#remember when she picked up a little box and went 'rah rah rah' and then was like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bellatrixobsessed1 · 3 years

Text

From Chin To Yon Rah (Part 36)

Azula reclines on the chair and stares up at the ceiling. She blows a strand of hair out of her face only to have it fall back where it had been, she does this several times more before it finally stays out of her eyes. She taps her feet together and drums her fingers upon her tummy--she is so thoroughly bored.

She hasn’t been this bored since father had sent her to spend a few idle days on Ember Island. Even that had ended up being more exciting than this. She slows her drumming and her frown deepens. She wonders if the baby knows that this is all its fault. She folds her arms across her chest.

When the front door opens Atsu bursts in first. He rushes past and darts up the stairs, scattering a trail of coins and cards behind him. Before she can ask, Hajime bursts out laughing. “Spirits, I’ve never seen someone look so angry to have some leisure time.”

“I was bored.”

“Still bored?”

She shakes her head, “confused.”

“I took him to one of his friend’s bending emergence celebration. He won a lot of goodies from the party games.”

“You celebrate discovering the ability to bend in the Earth Kingdom?”

“I think that it might just be a Wujing tradition.” She shrugs. “I got something for you.”

Her eyes sparkle with delight when he holds out a box of mochi. She reaches out and wiggles her fingers. It has been ages since she has delighted in her favorite treat. He sets it in her hands. “Thank you.”

He nods, “aside from boring, how was your day?”

She thinks for a moment. “Nope, that’s it, just boring.”

“Is it still boring?”

She pops a mochi ball into her mouth. “I have a feeling that it won’t be when Atsu gets back here.” She moves to make room for Hajime on the sofa. The man takes his seat and she props herself up against him. “Where is he anyways? With Caihong?”

Hajime laughs, “school, Rikka.”

“Oh, right. I forgot that children go to school.”

“What did you do?”

She shrugs, “went for a few years, then I was sent to war.”

“Right.” Hajime nods. “You were young…”

Azula nods, “most of us were.” Saying it out loud feels different. It makes it somehow worse. She holds her hand to her belly--at least her child won’t have to grow up hearing about a war. At least her child won’t be raised on war. Hajime cups his hand atop hers. “Can we talk about something else?”

“What do you want to talk about?”

Azula reaches for another ball of mochi. “What’s your favorite flavor?” She points to the treat.

“Green tea!” He answers immediately.

“I like strawberry.” She places the treat on her tongue.

“I guess I picked the right box then.”

Azula nods, “correct.” She nuzzles her head in the crook of his neck and closes her eyes. He squeezes her hand as a gentle breeze billows its way through the open window, bringing on it a perfume of jasmine and lily. She supposes that, for a boring day, it isn’t so bad.

That day she learns the value of doing nothing at all

.oOo.

Days later, she finally feels. And she feels everything. Everything horrible and unkind, that is. Everything that she thought she would never feel again. Everything and a touch of satisfaction and conquest.

She wishes that she could, at the very least, say that she had thought of showing mercy. But she hadn’t; mercy hadn't even crossed her mind. Granted, nothing had crossed her mind at all beyond a mechanical sense of duty. At least she can say that she had taken no pleasure in her vengeance. At least she can say that she feels sick over it. Sick and like she has just thrown away her last shot to be a better person. Her stomach twists and flutters. She can’t come back from this one. Whether she had felt it or not, hatred had consumed her, driven her, and ruined her. Deep down she is almost certain that hatred is all she has left even if she manages to burry it under strawberry fields and layers of clay. She is only hatred. Only a ghost of a woman who had died with her family. And for a moment she had fooled herself into believing that she was alive. That she could love and move forward that…

Sokka still keeps her company on and off and she can’t begin to understand why. She supposes that it doesn’t matter because she swears that he doesn’t look at her the same way anymore. And how can he after witnessing her kill a man? She is certain that he is looking at her the same way he had when they were younger--with fear, with caution.

It isn’t just Sokka. It is Zuzu and Mai and TyLee. And mother. She knows that everyone has remembered that she is a brutal and twisted monster. Agni, if Hajime were alive… she thinks that even he would look at her with disgust, he wouldn’t let Atsu see her anymore, he would take the baby from her. Her stomach lurches again; she wonders if Caihong has heard yet. Agni, she shouldn’t be around Caihong either...

She has made a perfect mess of her second chance.

Suddenly she wishes that she can have the empty numbness back. It is better than being nauseous with regret and anxiety. She thought that she had changed. She had fooled everyone, even herself.

She bunches in on herself and clutches her head. It hurts so terribly. Everything hurts. Everything is sad. She feels the bed dip and a hand on her shoulder. And this time she doesn’t yell at her mother to leave. “Where’s Sokka?” She asks, her voice soft and cracking. Usually he is the one to…

“I think that he’s checking on Caihong.”

This time she doesn’t snatch her hand away when her mother takes it. “I would have done the same thing.” Ursa speaks finally.

“What?”

“If someone had killed you or Zuko.” She replies. “I would have killed them where they stood. To kill a mother’s child…” she clicks her tongue. “It’s unforgivable.”

“There’s something wrong with me.”

Ursa shakes her head, “there would be something wrong if you didn’t detest that man for what he did to your family.”

“I killed him.” Just like she had shot the Avatar down before that. It has always been there, she realizes. Perhaps not a desire to kill but a startling indifference towards doing it if she has to.

“And he massacred an entire village. Several of them from what I hear. He and his band have a reputation.”

Azula sits up and presses her lips together considering the woman’s words. Perhaps in killing the man she had spared several others. Or perhaps his group will move forward without him.

Ursa seems to be doing some pondering something of her own. “You’ve done a lot on behalf of the Fire Nation military.” She comments. “Just like Lu Ten and your uncle Iroh.”

“Yes, and?”

“That’s how your father raised you.”

She gives a reflexive cringe, the feeling comes as a tickling in her tummy, an uncomfortable lolling.

“He raised you as a soldier.”

More than a daughter, he had done just that. “What are you getting at?”

“I’m trying to say that you have a sense of duty, Azula. There’s a difference between enjoying a kill and accepting that sometimes it’s necessary. Did you enjoy killing that man?”

“Yes, mother.” That’s just the thing, she is both prideful and shamed all the same. “I wanted him dead since the day I met him and he is dead.” But she wishes that she wasn’t thrilled. Wished that there wasn’t even a little bit of her that felt satisfaction.

“Do you think that I’m evil?”

Azula nods, “very much.” A small smile plays on her lips.

Mother gives her an eye roll and a light nudge.

“I don’t think that you’re evil.”

“What if I told you that I killed your grandfather?”

“I would tell you that I already know.”

Ursa sighs but pushes forward anyhow. “Do you know why I killed him?”

She has vague ideas. Little scraps that her childhood mind had collected for her.

“I killed your grandfather to protect Zuko.” She pauses. “Have you considered that you are not so much like your father? That you’re more like me?”

“I try not to.” She grumbles.

Ursa rolls her eyes. “If you wouldn’t either kill or die to protect your children, I would have a lot more questions for you.” She pauses.

“Did it bother you, mother? To know that you killed someone.”

Her face grows stern and distant. “You and Zuko are still alive.” She says at last. “I don’t regret it at all.”

“But did it bother you.”

She hums to herself, “at first it did, I suppose. But when I see Zuko alive and happy, it’s much less bothersome.”

“Atsu is dead. Juro never got to live.”

“But Caihong is a cheerful girl and there is a whole village of people like her that is still standing because that man didn’t have a chance to ravage it.” She pauses and gives Azula’s hand a squeeze. “I suppose that it’ll be hard to sleep sometimes but every day that you see Caihong playing with that badger-mole, it’ll get easier.”

“They’re afraid of me; Zuzu, Sokka…”

“They’re afraid for you.” She gives Azula’s back a gentle pat. “Come on, it’s been a while since you left your room.”

For once she listens to her mother. She gets to her feet and lets the woman lead her downstairs. Perhaps, others are looking at her with terror, but for once mother is not. For once, mother looks proud.

#Avatar The Last Airbender #Azula #Sokka #Sokkla #Fanfiction

6 notes · View notes

not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

100% Professional (Six)

MASTERLIST

*******************

“So what, he flaked out on your date?” Gwen took a loud swallow from her over sized coffee thermos and smacked her lips. “Why are you so bent out of shape, you’ve never had someone cancel a date before?”

“No.” Peter said shortly. “I’ve never had someone cancel a date before. People like dating me, they always show up.”

“Mmm. Bite me.” Gwen retorted. “Well, welcome to the club of rejection, it happens to all of us, even blonde haired stunners like myself.”

“Your hair is pink right now.” Peter pointed out and Gwen replied, “Which is the only reason why my own date got canceled last week.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t because you showed up with a stack of flyers to hand out about the evils of Hammer Tech?”

“I might have come on a little strong.” the pretty girl agreed. “I suppose protesting mega corporations isn’t everybody’s idea of a good time.”

“No, probably not.” Peter slumped into his chair and propped his feet up onto the table. “What am I going to do, Gwen?”

“Oh my god, you’re really upset about this!” Gwen’s eyes widened in surprise. “Pete! I thought you were just cranky cos you didn’t get laid! You really like this guy, don’t you?”

“I told you that.”

“Well yeah, but you like everyone.” she said flatly. “Plus, he’s a client so when you said you liked him and that his muscles made you cream a little---”

“GWEN!”

“--I assumed you were just talking from a professionally horny standpoint, not from a real interest standpoint!” she cried. “I mean, damn Pete! You can’t date clients! If word gets out that you’re that kinda massage therapist, I dunno if you’ll lose your current clients or gain a whole bunch of very sketchy new ones, but either way? You definitely crossed a line.”

“I know.” he muttered. “Couldn’t help myself.”

“I’m pretty sure you could have helped yourself.” She countered. “All you had to do was be professional, Pete. Work with the guy, take his money and leave again. How difficult is that? You could have definitely not tried to get in his pants.”

“Gwen--”

“No, listen.” Gwen put her coffee down and pinned Peter with a look. “I heard what you said before about how you didn’t expect the attraction and how it’s so easy to be with him and how you guys sorta fell into each other and how you text all the time and he makes you laugh and all that. But tell me something. Have you stopped and thought for one second how hard this is on him?”

“I--”

“You tell me how easy it is for you and that’s why you want to pursue it.” She interrupted. “But your shocking lack of professionalism aside, have you even considered how difficult this is for Wade. Just once?”

“Um.” Peter hesitated. “...no? He said he felt it too so I thought it was okay.”

“You told me Wade has to live up high because traffic noise gives him panic attacks.” Gwen recounted and Peter’s face fell. “That he had to get raging drunk just to get through the first massage and then had an actual breakdown when you gave him that weighted blanket. Does that sound like a person who could dress up and stroll downtown for a date with you? Just because Wade's comfortable in his own space and over text messages doesn’t mean he can do it all outside, you know.”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“For all you know, he’s NOT comfortable in his own space.” she continued. “He could be pretending so it’s not weird for you. Do you know what he does right after you leave? Does he have to take a shower, have to meditate or medicate? Is he basically paralyzed for a few hours until his anxiety settles down?”

“...things are tough with Flash.” Peter realized. “That’s why you’re so in tune to everything right now.”

Gwen nodded miserably, her jaw clenching, and Peter whispered, “I should stop by and see him.”

“Flash doesn’t want you to stop by and see him.” She denied. “He doesn't even want me to come by. My fiancee came home from over deployment and can’t even be in the same room as me most days because I remind him of how good things used to be and how different it all is now. Remember how we were going to get married when he came home? The first time I tried to kiss him hello, Flash panicked and didn’t come out of his room for like, three days.”

“I remember.” Peter’s lips pulled down into a frown. Flash had been so hoo-rah about going and being a hero and now he was nothing like he’d used to be, shutting out the love of his life Gwen, his oldest friends Harry and MJ and even Peter, who had been his roommate through all four years of boarding school and their first year of college. “I-- I remember.”

“So you know what I did?” Gwen shrugged as if it still didn’t break her heart. “I decided to be Flash's friend because that's the only way I’m able to be part of his life. I try to take on disgusting billionaires, try to date to fend off the loneliness but end up scaring them away because let’s face it, I’m intense, and then I spend as much time with Flash as I can. Sometimes that means we talk, sometimes that means I sit clear on the other side of the couch and watch him watch a movie. I'm his friend."

“You’re trying to tell me I need to be content with being Wade’s friend." Peter blew out a deep breath. "Like if I want to stay a part of his life, I have to respect the boundaries he has, even if they are boundaries that seem like they come out of no where."

“Don’t make everything about you, Pete, I’m trying to tell you that if I don’t get laid soon I’ll actually die.” Gwen retorted and smacked Peter’s feet off the table. “But also yeah, if you want to be around Wade, you’re going to have to settle for friends. Obviously you both thought Wade was ready for more, and obviously he isn't. Back off, bud. Be his friend or leave him alone. Quit complaining about your hurt feelings and try to realize Wade probably hates himself right now for what he considers a failure. Not going on a date with you? He probably thinks its a failure. Stop bitching and have some compassion.”

“I hate your advice.” Peter reached over and took Gwen’s hand, smiling when she squeezed at it. “But I'm pretty sure I needed to hear it, so thank you. And I’m sorry about Flash. I’m sorry that the reason you know all this is cos you’re living through it.”

“I'm sorry about Flash too.” Gwen cleared her throat and blinked away a few tears. “And this therapy session will cost you one bagel and another cup of coffee, so get to it. I don’t hand out all this advice for free, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Peter pulled out his wallet and headed towards the front of the coffee shop. “Love you, Gwen.”

“Yeah.” she said absentmindedly, going right back to her book. “I'm real swell."

***************

Benefits of group therapy. Wade typed into the search bar on his computer. Local group therapy for veterans. How long until therapy starts working? How long after trauma is therapy useless?

He took a gulp of a drink that was way more whiskey than it was Coke and searched, What qualifies as trauma? How long will I have panic attacks?

And then with his breath catching and vision blurring with tears: How long before I feel normal again? Do people with PTSD ever date again?

His phone buzzed and Wade picked it up without thinking, swiped the screen without looking, sure it was going to be a reminder of meds or a confirmation text from tomorrow’s physical therapy appointment.

From Peter: I’m not going anywhere, Wade. I’m not going to bother you, but if you need me, I’m here and if you want to talk or need some of my Grade A humour to distract you for a minute, I’m here for that too.

From Peter: I’ll let you make the first move though, I don’t want to intrude or push like… boundaries? I don’t expect anything from you, but know that I’ll be happy to hear from you all the same.

Wade blinked down at the message, then up at the current screen on his computer, scrolling down until he found an article he’d only skimmed earlier: How to be there for someone with PTSD. Tip one was to reassure the person that you were there but didn’t expect anything, that you would respect their boundaries and needs but also would grant them their distance.

Peter had obviously read a similar article or pamphlet and even though the text read a little stiff, it was clear Peter was trying and it made Wade’s heart hurt in a very real way that even after everything, Peter was still trying.

He didn’t text Peter back though.

Instead Wade put his phone away and went back to looking up group therapy locations and reading anonymous reviews about different therapists.

He’d gone to therapy after his injury, he’d even gone to a psychiatrist, he’d gone to a hypnotist for the nightmares and about every other ‘-ist’ out there but it apparently wasn’t working, he apparently needed something more because living like this wasn’t working anymore.

There was a group specifically for injured veterans, former soldiers whose entire lives had been changed by a moment overseas, and Wade clicked through that website to until he found a time and a location and the suggestion that he “click the attending box partly so Sam knows how many cupcakes to bring, partly to set it as a personal goal for yourself!”

“I’m doing this for the cupcakes.” Wade muttered as he checked the box. “Only for the cupcakes.”

….and with one more glance at his phone, “And maybe for Pete.”

*******************

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER!

*******************

@ships-galore @ceealaina @izziebladez @cwar1864 @hausoffro @tonystarkisanangel @multishippinglife @girlnic @iam93percentstardust @paranormalmoonlight5 @igotloki @moosette05 @wayward-student-philosopher @kaz-brekkers-gloves @atomicfandombomb @1fuckingshitup69 @agentlokii @livewire28 @tulipsnbigcats @kimstark @alex-stark-rogers @bibbarnes @heeeyitskay @goindownshipping @quietgayguy @nanita90a @justaniche

@chiby-chan @thanossucks @i-am-worth-it-25 @dan4thefam

#ncts fics #spideypool

93 notes · View notes