wanted to take this “yes but..Jared was..” she started in a squeaky voice. “And yet you ignored the doctor's orders and you flew to LA taking the boy with you, putting his life at risk too, didn't you, Miss McLeod? And to top it all off, you were put on the transplant list here as well, you do like to make good use of the tax payers money here, don't you?” he raised his eyebrows at her, “No..yes...I mean yes, I flew to LA but that was because of..” she tried to defend her actions but he instantly finished her sentence for her “You flew to LA, ignoring everything, only to end up in jail when you arrived..my, my, Miss McLeod, you do have quite a track record, don't you? I could go on for days about all the stunts you pulled that weren't exactly in the boy's best interest, everything you do is not about him, is it? It's about you and your ego that can't seem to understand the obvious and that is that you're an unfit mother, Miss McLeod, so why don't you give it up, because it seems to me that this war is already won by the Duncan family but since you do so eagerly want custody, why don't you tell us about your time in jail and make sure not to miss out on the part where even Mr. Leto was so fed up with you that he let the police arrest you”. Jordan swallowed hard “It's not like that..” but once again he cut her off “'It's never like that', 'it's not true' is that really all you can say, Miss McLeod? because I've got the police report right here with me if you want to have a look at it and jog your memory..no further questions, your honour” he took a step back staring at her all intimidating and then turned on his heels to join the family again. By the end of the courtday, her mind was spinning and she didn't know her left from right anymore, behind her everybody was leaving the room but she remained seated, her head hung low she tried to catch her breath while her heart was hurting.

”Hey..” her head shot up as someone sat down next to her with a whisper, she didn't say anything, she just looked at him for a second and then hung her head again, he had been here all this time? Just to gloat?. He wanted to put his arm around her and pull her in for a hug but he hesitated because he feared her reaction, instead she got up, gathered her things and limped out of the room as fast as was physically possible with a crooked shoe. Jared followed her suit, catching up with her in the long hallway “Jordan, wait..” he breathed as he reached for her elbow, “I need to catch the bus” she just kept walking, refusing to look at him, hesitating a bit when the late afternoon sun outside almost blinded her. “My car's right there, come on, don't be silly and let's just go home” why was he talking to her like nothing had happened? Jordan stopped in her tracks and nervously pushed a strand of hair out of her face “home? I don't have a home here, I never had a home here, Jared, home is London, which is exactly where I should have stayed instead of flying all across the world to come and save your ass so you could throw mine in jail” she snarled and then started to walk down the steps. On her way down, the heel of her shoe gave up and she nearly fell, Jared couldn't watch it anymore and rushed over to her “Come on, you and I are gonna get a coffee somewhere” he folded his arm around her waist and didn't take no for an answer as he helped her back to safe grounds. His touch, his proximity, it was enough to unleash the strain and stress of the day, tears flowing uncontrollably down her cheeks, he didn't say anything he just held and guided her towards the coffeeshop at the foot of the courthouse. There was a reason why he took her to the coffeeshop, it was neutral grounds, she couldn't push him away here, maybe she would even let him explain. An old-fashioned doorbell clanged as they walked inside the crowded room, “that's a nice spot..and the only free spot from the looks of it” he gave her a careful smile, pointing at a secluded table in the back of the room “I'll go order”. Jordan tried to cover up her broken shoe and literally tiptoed her way over to the table, keeping her head down and not looking at anyone, she didn't want anyone to see her tears and her despair but soon she heard the whispering start up around her.

“I got you a chai latte, I know you love tea..” he sat down, putting the cup in front of her, he clearly felt the awkwardness between them so he babbled on “you know, this reminds me of all the times we went for coffee in London, just you and I..”. Jordan just stared at him, this was pointless and useless, if talking about London and provoking her to feel even more homesick was his idea of talking then there was no way she was gonna stay here, broken shoeheel or no broken shoeheel “Look, I really don't have time for this, I told you I need to catch my bus” she already got up again. His hand folded around her wrist “No, stay! Please? I'm sorry..I guess I'm just as nervous as you are..” It was a rare sight, Jared setting that almighty ego of his aside and admitting he was nervous and basically just human so she sat down again. “So..uhm, what are we gonna do about this? About Noah I mean” he still couldn't find the right words to say but it was a start, “we? We're not gonna do anything, the question is what am I gonna do? And the answer is already pretty obvious, isn't it?” she sighed and stared at her tea that had milk in it and if there was one thing she hated, it was milk in her tea, once again it was clear how little he really knew about her. “There's nothing to do, that lawyer of them has clearly been researching every single little detail in my past, who knows what else he's gonna dish out..it's..just..so painful..maybe he's right, maybe I'm not fit to be looking after Noah..but he really didn't need to remind me of my 'limited future'..” she shook her head, desperately trying to swallow that hard lump in her throat. “I'm scared enough as it is..of dying alone and that's exactly what I'm gonna do..oh djeezes..” she quickly hung her head and shook it, she didn't want to deal with this right now, not here, not in front of him anyway. Jared had to force himself to remain seated, he wanted to push this table that was seperating their bodies away and hold her tight, but there were a lot of spies in this place that had been in the courtroom as well and he didn't want to jeopardize any of her chances if she had any at all. “Let me help..please..” his hand reached for hers but she quickly folded them around her hot cup of tea, “you really don't get it, do you Jared? What are you gonna do? Throw in the big guns? get one of your hotshot lawyers to step in and solve all this? Because the outcome is gonna be exactly the same, yes I might get custody of Noah, and then what? I die and he's assigned to his grandparents again? No, it's best if Noah stays with them..plus, how do you think I would feel if I let you do this? I'll tell you how it would make me feel, it would make me feel as if I'm just money to you, I guess in this world everyone and anything can be bought..but not me..love has no price tag, Jared..and I loved you..god I loved you so damn much..but that was my downfall, wasn't it? What we had..I let myself want it..and the minute it gets a bit difficult, you turned around and walked away..like I meant nothing to you..what you said out there on that driveway..ripped my heart right out of my chest” she realized she was the one babbling now and abruptly stopped. “I'm sorry, I can't do this..I've got to go” she suddenly grabbed her purse, fished out a few dollar bills and threw them on the table before she nervously pushed her chair back and limped back out of the coffeeshop.

The cool early evening breeze made her shiver as she stepped out on the pavement and finally she allowed herself to cry, not caring anymore who saw as she dissapeared into the crowd of people going home from work, friends going for drinks, couples on their way to a romantic dinnerdate, partygoeers on their way to the first bar of the night, while she made her way to the busstop with her broken heart under her arm and a broken shoe on her foot. Jared pushed the money in his pocket and got up but was stopped by a few girls that had recognized him and wanted to take a picture so as soon as the camera clicked he walked out and tried to push himself a way through the usual pavement mayhem but he was just in time to see her get on a bus. Jordan found herself a spot in the back when her phone started ringing, not recognizing the number she ignored it at first, but just when she wanted to put her phone back in her pocket, it started ringing again, hesitantly she picked up. “Miss McLeod, this is Dr. Dadkhah from the Cardiology department at Cedar's” she heard a man say in her ear and her head shot up, “Oh.hi” she stammered, trying to keep her heart from racing, could this be..THE call?. “I'm calling because we have to do some tests, there might be a possible donor heart in the next days” the seriousness in his voice made her mouth go all dry, oh god, what? “we'll need you to come down here for the tests and talk about the details tomorrow morning at 9”. Jordan just sat there, trying to digest the news and then stammered “yes..yes I'll be there”. He confirmed the time again and then hung up, her ears still ringing as the bus puffed its' way further downtown to make his climb up to the hills. “And? Did you see her?” Shannon who had been waiting for news all day, came walking up to him, “yeah..yeah I did see her” Jared sighed, taking off his jacket, “and? How did it go?” his brother followed him into the living room. “Not good..she walked in without any legal help, needless to say she got fried by the Duncan's lawyer” he closed his eyes and sighed “she's given up, she's actually given up on everything, she's given up on Noah, on me, her heart..” running his hands through his long hair “she's never gonna forgive me”. Shannon looked at his brother and tried to lift his spirit “she may have given up, but you can't give up on her, Jared”.

The doorbell suddenly rang through their conversation “hang on” Shannon said, whoever it was he was determined to get rid of him quickly but then he opened the door and saw Jordan standing there, completely out of breath and shaking like a leaf “Shannon..I..” she swallowed hard like she had just run a marathon “Jared..is..he here?”. Just when she was about to tumble to the ground, Shannon grabbed her while Jared who had heard the commotion came running, pushed Shannon out of the way and scooped her up in his arms to carry her over to the living room. “I'll call a doctor” he put her down ever so gently but she put her hands on his arms “No..no doctor..” and struggled against him wanting to push her down. “Jordan..what happened? Calm down, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack” he breathed all worried when he looked at her worried face, her cheeks bright red “water, I need some water” she mumbled, her mouth awfully dry from all the running up the hill she had done. Shannon immediately shot into action and ran to the kitchen while she sat up and covered her heart with her hand, closing her eyes as she tried to control the mad beating inside of her, “I got a phone call..I panicked..I didn't know where else to go..” she rattled. “Ok, slow down, you got a phone call?” he didn't know what she was on about, but the one thing he knew was that his own heart was beating out of his chest, she was here, she had come to him, nowhere else. Shannon handed her the glass of water and with every sip she became calmer “Yes..I got a call..from the hospital” she breathed, “what?” Jared gasped. “He said that there might be a heart for me over the next couple of days” her mind was still racing, even when she said it, she could hardly believe it and neither could the brothers as they sat there gawking at her. “I'm sorry..I panicked..I didn't know who else to turn to” she stuttered and got up as she realized where she was and what she had done, “No, don't go..” he stepped in front of her “I'm glad you came over” and pulled her against his chest, hugging her tight “that's the best news ever” he whispered in her hair. And this time, she let him hold her, she even let her arms rise and fold over his broad back while he kept whispering “I'm gonna help you, we're gonna get through this, just you, me and Noah” and sealed that vow with a long overdue kiss in her hair.

an incomplete list of things i love, as inspired by the wonderful @ofgeography

walking home from the bus stop in the afternoon, when the air is crisp and the light is orange-gold and heavy with nostalgia, like you’re walking through an old photograph

dressing to impress, with dark lipstick and winged eyeliner so sharp it could kill a man, and feeling powerful

cosy jumpers and mugs of tea and feeling warm and soft

hearing the rain on a tin roof and being snug and warm in bed with a book, knowing that however bad the weather is outside, you’re warm and cosy and safe

having laughed with friends for so long that the tiniest thing is hysterical, gasping for breath and feeling utterly effervescent

conversations that start from the most innocuous beginnings, and spiral down so many interesting tangents that two hours later, you’ve forgotten the entire point you were trying to make in the first place, but it doesn’t matter at all

sharing bizarre stories and conspiracies in an incredibly convoluted web of references that only a handful of friends will get, but the ones who know what it’s about, know

awful puns that make everyone groan, but feel so good to say

terrible dodgy jokes, and the ripple of meaningful eye contact that happens before the punchline is delivered

sitting in an orchestra, surrounded by immense and beautiful sound, and being a part of something so much greater than a single person

performing onstage and being alone with the music and the lights, and knowing that what is coming out of you is the best thing you can possibly produce

driving down an open road with the radio blaring, singing at the top of your lungs to what, for the next couple of minutes, is the best song in the entire world

doing any kind of mundane chore with music, actually, because having sound just fill your entire body, and being able to screech along with it, makes any activity better

and the times when a whole group of you are doing it are amazing

long coats

pocketwatches

t-shirts and blazers

the click of shoeheels on polished floors

the smell of woodsmoke

the sheer giddy delight of being in a proper snowfall for the first time

the kind of weather where it’s clear and cold, but fresh, more than cold, and you just feel alive

calm, quiet nights where you can see the stars

feeling so beautifully small in relation to the universe, and knowing that so much is out there

just so infinitely much, stars growing and dying and planets evolving, and all the things we don’t know about and can’t even imagine

that one gorgeous sunrise on a bus to quebec city that was worth getting up at 4:45am for

the moment after you finish a really good book, the type you devour in one sitting, where it feels like a layer of plastic has been peeled away from the world and everything is soap-bubble-shiny, and sharp as cut glass

amazing plot twists you didn’t see coming

plot twists you did see coming, and make you feel like sherlock freakin’ holmes

working out how something is done

and being able to replicate it yourself

sitting down to a good meal that you made, and the feeling that you’re a successful adult who can actually make it in the world on your own

the satisfaction that comes with crossing everything off your to-do list

and the relief that comes from finishing a test, or successfully navigating a difficult activity

seeing something you just know you have to tell a particular person about, and their reaction when you say you thought of them

and associations in general, how tiny things can bring back worlds of meaning

old books

languages, and etymologies, and how words change over time and evolve from language to language

the figures of rhetoric that make anything sound beautiful

slightly offbeat phrases and expressions that don’t quite work, but then again, absolutely do work

remembering something you fully expected to have forgotten

the fact that this list can go on and on, and i don’t even feel like i’ve covered half of it

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