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neverendingstories00 · 4 years

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Past The Point Of No Return (Ch.5)

Summary: After the kiss, tensions are rising between you and Safin. While on a shopping trip, you try to make an escape but fail. Upon hearing this, Safin is not pleased with your behavior.

Word Count: 4.2K

Warnings: Smut (fades to black)

A/N: This chappie is a...roller coaster. Were half way throguh this fic already 😳 I was blasting Lana Del Rey while writing this and she really inspired the story. Here’s my spotify playlist for this fic. I love reading your comments btw, they make my day! Just wanna warn that this is my first time writing smut (that I have published), so forgive me if it sucks. I really hope you guys enjoy this! 😌

You waked up to the sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore. You rub the sleep off your eyes as your body refused to move out of its comfortable pose. Looking at the clock, it read ten o’clock. You hated sleeping in so late. Rolling out of bed, you push your hair back to go use the bathroom. The bags under your eyes had been fading away. Instead of feeling on edgy, you felt calm. You were Safin’s prisoner, but he spoiled you with expensive weekend trips and jewelry that cost more than your life on the black market.

After cleaning yourself up, you walked out of the bathroom and noticed a pair of clothes on a wooden loveseat. It was a pair of high-waisted khaki shorts, a light blue collared buttondown, and nude Venetian mules. You didn’t have many clothes to bring, so you assumed Safin had made you an outfit to wear. It wasn’t as exotic or revealing as your dinner outfit.

As you dressed, you could still imagine Safin’s hands all over you. He was so hungry and possessive of you. The way his calloused hands squeezed your back and traveled down your thighs made you shudder. You would never admit it to anyone, but you secretly savored the attention. Nobody had ever kissed you like that, let alone treat you in such a way. Safin made you feel all kinds of emotions you had bottled up over the years. Your hand traveled to your neck to see a red spot on your collarbone. It was pink and red mixed together. You dind’t remember Safin’s kiss that well since your eyes were closed as Safin overtook your body. Sighing, your disappointed with yourself. You couldn’t fall in love with the man who wanted to kill your friends and family if you didn’t fall in love with him. You finish buttoning your blouse and tuck it into your shorts, walking downstairs to the kitchen.

You walk out and feel the sun shine on your skin and the Medtaerrian breeze in your hair. It’s another beautiful day on the island. You see Safin sitting at a table, outlooking the beautiful sea. He sees you and turns, a smile on his face.

“Good morning, y/n. How did you sleep?”

Snappin out of your trace, your cheeks burn. There Safin is, the man who kissed and threatened you. Trying to act normal, you walk over and take a seat across from him.

“Well. How about yourself?”

“Wonderful, actually,” Safin responded in his silky voice. “It would have been much better if you were next to me though.”

Great. That’s all Safin needed to say to make you feel uncomfortable. Your cheeks burn as you look into the sea to conceal your face. “What a shame, Safin.Truly.”

“One day you will...I know of it.” Safin replied, a low growl in his voice. You rolled your eyes.

It was just one kiss, right?

As y/n finished her oatmeal, Safin looked up at her outfit. That woman could pull off any look, a scandalous dress or tomboyish island outfit. Your blouse had been unbuttoned slightly, showing the subtle sucking spot on your collerbone. Ah, how he longed to taste y/n’s skin again. She bit her red lips to conceal her pleasured moans. He had longed the touch of a woman. Even if y/n had kissed him, he still wasn’t satifesed. He wanted more, and he wanted y/n now.

Shifting in his sit, he rested his cheek in the calm of his hand. “Would you still like to go shopping?”

“Yes,” She answered. “I’d like to see the island...”

“Anything for you, my dear.”

Safin couldn’t tell if Y/n hated or loved the nicknames he gave her. But this was the first time he noticed her cheeks turn red as she rubbed her chin. Just being near her, sitting across from her, was making him aroused. At the dinner last night, Safin couldn’t control himself. He nearly had lost himself when he had asked y/n for a kiss, in which she sparingly agreed to. He could have had his way with her last night, but he couldn’t. As much as he wanted her, Safin wanted and needed to be loved by her. Y/n already thought of him as a monster. Even someone such as himself couldn’t force himself upon anyone.

Being around y/n was going to be Safin’s ultimate downfall.

-----

For a small island, the seaside town that inhabited it was full of luxurious stories. It reminded you of a Medterrian Bond street with high end stores such as Burberry and Louis Vuitton. It was overwhelming, so Safin guided you. It turned out Safin was filthy rich from his Spectre days. You should have realized that, considering that the man had resdegined a former Submarine Pen on a privately owned island.

You would have been fine with a normal shop with basic items that weren’t overpriced. But of course, Safin had decided to be extra and take you to the most expensive places in the town. You tried to tell him you were fine with any store, but he simply pulled you close and purred, “Only the best for my beautiful wife.”

Those words rung through your head. They pissed you off for sure. Safin knew how to get right under your skin, it was his job after all.

After a few hours of shopping, you were definitely feeling exhausted. You insisted that you had enough clothes, but Safin wanted to take you to every store he could. Safin made you hold his arm as you walked around the city. You should have hated being around him. But deep inside of, you enjoyed the attention. The attention that you knew no man was ever going to give you. Maybe he did truly love you and want someone to rule the world with. But it couldn’t be you. You two were polar opposites. He was an Anarchist, and you were a cyrptographer. You were supposed to enemies, not lovers.

Stopping in brought back thousands of memories. You and your mother use to shop there as a child, bringing back a dose of nostalgia. Moneypenny, your coworker, brought most of her wardrobe from the store. When you started out, a student fresh out of university, she had been kind enough to let you borrow some of her clothes when you didn’t have a lot of money. Even four years later, you still didn’t have the money to buy all of the clothes Safin had bought for you.

Safin decided to look around the store for himself, which let you have some time to try some outfits on. Safin had been extra enough to rent out the whole fucking store for you and him. The poor saleswoman who approached you looked like she was scared shitless. Had Safin done this before? Most likely, you thought.

Most of the clothes you picked were sweaters and trousers, but you decided to pick up a dress for a change. It was a white and black tweed dress that went an inch above your knee. Of course, the zipper on the back wouldn’t budge. You envied the way the double oh’s dressed, whether it be there lavish suits or designer thigh-high boots. Wearing the dress made you feel a little better about yourself, and less masculine.

There was a small knock on the door. You assumed it was the poor saleswoman who kept bringing your clothes. You felt horrible for her and tried to cut her some slack. Spinning on your heel, “Alexa, I’m ok-”

“It’s just me, actually,” A silky voice stated. It was none other than Safin. His eyes scaled her body, noticing the short dress and the how it hugged your thighs. His cock twitched in his pants among the sit, biting his lip. “You look...wow...”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” You huffed to look in the mirror. God, you felt like a secretary in the dress. It was far too fancy for someone such as yourself. Heck, you could barely even fit into it. Just as you were to fend Safin away, he calmly asked, “Do you want help with your dress? The back..”

Looking back at Safin, your confused at what he’s implying before you realize he’s asking to help zip us your dress. Your cheeks burn red, giving him a small nod before you looked away in utter embarrassment.

Safin didn’t disrespect your space and was gentle with you. You noticed his hands were shaky and sweaty. As Safin pulled the zipper up, you felt his breath twitch against your neck sending shivers down your spine. Once he finished, the two of you looked in the mirror in front of you. His greenish-blue orbs traveled down your body, a small smirk on his face. He pushed some of your hair back so he could see the dress better. “The dress shows off your body well, my beautiful wife. Shall I buy it for you?”

Instead of responding, you stand there looking in the mirror. Your feeling all types of emotions; anger, sadness, fear, everything. Being around Safin was so discordant. You wanted to love him, but you hated him more than anything in the world. Yet a man you hated was obsessed with you and even wanted to make you his bride no matter what.

Safin’s hands snaked on your hips before beginning to suck at your throat. He brought your body close to his hips, his kisses becoming more of a craving than a passion. That was your breaking point. Pushing him off, you turn around as tears prick at your eyes. You block out his pleas to come back and bolt right out of the door of the store, wanting to lose him. Your not thinking straight at the momment as you usher through the crowds of the streets to escape from Safin. All you wanted at the moment was to be alone with your thoughts and the monster that you were falling in love with.

After what seemed like minutes of speed walking, you end up on a peaceful street full of small stores and no tourists. The only noise is were the locals talking in Greek. You walk down the street, feeling emotional. The world was spinning as your vision blurred. Wiping your eyes, you feel a wet sensation form on your eyes. Why were you crying? You hated all of this and just wanted to go home. You wished that you had never found those damn codes and fallen into Safin’s cursed trap.

As you drag your feet across the stones, you turn your head to see an empty newsstand with newspapers and television. This was the first time in months you had seen the news. You always wondered what was happening in the world. All of it had been in Greek, but you could manage to read through a few words. America was failing with the pandemic, Anarchy was rampant in post soviet countries, and M16.

M16. M16. M16.

Upon seeing that name, you blink twice. There was no way. Your brain was freaking out. As you read the article, it had stated that London was under control with the protests thanks to the agents of M16. It had been reported that the anonymous leader, who now had a name Safin, tried to bring down M16 but had failed too. Mallory had left an interview, stating that no matter what they were going to find Safin and bring peace to Europe. A smile curved on your lips. There was hope. No longer would you sit around and wait to be saved. You were going to save yourself from Safin.

Unexpectedly, a hand grabs your wrist and yanks you. Turning over, your eyes meet with enraged blue ones. It was none other than Safin. A few pieces of his neatly gelled hair were now in his face. You had only seen Safin pissed off once before, and it hadn’t been a pretty sight. Safin began to pull you down the street and back to were he had parked his Black Landrover. You pulled back against him, but he simply put you into the car and began to drive with no words spoken.

You were certainly in a lot of shit.

-----

“Let go of me!” You chided, ripping your arm away from him. He had thrown you into your bedroom. Safin was beyond pissed that you had run away from him. He cursed at you the whole car ride, making all kinds of threats to your face.

“You foolish little girl,” He hissed, pushing his hair back as he walked paced the room. You watched him like a hawk, glancing at his every move. Safin was more pissed off than he had been last time. “You think you can leave?”

“I’m not your property! You treat me like I’m a child or some prize to be won.”

Safin walked back to you and badgered, “I do not! When I saved you, you were supposed to fall in love with me. Be mine and only mine. I took you from them and gave you a better life and opportunity, and what am I met with? An ungrateful little girl. I spoiled you, gave you a room, respected your space, gave you time, and yet you still hate me. All I wanted was for you to love me. I’m sick of waiting, I have been too good to you. You will be my dutiful wife, whether you like it or not.”

You snorted at his response. All Safin was doing was fueling your anger. “God, your so full of yourself! You sit on a pedestal and think of yourself was superior to everybody around you. Your like a spoiled little brat. When someone doesn’t follow your orders, all you do is throw a temper tantrum. You want me to be scared of you, but truly...I won’t ever be.”

Crawling off of the bed, you slowly walked towards him to get in his face. Your smiling, rubbing it into his face. “What are waiting for? Marry me. I don’t care. You’ve ruined my whole life. But let me warn you.”

“No matter what, I will never love you. I don’t care about how much you try or care. I would rather be married and wait for the day M16 takes you and your horrid men six feet under.”

Safin’s eyebrows are furrowed as he watched your every move. His eyes want to say something, but he can’t. He’s at a loss for words. He had hit a dead end. Out of all the women he had met, you were different. You were stubborn and usually told it how it was. Safin loved your mouth, but there was no denying you were a handful.

Safin’s response was his lips, smashing into yours. His hands wrapped around you, holding you close. You want to fight back and tell him to get off, but your body (unstable) wants a touch. It needs touch, not talk. Your hands cup his cheeks to steady your position. He walked backwards and pushed you onto the bed as his hands traveled up your skirt. His long fingers pulled the skirt until your underwear became exposed.

“Do you want this?” Safin panted, looking down at you. Seeing him on top of him, he’s truly a stunning man. His velvety voice was making you wet. Instead of sounding pissed off, he sounded calm and even caring.

“Shut up, please.” Your hand traveled to his cheek, gently patting it. “I-”

Two of his fingers enter your clitoris, causing you to bite your lip. It was a painful reaction at first, but than became pleasurable. You could no longer hide your pleasure and let out a small moan. “N-need it.”

“You are soaking, my love.” Safin purred. His pace was slow at first, but soon he picked up the pace. He loved hearing your moans and how your fingers dug into his back. “I’m surprised you hadn’t slept with any of the men at M16. Always turning them down, left and right. That is my good girl. I would have killed them anyways.”

Safin loves seeing your face and how beautiful you look with your flushed cheeks and lip biting. All he wanted was to that short dress of your body. He pulled his fingers slowly out of you, letting you take a small breather as he tried to undo his belt. Safin couldn’t seem to it until you intervened, unbuckling the buckle and throwing it right to the side. You wiggle out of the dress and throw it to the side, revealing that you weren’t wearing a bra. Safin notices this sight as his hands travel all over your body, feeling every piece of exposed skin.

“Love, your glowing.” He smileD, pulling his pants down. His whole body was exposed. It was covered in scars and wrinkles, but you thought he was dashing. Safin wasn’t a tall man, but he was very lean and well built for a sixty-year-old man. His cock was a decent size. You haven’t had sex in years, but it felt so good to not talk. All you wanted was to feel pleasure and nothing else. Moving your body up, you try to turn over but Safin grabs your shoulder.

“No, No, No. I want to see your pretty face.”

You shift up, placing your hands on his hips for a stern grip. Before starting, Safin placed a tender kiss on your lips. It wasn’t rough, but gentle. He started on your neck and began to move down, kissing your whole body like it was a temple. He muttered sweet things such as “you have such soft skin” or “your skin tastes so sweet”. The Anarchist sucked on your right breast to only hear the moans that turned him on. Your whole body felt like it was about to explode. For the first time in a while, you truly felt calm with not a worry in the world. Safin came back up to look at your face. His cock entered your body. It was an alien feeling, but you enjoyed his thrusts. Moans escaped your mouth as you wrapped a hand on his nape, caressing the unruly chocolate curls on his head. You looked into his multichromatic eyes as he fucked you, getting hungrier by the minute. All you feel is pure bliss in the arms of the Anarchist.

-----

Instead of feeling cold, you feel a warm sensation tingle through your body. Fluttering your eyes open, you see an orange and purple sky as the sun sets over the clear ocean. All you wanted to do was stay in this position for the rest of your life, warm and content. Everything was a blur in your mind. As you attempt to drift back to sleep, you feel a heavyweight on his hip. Tilting your head, you see it’s Safin with his nose in your hair, snoring. Your eyes widened, confused. Was it a dream? It had to be.

Grabbing the covers, you move them off of your body to reveal your naked forms. Safin’s hand was draped over your waist as he held your free hand in his sleep. A silent fuck escaped your mouth, looking down at the hand.

You had just fucked the world’s most infamous Anarchist.

Instead of overthinking as you usually did, you simply laid there in a state of stupor. Your thoughts could barely process anything at the moment. It all seemed like a nightmare, but it was real. All to real.

Moving Safin’s hand off of your body, you rolled out of bed and tiptoed to the balcony, grabbing the nearest shirt to protect yourself from the breeze. It wasn’t a dream. Safin was sleeping in the same bed with you, nude, holding you. This situation was far from normal. The shirt you had thrown on was Safin’s shirt that smelt of expensive perfume. All you had remembered was finding that M16 was still active and Safin dragging you back his car. You had fought on the way back tot he villa and he dragged you to your room, scolding you. He demanded to get married to you. At that point, you didn’t care. He was trying to break you, but there was no chance he was going to. Everything had become a blur. All you could remember was his lips crashing into yours before it all went dark.

Your feel your limbs go numb as your heart drops into your stomach. The man you had just had sex with was responsible for thousands of deaths and riots all across Europe. Yet here you were, getting spoiled and fucked by him as the world burned in your eyes. A hand covers your mouth to conceal a sob. Lukewarm tears stream down your cheeks. Your horrified with how low you had gone. You went from being kidnapped and refusing to love Safin, and you had just had sex with him.

Not counting the minutes, you simply stood, horrified with yourself. Safin was like a forbidden fruit, and his juice was now covered all over your body like blood at a crime scene. Everything was silent until a pair of footsteps followed behind you. You don’t even look because you already knew it was him.

“Over the years, I had my men bring me women.” He calmly said, acting like it was a casual occurrence. “All kinds, mainly young and scared. I talked to them and comforted them the best they could, but they always refused me. All of them thought that I was going to rape them since I looked like a monster, in which I was. I could have my way with them, but it was far too brutish to do such a thing.”

“Once I left Spectre, I felt like I had everything. But as the years went by, I became lonelier. I yearned not only for a woman’s touch, but someone to care and talk to. I thought I was too repulsive for anyone to find me attractive.” Safin turned to you, looking into your big [y/e/c] eyes. He grabbed your hands, holding them to his chest. “But when I saw you, my whole life changed.”

“I saw you and had to claim you as mine. Save you from all the pain. I never thought you would have come around to me, but you finally came to your senses. I knew you would since your my smart, good girl.”

You remained speechless as Safin pulled your into a hug. No emotion is going through your body. His arm held your lower back as his hands played with your [y/h/], twisting it in his fingers. “I’m so glad you made the right choice, sweet y/n.”

“But,” He whispered in your ear. “If you try and leave me, I will not give you a second warning. M16 may stand, but they will never find us. Even if they do, they know you are mine. You’re far better off working at my side and being my dutiful wife. But any attempted escapes or runaways, I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love. Understood?”

Safin still held you close, wanting to make sure you had understood. Tears form at your eyes as you looked down, unable to face him in the eyes. His scared fingers lift your chin to look at your face. Seeing the tears, a small sigh escapes his lips as he wiped them away.

“Do not weep, my little dove.” He cooed, caressing your cheek. Your lips quivered, trying to keep it concealed. “I know it hasn’t been the easiest journey. But once we marry, we will look at this and laugh. We will be together...forever.”

“After all,” He planted a gentle kiss on your forehead before looking back at your face, a smile. “You are far past the point of the return now.”

Safin took your hand, leading you back into the bed. Once you get into bed, you feel Safin’s arm snake around your body, his nose his your hair once again. His leg’s topped onto yours, restraining you from moving. He smiled as he took a whiff of your floral hair, planting a small kiss on his neck before dozing back off.

You would have screamed or kicked, but you couldn’t. Not because you weren’t restrained, but because all of the fight that was left in you as gone. Before meeting Safin, your grip on reality was slowly declining. But the small piece you were hanging onto shattered. Now, you were a shell of the women you once were before. Knowing your family was alive and worrying about your safety made tears prick at your eyes. Safin, whether you liked it or not, was going to be your husband. To say that you hated or loved with was mind baffling. You couldn’t hate someone you had just had sex with. But you had to stay alive. For your family, for your friends, for M16, for yourself. Just because he was going to be your husband, didn’t mean you still didn’t despise him. The rumors with Safin were true. He always got what he wanted, when he wanted, no matter what.

Just because Safin had gotten what he wanted didn’t mean that you couldn’t change that.

#rami malek x reader #safin x reader #rami malek #safin #no time to die #james bond #my writing

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merryfortune · 4 years

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Day 21 / Eyes

Ship: Evashipping | Asuka/Rei·

Universe: GX

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,058

Tags: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Coming of Age

Asuka brushed Rei’s hair with a soft-bristled brush. She still flinched and winced for her, no matter how gentle. A sigh was elicited from Asuka’s mouth and Rei was quick to bemoan it.

“I don’t mean to.” She told Asuka. “I’m just not used to having someone who’s not me brush my hair.”

“I can tell.” Asuka said. “And that’s why someone needs to do it, it’s such a lovely length, Rei, but you don’t take care of it.”

Rei was quiet. She knew that Asuka wasn’t being mean spirited with such an admonishment, but it still hurt her, like a papercut, regardless. Asuka continued to stroke Rei’s hair, slower this time in some vain hope that it might quell all the nervous energy which Rei seemed to bristle with, but it seemed futile.

“Your quite tomboyish, Rei, do you have any siblings? Brothers?” Asuka asked and she used a tone which Rei thought was supposed to be relatable.

It wasn’t. She wanted to shake her head but she didn’t want to make things more difficult for Asuka so she found her voice, even if there was a lump in her throat.

“No. I’m an only child.” Rei told her.

“That makes sense.” Asuka murmured. “What about parents? Did your mother ever brush your hair?”

“When I was really little. She passed away when I was about six... I miss her a little bit, you know? But I don’t really remember her.” Rei whispered, and some more thoughts went unsaid but not unthought; thoughts about how she kind of smelt just like you...

Asuka stopped brushing Rei’s hair. “I shouldn’t have pried.” She said, regretful. “Would you like me to stop?”

“No. I want to look nice.” Rei said. “You always look so nice, Asuka. I want to look nice like you too.”

“Thank you, Rei, that’s rather sweet.” Asuka replied. She continued to brush Rei’s hair.

They were both quiet for a moment. In the silence of what had once been their conversation, Rei could hear the birds outside and the wind. She could hear the hustle and bustle of people in the Blue Dorm. It was really nice here. Opulent, she supposed. Way different to her digs in the Red Dorm and different again from back home where it was just her and her old man. To be honest, the Red Dorm was a huge step up from it, hence why she was so excited to get away from home, but she wasn’t sure if she could tell Asuka that yet. She didn’t want to concern her. Asuka was kind like that...

Asuka noticed that Rei had calmed down somewhat. She sat still in Asuka’s lap, on the floor, her back against her double bed because somehow being down on the floor just felt more natural. Her bed suddenly felt scary with someone else on it, even if it was another girl; younger than her, at that. It somehow felt inappropriate but Asuka didn’t know why and for once, she didn’t want to investigate those feelings and how they felt like an infestation under her skin so she focused on her task at hand: brushing Rei’s hair.

Rei was really cute, Asuka thought to herself. Prickly and vivacious. She had a lot of promise as a Duellist. And now that she had settled down, that raw beauty which she had, misshapen in the way that adolescents were. Now, with her hair all straightened out, the knots brushed out, perhaps more of that cute beauty that Rei had could shine just like her hair. It was surprisingly silky when it wasn’t all fluffy with bedhead.

“Which side of your head do you normally part your hair?” Asuka said. “I have some ribbons and things, if you’d like to try out a new style, as well?”

“The right side.” Rei told her.

“Too easy.” Asuka smiled.

“Do you think I’d look cute with short hair?” Rei asked, nigh all of a sudden.

Asuka hummed. “I think so. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.” Rei shrugged. “I like the aesthetic of long hair but clearly I’m not good at keeping it all nice so maybe I should chop it all off?”

Asuka tumbled up Rei’s hair and then let it sag so that it simulated what a short haired Rei might look like. She hummed.

“I think you would look good with anything Rei.” Asuka said and she trainsitioned into plaiting Rei’s hair.

Rei giggled. “You’re too sweet, Asuka.”

Asuka tidied up Rei’s hair as she plaited it. Her hair was thick but rather lovely. She looked good with the plait, when she finished up. It was a shame that she didn’t have any fun accessorised hairbands, Asuka mused as Rei had fun swinging her plait side to side like a pendulum over her back. One of those simple ones, Asuka thought, with the baubles would look good since Rei was currently running an Egg Deck – Asuka thought that Rei’s Maiden In Love deck suited her better if they were going to talk aesthetics of things.

Rei twisted around in Asuka’s lap, tentatively putting her hand on Asuka’s upper thigh. Rei had this big grin on her face, her eyes all sparkly with gratitude and something else which allured Asuka more than it should have. Likely because it was something mischievous and she could be rather weak when it came to nonsense.

“Can I ask you something, Asuka?” Rei asked.

“Sure, go ahead.” Asuka blithely replied.

“Do you see me as a little sister?” Rei asked.

Asuka hummed in thought, “Not sure.”

“Good.” Rei replied and before Asuka could blink, she leaned in and stole a kiss.

Asuka blushed and she didn’t allow herself to kiss back. She didn’t particularly want to but she wasn’t exactly cursing this kiss either. It was decent. Clearly, the work of the inexperienced, not that Asuka could talk. She hadn’t had very many crushes in her life; this girl kissing her had more whimsical luck in that department but similarly, none of them had gotten very far.

Rei pulled back. “It’s good because I think I like you. I just don’t know how.”

“...Good to know.” Asuka replied on a thin, guarded breath.

Rei smiled cherubically with a chuckle on her lips upon hearing that.

Yes, Asuka could be weak for mischief sometimes.

#femslash february #evashipping #yugioh gx #gx #yugioh #asuka tenjoin #tenjoin asuka #alexis rhodes #blair flannigan #saotome rei #rei saotome #writing tag #clover and violets #clover and violets 2020

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taurnachardhin · 5 years

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frustrating family feelings rant below:

My mom.....she's been "supportive" of me ever since I came out as bi to her a few years ago, but she and my dad are pretty progressive politically so it's not like I grew up in a household where I was raised to believe homosexuality was a sin or anything like that. Both of my parents have close gay friends. But my mom did raise me very heteronormatively where I was taught that it was ok for other people to be queer but never presented it as an option for me personally. (In spite of the fact that I didn't date at all until I was 25, and was a very tomboyish child who went through a whole cargo shorts phase in high school, like mom, did you not see this coming?) But in spite of the signs, I think my mom was kind of in denial about it the same way she definitely should have realized I also had depression and ADHD as a kid but just didn't want to see it because she comes from this very conventional middle class, keeping-up-appearances kind of background where she didn't want there to be anything wrong or weird about me because she doesn't want me to get hurt, but also because I think deep down she's afraid it will reflect poorly on her. For a long while after I came out to her, it felt like she would only voluntarily bring up queer stuff if it was something that was bad news, like that's always what caught her attention, and she'd tell me about a study that worried her that said LGBT youth are more likely to smoke (as if I, who watched 3/4 grandparents die of lung disease, could even be paid to touch a cigarette), or after the Pulse shooting she told me she hoped I wasn't going to any Pride events and that I would be careful, and like I get it, she's doing the mom-catastrophizing thing where all she sees is danger, but it really hurt me because I've been lucky enough to never face any direct discrimination for my orientation and honestly when I finally started owning the truth of my bi-ness five years ago, it was kind of the one good thing happening in my life. But it felt like my mom would never see it as something good for me.

She got better at it eventually and started sharing more positive stuff, and when I actually had a girlfriend for a hot second last year, she was genuinely excited about it. But never fully got over this attitude that it was all something to be fearful about. Like this was a while earlier, but a very typical example of the kinds of things she says: after The Force Awakens came out back in 2015, I was home for Christmas and chatting about it with my parents, and my mom said something about how she wished they hadn't made Finn and Rey a romantic pairing and I (somewhat joking, but also not really) said, "I mean, did they? I honestly thought Finn had a more romantic storyline with Poe." And my mom just immediately said, "Well. THAT'S not something we can discuss when my family's here tomorrow," as if that had any relevance to the conversation. And I was just thinking like, what the hell do you think would happen if we did? My grandmother and stepgrandfather had just been to see Fun Home on Broadway. My aunt's best friend is a gay guy. My uncle is the most religiously conservative of the group and he might be a little more uptight, but again, his wife's best friend is gay so it can't bother him THAT much. Like yes, my mom's side of the family are mostly Republicans, but they're not the kind who are going to disown you for having a bi daughter who thinks two fictional men should kiss. What are you so afraid of? And if you're telling me not to talk about queer stuff in front of your family just because it might ruffle your brother-in-law's feathers, how am I supposed to take that, that you wouldn't be on my side if it happened? It's just little stuff like that that comes through sometimes, in these moments of panic she gets.

Today, (she's a kindergarten teacher) she told me that she wanted my "opinion" on how she'd handled an argument two of her students were having. A boy and a girl came up to her and the girl said, "Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys, my parents said so." And the boy countered that HIS parents said they couldn't, and they wanted to know who was right. And she was like, "I always worry in situations like this that I might make the parents mad if it gets back to them, so I just told them they were way too young to be thinking about marriage and changed the subject." And I was very calm and gentle about how I answered, but I was like, "Mom. Girls can in fact marry girls now. It's legal. It's ok for you to tell them the girl was right, because it's the truth. They weren't asking you a moral question, they were asking you a factual one. You couldn't possibly have gotten in trouble for answering it accurately." And she was like, "Oh, I guess you're right. That was just what came to me in my panic." And like yeah, clearly. But then I also told her it seemed a bit disingenuous to tell them they weren't supposed to think about marriage, because of course little kids think about marriage! It's a totally normal part of human lives they can see all around them and are naturally curious about. They're also interested in like, jobs, but we never tell kids they aren't supposed to think about what they want to do when they're grown up just because it's not a decision they're actually ready to make. And I didn't even bring this up, though I wish I'd thought to, but when I was in kindergarten, my best friend was a boy, and he and I would talk about how we were going to get married when we grew up. And my mom, of course! thought THAT was adorable and she still tells that story all the time. Damn hypocrite.

I'm glad I helped her realize she didn't maybe say the right thing, and I guess I appreciate that she does at least ask me about this stuff because it shows she's trying to learn, but every time it throws me into a funk over it, because it's just like a reminder that she still views my orientation not just as a problem, but a problem for HER. She doesn't want anyone to be angry at her for expressing a controversial opinion. She doesn't want to lose her job for publicly expressing support for gay marriage, as if that's a thing that would even happen to a straight, white, married suburban woman in 2019. And I just wanna be like, mom, what the hell do you plan to do if I do, in fact, marry a girl, as is my legal right? Will you lie to your coworkers and students? Will you give me dire warnings that some of my relatives might not want to come to the wedding? That part in Nanette where she talks about what happens when you soak one child in shame and give permission to another to hate....I wish I could make her see that that's what she's doing every time she "changes the subject." But I also understand that like Hannah Gadsby's mom, mine just wanted me to change because she knew the world wouldn't. But that's the thing though, right? Is the world did change. Not enough, not yet, but public opinion on gay issues is very very different now than it was when I was a child. I wish my mom could see that, and I wish she could see how much it hurts me that she doesn't. I'd love to tell her to watch Nanette, but I know it'll just make her feel bad, and then she'll still be making it about her feelings. And then the only part she'll actually remember is all the bad things that happened to Hannah and she'll take away that she's right to be afraid for me and it'll probably just make everything worse.

You know who did watch Nanette? My dad. I told him he should watch it after he went through a whole Netflix comedy specials phase, and he did and he loved it. During the 2018 election, he canvassed for a political candidate for the first time in his life, a Democrat running for the state house, and when he knocked on doors in their neighborhood, he told all his Republican neighbors that he had LGBT people in his family and among his students (he's also a teacher), and that he was afraid for us if Kemp won the governor's race and Republicans kept control of the state house, because Kemp had promised to sign an anti-LGBT "religious freedom" bill. See, my dad is also afraid for me. But he takes his fear and feeds it courage, while my mom just feeds it with more fear.

I know I’m very fortunate that this is the extent of the conflict I have with my parents over my orientation. My ex’s mom evidently was really upset when she came out to her, but later got over it and now they’re those “my mom is actually my best friend!” kind of people (lord, what’s that like??), and when she told me that, it made me feel petty for resenting my mom’s occasional well-meaning microaggressions, when she could overlook her mom reacting so much worse. But like, pain is pain, I guess. I do forgive my mom for her ignorance and fear, largely because I know that her denial about me and my mental health issues is nothing compared to her own denial of her own anxiety, so I appreciate that this is tough for her in ways she can’t entirely control. And I know I really need to actually tell my mom how I feel about all this at some point instead of just ranting into the tumblr void, and I keep trying to compose that speech in a way that will make her actually listen and not just get all mad and resentful the way she sometimes does when I confront her about something. But for now it’s just tumblr rant, so here we are. Thanks for listening, yikes.

#personal junk box #this post will self-destruct most likely

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katty-corner · 4 years

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Serenity wears a dazzling flame dress and waltzes the night away with tall dark and handsome in her arms. The moon is full and shining brightly over the waves that ripple and sparkle as they dance in the air above, flying gracefully between the two worlds.

She can't quit make out his face, but from him she feels a warmth she has never felt before. His face is shrouded in shadow but he cups the side of her cheek and leans in to kiss her….

Serena woke to the sound of her alarm clock going off. In fact it had been going off for some time now.

"Oh no I'm late!" She screamed, "Mom why didn't you wake me!" She yelled to the down stairs as she quickly got dressed.

"I did, five times. You said you'd be up in ten."

"And you believed me?!" She said as she ran out the house barely grabbing her lunch.

Serena was running as fast as she could down the street when she bumped into three men, that were dressed like thugs. One was laying on the ground complaining that his leg was broken. Another was getting in Serena's face asking how she was going to compensate for it.

Serena was scared and cornered by three grown men, not sure what she could do as a human to defend herself. Then a tall teen girl wearing another school's uniform, brown hair in a ponytail, and tomboyish good looks told them to stop.

"What?" The big guy in shades snarled.

"I saw everything. She just bumped into him and you're getting on ta' her case? Talk about cheap." Her tone was serious.

"What did you say?" Shades growled.

Another walked up to her, a big hulky one, "You might be a cutie but you're not getting away with that," and put a meaty hand on her shoulder. She grabbed it and immediately judo threw him.

The first guy got mad and moved to throw a punch at her face. She elegantly dodged it and knee kicked his gut, causing the last guy to run off in fear.

"Amazing," Serena whispered.

"Are you all right?" The tall girl asked.

"Yes!" Serena answered back.

"Be careful." Is all she said before turning to leave.

'What a strange feeling I have about her.' Serena realized.

It had been a week and no strange youma attacks had happened and the the police had all but forgotten the strange disappearances. Things had almost gotten back to normal. So normal Serena could partake in local gossip.

There was a rumor going around that the new girl in school earned the reputation in her previous middle school as a bully with enormous physical strength and because of her constant fighting she was eventually transferred to Crossroads Junior High School. Many were avoiding her because they assumed she would hurt them and that she was unfriendly.

At lunch Serena found the tall brunette sitting in the school yard alone and looked over her shoulder.

'Wow her lunch looks so cute and yummy! Her pouch is adorable too! Oh those seasoned rice balls look so yummy!' Serena thought.

"Who's there!" She shouted as she turned to look at who was snooping.

Serena laughed nervously, "Hello!"

The brunette seemed to relax, "Oh it's you. I didn't know you went to this school."

"I'm Serena!"

"I'm Lita Kino. Why don't you join me?" Lita offered and scooted over on the bench.

"Ok. Thank you for this morning." Serena said as she sat down on the bench.

"Do you want some?" Lita offered her lunch.

"Oh no I mustn't, but if you insist, thank you." Serena grabbed a rice ball and took a bite, "It's good!"

"I'm glad you like it."

"You're mother must be a genius chef!" Serena committed.

Lita was flattered, "Oh this. I made it myself."

"What? That's amazing! And your lunch box and pouch are so cute too! Where did you buy them?"

"I found this box at my old house. I made this pouch myself."

"Wow. You're amazing!"

Now Lita was just embarrassed, "It's nothing…"

"And your rose earrings are lovely."

Lita watched the pretty blonde munch away at the ball, and suddenly had an image of a brilliant flame flash before her eyes.

"My mom would be so surprised if I could cook like you. Teach me! Teach me! Or maybe I should get you to fix my lunch, just kidding!" She laughed, "Hey Lita, why don't you wear our school uniform."

Coming back to herself, Lita answered, "This is more my style, besides they don't have any in my size."

"Ahhhh," Serena hummed in realization.

"Hey I'm living by myself, could you tell me about this town? I just transferred here and I don't know why, but everyone here is scared of me and won't talk to me."

Serena laughed as if she was told a funny joke, "Why are they scared of such a lovely girl like you? They must be crazy!"

Lita visibly brightened up.

"Ask me anything about this town. You can ask me about anything other than studying." Serena continued.

"Well then I wanna know where to find an affordable supermarket, a nice general store, and an arcade."

"An arcade?!" Serena shouted excitedly.

After school Ami came into the arcade to see Serena with a new girl.

"Oh wow! Are you sure you've never played this game before?" Ami heard Serena ask.

"It's just like a real fight. Attack the enemy first, then catch him off guard. Then use a special move to take him in a single blow!"

"A single blow!" Serena repeated is awe.

"Serena, you're already here?" Ami said walking in with Rei.

"Hi Ami! Lita let me introduce you."

Ami noticed how good the new girl was at the game, reaching such a high level.

Lita stood to meet the girls, leaving them very surprised by her height.

"This is Lita. She just transferred to my junior high school today." They exchanged pleasantries. "And this is the smart Ami and the menie Rei."

"Who are you calling a menie?" Rei asked.

"Rei."

Getting closer to Serena's face Rei asked again, "I didn't hear you. Who did you say?"

"Rei!" Serena answered more loudly.

"What year, month, day, day of week, hour, minute, or second was I ever mean to you?" Rei shouted in her face.

"That's why you're mean!" Serena shouted back.

"You guys really get along." Lita commented.

"What? no way!" They yelled together.

"She's always picking fights with me whenever she sees me." Rei said

"Who picks fights?"

"You do!"

"They say the more you fight, the better friends you are." Lita explained further.

Ami laughed, "She's got a point there."

"All of your friends are so pretty Serena," a new voice popped up behind Lita.

Lita turned toward the voice to see a tall blonde man then blushed.

"Nice to meet you." He said.

"Senpai..." Lita whispered all dreamy eyed. 'He looks exactly like him.'

"My name is Andrew Foreman. I work part time."

"What do people usually call you?" Serena asked.

Taking a moment to think he replied, "People call me Andy at my university.

"Andy?" Serena giggled then introduced her new friend, "This is Lita, who's powerful and a great cook!"

"No one's ever called me that before." Lita said.

"Serena you really are amazing." Ami said in awe, "You can become friends with anyone."

"Oh, I just heard a weird rumor from a customer." Andrew mentioned.

"A weird rumor?" Serena asked.

Andrew told a story about a local park that couples frequented that was having disappearances. "They say it's haunted by an ancient ghost bride that was stood up at the altar in life, now she is jealous of people in love."

"There's no scientific proof ghosts exist," Ami said one hundred percent logical.

On the other hand Serena got chills from the story, "Ami you're always so calm."

Andrew went on, "They say she eats the girls and she seduces men with her gaze and spirits them away. Supposedly she comes out just after sunset with a precession of lights."

"What kinda man would get seduced by a ghost anyway." Rei remarked.

"Sounds complicated since I pass that park everyday." Lita said looking at the time, "gosh I gotta head home."

The girls look at each other and give a little nod, "We'll walk you." Serena offered.

"You don't need to keep me company you know."

"You heard about the ghost," Serena said, waving her hand.

"I can take care of myself," Lita said, flexing her bicep.

"Now, now, we insist." Serena smiled and Lita caved like a tower of cards.

Outside the store Serena committed to Lita, "That Andrew sure is a hottie."

"Serena!" Rei chastised.

"What? I saw the way she looked at him." Serena replied.

"I know that's why I like him." Lita had that dreamy eyed look again. "He looks exactly like my senpai at my school who broke my heart. I didn't want to stay at my old school any more, that's why I transferred schools, but the reason I came to the new school is I felt I had to. Something more than just a romance was waiting for me here."

The girls were a little stunned by her confession but there was no denying that was the face of a girl in love. There was no doubt in their minds Lita would be the next target.

"Hey perk up! No time to cry over guys," Rei affectionately encouraged.

---------

On the way to Lita's house they passed a bridal shop when Ami, Rei, and Serena realized Lita had stopped.

"Lita?" Serena inquired.

She was stopped in front of the window display, "It's so beautiful...brides are so pretty."

Serena dashed over to her, "Lita, you'd look great in this dress."

"I agree." Ami said, "Since you're tall, this kind of dress would suit you."

"You think so?"

Serena made a little spin in delight, "I wanna wear a wedding dress for my wedding too!"

"Do you?" Ami asked, "I think a pure white kimono would be nice, too don't you think so Rei?"

"I don't trust men." Is all Rei could say for the display.

"Oh Rei," Serena started but decided to let it go, "What about you Lita?"

"I'd wear whichever my husband likes best, but what I really want is to make my own dress."

"Lita, you're so cute!"

"Because….you know…"

"You're so girly." Serena said, poking at her.

"Stop it Serena." Lita said in jest.

That was when they overheard two women talking.

"I hope she gives him back."

"Don't worry the ghost bride is just some terrible rumor. He'll come back soon."

----------

It was just after sunset when they came across the park. Serena was creeped out and whined loudly while the others were on guard.

"Will you shut up?!" Rei yelled at Serena.

"I can't help it, it's scary!" Serena whined at her.

That's when they all saw the lights moving in the distance. From the tree line stepped out a relatively short and voluptuous woman, having milky-white skin, teal eyelashes and nails, and circular, red facial markings. Additionally, she had bushy eyebrows and long, white hair parted down the middle of her face which was tied with teal orbs into two, thick strands.

She wore a lengthy, layered kimono — maroon on the inside layer and white on the outside layer — that exposed part of her chest and was tied with a patterned obi. She also donned a beaded necklace composed of teal and purple orbs and decorative anklets. She went barefoot and had black toenail polish.

#sailor moon au #pt 4

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