can you believe i got so caught up in everything that i nearly forgot about the family wide coping skill of going for a walk. to be fair winter makes it a bit more challenging but wow. sunny days are upon us

as 2018 is ending ive come up with a new years resolution. i want to be someone other people want to be around , i want to be kinder. i want to be someone that can make people forget their worries for a while so that they can be themselves without being judged/screamed at/. this will most likely be hard because i have a brash personality and not everyone sees it that i’m joking. But im going to work on this.

im seeing atlas n icarus used a lot but y’all forgetting the real mvp, persephone, who proved that having seasonal depression is cause of men

So I’ve been kinda MIA

And the reason for that is because my depression has reared its ugly ass head again and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything aside from the bare minimum to just get through the day. 

I’m also finally making an appointment to go see my doctor and figure out wtf is up with my body. 

For those of you who don’t know or don’t remember, my dad had an operation not long ago to remove a thyroid duct cyst and during the surgery they found a mass on his thyroid gland. The whole gland ended up being removed just in case and after a biopsy of the mass, we found out it was in fact cancerous. However, they luckily caught it before it spread anywhere so he doesn’t need any further treatment aside from taking synthroid for the rest of his life since he no longer has a thyroid gland. 

* this ended up being a super ranty long post that’s super personal so if you wanna read the rest of it, it’s under the cut *

My mom has always been suspicious that I (and now my sister) have something up with our thyroids but when I went to my doctor about it when I was 19, she brushed me off. I’ve always been kind of on the heavier side despite the fact that I eat well and am an active person. When I started college I started going to the gym on campus with my friends a few times a week and got serious about what I was eating (until that point I’d eat.... okay... but not great). I even went completely vegan for a few months. But didn’t see any changes at all. After almost a year of constantly going to the gym, eating well, cutting out alcohol and soda, I had lost a whopping 5 pounds. Which is so negligible that like wtf is even 5 lbs come on now. 

So I went to my doctor and explained this and she asked me about what kind of exercise I was doing and what I was eating. At the time, I was going the gym and running on the elliptical, since I can’t actually run IRL on like on a treadmill bc my shitty ass knees can’t handle the impact, for an hour 3-4 times a week. I was also eating far too little per day for how active I was (aside from the gym I also worked in a kitchen part time and was still horseback riding at the time). So she told me to up my caloric intake and switch to doing more resistance/strength training instead of strictly cardio. 

And I followed her advice to a fucking T girl. After six months.... nothing. Like no fucking change at all. So I went back to the doctor and explained this to her. At this point, I was feeling so defeated and was hoping for some support. What did she tell me? That I must be lying about something. She basically didn’t believe me when I told her how & what I was eating and how much I was exercising. I asked her to please run a thyroid test and she said there was no reason to think that was necessary, but she did take some blood to check my blood sugar levels, because obviously if you’re a thicker girl then clearly you have diabetes. Except I didn’t. My cholesterol was great and so was my blood sugar. She said that I must just be stress from being a busy college student and suggested upping my anti-anxiety meds. 

I never called her back or stepped a toe back into that office. Since then, it’s been a fucking battle with my body and over the past year, I’ve definitely gained a lot of weight and am the heaviest I’ve ever been. 

Except I’m getting married in the summer and girl I wanna look good for that and for my honeymoon. So I’ve been working out again regularly AND with my new jobs, I’m on my feet more than I ever have been. Like okay here’s a regular day for me: 

-Go see dog walking clients; that can be 1-3 hours of walking around (mostly uphill bc hey it’s hilly here) depending on how many clients I have to see that day - Go home and walk my own dogs for 40 minutes to an hour - Then I either go to private consults where I’m moving around and playing tug with dogs and running around with dogs, or I’m teaching classes where I’m also constantly running around and squatting down to deal with this dog and then playing tug and dah dah dah dah - Go home and either do yoga or hit the gym and do some weights depending on the day

Like.... before Scarlett chewed my FitBit to death (RIP baby), my average steps per day was between 15-20,000. So like..... you’d think I’d see SOME kinda change. Especially because I got a better meal plan figured out and have been eating right and just... nothing. No change at all. 

My body feels physically exhausted all the time- mostly because another big problem is I can’t fucking sleep like a normal human being; my hair refuses to grow and gets thinner and finer every day; and now I wonder if the random depressive episodes I get into are purely just because my hormones are all out of whack. My therapist always seemed confused by the weird depression I have because it comes completely out of nowhere. Like, given the shit I’ve been through in my life yeah having depression would be understandable, but I’ve worked through all of that shit and I keep working through it and I’ve dealt with it and moved the fuck on and out from it. He had also been telling me I should go to the doctor and get shit checked out because yeah I have an anxiety disorder, that makes sense, but the depression is always so random. I’ve been on Seasonale for like... 6 years now I think? And I really wonder if the reason my problems aren’t more severe is because that keeps a large portion of my hormones extremely regulated. That was one of the reasons I started taking Seasonale in the first place- because I was so hormonal and was experiencing these crazy mood swings. And yeah it definitely got wayyyy better after I started the Seasonale (not to mention my periods are gone so no more crazy heavy bleeding and clotting and immense pain) but I’ve always wondered.........

One of the reasons I haven’t gone to my new doctor about all this is because I’m scared. I’m scared she’s going to be like my old doctor and not believe me, I’m scared that what if it isn’t my thyroid and what if nothing’s wrong with me... then I’m just stuck like this? Ugh, girl no. Plus medical stuff is a huge trigger for my anxiety anyway. I’ve always had bad experiences. Your knee hurts? Well girl, get ready for three surgeries, multiple full leg braces, and have arthritis at 24 years old. Weirdness in your ear? Oooooh girl you gotta go get a CAT scan NOW because it might be a blood clot and you could stroke out and DIE. That last one led to one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had and is the main reason I’m so scared to go to the doctor now. That feeling of knowing that something might be seriously wrong with you, that something could potentially kill you at any moment, was utterly terrifying. 

So anyway this has been super longwinded and personal and not dog related in any way whatsoever but if you care the huas are good and we’ve been working on some foundational stuff for agility again, which I’m hoping to get them back into soon. 

Also planning weddings, even our non-wedding-wedding, is the actual worst thing on this earth and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. 

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... since and not once had an issue. the only thing is that it did not help with my cramps and back pain, as the months go on, the pain gets worse and worse. i also have times of severe mood swings and depression. im switching to seasonale this month to see if it works any better. by todd from whitesboro, ... from Google Alert - Back Pain http://ift.tt/2BhRkvm

Aha

My body is giving out that last hurrah before the seasonall depression kicks in

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... and not once had an issue. the only thing is that it did not help with my cramps and back pain, as the months go on, the pain gets worse and worse. i also have times of severe mood swings and depression. im switching to seasonale this month to see if it works any better. by todd from whitesboro, tx from Google Alert - Back Pain http://ift.tt/2DsU4fB