I was just thinking today about using direct quotations in essays or meta, as I sometimes do, and how on the one hand, I do think it's important to refer to what you're talking about, but on the other hand, tossing around decontextualized quotes to substantiate a sketchy reading is ... very common, also.

I don't have my copy of LOTR on me, but it's like, you can talk about the description of Faramir as "a lord who tamed a wild shieldmaiden of the North" or something to that effect and how #problematic it is. But in context, that line is Éowyn half-joking about what their relationship might look like to racist Gondorian Dúnedain.

That is, she's asking if he's cool with people saying that their relationship = he tamed a wild (by Gondorian standards) woman of a racially inferior people when he might have chosen a more pure-blooded Númenórean. Faramir does not give a single fuck what those people think and kisses her in full sight of the city.

So if you take all that away and just extract the "tamed" quote, you're ... kind of misrepresenting its function in the dialogue and what they're actually talking about in the first place. Meh.

New Amsterdam Season 3x7: The Groundwork to Heal and Rebuild

Last night’s episode truly blew me away. It’s definitely one of the best episodes in the series. To be honest, I was incredibly anxious about how the show would handle systemic racism in the healthcare system but I think the writers did a beautiful job. I love how they have redirected Max’s story. It truly is a great character shift. Max has gone from the “how can I help” guy who tries to solve everything and usually always succeeds at it, to the guy who fails miserably and in frustration even throws in the towel. It’s so refreshing because the Max we had before this shift was unrealistic. This season is so good because this season feels real and authentic and Max though idealistic, is finally getting a big dose of reality in how he operates. I don’t think the show is ever going to give us season 1 or 2 Max again and that’s a good thing! That means our male lead is finally growing and evolving. It’s character development baby and we love to see it!  I also love where the storyline is going for Helen. I have always had a head canon that Helen has some wild baby sister that would pop into her life to live with her and Helen would look out for her and take her under her wing. The story line with Meena is way better than my head canon and kinda falls in line with what I’ve always imagined. I’m so happy that Helen has a niece and that she’s moving in with her! This is literally the PERFECT ROLE for Helen. There’s nothing better than having a character who struggles with being vulnerable than literally having an unexpected character show up to shake things up and unroot the vulnerabilities/traumas said character has yet to deal with.  

A lot of people couldn’t understand why Helen gave up her relationship with Cassian because of her niece but I completely understand where she’s coming from. Helen is completely out of her depth here. She wanted a baby and had know plans to take in her brother’s child let alone a teenager. This is completely new territory for her and the stress of having to juggle this new role, a new relationship and her already hectic job at New Amsterdam was probably overwhelming. Like most people who have a type A personality, she is doing what she feels like she has to do to get ready. Meena moving in with Helen is purposeful on so many levels and there are three things I’m expecting to see on screen because of it.

First, we are going to see so much more of Helen on a personal level. I fully expect to see Helen’s home life way more frequently as we see her step into this aunt/mother role and raise a teenager. This is not going to be a walk in the park. Helen is going to STRUGGLE. Meena will more than likely push Helen’s buttons to know end and and bring out all the vulnerabilities that she tries so hard to keep down. It will be probably be a bit ugly at first but as Helen and Meena start to bond and find common ground, Helen will FLOURISH. We will see her at her best as she thrives in this aunt/mother role. Second, Meena is absolutely going to peep the feelings that Max and Helen have for each other and she’s going to let her opinions be known. For the most part, teenagers know how to read the room and I’m pretty sure Meena will be know different. As Helen and Meena grow closer and as she possibly interacts with Max as well, I’m pretty confident Meena will say something and play a small part in pushing Max and Helen together. Of course this is just a prediction but usually a third character calls out the obvious “Unresolved Sexual Tension” between love interests and my money is on Meena! Third, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Helen stepped down from deputy medical director to step into this aunt/mother role as Max tries to be a single father to Luna while also trying to fill a mother void in Luna’s life. When we were heading into the season finale and going into season 2, I wrote a meta detailing my thoughts about how I felt about Helen deciding to be Max’s doctor again. I didn’t necessarily agree with the decision because I believed that Helen needed to remain true to the emotional and professional boundaries she was trying to set for herself. I also believed that because it was indicated Max and Helen had feelings for each other, her role needed to shift going forward in their relationship. It took two seasons but Helen’s role has finally shifted! 🙌🏾 She is no longer Max’s doctor or deputy medical director and for once Max no longer has the crutch/excuse of trying to navigate how he feels about her through that lense!!! THIS IS HUGE!!!

Max now has to truly sit there with his feelings and feel the absence of not going to Helen for everything because of the necessity of the roles she once had in his life. He will quickly come to terms with the fact that not only is he in love with her but he’s truly wants and needs her as his LIFE PARTNER! On top of that, Ryan has literally been teasing that Max is looking for not only a partner but a mother/mother role for Luna and he’s trying to figure that out fast (I will literally link the article). Max already knows Helen’s desire to be a mom but he will literally get the chance to see Helen step into that role with Meena! This isn’t by accident and it’s all purposeful. I’ve said this a hundred times and I’ll say it again, the showrunners are setting the groundwork for them to get together this season. Something has shifted. There’s a deep longing and desperation behind Max and I genuinely believe that he is consumed with his feelings for her. Through a bathroom door he was trying to convince Helen to be co-medical director to help battle systemic racism but while he’s trying to convince her, through subtext, he is essentially asking her to be his partner in life! I saw someone mention on Twitter that it was basically a proposal in a joking manner but honestly, that’s exactly what it was. It was a subtext laced proposal! His feelings are so all consuming that he can’t truly stay on the topic at hand!!! I think Max is on the verge of the floodgates bursting wide open and he is going to lay everything out on the table. Also, seeing Max’s behavior last night oddly reminds me a bit of Mr. Darcy in the Pride and Prejudice. Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Darcy and Max don’t have the same mannerisms but the depth of the feelings they have for their love interests and how it manifests feels the same. I’ll get into this more at the conclusion of this meta.

Anyway, when I look at the season in it’s entirety so far, I see the show setting up two people that both have to develop and heal in specific areas so that they can eventually come together by the end of the season. Helen is struggling with vulnerability, feeling like she’s running out of a time with the desires she truly wants in life and now in the most unexpected way is being thrust into aunt/motherhood. Max’s idealism has been completely rocked by the pandemic and now more than ever he’s forced to be more self aware of his actions and needs to evolve from the chronic hero syndrome. He’s also essentially stepping into fatherhood again as he tries to learn and navigate being a single dad and making Luna his first priority. I think for a time Max and Helen will need to face their issues head on by themselves but as they go through their own healing journeys, they’re going to need each other. Also, they’re DEEPLY IN LOVE so even though it seems like they’re drifting a part it’s only going to be temporarily. Eventually, they’ll start “burdening” each other again.

Another important point that I want to bring up is this. In the last meta that I wrote, I mentioned how I believed that Max needs to go above and beyond to try meet Helen’s needs and support her and I genuinely believe that we will see that throughout this season. In last night’s episode, after he poured his heart out and told her that he’s grateful that she’s there with him, Helen resigned as deputy medical director. The old Max would have put up a fight and put his needs before hers because he wants her there with him but despite it being painful, he accepted her resignation. That’s growth! Taking Helen out of the equation as his number two at the hospital is going to make him so much more aware of her needs in her personal life rather than the needs of the hospital. They’re relationship has always been so intertwined with their work at New Amsterdam that Max hasn’t learned to truly prioritize Helen outside of that but this season he’s definitely going to. The absence of Helen in his literal everyday work life with the combination of his overwhelming feelings will eventually lead to a wild pursuit. A pursuit to know her heart, her wants, her needs and most importantly a pursuit to be with her.

My last point is this! I’ve made some pretty bold predictions this season about where I see Max and Helen going. Again, I think something MASSIVE is on the horizon and I honestly still think that by the end of this season Max and Helen might very well be engaged!! I don’t know Fam they’re just giving me this vibe especially Max! Last night solidified to me that he is getting to a place where his feelings are beginning to overwhelm him. This brings me back to Mr. Darcy. I believe Mr. Darcy and Max are at the same emotional level when it comes to how they feel about their significant others. When it was to much to bare for Mr. Darcy not only did he declare his love for Elizabeth but he proposed. He literally went from 0-100. Though Elizabeth rejected his first proposal, he proposed again and the second time around they had both done the work that they needed to in order to understand each other better and realize that they loved each other. I can’t help but think of Darcy saying

“You have bewitched me body and soul and I love I love I love you. And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you.”

Is it just me or is Max acting a little bit like Helen has bewitched him body and soul? He’s all over the place when it comes to her lately and his body language has changed too! Did anyone else peep how closely Max and Helen were sitting next to each other? It was so intimate for a second I thought they were going to kiss or he was going to grab her hands. I don’t know it just screamed desire to me. Also, this ongoing theme were he tells her that he “can’t do this without her” or he’s grateful that “she’s here with him” to me is in the same light of Darcy telling Elizabeth that he never wants to be parted from her. From season two onwards Max has openly expressed wanting/needing Helen by his side. Now that we are in season 3, it seems like Max need for this has only gotten deeper. I make this comparison to say that the underlying vibe of how we are seeing Max and Helen unfold this season to me points to something incredibly tangible happening between them at season end.

The thing about Max and Helen is that yes, they are a slow burn but at the same time they’re also a 0-100 type of couple. I want to write another meta to explain this in detail but what I’ll say here is that if circumstances were different in season 1 and Max wasn’t married, Max and Helen would have probably been the type of couple who got married within a couple of months of knowing each other. Also, from my perspective, once Max and Helen finally let each other know how they really feel, it’s not going to be a thing where they’re just dating like with Cassian or Panthaki. It’s going to be like it’s a wrap, I’m all in, you are my person, this is it for me type thing. It’s going to be commitment! I feel like people forget but this show started in 2018. In September it will be four years since the show premiered. Granted COVID happened in 2020, but essentially Max and Helen have been doing this tango for awhile now. The expectation should be that we are finally going to see things come into fruition in a major way this season because that’s 1000% what I believe. Everything in my gut is telling me that the time is now and they are setting them up to do groundwork to heal so that they can rebuild together. A new chapter for them is on the horizon and I’m so excited about it!

Musings on being “Too Much”and yet Not Enough

Hold on to your hats kiddos. Things are about to get real personal; and not just about me

A lot of things have been weighing on my mind recently. Although I shouldn’t say recently, because it’s been more like years.

There are a lot of things I don’t tell people. I don’t tell people things for a myriad of reasons whether it’s my claim that I “don’t want it to define me”, or “I don’t want to be a burden”, or “I don’t want people to think that I’m ‘handicapped’ or give me special treatment or think I’m making excuses or think that I’m making it up”. But here’s the truth: sometimes I need help and I need people to understand and I think, in part, that’s why I’ve finally decided to write this down.

Hi, I’m Kaitlin. I like a lot of things; so many beautiful things like art, and the stars, sunflowers, history, fantasy, books, films, thunderstorms... I love people and I would do anything to help them even if it means giving a part of myself away. My favorite color is periwinkle. I drink Earl Grey Tea because I used to watch Star Trek: Enterprise with my dad and Captain Picard drank Earl Grey tea. I’ve always wanted red hair.

These are the things that I sometimes tell people.

Here are the things I don’t:

I’m asexual. I was emotionally and physically abused most of my adolescent life in several different households by people I loved. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue when I was 11. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder when I was 11. I’ve been on and off heavy doses of medications for 12 years. I have disordered eating habits. I am unable to eat without stomach pain and dizziness. I get migraines. When I was 16 I tried to kill myself and I was put in a mental institution. I’ve been a self-harmer-my entire life. And I mean that very seriously. When I was as young as 7 I remember beating my head against the wall, scratching my arms and face when I was upset. In middles school I discovered cutting and I’ve tried to stop, but it’s like smoking. It’s a compulsion.

I’m an extremely sensitive person. I’m an extrovert and I derive most of my energy from the people around me. Which is dangerous for me. People are like a drug to me. When I’m out and people are having a good time it’s like I get high. My energy hits the roof—I don’t feel like myself. But when bad things happen, or someone is sad or angry or upset I can’t shake the malaise I get from that. I become emotionally depleted and even though it’s not my malaise I want to cry or scream. I’ve been called an HSP (highly sensitive person) or an empath but I don’t really know. What I can say is that I feel emotions really deeply. I can sense when someone’s not doing well or when they’re bursting at the seams in joy. In college I asked my French professor if she was OK, because something didn’t seem right to me and she looked at me like I was crazy, then confided she had been sexually assaulted the night before.

My dad, in a surprisingly insightful moment, once told me he thought I was like Deanna Troi from Star Trek. Deanna was half-human half-betazoid (an alien race that was psychic), but because she was half human she wasn’t fully psychic. She could sense people’s emotions, though and acted as the ship’s counselor. He said I felt too much from other people and over the years I have tried to discern my own emotions from others.

All my life I’ve been called too much. Too hyper. Too emotional. Too passionate. Too open. Too…intense. In high school I was saying I was upset that some person didn’t seem to like me and if I had done anything to upset them. One of the girls just said, “Kaitlin, you’re just a lot to handle.”

In college I was ostracized by the girls in my program because I wasn’t like them. I was shy. I didn’t like to go out. But I wanted so badly to be their friend. I was intimidated. In class we were asked to describe ourselves in one word. The word I came up with was “passionate”. A girl from my program raised her shoulders, smiling, and as she let them fall said in complete rapture, “Indescribable.” I remember one time another of the “gaggle”, as some upperclassmen had named them, seemed sick and I asked her if she was ok, if she was hungover, if she needed some Advil. She told me to fuck off.

I started making friends with the upperclassmen and was called back for both of the shows as a freshmen; suddenly they began fawning over me. But that wasn’t the end of the backhanded comments or generally feeling like I wasn’t enough for anyone. One incident that really upset me, and this is so stupid, had to do with pride and prejudice. They were all talking about the novel and I wanted to be a part of the conversation so I chimed in saying how much I loved Mr. Bingley and I thought he was so much better than Darcy. They stopped, mid conversation, and laughed. They told me I wasn’t allowed to like Mr. Bingley because I wasn’t like Jane. I was like Elizabeth and I would have to find a Mr. Darcy. I told them I didn’t want to. But what really hurt me is that even though I was the one who listened to their every complaint and offered comfort when they were upset, they were basically telling me that I would never be like Jane Bennet. I would never be soft or kind or feminine or delicate. I was only ever going to be nasty and prideful and sarcastic like Lizzy. That’s not what I ever wanted.

I don’t want to be anything other than myself. And I am complicated, as all people are. But why is it that I could never play princess?

I had a lot of bad experiences in college, many that made me stop and wonder whether or not I had inadvertently chosen to go to a very expensive high school. I was sexually assaulted by people I trusted. I was cast out by friends because of who I chose to date. Someone who called me their “best friend” slept with a boy I had been involved with. She didn’t actually “sleep with him”. She sexually assaulted him, and this wasn’t the first time she had waited for a guy to get very drunk before having sex with him while she was sober. Everyone used to joke about it, but it upset me because it was rape. Nobody takes it seriously because boys must “always want it”. People were generally nasty. And in a world so beautiful I couldn’t understand, and I still don’t, why people had to be so cruel.

So, my senior year I stopped talking to some people. It started with the two people who had sexually assaulted me and the one who had watched. I then went on to block out the girl who broke my heart by sleeping with my first kiss, knowing I still had feelings for him (she never told me I had to hear it from another person and then him). And I did this because it was too hard for me. Seeing them—it was like someone had grabbed my heart and started squeezing it. I realized it wasn’t good for me to be around these people.

But I started losing friends after college because I didn’t want to go to the same parties that these people were going to. Even if I had already chosen to forgive them. And even if they were hosted by friends I missed and cared about. I wouldn’t go. I couldn’t. It was triggering. My actual friends stopped inviting me.

This year I cut once person out and it was very hard because I live with him. Every time I see him I get the same feeling— just a twisted heart. Because I don’t want to see or talk to a person who has hurt my friend. I don’t want to speak to someone who cheats. I was furious. Because he, who openly talked about cheating on his past girlfriends, reblogs stuff on tumblr saying how terrible it is to cheat. And how much it destroys someone. Are you fucking kidding me? And yes, I was furious when I found out he cheated on my friend because she deserves so much more. And it wasn’t just once. And when you he came home he invited girls over, while still fucking around with her feelings. And that just won’t slide, buddy.

And that one choice to cut that person out of my life lost me most of the rest of my friends.

And I guess what bugs me so damn much about these people from college is they feel they’ve done no wrong. That they can post about being “empaths” and understanding and feeling other people’s emotions when they have proven time after time to be completely oblivious. Being empathetic doesn’t mean crying when you see a moving video on face book. They knew me for four years and used to say, “Kaitlin hates everything.” But they never once asked if the reason I made jokes, or acted negatively was because I was hurting. I was there, right in front of them and these empathetic, emotionally connected girls never once felt: she’s in pain.

And there’s one last thing I want to talk about. Not Being Enough.

In college my professors would tell me I wasn’t pretty enough or that I was too fat.

And even after I graduated I was continually told by people I looked up to that I was “bigger”. Or they told me I needed to be myself and have more confidence. I’ve never been a confident person. The only times I ever had confidence was when I was screaming at boys twice my size to leave someone alone, or trying to get them to confess to throwing homophobic slurs at two girls in study hall. I was quiet until I saw injustice. But then I was “being too much”.

Since the time I was 10 years old I’ve viewed myself as fat. We had just gotten back from vacation and I was looking at a picture of myself. I was smiling so widely but I was wearing a bikini and my stomach was sticking out, so I brought it to my dad and cried for hours about how I was too fat.  

How can I have confidence when I have so much else I need to learn and deal with? How can I believe in myself after years of being put down and abused? How can I believe in myself when in the same breathe you just told me “you’re too big”?

How can I be myself when it feels an awful lot like you’re saying “be less”, “be more pleasing”, “be more fake”. Because when I talk to people in Philadelphia theatre I don’t feel like I’m truly talking to them. I feel like I’m speaking to a grinning façade. I don’t want to be fake.

I want to be myself and that should be enough.

I am not perfect. I make huge, massive mistakes. I talk too much, take things too far. I have hurt people. I can be wrathful. I can be self-pitying. Morose. This post is not about blaming other people. And if it seems like I’m trying to absolve myself of the guilt I carry, or paint myself as a victim or saint, that was not my intent. It’s just another outlet for me.

So for those of you who have read all the way down to here this is the summary:

I’ve lost many friends because being around toxic people became too much for me to bear. I’m suicidal; my mental illness is not getting better—it’s getting worse.  I’m lonely and hurt and confused.

But I choose to remain soft. I am pastels and ocean breeze and if I want to dress like a fairy princess I will because I am kind and brilliant and talented enough to deserve it. I will choose to forgive the people who hurt me; but remember you do not have to choose the same.